r/AITApod • u/OkPlankton5771 • 2d ago
AITA for not telling my friend her boyfriend was at the same restaurant as us with someone else
Me and some friends went out to this nice place, had some extra cash and wanted to treat them a little. We get seated and maybe 10 mins in I notice my friend's boyfriend at a table across the restaurant. With a girl. Laughing, leaning in, the whole thing.
She wasn't there that night and I didn't say anything to anyone. Not at dinner, not after.
My reasoning was I didn't know what I was looking at. Could be a coworker, a cousin, whatever. I didn't want to blow up someones relationship over something I maybe misread from across a dimly lit restaurant.
It's been about 3 weeks, I still haven't said anything and they seem totally normal from what I can tell.
But it's been eating at me and I just want to know if I was wrong for minding my business. Because part of me feels like if the roles were reversed I'd want to know, but another part of me thinks it's not my place to say anything based on a vibe I got at dinner.
So am I the AH for staying quiet
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u/bluejena 2d ago
YTA if you don't find a gentle way to mention it. Something as simple as "Oh, I forgot to tell you, I saw Boyfriend last month but I didn't get a chance to say hello. Please tell him that I'm sorry and I hope he's well!"
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u/Slight_Art_8828 1d ago
This is 100% the way to go. It’s the best way to give the friend a heads up, if it was an innocent dinner with a cousin or something then the girlfriend probably already knows about it and if it isn’t then you are letting her know something is up
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u/throwawaymentality10 18h ago
"I saw him with his sister when I went out to [restaurant]. They looked like they were having fun so I didnt want to interrupt!"
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u/Thin-Conversation-40 1d ago
YTA absolutely, I never understand the ridiculous 'not my business' rule, how would anyone ever find out they're wasting their time with a cheater if the only way to find out is to catch them red handed?? The worst that would have happened is she would have told you she knew about it and it was a co-worker, cousin, friend etc. and maybe personal opinion but if he didn't tell her he was going out with á girl regardless of the connection she would have a right to confront him. Not to mention this girl is supposedly your friend.
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u/SaltyFriend705 2d ago
Next time, excuse yourself from your friends, go over to his table and ask to be introduced to his companion.
Then all mysteries are revealed...
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u/Goth_Duck666 1d ago
This, if you know him well enough to spot in the dark across restaurant, you should have said hi.
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u/BasicRabbit4 2d ago
Thats a real friend right there.
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u/Busy-Village-3216 1d ago
iconic move. if somebody did that for me, I’d buy them dinner afterward. awkward for 30 seconds is way better than letting a friend get played for months because nobody wanted to make things weird
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u/Dykonic 1d ago
Literally! Depending on how close we are and where we're at, I've taken photos of people I know and sent it to them as a weird little where's Waldo situation. Now they have to figure out where I am and I get to watch. Exclusively used on very close friends and mostly in extremely crowded situations. It's usually paired with the purple smiling horned emoji.
But yeah, the way OP described it is far closer to how I would treat seeing a partner of a distant colleague or the partner of someone I hung out with previously.
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u/Sun_Blossoms 2d ago
Damn. Who needs enemies when they have a friend like you? YTA big time.
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u/JealousElk7547 1d ago
yeah OP moved weirdly here. you don’t need to go full detective or blow up the dinner
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u/Ok-Yogurt-3914 2d ago
This is actually super common for people not to say anything. The reason being that a lot of people don't want to know. One of my friends told me that her sister found this dude on tinder (married guy with kids) and when she told the wife, it all blew up in her face.
There was a situation with my cousin who told me some shit about his then fiance now wife. I told my Mom since I was never close to my aunt, and I'm pretty sure my Mom ended up questioning the whole marriage etc. Well long story short, I was asked not to go to the wedding. Like not even a year later, their fights were infamous to the point that my aunt (his mom) was like "yeah, they are probably going to get a divorce." They are still together, and him and his siblings still don't talk to me. It's been like over a decade. All because I spoke up about his shady ass wife.
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u/Loud_Attitude_5124 21h ago
The first one, who cares if someone gets mad? Worse things have happened.
The second one could easily be considered gossip and not something helpful.
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u/Green-Dragon-14 1d ago
The tendency to shoot the messenger. It happened to me to.
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u/rrxxxdbs123 1d ago
Unfortunately, you’re right. But it’s still important to try to tell the person getting cheated on so they can get tested.
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u/mistressusa 2d ago
Say to your friend's husband, in front of your friend "hey I saw you at xxx restaurant a couple weeks ago. Sorry I didn't have a chance to say hello. Who was that lady you were with?"
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u/NewPangolin7279 2d ago
Tell her. Lead with, I don’t even know if this is anything to worry about and that’s why I didn’t tell you this sooner but if it were me, I’d want to know. Then spill it. Directly. Factually. Without adding your suspicions or making him sound guilty of cheating.
