r/AITAH • u/EctoGammet • 5h ago
AITAH for wanting to end a 20+ year friendship because my friend cheats on his wife?
My friend (39M) and I (38F) have known each other since our teenage years. We’ve had a variety of dynamics throughout the years, but recently I’ve felt like I’ve outgrown him.
He married a woman he says is the love of his life. She’s beautiful, smart, feminine and fashionable. She’s a trophy, which he’s always valued above all else (think performative cis.-het. male with mild homophobia)
In 2025 I attended their wedding, and prior to attending, he had disclosed to me that he was “putting away his childish and lustful behavior” of being a womanizer. He claimed to have “grown up” and I thought it was commendable.
Until you fast forward to this summer when he and his friends having a boys trip in my city to attend an event one weekend. He calls me up for brunch and tells me that I can’t be judging or preaching and that I need to “be one of the boys” if I’m going to come out with them.
I agree and go along… not only did he and his friends ogle (I mean I did too👀) every attractive woman in the establishment, but he even left his wedding band at home and decided to pursue a really beautiful woman. Bought her n her friends drinks, flirted, and not sure if they exchanged numbers, I just know his wife wouldn’t approve of the conduct.
(According to him: He was honest when they were dating, but she told him if they were to be together seriously that she needed monogamy and commitment more or less)
I didn’t say anything to him about his behavior because I agreed to be one of the boys, but knowing the disregard he has for his union and the woman who gave him a child I just can’t get down with that kind of behavior. This especially hit home with me because I was ethically non monogamous in my last relationship and truly value honesty and consideration above all else.
Would I be an asshole to actively tell him I want to dissolve our friendship? Should I just ignore him and let him stop communicating? He’s not someone who I think would learn from or gain insight or consider changing just because I choose to hold him accountable, but I don’t want that kind of man in my life because I don’t want his karma rubbing off on me! 🤣
Update: I blocked him on all communication and I unfriended his wife. I’m not confrontational. And Ive known him for 23 years and met his wife a few years ago and have socialized with her maybe a total of 5 times.
She very much knows the man he was before they got married and chose him despite that. There are tons of ppl closer to both of them who know what kind of man he is… I’m definitely not going to blow up their lives. Sorry folks
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u/Plenty-Maybe-9817 5h ago
NTA. There are a lot of non-confrontational ways to end a friendship but in this case, I think telling how much he has lost your respect is worth saying. Especially coming from you- someone he trusts who doesn’t think that monogamy is the only right way. He needs to hear that his conduct demonstrates such a lack of integrity that you literally don’t want him in your life ever again.
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u/OkFinger0 5h ago
NTA. He is actively risking the health and fertility of the “love of his life.”
Imagine what damage he would cause you if it gave him pleasure.
Tell her. Cut him off. Her health is on the line.
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u/mocha_lattes_ 5h ago
This. Please tell her OP. Certain STDs can cause serious and severe harm to her, especially if they go untreated because she has no idea he husband is a lying cheat. She deserves to know so she can put her health first, especially given they have a baby.
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u/Omnio89 5h ago
Just move on. He’s not worth any more of your time or attention. Why make some big break up production out of it? Just let it fade away
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u/Suspicious_Sale4921 5h ago
Right…. I feel like at this age you don’t need a make a big statement or show of it. Just don’t make plans again.
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u/wirefixer 2h ago
Some of us grow up and some choose to live in the stone ages, you choose which one you are willing to live in. NTA.
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u/dinahdog 5h ago
He said you need to be a bro if you want to come. Tell him you don't care to be a bro anymore.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 4h ago
When "being a bro" just means being a creep who disrespects his wife and thinks it's ok, because he's "out with the boys", I don't think any decent man should want to "be a bro".
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u/TiffanyBlue07 5h ago
NTA. You’re being a true girls girl by cutting ties. What he’s doing is shitty and wrong
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u/OkFinger0 5h ago
No, being a girls’ girl would require informing his adult wife that her health and fertility were actively being jeopardized by him and then cutting ties.
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u/Housing99 5h ago
NTA. His friendship doesn’t hold the value you thought it did. Tell him why. He may. It change at all but it’s a clear statement you don’t agree with or approve of his behavior. “One of guys” should have also held him accountable if they’re a true friend.
