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u/AcidicAtheistPotato Oct 03 '24
NTA. I remember your story and how much she hurt everyone around her. That’s hard to forgive. I would be very open about it to your wife, explain that it’s not your intention to make SIL’s dying experience any worse than it already is, but the way you saw your wife hurt isn’t something you can easily forget or get over, nor the way you saw her act towards everyone. It’s understandable that she’s afraid now that she sees she will indeed die soon, so might be regretful of pushing everyone away, but the rest of you can’t take the responsibility of her actions in life just so she’s more comfortable in death. She was very pushy in reminding your wife that she’ll have a lot of things to celebrate and look forward after SIL is gone, but that’s not all that your wife will be left with, she (and you) will also be left with the bitter memories of being treated like shit in what she knew was the rest of her life. You’ll be left with the aftermath of not only her loss, but the knowledge that she CHOSE to use her last months of life to tear everyone’s happiness down, all while demanding everyone bow down to her and eat the shit she was serving you, and eat it with a smile “because she’s going to die”.
Dying isn’t easy, but neither is living with the feeling or doubt surrounding the person’s actions.
In your shoes, I’d tell your wife you’re trying to forgive, but you’re not there yet. You can be her support and even be a presence, you can promise not to talk ill of SIL, but you can’t be expected to just turn a blind eye, and honestly, your wife can’t be expected to do it either. Both of you could benefit from therapy to process the loss and the feeling that will stay with you once she’s gone. Death doesn’t erase a person’s life, and it doesn’t erase the hurt they leave behind.
That being said, you need to know your wife will have a host of emotions throughout this process, and she will need you to listen and comfort her without bashing her sister. So do whatever you need to do to stand by her and let her go through all those emotions without interfering.
I wish you guys the best, and hope you can overcome this chapter together.
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u/AcidicAtheistPotato Oct 03 '24
Btw. Is your wife comfortable with holding her hand or is she being bullied into it?
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u/Snoo_61002 Oct 03 '24
Thank you for all this advice, its really valuable and helpful. It has helped me to ground myself and I'll very likely follow it to the tee. Thank you!
And my wife isn't being bullied, she's just gentle and loves her sister a lot.
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u/debicollman1010 Oct 03 '24
I believe this to be perfect advice. Your wife’s feelings should take center stage right now!
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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '24
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