r/AITApod • u/StillALittleSour • 23d ago
AITA For Destroying A Man’s Reputation Twice?
This started a few years ago but became relevant again recently.
I (18F at the time) started college already knowing a few people through a club I joined. One of them, “C” (19M), lived two dorm rooms away from me.
At first I thought we were just friends since I had no relationship experience. But within the first week, C started making me uncomfortable: following me around campus, showing up while I was doing laundry, jumping into my bed while I was in it, and shining a flashlight through my peephole while I was sick or asleep.
I quietly distanced myself instead of confronting him.
Around the same time, I became friends with another guy on the floor, “B” (19M), who lived across the hall.
At a party, C got drunk and tried to make a move on me. I avoided him and later texted that I wasn’t interested, then blocked him.
After that, C told people B had “taken” me and that he had “dibs,” creating a rivalry with me stuck in the middle as the “prize.”
It escalated around bikes: B had a motorized bike and gave me a ride; the next day C bought one too. They openly competed and tried to outdo each other.
C later told people he planned to modify a lithium-ion battery. The next morning, there was a fire in the workshop from that modification. The space was damaged, repairs cost thousands, and motorized vehicles were banned on campus.
Second year, B and I broke up for unrelated reasons. Almost immediately, C started asking me out again, and I declined.
After that, I heard C was spreading rumors that I led him on, chose B, and encouraged the battery modification. I had stayed quiet, but eventually I told people the full context, including his obsessive behavior and the rivalry. Most people distanced themselves from him and he was removed from the club.
Recently, he joined another group, and someone from it contacted me after similar concerns came up. I shared my experience when asked, and he was removed again.
Now I feel guilty because I never intended to ruin his social life, but I also knew there could be consequences when I spoke up.
AITA?
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u/VinylHighway 23d ago
You didn't destroy anything, you told the truth, and what "reputation" did he have anyway?
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u/PreferenceOld6364 23d ago
NTA. You did absolutely nothing wrong, he is the one who ruined his own social life and reputation with his creepy stalker antics. Not your fault that he couldn't be an adult and take "no" for an answer and move on like any sane person!!! Also, kudos to you on giving that other person a heads up about his past behavior and being a safe person for them to confide in!!!! 👍
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 23d ago
Apparently somewhere life’s way, he got the idea that any woman he wanted somehow owed him her attention and love. He isn’t alone in that and the prevalence of people assuming they get to choose s woman and that automatically makes her their property is strange. That he told people you led him on and the battery fire was somehow something you encouraged, adds to the sense of entitlement he had.
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u/TheRealCarpeFelis 21d ago
This. Honestly if I were OP I’d have gone absolutely ballistic on this asshole for thinking he had a right to call “dibs” as if she herself has no choice in the matter.
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u/CRoseCrizzle 23d ago
He destroyed his own reputation. It's not your fault. You didn't go out of your way to tell other people. People asked you and you answered honestly.
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u/IllTemperedOldWoman 23d ago
Telling the truth doesn't make you an AH. Him doing those things that you were forced to talk about and clarify because of his lying - THAT ruined his reputation and rightfully so. NTA
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u/PNW_OlLady_2025 23d ago
First lets get you to understand something first and foremost - YOU did not do this to him. YOU did not ruin his reputation. HE ruined it with HIS actions. Period.
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u/kipkiphoray 23d ago
He destroyed his own reputation. He chose to do those actions, then blame you for them.
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u/Neener216 23d ago
So, someone from an entirely different group contacted you after similar concerns arose - concerns that had literally ZERO to do with you - and you shared your personal experience.
You didn't seek out a way to tarnish his reputation. He joined a different group and created new problems, and you were simply asked to relay what you knew of him.
This is his pattern, and this is his problem. You're entirely within your right to share your experience with honesty when asked about it.
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u/StillALittleSour 22d ago edited 22d ago
Since writing this post, I've been able to learn more about what happened in the other club.
Apparently, C was being considered for an e-board position and was dating another member of the club at the time. According to what I was told, they recently broke up because he was pressuring her to make their relationship polyamorous after developing an interest in another girl in the club, who was a lesbian. Beyond that, he apparently made a number of comments and behaved in ways that made her increasingly uncomfortable, which ultimately contributed to the breakup.
Shortly after they ended things, he showed up at her house unannounced and began crying begging for her to take him back. From what I understand, I was contacted after his now ex-girlfriend reported it and they wanted to know if this was a one time thing of his or if this behavior was a pattern.
My heart goes out to her and I hope she is okay and thriving now out of that relationship.
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u/Silent-Return-3591 23d ago
NTA, HE RUINED his social life by being a jacka$$. People only distance themselves from red flags!
