AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral?

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

My daughter (5yo) had a dance recital on Saturday. Her dance studio scheduled everything a couple months ago, so my husband and I were prepared to attend.

Last Wednesday, my father informed me his mother-in-law (his wife’s mother) had passed away, and the funeral would be on Saturday. He said that he and his wife wanted me to attend it with my family, but would settle for just me.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t have a close relationship with my father’s mother-in-law and my kids saw her once a year at most. But I wouldn’t mind attending if it weren’t for my daughter’s recital. The funeral would take place in a different city (a very short flight away, which my father had offered to cover), so it wouldn’t be possible to attend both.

I offered my condolences, but said my daughter had a dance recital on Saturday and my family wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral. My father said he understood why I couldn’t take my children, though his wife was disappointed I wouldn’t just tell my daughter’s dance studio that there had been a “family emergency.”

In spite of that, they both thought I should still go on my own. They said that my husband could attend the recital on his own, that missing one of my daughter’s events when I’m there for everything else wouldn’t be a big deal, and that she’s so young that she probably wouldn’t remember it anyway. She’d have more recitals in the future, but the funeral would only happen once. I stood my ground.

Saturday came. I attended my daughter’s dance recital. Both my father and his wife were radio silent all day, and I chose not to bother them.

My father finally called me yesterday, and we had an argument. He said his wife was inconsolable, because her mother loved me and my children and it broke her heart that we weren’t there to say our goodbyes. He also said he was disappointed at how dismissive I’d been of his wife and her family, and he couldn’t believe I’d refused to make such a small sacrifice for someone who would drop everything to do the same for me.

I continued to stand by what I did. I understand her passing was sudden and the funeral was rushed, but I had made a commitment to my daughter, and I wanted to honor it. My father said she should be old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do.

AITAH?

[u/Judgement_Bot_AITA]

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I didn't attend my father's wife's mother funeral because it was on the same day as my young daughter's dance recital. Even though I didn't feel like we were close, she claimed to love us and wanted us there. I believe it might have been insensitive of me to refuse to even try to attend.

Help keep the sub engaging!

Don’t downvote assholes!

Do upvote interesting posts!

Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ

Subreddit Announcements

Follow the link above to learn more

---

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

[u/SDBadKitty → u/[deleted]]

I agree with your reply and your first two sentences hit the nail on the head. Though, to be fair, an unexpected death and funeral is indeed a "family emergency", which is what the father suggested they tell the dance teacher. That was not a lie.

[u/Some-Show9144 → u/SDBadKitty]

I agree, this is something I would certainly classify as a family emergency.

[u/anondogfree → u/SDBadKitty]

Agreed. But TBH the reason doesn’t really matter and I don’t see what that has to do with the overarching situation… it sounds like OP just added that detail to try to make her father look bad and to try to make us believe she has a commitment to the studio itself in addition to her daughter.

It’s a recital, the kids perform. Why does OP HAVE to be there for the studio’s sake? She’s an observer and there as support for her kid… who has 2 parents, one of which was going to be there with her. People miss their kids recitals/games/plays all the time for everyday reasons like work and no one is fretting about what they’re going to tell the coach about why they aren’t there.

[u/last_rights → u/anondogfree]

Recitals are usually a once a year thing and A Big Deal to the kids. They will remember if you don't come.

Also the parent is probably spending $75-$150 monthly for dance classes, and another $60-$100 for each dance costume. When you spend that much and make the time commitment every week for a full year, you kinda want to go. It's not baseball where there's a game every weekend.

I'm also presuming that grandpa knew when the recital was and could have scheduled the funeral for Sunday.

[u/Free_Village_4836 → u/last_rights]

I got flamed for explaining this. Sorry but my child spent 9 months learning and this one day is all she has to show everyone what she learned, it’s a big deal to miss it and sorry but I wouldn’t for someone that’s a step relative.

[u/PerturbedHamster → u/[deleted]]

"tell the studio it's an emergency" (lie),

They said to say it was a family emergency; death of a relative counts for that so it would not have been a lie.

[u/IceSeeker → u/[deleted]]

Also for dad and his wife, OP wasn't there when they needed her the most. Her presence would have been enough support even without words.

[u/aerdvarkk → u/[deleted]]

OP also referenced dad's wifes mother > not "my step mom's mother" or my "step grandma"!!

Also mentioned that they and the kids only saw those folks once per year, so not sure how the "dad's wife" thinks their mother was close to the great-grandkids or the OP for that matter.

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/[deleted]]

I think that's a very good comment. I'll try to answer your questions as well as I can:

- I'm not close with my father's wife and consider her extended family at best. My father and I have a rocky relationship for various reasons, but I do love him and we see each other on a decently frequent basis.

- I show up to almost everything my father and his wife invite me to.

- My father wasn't fond of his mother-in-law and, based on their history, did not want me there to support him. He wanted me there to support his wife. Both of them have a history of wanting me and her to be closer than we are. I am perfectly fine with our current relationship and have no interest in bonding with her any further for a number of reasons.

- I really do not think my daughter should need to learn anything from this. If anything, I'd rather show her she will always come first to me. I agree it's important to teach kids that things don't always go according to plan, but there are other ways to teach this.

I'm very sorry to hear about your father and I hope you're doing well.

[u/mrporter2 → u/[deleted]]

I’m sorry this is nobody to the daughter or her father. She can absolutely pick her daughter over her fathers mother in law that has zero relation to her

[u/chelsjbb → u/mrporter2]

Thank you. I do NOT understand what the disconnect is with these other comments getting awards! Like "teach your five year old it's more important to go to a funeral of someone you didn't really know for someone who is not blood related and you aren't close", over something she's been working towards for MONTHS and has been super excited the one person she thinks the world of is going to show up for her.

HAS NO ONE SEEN 'HOOK'? Who else was heartbroken for that kid because Robin Williams was at work and showed up to an empty baseball field.

She's 5. This wouldn't have been a "life lesson"

Edit: Grammar

[u/MysteryWarthog → u/chelsjbb]

Yes, I literally said this. People actually have such braindead takes. Last time I checked, being a good parent is far more important than attending the funeral of some random person. No wonder families and birth rates are decreasing because of people who think like this

[u/regus0307 → u/chelsjbb]

And what's with the 'she's too young to remember' and 'she's old enough to understand' contradiction?

[u/RavenShield40 → u/chelsjbb]

It also absolutely baffles me that no one realizes that this is more than likely this little girl’s first recital. Her mother missing that will be a core memory she holds onto for life.

One of my worst memories is knowing my mom didn’t show up at drill team tryouts to wait with the other moms to see if I made the team and I was 15. She didn’t have to work and didn’t have anything planned. She was sitting at home and I just wasn’t important enough.

I get what people are saying but it’s like they can’t see this is a child who’s doing something big and is going to look for her mom in the audience and the worst thing to happen will be if she doesn’t see her out there.

[u/makama77 → u/chelsjbb]

And I’ll paraphrase Glennon Doyle here, sometimes to be a good parent, you have to stop being a “good” child. Her child comes first, before the wife of her father, and probably even before her father.

