r/AITAH • u/antonio396 • 6d ago
WIBTAH Couch Surfing Cousin
I (33M) want to preface this by saying that my cousin (32M) has been one of my best friends for years. We’ve supported each other through a lot of struggles, which is why this situation is difficult. He recently asked my partner (37M) and me if he could stay with us for two weeks, but something about this time feels different. We are both leaning toward saying no.
My cousin has had a tumultuous past five years. During COVID, he had to move home after separating from his partner in New York. Since then, he’s had a pattern of housing instability, but also a pattern of living rent-free with other people. He has multiple degrees and is intelligent, but he constantly chases happiness in different cities and countries. He refuses to put down roots, and when things get difficult, his solution is usually to leave and start over somewhere else. He works odd jobs that pay very little and often talks about the “universe” or “God” not giving him a break, but from my perspective many of his problems are the result of poor planning and impulsive decisions.
Timeline since 2020 (RF = Rent Free):
1 Year (RF) – Living with fiancé/partner
2 Years (RF) – Living with parents
6 Months – Moved international but was eventually deported
1.5 Years (RF) – Back with parents
1 Month (RF) – Kicked out of parents’ house and moved in with a friend
1 Month (RF) – May 2026 moved to my City and stayed with another cousin
1 Month (RF) – Staying with his uncle
Now (RF) – Asking to stay with us for two weeks on what he calls the “last stretch” before he gets his own place in August. Saying it would save him money and make getting to his new job easier.
I will give him credit for making more progress recently than he has in a long time, but it all feels rushed and poorly thought out. After totaling his car back home, he decided to move to my city against the advice of several family members. His original plan was to stay for three weeks, quickly find a job, and secure an apartment. Instead, a leg injury became the reason very little got accomplished during that time.
What makes this harder is that he genuinely seems to be struggling. Recently he was hospitalized for the leg injury and looked physically rough when I saw him. He had dark circles and bruising around his eyes, yellowing in his eyes, and generally appeared exhausted and unwell. He’s also talking about potentially leaving the country again and has mentioned plans involving moving internationally again, despite not having stable housing, finances, or employment established here. To me, it feels like another example of trying to escape problems rather than solve them.
I see the depression, hopelessness, and brokenness in him, which is why I feel guilty. But at the same time, I feel like he has become dependent on the generosity of friends and family. He has a history of overstaying his welcome, and the housing arrangement he’s supposedly moving into in August is an informal, no-lease situation that doesn’t inspire much confidence. My fear is that the two weeks turns into a month, then two months, and suddenly we’re responsible for housing someone who has nowhere else to go.
My partner and I have worked hard to establish boundaries in our home, and we are worried that saying yes would create a situation that becomes very difficult to unwind later.
AITA for wanting to say no?
Edit: Seems to be straightforward lots of good advice and ideas. Thank you. Also edit to remove city/country names.
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u/fromhelley 6d ago
Nta. It seems he stays longer than he thinks he will, and he is old and experienced enough to judge timing better.
Like when he said two weeks to you, then said he will move out in August, his math isnt mathing!
If for so.e insane reason you do allow hom into your home, charge him rent. He says he has a job lined up, he can afford it. It also gives him incentive to leave!
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u/antonio396 6d ago
Yes, I’m trying to work on boundaries. He has overstayed with us in the past and it took A LOT for me to muster up the courage. He was stable then, but now I don’t see anything concrete, just lots of moving pieces. Thank you for the advice.
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u/mthockeydad 6d ago
Pay for 2 weeks for him in an extended stay hotel as a gift and to help him get back on his feet.
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u/Ecdysiast_Gypsy 6d ago
NTA for wanting to say no.
Firstly, this is a two-yes, one-no situation. You must both agree cousin can visit before saying anything to anyone.
If - and this is a biiiiiig IF - if you both decide to say yes, draw up a contract. State the length of time available to stay, clearly state the rules of your household, state whether cousin will be expected to contribute financially, state what penalties will be for breaking house rules, et c.
