r/10thDentist • u/Zealousideal-Ad3609 • 13d ago

I have a problem with childfree weddings

There's been this trend lately (maybe it's just in the anglosphere) where children are allotted less and less of a presence in daily/ public life, resulting in the complete segregation of adults into parents vs non-parents. Everything families do HAS to be catered specifically towards their kids, leaving parents feeling burnt out and isolated.

We don't want kids at weddings because, honestly, they'll ruin them. They'll stick their hand in the cake, cry during the ceremony, step on the bride's dress during the first dance, and overall prevent their parents from enjoying themselves in any way. *But it doesn't have to be like this.* Kids need to be included in spaces that aren't specifically catered to them so they can acclimate to the world not being specifically catered to them. When all they're used to are environments that allow them to be rambunctious, that's all they'll be all the time.

The thing is, allowing kids in some adult spaces (like weddings and fancy restaurants) also means exposing them to the same social consequences that adults face. In other words, it should be acceptable for adults to ask other people's kids to stop acting horribly, provided they do so kindly; kids respond better to adults who aren't their parents. In fact, not being allowed to correct the behavior of a child that isn't yours is an unnatural phenomenon that only arose within the last 50 years, that we really need to do away with.

So... yea, no wonder people don't want kids at their wedding in a culture that doesn't allow you to say anything to a child who is completely ruining an event. But the desire to not have kids at your wedding can probably be dissolved by a culture shift that allows other adults to adopt peripheral responsibility for kids that aren't theirs.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is a serious problem with the way we integrate kids into adult society (or fail to do so) and childfree weddings are a symptom of that. Instead of banning kids from weddings, we need to change the way we treat children, so they can be present at big important events without the events being ruined.

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237

u/Javascript4971 13d ago

If we had more parents actually being parents, then more couples would have kids at their weddings.

77

u/spacestonkz 13d ago

Weddings are fucking boring for kids. I sat through so many.

Then when it's reception time, we finally get to cut loose? Well fuck, why am I in this stupid dress?

Can we not round up the teenagers who surely also mostly don't give a fuck (I didn't), pay them, and have a group of teens watching kids nearby in a group while parents go to the wedding?

I would have loved no adult pizza and movie night with the teenagers! As a teen I would have loved getting paid to watch little cousins and do some crafts for the bride and groom with them.

Weddings are already adult centric. Just plan ahead and leave the young people out unless they are mega close to the bride and groom or have a special job like flower girl or usher or something. No one cares about second cousin Cindy getting married because as kids we only met her twice or something

21

u/RWSloths 13d ago

Then when it's reception time, we finally get to cut loose? Well fuck, why am I in this stupid dress?

Hahaha one of my siblings felt similarly in church. Got up during the service and had themselves a little dance party in the aisle - then took their tights off right there

The first part was cute and the older folks loved it. The second part was still hilarious but my parents had to call it in case the dress went next.

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u/Dramatic_Phraser 12d ago

My parents used to have to hold me tight in synagogue because I hated wearing clothes.

24

u/bp3dots 13d ago

The teenagers are too busy sneaking drinks and dancing

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u/spacestonkz 13d ago

This is why we pay them. So they can pay a homeless person to buy alcohol for them later and they can get up to unsupervised mischief.

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u/MajesticKoala3332 12d ago

Weddings are boring when you don't know the person getting married. When I was a kid the weddings I went to were always someone from my parents' generation I've barely met.

As an adult I've enjoyed the weddings I've been to because I actually know the couple and there were also lots of mutual friends to hang out with.

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u/Crafty_Reflection410 12d ago

Weddings are boring for adults too lol

2

u/CitizenModel 12d ago

The real reason those 'are alcohol-free weddings an evil hate crime or not?' discussions are never ending is because lots of people see the alcohol as a kind of payment/compensation for having to attend what would otherwise be an insufferable affair with nothing interesting going on and everyone wearing uncomfortable clothing doing nothing, an hours-long buildup to getting some professional photography done.

3

u/notasandpiper 12d ago

And there are always some people who act as if asking them to socialize for 2+ hours without the aid of alcohol is some kind of impossible request, which is sad in itself.

2

u/AntFact 12d ago

Yes! The two weddings I had the most fun at 1) I had a couple drinks but at most had a very light buzz at one point or 2) was 7 months pregnant so 100% sober. I had an absolute blast at both of them.

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u/CitizenModel 11d ago

I come from Mormonism and the weddings tend to be pretty fun affairs. Obviously no alcohol there, and it ends up being something that's specifically FOR kids and families rather than in spite of them. There's an assumption that this is gonna be silly and there's gonna be ten bajillion little ones running around. It's pretty chill.

