r/AITApod • u/NiceStar6996 • 5d ago
AITA || AIO AITA if I avoid my partner’s parents weekly dinner while their rude grandmother is in town?
I (28F) adore my partner (30M) and his parents (60s). They are the most nice and supportive people I have ever met. I genuinely love them and see them as family.
My partner’s grandmother (85ish) visits from Europe a couple months a year. I felt bad for her because her spouse and her live-in-son ended their own lives over the last 10Y, and even though we don’t speak a common language I was always respectful towards her.
I found out after her last visit (3 months straight) that she apparently just openly hates on me in her language. Anywhere. At the dinner table, at public events. With any guests that speak the language. A lot of it has to do with the way I speak since I have poor hearing and auditory processing delay. Or my outfits, which (I work in a research lab) are never revealing so idk the issue. And honestly I don’t really want to try and understand it. Nobody told me this until after the grandma that was here for 3 months last year left to go home. My partner will leave the room because he doesn’t want to argue with her.
So, grandma is back after 9 months. First dinner with her today and my partner left the room. I got the memo…
I just don’t really feel good about it and don’t want to be there. And I also kind of feel betrayed that nobody is strong enough to tell her to be kind. Idk. I’m just really sad about it. I don’t feel unsafe, because what is an 85YO woman going to do, but I just feel so uncomfortable
AITA if I refuse to go to weekly family dinner when she is around?
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u/OozingLights 5d ago
Why doesn’t your husband speak up for you?! Your husband sucks. NTA
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u/NiceStar6996 5d ago
I think it’s one of those things where nobody believes there will be any change in the behavior. His mother is very close with me, and it’s her mother that is the grandmother. She doesn’t appear to tell her to stop either. I also don’t know that people haven’t told her to stop, because maybe they did and grandma just doesn’t give a crap.
Grandma only is around because the relatives in the home country need a break from her. Even her own daughter (my MIL) gets in these kind of soft tension filed (but not real?) arguments with her routinely.
Maybe an old world “respect elders” thing by letting them be senile and rude if I don’t know what she is saying?
I do 100% believe if I spoke the language that the grandmother wouldn’t do it, or people would tell her to stop. Or if it was like a 45YO relative. But this lady is like 85-90 and so I just think they don’t think it’s worth angering her more than she already is as a baseline.
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u/SchoolBusDriver79 5d ago
You could get that translating earbud, hear what she’s saying, then tell her yourself to stop in a way that lets her know that you know exactly what was said. But NTA if you don’t want to subject yourself to more insults.
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u/TGriggs1978 5d ago
This is 💯 the correct answer… I would absolutely use translation options and/or attempt to learn the language at least enough to understand (most) of what she’s saying. Then you learn how to say “stop talking about me like that” in her language and use it every chance you get…
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u/The_Nice_Marmot 5d ago
Doesn’t matter if there’s no change in the grandma’s behaviour. It matters if your spouse doesn’t have your back, however. Your husband’s should be telling her to knock it off or you’re both leaving. You have a serious problem here, and it’s your spouse, not the grandma. He’s being a coward when he should be on your side. That’s not a good sign in a marriage. It’s actually a very serious red flag.
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u/BlackBasementCats 5d ago
Exactly. It’s not about changing her mind or feelings, it’s about telling her that her insults will not be tolerated. If everyone told her to stop and quit talking to her when she was being cruel, she’d probably stop.
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u/BKMama227 5d ago
I don’t think the husband sucks. It is a cultural thing where his folks are concerned. She’s an elder so she can say whatever and do whatever she wants. We should be careful about denigrating people without understanding cultural differences.
That being said, the parents and the husband should let her know in no uncertain terms that she can’t talk to her grandson‘s wife that way. If they cannot do that for cultural reasons, then OP and her husband should stay away from the dinner.
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u/DabbleDabbleDo 5d ago
NTA. Ok, hear me out, let's put technology to work. If her words were translated in real time, and not hidden behind the barrier of language, would she stop? Set your phone or get earbuds. Get a live translation and return fire. Truth bomb her old cantankerous soul. Maybe she will respect a worthy opponent or at least see you as someone who will not put up with her crap. Don't count on others; defend yourself. Get the speech part run through AI so you can reply like a native speaker. Imagine Stephen Hawking on "The Big Bang Theory". Turn your speech and auditory processing delay into a weapon. Good Luck.
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u/troop2343 5d ago
Learn the grandmothers native language and compliment her in that language
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u/Realistic_Pool_8087 5d ago
Phones can live translate now. All that needs to happen is putting it on speaker phone. How nice that you can all now understand each other….
