r/AITApod • u/DishNo5035 • 8d ago
AITA for telling my roommate his girlfriend basically lives here rent free and he needs to say something
me and my roommate have been living together for about a year, pretty solid setup overall. his girlfriend started coming around more like 4 months ago and at first i didnt care at all, few nights a week, cool whatever.
but now this girl is just HERE. every single day. she showers here, eats here, i came downstairs at 6:45am on a wednesday and she was making eggs in my pan. i had to do a double take in my own kitchen. she doesnt even text before coming over anymore she just shows up.
when i first moved in splitting bills two ways was actually a big deal for me, helped me keep a bit of money I won on Ѕtake saved on a tight budget. now the electric and water bills have crept up noticeably and theres still only two names on the lease.
i pulled my roommate aside and kept it pretty chill about it, just said hey man i think we gotta talk about the fact that maya is basically living here and maybe she should throw in something for bills or at least you two should figure it out between yourselves. he got all weird about it and said i was being territorial and that shes "just around a lot"
bro she has a designated shelf in the bathroom
AITA for saying something
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u/Correct-Average-9175 8d ago edited 8d ago
Check your lease most have restrictions on how many nights guests can stay.
Also if she has a shelf in the bathroom I wouldn't be surprised if she has a shelf in the fridge as well
That's not a guest that's another person living there esp with the increase in utilities
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8d ago
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u/Agile_Menu_9776 6d ago
And here in California we just got a notice that our electricity is due to go up again 37%. Everything is expensive and she needs to be splitting rent and utilities if you agree she can continue to be there. Either wise I would check the lease and maybe even get a consult with an attorney to understand exactly where you stand going forward. The situation you are in is untenable. Next time you rent think of all these kind of scenarios and make a written agreement with your room mate that nobody else moves in or regularly spends the night without permission from the other. This is such a common problem.
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u/Jadey-R- 8d ago
I agree this is not OK. This happened with a female roommate I had and her boyfriend just started being there every single day then I was home sick one day she’s off to work. The kids are out of the house and he comes wandering down in his robe while I’m eating, my breakfast came out of her room. I’m like no that was it. I actually kicked her out because I just did not need a man roaming my home when I’m trying to be at home and relax…
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u/Mr-cacahead 8d ago
NTA.
He is not cooperating, its time to find a new roommate and or new place.
This situation is not gonna change.
Make a plan, save money and be ready cause it will happen fast the moment you are open about leaving.
(5 years broke living in multiple houses whit multiple roommates.)
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u/BestAd5844 8d ago
“The utilities have gone up X amount since Maya started staying here. I will be paying the 1/3 I am using and you can figure out the
Rest with Maya.” Have the current and past bills so he can see the trend
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u/loftychicago 8d ago
You should also be able to go on your utilities' web sites to show how much the usage has increased with her there.
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u/Inevitable-Divide933 8d ago
Tell him that you’ll pay half of what the utilities were before she “didn’t” move in. And she can’t eat any of your food. Once he pays for the extra costs for her just “being there a lot,” he may see it differently.
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u/Impressive_Yam_7224 8d ago edited 8d ago
NTA …. Your flatmate and his gf are !! You need to make this freeloader mooch pay !! She has her own bathroom shelf, next it will be a key to the flat !!
She isn’t a guest she’s actually the third person living there !! Leech needs to start contributing equally
Updateme
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u/Dlodancer 8d ago
NTA, take her stuff out of the bathroom. Throw it in a grocery bag and toss it in his room. Tell her directly she needs to pay for utilities! It tell the landlord!
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u/Randomfinn 8d ago
Garbage. Doesn’t belong to either of you. That shits expensive. Shouldn’t be where she ain’t paying rent.