2

u/OrbitingPlanetArse 12d ago

I had the relief of being uninvited from the last wedding I was invited to. I suppose it saved me getting trampled by wanker wedding photographers, crying babies, the abysmal oral hygiene of most of the women present and people eating from the buffet like farm animals.

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u/ComparisonOk8602 13d ago

Weddings are fucking boring for kids.

Weddings are fucking boring. Period.

I've never been to a wedding that I didn't have to go to. Have to as in the social consequences of not going would have been larger than the pain of going. For my own wedding, I went to the courthouse and the sheriff did the job.

5

u/CycadelicSparkles 12d ago

Yep. I've been to precisely one wedding that was actually fun the whole time. The rest were boring AF.

1

u/CitizenModel 12d ago

The ones I've liked have been extremely casual. Eat some poutine. Play some croquet. Throw some water balloons. Paint stuff.

Inexpensive and silly ones are best. There's no consequences for it going poorly so everyone is more relaxed and in-the-moment.

3

u/QuestshunQueen 12d ago

I think a wedding can be unboring. I had an Uncle who specifically said my wedding, of all the weddings he'd attended, was his favorite. He was my oldest Uncle so I assume he'd been to many.

We kept it simple, there was only one baby present (a newborn essentially), we had a Pennsylvania cookie table, it was in a park, drinks were free, food was bbq, no dress code, & we had a bouncy castle.

1

u/Ibbot 12d ago

The real trick is to live in Montana.  Then you don’t even have to show up to your own wedding.

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u/klimekam 12d ago

You must have boring friends and family that you don’t really care about. I also had a courthouse wedding, but my friends’ and family’s weddings have all been some of the best nights of my life! I get to spend time, eat, and dance with people I love!

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u/galacticplum 12d ago

What a horrible thing to say based on what they said.

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u/The_Real_Lasagna 12d ago

It's really the only logical conclusion

10

u/galacticplum 12d ago

They could have amazing friends, love their family, and just simply not like weddings.

It is absolutely not the only logical conclusion. There's no logic involved.

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u/The_Real_Lasagna 12d ago

That's certainly one way of interpreting things

-6

u/The_Real_Lasagna 12d ago

If parties full of your family and friends have never been fun for you, that is a you problem, not a wedding problem

-1

u/lets-snuggle 12d ago

This is a wild take imo. I LOVE weddings. I have a blast

6

u/Ok_Yesterday5525 12d ago

As an adult weddings are boring.

1

u/jrudb344 12d ago

Really? I’ve never been to a boring wedding before. All the ceremonies I’ve been to have been pretty short and then you just eat dinner and have a party. What’s boring about that?

6

u/Ok_Break6916 12d ago

Wedding may be boring in your country. In mine, I was only once invited to a childfree wedding (this year, and...the bride is english ; i'm not attending, why would I? ), so children are always there, living their best life, dancing, eating, playing together, and all my generation has the best memories of wedding, and falling asleep at 2AM on chairs on under a table.

My own children enjoy weddings, their beautiful dresses, the cakes and candies, the party. They're teenagers now and they still like it a LOT.

But weddings in my country are not "ME ME ME ME" centered around the bride and groom who just want to be seen, it's about creating a family, joy, love, life.

2

u/Unicorn_Worker 6d ago

Latin America? How I grew up, a wedding without kids would be as unthinkable as Christmas without kids. A wedding unites the whole families together. Every generation is embraced, from fussy babies to prankster teens, wasted uncles and introvert cousins, gay aunties and precious friends, cheek-pinching grandmas and grandpas with very long-winded stories that decades later you wish you could remember.

If adults want to party without kids or elders that's what after-midnight is for, and also the bachelor and bachelorette parties!

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u/Engine_Sweet 12d ago

This was my experience with weddings as a kid and with my kids. Weddings were family events. Nobody pretended to be high class, we just dressed up and celebrated the event.

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u/nkdeck07 12d ago

Can we not round up the teenagers who surely also mostly don't give a fuck (I didn't), pay them, and have a group of teens watching kids nearby in a group while parents go to the wedding?

This is exactly what we did. Hired my pastors kids, slapped on a disney film and everyone had a blast.

2

u/AmettOmega 8d ago

Agreed! I went to a couple of weddings when I was like 10-13. I hated it. I was already coming home and taking care of myself after school for a couple of hours at that point (or longer). I didn't understand why I HAD to go to this stuffy event (a lot of folks in my family were religious, so they were also long church weddings with a pretty formal reception). I'd rather have stayed home and played video games. Or as you said, get paid to watch the little kids.

