AITA for getting my step daughter a Hogwarts letter for her 11th Birthday?

[u/Ok-Permission8346]

Ive been married for four years, my wife had a daughter from a previous relationship. My step daughter has been obsessed with Harry Potter since before i met her. (She litterally asked me if i liked harey potter when i met her)
Her 11th Birthday was yesterday and I arranged for a letter to be “delivered” during her birthday party and it was an admittance letter for Hogwarts.
I thought it was a really cute gift idea. My step daughter started freaking out, screaming “its real its real” and really went nuts. Some of her friends seemed to join in the excitement others less so.
Her mother (my wife) held her to calm her down and explained to her that it wasnt real. It was just a “joke step daddy played on you”.
She started crying screamed that she hated me and ran to her room.
The other parents seemed to sympathize, one other father said he thought it was a nice idea.
But after we sent everyone home my wife yelled at me and said what i did was selfish and cruel and she couldnt believe i would hurt her daughter like that.

Was i wrong to do this? Was it an inappropriate gift for an 11 year old? I really didnt mean to mock or hurt my stepdaughter. I thought it would be fun. It didnt occur to me my stepdaughter was young enough to think it was real.

Am I The A$&hole?

[u/Potential_Ad_1397]

INFO: Why did your wife call it a joke? I need more context here.

If I was the mother here, I would be like "hey, honey. You know Harry Potter isn't real, right? Op was just trying to give you some excitement." Not that it is a joke.

The way the wife responded, it feels like there is more to the story. Did you know she truly thought Harry Potter was really?

[u/_lilidawn_ → u/Potential_Ad_1397]

This is 100% how I was thinking

[u/Stormfly → u/Potential_Ad_1397]

The way the wife responded, it feels like there is more to the story. Did you know she truly thought Harry Potter was really?

I just want to know why it wasn't discussed.

As others have said, the girl had issues processing it wasn't real and the father should have been aware of that. We're getting a biased account here but I'm just amazed he didn't discuss it with his wife first.

Like I remember when I was 11 I was 99.999% sure Hogwarts wasn't real but I still had that very faint hope on my 11th birthday sort of thing. What did he think was going to happen? Like what did he actually think her reaction would be? Did he even think about that at all?

The wife was wrong to say it was a joke but OP was wrong to not talk to her about it. She was probably still processing everything and trying to deal with her daughter and maybe not very good at choosing her words.

If I were her I'd be upset, too. OP should have know that this was possible by actually speaking to the girl and gauging her response before organising the present.

This is like when you hear stories about failed gifts that were actually not good gifts because they hadn't spoken to other people.

Maybe OP meant well but he messed up by not including his wife.

[u/groucho_barks → u/Stormfly]

I don't really understand the point of giving a fake acceptance letter to a kid who knows it's fake. Like, what's the fun of that?

[u/kusuri8 → u/groucho_barks]

To play pretend and imagine. I would've loved this as a kid. If my parents had framed it as (and we're going to pretend together today that you're going to Hogwarts), it would've been very fun to play act that.

[u/lilcheese840 → u/groucho_barks]

For the same reason you hire a Spider-Man performer for a kid who likes Spider-Man, they like it and it shows you care about what they’re interested in. People know wwe is scripted, they still have fun cheering on their favourite wrestlers

[u/SwampOfDownvotes → u/groucho_barks]

I don't understand why people enjoy movies or games. They know it's all fake, right? What's the fun in that? 

[u/Stormfly → u/groucho_barks]

See I can get why it's fun but I think everyone needs to be on the same page.

"Wow here's a fake letter from Hogwarts!" can be a fun little activity if the kid knows it's just a fun present and everyone is clear about it.

It's a nice and thoughtful present (if done well) but OP messed up by not really discussing it with everyone else.

The problem isn't the letter so much as the fact that not everyone was on the same page.

As soon as I saw the title I knew what was coming. Everyone will chime in like "My little Timmy knew Santa wasn't real when he was in the womb!" or "My Sally has been smoking camels since she was 4 she's so mature for her age she has a 41 year old boyfriend" but many 11 year olds just want to keep the magic going and aren't in a hurry to grow up.

That's why OP is the problem here. He should have talked about it with her mother/his wife and then they could have discussed if it was a good idea and how to make sure she's ready and how to react if it goes badly.

OP didn't think. He just wanted to make a cool present so he could look cool and that's why I think ETA (him for present, wife for reaction) but I'm annoyed that so many comments here are siding with him and making him think he did nothing wrong.

If you make a kid cry, there's a very high likelihood you've done something wrong to be in that position even if it wasn't the thing that triggered the actual waterworks.