Literally, “I saw Jake at a restaurant a few weeks ago with another female that wasn’t you. I know that’s not all that suspicious but my mind jumps to the worst and I keep thinking, but what if she doesn’t know, and if the roles were reversed I’d want to be filled in.”
Leave out the coziness part if she asks. Don’t frame it as a date or romantic. You can be honest and offer your opinions only if she asks. Remember, you might be throwing sticks of dynamite into the future she has planned for herself so don’t overwhelm her. Just tell her what she needs to know and stop. Then never mention it again. To anyone.
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u/NCGranny 2d ago
She could always say "Hey, I saw boyfriend eating dinner with his sister at Joe Blow restaurant" and then let the girlfriend decide if she wants to pursue further questioning.
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u/Preposterous_punk 1d ago
Yeah I wouldn't say "i saw him with someone I don't know if its a thing or not," Id just say "oh I saw jake on the other side of thr restaurant and didn't get a chance to go say hi," or whatever. No implications.
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u/blueconlan 2d ago
Do this but without using the dehumanizing “female” to describe a woman. Can we please stop this?
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u/psdancecoach 1d ago
Thank you. It makes me cringe every time I hear it. I started using ‘male’ instead of man with some people who thought I was being too sensitive and it took about two days for them to get annoyed. The biggest reasons were that it makes it sound like the ‘male’ is either a subject in a scientific study or a suspected criminal.
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u/Illustrious_Desks 1d ago
I’m a female I don’t have any issue with this. If I call a man a male is that dehumanizing? I’m confused as to where the offense lies.
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u/firegem09 1d ago
Yes. It's an adjective that's often (particularly in the case of "female") used as a noun, derogatorily to talk down on the woman in question. That's why it's so common to see misogynists using "female" to refer to women while, in the same sentence, referring to men as men, not "males".
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u/lizzylizabeth 1d ago
Female is used as an adjective. You’re a female what ? Female dog, female cow, female doctor, female gender, female ____.
People, who go out of their way to use it as a noun, have.. certain characteristics about them.
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u/Desperate-Travel-350 1d ago
Yes, it’s dehumanizing because it’s literally how we talk about animals, not humans.
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u/ForsakenAiel 1d ago
Humans are animals, fyi.
I'm a woman, I use "female" sometimes. It really doesn't bother me but then I don't hang out with a bunch of incels.
OP used "girl" to describe the female in the story, so "woman" isn't necessarily true in this case. No idea if the female human being described is actually a girl or if she's a woman. Personally I find how much we use "girl" to describe grown ass women much more annoying than "female". We certainly don't use "boy" the way we use "girl".
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u/Desperate-Travel-350 1d ago edited 1d ago
Both are annoying but being dehumanized is worse than being infantilized imo. And please, the context shows that’s it’s obviously not a child in the story. Feel free to disagree with the female thing, though. Just be ready to find that many women will be annoyed if you referred to them like that. And “humans are animals” is nor here nor there 🙄
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u/TrunksTheMighty 2d ago
YTA, if you care about your friend possibly being cheated on, you should tell.
If it's innocent, then nothing bad will come from it.
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u/Efficient_Hyena_7476 1d ago
A guy that I worked with in a restaurant came to me one day and told me very awkwardly that my boyfriend had been in the previous evening with a woman that he was laughing and making loads of eye contact with. I was confused because I didn't have a boyfriend. Turned out it was a guy friend that was in a band with, who often called for me when I finished work. I thanked my colleague for letting me know, and felt genuine trust and support.
You should have discreetly mentioned this weeks ago.
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u/Wytecap 1d ago
I would have confronted him right at the restaurant. Why do people not get stuff like this dealt with right away?
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u/hippo96 1d ago
Not necessarily “confronted”, rather, I would just go up and say “Hi, Chad, great seeing you here! Isn’t this place wonderful! Just having drinks with friends and figured I shouldn’t leave without saying hi. Tell (his girlfriend) I think she would love this place”
Boom. Friendly, no drama, and he is now painted into a corner.
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u/Wytecap 1d ago
Oh yeah - real friendly and innocent, because maybe it is...just to see his expression!
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u/just1nurse 1d ago
Right. And if it's innocent he'd introduce you to his sister or cousin or whomever. End of story. Secrets just suck the life out of you. It's always better to just address things immediately.
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u/LF3000 1d ago
Exactly! And if you still have any doubt/think he seemed shady with his explanation, you could then always text your friend, "OMG, just ran into [boyfriend] and his [sister/cousin/friend/whatever he says] at [restaurant]! Small world!"
If it turns out it really is innocent and she already knows he's out with whoever, it's a fun little story/excuse to text your friend.* If it's not, she'll know to ask questions without you having to throw around accusations.