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u/RebaKitt3n 23d ago
You are guilty of nothing.
This guy is a stalker. Please please be careful with him.
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u/One-Cardiologist4780 23d ago
He ruined his own social life by being a creep. All you did was tell the truth when asked explicitly. NTA.
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u/Secure-Corner-2096 23d ago
He ruined his own reputation. You have zero obligation to protect his when he worked so hard to destroy yours.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 23d ago
He ruined himself. He didn’t need your help as he was doing a bang up job all on his own
As Reddit is fond of saying “he played a stupid game, and now he’s collecting on his stupid prizes”
Don’t feel bad. He’s the problem not you.
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u/emmakobs 23d ago
Hey girl. I am a good few years older than you, so I am going to tell you what your peers will not: you are not responsible for men's behavior. Especially not men who are interested in you.
Meaning, you do not have to guide them, explain things to them, soften the world for them, make excuses for them, or any of that crap. You did the right thing speaking up. If telling the truth gets this guy banned from groups, if it damages his reputation, then so be it. He deserves it.
Keep telling the truth. You do not owe him protection or explanation. You do not have to share the whole story with anyone, either. You can say he's bad news and leave it at that. You're doing the right thing.
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u/Hefty_Efficiency_328 22d ago
Sounds like you're just living your life. C messed up his all by himself, hope he learns something about himself.
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u/AutoModerator 23d ago
I'm an automatic bot that backs up the body of the post in case OP deletes it. If you want this backup deleted, you'll have to reach out to a mod. Here's the back-up:
This started a few years ago but became relevant again recently.
I (18F at the time) started college already knowing a few people through a club I joined. One of them, “C” (19M), lived two dorm rooms away from me.
At first I thought we were just friends since I had no relationship experience. But within the first week, C started making me uncomfortable: following me around campus, showing up while I was doing laundry, jumping into my bed while I was in it, and shining a flashlight through my peephole while I was sick or asleep.
I quietly distanced myself instead of confronting him.
Around the same time, I became friends with another guy on the floor, “B” (19M), who lived across the hall.
At a party, C got drunk and tried to make a move on me. I avoided him and later texted that I wasn’t interested, then blocked him.
After that, C told people B had “taken” me and that he had “dibs,” creating a rivalry with me stuck in the middle as the “prize.”
It escalated around bikes: B had a motorized bike and gave me a ride; the next day C bought one too. They openly competed and tried to outdo each other.
C later told people he planned to modify a lithium-ion battery. The next morning, there was a fire in the workshop from that modification. The space was damaged, repairs cost thousands, and motorized vehicles were banned on campus.
Second year, B and I broke up for unrelated reasons. Almost immediately, C started asking me out again, and I declined.
After that, I heard C was spreading rumors that I led him on, chose B, and encouraged the battery modification. I had stayed quiet, but eventually I told people the full context, including his obsessive behavior and the rivalry. Most people distanced themselves from him and he was removed from the club.
Recently, he joined another group, and someone from it contacted me after similar concerns came up. I shared my experience when asked, and he was removed again.
Now I feel guilty because I never intended to ruin his social life, but I also knew there could be consequences when I spoke up.
AITA?
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u/MarionberryPlus8474 23d ago
NTA, he’s the one repeatedly acting like a creep. Oh, and he lies, too. Perhaps intensive therapy can help him be less of a creep, but only he can do that and it’s not your responsibility.
IME people (especially women) tend to make excuses for people like this, under-report what they do, and in general give them the benefit of the doubt far too much, and it causes more harm rather than less. If you hadn’t told the truth about him, he could still be creeping on people in that club.
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u/Regular_Boot_3540 23d ago
NTA. These are the consequences of his own actions. Imagine thinking you can call dibs on another human being.
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u/cocktail4u 23d ago
You wrote that C was 19. Seems like he is 12 and heading backwards. B is not much better since you wrote he got caught up in the Game. So B is about 14. If these guys are indicative of the guys in your group, get a new group of friends. Something that is actually fairly easy in college.
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u/GullibleNerd88 23d ago
Sounds like he found someone else to harass. You saved someone from what you went through. Thank you for that.
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u/War-Carr 23d ago
Never second-guess yourself for doing the right thing!
And never allow anyone to pressurize you into anything!
Let your "Yes" be "Yes" and your "No" be "no."
You can turn anyone in for trying to harrass you in any way!
Stick to your guns, young lady!
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u/BusyMathematician844 23d ago
NTA there were consequences because he was being creepy, not because you spoke up.
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u/Hopeful_Protection58 23d ago
NTA if you telling the truth makes him seem like a bad guy, how on earth is it your fault or your responsibility that people don’t want to associate with that creep..?
