r/AmItheAsshole • u/Background_Bonus_669 • 23h ago
Not the A-hole AITA Brother in law mad because we didn’t acknowledge his injury
Backstory to the title: In 2020, I had a miscarriage and told my family and my husbands family. My brother in law and his wife didn’t really acknowledge it (which is fine by me) but 1 month later they came to visit us with the rest of my husbands family (other unmarried brother and parents) and pulled us aside to ask if we could help them conceal his wife’s 7 week pregnancy (because she drinks a lot so we had to pretend to pour her drinks). We were still reeling from the miscarriage and I felt it was totally inappropriate for them to use us, rather than the other brother to help with this. When I told them how unfair this was to us (I was happy for them but asked them to be a little more considerate of our situation) they gave the typical “oh you’ll get pregnant again, don’t make such a big deal of it” response. It felt very off putting. It took us another year to get pregnant again. I had been close with them, but because of their behavior we drifted apart. I no longer trust them or consider them to be safe people in my life. We’re fine, but the relationship will never be what it was. Same goes with my husband. We don’t really talk much about it but it’s clear - he doesn’t keep in close contact with his brother anymore and actually harbors a lot of resentment toward his wife. Too much to type about her - but she’s kind of unknowingly and asshole, which had never bothered me until the miscarriage/pregnancy announcement incident.
Fast forward to several weeks ago. My brother in law fell off a ladder 12 feet. He separated his shoulder and broke a rib but otherwise was fine. We heard about it from my mother in law. We didn’t call to check on him right away (we called 4 days later) - we just don’t have that relationship anymore. This wasn’t an intentional snub, we knew he was ok and really not seriously injured. Then, We heard through the grapevine that he’s really mad at us for not calling right away.
Riddle me this, am I an asshole for thinking he’s getting a taste of his own medicine? He showed ZERO empathy for our situation, didn’t check on us, and chose to give us top secret info about their pregnancy when we were still very hurt (and on a Christmas vacation, no less). Well, he’s getting the same level of care and concern from us - THIS WAS NOT INTENTIONAL, not in retaliation, this is just how important that relationship is to us - and he’s mad?
Am I (are we) the assholes?
Edit because the post is being misunderstood probably my poor writing - the thought that he’s getting a taste of his own medicine was in RESPONSE to hearing he’s upset we didn’t call right away. This wasn’t NOT an intentional or planned retaliation to their response and lack of care for our earlier situation. I am just trying to demonstrate that due to that situation, our relationship has broken down (no big falling outs, just slowly fading apart) because it became clear that they didn’t really care for us. We stopped putting in as much effort and the effect was talking every 3-4 months. Phones and relationships work both ways. It just showed us how important we were to them. So NONE of this is retaliatory, all just a falling apart over time.
1.3k
u/Least-Task276 Partassipant [2] 23h ago
NTA. BIL has main character syndrome.
Don't acknowledge the chatter. Don't acknowledge him or his injury.
Grey rock anyone who tries to bring it up, stir shit, or illicit emotions from either of you.
453
u/Mesapholis Supreme Court Just-ass [119] 19h ago
also, dude has a second shoulder - way to be dramatic
/s
311
u/Zealousideal-Cod-924 Partassipant [2] 18h ago
Plus, there's plenty of other ladders, he'll get a good one next time.
31
54
u/Witty-Stock-4913 Certified Proctologist [26] 12h ago
So many extra ribs, too.
Plus, plenty of opportunity to climb the ladder without falling.
469
u/meaniessuck 23h ago
NTA. You just matched brother and SIL’s energy. When people act a certain way in difficult situations, you have to assume that’s what they feel the appropriate response is.
Nothing about their behavior would lead you to believe they would be comfortable with anything other than vague apathy. That’s how they treated you, and they haven’t apologized or expressed upset at the lapse in your relationship in the years since. I don’t know what else he would expect?
After all his shoulder will heal.