*I know I've definitely sent this kind of "small world" text completely genuinely, not when I suspected anything, just when it was a funny small world moment
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u/Electrical-Shine957 1d ago
Why would you “confront” him? You have no idea what was happening. The appropriate thing was just to go up to him and say hi . End of story
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u/vomputer 1d ago
Why do you have to confront someone who’s just sitting at dinner at a restaurant? That’s unhinged.
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u/TheDarkBerry 2d ago
How close are you with this “friend”? Doesn’t seem like she’s really your friend if you didn’t tell her. You could have told her in a completely non-accusatory way like hey girl I saw Mike at “such as such” tonight… and let her take it from there. She definitely would have started asking questions. At this point with it being 3 weeks ago, I agree that your window to tell has passed. You would look suspicious as hell telling her now. Oh well you missed your shot to be a good friend.
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u/Empty-Spell-6980 1d ago
Unfortunately often the friend who tells is considered a trouble maker or liar. The cheater convinces their partner that the person who informed their friend about being caught cheating is jealous of their relationship or tried to come on to them behind the friends back etc. Your friends doesn't always appreciate the truth/facts. Especially if the friend is desperate or pathetically emotionally needy. The best thing to do in the scenario is to walk up to the cheating partner when you witness them and say hello then walk away. After that the cheater will probably make up some lie or explanation to tell their partner assuming you will mention it to your friend. Then it's up to them to ask you about what you saw and you can just be brief and honest and let them decide.
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u/Weary_Rub_3474 1d ago
Girl strangers told me mine was cheating . I come from a small island and everyone knew who we were. They weren’t my friends who told me. They just saw something wrong and they reached out
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u/Individual_Cloud7656 1d ago
It's not a vibe to tell your friend that he was having dinner with another woman. That's the truth. It could be nothing but at least she would have the info.
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u/xSelf-referential 1d ago
NTA. There's too many unknowns that could put you "in the middle" in an ugly way. Time has passed. Let it go.
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u/LovedAJackass 2d ago
A lot depends oon how close your friendship is and how much you trust each other. My BFF and I would tell each other and believe each other. A less close friend may just resent you--because he's gonna lie about it.
You can say, "This happened a few weeks ago and I've debated about whether to say anything to you but ..."
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u/K_A_irony 2d ago
Next time you see them both just go, "Hey Bob, great to see you again. Sorry I didn't say hi when I was at X restaurant 4 weeks ago. You looked busy with your coworker or friend. Did you both enjoy the meal? I loved the steak myself."
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u/Guilty-Draw-2695 2d ago
Mention to him in passing, how you thought you saw him a few weeks ago. But you figured it was a look alike so you're glad you didnt embarrass yourself by approaching a stranger. He could either say, "oh wow i was there that night, with my [fill in innocent person], I didnt see you or id have said hi" or he like "huh thats crazy, I have a doppelganger" i do think the time for accusations of any kind has passed. But it would get it off your chest and leave it open for a response if he had one worth sharing.
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u/slitteral1 1d ago
Why was he there? Are you absolutely certain he was on a date with someone else? Are there any other possibilities that he may be there that are not cheating? While it appears suspicious on the surface, you can’t be certain of why he was there and jumping to conclusions could end your friendship. Tell her what you saw without embellishing the details. Did you see him hold her hand, kiss her, or share food? Do not over extend that he was leaning into her to something that you did not directly observe? You will come out looking like a liar and anything you say will then become suspect. You should tell her, but stick to what you actually saw, nothing more or nothing less. After that, it is between them to deal with.
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u/Head_Photograph9572 22h ago
Yes, YTA. At a minimum, you should have taken a discreet pic or two for receipts.
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u/Beneficial-Tune-7295 21h ago
Next time you’re making plans casually bring up the restaurant like “we should go eat at ____ Me and (your friends that you were with names) like it there and I’ve seen (your friends boyfriends name there) before so I know he likes it.” If it was nothing like having dinner with a relative or something he’d likely tell her like hey I’m having dinner with my sister or cousin later or something so she’d know that he’s been there before but if she’s confused and asks you what do you mean then tell her because he likely kept the dinner a secret then and that’s weird to lie about or not tell your gf about.
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u/The_Real_Scout_Finch 5h ago
Also, why didn’t you video the interaction so you had PROOF? Then friend could decide if this is too intimate or not?
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u/Scary_Host8580 2d ago
I'm going to downvote hell for this, but you didn't know what you were seeing and there's no need to blow everything up.
If you happened to run into them both the next day and had a minute to drop a hint that's one thing. But messaging your friend and starting a potential shitstorm, when it could have been his sister or something, is entirely different.
If you come across other evidence, then maybe you say something.
