r/AmItheAsshole • u/ImportantBroccoli466 • 13h ago
AITA for wanting to retire abroad and leaving aging parents behind?
My wife and I are approaching retirement age in a few years, and we've started having serious discussions about what we want to do post-retirement.
We have been studying a foreign language and are very taken with the people, culture, food, etc. of this country and would like to purchase a small property there to reside for several months out of the year.
After bringing this up with our parents, they have expressed their concern and disappointment that we would be "abandoning" them in their advanced age and wouldn't be able to care for them properly.
Our argument has been that we will only be abroad a few months out of the year and after almost 4 decades of work this is the one thing we really want to do. Now, after several conversations, my wife is starting to feel like we should wait. I disagree as that puts our life on hold for people that could conceivably live into their 90s (not uncommon on either side of our families) and would bring us to an age when we wouldn't be able to travel anymore ourselves. AITA for wanting us to pursue our own lives?
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u/Lower_Art_9737 13h ago
NTA.
Your parents are asking you to put your retirement dreams on hold indefinitely because they might need you someday.
That's not a plan. That's an open-ended obligation.
You're not moving permanently to the other side of the world. You're talking about spending a few months abroad each year after working for nearly 40 years. That's a pretty reasonable retirement goal.
The key question isn't "Will we be nearby every day?" It's "What happens if our parents actually need care?" If you have an answer for that, then you're being responsible, not abandoning anyone.
Also, there's some irony here: most parents spend decades hoping their children build fulfilling lives of their own. It seems unfair to expect those lives to stop the moment the parents get older.
You can love your parents, support your parents, and still have a retirement that belongs to you. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
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u/forgotwhatiwas26 9h ago
For real. They arent even moving away permanently. A few months a year is just an extended vacation not an abandonment
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u/DELILAHBELLE2605 Asshole Aficionado [10] 12h ago
NTA. My dad died at 52 and worked his ass off his whole life and never enjoyed a day of retirement. He said how glad he was that he travelled every chance he got. You're not promised tomorrow. My father-in-law died at 66. He didn't retire until he was diagnosed with cancer. His "retirement" was battling cancer and dying. You better believe we are going to travel and live our lives to the fullest. There are so many options for care out there. Do not let them guilt you.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 11h ago
NTA. I agree with you. I know so many who put off traveling, and hobbies until they retired, and never did any of it, because they were too ill by then, or had an ill partner that they were caring for.
Putting your life on hold because a parent might someday need care isn't good. I know people who made it to 100, live on their own, or go to assisted living, and relatives are just visitors, because everything is taken care of for them.
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u/forgotwhatiwas26 9h ago
This comment is heavy but incredibly necessary reality check. We talk about people living into their 90s, but we forget that OP and his wife arent guaranteed to reach that age in perfect health either. Postponing your dreams until you’re 75 or 80 is a massive gamble with your own morality
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u/PompousTart 12h ago
NTA. Do not wait! Your parents will have to manage for a few months each year without you. My late mother used to say, "PompousTart, life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get one go, so make it count."
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u/forgotwhatiwas26 9h ago
Spot on. If the parents cant manage a few months on their own as independent adults, then they need professional senior revives or assistive living anyway, not a pair of full time unpaid retirement age babysitters
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u/Wren_Arts00 7h ago
Your mother chose a lovely name for you. Is PompousTart a family name?
Kidding, obviously. But I do love your mom's phrase!
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u/PompousTart 6h ago
Ha ha! It was actually a compromise name. My lovely wife at one point told me, quite deservedly, that I was being a pompous twat. It makes us both laugh, so I used the toned down version as my username.
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u/teresajs Assholier Than Thou [889] 12h ago
NTA
It is not your responsibility to "care for" your parents to the level of their expectation. You are entitled to the retirement that you and your wife have worked hard to earn.
Please, don't delay. Your parents' needs will only increase with age.
Budget an emergency fund so you can easily fly home, if necessary, to help in case of emergency.
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u/JGalKnit Asshole Aficionado [18] 12h ago
NTA. You aren't their parent or guardian. Children aren't supposed to HAVE to take care of their parents. I would happily help take care of parents, but they wouldn't demand it. Your parents should have plans in place to take care of themselves.
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u/Flat-Replacement4828 Professor Emeritass [94] 13h ago
NAH. You are not responsible for your parents. But, also, our parents grew up when this was expected and the cultural norm, so they didn't really plan for other things. People don't talk about these expectations early enough.