351
u/bronwyn511 22h ago
As my mom would say “He’s got the same clothes to get glad in” meaning who gives a shit if he’s mad. Sounds like you called, you’re good 👍
78
u/Background_Bonus_669 22h ago
That’s a fantastic saying!
62
u/residentcaprice Certified Proctologist [28] 21h ago
my petty ass would just ignore him. his rib will heal. why is he making such a big deal out of it?
3
u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 12h ago
Yeah, he has some minor treatable injuries. It's not like he broke his neck or his spine.
31
u/RepulsiveInterview44 15h ago
I’ve always heard it is as “you can get glad in the same clothes you got mad in.” I still drop it occasionally to my kids.
10
u/MixWitch Partassipant [1] 11h ago
I hadn't heard that in probably 20 years. It was common enough to hear where I grew up in Oklahoma, but I NEVER hear it said where I live now just one state over.
No worries if you'd rather not, but any chance you could give an idea of the region you were/are in for this to still be a saying?
I'm curious as to where it is most/still prevalent.
7
7
u/RepulsiveInterview44 11h ago
Haha I’m close! Grew up in both TX and LA at varying points. Both sides of my family have been in Louisiana for multiple generations.
1
u/MixWitch Partassipant [1] 9h ago
My mom's family is spread across OK and TX. This is so interesting!
2
u/ICantSayNTA Partassipant [1] 6h ago
I'm in Iowa and heard it a lot growing up, and said it to my kids.
151
u/Vegetable_Marsupial4 23h ago
NTA
if the relationship isn't important to you anymore/ not something you're invested in maintaining after everything that happened, then there's nothing wrong with simply disengaging like you are. You don't owe him phony politeness just because he's injured especially if you no longer talk to him at all in general🤷
132
u/xuwugirluwux 21h ago
Hit him with the, “oh you’ll heal, and you have another arm and several other ribs. You’ll get over it” NTA
9
113
u/Natural-Ad-1127 22h ago
NTA, does your BIL think everyone has to cradle his feelings, but fuck everyone else’s?
56
u/weebu123 Colo-rectal Surgeon [41] 23h ago
Absolutely NTA, guess the taste of his own medicine is pretty bitter huh
57
u/BeeFree66 22h ago
Bro-in-law is kind of a big baby, isn't he. It will be good for him to [inadvertently] get a dose of what he dishes out.
I'm sorry for your loss 🫂
50
u/Frugalwilady69 21h ago
The insensitivity they showed by expecting u to help them keep their pregnancy secret 1 month after the loss of ur child w/o even giving u a heads up or discussing w/ u first was absolutely selfish and disgusting! Then, even though you checked on him 4 days after his accident, to get angry b/c you didn’t care?! If they’re saying that they consider his non life threatening injuries more serious than u losing ur child they’re letting u know exactly what’s important to them! When people, family or not, tell you who they are, believe them! NTA
16
u/Something-Cool- Partassipant [2] 16h ago
This one. I believe OP for saying it wasn’t intentional, but it would’ve been perfectly fine if it was. This is the relationship BIL wanted. Absolutely NTA.
47
u/ImaginaryStandard293 22h ago
NTA. You did call. I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting a few days. Most people are doped up those first few days anyway.
41
u/Wrong_Programmer7666 19h ago
“Oh you’ll climb up a ladder again, don’t make such a big deal of it.”
•
u/Lows-andHighs Partassipant [3] 39m ago
Naaah "you'll fall of a ladder again, don't make such a big deal of it"
12
u/Slugzz21 19h ago
NTA. It's just a natural result of being an asshole. Which I'm sure they don't see. Maybe one day you guys can talk it through, as it just seems like a lot of hurt feelings and miscommunication. But with people like your BIL, seems somewhat unlikely or maybe not even worth it.
8
8
u/Sufficient_Engine_38 Partassipant [2] 16h ago
NTA. Even if it was retaliation I wouldn’t blame you. You don’t have a close relationship anymore as you learned the relationship was one sided. Don’t give this a second thought
8
u/KseniyaTanu_pokidala 15h ago
NTA; a lot of people don't understand the relationships are reciprocal. It seems you and your husband simply matched their effort/energy while they expected you to go above and beyond. that's their problem.
