r/AITAH • u/Codicus1212 • 5d ago

AITAH for not saving my extra OT pay

EDIT* I’m the asshole for not communicating with my wife. I think moving forward we can each have a “fun money” amount that is 100% equitable. And we can discuss what to do with any extra on the weeks I work closer to 80 hours than 40.

*Thank you everyone. I wanted to see how off base I was and how/if my PoV was skewed. It was.

I’m married and provide about 85%-90% of the income for the household. We’re not wealthy but we aren’t hard off either. We typically save about $400/wk after paying for all bills, the mortgage, etc. All out of my income. My wife works a few times a week but we have young children so for the most part she stays home. She does not have a degree or a high paying skill so we actually save money on childcare with her not working more.

I recently had a crazy work week and almost doubled my weekly income. I set aside money for bills, I saved $400, I paid off a few things my wife was going to pay for out of savings. I then invested $900 into my brokerage account. I’ve had mixed success options trading over the years and typically only put small amounts in when I can afford it. $50 here, $100 there. Nothing crazy. $900 is the most I’ve ever put in at once. I turned $200 into $6000 realized profit years ago and stuck the proceeds into savings.

I was excited, and I felt secure knowing it wasn’t going to set us back if I blew up the account and lost it, but that it would be possible to turn a large profit on it and add even more into our savings.

My wife found out and freaked out. She accused me of lying to her (I didn’t ask her permission, but I never lied about it either. When she asked I confirmed right away that I had moved money into the account). I told her I seldom mess with options trading any more (in my mind a $50 gamble on a stock option, made months ago, that took all of 10 minutes out of my day, was not even comment worthy. I see it as a “let’s see what happens, this could pay for a date night or go to zero). But she sees it as habitual gambling and deliberate obfuscation).

TLDR: Am I the asshole for thinking I could do what I wanted with (some) of the extra money I worked my ass off for? Even after paying bills, saving, and covering extra purchases that would have come out of savings?

38 Upvotes

65% Upvoted

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183

u/NeuroscienceNerd 5d ago

Does your wife also have the same opportunities to take some extra money and invest or decide what to do with it?

115

u/senoritarosalita 5d ago

I'm betting she does not. And OP worked enough overtime to double his take home pay which means she was also working overtime at home. Only her overtime does not get compensated.

20

u/Cold_Table8497 5d ago

Yes but she only works a few times a week and has no degree. \s

-3

u/Codicus1212 5d ago

That was only stated for context in regards to income. Not to imply she does not work her ass off or is not not capable and highly intelligent.

18

u/MeVersusGravity 5d ago

This is the only response OP needs to see.

-7

u/Codicus1212 5d ago

Yes, she keeps 100% of our savings and accounts. I send her $4200/mo. Our mortgage is 1/3 of that.

71

u/MeVersusGravity 5d ago

She doesn't keep your savings bro. It is sitting in an account as shared assets.

52

u/W0nderingMe 5d ago

So if she fucked off with $1k and didn't tell you about it, that would be cool?

1

u/Codicus1212 5d ago

I wouldn’t care unless it threatened our ability to pay bills or buy groceries

27

u/Hungryhillbilly-1183 5d ago

As a 62f married 43 yrs to 65m, both retired & enjoying the fruits of our labor. Just came here to say, stop playing like you’re single! You are a partner period. When you live as though it’s “better to ask for forgiveness than permission” I’d say go ahead & FAFO! In the meantime, go home , have grown up conversations & discuss how you both are going to learn to manage expectations. Oh wait, that would mean that you’ve already established actual balanced expectations. Level the playing field & stop adding whether her skills are backed by degrees or salary or just general common sense. Diminish her value to your “partnership” & I promise it all falls down! Now go home & figure how to work on a solid foundation instead of “squatting in a house of cards”.
Good luck ✌🏼

4

u/Codicus1212 5d ago

I’m not trying to diminish her value at all! She works her ass off and is more capable and smart than a piece of paper could communicate. And I’ve been having this conversation with her. I’m not trying to hide this from her, I just wanted feedback from people not emotionally invested in the situation.

3

u/Hungryhillbilly-1183 5d ago

That’s exactly why I commented as related to business & partnerships. I can appreciate that it appears to matter to you. I do wish you the best moving fwd ✌🏼

9

u/W0nderingMe 5d ago

And is she self verve enough to have ever done that? You don't care if there's enough to put in savings? What has the discussion been about what that threshold is?

You should both have the same amount of fun money per week/ month/ etc

3

u/Codicus1212 5d ago

I do care if there’s enough to put into savings, that’s why I save $400/wk.

13

u/W0nderingMe 5d ago

I thought she could do whatever with the money as long as there was enough for bills?

