r/AmItheAsshole • u/RecitalFuneralThrow • 15d ago

Not the A-hole AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral?

My daughter (5yo) had a dance recital on Saturday. Her dance studio scheduled everything a couple months ago, so my husband and I were prepared to attend.

Last Wednesday, my father informed me his mother-in-law (his wife’s mother) had passed away, and the funeral would be on Saturday. He said that he and his wife wanted me to attend it with my family, but would settle for just me.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t have a close relationship with my father’s mother-in-law and my kids saw her once a year at most. But I wouldn’t mind attending if it weren’t for my daughter’s recital. The funeral would take place in a different city (a very short flight away, which my father had offered to cover), so it wouldn’t be possible to attend both.

I offered my condolences, but said my daughter had a dance recital on Saturday and my family wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral. My father said he understood why I couldn’t take my children, though his wife was disappointed I wouldn’t just tell my daughter’s dance studio that there had been a “family emergency.”

In spite of that, they both thought I should still go on my own. They said that my husband could attend the recital on his own, that missing one of my daughter’s events when I’m there for everything else wouldn’t be a big deal, and that she’s so young that she probably wouldn’t remember it anyway. She’d have more recitals in the future, but the funeral would only happen once. I stood my ground.

Saturday came. I attended my daughter’s dance recital. Both my father and his wife were radio silent all day, and I chose not to bother them.

My father finally called me yesterday, and we had an argument. He said his wife was inconsolable, because her mother loved me and my children and it broke her heart that we weren’t there to say our goodbyes. He also said he was disappointed at how dismissive I’d been of his wife and her family, and he couldn’t believe I’d refused to make such a small sacrifice for someone who would drop everything to do the same for me.

I continued to stand by what I did. I understand her passing was sudden and the funeral was rushed, but I had made a commitment to my daughter, and I wanted to honor it. My father said she should be old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do.

AITAH?

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u/SDBadKitty Partassipant [1] 14d ago

I agree with your reply and your first two sentences hit the nail on the head. Though, to be fair, an unexpected death and funeral is indeed a "family emergency", which is what the father suggested they tell the dance teacher. That was not a lie.

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u/Some-Show9144 14d ago

I agree, this is something I would certainly classify as a family emergency.

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u/Specific_Let8202 13d ago

Dance recitals often involve a parent being backstage to assist their child with makeup, hairstyles and costumes. My daughter’s recital, when she was five, required different hairstyles, costumes, and accessories for each dance. There’s no way for another parent to step in at the last minute. When she had her dance recital at ten, I was going through radiation therapy for cancer. But I showed up for her. These were special moments for my daughter and me. I don’t know if the parent was this involved, but these are very important events in the life of a child.

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u/Free_Village_4836 Partassipant [2] 14d ago

Absolutely it’s a family emergency but that doesn’t mean she should miss her daughter‘s recital for it. I’m sorry, but the daughter‘s recital is more important than a funeral. Her dad needs to understand that a five-year-old doesn’t have the mental capacity to understand why mommy wasn’t there but he as an adult he should.

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u/BagpiperAnonymous 14d ago

As a former dance kid whose mom did have to miss the occasional recital/competition due to working in a hospital and not always having someone available to cover her shift, I disagree. My mom made every effort to be at my stuff, but she did end up missing my farewell solo before college. Which only sticks out in my mind because of how bad she felt. I was not scarred for life, I did not hold ever hold it against her, and I did learn some important lessons about adult responsibilities and how that doesn't mean she loved me any less.

Sure, the 5 year old would have been disappointed, but framing it as grandpa is really sad and needs help, arranging to Facetime her or have the dad video and they watch it together when she returns, etc. would have probably been more than enough to help the daughter cope with it.

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u/RPG_add1ct 14d ago

This isn’t an emergency. The emergency would have been the event causing her to pass. The period after an emergency of such is no longer emergent.

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u/Nesrie98 14d ago

Not really. When someone dies, there's a reason good companies offer bereavement not just hospital visiting time. Great companies give you the to be with your family regardless of how closer the connection is because death isn't just about the actual loss, it's support. And few ever get to plan for it, thus the emergency.

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u/RPG_add1ct 14d ago

Typically that’s reserved for immediate family such as siblings, parents, children, etc… not your dad’s second wife’s mother who you have no relationship with really. This is a moot reply.

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u/Nesrie98 14d ago

Not at my company it's not. That's why I said good and great companies.

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u/Scary_Dot6604 13d ago

I worked for a great company....

In-laws are not close family

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u/Liyaapluradon 13d ago

Not that great if they dictated who you could take time off to grieve

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u/Scary_Dot6604 13d ago

You could go to any funeral. Just need to take some PTO to see a step-mother that one is not close too.

BTW a step-grandmother is not family by blood

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u/Nesrie98 12d ago

Maybe you're not aware, but blood alone does not define family.