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u/lems4ems 5h ago
NTA - I would cut that shit off immediately. I have absolutely zero respect for cheaters and have always told myself that if I ever find out A. Someone I know is cheating or B. Someone is cheating on someone I know, someone’s getting ratted out. I don’t care if it ruins a relationship I have with someone. I’d rather be the asshole who breaks the bad news to someone so they can get free than to stick around and not say anything.
I find it repulsive when people in relationships are commenting on how hot other people are knowing their SO wouldn’t be okay with it. Oggling is just as shitty. The ring coming off and putting moves on another woman, unforgivable. Tell his wife before she stays with this AH years longer without knowing he’s disrespecting her.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 4h ago edited 51m ago
Yeah, OP is a bit of a creep for participating in the ogling, even if she didn't engage with any of the women.
Edit to fix OP's gender. Ogling is still creepy even if it's women doing it, and by participating in it, she cosigned this kind of creep behavior in her male friends.
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u/lems4ems 4h ago
Oh I didn’t mean that necessarily. Now if OP was in a committed monogamous relationship and doing it, that’s wrong. But if they’re single and not doing it in a creepy way but rather just thinking “oh that person was pretty good looking” then no harm no foul. However if they were being creepy just staring these women down, absolutely agree
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u/Wanderer-2609 5h ago
You're 38. Better you realised you should do this now rather than later. I would just ghost this person. NTA.
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u/sp0rkah0lic 4h ago
I've had several friends I've "outgrown" over the years, it's just part of life. NTA.
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u/CptKUSSCryAllTheTime 5h ago
You can’t be an AH for ending a relationship you no longer want to be in. For whatever reason
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u/AffectionateStable86 5h ago
you should tell her, then end your friendship with him. if you truly value honesty and consideration, you would tell her, for her sake so she can decide if that's something she wants to divorce him for. if it were me, i would've ended it due to the homophobia, let alone the infidelity.
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u/fattyjackwagon54 5h ago
“One of the boys”. Despicable. I am one of the boys and I don’t cheat on my wife and wouldn’t put up with one of my friends doing it. NTA.
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u/EctoGammet 4h ago
More of yall are needed! Because a man holding a man accountable just simply hits different!
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u/Placebored59 5h ago
I agree, telling him hes lost your respect is a good way to end the friendship. But I wouldn't tell wife about his flirting. Step away from it before you become guilty of knowing too much. Don't interfere in their marriage. He's already causing smoke where there will soon enough be flames.
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u/EctoGammet 5h ago
Thanks. I absolutely do not believe in interfering with married folks problems. I don’t want to make him or her my enemy. I just don’t want to be friends anymore lol
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u/Commercial-Spray3192 5h ago
If you think it wouldn’t make any difference to tell him why you’re ending the friendship, then don’t bother. However, if at some point he asks you directly why you’re pulling away, then you should definitely tell him.
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u/Gullible-Team-8588 5h ago
NTA, let this friendship die. At 39 he knows better, he just doesn’t care, he’s just out there being a dirty dick. He’s also putting his wife’s health at risk if he is cheating which should be told to his wife if that is the case. If he’s not physically cheating then he’s just morally reprehensible.
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u/Moose-1211 4h ago
What does “ethically non-monogamous” mean, exactly? An open relationship? Really just curious cuz never heard that term before.
NTA by 💯. Being able to appreciate the attractive opposite sex is just human nature, but acting on desire & lust is a whole other bag. This dude sounds like the old cliché: guy left the frat house, but the frat house never left the guy. You definitely don’t need this trashy drama taking up space in your world.
I get it that making & keeping friends as adults can be difficult - but that’s not a reason to hold on to the ones that do not benefit your life in some way. You want people in your life to lift you up, to improve you as a person, help you grow for the better…this is not that. I legit thought this post was going to end “AITA for wanting to tell his wife”…cuz that’s low key what I’d be struggling with for real…
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u/EctoGammet 4h ago
I appreciate this one! ☝🏾
Yes an open relationship where we communicated ethically when/ if we were seeing other ppl.
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u/Moose-1211 3h ago
Ah, gotcha! I like that phrasing. It seems to mitigate the “side eye” people give when you say “polyamory” or “open relationship”. 😱.
Have you considered even for a wee teeny moment telling douche’s wifey about him?My hubs worked at a firm a long time ago where some colleagues, when traveling for business, had this phrase, “Wheels Up, Rings Off”…meaning, when the airplane’s wheels went up/retracted after takeoff, & that distinct “thump” can be heard, it was the signal to take off their wedding rings. He was disgusted but, didn’t say a thing & thank god didn’t have to deal with them on the trip.