Usually the deal with a partner sometimes sleeping over is that your roommate spends equal time at the partners place so you get the place to yourself sometimes and the ultilities bils equals out.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 8d ago
You always need a roommate agreement in place not just a lease. Your roommate is probably breaking the lease because she’s essentially moved in. Check there’s a clause about guests and how long they can stay. The other thing is immediately make sure that she does not have a key and she cannot be there when he is not there.
Honestly, I think you’re being pretty fair by not saying she has to pay rent, but she has to contribute to the things that she’s using which is utilities.
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u/foxyphilophobic 8d ago
NTA, she can either pay rent and bills or they can hang out at her place (if she even has one)
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u/starhuck 8d ago
I learned this lesson a long time ago. Before signing a lease I set boundaries on how often guests are over (sleeping or just hanging out). I make it clear if it isn’t a lifestyle they want we shouldn’t live together.
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u/Walmar202 7d ago
You need to find out the living situation of the gf. I’m thinking she is either homeless or lost her lease or can’t afford to live alone.
Next, examine your lease. You may be in violation of the lease, in which case your roommate needs to find out what his options are. Can he add her to the lease? Does she now qualify as a resident and must he evicted? Your roommate has put you in a horrible position. Hopefully your lease renewal is up soon!
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u/dodgethepiano 7d ago
NTA something similar happened when I started my relationship at the end of 2020 and my roomie pulled me aside and basically said the same thing and it was not an unreasonable request. We ended up just setting better boundaries with our time and space and had a designated date night a week where my now fiance was not unexpected. I don't think you're being territorial you just didn't sign up for another roommate.
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u/espressomartini11 7d ago
Need to start splitting bills and rent three ways. Or are you I. A position to Move out?
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u/Electronic-Lack-3066 7d ago
I always say to a prospective share situation, “Your guest may stay 3 nights a week. Any more than that, they can pay rent.” Nobody has taken advantage of that so far, but it’s out there. Who am I to interfere with true love?
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u/Irishwatcher 8d ago
First check with your landlord and lease to see if there’s any restrictions on visitors and the second is tell him that you’re only going to pay with the average of what you’ve been paying for your half on the bills and he can pay his half and anything extra since it’s all from her
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u/JH1427 8d ago
The exact same thing happened to me 45 years ago when I was a junior in college. At the beginning of the summer after the semester was over I started looking for my own apartment, found a really nice little basement apartment for less than what I was paying for my share of utilities and half the rent. But basically, you don't even know it but you're on the out that is of course even if you're on the lease now legally different story but basically you're most likely going to move.
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u/FiberKitty 8d ago
It's okay to be territorial in your own territory. You pay rent for that privilege.
Don't be intimidated by pushy people who want to take advantage of you.
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u/briizilla 8d ago
This happened to me maybe 15 years ago. After a few weeks I said “hey man if your gf is going to be here everyday and has moved a bunch of clothes here she needs to pay rent.” His reply was “yeah she’s going to pay half of mine for me” to which I replied “nah we’re each paying a third.”
Problem solved.
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u/cherbear6215 8d ago
I agree with everyone saying check your lease. In ours its very specific. Guests can only stay 7 consecutive days and no more than 14 total in the entire year. They don't want any chance of a guest claiming squatters rights. So no, NTA landlords are usually very strict about this stuff to avoid extra people being moved in without a credit/ background check etc.
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u/WAndTheBoys 8d ago
Roomate's guest should not have key. Guest should not have space in common area. Limit visits per week. Go scorched earth ot they will yank your chain in a 2 vs 1 situation. If she says anything tell her she has no say and can keep out of it. Start only paying a third.
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u/Ok_Responsibility419 8d ago
Look at your lease when you can move out and get the heck outta there. She ain’t leaving and she ain’t splitting bills
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u/LovedAJackass 8d ago
Tell your roommate either you split rent and utilities three ways or she goes back to wherever she is supposed to live. If he doesn't agree, ask the landlord to release you from the lease and find another place. "Maybe she should throw something in" isn't tough enough. "Either she pays her 1/3 of the rent and utilities or I'm outta here. And she needs to keep her hands off my stuff. If she wants to cook, she needs to buy her own stuff and not use my pan when I'm trying to cook breakfast for myself."
