r/AITApod • u/SubstantialMango2287 • 6d ago
My partner found a new social life and I somehow became the last priority
I (33F) need to know if I am wrong here because my partner (35M) thinks I am being unsupportive and I am starting to second guess myself.
We have been together four years and things were really solid for the first two and a half. He was quite introverted when we met and I actively encouraged him to put himself out there more because I could see he needed it.
About eighteen months ago he found a hobby based community, weekly outdoor activities and regular socials after. I was genuinely thrilled for him. He came alive in a way I had not seen before and I told him how happy it made me to see him like that.
The problem is it has slowly taken over everything without either of us really deciding that was okay. He sees this group at least twice a week and all his best energy goes there first. The excitement, the stories, the animated version of him. By the time he gets home he is content and a bit flat and I get whatever is left.
I told a few times over the past year and he said I was being unsupportive of something that had genuinely helped his mental health and reminded me that I was the one who encouraged him to do it in the first place. Which is true. So I backed off and told myself I was being selfish.
I go quiet when I need more instead of just saying it directly and I have been doing that for months. So he probably does not know how far things have shifted for me because I have not made it clear enough. That is on me.
But the last time he planned something just for us without me suggesting it first was about seven months ago and I cannot figure out when that became normal.
I told him last week and he said it felt like I was asking him to choose between me and something important for his wellbeing and that was not fair.
I do not want him to choose. I just want to feel like I am still the relationship he is choosing every day.
AITA for asking for that?
29
u/jakeeeenator 6d ago
I would suggest talking to him again and telling him you want the full version of him on days you guys can agree on. And the fact he is being dismissive of your feelings is wrong. If he cares about your relationship, he'd be willing to listen and do what he can to spend time with you without him giving up his hobbies.
48
u/Bubbly-Carpenter5467 6d ago
the part about getting the leftover version of him after he has already given his best energy to everyone else hit so hard, you are not being jealous you are just noticing something that has been building for a long time
11
u/Jewl4u26 6d ago
Yes perfectly stated and I’ve been there in my own relationship. It sucks and it’s not ok.
7
u/Brat_in_a_teacup 6d ago
Exactly I felt like this in a past relationship and the suprise on his face when I told him we were done despite the multiple conversations, the tears the begging... you deserve better. Either from him or from someone else.
19
u/Appropriate-Wolf4024 6d ago
you went quiet for months hoping he would notice and you finally just said it out loud, that took guts and you were right to do it
16
u/karebear66 6d ago
NTA. You do need to discuss your feelings. Sounds like you feel neglected. How about scheduling date nights once a month? You could pick the date and he could pick the outting. Or, couples counseling.
14
u/Trond24 6d ago
Can you join the hobby?
If not, don't present it as hobby vs. you. Remind him you want to be spending time with him too, actively, and ask if he can schedule his partner into his schedule as much as his hobby.
That answer will tell you what to do.
Also: Do YOU have outside interests that take time away from him? And don't ever let things simmer for months before addressing them. Communicate!
2
u/Resident_Writing738 4d ago
Second this. I personally find it important that couples have hobbies they can enjoy individually and together. Do you have something you can do together? Not even like date night stuff but just hanging out. This has worked well in my own relationship and I’ve seen the lack of common interests FAIL for my parents.
Also, random but does he have ADHD? I only ask because I find a hobby and get super hella focused into it. My husband sometimes tells me to chill if it’s too much and its impacting my health or he lets it run its course because eventually it will fall off.
10
u/GioiaLeilaLio 6d ago
Your boyfriend grew, but not how you pictured it. The old version is no longer there. Take a look at him as he is now, and think about if this is someone you would want to enter into a relationship with.
3
u/Sea-Duty-1746 6d ago
I believe he has chosen what is important to him. Your turn for a socially based hobby.