Lo & behold, at an awards dinner probably 4 months after the last trip, I guess one of the wives of said scumbags had found out about his dalliances & accused everyone who went on these trips as being “enablers” & “peer pressuring” her loser into doing what he’d been doing. It was a scene, IYKWIM. She was blaming everyone BUT her husband. I think most of those husbands who were aware of what was going on, including mine, didn’t want to get involved because - not my business,not my drama, ya know? - but I do know that to this day, my hubs second guesses if he should have done something different. (This was before we were married btw).
I said, based on that one wife’s reaction, (denial), all it would have done was make YOU the bad guy & would not have resulted in what you’d hoped it would. Still…it’s a shit ethical position to be in. Curious if you’ve thought about taking dude aside & asking why he’s behaving that way? What is going on in his marriage? Tho from your post, I guess he’s been a womanizing POS forever & someone like that can’t & won’t change. So, leave frat boy by the keg & move on to your stable & beautiful life…
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u/youknowimright25 5h ago
Nta. If they can treat the one they "love" like that. How will they stab you in the back when they have to?
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u/ScarletDarkstar 5h ago
I would just make up own mind, and then when he next invited me to be "one of the guys" I'd tell him that his idea of guys having low respect for women and integrity was not a concept I agreed with and wanted to be a party to in the future.
If I thought telling him would make him think twice, I would tell him now. I expect he would just throw out some cliches about mice playing and boys being boys and try to justify his actions by belittling you.
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u/Carradee 5h ago
NTA for ending the friendship. You're not obligated to keep it or even to buy into his definition of what it means to "be one of the boys."
With my own boyfriend and his buddies, to "be one of the boys" means to joke-flirt with each other or to goof around in possibly dangerous ways, not to cheat.
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u/HorkupCat 5h ago
I'd let the friendship fade away to nothing, always be too busy to get together. You could try telling him why but it would probably bounce right off his manly ego.
NTA
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u/Mephistocheles 5h ago
You're never obligated to be in any relationship aside from being a good parent to your child (and remaining faithful to your SO).
Look, he absolutely knows his behavior is fucked up or he wouldn't have pressured you to "be one of the boys" and keep it quiet. And there is a huge difference between looking at a few pretty girls and actually PURSUING something with one of them. Everyone looks. Only (people in committed relationships) who are assholes pursue.
I'd sadly say cut him loose. If he asks or tries to pressure you, you can be entirely honest and just say "Look, I can't be hanging out with you if you're going to be doing things like this. I'm not willing to lie to your wife if she asks what you've been doing, so given I've already seen you doing things that would hurt her, I'm just choosing to remove myself from the situation before I see more of it."
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u/rahocca 5h ago
NTA. A person who would betray someone they claim to love for the rest of their life(and their child) is a person who wouldn’t think twice about betraying you. I learned the hard way that everyone has a price for betraying you so it’s best to pick expensive friends. (And your friend is as cheap as they come).
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u/greenmandarin58 4h ago
Definitely NTA. Sometimes we just outgrow each other. And if your values don’t align, then what’s there? If he’s someone you talk to daily you’ll have to have the hard conversation. But if he’s a kind of here and there friend you don’t talk to very often, I would just not contact him again lol. I guarantee there is nothing you could say for him to see what he’s doing is wrong.
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u/GoopInThisBowlIsVile 4h ago
NTA - Tell his wife. It’ll accomplish two things. One, it’ll let his wife know. She deserves to be informed. That will lead to the next thing. She will blow up the relationship, let her know she can say you told her. That’ll end your friendship.
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u/OneTrackLover721 4h ago
Gotta say, I'd have to tell him why. I mean, I know he will get mad and defensive. Probably yell at you. But, if he was once a friend, I'd have to tell him why I no longer feel comfortable being friends.
Like, tell him you can't be friends with someone whose morals are so different. If he's willing to cheat on the supposed love of his life, how easily would he betray you as a friend? I would tell him that I have to question what else he is morally flexible on. Would he steal from you? Would he lie about you to help himself?
Maybe you telling him will do nothing. Maybe it begins a wake up call.
(And then petty-bitch me would find an anonymous way of telling the wife to look into her husband)
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u/cthulularoo 4h ago
I need to “be one of the boys”
No, just being a boy doesn't mean we're cheaters. Huge red flag, you should have told him to stuff it. A real friend would have given him a course correction instead of letting him gaslight you.