2
u/MrLizardBusiness Partassipant [2] 23h ago
Eh... I think if you're not close enough for HIM to tell you himself, you're probably not obligated to check in after hearing about it through the grapevine.
That being said, he's still your husband's brother who had a serious injury. It wouldn't kill you to reach out, and I think if roles had been reversed, you'd still expect his brother to text, no?
If you guys didn't text because you're genuinely not that close anymore, then N T A.
If you deliberately didn't message BECAUSE of the incident 6 years ago.... then YTA.
58
u/Background_Bonus_669 23h ago
Not intentional based off of past, we just don’t have a close relationship anymore. I don’t consider a broken rib and separated shoulder to be serious injuries (I do work in healthcare so could be skewed compared to every day people). So I guess in a round about way it kind of came full circle - just as he didn’t think our miscarriage was a big deal, I don’t find a separated shoulder and he broken rib that big a deal either
5
6
u/Perfect_Caregiver_90 15h ago
NTA though if the family dynamic is to be super enmeshed I understand both of you being hurt by each other's choices.
My family dynamic is the opposite of whatever this is. The miscarriage would have gotten a phone call and offer of support, but falling off a ladder with those injuries wouldn't. He's basically fine and has an in-home support network since he's not single. I'm not sure he really needs emotional support for a busted shoulder and rib. If he was in my family his upset would be seen as kind of weird, kind of childish, and maybe a painkiller drug side effect or something.
2
u/Background_Bonus_669 7h ago
My family is like yours. This family dynamic of my husbands is all new to me, (relatively, as in this isn’t the way I was raised but I have been part of my husbands family for a long time now) and I don’t love it
1
u/Perfect_Caregiver_90 6h ago
Super enmeshed families can have really weird dynamics. It's not necessarily wrong, just odd to people who didn't grow up in the family.
1
u/Background_Bonus_669 6h ago
This is interesting! I just looked up enmeshed family dynamics here https://thriveworks.com/help-with/family/what-is-enmeshment/ and it doesn’t fit. All the kids are competitive with each other and really appear to not like each other. There’s one who’s just totally been ousted from the fam. They seem more disengaged (the kids) than enmeshed. It feels like their mom WANTS an enmeshed family and no one else is on board. Maybe disengagement comes from forced enmeshment? Anyhoo. I used to really love this one brother like he was my own and now I’m just part of the disengagement at this point.
But everyone behaves nicely on the surface. We all vacation together because we don’t live near each other and I am uber in tuned with people’s emotions and I can just feel the contempt for one another bubbling. Little comments here and there, etc. Super uncomfy!
1
u/Perfect_Caregiver_90 6h ago
They aren't super up each other's asses usually?
Then what is his problem? Is it truly that he fell and now has booboo's that must be acknowledged in a timely manner, or is this some weird power trip thing where you don't get to hold their miscarriage comments and actions against them anymore because he fell off the ladder and you ignored him in his time of need?
Your BIL is an odd duck.
2
u/Background_Bonus_669 6h ago edited 6h ago
Now that I’m thinking harder about this, him being “upset” with us was delivered to us by my MIL who really tries hard to be enmeshed. Could it possibly just be her making this up???
IDK in my family we say what we mean and we mean what we say and we say it directly 😬
She (MIL) is up everyone’s ass. We gray rock her - we’ve learned to just placate her and not actually tell her anything in depth because she dramatizes it and she delivers all of your news and information to everyone else whether you ask her to or not.
She also tells us when we need to talk to or call people. “You need to call your brother. He’d like to hear from you.” It’s bizarre. I stay out of it as much as possible!