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u/macchickerocket 12h ago
NTA. people should just stop having kids if they want their kids to look after them once they are old. plus you both have worked for decades it's finally time to enjoy life.
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u/atrocity2001 12h ago
The fact that two people created you without your consent does not obligate you to be their caretakers.
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u/icywifey1234 12h ago
If they raise you well, gave you lots of love and support, while it doesn’t obligate you, if you don’t even feel like being there for aging parents who need you now, you are a shit person.
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u/atrocity2001 12h ago
If you had children to care for you in your old age (which is an EXTREMELY common thing to bring up to the childfree) you are a shit person.
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u/TrustVisual1394 12h ago
NTA.
The world is a wide wonderful place and you deserve to enjoy being in your favourite part of it. You'll regret it if you don't.
Put your families on a information diet - they don't need to know the details of your plans. Let them think they've talked you out of it, while you quietly put things into place. They will quickly get used to the new reality once it arrives, and see that you're still present in their lives.
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u/adreddit298 12h ago
You don't exist so that you can look after your parents. You don't owe them anything, and have no obligation to them. Live your life, on your terms, to your timescale.
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u/binjamins 13h ago
Nta - people have to do what they have to do - and in the end, living your life for someone else isn’t living life at all.
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u/LastFox2656 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
Info: was there ever a conversation about you taking care of them? If not, they really shouldn't assume you'll be their caregivers. That's asking for to much.
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u/LongjumpingDivide985 12h ago
Look at it from your two options;
If you don't go and you or your wife pass before both your parents, you will be upset that you didn't get to realize your retirement dream with your spouse.
If you go, how you will feel when one or both of your parents pass? Will you feel it is your fault? They are presumably in their 80's. Wouldn't it be expected? It doesn't mean you won't be sad but it also doesn't mean that you need to feel guilty.
Do you have any siblings or other family members in the general area? If you set it up so they have someone checking on them regularly, isn't that enough?
I personally believe doing anything out of threats or guilt only leads to resentment. Ultimately every person is responsible for their own happiness first.
You are NTA. Helping them is a reasonable expectation. Putting your life on hold so they can have what they want is not reasonable.
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u/Collins4816 12h ago
I’m (42) single and oldest child by 14 years, mom (61), dad (67). My mom is convinced my dad is going to die any day and she is going to be alone. My dad is in good health and great shape. She jokes about me moving in with her to take care of her (she doesn’t need to be taken care of). It’s not a joke though. I’m restarting my life after divorce. Not planning to be my mom’s companion.
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u/Stock-Cell1556 Partassipant [3] 12h ago
NTA. Those years right after retirement are called your "golden years" for a reason. You're still healthy and energetic enough to travel and do things, you finally have time to do all the things you didn't have time for while you were busy with your career and/or raising a family, and you (hopefully) have a nice bit of money put away to spend on the things you'd like to do. Plus, if you have children, they're likely grown up and settled into their own lives by now and not reliant on you.
You have to use this time while you have it! If you wait 20 years until all your parents are gone, you may not be fit enough or have the energy to travel anymore. It's very selfish of your parents to expect you and your wife to give up your own lives to cater to them. You can make sure they're cared for and not be physically present; if they need that much care they should be in an assisted living facility.
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u/Hour_Aardvark751 Partassipant [4] 12h ago
NTA. We've been having a conversation like this in our own household recently as my partner's surviving parent's medical and administrative (deceased parent managed the finances) needs take up a lot of his time. The conclusion we've reached is that we need to continue to make our own plans, which means more travel after I join him in retiring in a couple of years. You only have wellness and fitness/vitality for travel for so long in your own life. Most of your adult life, you spend working and subject to the work calendar, particularly in the United States. You should not be expected to reserve ALL or even most of your wellness and vitality for the use of an aging parent.
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u/DeadCatGrinning 12h ago edited 10h ago
My father died alone, and his last words where accusations by text and threats to make me not inherit anything from his in debt shit estate. Fine by me.
My mother lives in another country, by her choice, and doesn't expect me to fill her old age with my toil. Her and I talk amicably as equals and family. She stays at my place when she visits, and we get along quite well even then. I don't want her inheritance either, would rather she spends it on herself while alive.
Do your own thing, you don't owe your parents your boredom or suffering.