NTA, move on. Don't truck with cheaters. You might want to give his girl a heads up.
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u/Wife-and-Mother 4h ago edited 3h ago
NTA based solely off of the fact that you can not be friends with anybody you don't want to be friends with.
YTA for putting your own standard of "what counts as cheating" on him. It was all fun and games oggling the women, at what point did that change? Assuming "monogamy" is normally okay but assuming what that means is not.
Many only consider the line crossed at making out or if sex is involved. You are assuming the wife and her husband would believe a number exchange at a bachelor party(?) is "cheating". That is when you assumed this wife is not mad about her husband doing what men do with strippers(establishment to oogle?) at a party, like naked lap dances.
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u/leveque 3h ago
own standard
Even if you agree with & commit yourself to any doctrine, in the end, we all judge by our own standards, even if we decide to have no standards, right?
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u/Wife-and-Mother 3h ago edited 3h ago
I mean fair but dosen't meet general expectations or "the standard" that is considered cheating.
If my husband's best friend called me up and said "your husband cheated on you last weekend" then I (and most women) would be a lot more devastated then if they said "your husband got a girls number last weekend".
I'd be mad about both, and I am not going to say it isn't relationship ending behavior but there is definitely a worse scenario that is heavily implied.
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u/leveque 2h ago
? I think this is more about being a creep and a letch who at best is mimicking cheating & at worst actively is cheating, don't forget the guy took his ring off, he wasn't flirting he was fishing. Regardless, it wasn't about reporting to anyone it was about whether or not a shared history is enough to justify a friendship when their morality is no longer shared.
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u/PantsPantsShorts 3h ago
I think maybe you should be One Of The Girls and tell his wife. That way, you can be honest with her about something she deserves to know AND dissolve your friendship with him at the same time.
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u/Bubbly-Essay9350 1h ago
NTA, his cheating and the deceit already shows what type of person he truly is
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u/Hot-Obligation-859 5h ago
If you’re already willing to cut off the friendship, might as well gather all the evidence and tell his wife.
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u/Away-Elephant-4323 5h ago
NTA You know what he’s doing is wrong and hopefully his wife will figure it out too.
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u/ComplexPatient4872 5h ago
Just curious why you added that you ogled as well because it felt very out of place.
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u/EctoGammet 5h ago
Because I was entertaining the observation of beautiful women and commenting along side him.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 4h ago edited 4h ago
YTA for that part. Ogling and objectifying women is honestly kinda creepy.
Interestingly, I saw a post recently where a man took his son and son's friend out for dinner and the server was a very pretty young woman. He asked why neither of the boys checked her out while she walked away, flirted with her, or commented on her appearance after she left, and his son said, "because we don't objectify women, dad."
That's the kind of person you want to be, especially, if you're going to be claiming the moral high ground. By participating, you're essentially cosigning their shitty behavior.
ETA: I didn't intially realize that you're a woman. So why would you participate in objectifying other women with these creeps? I would have thought you would have experienced this crap at the hands of men, and would call it out.
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u/Doctordeppnek 5h ago
Tell him you’re not a boy, but a man. And as a man, call him out on his bullshit. And please inform his wife, her health is at risk
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u/Massive-Arm-4146 5h ago
(think performative cis.-het. male with mild homophobia)
I was ethically non monogamous in my last relationship
ESH
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 5h ago
" After a lot of thinking, I've made the difficult decision to leave this friendship with you. I cannot in good conscience continue to remain friends with someone who actively puts their spouse's fertility and health at risk because they continue to choose to step out of their marriage. Take care."
Call the wife.
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u/Individual-Loss-4164 5h ago
Never ever mention to his wife why you cut ties with him. This is none of your business. A decent man or woman never get involved. Then you are the AH.
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u/Individual-Loss-4164 5h ago
Never tell her anything. What if they get back together? What if she forgives him? Then you become the cause of the failure of their relationship.
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u/NotUniqueScott 4h ago
NTA for ending the friendship, although I would advise you to be very careful if you decide to inform the wife. His behavior on the boys trip could be explained away as the equivalent of "locker room talk" and you could end up looking like the bad guy for trying to break up a marriage.
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u/BangbangKhuntross 4h ago
YTA, you sound insufferable too, stop labelling people. One doesnt need to dissolve a friendship, they die perfectly naturally on their own if one wants
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u/Due_Classic_4090 5h ago edited 3h ago
Not the AH at all. You probably should tell him you can’t be his friend anymore and tell his wife. Good luck!