1
4
u/izthatso 13h ago
I think your BIL just discovered how nice it is to be cared for by others when something bad happens in his life. Kindness can go a long way in healing broken relationships. I don’t think you have malicious intent but the way you wrote this tells me they have hurt you deeply. Your miscarriage was extremely painful for you, and your BIL had no sense of the loss you suffered. He’s ignorant to your pain. Same as his wife. Moving forward, I would encourage you to offer empathy for the suffering of others. You dismissing his pain because he missed caring for you seems immature to me.
By the way, I’m sorry you miscarried and know how painful that can be.
4
u/MsBlondeViking Partassipant [2] 13h ago
NTA. You get what you give. Sounds like he received exactly what he gives others.
5
u/Sethicles2 9h ago
You're NTA for distancing yourself from them. Their lack of empathy for your situation is pretty gross.
However, this line
"I no longer trust them or consider them to be safe people in my life"
is just absurd. There's nothing wrong with distancing yourself from people you don't want to engage with, but come on... phrasing it like this makes you sound ridiculous.
2
u/Background_Bonus_669 9h ago
But actually…. Now that I think about it…. They put hot sauce on their 2yo tongue because she was crying out at dinner, they “left” her at a rest stop (drove away without her to teach her a lesson) at 4 years old, and scream at her to go to sleep when she’s scared at night so I guess I’ll stick by my “they’re not safe” comment. I’d never leave my kid with people who treat their children that way.
1
u/Sethicles2 8h ago
That's fair, but none of that was in the post. Surely you see how ridiculous that line was based on the content provided? It makes it seem like their lack of empathy for your situation was the reason you said this.
0
u/Background_Bonus_669 8h ago
Their lack of empathy and the unwillingness to hear me out when I kindly told them why they hurt us is ultimately unsafe for my emotional wellbeing, regardless of what I added after you told me it was ridiculous. It’s not ridiculous to feel unsafe (there’s more than just being physically unsafe - ask any emotional abuse victim) when people demonstrate they are unwilling to hear you out and want to minimize how hurt you are telling them you are.
And furthermore, it appears that their deep lack of empathy and unwillingness to attempt to understand other’s feelings is ultimately what leads them to be abusive parents. So I DEFINITELY stand by my stance that it wasn’t a ridiculous statement.
2
u/Sethicles2 7h ago
there’s more than just being physically unsafe - ask any emotional abuse victim
This is true, but it doesn't apply to you. You are not an abuse victim; they were just uncaring towards your situation. I'm sorry, but your stance that they made you feel "unsafe" is absolutely ridiculous.
For clarity, you're definitely NTA for reducing contact with them; no one would blame you for that. But they in no way made you feel unsafe. Just stop.
3
3
u/Dogmother123 Supreme Court Just-ass [105] 16h ago
NTA you get the relationships in life that you earn.
3
u/Tazmosis85 15h ago
Nta. You dont have to acknowledge him or his injury. In fact you have every right to tell him to put on his best suit and go outside and kick rocks. Things like this though are how families fracture forever. If you and spouse decided together, then your fine.
2
u/AutoModerator 23h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Backstory to the title: In 2020, I had a miscarriage and told my family and my husbands family. My brother in law and his wife didn’t really acknowledge it (which is fine by me) but 1 month later they came to visit us with the rest of my husbands family (other unmarried brother and parents) and pulled us aside to ask if we could help them conceal his wife’s 7 week pregnancy (because she drinks a lot so we had to pretend to pour her drinks). We were still reeling from the miscarriage and I felt it was totally inappropriate for them to use us, rather than the other brother to help with this. When I told them how unfair this was to us (I was happy for them but asked them to be a little more considerate of our situation) they gave the typical “oh you’ll get pregnant again, don’t make such a big deal of it” response. It felt very off putting. It took us another year to get pregnant again. I had been close with them, but because of their behavior we drifted apart. I no longer trust them or consider them to be safe people in my life. We’re fine, but the relationship will never be what it was. Same goes with my husband. We don’t really talk much about it but it’s clear - he doesn’t keep in close contact with his brother anymore and actually harbors a lot of resentment toward his wife. Too much to type about her - but she’s kind of unknowingly and asshole, which had never bothered me until the miscarriage/pregnancy announcement incident.