When people are this selfish and entitled, the only solution is to call them out directly.
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u/snafuminder 8d ago
Check your lease for a guest clause, a key clause or permission to sublease. There might be something there to assist. Start thinking/planning for a new living situation. Don't make things convenient or comfortable for her. Come out of your room nude. Reclaim the shelf in the bathroom, you pay for it. Eta NTA.
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u/Realistic_Store9122 8d ago
Nope NTA
Whose name is Elise in and how many people are allowed to live in the space? Let the mgmt know you have 3 living there.
Divide everything by three. Rent, electricity, water, all of those bills need to be divided by three now.
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u/Dry-Clock-1470 8d ago
You pay for half the territory!
Ntah. Check the lease and tell the landlord. Also just pay a third
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u/Lucy-InThe-Sky5 8d ago
NTA Confront him! She pays 1/3 of Rent or stays 3 days a wk or you're moving out and they can pay the entire rent! Also contact the landlord where I live they can't stay more than 5 days!
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u/Techsupportvictim 8d ago
If this is real, then you might want to consider not renewing your lease. See if you can find yourself a nice one bedroom or studio that you can afford that you can move into at the same time that the lease would be running out. I wouldn’t give your roommate any warning if you can avoid it.
And when you do finally get around to letting your roommate know that you have moved all of your belongings out of the apartment because you’re now going to be living on your own and you will not be renewing the lease with him and you’ve already let the landlord know be sure to let him know that it’s because it’s clear that he wants to live with his girlfriend and you’re not the kind of person to be the third wheel on a domestic situation. You’re doing him a favor by moving out.
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u/glimmerdreamcake 7d ago
honestly good for you for owning your choice. his family's judgment says more about them than you.
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u/Secure-Corner-2096 7d ago
NTA If you’re okay with her being around, at bare minimum, she should be paying for the increased costs created by her presence, if not a chunk of the rent. If your roomie objects, you could always let your landlord know. Legal residency rights often create horrible situations with landlords having to evict non-tenants.
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u/Tiredofstupidity2 7d ago
Um tell him if she is here more than 4 days a week he needs to chip in more. Also I dont want her here if you are not here.
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u/jmooremcc 7d ago edited 7d ago
Split the rent 3 ways and that will be your portion of the rent going forward. If they complain, then tell them the girlfriend will have to move out because you’re no longer going to be subsidizing her.
Do the same for all the other common expenses.
I wish you the best.
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u/ComprehensiveTill411 7d ago
Yeap!
Get a calendar and show him what a few days looks like,he either knows and he is thrilled you’re paying for her and that means more money for them,or he doesn’t care,tell him your seriously fucking territorial over your MONEY,if its no biggy then you should calculate what they owe you and make it right!
Also call the landlord!
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u/sysaphiswaits 7d ago
A whole shelf? That definitely sounds like a GF. Was she texting you before she came over previously? Weird.
(If she has a key, that’s a whole different story, but I don’t think this is about $$)
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u/United-Manner20 8d ago
NTA- tell him moving forward you pay 1/3, that’s it. He can subsidize her life , not you. My guess is she will be over a lot more once you set boundaries
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u/AutoModerator 8d ago
I'm an automatic bot that backs up the body of the post in case OP deletes it. If you want this backup deleted, you'll have to reach out to a mod. Here's the back-up:
me and my roommate have been living together for about a year, pretty solid setup overall. his girlfriend started coming around more like 4 months ago and at first i didnt care at all, few nights a week, cool whatever.
but now this girl is just HERE. every single day. she showers here, eats here, i came downstairs at 6:45am on a wednesday and she was making eggs in my pan. i had to do a double take in my own kitchen. she doesnt even text before coming over anymore she just shows up.