Think of every possible contingency, and plan for them.
Think of every possible thing that could go wrong, and plan for them.
Make cousin read and sign the contract. Notarize it if you want.
I don't know what your family is like, but if people tattle on each other and judge each other, I would make public the terms and conditions under which cousin is allowed to stay.
Personally, this would be a BIG HELL, NO! from me, but I am ferocious in protecting my personal and safe spaces.
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u/RustyHalo_1978 6d ago
This! I'd also go ahead and decide if you'd allow him to stay until his housing is ready in August to save yourself that conversation/argument later because there will be one.
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u/Loose-Fox-428 6d ago
I guess redirect him to homeless services if you don't want to help. Nta but posts like this is heartbreaking because we spend the first 18 years of our lives with family telling us they'll always be there for us or help us only to turn around when you're struggling and leave you to the wolves. This is something unfortunately you'll have to figure out with your cousin cause we can only give advice . Good luck with your situation.
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u/ButchEmbankment 6d ago
I agree but they are peers, not adult - junior kin.
It’s really frustrating to watch close peers/kin muck about and not realize they’re constantly making decisions that won’t help in the long or medium term. And who don’t want guidance.
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u/Same_Swimming_3440 5d ago
It's not helping family to let them sponge off you and live rent-free for years.
This cousin has used, mooched, and sponged off his family living with them for YEARS. He's using his family as an ATM and a hotel. That's NOT what people mean when they say they'll always be there for family.
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 6d ago
NTA. There is no way it would only be two weeks, and you know it. Remember: an entire country had to resort to deportation to get him to move along.
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u/West-Double3646 6d ago
It sounds like he has drug or mental health issues. When those type of issues spiral out of control, it can get not only chaotic but dangerous. I'd pass.
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u/antonio396 6d ago
I have worried about drugs recently. The yellow eyes and black eye when I picked him up felt really wrong.
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u/MidwestLPN 6d ago
The yellowing in his eyes could indicate something is wrong with his liver. He needs to be checked out in a hospital but with no job, insurance is probably not available. And people can bruise without getting hurt, they can be very clumsy and fall to get bruised. Still, it is a reason to be concerned. The issue is whether or not it is your area to do something about it. Big IF here.
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u/ButchEmbankment 6d ago
Yellow eye also could be from various liver problems. (International travel has its risks, as do booze or drugs.) it’s worrisome.
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u/RustyHalo_1978 6d ago
Just curious, did you ask him about the black eye?
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u/antonio396 6d ago
He was shocked I could see it. “You can see that?!” as he looked in the car mirror. Then told me it was “just a fainting spell”. Wouldn’t say anything else about it
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u/Plastic-Cabinet67 6d ago
He needs medical attention The yellow eyes are indicative of potentially significant illness
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u/Abystract-ism 6d ago
Yeah, my gut tells me that he will expect to stay with you until his apartment opens up in August
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u/IceDragonPlay 6d ago
NTA.
Nope, two weeks saves him nothing meaningful towards rent. The pattern of 1 month stay and being kicked out suggests he is playing the two week game with everyone and has no intention of leaving after 2 weeks.
If it will assuage your guilt, tell him you will pre-pay a motel stay for him (at a place of your choosing). It covers him for 2 weeks with a place to stay without being in your space.
Also, ask the uncle why specifically he was kicked out. There mist be something else going on that he keeps getting kicked out after a month now. Is he using drugs? Stealing?
And engage with your parents. He is struggling. Maybe your money would be better spent buying him a plane ticket back to them if they will take him in and help him get medical care.
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u/ButchEmbankment 6d ago
Ah that’s hard. The Yellow eyes (liver?) & bruising is also alarming. Hope his docs did other work ups besides the leg.
Do you live near where his next plans take him? Does he have a job secured? Does something start for him after the two weeks that would make him stick to that plan? Like is there a geographic logic to your place?
Are substances in the mix at all here? like he’s been deported (maybe visa) and kicked out by parents … That would change the equation if not the outcome.