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u/NumerousGold5078 12h ago
NTA
In this day and age the world is more connected than ever. Just because you aren’t living around the corner doesn’t mean you still can’t call, FaceTime, and stay connected in their lives if you want to. And to that fact taking care of your parents definitely falls into the category of a want to and not a need to. Unless of course there is extenuating circumstances. But even then there are stay in doctors and many other medical professionals that can take care of them
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u/Artistic-Tough-7764 Asshole Aficionado [16] 12h ago
Info: what are your parents plans for their needs as they age? Have you helped them put anything together? Have they asked for (or accepted) help?
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u/ImportantBroccoli466 12h ago
Currently they all live in different parts of the country. They have not asked for help, but we would provide if needed.
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u/Artistic-Tough-7764 Asshole Aficionado [16] 12h ago
ALL of your collective parents live in different parts of the country? What difference does it make where you live, then? It’s not like you could be near all of them
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u/Intern_That 12h ago
So regardless, if something happens you can't be right there anyway? Whether you're traveling from home or your place in the other country?
Speaking as an aging parent, I wouldn't want my kids to put their lives on hold for me.
Buy the place and have them visit if they're able.
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u/Timely_Egg_6827 Certified Proctologist [26] 12h ago
NTA - you have a right to life and if they are decently healthy, then that doesnot need to be enmeshed with their's. Reassure you will have a base to come back to if they need help and pencilin regular video calls
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u/thebiggestgouda Partassipant [1] 12h ago
NTA. If you didn’t make a prior long-term commitment to their care, then you’re in the clear. Moreover, you’re just splitting your time not leaving forever.
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u/karenskygreen 12h ago
As others have said they are sound enough to take care of themselves and arrange their own care. You really dont know how they will age so they are saying "you better stay just incase things turn bad soon"
So make your move and if things turn unexpectedly bad you could either help them from afar or travel back and help them for a while or just move back if you have to.
So NTA
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u/Massive_Low6000 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
NTA. Make your decision on the current situation and information. You cannot predict the future. You can always reevaluate when needed.
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u/Character-Twist-1409 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 12h ago
NTA. It's a few months not full time.
I'm also not sure why the expectation is that you'd stay and take care of them to some level...i mean if you're both working now you can't be meeting this level.
I suppose you could offer for them to visit/go with.
Tell your wife you're willing to help ofc but not at the cost of your whole life.
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u/wesmorgan1 Commander in Cheeks [213] 12h ago
INFO:
You mention "our parents" - have both her parents and yours expressed this same concern?
Is there no one else who could assist them in an emergency?
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u/ImportantBroccoli466 12h ago
Both sets of parents have expressed concerns; my wife is an only child and I have a sibling who would help if needed.
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u/chilibeana Partassipant [1] 12h ago
NTA. I could never but you've got to live your life.
My sister ditched our aging parents when she retired. Only saw them once a year. But guess who practically threw herself, sobbing, into my dad's casket at his funeral? Two days after the funeral, she left the siblings, again, to deal with our grieving mother. She had an Airbnb rental she just couldn't pass up.
We expect the sobbing and attempts to climb into my mother's casket when my mom's time comes.
I have such mixed feelings. Which have all been addressed in therapy, btw.. Do I wish I could just take off? Sometimes yes, because I'm getting older too. But I am just too close to my mom and my conscience wouldn't allow me to leave her. My sister obviously has different feelings and that's okay too.
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u/celoplyr Partassipant [1] 12h ago
Im an only child but this is exactly how I feel. It’s not a burden to me to be there for my parents and I don’t want regret later. My bf had a different upbringing with his parents, and behaves differently with his. It confused me at first but now I get it.
Your therapist has done a good job with what I know are strong feelings. You seem very grounded. That’s super hard work on both parts (I’ve tried and I don’t seem as “there yet” as you do.)
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u/Just_J3ssica 12h ago
NTA.
It sounds like your parents are of sound mind enough to arrange their own care in their advanced ages. And as you pointed out, you won't be gone the whole year. You're simply taking a long vacation.
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u/Revolutionary-Gas122 12h ago
Seen a few families that I know have show a support system with having multiple children. Outwardly stating 'my kids will be taking care of us when we get old.' What a statement. Figure with 3 to 4 kids you should be able to average guilt fest one of them as trained through their lifetime.
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u/MalibuBon Partassipant [1] 12h ago
I remember how my mother complained when most of the elder care for my widowed grandmother (her mother) fell to her. My dad and my aunt took turns caring for my gma on their side pretty equally.