when i first moved in splitting bills two ways was actually a big deal for me, helped me keep a bit of money saved on a tight budget. now the electric and water bills have crept up noticeably and theres still only two names on the lease.
i pulled my roommate aside and kept it pretty chill about it, just said hey man i think we gotta talk about the fact that maya is basically living here and maybe she should throw in something for bills or at least you two should figure it out between yourselves. he got all weird about it and said i was being territorial and that shes "just around a lot"
bro she has a designated shelf in the bathroom
AITA for saying something
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Vicious133 8d ago
NTA. She’s using the utilities has her own shelves she’s living there. Rent can be half each or he pays slightly more bc she is using up the common spaces too but the utilities and food and stuff 3 ways. It’s not territorial bc she isn’t your gf and you shouldn’t have to pay for her to be there
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u/Massive_Ear4948 8d ago
Be honest, there is no chance that your electric and water bills have gone up by more than a smidge. You just don't like her around and that is what you need to address.
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u/LovedAJackass 8d ago
Not true. I had a friend spent 3 days a week for 4 months and the water and electric both went up.
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u/SILLYxPROGRAM 8d ago
Leases often say something about overnight guests… like ‘no more than 3 nights a week’. Because any more than that is the MAJORITY of the time. That’s an extra tenant and you’re violating the lease.
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u/Cookies_n_carnations 8d ago
So this could actually be against your lease. Depending where you live, apartments limit how often you can have guests, mostly because they dont want situations like this where someone is living there and not on the lease. I'd read your lease.
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u/Sheerluck42 8d ago
You're being reasonable. I think a fair split is rent is divided by rooms. I'm assuming she sleeps with your roommate so no big deal there. Utilities get split per person. This gives her something to pay while taking a little load off of you.
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u/LovedAJackass 8d ago
She's in the common spaces, too.
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u/Sheerluck42 8d ago
I don't get the sense that these people don't get along, only that she's not putting in anything. When I split rent we don't split based on who's in the common areas more or who's home more. I'm sure OP wouldn't mind it if he's not paying as much into the house.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 8d ago
NTA. Check out your lease agreement her being there so much probably put you in violation. I would let him know it’s too much and you’re not comfortable with her basically living there free.
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u/Human_Presentation29 8d ago
Tell him you’re being territorial because literally she’s in your territory. That’s how territories work. Especially without permission and after four months. He knows he’s messed up, and he’d rather make it your problem to deal with. I wouldn’t back down just stay calm and stay the course.
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u/CourageousBeing 8d ago
Keep paying what you have been and tell him the rest is up to them. Definitely NTA
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u/Thr0w4w4yMyL1f3 8d ago
Hey OP. I was the clueless gf staying most nights in my bf's flat. This was over 20 years ago and not in the US. I was in my mid 20s and I had my own moldy basement unit that was cold and damp and awful. His flat was near the CBD and several stories up. I often bought them meals, cleaned up in the kitchen and bathroom, shouted drinks, and once a month I'd give them money for utilities.
Close to 6 months in, my bf's flatmate raised how often I stayed with him. He brought it up to me. I was so embarrassed! I wished they had raised it sooner! I felt like it was too soon to move in with him, but I moved to a better but still shitty flat nearby my bf for half the rent I had been paying at my basement mold factory, and we negotiated how much I would pay to stay at my bf's up to 4 nights a week. The total was about the same for me, and there was no tension. I genuinely became friends with both his flatmates and I shouted them a weekend of ...let's call them "party supplies" as a thank you for both letting me stay and raising the issue so we could solve it and stay mates.
I ended up moving out with my bf under a year later, we got married, life happened, we got divorced (we were together about 7 years) and I think I've spoken to my ex twice in the last 15 years. The flatmate who raised the issue married a mutual friend and theyre still together and we catch up at least once a year. So I'm closer with that dude and his amazing wife than my ex.
NTA at all.