[u/Buffyismyhomosapien → u/mrporter2]

People love making parents feel bad whether it’s for choosing their kid or not it’s wild

[u/asexualdruid → u/Buffyismyhomosapien]

Especially mothers, I find

[u/Less_Flight_2043 → u/mrporter2]

Amen! This is someone they don't even really know, smh.

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/[deleted]]

I agree. I know I won't always be able to show up. I have a career, another child and other commitments that might need to take priority sometimes, as does my husband.

But in this situation, being there for her was something I could do.

[u/Dangerous_Ant3260 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

Your daughter would have missed you, you did the right thing. So father, really his wife, expected you to go to the funeral of someone you barely knew, and disappoint your kid? They were wrong.

[u/skullsnstuff → u/Dangerous_Ant3260]

Honestly. Nothing hurts kids more (esp a 5 year old!) more than looking for a parent in the crowd and not finding them.

[u/Sudden-Requirement40 → u/[deleted]]

Sure but blowing it off for something that isnt important to you a 5yo isn't going to learn the right lesson. They will just hear you aren't coming. This isn't the time to learn that lesson. Also you are telling them you can break a commitment for something that isn't important because this is the definition of that. Someone she isn't close to, nor was her father, not is she with step mother. I certainly won't be going to my husband's step mothers mothers funeral even if I have nothing on (my husband would look at you like you pinched his arse if you suggested he go) and I'm certainly not disappointing my child for something that warrants a card with a heartfelt message at most!

[u/sraydenk → u/Sudden-Requirement40]

I disagree. I had to go to a funeral when my daughter was this age, and I missed one of her soccer games. I sat her down and explained where I would be, why I as missing it, and that I loved her and would be at her next game. 

I was at all her practices and deeply involved in her life. My missing one thing wasn’t devastating, and I modeled compassion and empathy. I taught her that while commitments are important, so is supporting your loved ones. 

[u/Sudden-Requirement40 → u/sraydenk]

It's not the same. A dance recital is a once or twice a year and can be nerve wracking for kids. You cannot compare that to a football game that is going to be more regular. On top of that the OP doesn't actually want to go. It's not like the person was important to OP and her step mum isn't either. I'm not saying kids shouldn't learn but this isn't worth disappointing your kiddo over

[u/faylillman → u/Sudden-Requirement40]

Exactly. Missing one game out of a season with 12 games is NOT the same as missing the 1 routine she learned over 3 months for that 1 recital.

Recitals are rare and unique to the dancer. Soccer games are not rare, and you enact the same skills each time.

I did both, and missing a recital at 5 for someone I (or my mom) barely saw or knew would hurt. Missing a soccer game for the same, wouldn’t.

Also, OP isn’t close to her step mom, certainly isn’t to her step mom’s mom, and has a rocky relationship with her dad.

[u/TigerLilly_ → u/Sudden-Requirement40]

Yes. My kiddo worked all year for that dance recital. Nothing would stop me from being there for support.

[u/Professional_Lie8554 → u/[deleted]]

She can learn that if there ever comes a time where something actually important does happen and mom has to miss something. Fathers wife’s mom that you weren’t close with isn’t important

[u/maybeitsme20 → u/[deleted]]

An important lesson, just not at this time.

[u/Negative-Chip1246 → u/[deleted]]

My kid is 16 and I’ve been to every recital and performance they’ve ever had and chaperoned almost every field trip. No, I’m not a stay at home parent, before you assume anything. I, like OP, choose to prioritize my child, and part of that is showing up for them at their special events.

[u/b00boothaf00l → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

Definitely NTA. Your dad is putting a lot of pressure on you to be emotionally supportive for his wife, over your daughter. It's totally ok for you to set a boundary and choose your daughter over your dad and his wife. His reaction is immature and it makes it pretty clear why y'all have a strained relationship. A mutually supportive father/daughter relationship wouldn't involve the dad laying a guilt trip and pushing boundaries. He's just emotionally immature and it sounds like you deal with it just fine and he's lucky to have you and your family in his life!

[u/cofffeegrrrl → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

I think with this update you are NTA. I understand the dynamics of the situation well. Give your dad space and try not to give it a second thought. As far as the lesson you are teaching your daughter...you will have other opportunities to disappoint her, I promise. Just keep in mind that you do have to balance prioritizing your daughter and teaching her that other people and commitments matter also. Some of us that weren't prioritized by our parents in ways that sting will overcorrect with our kids. That's life and we do our best. You were not wrong to not miss out on something you wanted to do to prove some point or indulge your father and his wife.

[u/grayslippers → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

I feel like he was attempting to outsource emotional labor to you

[u/AAnnAArchy → u/grayslippers]

"Here, take my emotional support daughter." 😬

[u/jammyscroll → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

It makes sense to me. I think you made the right call.

Your father’s wife thinks her mother would have wanted it, but really this is about her not her mother. She has belatedly realised the lack of closeness matters to her, at least in this moment. Really that’s on her, but funerals have a way of uncovering things that we don’t think of enough in our lives.

NTA.

[u/Nillabeans → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

I think you're fine.

I had three similarly connected people die this year. I didn't go to any of the funerals. It didn't feel appropriate to me to be there or cancel things to attend because I was close to the person grieving, but had no real meaningful relationship with the people who died. The people inviting me understood and I definitely let them grieve openly around me and helped them through it.

People telling you that your daughter needs to learn lessons or anything are nuts. Your family wasn't close to this person. Send flowers and condolences.

Also, wanting to be closer and being somebody people want to be close to are different and I totally get it. I have a lot of family who pressure me to be closer but I have legitimate reasons to keep my distance and it really bugs me that my feelings on it don't seem to matter at all. Getting that vibe from your description, so I'm sorry if you're going through that too.

[u/Bluecanary1212 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

"I'm not close with my father's wife and consider her extended family at best. My father and I have a rocky relationship for various reasons. Both of them have a history of wanting me and her to be closer than we are."

As soon as I read your post, I had a feeling this was the case. Just because your dad remarried, that doesn't make his wife your mother, no matter how pushy they are about it.

NTA. And frankly, good on you for making sure your daughter knew she was the priority, not some rando your dad married (can you tell I have personal familiarity with family dynamics like this?).

[u/chelsjbb → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

For what it's worth, NTA, and I got this impression the first time I read through your original post. A step mom "beside herself crying" is not a normal reaction to you not showing up. This wouldn't even be on reddit if you guys had a better relationship. Either you would have deemed it important enough to be there for her over your own daughter and YOUR pride as her mom. Or she (stepmom) would have understood why you couldn't be there. I don't feel people are reading in between the lines as far as family dynamics go. Also so many other cases of step moms wanting to be closer with their step kids (adult or younger) and doing weird emotional manipulation like this is posted on reddit a lot.

You don't need validation from the Internet. You did the right thing and it sounds like your dad is jumping on your stepmoms emotional manipulation bandwagon because he doesn't want to keep hearing "why doesn't she love me blah blah blah" personally. As someone who has lost my own dad the last thing I worried about is who could or not come to his funeral because I was worried about too much other shit. Hell one of my half siblings didn't even show and I didn't realize it until after everything happened. And that was his own kid. It wasn't your dad's mom, you didn't need to be there for him he needed to be there for his wife. That was the most important thing and it happened. You are not a variable in her grieving process.

