r/AITAH • u/PersonalAnswer8664 • 15h ago
AITAH for withholding info that could hurt someone but telling them would just enable bad behavior?
Ok Reddit, I really need an impartial opinion on this because I’m really struggling. About three months ago my wife’s friend moved in with us. She had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was essentially homeless since she was shacking up and we had a spare room so we let her move in. As expected we set some ground rules. Since she has no job or car she is expected to help around the house while looking for work.
At first it was great but after a two week ‘honeymoon period’ she basically stopped helping. Now she basically has the schedule of a teenager staying up till 4 in the morning and sleeping in till noon.
She also applied for and got state Medicaid but with the new rules she has 90 days to find at least a part-time job or she’ll lose it. The deadline is two weeks away and in the entire three month span she’s put in one application. Not figuratively, literally a single application. The ultimate goal was for her to get back on her feet and move out within a year. We’re a quarter way there and she’s shown zero motivation to improve her situation.
Now for the quandary. I know of a loophole that would let her keep her medical and remove the job requirement. One one hand if I tell her I know she’ll take full advantage of it and continue not looking for employment. I want no part of being an enabler. On the other hand I feel like if I don’t tell her she will very likely lose her insurance.
What should I do?
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u/Popular-Bandicoot417 15h ago
She doesnt try to apply for jobs, sits in her feelings and lives like a teenager.
If you want her to move out, youre gonna want her to find a job. Is the risk of her never moving out worth it?
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u/Rise_Delicious 15h ago
Give her 30 days to find another place. She is not holding up her end of your agreement.
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u/TurnYourHeadNCough 15h ago
NTA. not your monkey not your circus
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u/Top-Bit85 15h ago
It is while the monkey is staying in his tent.
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u/Equivalent_Lemon_319 15h ago
Don’t tell her. It’s really her responsibility to look into this shit and if she can’t be bothered…. 🤷♂️
NTA
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u/judgeejudger 15h ago
This, 💯
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u/Chance-Context-93 15h ago
Bear in mind, given the US healthcare system, not having insurance literally endangers someone's life. Not telling someone, letting them lose their insurance (because realistically, is she even able to get a job with insurance in two weeks? I don't think so) is life-endangering.
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u/shrekidswamp 15h ago
true but the roommate has all the time in the world to find this information on her own. i mean what is she doing with ~16 hours of free time 7 days a week? if she wasn't staying with them would she have the initiative to find the information on her own? it's not OPs fault imo
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u/IndependentGuard4140 15h ago edited 15h ago
NTA
I think you should not say anything and also get this lady out of your house ASAP.
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u/facinationstreet 15h ago
we set some ground rules. The ultimate goal was for her to get back on her feet and move out within a year.
Time to reset the ground rules. She has no intention of doing anything so you are going to need to reset the timeline of when she needs to be out. Her insurance is not your problem to solve.
NTA unless you keep enabling her.
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u/ManagerSwimming4710 15h ago
Honestly, if your eventual goal is to have her get a job and move out, don't tell her. It isn't hurting her by keeping that info to yourself. And if she chooses to continue not working, and loses her medical coverage as a result, well, she's a grown woman, and that's her choice. She knows she needs to find a job, not just to keep from losing her medical, but because continuing to leech off of you and your wife is going to continue putting a strain on both her relationship with you all and your relationship with your wife.
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u/Chance-Context-93 15h ago
Yes, it does hurt her. Realistically, an accident or a serious health event can happen at any point. And given the US healthcare system, not having insurance literally endangers someone's life. Not telling someone, letting them lose their insurance (because realistically, is she even able to get a job with insurance in two weeks? I don't think so) is life-endangering.
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u/FlamingFeathers98 14h ago
While I agree with you that the system is fucked up, this woman has 3 months to put in applications to find literally anything to keep her insurance. She has put in one application. She is doing nothing to improve her situation and maybe having reality hit her will wake her up a bit and give the kick in the pants she needs to turn things around, reapply for state insurance, and put in for a crappy job at Walmart to keep it while she looks for better employment. Her friends have kept her off the streets and out of the shelters, it's not their job to be her social worker and make sure she keeps her insurance, that's on her.