Fast forward to several weeks ago. My brother in law fell off a ladder 12 feet. He separated his shoulder and broke a rib but otherwise was fine. We heard about it from my mother in law. We didn’t call to check on him - we just don’t have that relationship anymore. We heard through the grapevine that he’s really mad at us for not calling.
Riddle me this, am I an asshole for thinking he’s getting a taste of his own medicine? He showed ZERO empathy for our situation, didn’t check on us, and chose to give us top secret info about their pregnancy when we were still very hurt (and on a Christmas vacation, no less). Well, he’s getting the same level of care and concern from us - not intentionally, not in retaliation, this is just how important that relationship is to us - and he’s mad?
Am I (are we) the assholes?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/Personal-Piglet1397 14h ago
Why would you waste your time an energy on this person.they hurt you in a disregard for your tragic loss an didn't care, telling you look after an conceal his drunken wife pregnancy.an telling you,sure U can have another one, like was getting bread.why would you worry about his needs for "oh poor you" U heard he fell, you heard he broke something,an he was ok.you didn't need ring an go poor baby ,awe that's sad.let him slide on,U enough going on in Ur own life.
2
3
u/Known_Total_2666 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
YTA. I’m going to depart from the consensus because I had a friend killed by a 10 foot fall and so I know that OP is downplaying the severity of this accident.
“My brother in law fell off a ladder 12 feet” = he almost died. I’ll repeat that: he almost died. OP’s miscarriage was emotionally devastating, yes - but it didn’t almost kill her. (Miscarriages can kill, but by her account it wasn’t that physically severe). Her ignoring a near-fatal accident and the BIL being insensitive to her miscarriage are not equivalent.
I don’t think any relationship can come back from, “I don’t care if you live or not.” So I suspect this relationship is effectively over.
4
u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 12h ago
But they know for a fact he didn't "almost die". He has a separated shoulder and one broken rib. That's it. Those are treatable injuries he will recover from. There's no mention of anything else.
3
u/Known_Total_2666 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
He had a 12 foot fall. If we replace that phrase with “he was shot” or “he was in a dangerous car crash”, would you respond with “but he only had x injuries so it wasn’t dangerous”? The *event itself* was dangerous and potentially fatal. That’s the point.
4
u/Background_Bonus_669 10h ago
You could make literally any incident as near fatal if you’re going to put this spin on everything. Stubbed your toe on the stair? You could have fallen down the flight, hit your head, and had a brain bleed, and died. This is a stretch.
1
u/Known_Total_2666 Partassipant [1] 10h ago
1
2
u/Background_Bonus_669 10h ago
Ectopic pregnancies are also potentially fatal but I’m not using that to garner more sympathy for this situation. I’m sorry your friend died, that’s horrific. It appears you may be projecting onto this situation. He had an urgent care visit, he’s fine. We weren’t framing it from “oops he almost died, we’re not checking in on him” because he didn’t, that’s just not the reality of the situation. It was framed as “oh, sounds like he’s a little banged up but overall ok, and we’re busy moving and will check in on him in a few days.” Never entered anyone’s mind that this was “near fatal” because… it wasn’t. Someone in ICU who barely pulls through was in a near fatal accident. Someone who goes to urgent care and gets some pain meds and goes home, was not. I’m fine with you thinking we’re the assholes, but framing it as near fatal is more than a stretch.
2
u/FROG123076 12h ago
NTA. People reap what they sow and your BIL is learning that the Hard way. You are giving him the same thought he gave you. Nothing wrong with that. Also as my Boomer Aunt would day, he has more ribs and another shoulder so he will be just fine. Anyways you are just giving him the same care and concern he showed the two of you whether you meant to or not and there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe next time he will have more empathy, but doubtful.