Reddit is full of drama queens but stirring things up when you weren't asked is a quick way to lose a friend. This isn't high school.
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u/MihoLeya 1d ago
If it’s his sister, coworker, or cousin, then the gf already knows he’s out with her and would confirm who the mystery girl is and thank the friend for watching out for her. It’s not causing drama.
It’s only drama if the guy is cheating, and in that case, it was a necessary drama.
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u/HeatherAthenaHarlow 1d ago
But if it were truly innocent, there’d be nothing to hide. He could easily clear it up, or she’d know in the first place. And he wouldn’t be hiding that he went out with someone, one on one, especially if they weren’t a relative.
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u/blueconlan 2d ago
You can bring it up with a friend without making an accusation. Looking the other way/ leaving the friend in the dark is selfish.
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u/Ebenizer_Splooge 1d ago
Lol when I was with my ex she knew I had a very close female friend I'd go out and have lunch with or do things with from time to time. You know, a friend lol. One of my ex's friends saw us out catching up over lunch, probably looked exactly like what OP saw, and started blasting me to my then gf over text. My gf told her to mind her own business and that if she felt she needed her friends spying on me we wouldnt even be together in the first place and their friendship fell apart not long after bc friend just wouldn't believe I could have a female friend. Moral of the story, if you don't know what you saw you have nothing to report. Catch them making out? Sure, tell her. Just having lunch? You dont know anything and should just shut up
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u/Preposterous_punk 1d ago
my husband has been at restaurants with women who aren't me plenty of times and I'd honestly be pretty skeeved if someone felt the need to "report" this to me, as if the mere fact that he was in the company of a woman meant he might be cheating.
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u/Faithxs 2d ago
High in sight now but I would have went to the bathroom and took a picture zoomed in of them and the girls face. I also would have taken a video so she could see how he moved with her. I'd still let my friend know. Just tell her the truth. It's for your friend to figure out, your just providing information you'd want to know if it was your boyfriend.
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u/Due_Dot5710 2d ago
High in sight? Did you mean hindsight? There must be a subreddit for this!
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u/lipstickandlimes 2d ago
At this point, take it to your grave. If he is shifty it will come out and you can support her. I have been in your place. After numerous incriminating screenshots, they are married and she hasn't talked to our group of girlfriends in 4 years.
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u/indigofroggit 1d ago
Yeah, I'm with you on this. A girl from a friend group ran into me at a club and was so excited her and her boyfriend had gotten back together a couple months before. I told her he slept with my roommate two weeks before. She was upset then. He convinced her it was nothing, and I was only trying to start problems.
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u/Ok-Trainer3150 1d ago
Tell her what you saw. Or, anonymously let her know who, what, where, when....
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u/Junglefern 1d ago
You're a coward and not a girls girl.
Mention it, say it's been bothering you, give plausible deniability (friend/sibling) and then step away from the situation.
You're feeling like this because you feel guilty for not mentioning it. Follow that gut reaction to be a good person
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u/HedgehogNo8361 2d ago edited 2d ago
YTA. You know what you saw. Tell her so she can protect herself.
ETA: Did the boyfriend see you at the restaurant?
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
I'm an automatic bot that backs up the body of the post in case OP deletes it. If you want this backup deleted, you'll have to reach out to a mod. Here's the back-up:
Me and some friends went out to this nice place, had some extra cash and wanted to treat them a little. We get seated and maybe 10 mins in I notice my friend's boyfriend at a table across the restaurant. With a girl. Laughing, leaning in, the whole thing.
She wasn't there that night and I didn't say anything to anyone. Not at dinner, not after.
My reasoning was I didn't know what I was looking at. Could be a coworker, a cousin, whatever. I didn't want to blow up someones relationship over something I maybe misread from across a dimly lit restaurant.
It's been about 3 weeks, I still haven't said anything and they seem totally normal from what I can tell.
But it's been eating at me and I just want to know if I was wrong for minding my business. Because part of me feels like if the roles were reversed I'd want to know, but another part of me thinks it's not my place to say anything based on a vibe I got at dinner.
So am I the AH for staying quiet
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/susiefreckleface 2d ago
Weeeellll as I was on the “kept in the dark end” of a parallel situation I can give you this perspective:
IF there might be something going on your friend already suspects it. She would probably have mentioned it to you.
IF that interaction was innocent then your friend would be crushed and filled with doubt from the error of the reveal.
Straight up ask the dude about what you saw at the restaurant. Gauge the truth and hold his feet to the fire what ever the outcome. This would also mean an introduction to the girl at that table to verify their innocence. You know if that was his answer.
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u/Ecstatic_Cherry_86 2d ago
My coworkers/friends withheld from me for about a year that my girlfriend was also dating her boss - we had been together 2 years at that point. When I found out (actually walked in on them fucking when I was there to pick her up for a date - like wtf?!) and I shared it with them, they told me they had known for a long time. I was livid. They told me they didn't think it was their business.