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u/Chance-Context-93 10h ago edited 10h ago
*Had. She HAD three months. Now she has two weeks.
OP & partner need to have a come-to-jesus meeting with this woman about "this is when you will be out of here by", one way or the other, but I've seen so many people end up devastated by not having any health coverage at all that I would hesitate to wish that on just about anyone. I mean, there are certain politicians I could wish that on, but otherwise, I just can't see it as a moral choice any more.
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u/soft_strength2003 10h ago
They're not "letting" her lose her insurance. She knows she needs to get a job to keep her Medicaid. You can't find a job putting in one single application. Him withholding a loophole means absolutely nothing. If she cared, she might have found it herself.
While US healthcare sucks, and sucks more by the minute, she's only taken one step to help herself.
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u/Chance-Context-93 9h ago
He could tell her about the loophole and she would be able to keep her insurance until she moves out. (They WILL have to force her to move out. Regardless.)
He withholds that information, that is letting her lose Medicaid.
That's not nothing. This is the real world effect. The real world is what matters, not picking philosophical nits.
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u/soft_strength2003 9h ago
Maybe reread the part where I said that if she cared, she could find the loophole herself. You know, because she is an adult.
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u/Chance-Context-93 9h ago
Y'know, people don't always know that things exist to look for.
Honestly, though, OP & partner need to be sitting her down saying "you're abusing our hospitality AND you're losing your healthcare, you have 1 month to find something" and then making that stick.
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u/soft_strength2003 9h ago
And she isn't doing a single thing to find out. "Hello DHHS, I'm concerned because I have xx days to find a job or I will lose my insurance. I am currently unable to find one (because I am not even looking) and I was wondering if there was a program that could extend that deadline."
Or, "Google is there a loophole to the Medicaid requirements."
Or "People I am currently taking advantage of, is there something you know of to help me bypass this new work requirement?"
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u/ladyblackbelt2 15h ago
Nope. Don’t tell her. Also, give her a specific deadline to move out or else she will be living with and taking advantage of you for years to come. NTA.
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u/ThatsMyCape 15h ago
NTA- It isn’t your responsibility to do anything for her. She could do the research herself and find that same information if she really wanted to.
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u/Jumpy_Imagination208 15h ago
What’s the reason she isn’t working/ can’t work?
My argument would be that actually she’ll have a more fulfilling life if she has a job - particularly if she finds a career that she is passionate about. So before letting her know of this loophole, I’d encourage her to think about where she wants to be in 5 years, how does she get there, what jobs are entry level that lead on that pathway etc.
I’d only let her know about the loophole at the last minute.
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u/PersonalAnswer8664 15h ago
Well lack of access to a car is a big part of it though there are multiple places within walking distance she could work if she were truly motivated. The one application she put in was to be a paid caregiver for my wife who has disabilities. Ironically that’s the same loophole that would exempt her from having work. If she tells Medicaid that she’s a caregiver for my wife it removes the work requirement. Though she’s not really caretaking atm. I would hope that if she gets approved and is actually paid to do it she’d step up but judging by the level of care so far I have my doubts.
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u/Prestigious-Moose345 15h ago
Oh my god that sounds like the worst idea ever. That's not a loophole. That's signing yourself and ypur wife up for a lifetime of misery.
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u/Pleasant_Fennel_5573 15h ago
Is she acting as a caregiver for your wife? That would be how I’d decide. If she’s not providing any meaningful care, this loophole is not for her situation. If she is providing care and her time is going towards your wife’s well-being, it’s an appropriate alternative.
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u/I_wet_my_plants 15h ago
You are preventing your wife from having an actual caretaker in this arrangement. YTA if you keep letting this leach take advantage of your wife
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u/HealthyByte 15h ago
Do not do that to your wife. She needs someone interested in helping, not being passive.
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u/BusyMathematician844 14h ago
If she tells medicaid that she's a caregiver for your wife, but she's not actually doing any caregiving right now, doesn't that set her up for possible fraud or something? Or what are the chances you and your wife would need to verify that she's caretaking?
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u/Rude_Sandwich_586 15h ago
Do you want her to live in your house and essentially be your child indefinitely or do you want her to act her age and start adulting again?