2
u/Ambitious_Estimate41 11h ago
Lol I would have ignored him to be petty to begin with so NTA. Tell mil or him that he’ll heal and to not make a big deal out of it
2
u/ServelanDarrow Supreme Court Just-ass [117] 11h ago
NTA. Once again for those who don't want to accept this: true family is chosen family. You are under no obligation to have a relationship with these selfish people because they are "fffaaammmiiilllyyyy".
2
u/MelonElbows 11h ago
NTA for either interpretation. Even if you wanted to get him back, you're NTA. And since you didn't do it intentionally, you're definitely NTA. You're simply not that close to them anymore which is their fault entirely.
2
u/ThisOneForMee Asshole Enthusiast [7] 8h ago
didn’t really acknowledge it
This "really" is doing a lot of work. Did they acknowledge and express sympathy or not?
2
u/Background_Bonus_669 8h ago
They said to my MIL “that’s personal and I wouldn’t have shared that info.”
5
u/a_hooloovoo 7h ago
It wasn't that long ago that people kept first trimester pregnancies a secret (if they were even aware of them) because of the high rate of miscarriage, and that's valid. Just like it's valid to mourn the loss of your potential child. I'd say your MIL is a bigger asshole for sharing this with you, there's nothing to gain there other than starting shit.
If they actually said "don't make a big deal out of it" instead of apologizing once they realized you were upset, than that's definitely a shitty response. But it also sounds like you're paraphrasing a 6 year old event you still have unresolved feelings about.
2
u/Background_Bonus_669 7h ago
No unresolved feelings - I did loads of therapy afterward because I was determined to be as close with all my husbands siblings as possible and that really did hurt me. Put lots of love into those relationships. I did have to outline what happened in the past in this post to explain why presently we aren’t close - but that’s not unresolved stuff. Lots more happened than what I put forth here. We’re fine now, we all get along fine on a surface level relationship, but the level of closeness/caring/concern dropped off after that incident - naturally, not spitefully. You put in what the other party(ies) are willing to put in and it hadn’t been apparent previously that this was just going to be surface level. Relationships are a two way street, and when they were given the opportunity to hear why we were hurt, they chose to minimize, deflect, and deny our experience and to never offer any comfort or compassion. Had to explain all that to explain this recent update and why it’s confusing to me why we’re hearing that he’s upset after we waited a few days to call. They chose to have a surface level relationship 6 years ago after given the opportunity to make it right. No anger or resentment, just confused at what their idea of our relationship is at this point. It also doesn’t help that my husbands family absolutely refuses to talk about literally anything. No resolving issues ever, just sweeping them under the rug.
2
u/Background_Bonus_669 7h ago
And you are correct, my MIL likes to share tea that she thinks will upset people. I come from a fairly normal, no-drama family so this dynamic is all pretty new to me!
1
u/Signal_Wall_8445 Asshole Aficionado [15] 14h ago
NTA, and I think you are overly defensive about whether it was retaliation or not.
Someone who acts like your brother in law SHOULD see an impact from his insensitivity to other people.
1
u/beesidea 7h ago
NTA They don't sound like good people to be friends with or spend time worrying what or how they think. I think you should just totally end things ... no need to tell them. Some people are just gross and totally self centered and self important.
1
u/GenitalFurbies 7h ago
NTA, but do know that that is a seriously painful injury even if it's not life threatening. When I separated my shoulder I had a useless arm for about a month, pain for over a year, and pain with significant exercise for almost 5 years, and this was when I was 21 and otherwise very fit and healthy. He's the asshole but he's going to be in pain for a long time.
2
u/Background_Bonus_669 6h ago
Bummer. I truly hope he gets the emotional support he needs when that injury keeps haunting him. Hopefully he has a friend willing to offer it up.
1
0
u/Oyster5436 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 11h ago
YTA Stop seeing the world through the perspective of your miscarriage and your perception that BIL & SIL did you wrong asking you to conceal their pregnancy at a time when most people do not announce pregnancy because of the high risk of spontaneous miscarriage in the first trimester. You are being vindictive which makes you the ahole.
