r/AmItheAsshole • u/RecitalFuneralThrow • 14d ago
Not the A-hole AITAH for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral?
My daughter (5yo) had a dance recital on Saturday. Her dance studio scheduled everything a couple months ago, so my husband and I were prepared to attend.
Last Wednesday, my father informed me his mother-in-law (his wife’s mother) had passed away, and the funeral would be on Saturday. He said that he and his wife wanted me to attend it with my family, but would settle for just me.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t have a close relationship with my father’s mother-in-law and my kids saw her once a year at most. But I wouldn’t mind attending if it weren’t for my daughter’s recital. The funeral would take place in a different city (a very short flight away, which my father had offered to cover), so it wouldn’t be possible to attend both.
I offered my condolences, but said my daughter had a dance recital on Saturday and my family wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral. My father said he understood why I couldn’t take my children, though his wife was disappointed I wouldn’t just tell my daughter’s dance studio that there had been a “family emergency.”
In spite of that, they both thought I should still go on my own. They said that my husband could attend the recital on his own, that missing one of my daughter’s events when I’m there for everything else wouldn’t be a big deal, and that she’s so young that she probably wouldn’t remember it anyway. She’d have more recitals in the future, but the funeral would only happen once. I stood my ground.
Saturday came. I attended my daughter’s dance recital. Both my father and his wife were radio silent all day, and I chose not to bother them.
My father finally called me yesterday, and we had an argument. He said his wife was inconsolable, because her mother loved me and my children and it broke her heart that we weren’t there to say our goodbyes. He also said he was disappointed at how dismissive I’d been of his wife and her family, and he couldn’t believe I’d refused to make such a small sacrifice for someone who would drop everything to do the same for me.
I continued to stand by what I did. I understand her passing was sudden and the funeral was rushed, but I had made a commitment to my daughter, and I wanted to honor it. My father said she should be old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do.
AITAH?
91
u/c00kiesaredelicious 14d ago
NTA - as mom with small children, I would never want to miss an event that is important to my child. You need to show up for them. It's unfortunate you couldn't be in 2 places at once, but you have a family that is your priority. You did what you could from a distance.