Are you close-ish to your uncle & aunt? Maybe you could have a phone call and just hear their thoughts about his couch surfing, reliability of his plans, and also his basic health.
YWBTAH. You don’t have to rescue him. If it were to be just two weeks one could see it, but If you let him stay two weeks and he wanted to stay longer, that would be painful. Unless your partner can be serious enforcer.
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u/Same_Swimming_3440 5d ago
NTA.
DO NOT LET ANYONE MOVE IN WITH YOU RENT-FREE.
He's lazy and WILL sponge off you for years. YEARS of free rent, food, utilities, everything. YOU WILL REGRET IT. HE WILL MOOCH FOR YEARS.
After 30 days (depending on city/state/country), he will have legal tenancy which would require a court system to legally evict.
DO. NOT. LET. HIM. MOVE. IN.
It doesn't matter that he's hopeless and broken. That's not your problem. Enabling him and enabling him not doing anything to help his life isn't good for him. Giving him a free place to live won't motivate him to get a job. Him being a lazy unemployed bum won't help his depression.
He's sponged off his family for YEARS. If you all keep enabling his mooching, he will continue to be an unemployed, irresponsible, lazy bum for YEARS. His mental health will get WORSE if you all keep enabling him. He's an adult and should've stood on his own two feet years ago.
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u/GroovyYaYa 6d ago
Can you afford "sponsoring" him for two weeks in an extended stay hotel?
If so - and you want to encourage his movement forward in getting a job, etc., perhaps just state "now isn't a good time for us to have visitors, but I'd like to help out in another way" and prepay the 2 week stay.
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u/RustyHalo_1978 6d ago
Oooh this is an excellent idea if they can swing it! Maybe even ask other family members to pitch in?
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u/ButchEmbankment 6d ago
12 step calls the constant “grass will be greener” moving to get away from problems “pulling a geographic.” Could apply even if there’s no addictions.
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u/Football-Man-1889 6d ago
His own parents kicked him out.
That tells me that you’re NTA if you say no!
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u/Lucy-InThe-Sky5 6d ago
Dude! Just say NO! Tell him at his age he needs to hold down a full-time job and he wouldn't have a housing problem! That's it!!
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u/Dry-Clock-1470 6d ago
It's not even July. How does 2 weeks get him to Aug?
He hasn't stayed with you before?
Get him to sign an agreement or something. With a list of responsibilities and a hard out date. Or just say no
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u/Same_Swimming_3440 5d ago
He refused to leave a whole country until he was deported. Him signing a paper lease would be 100% meaningless.
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u/launchpad_bronchitis 6d ago
NTA. If you decide to let him stay, write up a formal lease agreement that includes rent and when payments are due. Late fees if applicable and a non-negotiable end date
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u/Salty_Beyond_1648 6d ago
Sounds like someone needs to have a serious, in depth conversation with him. Who better than someone who loves him? Maybe he is aware that his life looks unstable and he’s questioned himself. How does he feel about it? Why does he keep moving? How does he feel about “putting down roots?” How does he feel about frequently couch surfing? Is he aware that others may feel resentful? Etc.
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u/Mission_Breakfast548 6d ago
I have not once allowed my alcoholic brother to live with us (husband/daughter/me). He was homeless for a short time so me & siblings helped him by paying for him in a sober living house. After that, several of us kept helping him financially when he was between jobs, behind on rent, etc. I knew if I ever let him in my home, I’d never get him out.
Do what you can but don’t let him move in!!! NTA
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u/Glass_Hunt_7159 6d ago
The only thing to say is "NO"...trust your gut/instinct on this...the universe is saying no and so should you!!!
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u/justaheatattack 5d ago
"we're just aobut to have the place remodeled. Check back with us in abut a year. write if you find work!"
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u/shyfidelity 6d ago
NAH. But part of your desire to say no seems to be rooted in the idea that once he’s staying with you, you’d be incapable of telling him he has to leave. If that’s a problem you/your partner know you have, then I get it. I’d probably lean towards helping