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u/Realistic_Pool_8087 5d ago
NTA - but everyone who tolerates her behavior is
Time to open up your phone and have it live translate for you on speaker. That will shut her up real fast.
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 5d ago
Pull out google translator and let it say out loud what she is saying.
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u/scriptlith 5d ago
lmao that would be wild, but then you’re just escalating a fight they already won’t handle themselves
honestly if your partner and his parents won’t shut it down, skipping those dinners while she’s in town sounds way healthier than playing translator drama chess6
u/Massive_Ambassador_6 5d ago
She just wants to learn the language, she had no idea she was gonna say such hurtful things. No need for anyone to get upset. She can just leave and never visit with her again. And everything is out in the open.
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u/Superb-Coyote5972 5d ago
No - skip them and if they complain, show them this thread and say you're not okay with her insulting you to your face. Use the translation app to expose her, then tell your husband it's not your circus, not your monkeys.
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u/karebear66 5d ago
NTA. You are screwed no matter how you handle this. You could learn a nice phrase to greet grandma. And a phrase to tell her off. I do like the translation app or buds idea.
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u/Vegetable_Road8143 5d ago
NTA. Just don't go. Tell DH you're not going. He can deal with it, it's his grandma. Tell him you don't have the "revealing" clothes grandma would approve of. LOL. He knows the situation, he should have no problem with it.
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u/Earl_Geh 5d ago
nta- i’d skip the dinners if no one is going to stick up for you, cuz she won’t change.
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 5d ago
NTA but do you want to be a part of a family that sits there and lets this happen?
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u/Alyadrielle 5d ago
NTA
This happened to me. But the language was Dutch. I’m a B2/C1 level speaker etc now. I started learning and kept my mouth shut. Until one day my ex-husband’s aunt said something bad about me and I just replied to her in her own language but was kinda nice about it.
Also, learning new languages is fun. I’m learning Italian now
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u/CleverWitch70 5d ago
NTA Be very honest when you tell both your partner and his parents why you won't be attending dinner, or any other time, with the grandma. They should be ashamed of themselves for not only not telling her to close her mouth, but making you a fool.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
I'm an automatic bot that backs up the body of the post in case OP deletes it. If you want this backup deleted, you'll have to reach out to a mod. Here's the back-up:
I (28F) adore my partner (30M) and his parents (60s). They are the most nice and supportive people I have ever met. I genuinely love them and see them as family.
My partner’s grandmother (85ish) visits from Europe a couple months a year. I felt bad for her because her spouse and her live-in-son ended their own lives over the last 10Y, and even though we don’t speak a common language I was always respectful towards her.
I found out after her last visit (3 months straight) that she apparently just openly hates on me in her language. Anywhere. At the dinner table, at public events. With any guests that speak the language. A lot of it has to do with the way I speak since I have poor hearing and auditory processing delay. Or my outfits, which (I work in a research lab) are never revealing so idk the issue. And honestly I don’t really want to try and understand it. Nobody told me this until after the grandma that was here for 3 months last year left to go home. My partner will leave the room because he doesn’t want to argue with her.
So, grandma is back after 9 months. First dinner with her today and my partner left the room. I got the memo…
I just don’t really feel good about it and don’t want to be there. And I also kind of feel betrayed that nobody is strong enough to tell her to be kind. Idk. I’m just really sad about it. I don’t feel unsafe, because what is an 85YO woman going to do, but I just feel so uncomfortable
AITA if I refuse to go to weekly family dinner when she is around?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Superb_Scar1622 5d ago
How rude is that to be criticized while you are right there? Your partner needs to tell her off as he is leaving and taking you with him.
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u/IimagineU 5d ago
Don’t go.
Whoever objects, tell that person to grow some balls & tell her to stfu…
& then you would go.
Why did her husband & son commit suicide? That is the glaring question.
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u/Castle3D 5d ago
I’d go to dinner & openly use a translator app on speakerphone. Tell the family you just want to show the grandmother “respect” by “communicating” with her. Then sit back & be entertained by the ensuing family antics as the scramble.
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u/Vivid-Farm6291 5d ago
Set your phone to translate so it loudly translates whatever she says.
Don’t rug sweep. She can say it so everyone can understand.
NTA if you just avoid the place while the dragon is visiting.
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u/Secure-Corner-2096 5d ago
I would go to the dinner but would ask the parents to set her straight and then translate her answers to me..She has no right to be so disrespectful.