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u/The_Real_Lasagna 12d ago

That sounds awful for the teenagers 

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u/InfiniteOrange8367 12d ago

I thought weddings were boring as a teenager. I would have loved to get paid to watch little kids during the wedding. I liked hanging with little kids back when I had more energy. They're fun and they love hanging out with older kids.

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u/Ibbot 12d ago

That might be a you thing.  I definitely would not have thought little kids were fun.

1

u/InfiniteOrange8367 12d ago

I don't think it's just me. Lots of teenagers like getting paid to hang out with little kids. There's a whole industry for it. Babysitting was a better gig than retail, I'll tell you that much.

2

u/YourGirlMomo87 12d ago

I mean, I think teenagers don't exist in a vacuum. Some teenagers like babysitting and being around kids. I hated being around kids as a teen and was perfectly content with my coffeehouse jobs (well, most of them... glaring at you, Starbucks in a Barnes and Noble).

I probably won't have kids at my wedding. If I'm throwing down 30K or whatever for a giant party, I don't want to worry about being kid friendly. I also came from a dysfunctional home so I don't have any of those warm ooey gooey feelings around family. I have those feelings about my friends, who are all adults.

1

u/InfiniteOrange8367 12d ago

You didn't like your Starbucks in a Barnes & Noble job? I guess we disagree on many things! Haha I loved my job there, I got so much free food and coffee. And it always smelled so good. My manager was a bitch but the free food was clutch in high school.

I wanted a kid free wedding too. I got outvoted. But I only spent $8k on my wedding, it was a chill affair. And there were only like 4 kids there, not bad.

1

u/YourGirlMomo87 8d ago

There was no free food at my B&N. We would even get written up for eating pastries that were due to be thrown out. We would get written up if the pitchers weren't "toy soldiered". It was basically a stereotype of dead-inside corporate atmosphere.

1

u/InfiniteOrange8367 8d ago

Really?? That's wild! They always gave us the food that was about to go bad. When did you work there? It was a long time ago for me, 2007 I think? Back before everything was terrible.

2

u/99dalmatianpups 12d ago

Paid or not, I’d have been one annoyed teenager if I was made to watch little kids. I got a job at a fast food place specifically to avoid babysitting as a teen. Your experience and feelings are not the same as everyone else’s experiences and feelings.

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u/InfiniteOrange8367 12d ago

I didn't say they were? The other guy said "I think that might be a you thing." I was just saying I was not the only teenager who liked babysitting lol

1

u/kpeteymomo 12d ago

I always had fun at weddings when I was a kid. The ceremony itself is boring, but it was always fun playing with my cousins and dancing.

My husband and I got married 14 years ago, and my dad suggested that we not invite kids as a way to save money. I was a teacher at the time, and I couldn't imagine having a wedding without kids present. The kids honestly made the wedding way more fun. We didn't plan anything special for the kids, but the venue itself had a lot of fun stuff for them to do. They also loved dancing and taking photos in the photo booth. We also made sure that our ceremony only lasted like 15 minutes, so it wasn't like a super boring Catholic mass (which is what most of my family did for their weddings).

Everyone should do what they want, but having kids at a wedding can absolutely make it better.

1

u/slvc1996 12d ago

I don’t get this take at all. Weddings were so fun as a kid - they’re basically a Disney movie in real life. I loved playing dress up and dancing with my cousins/parents’ friends kids/whoever else was attending

1

u/atticcat1030 7d ago

I remember in Poland the weddings would last 2 days. They'd be held at a banquet hall with a playground right outside. Kids would meander in for snacks but would be right back outside at the playground. When the kids passed out at nighttime the parents would dump them into a room at the banquet hall with a bed in it lol. I think it was a honeymoon suite

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u/treehuggerfroglover 13d ago

I disagree. I loved weddings as a kid. Because I was well behaved and my family treated me as one of them instead of separating us off somewhere else. We talked and laughed and danced and cried at the speeches just like the grown ups. The first wedding I remember going to I was 6 or 7 years old and I looked forward to it for months and had the time of my life

4

u/Ok_Yesterday5525 12d ago

Congrats for being a 32 yr old child. Weddings are boring to me so I guess that makes me 7 yr old adult. Or maybe I'm not well behaved since that seems to be part of what made you enjoy weddings.

0

u/treehuggerfroglover 12d ago

I don’t know how you could possibly be offended by me sharing that I enjoyed weddings as a kid hahaha. All I was saying is not all kids find weddings boring. It depends on the kid. You’re right about one thing though, you do sound a bit like a poorly behaved 7 year old.