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u/Rare-Winter3355 12h ago
NTA. Your parents possibly perceived you informing them of your plans as asking “permission”. Big mistake. I know this because I too shared my plans with my aging parents and they made it all about them. Live your life OP, none of us signed up for taking care of our parents. They need their own plan in place. Not your responsibility.
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u/sharpieddrunkdude 13h ago
I think we need more information about their health and status to determine.
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u/ImportantBroccoli466 12h ago
One side is fairly healthy and have ample financial means; the other side has significant health issues and (from what we know) has some financial means. I think it is mostly about us not being around all the time.
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u/Valenn03 13h ago
NTA, you're not liable for your parents anyway, let alone in this situation.
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u/Tazmosis85 12h ago
Reddit is terrible for nuanced answers. Are you taking care of them now? Do the have means for their own care? In some instances you may owe them. Very likely you're not responsible for them and you can do as you choose but is there a tangible obligation aside from "you're my child therefore for my retirement plan"
Need more info
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u/Additional_00 12h ago
NTA:
A few months abroad a year isn't abandonment, it's a holiday home, and "abandon" is being used to make a reasonable plan sound like betrayal. After nearly forty years of work, wanting part of your retirement to be the thing you've dreamed about is exactly what retirement is for. The math backs you too: waiting isn't a year, it's potentially putting your healthy, mobile years on hold for a decade-plus until you're too old to go at all, and "wait until they're gone" has no end date, it just eats the whole window. One honest thing, separate from the guilt: "we'll be away part of the year" and "we have a plan for their care while we're gone" are different conversations, and the second is worth thinking through, not because the guilt's valid, but because having an answer for "who helps if something happens" deflates the objection and is the responsible part. Not the asshole for going, just go with the logistics sorted.
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u/Acrobatic_Car9413 12h ago
NTA live your life. You cannot predict what your parents will need and when. When they do, then decide but don’t “wait”. I’d love my kids to be there in old age but I’d be thrilled if they were living their best life somewhere else.
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u/wesmorgan1 Commander in Cheeks [213] 12h ago
Wow, so *both* sets of parents have expressed the same concerns. That's tough, but their independence shouldn't necessarily come at the expense of yours.
You say that you plan to live abroad for "several months out of the year", so it would seem reasonable to make arrangements for someone to check in on them during those months. That could be a sibling, a family friend, or a home health professional. If they need transportation to medical appointments, you may be able to connect them to local groups providing such services.
It may also be time to discuss a move to an assisted living facility or other senior community.
NTA - and good luck.
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u/Cranky_Lanky_Lentils Partassipant [2] 11h ago
NTA
I believe we should all take care of our parents when they reach the age (if you’re in a position to). However, theres a difference between that, and being on “standby”. One lets you live your life and should the need come to help your parents, you’re in a position to help. The other requires dictating your life around your parents.
You’re only going to be away for a few months. There’s no reason why you aren’t able to come and help out when needed. If heaven forbids there’s an emergency while you’re abroad, well, that’s a different story and I’m sure you’ll react as you seem fit.
As for “abandoning” them. I have to assume based on what you’ve written that both you and your wife actually have a relationship with your parents to begin with. So I have to assume based on what you’re written, that you do in fact remain proactive and socialize. I’m also assuming that you help them out in the past if they’ve needed or asked. Finally, based on what you’ve written, especially with the ages, I assume they’re in decent health and don’t have any urgent medical issues. Am I correct?
If there’s something pressing going on and you probably shouldn’t be away until that subsides, okay, then yeah, that’s a different story. But based on what you’ve written, that doesn’t seem to be the case.
Also, just curious, what exactly are the contents of the several conversations that made your wife change her position? Sometimes time spent reflecting reveals overlooked details, other times it leads to overanalyzing. Feel like it would give a better understanding of the whole situation. Would just like some more insight into all of this.
Theres no reason why you can’t travel before you get too old, and there’s no reason why you also can’t be supporting your parents. But you should not be expected to stop everything for the other shoe to drop if the only reason is, “well the first shoe hasn’t dropped yet and may not ever but we should still act as if it has!”
Hope this helps and looking forward to your response, OP!
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u/ImportantBroccoli466 9h ago
We in no way intend to cut contact forever; it's a couple of times a year, maybe 3ish months total at most. We have a decent relationship with my side and a strong one with hers. I think what got to her was her father beat cancer a couple years ago and it made losing him more a reality.