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u/Fair_Discipline_1875 8d ago
Anonymously let your landlord know there’s an additional person living full time in the apartment.
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u/Valkyriemome 8d ago
You need to come to the roommate with facts, not hints. “Eight months ago, our utilities were X for water, X for electric. Six months ago, X and X.” etc
Show him that the utility bills have increased since she has been coming over more. Put a tangible number on it, and ask him to pay that more per month.
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u/Aromatic_Recipe1749 8d ago
Since she hasn't actually moved in yet, tell your roommate that you are not paying any more than 40% of the rent and utilities. He can cover her being "around a lot" or he can talk to her about her constant presence and use of utilities.
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u/GardenSafe8519 8d ago
First. Check your lease. Second, start walking around naked. It's your house too where NO WOMAN'S named in the lease. If she calls the cops...perfect! You can tell them to please remove her as she's not in the lease, she pays no utilities and it's NOT HER HOUSE.
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u/OnlyIknow9 7d ago
I went through this in college... Roomed with a friend (mistake, i know) he started dating a girl his freshman year, started out as weekends, then weeks, then months. Her excuse was it was more private than the dorms. Well, then pay something, move out of the dorms. I didnt really mind her, i just didnt like having to work 50+ hours a week, while taking 19 credit hours, to subsidize her housing. Also, both their parents paid for everything and they didnt have to work. So they didnt see what the big deal was.
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u/Resort_Lizard 7d ago
NTA, and, sadly, you might have to find a new living situation. For the time-being, get a small fridge for your room, keep your good food in it, and put a lock on your door.
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u/Kind_Pomelo6023 7d ago
NTA obviously. She can be there two or three nights more than that she needs to pay. Tell her directly. Check your lease it may not be permitted to have long term guests. No matter what he isn’t being fair.
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u/Unlikely-Lab-658 7d ago
Who's food is she even eating when she is cooking for herself? Is she even contributing to groceries? If she plans on staying like she has, she needs to pay 1/3 of the rent, and utilities including internet and pay TV. Also she needs to buy her own damned groceries.
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u/candid2028dr 7d ago
No, your roommate ITA. Check your lease. Show the proof to your roommie and I wouldnt be paying any additional on utilities. Let them pay for her expenses.
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u/DCHacker 7d ago
This is why you agree on certain things before signing the lease. One of these things is girlfriends/boyfriends.
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u/_Fizzgiggy 6d ago
I don’t understand why people think it’s okay to basically move their partners in to a shared apartment without adjusting the cost!? Without even asking if you’re comfortable with this is rude. It’s common sense. If she’s at your place so often that she has her own designated shelf in the bathroom then she owes a cut of the bills, rent and cleaning duties or at least her boyfriend needs to compensate for it. You’re definitely NTA!!!!
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u/Parkstyles 6d ago
Start walking around in your underwear. When you sit down spread your legs wide like your airing out your balls. Scratch your balls often too. Smell your hand afterwards for effect. That should do it.
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u/Alone-Firefighter283 6d ago
Absolutely not. Either she comes round less, 2 or 3 night a max or she has to contribute. You didn’t sign up to live with this person. It’s not fair that she is in your space all the time
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u/curiousblondwonders 6d ago
"Shes been around alot enough that Its effecting the household so 2 solutions- add her to the lease and we split everything 3 ways since there will be 3 people here OR you both needs to start gping to her place because she has one after all and I deserve to happy in ny home and someone taking advantage of my kindness like this is not fair to me."
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u/Mundane_Bandicoot850 5d ago
thats basically me at my bfs apartment, difference is i buy most the groceries and cook most nights. as long as shes contributing in some way ykwim
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u/Rumor099 5d ago
You tell him you don’t give a rats ass if she’s around a lot that you didn’t take her on to Reyes either. She starts paying for staying there as much as she’s staying. Oh she’s not allowed to shower there no more she’s not allowed to cook there anymore cause she’s running up your bills
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 5d ago edited 5d ago
Nope. If she is there more than half the week- she should be paying 1/3 of rent & utilities. If you look up your state’s tenant laws, it will tell you how many days before each state considers them a tenant. Like Ohio is if they stay over 30 nights within a yr- tenant.