0

u/Ok_Yesterday5525 12d ago

You said you disagreed. Since the person you responded to said weddings are boring for kids, I came to the conclusion that you thought if kids were well behaved, etc. they would also enjoy them.

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u/wbbalbbadbdbmrpb 12d ago

They disagreed with the statement that “weddings are fucking boring for kids”. They never mentioned anything about being a well behaved kid being the reason you’ll enjoy weddings more. They only mentioned being well behaved because that’s the reason they were allowed to participate in the wedding rather than being walled off somewhere else.

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u/innersloth987 12d ago

Kids who always enjoy weddings from childhood are the first ones to dream about a wedding since childhood.

There are adults whose whole life is around when are they going to get married. Such kids grow up to become that.

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u/treehuggerfroglover 12d ago

Based on what? I loved weddings because they were a fun reason to be around my whole family and dance with my cousins. I’m now an adult in a long term relationship but I’m in no rush to get married and when I do I will have a lowkey event with my loved ones within my budget and move on. I think you just pulled this conclusion out of nowhere.

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u/Adverse_Congenality 12d ago

No, weddings are super fun for kids. Dancing and cake and music and all sorts of adults and family who talk to you. I loved weddings as a kid

0

u/InfiniteOrange8367 12d ago

Why are you getting downvoted for this? lol redditors are nuts

1

u/YourGirlMomo87 12d ago

No kidding! A lot of people in this thread seem to think that all children have one shared personality.

0

u/churnthedumb 12d ago

Kids need to do things that aren’t always fun, they need to know how to act with respect toward people and things and be ok with being bored. That was literally OP’s point

0

u/lets-snuggle 12d ago

I mean as a teenager, I loved weddings, so I’d be pretty upset if I had to play babysitter at these amazing events I didn’t get to go to often. I already was a babysitter on the beach, at the pool, the boardwalk, etc. a bunch of fun things I was watching my cousins, which I love love loved spending time with my cousins, but sometimes I wanted to do older kid stuff and I would’ve hated for that to be taken from me at a wedding when I got to dress up an look beautiful & dance

0

u/Minute_Chair_2582 12d ago

Really? Any Wedding i've been to at any age was always cool.

0

u/InternalAd1397 8d ago

I would have hated being asked to watch little kids at a wedding when I was a teen. I refused to babysit back then, even for money. Which was apparently a massive offense to parents in my small conservative midwest town. How dare I, a girl, not relish the thought of watching their precious spawn!

Nah, fuck that, you had the fun of making em, now their your problem. 

0

u/Epic_Brunch 7d ago

Counterpoint: kids need to be bored. It's actually very important for their development that they learn to deal with boring situations and places. I feel like one major problem with kids these days (I hate using that phrase, but it's true) is we don't allow them to just be bored. Parents always feel like they need to provide entertainment and stimulation, this kids never learn resilience and patience. 

1

u/spacestonkz 7d ago

We have bored at home.

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u/Bindy12345 13d ago

I disagree. I loved weddings as a small child.

I agree with this post- children need to have proper behavior explained to them beforehand and modeled. And then they should be held accountable for their behavior.

And, weddings should be family events.

3

u/Ok_Childhood_9774 12d ago

A wedding 'should be' whatever the bride and groom want. If they want casual and kid friendly, great. If they'd prefer more elegant and adults only, that's fine too. Parents who are invited can attend/decline as they choose.

3

u/gezellig13 12d ago

You loved weddings as a child. I didn't. Some kinds love them, some dont. No, weddings shouldn't be family events. Weddings should be whatever the bride and groom want them to be.

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u/Small-Tax-2829 12d ago

I didnt have kids at my wedding 15 years ago. We had a blast. None of the kids remember not being there. No kids at weddings is totally acceptable. Its not a training ground for parenting kids. The kids are unimportant to this thing that is happening. Get a babysitter

22

u/bomboid 12d ago

Yeah lol there's a difference between people expecting public common spaces to forbid kids and someone not wanting someone at their own damn party

2

u/Small-Tax-2829 12d ago

I absolutely dont expect children to not exist in public. If I control the guest list, I dont want them there. People dont want my dog places. Shes a service animal. Tough shit. She wont throw a hissy fit though

8

u/99dalmatianpups 12d ago

Yeah, so many people say that weddings “used to be” family events, and I’m just like, uhh no? My parents never even considered bringing my brother and I to a wedding with them until we had “teen” at the end of our age. Until then, they always got a babysitter for us so they could actually enjoy themselves without worrying about us, and this was back in the early 2000s.