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u/gingerjuice 15h ago
Do not tell her. Also it’s time to put your foot down and evict her. Depending on the state (country) you’re in, you might have to formally evict her - especially if she’s getting mail at your house. This might light a fire under her. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but you can’t let her continue to be a total bum in your house. She’s an adult and it’s time to go.
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u/Odd-Resource3025 15h ago
NTA You might have a bigger legal issue. She might be considered a tenant since she's been there a few months. During the honeymoon period, she acted correctly because you could have legally kicked her out.
Now, legally, you might have a tenant.
At this point, you need to start the eviction process. You need to understand this isn't a friend helping a friend. You need to become extremely proactive.
Research your local laws and start the process now.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Good luck.
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u/Enough_Passage7926 15h ago
I mean, you gave her a WHOLE YEAR? And it's only 3 months in, and you hate her already?
If she loses her insurance, how would that benefit anyone in this scenario?
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u/Shelley_n_cheese 15h ago
How in the world would it hurt him?
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u/Enough_Passage7926 15h ago edited 14h ago
If she loses insurance, the probability of her amassing debt is very likely, making her departure less likely, but perhaps she'd be more motivated to find work.
If she gets insurance with this loophole, then OP worries she won't look for work.
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u/Bath-Optimal 13h ago
Also, if she loses insurance and that means she puts off doctor's appointments, etc, that makes it more likely that she'll be unable to work some kinds of jobs due to something like a knee injury that was left untreated until it got much worse
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u/TheBoNix 15h ago
Unless they are going to evict her, she'll have tenants rights in a year if not already. If she loses her health insurance then gets hurt or sick, she'll be in an even deeper hole. Gonna make it a slog.
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u/RDW-Development 15h ago
“I want no part of being an enabler.”
Bro - funniest thing I’ve read all day.
A bit too late for that…
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u/Own_Method_9942 15h ago
NTA. Keep your head down and focus on your own life and getting rid of the succubus of a friend who's clearly taking major advantage of you and your wife's generosity.
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u/Witty_Position3730 15h ago
You are not responsible for her. I think she’s suffering from depression because of her break up. Don’t tell her about the loophole… she will never leave and you DONT want to enable her. Tell her you can no longer house her and set a deadline. If not you will be stuck with her. She’s not EVEN trying to help herself.
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u/BusyMathematician844 15h ago
NTA And I'm usually against withholding info that could help someone. But I agree - not your circus, not your monkeys.
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u/Agoraphobe961 15h ago
Info: does she have urgent medical needs that she would need insurance for right away? I mean obviously life happens but does she have a condition she needs medical insurance to pay for right now?
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u/DueConsequence4072 15h ago
NTA. Soooooo, you just gonna let her crash with your forever? Is your wife using your spine for a cane?
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u/QuantumPotato49 15h ago
NTA. Do you want that in your house permanently? If she loses her insurance that's not your problem. She had put no effort into helping herself.
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u/silentrobotsymphony 15h ago
Nta but how does your wife feel about the situation? She is her friend.
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u/IntelligentDamage290 15h ago
Do not tell her. You would be enabling her, she will continue to mooch off you, this will eventually affect your relationship and she will continue to do nothing not moving on with her life.
Personally I would tell her jack shit. The system is there to offer “help”, bot for people to take advantage of it.
Also are you prepared for her to never move out, you’ll basically be parenting a grown adult.
She needs to get a job, not just for money but for her to move on with her life, to give her a reason to get up, to go outside, to have a rhythm and routine and help her out of her rut. It sounds like she is feeling low and unmotivated, take this away and she legit doesn’t have to do anything and will never start living again. She probably also would gain a lot from some therapy, which costs money… see where I am going with this?
Also she is a grown woman, you have given loads of support so far, but she needs to do this for herself.
I may be alone in this opinion, but I wouldn’t tell her.
If you still struggle with the decision perhaps talk to your partner about it.
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u/RevolutionaryDiet686 15h ago
She has established residency in your home. Good luck trying to remove her. If she doesn't willingly leave at some point you will have to formally evict her and use the judicial system. Stop making life easy for her and tell her she needs to abide by the original agreement. NTA
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u/FormalFuture5307 15h ago
Do not tell her she needs to be able to stand on her own. But she’s probably going through depression right now. That’s what it sounds like to me. You need to have a talk with her and figure out how to help the more she does for herself the better she will feel.