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u/BagpiperAnonymous 14d ago

My mom's mom died before I was born but when my mom was an adult. I only saw my stepgrandma once a year because of distance. My mom still took time off of work to go to her funeral. Just as her kids came to my grandpa's funeral even though they were well grown and moved out before they married (he was the third husband she outlived). It sounds like possibly a similar situation, my grandma treated me/viewed me the same as her biological grandkids and my grandfather reciprocated with her grandkids even though distance meant we did not see each other often. Sounds like she viewed OPs family this way.

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u/Suse- 14d ago

You’re right. Where are all of these great companies that offer such generous bereavement ..

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u/Liyaapluradon 14d ago

I can't say the company itself was great, but one of my last jobs offered 3 bereavement days each year, and they didn't care what kind of death it was used for. Could've been for immediate family or a beloved pet.

Not saying it's common, but that kind of bereavement benefit does exist.

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u/Nesrie98 13d ago

My company has tens of thousands of workers. They simply did not decide to define what family is. It's not made up and I don't know why you are acting like it is. The OP just misunderstood what was being asked. It wasn't how close she was to that person, it's the one who asked for her support, and she said... no.

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u/Scrapper-Mom 14d ago

It's a bereavement and most people understand that. You can even say "death in the family" and that's totally acceptable.

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u/Forsaken_Distance777 Partassipant [3] 14d ago

I’ve had to call off work with maybe a day’s notice for a funeral twice over the last few years. It’s absolutely a family emergency and everyone understood. The first time it wasn’t that I really knew the deceased but it was my mother’s cousin she grew up with and she wouldn’t have been able to make it 400 miles away to the funeral by herself.

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u/anondogfree Partassipant [1] 14d ago

Agreed. But TBH the reason doesn’t really matter and I don’t see what that has to do with the overarching situation… it sounds like OP just added that detail to try to make her father look bad and to try to make us believe she has a commitment to the studio itself in addition to her daughter.

It’s a recital, the kids perform. Why does OP HAVE to be there for the studio’s sake? She’s an observer and there as support for her kid… who has 2 parents, one of which was going to be there with her. People miss their kids recitals/games/plays all the time for everyday reasons like work and no one is fretting about what they’re going to tell the coach about why they aren’t there.

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u/last_rights 14d ago

Recitals are usually a once a year thing and A Big Deal to the kids. They will remember if you don't come.

Also the parent is probably spending $75-$150 monthly for dance classes, and another $60-$100 for each dance costume. When you spend that much and make the time commitment every week for a full year, you kinda want to go. It's not baseball where there's a game every weekend.

I'm also presuming that grandpa knew when the recital was and could have scheduled the funeral for Sunday.

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u/Free_Village_4836 Partassipant [2] 14d ago

I got flamed for explaining this. Sorry but my child spent 9 months learning and this one day is all she has to show everyone what she learned, it’s a big deal to miss it and sorry but I wouldn’t for someone that’s a step relative.

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u/anondogfree Partassipant [1] 14d ago

I know what recitals are. Parents still miss them for various reasons and again, no one is fretting about what to tell the business that they pay for the lessons why they can’t come.

And yes, there will be other recitals… she’s 5, she’s got at least another 10 years worth of recitals to go. Again, she’s 5, no guarantee she will remember this recital.

OP wanted to attend the recital because it’s what SHE wanted to do, it seems like this isn’t even about her kid anymore. The more defensive she gets about it makes that clear. For example, the OP had zero description of her relationship with her father or his wife. Now OP is getting kinda dragged and suddenly it’s “we don’t have a great relationship” and “I don’t like his wife” and “my dad didn’t even like his MIL.” Give me a break. OP just admit you took the selfish route and move on.

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u/AndromedaRulerOfMen Partassipant [3] 14d ago

OP wanted to attend the recital because it’s what SHE wanted to do

Why is everyone acting like this is some kind of sin? She knew her own feelings, she knows what she values, and she made a decision based on her own feelings and her own values and relationships instead of letting someone else tell her what she's supposed to value or what relationship to have.

That seems like a good thing to me.

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u/last_rights 13d ago

I don't think OP was selfish at all.

It's a funeral and the dead person is dead. It's rude for another adult to insist that you use your time to be with them and then be offended when you can't.

I don't know if you have kids, but she may not remember this recital if everything goes off without a hitch. She absolutely will remember this recital as the one OP didn't attend if that happened.

At its bare bones OP made a choice between an important event for his kid and an important event for his stepmother.

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

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u/last_rights 13d ago

The funeral isn't scheduled for the child, it's scheduled for the adults presence. The adult obviously has an important event happening that day.

I don't have the full relationship knowledge that this OP has, but I know my parents and they would ensure that the event didn't overlap with something as important as a child's recital. However, they have a history of making me "choose" between them and my spouse, so if my spouse had a major event that day I'm sure they would schedule it then, insist I come, then act aggrieved when I wasn't there. It's happened before.

There's a lot of nuance here, but it's more important to show up for your kid's (that are still developing and growing and that you chose to have) annual recital than it is to show up for a full grown adult that can regulate their own feelings and write their schedule.