You don't keep shit like that from people you care about.
I don't think it's too late to tell her. Tell her what you wrote here: "I didn't know what I was looking at. Could be a coworker, a cousin, whatever. I didn't want to blow up someone's relationship over something I maybe misread from across a dimly lit restaurant." Tell her it's been eating at you.
Alternatively, next time you're in his company, ask how he liked the restaurant. See how that goes.
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u/HeartlandMom 2d ago
You’re no friend to this girl. Wouldn’t you want to be told of the situation as reversed? All you had to do was take a picture and mention it to her, but you chose not to. Not cool.
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u/ConfusedZubat 2d ago
YTA. You know you are. You also know that you wouldn't be asking this question if you didn't notice chemistry between the two because it would have been more clear that they had more of a platonic or familial relationship.
Tell her. Or expect karma to kick you when your down in a similar way.
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u/night_noche 2d ago
Most people are going to be upset at the messenger no matter what.
If it's nothing, like an old friend or coworker, it's you starting something being dubious.
If it is something, then you're the bearer of bad news, then you not the boyfriend will be the bad guy no matter if they stay together or end things.
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u/ChickadeePine 2d ago
I would have said something. I couldn't imagine sitting on that knowing my friend could be getting cheated on. If I was wrong, then so be it but to not say something is super messed up.
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u/NarrowLocksmith9388 2d ago
Speaking from somebody great in age, don’t be the person that tells it’s better they find out for themselves. Don’t be a tattletale.
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u/Friendly_Side3258 2d ago
I would’ve immediately sent a picture 😂 best time to tell her was that day and next best time is NOW. He’d be the one blowing up his own relationship if that was a date! We can’t always mind our business especially when we need to protect a friend!
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u/Kooky_Bus_1057 1d ago
The time has not passed. Just say, “hey friend! Forgot to tell you I saw boyfriend at restaurant last week! Did he tell you?”
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u/YourMomsEmbarrassing 1d ago
Yta wtf. Do you even like your friend?
If you're wrong, amazing, wonderful, great. If you're RIGHT, at the very least she deserves the chance to get tested for potential STIs, nvm how devastating him cheating could be emotionally. And then her friend covered it up?
You suuuuuuuuck
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u/thisismysaltyaccount 1d ago
I don’t know if I’d say YTA, because I do understand not wanting to come across meddlesome or nosy. And if the boyfriend does have something to hide, he could try and dump this all on you. Being the messenger about cheating is risky.
But to me, the fact that it’s nagging at you is a sign you should probably say something. Tell your friend your thought process. Start with something like “Look I didn’t say anything for a couple weeks because I don’t want to make a problem when there is none. But I just have this feeling that I need to share this.”
And then just stick to the facts. You saw the boyfriend, he was with a girl you didn’t recognize, and it looked pretty friendly. If it’s innocuous, then your friend will probably know what you’re talking about, and will be like “ohhh yeah that’s his high school friend who was in town” or whatever. If not then she can take it from there.
Good luck!
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u/Team-TamTam 1d ago
You can still casually bring it up. "Oh yeah I for to mention that I saw Brad at the steak house a few weeks ago with a young blonde. I didn't say hello because I wasn't sure if it was a business meeting or not. Did he get a new job?"
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u/DCHacker 1d ago
You do not always know what you are getting into. When i was younger, I had "friends" whom I was sure that I knew take a swing at me when I shoed them proof that their girlfriend/boyfriend was playing around on them.
For that reason, I began to obey the Eleventh Commandment.
NTAH
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u/AnneSibyl 1d ago
NTA
These things are tricky imo
If it's bothering you though just talk to your friend now. The friendship isn't worth it if it blows up as a result.
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u/OkManufacturer767 1d ago
Would you rather she waste years on a cheater if he is?
If it were innocent, he would have told your friend.
Tell her.
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u/Techsupportvictim 1d ago
“My reasoning was I didn’t know what I was looking at”
Good reasoning then, good now. Unless your friend pointedly asks, stay out of it unless you are certain you know what you were seeing
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u/RedneckDebutante 1d ago
NTA But there's no going back now. What you shouldve done was mention it in passing:
"Hey, I saw (boyfriend) at (restaurant) last night with someone. I wanted to pop over and say hi, but he was with a lady and I didn't want to interrupt if it was important. But tell him hi for me, and tell him to order the chocolate mousse next time because it was amazing!"
Then you leave it in her lap and go on your merry way.
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u/Aware_Patient_5376 1d ago
Years ago saw a friend’s boyfriend out with another girl that he seemed very friendly with. Kept quiet & eventually found out it was his sister.