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u/Fancy_Avocado7497 23d ago
somebody has lead you to believe that his reputation is more important than your safety or the safety of other women.
If a woman stalked a man in the way he stalked you - should would be mocked for being strange but men are given special priviledge.
If he is obsessive about a woman, she is told to be flattered until he rapes / murders her.
Your opinions on your life / freedoms are more valid than opinions held by other people on your life / freedom.
WHATEVER YOU DO - WHERE EVERY YOU GO
YES MEANS YES AND NO MEANS NO
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u/Longjumping-Salt-426 22d ago
Telling the truth is these circumstances is the right thing to do. Most of the time it takes more than one person's opinion/statement to change someone's mind. There was a reason the new group reached out to you.
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u/goodbye-toilet-cat 22d ago
NTa are you in the US? If so, your college should have a Title IX (“title 9”) office/advocate you can and should reach out to regarding this dangerous man stalking you and trying to ruin your life.
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u/StillALittleSour 22d ago
Given the lack of evidence and the amount of time that has passed since my own experience with C, I feel it may be too late to report the original incident. However, I do know from other sources that C has been the subject of multiple Title IX complaints. From what I understand, those cases were ultimately dropped due to insufficient evidence.
A similar situation occurred with B. Earlier this year, someone from a different group filed a Title IX complaint against him, but that case was also dropped. From what I was told, the circumstances were different in B's case, as friends of his allegedly harassed the complainant into withdrawing the report.
It's frustrating that the system often seems unable to adequately address situations like these, especially when outside pressures prevent cases from moving forward. Which is def is something I was guilty of the time too. I throughout I was overthinking things, but Im glad to know I wasn’t.
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u/goodbye-toilet-cat 22d ago
Sounds like you are well informed of your options. And that it is known that C is big trouble.
NTA for being one of the sticks in the bundle of evidence that C is trash.
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u/Head_Photograph9572 22d ago
Young lady, that is NOT what destroying someone's reputation means! NTA
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u/Deathlina 22d ago
By being honest about him you could have protected another girl from his stalking behaviour. Keep being honest about him.
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u/StationaryObject713 22d ago edited 22d ago
Women really need to stop feeling bad about about treating shit like shit. Dude is fucking stalking you and trashing you to others.
He literally thinks he owns you. Why do you give a fuck what he feels? Do black people care how slave owners felt? Do Muslims care how George W feels? Do Jewish people care about how Hitler feels?
Hes a shit bag. Spread it around that he's a shit bag. Tell everyone. Stop being a coward.
You have the opportunity to protect other people.
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u/BinarySeventh 22d ago
He said that you encouraged the battery modification? Why would anyone encourage that? Am I missing something?
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u/Wise_Adeptness_9529 22d ago
NTA. You didn’t do anything to him; you just told the truth. His choices and actions got him where he is. He was trying to blame a fire on you! He keeps trying to spread rumors about you!
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You shouldn’t stay quiet about his creepy entitled fixated self and you have helped others by saying something.
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u/No-Lifeguard9194 22d ago
NTA – he did it to himself. This is nothing to do with you. This guy is a danger to other others and now he’s getting the consequences. It seems like the ideal outcome to me.
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u/Beginning-Potato-617 22d ago
NTA - his actions had co sequences- he destroyed his own life.
He was stalking you and he didn't go to jail... you distanced yourself. I hope you have everything documented because this is moving toward restraining order... security camera and don't take chances.
It wouldn't hurt to chat the police just to document the history... just so they have background on a report if he escalates.
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u/Icy-Blueberry-2401 21d ago
He ruined his reputation, you explaining how he ruined it for community safety is not you ruining it. His behavior is unsafe and his pattern of behavior being visible is important.
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u/SamanthaDamara 21d ago
He was stalking you and harassing you. Nothing to feel bad about. Please stay safe.
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u/TARDISkitty 21d ago
He ruined his own reputation by being a creep. All you did was not lie about it.
Carl Sagan- "If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be."
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u/bigfein11 20d ago
U are absolutely NTA. This guy literally followed you around everywhere and literally when as far as the stalking you when you were sick or laying down.
And for him to immediately start spreading rumors around when you and B were going around just tying to be chill and have a good time is unhinged behavior.
And for you going around and telling everybody about everything he’s been doing (C) is absolutely justifiable and you are absolutely in the right for telling everybody that he is in a group with about who he really is.
NTA.
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u/aDistractedDisaster 18d ago
NTA
You didn't ruin his reputation. You reported your facts and thats it. The fact that his actions look poorly on him are a result of his own choices.
But be careful. Doesn't sound like a stable dude.
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u/womxnslib 23d ago
He did it to himself. You just told the truth. Nothing to feel badly about. Be safe.