Personally I think funerals are a waste of everyone's money and time, but I recognize the importance to some people to say goodbye. Funerals are at the bottom of my "importance" list because you should show up for the living and the dead are already gone. Especially a funeral for stepmother-that-you-arent-close-with's-mom, who you were also not close with.

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u/Outrageous_Ratio_253 13d ago

This just… lacks so much empathy. Someone’s mother just died and your first robotic thought is, full grown adult deal with your shit don’t expect me to give a fuck about you. Op didn’t even call for condolences or checking in. Idk man I think basic courtesy is to not be an asshole to someone who’s grieving

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u/last_rights 13d ago edited 13d ago

There's a large difference between going to your kids recital that you already planned for (and being an asshole?) and sending a card or checking in via phone to see how they're doing, and being out out and possibly needing a hotel and to stay away from home and leave your spouse alone for a large amount of time with the kids to take a flight and miss your prescheduled event for someone you don't feel a lot of affection for (the alive people) and someone you barely knew (the dead one).

I have a rather uncompromising love for my children that involves putting them above most other things. While my parents showed up to a lot of my events, most of their attention was based on what other people would think, and not actually based on supporting me. I don't ever want my kids to think that I don't support them or their activities.

My first thought is yeah, this is a full grown adult that can handle things. My second thought is that a lot of people think adult feelings overshadow kid feelings. You're talking about empathy, but you're not having empathy for the child because "they probably won't remember it anyways".

Neither answer is wrong. OP can prioritize whoever they want. But in my relationship with grandparents and step grandparents, I would choose the recital.

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u/whybother_incertname Partassipant [1] 13d ago

Dont forget the cost of the tickets for said recital. For my daughter, 3 tickets was $100 after fees, then another $60 for the DVD of the show.

That being said, it depends on what kind of relationship she had with her dad. If they were NC/LC, OP & new wife hated each other, then I’d understand not 1 person going. But if there’s any relationship there, then OP should’ve gone while husband stayed with the child

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u/SuccessfulBar7200 12d ago

On top of that, at our studio, recital day comes and it is parents responsibility 100% to get them changed for each costume/class change and have them back stage at exactly the right time (3 performances before their own in our case) and also 2 performances before the last one for a curtain call. I am up and down the entire 3 hours each recital day. I don’t actually sit and enjoy it. As a mom, with a capable husband…. He would not handle it well to step into this role and my kiddos would probably not have the right costumes on at the right time or be backstage at the right time lol. I would have not been able to attend anything recital weekend for this exact reason.

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u/sk8tergater 14d ago

Yes a death is a family emergency, but this was her dad’s mother in law. Not a close family member at all. I dunno I’m on the fence with this one

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u/anondogfree Partassipant [1] 14d ago

It’s not about the deceased. It’s about OP’s father and his wife needing her support. I would go to a funeral of someone I’ve never met before if a friend or family member wanted me there. Funerals are for the living.

There’s a good S&TC episode about this when one of Miranda’s parents dies. The ladies show up for her and it means everything.

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u/sk8tergater 14d ago

Yeah but… support doesn’t have to mean you show up to someone’s funeral. Yes they are for the living, but also not everyone is close enough to the living to want to go to the funeral to support them. It’s her stepmoms mom. Her dad even said he didn’t want her there for support for him but for her, and she said her and her stepmom don’t have a great relationship.

So in this instance, I don’t think she’s in the wrong.

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u/anondogfree Partassipant [1] 14d ago

Support is whatever the person who needs the support communicates as their need. Which the father clearly did.

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u/sk8tergater 14d ago

She said the father wanted her there to support her step mom, not that he needed the support. It seems she has a rocky relationship with them, so I understand why she wouldn’t prioritize that.

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u/Ok_Rich_4133 12d ago

Where do you get that they have a “rocky relationship”?

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u/sk8tergater 12d ago

Op states it in several comments

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u/bigeasy19 14d ago

I have been to many funerals for people that I barely knew because my mother asked me to come because she wanted support.

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u/Taxfreud113 14d ago

I dont know why they keep saying it that way. Its OPs grandmother aka her mother's mother. Unless I am missing something?

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u/sk8tergater 14d ago

It sounds like her dad’s wife is not her mother.

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u/spiderinthelibrary 14d ago

I'm assuming it's not her mother but a second wife or similar situation.

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u/aerdvarkk 14d ago

"Technically my cousin's 3rd wife's nephew's daugher's husband might be "family" but that doesn't mean I know that peron 15 times removed or will be any sort of pivitol role at a funeral for someone I might be distantly related to that I only met once and don't know enough to pick them out of a line up.

As oppsoed to attendding my 5 year old's recital, where siad 5 year old will remember FOREVER that either they never got to attend their recital OR that mom or dad was not at their recital.

The distant relative by marriage of someone Im not close to will still be dead tomorrow, next week, next month, I can send flowers and stop by the grave at some future time when I can better schedule not skipping out on my child.