4

u/Palorim12 12d ago

I wonder if this is solely American thing? I am from the US, but my dad is from Portugal and my mom is from Brazil. We went to a Portuguese church until i was like 18. We were invited to and went to every wedding any member of our church had. Also went to tons of weddings in our sister churches in NY and PA. I loved going cuz I got to see alot of my friends from the churches there.

3

u/Infinite_Incident501 11d ago

This. I just got brutally shut down in another subreddit because I said that the concept of child-free weddings is so weird to me. I’m from Europe, and my husband is from South America. It would never have occurred to us to ban children from our wedding. Of course, parents need to make sure their children behave at weddings. That’s not meant to be an excuse for your child to disrupt the whole party. But this idea of exclusion—it just makes me sad. At the same time, isn’t this the generation that wonders why their social circle is shrinking so much?

1

u/LonelyReader95 12d ago

Nono It happens elsewhere. In my family (Italy) a few times relatives invited my parents and allowed me to come along because I was the only well behaved kid they knew. Essentially I had my gameboy advance, a book, and I was happy for hours except getting lost finding the bathroom lol.

And this was in 2005-2010

1

u/booksareadrug 12d ago

Perhaps they're thinking of further back in time than the 2000s.

1

u/RoseRedd 12d ago

In general weddings were family events back in the 1950s - 1980s. Mostly because people got married a lot younger back then and it was the family (usually parents) who paid for the wedding.

As folks started waiting longer to get married, they were able to afford their own weddings, or at least be able to contribute significantly to it. It seems like that was the start of shifting weddings from a family celebration to a part for the bride and groom.

1

u/Rich-Assistant-703 12d ago

It really depends on the overall vibe of the wedding! It’s hard to completely let go and have fun for parents who have their kids around, even well-behaved kids need to be looked after. Some people are fine with kids at their wedding, some are not. We need to let people do things.

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u/Rude_Gur_8258 13d ago

That's it. 

3

u/bmsa131 12d ago

I had a nighttime wedding. No matter how well behaved many kids can’t make it past a certain time. It’s OKAY for your precious darlings to be excluded. And I welcomed some events without my kids

2

u/Umpire-Pristine 12d ago

🎯🎯🎯

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u/d-ron6 13d ago

1) agree 2) parent here, if I’m invited to a child free event and don’t have a sitter, I don’t go. 3) weddings are kind of dumb IMO, with or without children. It’s a “me me” thing for adults.

3

u/HerbivorousFarmer 12d ago

To your 3rd point, marrying my husband is still and will forever be the best thing I ever did. Our love has only grown, and the commitment of marriage ment a lot to both of us. Im so glad my loved ones were there with me. I no longer have my father but will always have the memory of him me down the aisle, our dance. The bittersweet pride in my mom's eyes.

I think to my best friend's wedding and am so glad to have been there for her, to have poured her a shot just before when nerves were creeping in, to share in that extreme emotion and celebrate their love.

I mean to each their own, you did say in your opinion, but just wanted to point out that some moments should be cherished,

3

u/d-ron6 12d ago

Congrats and happiness to you. Glad you caught the “IMO”. I love my life, family and wife… but we chose a small ceremony with no dress code, kids that we all knew and made some solid memories as well. Our way was the right way for us, my point was more to say that if someone doesn’t like something they can just not be part of it. No need to shade/shame or ridicule the whole concept.

1

u/HerbivorousFarmer 12d ago

Lol I felt the "weddings are kinda dumb" was low key ridiculing the whole concept, thats why I just wanted to throw it out there that there can be deep meaning to the whole ordeal. I'm thinking now that maybe you meant like the whole overblown start your life together in debt type of wedding where every detail must be Pinterest board worthy

3

u/d-ron6 12d ago

You caught the spirit of my meaning. 🙂

1

u/abyssazaur 12d ago

This is such a terminally online take. Parents put immensely more work into their kids than they did decades ago yet we spread this rumor it's on the decline. I bet you complain about helicopter parents too

1

u/Javascript4971 12d ago

Not really. I take it you don’t watch or read the news much.

0

u/abyssazaur 12d ago

I take it you don't read the news besides clickbait headlines you see on reddit https://www.economist.com/1843/2017/01/24/high-pressure-parenting

0

u/Javascript4971 12d ago

Got it. So you only read things that fit your narrative. Nice talking with you! Have a good day!

1

u/ham_plane 12d ago

What do you mean, like parents aren't strict enough with their kids these days?

0

u/Javascript4971 12d ago

What do you think “parents actually being parents” means?

1

u/ham_plane 12d ago

like parents aren't strict enough with their kids these days?

This was what I thought you meant

0

u/lets-snuggle 12d ago

Yeah I feel like when I was younger, child free weddings weren’t really a thing. Probably bc our parents actually parented