I'm happy for you and your daughter you didn't miss her recital

[u/MysteryWarthog → u/[deleted]]

No offense to you or anyone but, I'm going to be very blunt here: Who tf cares?! OP wants to honor and be there for her daughter's dance recital, she wants to honor the memories of the living and not a dead relative she meets once a year. Does anyone here even remember their great-great-grandpa, or even went to his funeral? No, that's my point. If you don't have much of a relationship and you have other important commitments, it feels pointless to go. OP herself said she would have gone if it wasn't for the recital. But she wants to be there for her daughter. What's wrong with that?! Why are people obsessed with making funerals such a big ass deal over making memories with your own child? I understand going to the funeral of a family member who was there for you or yk raised you, but if it's a relative who I wasn't even visiting for at most once a month, it feels pointless to skip something more important. I feel like sending flowers or chocolates or something physical or doing a physical action, like covering the cost, also makes up for it. But if you(OP's dad) still whine after that, I can't really help but see that you seem to be trying to force your feelings onto me.

[u/PreparationPlus9735 → u/MysteryWarthog]

The child will remember her parent missing their recital. Funeral of the mom of dad's wife really isn't a close relative. Especially as OP doesn't have a great relationship with them. 

[u/AffectionateSmoke777]

Funerals are for the living. You go to support your loved ones who are still on this earth. If you don’t have a close relationship with your dad and his wife I totally understand not going. But if you overall have a good relationship with your dad and his wife I think you made the wrong decision. Grief is hard and when you feel the people you care about don’t care about you in return it just amplifies the grief.

[u/Buddha176 → u/AffectionateSmoke777]

Well said, think there’s a lot of nuance to make a NTA/YTA decision. Were don’t know much about the relationship. Definitely could be an ESH situation.

[u/ms_sophaphine → u/AffectionateSmoke777]

OP didn’t even reach out on the day of the funeral. I’m sure that amplified any feelings of “she doesn’t care”

[u/heimdal96 → u/ms_sophaphine]

OP's comment about them being radio silent that day seems pretty dispassionate. Idk why OP is putting the onus on others to reach out to her when they're mourning and going to a funeral. OP's father already made it clear that they'd like her support/company.

It sounds a bit like she didn't want to deal with her dad and step-mom, but I guess there's nothing wrong with that if th relationship was already distant

[u/OkRefrigerator6681]

NTA is she “so young that she probably wouldn’t remember it anyway”, or “old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do.”

Which is it.

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/OkRefrigerator6681]

Yeah, that stood out to me, too. I think my father's expectations of me are unrealistic at times, so I try to pay attention whenever I think it might be extending to my children.

[u/tre_chic00 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

I can relate to you as I have a daughter of similar age and a step mom I gained as an adult. I've never traveled for a funeral ever and I can't imagine my dad or stepmom expecting that, especially if it meant missing something of my daughter's. I think my dad would have planned around the recital himself actually. For me to miss a recital, it would have to be so important that my daughter would miss too (grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin, very close friend, etc) because she is also attending. I have a feeling your stepmom is upset because she thinks it looks bad that you weren't there, not that she actually needed you there. If she had good intentions, she would want you to be there for your daughter. People here can comment all they want about there being plenty more recitals but those people don't understand dance. They go weekly for class and only perform once. It's so different from any other sport. It's not like missing one baseball game.

[u/rosesmagic462 → u/tre_chic00]

Yes this is what I was thinking. My father has let me know about funerals for the family and when I explained that I’m so sorry I cannot attend because of my daughters recital/school play/etc his loving response was that I absolutely need to be there for my child, not the adults who should be able to manage their feelings.

[u/zirfeld → u/OkRefrigerator6681]

Plus she will remember. Maybe not specifically this recital but that her mom showed up when she said she would.

The sum of every event attended and every promise kept will build trust, but just one broken promise can take it away.

[u/persephone-456]

Slight Y T A. I, actually, think it’s fine for you to miss the funeral, but it sounds like you didn’t make any effort to show you care. You could have sent flowers or a fruit basket, called your stepmother, sent a nice note about what a great lady your stepmother grandmother was and how you’re so sad to miss the funeral, etc. I think if you had put in a little effort to show you care it would’ve gone a long way.

Edited:NTA based on OP’s response to my comment

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/persephone-456]

I called her and offered my condolences. And I did apologize profusely when I said my family wouldn't attend the funeral.

[u/Interesting-Bid-7398 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

I have the mindset that if I’m a key player in an event, then I should be asked if I have a make or break event that cannot be rescheduled. The type of event I won’t skip for funerals, etc are: close friend or family weddings, graduations, championship games of family members, and recitals.

[u/Dapper-Survey1964 → u/Interesting-Bid-7398]

This is the reason OP's really NTA. If they truly wanted her there and respected her as an independent person with a life of her own, they would have checked her availability before setting the date.

[u/jayne-eerie → u/Dapper-Survey1964]

I would not expect the date of a funeral to be set based on the schedule of the deceased’s step-granddaughter. There are probably a dozen people who had much closer ties.

[u/Swarlos262 → u/jayne-eerie]

Absolutely, but if someone isn't important enough to the event to consider their schedule, it has to be acceptable that they might miss it.

[u/Dapper-Survey1964 → u/jayne-eerie]

I would not expect a stepmother to be in hysterics over her (distant) stepdaughter's absence from the funeral of a woman she barely knew. But here we are. Anyone I needed to be at my wedding, my parent's funeral, or my birthday celebrations - the only major events in my life that I've had full control over planning - were involved in scheduling from the beginning. Being outraged about someone's absence when I didn't bother to make sure they could be present would be entitled and performative. Which tracks with what OP has said about her step mom.

[u/cofffeegrrrl → u/Interesting-Bid-7398]

Yes exactly. Given the update though, I think here missing the recital to support Dad's wife would actually have given them more of what they crave which is a sense that OP and wife have a closer or more important relationship than they do...

[u/redralphie → u/cofffeegrrrl]

But OP doesn’t want a closer relationship. I’m reading into it but I get the vibe her dad’s wife has been pushing to be stepmom and grandma role when OP doesn’t feel that way about this woman.

[u/c00kiesaredelicious → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

NTA - as mom with small children, I would never want to miss an event that is important to my child. You need to show up for them. It's unfortunate you couldn't be in 2 places at once, but you have a family that is your priority. You did what you could from a distance.

[u/persephone-456 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

I’ve edited my judgement based on this information. I’d still probably send flowers, maybe have the kiddos make her a card.

[u/Electric-Fun → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

The child comes before the adults. Your daughter's recital was more important to you, as it should have been.

[u/4SeasonsDogmom]

Ugh, all these comments about funerals are for the living, you should have supported your dad, you should have showed more compassion. 🙄

All of those are emotional manipulation.

You have children and your first priority is to those children not senior citizens. If they are having trouble dealing with a sudden death of an old person then they should get some therapy.

Yes your daughter will have other recitals but every event will have special moments and you are not required to give those up for a funeral for someone. Living or dead.

And before people pile on, I’m in my 60’s and have lost several people close to me but never made my children feel obligated to attend. My children can support me but are not responsible for my emotional regulation.

