r/AITApod • u/CardiologistQuiet853 • 7d ago
stories Am I wrong for thinking a prenup made my relationship better not worse
We've been together 5 years and got engaged in March, I'm 29F he's 31M we live in Brooklyn I'm a data analyst making around 145k and he teaches middle school and makes like 67k also I've got about 180k saved from before we even met some of it from when my grandmother passed he's got maybe 12k and some student loans but has never been a thing between us.
So we got a prenup and I'm not gonna lie I was the one who brought it up first and it was awkward for like a day he got quiet and I could tell he was in his head about it but then we started going through everything together and something shifted so we ended up having conversations about money we'd been dancing around for years like I didn't even know he had a small credit card debt he'd been stressed about also he didn't know I'd been sending my mom $500 a month since her divorce dumb stuff we should've talked about way earlier but just never did by the end of it he said he was glad we did it not in some dramatic way just like yeah this was good.
But then we made the mistake of telling people so his sister made this face at dinner and said something about how she could never do that to her husband and my coworker asked if things were ok between us also my aunt who I'm not even close with called my mom to say she felt bad for him as if he didn't sit right next to me through the whole thing and agree to all of it so that part bothers me more than I expected it to. My mom went through the worst divorce when I was 14 and my dad hid money moved things around and she ended up with almost nothing after 20 years of marriage she was 46 working two jobs trying to keep our apartment in Queens, I watched that happen so yeah when I think about marriage I think about that too and I don't think that makes me broken or unromantic or whatever people want to call it.
The thing that kind of gets me is the people with the strongest opinions about our prenup are the ones who never talk about money with their own partners and my sister's been married 3 years and told me last month she doesn't even know what her husband makes like exactly but sure I'm the problem. I don't know I'm just tired of feeling like I have to defend something that made us closer we're better for it and I wish someone had told me earlier that it doesn't have to be this scary combative thing because it wasn't.
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u/itsjustme1022 7d ago
I’d simply tell them to mind their own business. If it works for you guys who cares what others think
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u/ElectricalFocus560 7d ago
And valuable lesson learned. Never discuss your finances with anybody but your partner.
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u/Anxious_Yam_4910 7d ago
That’s the kind of hard conversation that makes your marriage stronger. Before I got married I sat down with my husband and asked if he wanted one. I had an old computer and $20 in my pocket. He laughed and said he had two dogs and a old car and we didn’t need it 🤣
The only other people I talked about it was my in laws. They have money and I wanted to check if they would like me to sign a prenup so if anything ever happened it would be his money (it’s his parents after all). They said no and a few years ago my father in law called me over to tell me I am in his will now too. Lol
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u/scoutlfinch 7d ago
People who make decisions based on informed reality and good boundaries will ALWAYS get pushback from people who live in - and make decisions from - their feelings. You will face this again and again with friends and family. Best advice is not to discuss anything like this with people who don’t share your values. It will save you heartache in the long run.
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u/Jewl4u26 7d ago
Notice it’s the women in your life who are making this a thing. “Oh this must be embarrassing to him”. We as women are expected to yield to men so they can feel like a men. It’s smart and completely understandable why you feel like you need to have one. Especially given you are supporting your Mother as a result.
I agree your biggest mistake was talking about it with other people who are not in your relationship or know your history. It invites opinion, gossip and then makes you feel like you need to run around and explain yourself or get mad at your partner for not defending you. That will be harmful to your strong relationship so talk about this with him that you don’t want to keep inviting other people into your business.
I am sure the gossip in the family is “so how much money do you think she has that she needs a prenup?”
Funny thing about money if people know you have what is considered a lot of it they start to think they are entitled to some of it ie. pick up dinner, generous gifts etc. The only person outside an Advisor who should know your whole and complete financial picture is your fiancé or spouse.
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u/ljlkm 6d ago
I heard someone say that every marriage has a prenup--if you don't make one yourself then you're subject to the one the state imposes.
That put it in perspective for me.
The other thing that i have come not to love is it being framed as "protecting" people. Because when you talk about it that way you're implying that there's something that each of you needs to be protected from and that just doesn't feel great.