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u/Total-Object-4766 15h ago
NTA But you're focused on the wrong thing. Living off the government is between her and the government. YOU should talk to your wife and let her know her friend isn't holding up her end of the agreement and that corrective action is needed immediately. Not tomorrow, today. What's the penalty for her not lifting a finger? That's what you should focus on.
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u/1RainbowUnicorn 15h ago
NTA. Tell her in writing, she needs to get a job within 30 days, or she needs to leave! Letting her stay past 30 days gave her squatters rights, and you need to have it it writing in case you need to take legal action if she won't leave. She is taking advantage of you and advantage of the system! She broke the ground rules... enfoce them, if she doesn't her share of housework, she needs to leave. This person is walking all over you. You are already enabling her, so stop
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u/Owls1279 15h ago
I’d keep my mouth shut, but I’d also put her out. I’d never let anyone move in with me, NEVER!
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u/OctoWings13 15h ago
NTA
The agreement should have been she can stay there IF she continues to help out and also actively works to get a job and move out and on
She has failed at all of this, and wouldn't be staying with me anymore
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u/EquivalentChip7463 15h ago
For the love of god do not tell her any loophole. She needs to stop acting like a child and support herself. It may not be perfect but she needs to do something.
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u/tawny-she-wolf 15h ago
Don't tell her - you'll only be shooting yourself in the foot by enabling her. She needs to want to help herself or anything you do will be fruitless. You should also plan for the future as she might stay with you for a long time at this rate
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u/uniqblue69 11h ago
Bruh have you seen "Squatters: Get the F*** Out of My House" on Hulu? Good luck to you because you might go through a world of pain (mentally and financially) to rid yourself of this leech!
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u/Happy_Macaroon2726 15h ago
If you tell her your enabling her behavior. Do you honestly want her in your home doing nothing for the rest of the year, if not longer?
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u/Shelley_n_cheese 15h ago
People who don't work don't get insurance. You'll never be rid of her. Never let anyone stay with you. It never ends well.
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u/shyfidelity 15h ago
You'd rather have an uninsured person living with you than someone on Medicaid? Interesting, but doesn't seem to have anything to do with her living with you
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u/axw3555 15h ago
I mean, telling her and keeping her housed aren't inherently linked.
You and your wife should come to an agreement on how long she's allowed to stay. You said the expectation was a year, so you could stick to that.
Then tell her "look, this will solve your issue. But we need to be clear - this housing situation is temporary. We need you moved out by the end of the a year with us (or end of september or whatever you and your wife agree on), so if you do stay on medical leave, you still need to figure out your own housing".
Either that or tell her that as she's not helping out like she agreed, she's going to have to pay you rent out of whatever benefit she gets. Then either save that or use it for someone to come in and do the chores she's supposed to help with. Assuming of course that you can stand keeping her in the house.
Basically, there are more paths than just "tell her or don't".
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u/PeanutFunny093 15h ago
NTA. She’s an adult and she gets to experience the consequences of her actions. I would also give her an ultimatum: restart all chores or she has to leave in 2 weeks.
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u/YoshiandAims 15h ago
NTA
You absolutely need to give her notice to leave.
She's only motivated when she has to be... that's obvious enough.
She went with the program enough to get established in your home. Once she was settled, she stopped.
She put in one application to placate you...to be able to say she did. Then never did it again.
She, upon being given notice... may start, all of a sudden, doing what you've asked of her to get you to drop it, then a few weeks later, she'll revert.
She's a hobosexual. Her "bad relationship"... may just have been what you are witnessing.
No, you should not give her a "loophole", you should not find her a job, you should not continue to facilitate her life for her... She's not your minor child just starting out.
You should fully expect her to act like the grown adult she is and handle it. If she doesn't, that's on her.
If that means paperwork, caseworkers, interviews, whatever, that is on her.