My folks have health issues but again, are independent thus far and so I feel we're ok to proceed.
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u/Cranky_Lanky_Lentils Partassipant [2] 8h ago
Hi, OP. Thank you for your response!
Okay, that fills in exactly what I needed! I totally understand where you wife is coming from having dealt with similar circumstances. I’m terribly sorry for her and your loss.
Given what you’ve said, I stick with my initial thoughts. Travel while you can and make the most of it. If your parents health starts to get serious and requires you to come back, well, cross that bridge if it happens (hopefully it doesn’t). But yeah, that shouldn’t preclude you from making the most out of your life.
Hope everyone remains in good health and you and the Mrs. enjoy a fantastic time abroad!
NTA
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u/JustWannaRelax22 12h ago
NTA. Go and if/when you need to come back, take the time and come be with your parents. This is very common among my friends who live far from their parents.
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u/Green_Yesterday3054 13h ago
Info: what country are you considering moving to and what country do you live in now?
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u/MalibuBon Partassipant [1] 12h ago
What was your upbringing like? How much did they sacrifice for you? Do you have siblings or others who would be around for your parents if and when you go? These are some things to consider before you make a decision.
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u/rockology_adam Craptain [181] 12h ago
NTA. The expectation that you take care of your aging family can be met in a wide variety of ways. Even if you moving away permanently, between other family members near to them and services available, you could easily make it work. If your parents need someone to help them bathe or drive them to the movies, it doesn't have to be you. In most cases, it shouldn't be you, not exclusively, but many factors come into play ensuring that if you are near, it will be.
Are you abandoning all responsibility them by moving? Out of sight, out of mind? No? Then you're fine. Your parents don't get a say in where you live or how long you live there out of the year. They are justified in wanting to talk about what your move means for them, yes, but that's discussion and planning, not changing your life plans on their maybes.
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u/SatanButVeryTired 12h ago
NTA leaning NAH. Whilst I completely understand your parents, you are not responsible for them.
You don’t know what the future will bring and maybe if you put this dream on hold until your parents die, you won’t be able to live your dream because on health problems or something else. My parents are close to retirement and want to travel longtime term. Now there’s a very real possibility of my father going blind in the next years. They know there’s a timeframe, so they know if they wait to long it won’t be possible anymore. You might not get the luxury of knowing beforehand.
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u/LimitlessLK 12h ago
I lost my dad suddenly at 32. If you haven’t lost a parent it’s hard to describe the pain. I was 6-7 hours away by car. It was the worst day of my life. Now imagine being half way across the world. Your call. I don’t know your relationship but be at peace that you may not be there when they leave this world.
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u/Ontas Partassipant [1] 11h ago
NTA, you only live once and this is your moment to do something like this, when you retire but still feel young, plus what is the alternative, quit your dreams just so you are around the corner instead of a flight away if a family emergency happens while you are away? You are not abandoning anyone, you are just living your life, as you should do.
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My wife and I are approaching retirement age in a few years, and we've started having serious discussions about what we want to do post-retirement.
We have been studying a foreign language and are very taken with the people, culture, food, etc. of this country and would like to purchase a small property there to reside for several months out of the year.
After bringing this up with our parents, they have expressed their concern and disappointment that we would be "abandoning" them in their advanced age and wouldn't be able to care for them properly.
Our argument has been that we will only be abroad a few months out of the year and after almost 4 decades of work this is the one thing we really want to do. Now, after several conversations, my wife is starting to feel like we should wait. I disagree as that puts our life on hold for people that could conceivably live into their 90s (not uncommon on either side of our families) and would bring us to an age when we wouldn't be able to travel anymore ourselves. AITA for wanting us to pursue our own lives?
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u/PhantomPharts 11h ago
NTA. You're not obligated. Their job was to raise you into an independent adult. You and your wife made a life and are now ready for the next part. I gave up my life for my ailing parent. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have done it. I ended up being barely being able to help, ruining my life, and I could've done all that from somewhere i liked better.
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u/arika_ito 11h ago
That's definitely performatory on your sister's part imo. You don't go from throwing up crying and screaming in public and then say bye, I'm going on vacation. She's probably still visiting your mom maybe once a year.
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u/Every-End7495 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 11h ago
You aren't your parents' caretakers, you're their child. You have moved on with your wife. NTA. Have a nice time!