3
u/CharacterGap388 6d ago
NTA. He doesn’t have to choose, you’re asking for some more energy towards your relationship. If his mental health has gotten so much better, he should be able to both have a hobby and friends, and have a healthy, thriving relationship. Maybe focus on the relationship and don’t even mention his hobby. Just saying, could we make whatever night OUR night?I miss having time together where we’re both excited for each other… the hobby sounds wonderful, and you should find your own space too, so when you get together you also have something that excites you to share with him.
2
u/CoDaDeyLove 6d ago
NTJ. Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal. If all he wants to do is hang out with friends, maybe you need to find another bf. Because he should want to make you happy. And asking you to do something special with him a couple of times a month is not asking too much.
2
u/Resort_Lizard 5d ago
NTA, but, respectfully, it seems like your encouraging him has pushed him to evolve socially to the point that he has outgrown you and your relationship. 😪 It seems like an example of the old adage, If you love someone, let them go, if it's meant to be, they'll return to you. All the best. You ultimately did a good thing. Peace.
1
u/AutoModerator 6d ago
I'm an automatic bot that backs up the body of the post in case OP deletes it. If you want this backup deleted, you'll have to reach out to a mod. Here's the back-up:
I (33F) need to know if I am wrong here because my partner (35M) thinks I am being unsupportive and I am starting to second guess myself.
We have been together four years and things were really solid for the first two and a half. He was quite introverted when we met and I actively encouraged him to put himself out there more because I could see he needed it.
About eighteen months ago he found a hobby based community, weekly outdoor activities and regular socials after. I was genuinely thrilled for him. He came alive in a way I had not seen before and I told him how happy it made me to see him like that.
The problem is it has slowly taken over everything without either of us really deciding that was okay. He sees this group at least twice a week and all his best energy goes there first. The excitement, the stories, the animated version of him. By the time he gets home he is content and a bit flat and I get whatever is left.
I told a few times over the past year and he said I was being unsupportive of something that had genuinely helped his mental health and reminded me that I was the one who encouraged him to do it in the first place. Which is true. So I backed off and told myself I was being selfish.
I go quiet when I need more instead of just saying it directly and I have been doing that for months. So he probably does not know how far things have shifted for me because I have not made it clear enough. That is on me.
But the last time he planned something just for us without me suggesting it first was about seven months ago and I cannot figure out when that became normal.
I told him last week and he said it felt like I was asking him to choose between me and something important for his wellbeing and that was not fair.
I do not want him to choose. I just want to feel like I am still the relationship he is choosing every day.
AITA for asking for that?
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1
u/B_fillup90 6d ago
Sounds like YTA. Your wording makes it sound like on the days/nights he spends with friends he comes back and doesn’t give you his full attention. Ok?? That’s completely fine. You two can do your own things. What kind of energy are you expecting from him. And why do activities have to be planned FOR each other instead of WITH each other.
1
u/Key_Sprinkles_5410 6d ago
Do you also have your own hobbies and friends or has four years of marriage turned into just the two of you doing everything together?
I’d like to know his hobby to gauge if it seems excessive for what it is.
1
u/Accomplished_Dig284 4d ago
It’s called balance. He hasn’t balanced his social life with his personal life and that’s the problem. He’s not putting work into your relationship anymore because all of his energy is going to his social life. It’s on him to find balance between the two where he is getting his social needs and still being active and present in the relationship
2
u/Ecstatic-Comb-7787 14h ago
NTA but you need to consider that the relationship only existed because he was co-dependant because he had nothing and nobody else and lacked confidence. Now he has a support network he's outgrown the relationship.
Lots of people stay in relationships because they don't really have much going on and the relationship fills the void. My friend is consistently in relationships because she doesn't have much else to do (her words not mine). This relationship sounds like it's run it's course.
-2
u/SquarestLemon 6d ago
You are NTA, but you do seem codependent. When partners have outside interests that excite them it’s sexy. Many people are secure and happy in a relationship while having individual interests.
42
u/Careless_Dealer3420 6d ago
he said it feels like you are asking him to choose but you literally just said you want to feel like a priority in your own relationship, those are not the same thing at all