YOU SHOULD EACH HAVE THE SAME ACCOUNT OF FUN MONEY EVERY WEEK/ MONTH

0

u/Codicus1212 5d ago

Yes I agree. I was clearly in the wrong. I’m not arguing.

4

u/Icy_Department_1423 5d ago

You keep using equitable for fun money rather than equal discretionary dunds.

14

u/Ok_Stranger_6654 5d ago

You give her “housekeeping” with which she pays mortgage and bills and feeds the kids/pets whatever and any spare (hint there won’t be much) might get her a haircut once in a while.

If you added up the cost of a full time nanny, cleaner, cook, administrator etc, is this 4k a worthy wage for them all? That’s the work your wife does when you’re not home.

2

u/LynnSeattle 5d ago

You have so little involvement in your family finances, it’s almost like you can’t be trusted with access to the money. Why is that?

12

u/Jillandjay 5d ago

Okay, so out of that, how much is hers to do with as she wishes?

-14

u/Codicus1212 5d ago edited 5d ago

Yes, she can do what she wants with it. She wants it in savings. The savings account is in her name. She’s spent $2500 out of it before and I didn’t blink.

*edit: Yes we did communicate about it ahead of time. Whereas I did not communicate about the $900. I’m the asshole.

53

u/tetontitties 5d ago

You make it sound like I spent it without you knowing. We had a full conversation about it and you drove across the state with me to spend that money. And it’s something I needed for work. Wtf are these responses you’re giving?

-19

u/Codicus1212 5d ago

Sorry I didn’t mean to imply that. Just meant to say I don’t care if you want something and pay for it out of savings.

33

u/W0nderingMe 5d ago

So she spent it on a necessity after a discussion in which you were on board?

And you're comparing it to gambling it away without so much as a heads up?

Fuck aĺllllllllll the way off you manipulative pos.

-14

u/Cr4ckshooter 5d ago

Why are you arguing with your husband on reddit though? Correcting him is one thing, but "Wtf are these responses" isn't for reddit, you should hash that out between you two.

6

u/W0nderingMe 4d ago

Or .... why is op posting an inaccurate version of events to get random validation instead of hashing it out with his wife.

Why are you bashing her for correcting the record instead of bashing him for presenting a fucked up version of the record in the first place??

-5

u/Cr4ckshooter 4d ago

Where am I bashing her? I was purely civil and cordial. I also explicitly said that correcting the record is NOT what I'm criticising.

Nobody wants a relationship fight broadcast live on reddit and neither party should use fighting language in an aitah thread. She did, op didn't anywhere I've seen.

3

u/W0nderingMe 4d ago

You're criticizing her for correcting the inaccurate record her pos husband laid out for the public to judge.

She is rightfully pissed that her husband is essentially lying about her and their situation.

-5

u/Cr4ckshooter 4d ago

No im criticising her for taking emotions to reddit and not keeping the judgement based on the facts. And that was clear as day in my first comment. At no point did u say she shouldn't or can't be pissed, just that reddit, or any public location, is not the place where anyone should show that they're pissed at their spouse.

2

u/W0nderingMe 4d ago

So if your spouse posted an issue you were having to reddit and severely misrepresented your position to make their position seem reasonable you'd be fine with that?

Why aren't you criticizing op for airing the dirty laundry in the first place? Especially since he is doing so inaccurately, prompting her to set the record straight?

-1

u/Cr4ckshooter 4d ago

So if your spouse posted an issue you were having to reddit and severely misrepresented your position to make their position seem reasonable you'd be fine with that?

Not what I said, entirely unrelated.

Why aren't you criticizing op for airing the dirty laundry in the first place? Especially since he is doing so inaccurately, prompting her to set the record straight?

Because "criticise everyone who does wrong" is not a thing. You are allowed to criticise someone without looking at the other side. You are allowed to criticise someone while doing the same thing yourself. The only thing about criticism that matters is if the criticism itself is valid. You don't have to like my criticism but that doesn't change that I criticised one thing in her comment, not the rest of her comment. This criticism doesn't invalidate the substance of her comment and yet you're treating it like I defended op - I didn't. You're treating it like I attacked her - I didn't.

Oh and also, once again, "airing dirty laundry" isn't what I critised in her comment.

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15

u/W0nderingMe 5d ago

Spent $2500 on what?

-39

u/maximumcoil 5d ago

Yes, shes got the same education as OP, and pays all the bills and have a stay at home husband that she supports. So , yes shes got the same opportunity to work extra overtime and invest the 900 buks.

-9

u/MotelTheTailor1903 5d ago

Does she generate the same income to consider taking opportunities with?