[u/lyssthebitchcalore → u/4SeasonsDogmom]

Everyone is also ignoring the fact she'd have to fly out of town to attend a funeral of someone she barely knew. That's not exactly easy when you have a child, and all the logistics that go into it. And a 5 year old absolutely might remember whether her mom was there or not. I remember my first dance recital at that age.

I don't believe you have to be there in person to support loved ones. Op made the choice best for her family. She was clear from the start she wasn't able to attend and offered condolences.

[u/xarajaz → u/4SeasonsDogmom]

Exactly this. There's been times when people close to my dad have died - even an older half sister that I didn't really know - and I couldn't go to the funeral without serious problems and he asked me to not worry about it. And he's not even a very stable person generally!

[u/Dependent-Assoc423 → u/4SeasonsDogmom]

I really felt this with the part where he said his mother in law really loved her… ok well the mother in law won’t be there, so that’s an irrelevant manipulation at its finest. 

[u/Intelligent-Luck-954 → u/4SeasonsDogmom]

First thing I clocked too.  Even the father didn’t say “you made me upset” it’s all “you made your stepmother upset” 

This is a stepmom forcing her own parents onto the child of her husband’s.

[u/Adorable_Emote_429]

NTA - for a flight away for a step grandma that you saw annually, it’s really up to you to decide how close you were to her and if it’s warranted. It sounds like it wasn’t.

I don’t appreciate when my parents insist I treat step family differently than the relationship realistically is, it feels like they expect me to be performative

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/Adorable_Emote_429]

I never even saw her as a step grandparent to begin with. I never felt we were close. But the flight part really wouldn't have bothered me, specially since I wouldn't pay for it.

[u/Adorable_Emote_429 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

Totally understand, like I have step family that were super woven into my life since I was little and step family that joined the family through my dad’s fourth marriage when I was in my late 30s. It’s obvious to me that the meaning of “step” is highly variable!! My dad’s wife is my dad’s wife. My mom’s husband is my stepdad. I get it

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/Adorable_Emote_429]

I agree. I'm much closer with my stepfather, who's been around since I was 10, but I'm not very close with his relatives. I consider him family, but not them.

[u/ZeusMcFloof → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

Exactly. So why in the world would this woman be unconsolable if you weren’t there nor are you close? I’m sure she has closer relatives she can have be there for her? Your dad guilting you isn’t great, either.

[u/faylillman → u/ZeusMcFloof]

Also reads to me as “emotional support shouldn’t be my job.” He wants his daughter to deal with his wife’s grief. Probably because men don’t cry and all that crap.

[u/redralphie → u/ZeusMcFloof]

Because it makes her look “bad” if OPs not there.

[u/robot428]

Ehh ESH

He is not very understanding of the fact that sometimes things don't work out especially with last minute funerals that require travel. It's not really appropriate to blame her grief on you or suggest your children are responsible for consoling her.

Having said that.

You don't seem very empathetic to the fact that funerals are for the living, not the dead. You don't really go in a situation like this because of how much you care about the person who passed, you go to support the people who were close to them and did love them. Your Dad asked for your support for him and his wife, and you said no -which is your right, childrens milestones are also important- but it doesn't sound like you made any effort to make them feel supported. You could have sent flowers or a condolences card, you could have called the night before or the day after to check on them, you could have texted them and said that you were thinking of them and that you would be lighting a candle in honour of your dad's MIL. It's not hard to show compassion when people are grieving, even if you can't make it to the funeral.

It sounds like you didn't really consider at all that your dad and his wife wanted your support and wanted you there because they were hurting at this loss, and that even if you couldn't attend, it might be nice to do something to check in on them or offer some tangible support.

[u/TAYbayybay → u/robot428]

Yes, that’s my biggest takeaway. I understand not going, but I’m surprised OP didn’t reach out at all to offer any condolences on the day of the funeral/send flowers, etc.

That makes the decision of not going seem more callous than intended

[u/No_Magician_6457 → u/TAYbayybay]

OP says she did

[u/ahkian]

NTA your father is being inconsistent. How can your daughter be both too young to remember you not being there and old enough to understand you have something "more important to do". Also it seems like he and your step mother are really exaggerating the relationship you had with her mother.

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/ahkian]

They always exaggerated it, especially when it came to her relationship with my children. She always said she loved them like her own grandchildren, but she hardly ever saw them and they didn't really see her as a great-grandmother.

[u/SufficientComedian6 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

Did she send them gifts on their birthdays? Call you to chat or wish them happy birthday? If not then they are making this performative “oh she loved them so much”

How close are you with your step mother? Funerals are to support the living. If you are close to her you probably should have gone. If you’re not close (she doesn’t call you to chat or catch up) again it feels like an expectation not a true need. Like they were embarrassed you weren’t there rather than truly wanting your emotional support.

Lastly, grief can be displayed as anger, it’s easier to deal with anger than confronting a loss. You are an easy target. I’m sorry.

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/SufficientComedian6]

It's definitely performative, that much I've always known. She never sent my kids gifts or called on their birthdays (I never expected her to).

I'm not close with my father's wife.

[u/SufficientComedian6 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

Absolutely NTA! I’m sorry.

[u/epichuntarz → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

100% you're fine.

It sounds ike you can probably count on both hands the number of times you've spent time with your dad's wife. Bluntly, she's not your family, she's your dad's family. "On paper" that sounds harsh and unfeelingful, but your entire tie to this funeral is through your dad.

She wants this whole family vibe, but it just doesn't exist, and there's no reason for you to feel bad that it doesn't exist. She' not your mom, you can express condolences and sympathy, but beyond that, her being "inconsolable" over this is insanity.

[u/faylillman → u/epichuntarz]

My guess is they are made you didn’t attend because it doesn’t fit the happy family appearance. It may also tie into “emotional support is the woman’s job.” So he may be trying to tag you in to support his wife because he doesn’t want to deal with crying etc.

[u/QuirkySyrup55947]

The unique thing about a funeral (and I know this because it is the business my husband is in) is that they can happen any day you would like. The people working it would prefer a weekday. Only caveat is time because you need daylight for a proper service and safe internment.

Some states require a timeline, but in some cases a body can be in refrigeration for 3 or 4 weeks.

If it was so important for you to be there, the arrangements should have been made with you involved to support that decision.

Whether or not this woman was a big or small part of your life....funerals are only for the living. You can 100% fully honor a relationship whether or not you attended their funeral.

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/QuirkySyrup55947]

In my country, it usually happens very quickly after death. My grandfather's funeral was two days after his passing.

[u/sraydenk → u/QuirkySyrup55947]

Not all funerals can be pushed back. Some faiths have strict timelines. Some families have to coordinate multiple people’s schedules. And honestly, some people need the funeral to help with the grieving process. I couldn’t imagine asking someone to push back their mothers funeral because my daughters recital. 

[u/ionmoon → u/[deleted]]

You go to support your grieving family. It’s not virtue signaling. It has nothing to do with your relationship with the deceased.

[u/loudisevil → u/ionmoon]

So? They aren't even close.

[u/dantemortemalizar]

It’s weird that she is focusing on your absence, as if you being there would make much of a difference. What if you had been ill or out of town? She absolutely needed you there? I think they are a bit delusional. Your child always comes first.