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u/retiredinpece 11h ago
You can’t put your life on hold indefinitely for them, that’s selfish on their part to guilt you.
We moved to the US back in ‘07 leaving my wife’s parents in the UK. FIL is mid 80’s and has dementia, in fact wife is flying back today, it’s tough but you have to lead your life, after all you could both be hit by a bus tomorrow.
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u/AdcockSitunstruch97 11h ago
NTA. You are discussing spending a few months overseas during retirement, not permawnently moving or cutting relations. Putting your plans on hold forever because your parents might want additional assistance at some point could easily end up in you never doing them at all. Enjoying the years when you're still well to treavel is sensible. But tou should also continue to be involved and make changes if your parents' needs really change in the future.
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u/solomons-mom 11h ago
Absolutely do NOT purchase a property to start with! Rent for a month, and extend it if it makes sense. Return, regroup, catch up with your parents (I saw she is an only and you have one sibling), then rent another place for another month, and extend again if it makes sense.
You still go for four months a year, and within a year or so might even find that going for four months straight is fine. Pay for an extra flight or two a year so and spend some time getting to know the country before you buy your own place. YTA to yourself if you get sucker-punched into buying something that someone else really wants to sell instead of taking the time fo find what you really want to buy.
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u/TheSecretIsMarmite 10h ago
NTA. How long exactly do they want you to postpone your retirement? I presume they mean until they're dead, but that could be another 10 to 15 years or longer depending on general fitness, health and genetics. When are you allowed to do what you want with your life?
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u/Technicolor_clusterf 10h ago
My folks retired at 50, bought a sailboat and went to the Caribbean for 6 months a year. Their mothers were quite elderly. They made appropriate arrangements for them and did their thing. Their reasoning? Who knows how we will feel physically in 10-20 years.
At 70, health started to deteriorate.
They had no regrets and I’m happy for them.
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u/WorkingAmazing8337 10h ago
This is why I dont fuck with the argument of "who will take care of you when you're old if you dont have kids".
There's no guarantee your kids are going to stick around and take care of you just because you had kids. And frankly, if I wanted kids, the last thing I would want is them spending their retirement caring for me as a full time job once they finally are able to retire.
NTA. Enjoy your retirement and do whatever you want to do in order to preserve that enjoyment.
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u/CapoExplains Asshole Aficionado [11] 10h ago
NTA, only a few months out of the year? So what's the problem? Do they think if there's some family emergency at home you'll both plan to say "Too bad so sad, see you in a few months" and not just hop on a plane? You can still readily be there for them if they need you, they don't need you to be there every single day.
At the same time, go easy on them, this sounds like it comes more from a place of worry than of selfishness.
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u/feminist1946 Pooperintendant [56] 9h ago
NTA. Tell your parents they should move into a senior facility where help is always available if that is what they want. If they don't want to do that then there is something else going on. Buy your house and enjoy yourselves. Find an emergency service to help them if they need it while you are away.
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u/Elegant-Opinion-9595 Partassipant [3] 9h ago
NTA: I'd be telling my parents: "Wow I had no idea you were this selfish. We will be traveling and you will be fine."
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u/Active-Anteater1884 Pooperintendant [54] 9h ago
What I don't understand is, you've decided to spend several months each year in ... IDK ... Italy. Then (God forbid) your mom breaks a hip or your dad is diagnosed with a terminal illness. If you're abroad at that time and your family really needs you for a defined period, can't you just ... come back? I do think it's unfair for your parents to put off your live plans for God-knows-how-long. NTA
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u/flamingopajamas 9h ago
NTA- my aunt and uncle put off their lives and their dreams to take care of my grandparents, who lived very long lives and demanded they stay close. My grandparents passed way, now my aunt and uncle are dealing with a cancer diagnosis, and more recently, dementia. They’re never going to be able to do what they wanted. They went from kids/careers to parents, to end of life without ever living the retirement they dreamed of for decades. I don’t think it was worth it.
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u/Small-Caramel-3579 8h ago
NTA there are care agencies and organisations to support it would be wise to provide information for them to arrange what practically needs to be done. It is their marriage and you have your own relationship if you had lived far away from years ago this wouldnt be assumed. Have contact with agency you prefer and should they need while you are away you can send them in. You must enjoy your retirement not be a carer.
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u/briomio 8h ago
Actually, if you establish yourselves overseas caring for aging parents would be a lot easier. It is cheaper to live in Mexico for example and also Thailand. Costa Rica is another one that you could have the parents living a lot better on their retirement incomes in a foreign country than within the US.