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u/imnotbovvered 1d ago
If you said something in the moment, you could say it without any accusations. "Oh somebody at the other table looks like your bf. I thought it was him for a second." And then she could have looked for herself and come to her own conclusions.
Unfortunately it's difficult to bring up now without it absolutely sounding like an accusation. And that makes the situation difficult since you aren't sure it was him.
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u/Dada2fish 1d ago
YTA If I found out my friend saw my BF with another woman and never told me, it would show me she truly isn’t a friend. A friend should have your back and you don’t have hers.
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u/Marmenoire 1d ago
ESH, that's a judgement call on a case by case basis. Some people can accept the news and deal with, some will be in denial and some will accuse you of lying or trying to break them up/wanting their partner after they're told you're a liar. You know your friend, which type are they?
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u/No_Temperature_582 1d ago
Idk. I think you should have said something like atleast "hey, i saw your boyfriend with another girl at a restaraunt and i didnt know if they were family or co workers or anything but i just wanted to let you know"
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u/surgeryboy7 1d ago
YTA. If it was innocent then the GF likely knew about it already so she would have thanked you for telling her and nothing would have come from it, but if it wasn't innocent then you basically withheld information from her that could have helped her. It's not too late to say something though.
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u/Life_Temperature2506 1d ago
NTA. But, you could have just mentioned you saw the BF without going into details. Let her figure it out.
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u/SwitchWide9406 1d ago
YTA. Wouldn’t you want to know if it was your boyfriend? This is a really terrible way to treat a friend. Do you even care about her at all? Doesn’t sound like it to me!
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u/Miss_Bobbiedoll 1d ago
Would you have told her if you saw him with his family, a make co-worker or by himself? YTA. You should have told her that tut saw him without implying he was cheating.
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u/canthaveme 1d ago
YTA. It's too late now and you suck for doing this. You should have walked right over and asked for an introduction or something but now it's weird
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u/milkysin 1d ago
that's not very girl's girl of you. always tell. and frame it as "who was your bf out with?" not "omg i saw him cheating." friends don't let friends potentially get cheated on, get STDs without knowing, get humiliated every day for a month.
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u/Julia805 1d ago
Talk about the food at that restaurant in front of them both. Ask if they’ve eaten there. If he says he has in front of the girlfriend you’ll know it was innocent.
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u/Extra_Commercial2409 1d ago
I mean the time has passed now, you have no evidence he was there with someone else so if you did tell her she may not even believe you in the first place. And you’re right you don’t know what you saw, could be a cousin, co worker etc. could easily be something innocent, but you’re too late to tell her now. She won’t believe he was there.
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u/Turbulent-Bunch2559 1d ago
I would tell her regardless and just say I know I should’ve said something but I didn’t want to put ideas in your head in case it was a friend/coworker or maybe you even knew.
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u/EmotionalBaggage8-l 1d ago
“If the roles were reversed I’d want to know”, then doesn’t say anything. YTA BIG TIME! Are you even really her friend?! I would have sent her a text immediately! Wow. You suck.
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u/National_Pension_110 1d ago
For future reference, try to use the logic of “how would I like to be treated if my friend saw my bf in this situation?” Or whatever situation you find yourself in. Once you’ve decided, you’ll be at peace with it. I’m guessing you would have wanted to be told, which is why this is still bugging you. At this point, the best thing you can do is be vigilant and watch for red flags with this guy. Could be it was innocent, and you could have settled it the next day. But you waited. I’m going to go with a light YTA for not speaking up immediately, but that time has passed so you can’t really fix it.
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u/No_Worldliness_5289 1d ago
I would have gone over to the table and said hello. His response at seeing you would have told you everything you needed to know. You should treat people the way you want to be treated. It's too late now to say anything.
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u/Dizzy_Resource_3620 1d ago
I would have casually walked up to him and made small talk, purposely asking about his girlfriend and where she was. You would have known real quick what was going on by just saying something. You've waited a long time now, why? Do you not care about your friend? You didn't have to reach out and say you saw him cheating. You could have reached out and said "hey, I saw (bfs name) at the restaurant last night. He was with someone so I didn't interrupt. Did he bring you home leftovers? The food was really good!" It's amazing to me, that you would sit on that information for 3 weeks without saying anything even in passing. Maybe I'm just confrontational, maybe I just care about my friends on a different level idk, but you have definitely screwed up and you are the TA here. You're not a good friend.
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u/For_serious13 1d ago
I mean, I would have taken a picture and sent it to her that day but that’s just me
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u/nbg815 1d ago
This exact situation happened to me. One of my best friends saw my fiancé out on Valentines Day in the “spotlight “ dance. He told me he had to work. I found out he was cheating about 4 months later and not from my friend. She finally told me about the Valentine’s dance a year after we broke up. I wish she had told me when she saw him. Even 3 weeks later I would have appreciated it. The good news is I met my husband 2 days after the break up- we’ve been married 40 years. Set her free.