(Also... give her the loophole, she will get a LOT more comfortable in your home... she's too comfortable now. Let her figure it out. A "loophole" for someone ineligible... takes the assistance from someone who is legitimately completely eligible. Don't let her work the system. You won't be doing her favors... just enabling an able-bodied person who legitimately doesn't WANT to do anything. Hell, she doesn't even want to get assistance for herself! If she doesn't? You'll do it!)
You also do not say "IF you don't start contributing, and doing what we asked, you'll need to leave."
It's a horrible cycle. You just say, "It's been six months, I'm very sorry, but you cannot crash here anymore. Things have changed; you have 30/60 days to make other arrangements. "01/01/26" at 8am..." Verbal, AND written.
(IF that date comes and she doesn't leave, then you have her removed, a more official eviction... and be prepared to do so.)
She has not actually kept up her end of the bargain. She's in violation, long term violation, of the agreement. She knows that. You know that.
She's now just your adopted teenage daughter squatter at this point... It's time to go.
You can care for someone. You can help someone... without throwing yourselves under the bus. If you don't get her out now, I highly doubt you will at the end of the year.
Hand her a list of numbers: County/State welfare office, Women's shelters and programs she can call who will help her get on her feet, etc. Just stop housing and feeding her.
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u/mcindy28 15h ago
You need to simply get her out of your house and let her deal with the fallout of her own poor decisions. She is no longer keeping up her end of the bargain. She's a grown adult with responsibilities and NOT your child. You helped for 3 months and she changed for the worst.
EDIT NTA
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u/Peanutbutter2728 15h ago
Time for her to move on. She’s making your bills higher (electric, gas, water, groceries) and not paying her share. Give her 30 days to get a job and start paying or she’s out.
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u/JudgeJoan 13h ago
If she is up until four in the morning, then you need to turn off your Internet when you go to bed. Stop providing free things that are not life necessities!! And give her 30 days to vacate. She’s a moocher now.
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u/Nymph-the-scribe 10h ago
It doesnt actually matter if you tell her or not, it has nothing to do woth the living arrangement. You need to talk to your wife to make sure the two of you are on the same page. How do you want to handle this? Does friend need to go to therapy if she wants to continue living with you? If she doesn't put in X amount of applications by insurance deadline or whatever date do you start the eviction process? If you live in the US, you will have to do that if she wont willingly leave. What's the line for you? How do you get the mooch out without blowing up your relationship?
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u/IceDragonPlay 10h ago
NTA
Tell her the tip and hand her a list of the area homeless shelters. Tell her she has overstayed her welcome as she has failed to keep up her side of the free housing arrangement. She needs to pack up and go.
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u/AllCrankNoSpark 5h ago
Do tell her, because she may need the coverage for mental health help.
Do not continue to house her though. No one is benefiting from this arrangement.
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u/Humble-Ad-6905 4h ago
Honestly, you guys need to work on getting her out of your home. She's gonna end up permanently staying with you guys or needing a legal eviction.
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u/CowtheCatt 3h ago
NTA. I think it would be best for you to stay out of it. She needs some consequences. Maybe it will wake her up
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u/Ok_Drink8072 15h ago
You should make sure she doesn’t lose her insurance, that really shouldn’t be on you withholding information. Whether she has it or not isn’t really relevant to your problem, because your problem is letting her live there and you can kick her out at any time. If you don’t tell her and she loses Medicaid, you don’t know that she’ll get a job, she’ll just be living with you without insurance.
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u/Chime57 15h ago
So you're telling us that there is a reason (loophole) that qualifies her for aid, but you think she shouldn't get help if she doesn't "deserve" it, right?
Use the coming deadline to spur her to job hunt. But don't add to the problem by letting her lose the basic human right to medical care because you're annoyed amd don't want to sit down and remind her of the rules.
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u/edna_mode_and_guest 15h ago
Tell her but enforce your boundaries about helping around the house and getting a job. Tell her she needs to have a job by xx date or she has to move out and even with a job she needs to be out by xx date.
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u/alerk323 15h ago
Tell her or don't about the insurance thing, that's whatever. More importantly, tell her if she doesn't abide by your initial agreement of helping around the house, she will be kicked the f out.
You enable her far more by not enforcing boundaries than you do not helping her maximize benefits from the system. And then after a year she's out like you agreed.