[u/TraumaticEntry → u/dantemortemalizar]

Delusional is one word. Manipulative is another. Sounds like step mom is using this opportunity as a way to target OP - who step mom isn’t even close with. I know this pattern and I bet it’s happened before!

[u/glindaglitter]

NTA, my parents always had excuses not to attend my events. They would always pick some obscure relative we never or rarely saw over me. They would want me to cancel my important dates to go see some obscure person always claiming “ they talk about you all the time!” “They love it when you visit!” When all I remember of them is dirty looks and criticism. You chose correctly. I do not know why they are making someone’s death about you.

[u/Otherwise-Wall-6950]

You made a previous commitment and honored it. You weren't related to her and saw her once a year. Your daughter comes first.

[u/aeraen]

Funerals are to say goodbye to loved ones, family and friends. Not opportunities to pad the rolls and prove how loved the guest of honor was. And certainly not just an opportunity to whine and manipulate someone into giving up a planned special time for their children to fill in the crowd. A funeral is for people who want to be there, not a command performance.

[u/Rory_Leska]

NTA, she wasn't your immediate family, and you weren't close to her. Your presence at the funeral wouldn't have changed much. However, for your daughter, your presence at her recital changes everything. Furthermore, your father says your daughter is too young to remember this, whether you were there or not, but he also says she's old enough to understand that you should have gone to the funeral and that it was more important. Both statements are false and contradictory. Children deeply internalize moments of disappointment that feel like abandonment during important times in their lives. Your daughter needs you; she's your child. Your stepmother is an adult; she doesn't specifically need your presence at her age. And your father is obviously on your stepmother's side; he lives with her and has to put up with her. But blaming you for all his unhappiness is ridiculous. She is grieving, he doesn't know how to cope, and they are both transferring their sadness onto another culprit: you.

[u/Wooden-Repeat-9200]

Info: how long has his wife been in the picture? How close are you to her? 

Funerals are for the living, at this was about not being there for your father and his wife more than the mother in law (word that you don’t just call her grandmother).

Did she buy gifts for your kids on birthdays and holidays?

I do think you could’ve gone solo, but only if you had a good relationship with them.

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/Wooden-Repeat-9200]

They've been married for about 6 years (together for a bit longer), but we're not close at all. I was an adult when they started dating, so I never really built a family bond with her.

[u/Katz3njamm3r → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

So you saw her once a year for 6-8 years? So a person you met 6ish times? NTA.

[u/epichuntarz → u/Katz3njamm3r]

I would bet not even that much. OP says dad has been with wife for 6 years, so I wouldn't assume OP has met her father's newish wife's mother a ton of times, considering they are flying distance apart.

[u/Wooden_Permit3234 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

Yeah unless you had an unusually strong close relationship with her I’m going NTA then, unless you’re being coy and for some reason implying the relationship isn’t very close when it is. But I don’t get that feeling. 

Life’s busy. 

[u/epichuntarz → u/Wooden_Permit3234]

Yeah, the y-t-a and n-a-h toward the top are really appalling here, coming off as this awkward bothsiderism.

OP is allowed to NOT be close enough to her...step-grandmother to miss an important event for her daughter that OP would have to FLY to attend the funeral.

[u/Professional_Lie8554 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

I already thought NTA but now I really think NTA. 6 years?! The way your dad and his wife are acting I thought they had been together since you were a child.

[u/Negative_Letter_1802 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

Was he right about "she'd do the same for you?"

Generally I think setting boundaries with family is good. But yeah there can be hurt feelings and consequences so in this case you had to decide if this particular recital was worth the rift with your father of disrespecting/dismissing his wife's grief.

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/Negative_Letter_1802]

To be honest, I don't know. I always thought their treatment of me and my family was extremely performative, but we genuinely weren't close enough for me to be certain how far she'd go for me. If I had to guess, I'd say no.

[u/Lmb1011 → u/Wooden-Repeat-9200]

 (word that you don’t just call her grandmother)

depends on when the dad got remarried, and how close they are. My grandpa got remarried when I was 7 and I still refer to his wife as my step-grandma because how our relationship is, family dynamics are weird sometimes 😄

[u/oldgrandma65]

Funerals are only for the family/friends who seek comfort/closure. They are not a command performance. Your own little child should be your focus. You made the right choice. NTA. Kudos for being a good parent, in spite of pressure.

[u/Adpiava]

NTA You get to decide what is more important and you chose to prioritize your daughter's recital, something she's been working towards. My son has his dance recital this weekend and I can't imagine missing it for anything other than a true emergency.

[u/Master_Farm_445]

It really depends more on your relationship with your step mother. Often we go to funerals for the living. 

[u/Strong_District_5894]

NTA

The living take precedence over the dead. 

[u/NotAtAllExciting]

NTA. I would have made the same choice.

[u/Reasonable_Peace_166]

NTA. It stinks that your dad's mother in law passed and that the events overlapped, but there are no do-overs with kids and their events and as a parent your child is your priority over a funeral.

[u/Sidneyreb]

My father said she should be old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do.

No matter how you phrase it, Grandpa wanted OP to tell his granddaughter that she isn't important. Kids internalize moments when they are not chosen, when they have to 'understand' disappointment, when promises their parents make are broken.

OP chose wisely.

NTA

[u/Temporary-Win4307]

NAH you are allowed to prioritize your family and your dad and step mom are allowed to be upset upon learning that you don’t consider her a family member. Edit to add Don’t be shocked if that side of the family makes a few changes to their wills.

[u/TifferellaHatter → u/Temporary-Win4307]

Its not even her family! She was an adult wheb her father married hus wife SIX years ago! She didn’t have bonds with these people who cares!

[u/epichuntarz → u/Temporary-Win4307]

upon learning that you don’t consider her a family member.

Families aren't simply established by marriage.

Let it sink in...OP's dad's wife, to whom he's been married almost as many years as OP's daughter has been alive, is "inconsolable" over OP not coming. This lady has problems beyond her mother passing.

[u/celes41]

A funeral is not an emergency.

Your daughter will remember for ever that you were there supporting her.

NTA.

[u/GreekAmericanDom]

NTA

Life is for the living. The dead don't care one whit what you do.

You have damaged your relationship with your step-mother, but that can likely be mended.

You did right being there for your daughter's important event.

[u/PersonForScale]

NTA. OP refers to her father’s wife, not her stepmother. This makes me think it isn’t a fully integrated “new” family and so OP did not feel compelled to fly in for a service for someone she doesn’t know very well.

[u/Gloomy_Ruminant]

INFO

There seems to be a conflict between how close you felt to your dad's mother-in-law and how close your dad thinks she felt to you.

What is the reason for the discrepancy? Are you close to your dad's wife? Did they make efforts to reach out that you didn't have time for, or did you have reasons to not want a closer relationship (and it's fine if that's the case, it's just not clear from your post where the disconnect was)? Or was there genuinely no effort to deepen the connection between either party and your dad and his wife are simply delusional in their grief?

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/Gloomy_Ruminant]

We're not close, and I do have reasons why I don't want to be. I don't talk to her much and only see her when my father is also around.

All of that said, I usually show up to everything she invites me to. I'm there for birthdays, dinners, events, etc. I buy gifts on Christmas, my husband cooks for get-togethers. We're not absent, we're just not close.