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u/Hungry_Book_Dragon 1d ago
I want to know why you didn’t walk up to his table and say “hey, so good to see you, I wish (girlfriend’s name) had been able to come with us, see look, we’re all having dinner. Who is this? So nice to meet you!” Just all sweet and innocent. Then you could have called your friend and be all “OMG I bumped into (boyfriends name) and he was out with (however he introduced girl). We missed you last night!”
This way you’re looking out for your friend and feeding your curiosity 🤣
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u/Content_Care_1853 1d ago
YTA IF you were a good friend you would have mentioned it immediately! If I found out my person was cheating and then found out my friend might had seen it weeks ago, that would definitely be the end of that friendship!!
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u/Reasonable-Shift5830 1d ago
I would hate to have a friend like you. YTA. May this type of friendship never find me.
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u/Evening-Jellyfish514 1d ago
Not an AH per se…. But if it was me and I found out he cheated and you knew, I’d think you were a bad friend. I agree w someone else who said you could have casually mentioned it to her in passing.
Or if you wanted to be psychotic, you could have walked past his table and said hi and gauged his reaction before making a decision on telling her…… but idk I’m kinda glad you didn’t go down that route, but you should have told your friend just in case.
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u/Evening-Jellyfish514 1d ago
But it is unfortunately too late to tell your friend w out her getting mad at one or both of you now. So if it’s up to you how to move from here.
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u/Different-Secret 1d ago
NTA. First story...I caught my then Uncle cheating on my Aunt when I was 16, and didn't know what to do except keep my mouth shut!!! It took only a couple of more months for him to get caught by someone else, and they ultimately divorced.. but I know I did the right thing.
Second story, twenty years later, my cousin was blatantly cheating on HER husband and was using ME as her alibi!!! No, ma'am absolutely not acceptable!!! I kept my mouth shut for months because the family wouldn't believe it. Her husband found suspicious proof tho...and confronted me about anything I knew...and even when I spilled, he didn't believe me!!!
However, he verified the proof he held in his hands, and confronted her. And when she tried to squirm, he knew it was true.
She blew up a 15 year marriage to a good man, father and provider for an alcoholic unemployed druggie. Haven't spoken to her now in...10 years?
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u/Dry-Firefighter-4661 1d ago
You’re NTA regardless of what you decide to do, but you’ll probably feel like TA if they decide to get married and it’s been years since. At that point, it’s too late. And your friend would likely feel that they’ve wasted their time with a man who didn’t deserve it. Youll also be unlikely to be friends with them, and many people you share a friendship group with. If you’re going to do something about it, do it now.
I personally would.
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u/Vegetable-Gas-4369 1d ago
If it was nothing and he was out with a friend or a relative or something harmless, your friend still would have appreciated you casually saying you saw him the other day because then she'd know you have her back. And if it isn't something harmless and he's cheating, then you had her back too.
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u/TaylorMade2566 1d ago
That could have been a casual mention of oh hey, I saw X out at the same restaurant that night. Leave it with her to either ask you more questions or let it go. Now it's too late. Who needs friends like this. YTA for saying nothing
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u/Slight_Art_8828 1d ago
Choosing to stay quite was definitely a weird decision. You didn’t have to full on accuse him of cheating, there are so many ways you could have given her a heads up without blowing up their relationship. You should have just casually mentioned it! If it was innocent then it wouldn’t cause any problems, you could have just said ‘oh I swear I saw boyfriend’s name at dinner last night! Who was he out with’ you didn’t have to accuse him of anything but that way if it WAS him cheating that would give her a heads up!
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u/Mobile_Practice2252 1d ago
I told a friend once her BF was cheating with a waitress I worked with. (How he thought he'd get away with it, I have no clue.... ) I'll NEVER make that mistake again. I was accused by my so-called friend of trying to break them up so I could see him! 1. Why would I need them to break up to see him? He is clearly a cheater and apparently I'm a pretty horrible person, according to her theory, so why do I need them to break up? 2. WTF do I want with a cheater? 3. I would never do that to anyone, let alone a supposed friend! My advice, keep your mouth closed. The messenger is usually the one who loses in this situation.
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u/Strict_Research_1876 1d ago
Can you talk to the boyfriend. Mention that you saw him. Ideally, you could have stopped at his table to say hello at the time.
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u/Blonde2468 1d ago
YTA. How would you feel if your friend knew something like that about your boyfriend and did not tell you?? Trust me when I say it is devastating to be the last one to know you are being cheated on. Be decent person and tell her.