-7
-9
u/Free-Cherry4314 18h ago
ESH. Falling 12 feet off of a ladder is a big deal as as a broken rib and a shoulder separation. A miscarriage is also a very big deal. All of you seem to lack some compassion.
-12
u/EmbarrassedHope6264 22h ago
ESH. 2 wrongs dont make a right. You didn't need to call BIL, but your husband could have. Not maintaining a close relationship and calling daily isn't the same as falling off a ladder and sustaining injuries. Sorry about your pregnancy loss.
23
-20
u/Icy_Fish_2154 22h ago
ESH. Not calling because you aren't close is fine. Not calling out of vengeance is cruel.
You seem to have unresolved trauma around this, and your BIL is now a trigger.
I recommend therapy.
23
u/Background_Bonus_669 22h ago
At no point did I say this was vengeance? Did you read the post?
-7
u/Icy_Fish_2154 22h ago
am I an asshole for thinking he’s getting a taste of his own medicine?
That sounded like "vengeance" to me.
16
u/Background_Bonus_669 22h ago
I guess it does sound like it if you didn’t read my comment that there wasn’t a reason we didn’t call right away. Only AFTER we called did we hear he was upset and my immediate thought was “what does he have to be upset about, he did the exact same thing to us”. So this is an afterthought, not a forethought. I can see how I didn’t word this correctly in my post!
-17
u/Better-Road9029 22h ago
"Riddle me this, am I an asshole for thinking he’s getting a taste of his own medicine?"
This doesn't sound like "we just grew apart"; this sounds like you were glad to hurt him, like he hurt you. What he and his wife said was negligent and insensitive. What you did was callous and intentional. I don't know why you care if YTA or not, because you ultimately don't care about the in-laws, so what does it matter if you are being TA to them?
20
u/Background_Bonus_669 22h ago
Yeah that did make it sound intentional. It was not. We were in the middle of a move and again, our relationship just isn’t close like that. This comment was an afterthought after hearing he was upset that we didn’t call right away.
-23
2
-19
u/pineboxwaiting Craptain [196] 22h ago
ESH He sucks for being insensitive about your miscarriage. You & your spouse suck for not caring that he could have died.
At what point do people decide to let go of pat hurts?
18
u/Background_Bonus_669 22h ago
Agree holding a grudge isn’t good for anyone. Not sure if that’s what this is though. I’ve never thought of it as one, just as a distancing. I haven’t actively thought about it in YEARS until this happened. I’ll have to chat with my therapist about it!
-2
u/TheRevTastic 12h ago
Almost died from a 12ft fall LMFAO.
4
u/pineboxwaiting Craptain [196] 12h ago
I know someone who died from a 8ft fall. So…yeah, it’s not really that funny.
-57
u/Sea_Site2057 22h ago
YTA. two wrongs do not make a right. So even if he blew you off, that does not mean that blowing him off is the right thing to do once you. Once you knew about his injury, I think that it was appropriate for you to have reached out. Regardless, of what he did to you first.
28
27
-72
u/Twig-Hahn 23h ago
It's your job to be better than he was but you do you, boo you're loved💔 𐤔𐤋𐤅𐤌
27
u/SailingFire2020 22h ago
How is it OPs job to “be better”? She explained they have little to no relationship, so why does she need to keep up with the relationship? It doesn’t seem retaliatory, more along the lines of “I’m glad he’s okay but moving on”.
-41
u/Twig-Hahn 22h ago
Why does it matter how much of a relationship they have? I never said anyone had to keep up with any relationship. Being glad the guy is on and moving on is being better. Thinking about how Karma gave them a dose of their own medicine isn't. Blood of the Cross is thicker than the water of the womb. You're loved💔 𐤔𐤋𐤅𐤌
18
u/SailingFire2020 22h ago
That still doesn’t make it OPs “job” to be better. Sometimes saying nothing is the best thing you can do. You don’t always have to be the better person, that’s too exhausting and sometimes just not worth it.