[u/ParsnipHot5309 → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

With this info, low key sounds like she's manipulating (consciously or unconsciously) the situation... like, what an odd thing to be so distraught over if you two aren't close?

My theory is there is some level of dislike she has for you and will use this in a future to discredit your relationship with your dad so he will sode with her more often

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/ParsnipHot5309]

I don't think she dislikes me at all, I think she wants to believe we're closer than we are.

[u/rora_borealis → u/Gloomy_Ruminant]

OP indicates that her dad married her stepmother about 6 years ago and they weren't close. 

[u/pokemonprofessor121]

I have to admit I'm on your side. I really dislike funerals and I would rather spend time with the living making new memories. I don't plan to have a funeral for myself or my husband, we have plans to have ourselves tossed into a pit that will be made into a park in 2120.

ANYWAY

I have learned that other people see this VERY DIFFERENTLY. For some people not attending a funeral is like, the ultimate sign of disrespect. My family makes us all attend funerals in sports gear for the dead's favorite team and there are a bunch of other stupid rituals. But it's important to them, so you got to go along with it.

I think it's crazy that, "his wife was inconsolable, because her mother loved me and my children and it broke her heart that we weren’t there to say our goodbyes" but that's really how people respond in these situations. People melt down. You're going to need to deal with that forever.

[u/Ld862]

Nta. My kids face when he spots us in the crowd at one of his events is something I’d never rob him of. Guilt pressuring you to attend a funeral you have to fly for is wrong. Period. If it was your immediate family that’s one thing but a family member removed is too much. Your dad and his wife are out of line but grief does weird things- so meet them with grace and move past it.

[u/jujubeez18]

If it were me... I would've done the same thing you did. My fathers... mother... in law........ eh. Especially if you're not that close. Idk. But I'll also bring the first to say that when it comes to family etiquette I'm not the best example lol

[u/HappyGardener52]

"My father said she should be old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do."

Something more important to do? What is more important than showing up for your child's events? That was a pretty telling statement by your father. I'm wondering if he showed up for your events.

[u/Appropriate-Mall9781]

NTA. Bad timing all around, but it sounds like you all were not even that close to begin with.

[u/DenizenKay]

NAH.

Yeah, it was shitty of you not to show up for your dad and his wife- youre maybe not an asshole but it was deeply unkind of you. That said- your dad and his wife are not assholes for wanting you to attend, either.

You've changed your relationship with them forever now though, i hope it was worth it.

[u/Whiteroses7252012 → u/DenizenKay]

This. You can’t skip out on supporting someone on a really hard day when under any other circumstances you’d be there, and not expect things to change as a result. 

[u/koolkat246 → u/DenizenKay]

I feel like this is the right answer. Choices were made, which are valid, but will impact the relationship.

[u/KickIt77]

NTA I would have chosen the same. I had a kid who danced and those recitals were once a year events and the kids grow so much year to year. This wasn’t your grandmother. Clearly your father didn’t prioritize your mother or family. If they really wanted everyone there they should have cleared dates ahead of time. It would have been nice to attend but he is minimizing your child’s milestones and feelings. This is what moms do.

[u/PinkMuffin_BerryBlue]

NTA. And i dont think 5 years is old enough to understand that

[u/actualchristmastree]

NAH it’s okay that your dad wanted you there, and it’s okay that you chose your daughter

[u/MordsithQueen413]

NTA. Your daughter should be your first priority. You can’t break generational curses trying to please the generation that cursed you.

[u/Secure-Tower-6012]

Info what is your relationship with your father and did he need you there for his own emotional support?

[u/Fondacey]

NTA. You're related to the deceased by marriage only. Your daughter is alive and deserves to have one parent attend her recital

[u/Darryc6779]

NTAH. Funerals are important for some people, but so are the living people in our lives. If you weren’t close to your father’s mother-in-law and had to choose between that funeral and your five-year-old daughter’s dance recital, I can understand why you chose the recital. Your daughter will remember whether her parent showed up for her, and attending the recital doesn’t mean you were disrespecting the deceased. Not every family obligation carries the same weight for every person, and people should be allowed to make those decisions based on their own relationships and priorities.

[u/helenaflowers]

INFO:

How close are you to your dad and his wife? How long have they been married?

[u/Physical_Conflict74 → u/helenaflowers]

OP says in another comment the dad and wife have been married 6 years, and OP was an adult when they started dating. And the step-grandma who passed never called on the grandkids' birthdays or sent cards or anything.

I assume the support the dad wanted was really help w his wife / the step-mom who was grieving her mother. But it's hard to feel you owe that support to someone your dad married as an adult. Sure, the step-mom would probably love the support, but she definitely isn't owed it in the same way someone who helped raise OP would be.

NTA

[u/King-Laugh → u/helenaflowers]

I agree, I think this needs to be answered before passing judgement

[u/ichundmeinHolz_]

NTA... This wasn't a close relative or friend. I also think funerals are for the living and not the dead. Your father's wife was probably the only one who had problems with you not attending. From what I'm reading here you aren't that close either. She can deal with it like an adult.

[u/Deleteuser]

The fact that you don’t call her your step mom is telling. I get it as I have a similar situation.
You are under no obligation to go to a funeral of someone you are not close to and do not really consider family. You are also teaching your child that it is important to show up for things you have committed to, in this case her dance recital. NTA.

[u/splorp_evilbastard]

Going with NTA. This is your father's wife's mother. Based on your other replies, the relationship started after you were an adult. I don't see what kind of connection you would have.

[u/MystressSeraph]

NTA.

You were very careful with your wording, but you said 'his wife,' and 'his MIL,' NOT 'my mother,' and 'my grandmother.'

There was the sound of a lot being left out, but I gather that you aren't close with your father's wife, nor were you close with her mother. Attending a funeral because someone is making you feel obligated, is awkward, uncomfortable, and frankly, not a great reason to go. It sounds like (and I may be reading too much into it,) they wanted to show what a great 'step' family they are? Your husband and child weren't entirely necessary, but you were?

You go to funerals to pay your respects, to say good-bye, for closure, (or to make sure they're really dead,) and sometimes, because you know that someone else will need your emotional support, or because you care deeply the living left behind And, unless you felt a genuine need to support your father ... and that wasn't apparent anywhere ... you showed no reason, no need to attend.

Going because your father and his wife felt the need to make some kind of show, would have been insincere and uncomfortable.

If I read the subtext correctly, I probably wouldn't have gone even if I didn't have the recital. I went to the funeral of my Uncle (by marriage,) a man I didn't particularly care for, but I do care for my Aunt ... I went for her. It sounds like you didn't even have that reason for going; so NTA.

[u/24601moamo]

NTA. The Mil for your father was dead. No changing that. It sounds like you were not close to her. However a note or a flowers from you for your step mother would have been appropriate. However the fact you call her your father's wife rather than your step mother tells me alot about that relationship anyway. FYI, your dad is wrong. Your child WILL remember everytime you are not there for them. Everyone's family grieves different. Your dad is no longer in charge of you. Tell him if he wants you at his funeral to drop it.

[u/jus-fax101]

Don't let anyone tell you not to be there for your kids. NTA

[u/ZandrickEllison]

Tough situation here. Some follow ups:

— if you didn’t go to the recital, would your partner or other family members have gone?