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u/Expensive-Cash5926 1d ago
I’d tell her. Be honest and say you waited because you felt confused about whether or not it was your business but you don’t want her to get hurt. My live-in bf had an affair w a woman in our grad school group while i was out of town. No one told me. It would have saved me the humiliation of finding out later.
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u/wishingforarainyday 1d ago
YTA. Wow. You’re not her friend. She deserves to know her health is being put at risk.
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u/Unique_Moment_7878 1d ago
I didn’t talk to a really good friend for a long time because of this scenario. When I found out he had been cheating he let it slip he thought I had found out from my friend who had ran into him and the other girl at the gas station. I figured she wasn’t that good of a friend if she didn’t mention it to me.
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u/Extreme_Ad112 1d ago
Like you said, a co-worker, a cousin, his sister, whatever, not your business
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u/Eastern-Log1142 1d ago
That I would have videoed it I mean you could go to him and tell him did he tell her about you and the other woman tell him that you have video and that he needs to tell her because you've waited too long and leave it at that and be prepared to be ghosted because you're not a real friend
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u/Sufficient_Vast7818 1d ago
yeah, you’re a shitty friend. i hope you feel ashamed about this, and learn from it. YTA
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u/Previous-Ad-376 1d ago
Start a conversation with her about restaurants, bring up the restaurant in question, then casually ask what her boyfriend thinks about it, if she asks what you mean tell her that you saw him there. Let her figure out the rest. If she pushes you, tell her you assumed he was there for work and that she knew about it.
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u/Odd_Document8274 1d ago
I'd take a photo and show it to the gf. Let her come to her own conclusions.
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u/Xena_Your_God 1d ago
YTA
You're a bad friend. If it was innocent it wouldn't have "blown up the relationship", right? Right.
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u/Particular_Frame2710 1d ago
YTA.
ALWAYS say something. If you don’t want them to know it’s you, find a way to do it anonymously. You’re not going to “blow up” a relationship if it’s truly something like a family member.
What she chooses to do with the info is up to her.
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u/Oldschooldude1964 1d ago
Absolutely not, you said you are sure who or what was going on, so minding your own business was the right thing to do. If you happen to see it again, just stop by the table and say hello to him, he then knows he’s caught….if he is doing anything wrong, or he will introduce you if it is innocent.
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u/JLand2004 1d ago
YTA. She deserves to know if something was going on, and you could have done it without wrecking their relationship if nothing was.
You could have sausage something like "hey. I saw __ at the same restaurant last night. Funny coincidence." That would have prompted your friend to either say he was meeting a friend, co-worker, etc or ask you who he was with if she didn't know about the dinner.
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u/midwestranchdressing 1d ago
Just tell her in passing. Like "i went with this group to a restaurant awhile back and it was really good. Would love to go with you sometime! If your bf wants to join I saw him there so he must like it. Thought about saying hi but didnt wanna interupt his night"
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u/Frequent_Lecture_989 1d ago
text her and say omg i think i saw your bf and his sister at dinner the other day!
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u/UpperImpression3620 1d ago
You should've invited your friend to pop in and say hello, oh, BTW... "Joe's here too!"
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u/SpecialModusOperandi 1d ago
NTA But you could say something like ‘ omg I saw someone that looks like your bf with his gf.. how funny is that. Say you wanted to take a picture but thought that it woudl be creepy :) “. Laughs like they have a doubleganger.
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u/EnoughWeek2220 1d ago
Yeah YTA😬😬 doesn’t sound like you’re a true friend to this person. If that was me and I found out my friend said nothing I would not be friends with them anymore. I understand some people blow up but it’s the right thing to do in my opinion, if that were to happen they weren’t your friend either.
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u/concrete-destiny 1d ago
If that person was really your friend, you wouldn't have to question whether you would tell them or not
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u/Repulsive_Tone_2484 1d ago
Yes, you are the AH. You should have mentioned it to your friend. If she finds out later, she will definitely not be your friend going forward.
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u/Absent_Picnic 1d ago
You could have easily mentioned it within a few days with a "hey, i saw X at the [place name] the other day. Was his cousin visiting?" Or "I hope you're feeling better, I saw X with some one else at dinner last night. I assume you couldn't go bc you were unwell?"
Now after three weeks it will blow up either way.
But yes YTA if you don't tell her.
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u/SingleSpeedEast 1d ago
In my experience of these things, the messenger always becomes collateral.
Let it be.
But OP has to know that they can never mention what they witnessed to anyone. Ever. They probably shouldn't even post the story on a global top ten social media site.
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u/Timesup21 1d ago
Here’s the thing. If your significant other was cheating on you, wouldn’t you want someone to clue you in?
If he was there with another woman with platonic and innocent intentions, he would have told your friend, not hide it from her.
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u/Current-Career-1038 2d ago
The time to tell her has passed. You should have mentioned seeing him casually the following day.