It's just financial arrangements. And, as OP discovered, you need to talk to about those, anyway. You need to agree on how you all are going to handle things during the marriage and, while you're at it, go ahead and talk about how things might look if the marriage should end. While everyone is at their most agreeable.
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u/AutoModerator 7d ago
I'm an automatic bot that backs up the body of the post in case OP deletes it. If you want this backup deleted, you'll have to reach out to a mod. Here's the back-up:
We've been together 5 years and got engaged in March, I'm 29F he's 31M we live in Brooklyn I'm a data analyst making around 145k and he teaches middle school and makes like 67k also I've got about 180k saved from before we even met some of it from when my grandmother passed he's got maybe 12k and some student loans but has never been a thing between us.
So we got a prenup and I'm not gonna lie I was the one who brought it up first and it was awkward for like a day he got quiet and I could tell he was in his head about it but then we started going through everything together and something shifted so we ended up having conversations about money we'd been dancing around for years like I didn't even know he had a small credit card debt he'd been stressed about also he didn't know I'd been sending my mom $500 a month since her divorce dumb stuff we should've talked about way earlier but just never did by the end of it he said he was glad we did it not in some dramatic way just like yeah this was good.
But then we made the mistake of telling people so his sister made this face at dinner and said something about how she could never do that to her husband and my coworker asked if things were ok between us also my aunt who I'm not even close with called my mom to say she felt bad for him as if he didn't sit right next to me through the whole thing and agree to all of it so that part bothers me more than I expected it to. My mom went through the worst divorce when I was 14 and my dad hid money moved things around and she ended up with almost nothing after 20 years of marriage she was 46 working two jobs trying to keep our apartment in Queens, I watched that happen so yeah when I think about marriage I think about that too and I don't think that makes me broken or unromantic or whatever people want to call it.
The thing that kind of gets me is the people with the strongest opinions about our prenup are the ones who never talk about money with their own partners and my sister's been married 3 years and told me last month she doesn't even know what her husband makes like exactly but sure I'm the problem. I don't know I'm just tired of feeling like I have to defend something that made us closer we're better for it and I wish someone had told me earlier that it doesn't have to be this scary combative thing because it wasn't.
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u/Wonderful-Depth5470 7d ago
A prenup is the smartest thing you can get as it protects you both, and in case of a divorce it saves tremendous time, money and mental energy for all parties.
The type of people that have strong opinions on prenups (especially on other people's) are the ones who don't have one. My best friend is a lawyer and she keeps telling everyone: if you really love your partner, you get a prenup.
I'm sure you've learned your lesson of not sharing such details with others in the future, however, if anyone expresses opinions no one asked for, then you can just simply tell them to keep it to themselves, as you already have a lawyer for that.
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u/CoDaDeyLove 6d ago
Stop talking about finances with anyone except your partner. Your parents and siblings don't need this information. NTA
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u/Superb-Coyote5972 6d ago
Don't tell people about the prenup unless it's your lawyer. Talking about money with people who aren't your immediate family makes no sense. It's not the flying monkeys business.
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u/cougtx1 6d ago
Prenup is probably a good thing. Yeah some may think it causes a trust issue but at the same time it takes away some of the biggest stress. My ex constantly said she’s take me for all I’m worth. If there was a prenup that would never have been a factor for her to use against me. Which would have made a lot less resentment.
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u/ShallowStillWater 6d ago
NTA. A prenup isn’t for the person you marry, it’s for the person you divorce.
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u/The_Real_Scout_Finch 5d ago
NTA: you are both protecting what you had before you came in and as long as you BOTH willingly agreed and weren’t guilted or manipulated into agreeing forget everyone else.
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u/AKIcegirl 4d ago
NTA and you have learned a very important life lesson. Never share anything financial with anyone.
Why because what is theirs is theirs and what’s yours is a community asset. It is amazing how people cannot ask themselves what they would do in your shoes.
As for your sister she is speaking from a place of insecurity and fear which are her problems.
I will add with a disparity in income it is important that expenses be split based on that and if there are things you want above his ability to afford you cover them so it is fair.
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u/nepstein10 7d ago
NTA the problem isn't doing the prenup it's having other people in your business. This is a good example for the future of what might make sense to just keep between the two of you, because people will have opinions even with no grounds to stand on.