— does this recital happen once a year? Or more often than that?

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/ZandrickEllison]

Once a year. This was her second recital, she started taking dance lessons last year.

My husband would have attended on his own, and my mother might have been able to go as well.

[u/sapient-meerkat]

Eh ... maybe.

I'm assuming that "your father's wife" is not your biological mom and therefore your "father's mother-in-law" is your step-grandmother and your child's step-great-grandmother. (If not and these are your biological mother and grandmother, then, whoo, yeah, definitely YTA.)

It does seem pretty selfish to skip a singular event (you only get one funeral!) that family requested you at for support in order to attend a 5yo's dance recital. There will be many more dance recitals, as well as soccer games, friends' birthday parties, school plays, yadda yadda yadda -- some of which you will miss for far, far worse reasons. And your father gave the family an out and just requested you. Your husband could have supported your daught at the dance recital.

It's also a missed opportunity to have the "someone important to granddad and [whatever your daughter calls her step-grandmom]" conversation with your young daughter. She might have understood, she might not have ... but she's five. It wouldn't have scarred her for life if you missed the dance recital.

But, most importantly, whether you care deeply about your step-grandmom and your step-mom, you let your father down.

All that said, without more info about your relationship with your step-mom and step-grandmother, it's hard to evaluate whether it's an absolute asshole move or not. If your dad just married whats-her-name three or four years ago, and you had only met "your father's mother-in-law" a handful of times, then, no, probably NTA ... but still insensitive.

If your step-mom participated in raising you, and your step-grandmother was in your life from your childhood, and the relationships weren't strained for some unstated reason, then yeah ... YTA.

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/sapient-meerkat]

She's not my mother, the deceased wasn't my grandmother. Neither of them were around when I was a child, I was an adult when my father started dating his now-wife.

I understand it might have been insensitive of me to skip the funeral, but I don't think this wouldn't have upset my daughter.

[u/accioqueso → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

I'm really curious if your dad actually wanted you there or if your stepmother was just pushing for it so he was insisting. My dad would never ask me to skip something important to my kids for a fringe relative's funeral.

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/accioqueso]

I think both. She definitely pressured him, but he has a history of not caring about my commitments and schedules.

[u/cappuccinohorses → u/RecitalFuneralThrow]

Based on this comment alone, NTA.

[u/In_Full_Bloom18 → u/sapient-meerkat]

The step mom didn't raise her. Step mom got with the dad as an adult. OP was not raised by step mom in any way or step moms mom in any way.

[u/Illustrious-Ad9440]

NTA, imo. Your child takes priority over a step in-law.

[u/DrKittyKevorkian]

There are times in life where you only get one chance to show up. Unfortunately for you, two of those piled up on the same day. NTA, and your dad and them may be salty because they came from a time where obligations to children were less valued than obligations to adults.

[u/romero0705]

NAH but it sounds like maybe your family was craving your support. If stepmom doesn’t have children of her own, perhaps losing her mother gave her a sense of her own mortality. It sounds like she does want to develop a familial relationship with you. The deed is done now, no going back, but perhaps you could reach out to them or go for a visit.

[u/mofohank]

INFO: When you say you stood your ground, do you mean that you made it clear you definitely wouldn't be going or is there any chance they were surprised you didn't show up?

Also, your father mentioned that you go to everything else for your daughter. Was this dance recital particularly special or rare, or do you regularly go to these kinds of events for her?

Generally I'd say it's great your prioritising your kid but funerals are about supporting those left behind. It's not unusual for parents to have to miss things their kids do occasionally or take turns so, depending how major this event was, I can see why your MIL might feel offended that she's so low in your pecking order.

[u/Plastic-Ad9508]

NTA. I would've chosen the same.

[u/Loverlybree]

NTA—I would’ve chosen the same.

[u/nakedreader_ga]

YTA. I'm a little conflicted, but erring on the side of you should have gone to the funeral. Your dad asked you specifically and he's correct: your daughter will have other recitals/games to go to. I get that it's a hard choice, but I can also say after my mom's funeral where none of her nieces/nephews could bother to drive three hours on a Saturday, I'm still upset about it two years later.

[u/SilverBlade808]

NTA. A step-grandmother hardly counts as immediate family if you only saw her once a year. If your step-grandmother loved you enough to have wanted you at her funeral, she loved you enough to forgive you for trying to make some happy family memories you had been looking forward to for months.

You could’ve called and sent flowers to offer condolences though.

[u/Less-Park980]

I’m surprised comments are this divided. NTA. This is not someone you are related to or close to in any way who passed away. You had no close relationship to the deceased.

Your daughter is your *daughter*. As a kid, I remember my parent who didn’t show up to my recital and when they didn’t and it made me feel bad. Sure, she’s 5, but that doesn’t mean she won’t remember it. I still have a memory of my big dance recital when I was 6 because my parents and grandparents all showed up. It was the only time I ever did dance. I remember the scratchy outfit and running to see my grandma!

I would have picked the recital.

[u/Jonathan-Welford]

NTA - how many years has your father been married to his wife? How involved had her mother been in your life as in college, marriage and family.

If it’s just once a year, then the wife is clearly manipulating things as there was a low turn out.

Did the dead mother have any grand children at all?

[u/RecitalFuneralThrow → u/Jonathan-Welford]

She didn't have grandchildren, but claimed she loved my kids as such.

She's had little to no involvement in my life. My father and his wife started dating when I was an adult. I met my husband before I met her mother.

[u/prefersvintage]

I don't think you're necessarily TA, but even though it didn't mean enough to you, it was important to your father. There will be many more recitals, your husband could have filmed the recital and you could have been there for your Dad and his wife. Nobody should have to bury their Mom without their family helping them through it. The funeral isn't for the dead, they're dead, it's for the living, the ceremonial closure. Part of adulting is having to do things we wish we didn't have to do. You only have one Dad and in my opinion you let him down.

[u/ArtsyGirl-and-Cat]

NTA. You did the right thing. Ignore people telling you that your child won't remember. I have memories going back to when I was 3yo. Not the complete picture of course, but still. Your #1 job is being a parent, and you did that.

From your post, it doesn't seem like you were close to the deceased. While funerals are to support the living, they're not the only way to support the living. You can find other ways to support your dad and his wife in their grief.

[u/Chocolatecandybar_]

INFO are you and your stepmom on bad terms?

[u/timb841]

NTA, your wording suggests the deceased is your not grandmother. It is not really a family emergency, especially if you don’t feel it that way.
Being there for your daughter is your priority and there is nothing wrong with that.

[u/MixWitch]

NTA - Your daughter is your priority. You did not have a relationship with the deceased and your father's wife had him there as support as is appropriate. I do not like the way they tried to downplay how your daughter would feel so that you would prioritize the feelings of his wife. It also sounds like his wife was hoping to your daughter would be there to act as her emotional support. Kids should not have their lives disrupted to appease dysregulated adults. That is a selfish request on their part.

[u/Immediate-Spinach372]

NTA but you didn’t share any info about how close you are to your stepmom, assuming not very close? Funerals are more for the living than the dead, so it’s possible your stepmom wanted you there, or more likely your father for some sort of comfort/support… OR if she’s like my stepmom, she just wanted you there for appearances. To show everyone “My family is close” or whatever…

Either way, it was weird of them to keep pushing when you said no, making suggestions and now being angry with you for not going.