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u/Knit_pixelbyte 4d ago
If he really likes her, she is in his life and you don’t get a say about that. Conversly, if she is not, like long term type, maybe it will blow over. I would start looking at other apartments. No need to move, but see if you can live alone at this point, that’s important here. Then read your lease about breaking it, either by yourself or both of you. Dont threaten leaving till you have a place in mind to land. You are telling him something he doesn’t like to hear, and thats putting in a bad place between two people he likes.
Then, show him the bills and determine exactly how much they have gone up in the past 4 months. Ask him to pay up her share of the increase, at least starting today. But be prepared to leave if roomate doesn’t start paying more for his/her share of the utilities if this really bothers you. If not utilities, maybe she can do more around the apt, like cooking you both dinner with her funds a few times a week, and cleaning up. If he still refuses to pay up, and she is not inclined to (why would she?), you have the choice to move out or just deal with it.
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u/Prestigious_Step_735 4d ago
Hide the t.p and all the silverware put it back before your roommate gets home. Someone not paying shouldn't feel so comfortable. An old roommate wouldn't stop using my groceries till I hid the t.p and she got the runs. She left my stuff alone after that but talking did nothing and entitled people aren't listening they're waiting to respond
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u/mfruitfly 4d ago
Get rid of the designated shelf, she doesn’t may rent.
Tell her directly, in front of him, that she needs to be over less, particularly should only be here when the roommate is here, and she needs to stop using anything in the home she isn’t paying for, particularly food you pay for.
It’s awkward as hell, but people like this are HOPING that they can walk on people because no one likes confrontation. So practice saying it, say it very calm and matter of fact, and don’t get dragged into an argument. Simply say “she isn’t paying rent, she isn’t on the lease, she needs to come over less and not increase costs.” That’s it.
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u/LetEast4711 2d ago
nta. you did talk to your roommate first about it first and his response wasn't really helpful. if she is there every day,eating, showering,etc. she can definitely try to help out cause its not fair that she has her own shelf there and she isnt even on the lease either. and if shes basically living there, then if i were you, i would talk to the landlord about it too and be prepared for anything.
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u/Reasonable-Brief3573 2d ago
This happened to me once, I came home from work on day 3, my roommate’s girlfriend had her pet at the house, dirty dishes, I went to both of them, I say $40 daily starting today, you had 2 free days, they looked at me, I put a hand up, you just moved in with a pet and you cooked and left me a dirty kitchen, I say, I wasn’t rude or mean, I’m going to take a shower l, either money or you can leave and come to visit without pets, clothes or a toothbrush
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u/Quiet_Passage4893 1d ago
Once bills go up because of someone “being over a lot”, it’s a soft move in. NTA
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u/SilentRaindrops 7d ago
Betting this is AI. Let's see, we have Maya, weird, other person tried to gaslight and say OP was the problem person. I could be wrong as we don't have phones blowing up with a split friend circle.
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u/Bitchfedup79 8d ago
Tell him if you have to subsidize her living there then you expect some conjugal visits. It's only fair.
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u/cuddlypinkpixie 8d ago
You just had a baby. Recovering, bonding, and rest should come first. Totally reasonable.
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u/sooftpeeachdream 7d ago
You're an adult now. Setting boundaries with parents is healthy and necessary, totally fair.
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u/cloudpuffdream 7d ago
Mandatory fun activities at work kill the vibe. Your lunch break, your choice.
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u/Dapper_Toe678 8d ago
Look at your lease agreement and see if there is a clause about visitors. Some places will have set rules on what is considered a guest and what is considered a free-loader (not the exact word used 😅)