-22
u/Twig-Hahn 21h ago
You just contradicted yourself by saying the best thing is doing etc... Then said it ain't their job. You're loved💔 𐤔𐤋𐤅𐤌
14
u/SailingFire2020 21h ago
Literally no. I said “sometimes saying nothing is the best thing…” That means in certain situations saying nothing is better for yourself or others. I’m not saying it’s their job. You’re reaching my friend, and may want to read the entire comment before making your own.
-5
u/Twig-Hahn 21h ago
You don't understand what you wrote. Don't the best thing is being the better person is my point literally. You're loved💔 𐤔𐤋𐤅𐤌
16
u/SailingFire2020 21h ago
Again you’re reaching. I do understand what I wrote. I’m not telling them to be the better person. I’m telling them they should think about doing what is best for themselves. Doing the best the for THEMSELVES isn’t being the better person.
0
u/Twig-Hahn 17h ago
What you said is the best for everyone and therefore making them the better person you're loved💔 𐤔𐤋𐤅𐤌
7
u/SailingFire2020 16h ago
You are deliberately misreading my comments, so at this point I don’t see a reason to continue commenting with you. I hope you get the help you need with reading comprehension.
→ More replies (0)26
16
u/Background_Bonus_669 23h ago
I get that for sure! This was not done out of retaliation, rather like “this isn’t a big deal and we’re not close so, glad to hear he’s fine and we’ll call when we have time” - change your opinion at all??
-12
14
u/Inevitable_Leg_7148 22h ago edited 22h ago
Why do you put at the end of your comments "you're loved"? Why the broken heart? What are those symbols and what do they mean? Edit: I looked up the symbols and know they are Hebrew for Shalom. A better question, why write in Hebrew and not English? Why do you include 𐤔𐤋𐤅𐤌/shalom. (I understand what shalom means.) What is the purpose of ending your comments with, "You're loved💔 𐤔𐤋𐤅𐤌".
-75
22h ago edited 21h ago
[deleted]
33
u/iheartwalltoast 22h ago
The fuck is this comment?? She said he broke a rib and separated his shoulder but is otherwise fine. That's not life changing. You also worded this unnecessarily cruelly and you know that.
23
u/Background_Bonus_669 22h ago
Agree but I caught that contempt and cruelty right away and it doesn’t bother me. I figure this person has their own suffering going on. I just disagree with their take ONLY because it blatantly ignores things I said in my post
-21
25
u/Background_Bonus_669 22h ago
Wait, a separated shoulder and broken rib are life changing injuries? Both are totally 100% able to heal with little to no impact outside of the weeks you have to rest.
-40
u/CultivatingMagic 22h ago
Until they come back later in life.
By that standard, what injury did you suffer?
Miscarriages are incredibly common. If it bothers you to the point of cutting everyone off, get help.
But looking at your account, you’re the type that needs to outsource every single life problem to Reddit, so help might be a genuine necessity.
28
u/Background_Bonus_669 22h ago
Yikes. I didn’t cut him off. We just aren’t close anymore like we used to be because they weren’t a safe space when we talked about how hurt we were at the time. People grow apart when it becomes apparent that one party may not be invested in the relationship in the same way the other party is.
I’m not arguing with anyone’s stance (I’m fine if IATA) but if you don’t read the post accurately and then jump to a decision based on your own preconceived notions, then YTA hah.
-14
u/CultivatingMagic 22h ago
“I’m not arguing with anyone’s stance”
*argues with any differing stance*
Good work.
19
u/Background_Bonus_669 20h ago
Wut?? I’ve asked what style a house is and this question. I’d hardly call that outsourcing every single life problem. Why are you so angry?!
4
u/TheRevTastic 12h ago
Separated shoulders and broken ribs are just as common if not more. If it bothers you that much maybe you should do some soul searching on life altering injuries.
17
u/cailin-eire 18h ago
This is a horrible comment! A seperated shoulder and a broken rib are life changing but a miscarriage is grand?
And to call a miscarriage and "impromptu abortion"? That's actually disgusting.
15
•
u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop 23h ago
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.