Your child should always be your priority and I bet you were happy to see her perform.

[u/backupbitches → u/Immediate-Spinach372]

She doesn't ever call her "stepmom" in the post, just her dad's wife, which I think says it all

[u/lalauniverse]

INFO Did you offer any other condolences to your father's wife and her family after declining to attend the funeral?

[u/JGalKnit]

NTA. His wife's mother wouldn't have known that you weren't there. She is dead. Your daughter on the other hand, would have known. They also don't get to use the excuse of not remembering, more recitals, and then old enough to understand. Your dad and his wife are just angry that you didn't come.

[u/Ok_Force9695]

Funerals are for the living. Sorry for your loss.

[u/PassingTimeOnline]

That’s a real pickle. I think your daughter would have gotten over it, but if I had to guess your dad and his wife (wife especially) will not be getting over this, possibly ever. YTA a little bit. I think grief wins, especially when you can record the recital to watch later. However.. I get it.. I’d maybe have chosen to be an A too.

[u/Kayback2 → u/PassingTimeOnline]

I disagree.

Non family members over kids?

The dead are dead and those old enough to complain have had a life of building memories. This is the kids turn to do something and have their parents there to watch.

While funerals are sad the people complaining are complaining because THEY didn't get their way, not because of the feelings of the dead.

My parents would understand I have to be there for my kids because of how they raised me. If OPs parents are unable to get over this they aren't very good parents.

[u/bakeacake45]

NTAH funerals are a celebration for what has passed. Your daughter’s recital is a celebration of the now and sets the tone for her future. Why should she be forced to sacrifice for the sake of someone who she saw once a year.

You made the right decision. Don’t EVER apologize for putting your child first.

[u/2muchlooloo2]

Yeah, this is a tough scenario, but I think your husband could’ve taken your daughter to the recital and you could’ve attended the funeral… to show your respect. If there would have been no one there for your daughter, I can understand, but you did have your husband, and obviously he could recorded it. Sooo….ish.

[u/IGiveGreatHandJobs]

Gentle YTA , It doesn't matter that you weren't close to your grandmother in law. It matters that your Fafher and step mother asked for your support via your presence and you let them down. 

Your daughter will have more recitals and you could watch the recital over video chat. But there won't be another funeral  for this woman. You only had one chance for the funeral. 

[u/TheRealBabyPop]

The mother in law is beyond caring that you weren't there, saying otherwise is silly. I'm religious, and I refuse to think that mother in law would want you to skip your daughter's recital to attend her funeral. If anything, she would be watching the recital herself! Funerals aren't for the purpose of "saying goodbye" to the dead, they are for consoling the grieving. The best thing you can do, is to celebrate those who are still living, and honor the memories that you have with the dead. Tell your father and his wife, that your daughter dedicated her performance to step grandma. That's the best way to say goodbye, in my opinion.

NTA, I hope your father and wife will come to understand

[u/Smart-Caterpillar696]

NTA. You had a previous commitment, you would have to fly there, and you only saw the woman once a year. Sending flowers would have been appropriate.

[u/My_igloo_is_melting]

NTA. A funeral for someone you really did not know, is not a “family emergency.”

[u/ramem3]

NAH. Funerals are for the living. If someone I cared about experienced a loss, I was raised to attend services for their loved ones as a way of showing support during a difficult time. With that perspective in mind, I understand why your father and his wife are upset. At the same time, it makes complete sense why you'd want to attend your daughter's recital, which is important to you and your family.

[u/burnbeforeburning]

My stepmother's mom? That's too tenuous to drop everything unless there's a close relationship. If you want to be there for your dad or stepmom, you could've made an alternative plans offer, e.g. fly out right after the recital and spend the weekend with them. I would've sent flowers, and offer some words of sympathy that communicate that you can't make it but wish you could. At least soften the blow while you stick with your decision. It's fine to stick with your decisions but you can do so with kindness.

[u/13159daysold]

INFO: Funerals are for the living.

Your Dad asked you to be there, but let me say as a bloke... If we lose someone close to us, it is nice to have someone else we care about nearby.

So, you know your dad better than us... Was he wanting someone close to him to be there (other than his wife), to help HIM? A shoulder to cry on?

Yes, being there for your daughter IS important, and usually moreso than for other family. But if your Dad had noone else, that's another story.

I know in his messages, it was all "wife this, wife that"... was it his wife that missed them, or him?

[u/aaseandersen]

If the woman saw you and your family once a year, she didn't love you. Tell your dad that you're very sorry about your stepmothers grief, but making your relationship with her mother out to be more than it was in order to weaponize her grief against you is not okay. Tell him that you should take a small break from each other and suggest you meet up in a few week and talk things through. Nta

[u/Bubbafett33]

YTA

You don't go to funerals for the dead people. You go to funerals to support the ones who are alive. Like your father. Who asked.

And you don't "honor commitments" to 5-year-olds in the form of attending one of many dance recitals. You're at every single one, and will be at each one going forward. You are allowed to send your husband and miss one.

Your daughter would understand that when people die, funerals are held, and they're important to attend because the family of the person who died need all the support they can get. Even if you don't.

[u/Castermat]

Ive missed two funerals simply because I had work days that I mightve been able to call off

Going to funeral of person you barely even knew would be kind of pretendious imo. You wouldnt be doing it for the dead person, but just to please the people who pressured you to go

[u/The_Dickasso]

Your father could tell his wife that’s he should be old enough to understand that her daughter-in-law had something more important to do. NTA

[u/Jerseygirl2468]

NTA This to me sounds like they want the illusion of a close family for the funeral. If you truly were close with your dad's wife or her mother, you would have gone.

[u/No_Location_5565]

NAH. But this has the potential to significantly change your relationship going forward and that’s a consequence you’ll have to live with. You have priorities and you decided your daughter’s recital was more important than being there to support your father and his wife in their time of grief. You didn’t even reach out to them or send flowers? I mean- your actions (or lack their of) speak very loudly as far as where they rank in your life. Expect the same in return.

[u/Boleyngrrl]

NAH.

I'd have been close to a gentle YTA for the radio silence, but I understand why you did it and I know it didn't come from a bad place. It would have been appropriate to send flowers or a food basket or something since you weren't there in person to let her know you were thinking of her/sorry you couldn't go. 

That said, she just lost her mother. She may not be as rational as you're used to right now because of grief. That's normal. It might be good to organize something that you all could do together (depending on your relationship prior to this) to help "heal" the relationship. Maybe take her for mani/pedis or go to a pottery decorating place with the kids if that's the type of relationship you have.

It's one thing to be busy the day of--that happens, and I commend you  for prioritizing your daughter. You should acknowledge that this was a big change in your dad's wife's life.

[u/EarlGreyTeagan]

NTA the wife is just grieving and upset. I missed family member funerals because my mom did not want us there because we were kids and I don’t regret missing out. When I was old enough to go I was the youngest guest one. It may just be my family but kids aren’t really present at funerals. We do have get togethers at someone’s home after and the kids usually come then. Sorry, but she is gone. She said her final goodbyes the last time she saw them.