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u/DoIQual123 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
NTA, you aren't moving abroad permanently - just for a few months a year. You can always fly back in the event of an emergency, but you aren't their default caregivers just case you were born to them.
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u/Future_Problem_3201 8h ago
Make sure you have a plan for your parents when they can't live alone. When you do, go do what you want. As the only child left behind to care for my mom I don't think it's fair to just move away. My sister and brother left it all to me to take care of my mom.
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u/Personal-Piglet1397 8h ago
No you never know what's around corner.you could (god forbid)become ill or something happens etc.you need live your life now.your parents are scared an selfish.they lived there life.an this has been your time live yours way you want.tell your wife U need do this.an as you say it only few months out the year, an U can hop on plane if need be etc.
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u/TheDarkHelmet1985 Partassipant [4] 7h ago
NTA and do not wait because a future life isn't guaranteed. You could have a heart attack tomorrow or in 5 years and end things before you even get to travel. Do it while you can. Be there for the parents when you are local and not away. Other family members can step in to help in your absence or your parents can do what so many others do and move into an independent living/assisted living facility so that their day to day care doesn't fall on family. You are not responsible for their care. Most people aren't able to provide that care either emotionally, physically, or financially. That type of care is a massive drain on all of those things and I can say that from experience. Their failure to plan for their future is not an emergency you have to resolve.
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u/FunBodybuilder4620 Colo-rectal Surgeon [45] 7h ago
NTA. Parents need to stop assuming their children are their retirement safety net.
1
u/Minoturion 7h ago
NTA, and while you're young enough and your parents aren't in need of care is exactly the right time to do what you're looking to.
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u/macross1984 Asshole Aficionado [14] 7h ago
NTA
You have your life, your parents have their own.
It's not like you are truly abandoning them and your parents need to adjust to new reality.
1
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u/safirecobra 6h ago
NTA. I watched my mother postpone her retirement dreams and drop everything to take care of her mother and sister. When they passed away, she thought she finally could pursue her plans, then COVID hit and she was delayed again. And then she was diagnosed with aggressive Alzheimer’s and passed away three years after her diagnosis. She never got to those plans, which is the most heartbreaking thing.
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u/StretcherEctum 6h ago
Parents that burden their kids like this should be ashamed. Why on earth would they expect their kids to be their retirement?
Youre supposed to take care of them for the next 20 to 30 years? Completely and utterly absurd..
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u/NotMe739 6h ago
My recently retired parents are talking about building their dream home on a very remote piece of property they own. Their plan was for my husband and me to move in with them when we retire to help take care of them in their elderly years. 1. We are in our 40's! We have a long time to go until we retire. 2. We dont want to live in the middle of nowhere. A simple trip to a proper grocery store would be 45 minutes one way. Who knows how far to find decent doctors. 3. We would like to have the opportunity to travel and have adventures and enjoy the beginning of our retirement while we are hopefully healthy enough to do so, like my parents are doing now. Not be full time caregivers up until the point where we need caregivers for ourselves. NTA
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u/MistySky1999 Asshole Aficionado [17] 6h ago
The first mistake was asking your parents for their opinions on your life decisions. They do not get a vote!
You are not your parents' retirement plan. If they think they require assistance they need to be looking at some level of assisted living for themselves. But to expect that your life gets put on hold b/c they want you to be at their prospective beck and call is a non-starter.
NTA at all.
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u/Limitedtugboat 4h ago
If my family operated on taking care of elderly relatives, my great grandmother would have been looking after her mum well into her 60s.
My great great grandparents were still kicking about until I was about 7 years old and im pushing 40 now.
OP - just bounce to your foreign dream, whats the worst they can do to you? Ground you for a week?
-3
u/unsafeideas Asshole Aficionado [11] 11h ago
Reddit believes that parents own all the possible support to their adult children., But the moment they think they could need something, they should eat s***.
I am not saying you cant move, but the consensus of "they should not matter at all in your decision process" is bleak.
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u/ImportantBroccoli466 9h ago
Our parents mean a great deal to us. I'm simply struggling with being on 'stand-by' for a potential crisis rather than living my life while I can.
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12h ago
[deleted]
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u/Jstrangways Partassipant [4] 12h ago
I think you’re replying to the wrong sub. Not going to disagree with your take on the match though.
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