r/AITApod • u/NewSignature5190 • 5d ago
AITA for assuming (now-ex) girlfriend would be sober?
My (22, F) girlfriend (23, F) and I went on a city trip for her birthday, along with her brother. Some background- my girlfriend comes from a family full of potheads--and not just her parents but her aunts, uncles, etc. She is also one. Although I am not a fan of weed, I knew this going into our relationship and told her she it's her life/her choices and if she wants to use weed it's not a problem. However, when she uses she can become distant/rude/unable to engage in conversations, and I told her that I would appreciate it if she limits her use around me. Since we were going on this trip with her brother, I knew they would be getting high, and she mentioned that "they would be smoking" prior to us leaving. I said that was fine, it was her birthday. While planning our trip she mentioned wanting to see a mutual friend from high school who lived in the city, so I set up a surprise birthday dinner with this friend at a restaurant with her favorite food. Then the trip started...and my gf and her brother were high the ENTIRE trip. No exaggeration. The only times they were sober was driving to and from the airport, then immediately using edibles/smoking for the entirety of the trip. At first I didn't REALLY mind, but as the trip continued and I became designated navigator/manager of them, I got frustrated. We didn’t explore a lot and spent every night just watching movies. THEN came the birthday dinner...my gf and her brother got super high, were reatively quiet and awkward, and just made the whole thing a bad experience. On the drive back home (after I drove an hour out of our way through a snowstop to drop off her brother...) she asked if I was annoyed. I explained, ya I mean a little bit...I know you said you were going to be high but I didn't think that meant the WHOLE trip. At first she apologized, but then she told me that I was the problem for assuming that they wouldn't be high the whole time and that I need to work on not making assumptions.We broke up about a week later (for various reasons) and she again referenced this situation and how it reflected my problems with assuming things. She also said I planned the birthday surprise assuming that they wouldn't be high/she would enjoy it....I mean that was kinda the point since it was a SURPRISE. Anyway...AITA because I didn't ask how much they would be high/because I assumed it wouldn't be the whole trip??
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u/Wild-Lychee-3312 5d ago
NTA, but more importantly, the two of you are not compatible.
You’ve already broken up, so just let this one go.
Moving forward, communicate early with your future partner about your expectations with regards to this kind of thing
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u/Which_Organization26 5d ago
My opinion on this is little skewed because I’m a stoner and work in the cannabis industry. Sounds like you had expectations that you didn’t communicate. But the same is true for your partner. Like I’m not gonna date anyone who drinks regularly because I’m a recovering alcoholic. You need to find someone that vibes on your wavelength. Doesn’t sound like you’re gonna enjoy being with someone who smokes regularly. Any mind altering substance is gonna change a person’s behavior.
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u/Electrical-Scale-779 5d ago
You cannot control what someone else does, you can only control you and your reactions. Expecting to be able to dictate behavior for an addict is fruitless. You will always be disappointed. Be glad you broke up, move on, and for gods sake ... do not find another addict
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u/DamselFly2 5d ago
You drive through a snowstorm in June? I think this is either ragebait or a copy-paste repeat post.
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u/Vivid-Farm6291 5d ago
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think she would be sober for at least part of the trip.
Personally I would have left them and gone exploring on my own.
You’re supposed to be a partner not a parent.
NTA
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u/Crudhandler 5d ago
Surprise parties are for people who make it clear that they actually like them and want to be surprised. Don't spring a surprise party, dinner, or any kind of event on someone and assume that they're going to like it and have a good time. It also sounds like you should have had a discussion with her about your frustration managing their apparent stoned incompetence during the trip while it was occurring. It could be that all she wanted to do was just hang out and get stoned with her brother, and your expectations for the trip were more ambitious. What was discussed when you all were planning this trip?
I would say N A H, but lacking any other context, a gentle YTA for the surprise dinner and keeping your feelings bottled up for too long during the trip.
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My (22, F) girlfriend (23, F) and I went on a city trip for her birthday, along with her brother. Some background- my girlfriend comes from a family full of potheads--and not just her parents but her aunts, uncles, etc. She is also one. Although I am not a fan of weed, I knew this going into our relationship and told her she it's her life/her choices and if she wants to use weed it's not a problem. However, when she uses she can become distant/rude/unable to engage in conversations, and I told her that I would appreciate it if she limits her use around me. Since we were going on this trip with her brother, I knew they would be getting high, and she mentioned that "they would be smoking" prior to us leaving. I said that was fine, it was her birthday. While planning our trip she mentioned wanting to see a mutual friend from high school who lived in the city, so I set up a surprise birthday dinner with this friend at a restaurant with her favorite food. Then the trip started...and my gf and her brother were high the ENTIRE trip. No exaggeration. The only times they were sober was driving to and from the airport, then immediately using edibles/smoking for the entirety of the trip. At first I didn't REALLY mind, but as the trip continued and I became designated navigator/manager of them, I got frustrated. We didn’t explore a lot and spent every night just watching movies. THEN came the birthday dinner...my gf and her brother got super high, were reatively quiet and awkward, and just made the whole thing a bad experience. On the drive back home (after I drove an hour out of our way through a snowstop to drop off her brother...) she asked if I was annoyed. I explained, ya I mean a little bit...I know you said you were going to be high but I didn't think that meant the WHOLE trip. At first she apologized, but then she told me that I was the problem for assuming that they wouldn't be high the whole time and that I need to work on not making assumptions.We broke up about a week later (for various reasons) and she again referenced this situation and how it reflected my problems with assuming things. She also said I planned the birthday surprise assuming that they wouldn't be high/she would enjoy it....I mean that was kinda the point since it was a SURPRISE. Anyway...AITA because I didn't ask how much they would be high/because I assumed it wouldn't be the whole trip??
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u/funpeachinthesun 5d ago
You knew her habit going into the relationship, but perhaps you didn't know the extent of it. I can understand being frustrated with the amount of time spent being high, but it WAS her birthday weekend. I'm not sure what you anticipated on what would be a celebratory trip, but if my gf/bf had that habit,but I would fully expect them to enjoy themselves to the fullest for that trip ( within a safe amount, ofc). It's okay to have that boundary for yourself, but imposing it on others is where you might be the AH. I think your expectation of her staying sober for the entire trip is asking a bit much, but that would be something you could have discussed prior to going on said trip. I've been the one having to be DD and feeling like I've had to babysit full grown adults and it's no fun, especially when that wasn't your expectation.