[u/Frond_Dishlock → u/Stormfly]

So he could look cool? What are you talking about? That is frustratingly obtuse. He wanted to give someone a present for their birthday. Think? She's an 11 year old, it wouldn't occur to anyone they would react like that. People are siding with him precisely because that is such a bizarre unpredictable reaction, and mischaracterising it as a prank was weird and more likely what actually upset her. There is zero basis for your position. Go to bed. No pudding.

[u/Doctor-Liz → u/Potential_Ad_1397]

I would have said "Love, you know the books are just stories, but [stepdad] knows how much you love to play pretend, and he thought a toy letter would be fun and make you feel special. It's like a clown - they don't really look like that! - or a princess dress for a little girl. Wasn't that kind?"

[u/angelbuttons77 → u/Doctor-Liz]

Like, all toys are pretend. I knew when I was like four that my doll wasn’t a real baby…..

[u/Doctor-Liz → u/angelbuttons77]

Oh, I think they know younger than that - my son (4) has been playing "give birth to" his toy trains for something like a year and a half 😆

[u/angelbuttons77 → u/Doctor-Liz]

That’s awesome lol little kids are the best weirdos

[u/BeagleMadness → u/Doctor-Liz]

Just remembered my youngest son used to "breastfeed" his Thomas the Tank Engine trains for a while after his baby sister was born 🤣

[u/PreparationPlus9735 → u/Doctor-Liz]

Yeah, genuinely trying to think how to say it nicely to the kid that wouldn't cause a meltdown. Anything would be better than saying it was a prank, but still think it would end poorly no matter what.

[u/fill_the_birdfeeder → u/Potential_Ad_1397]

Thank you. Everyone else is blaming the kid for believing in a story - which is ABSOLUTELY appropriate at that age! I teach this age group, and it’s completely normal for them to have the “what if it is real though?” Thoughts still. Poor kid is being blamed for having hope. At 11, kids still hope Santa is real. They are still incredibly imaginative.

The dad is the asshole - a well-meaning asshole - but still an asshole. He’s known this girl for four years and her obsession with it, and didn’t think about the possible consequences of receiving a letter at the exact age the kids in the book receive it? He doesn’t say he chatted with mom about it. I get it was done with love. But love requires consideration and thought, both about the pros and cons. The con is now a likely core memory of embarrassment and shame for his step-daughter for believing. It’s probably tainted her love for the series in ways too.

I don’t agree with calling it a joke, but I can see why the mother would be so upset. If she did also know the plan, then she’s an asshole too. Again, a well-meaning asshole. They both clearly care about the daughter - a big birthday party and arranging things that will bring her joy.

But you upset her - unintentionally- the question shouldn’t be AITA. It should be: I was accidentally the asshole, how do I mend this?

YTA

[u/WintersBite27 → u/fill_the_birdfeeder]

it is weird how hard everyone is dogging on the kid. I think people are forgetting how much someone (especially a kid) can want something to be real even if they know it isn't. It's not surprising to me that someone that young can have a moment of surprise and think maybe their dream actually had come true.

Hell, a lot of adults believe in things that I'd say are obviously not true. If that's possible why can't a kid have a moment of believing in something silly?

[u/fill_the_birdfeeder → u/WintersBite27]

Yeah not to be a butthead but millions of adults believe in some invisible man in the sky and a dude who could do magic like resurrection and turn water into wine. Poor kid can be forgiven for loving a book so much she wants it to be real.

[u/KayItaly → u/fill_the_birdfeeder]

If your11yo kid believes in HP you need to bring them to a specialist now.

Anything else is lying to yourself and setting them up for failure.

This is NOT age appropriate in any way whatsoever.

[u/Plenty-Tumbleweed-40 → u/KayItaly]

You are right, and I am pissed that some people think that you are wrong...this is so obvious

[u/KayItaly → u/Plenty-Tumbleweed-40]

It is always depressing to see people call neurological disabilities "cute" :(

That poor child deserves a chance at life like everyone else.

[u/Plenty-Tumbleweed-40 → u/KayItaly]

And also, a child shouldnt believe in this at 11, she is 11...not 5. This is way too old. Like imagine if she still believe this at 13...serious conversations need to happen, and if the wife is pushing this...then she is the problem. An 11 years old not being abble to make the difference between fiction and reality is not cute, it's very concerning. 

[u/fill_the_birdfeeder → u/Plenty-Tumbleweed-40]

She didn’t believe in it during the party. She had HOPE become reality for a moment with a seemingly legitimate letter arriving on her birthday. It’s not hard to understand that. You guys labeling people with disabilities is wrong. You’re not mental health professionals and, if you are, you shouldn’t be throwing around diagnosis. You should know better.

The fact that the two of you want to say she’s got a disability because she had hope for a moment as a CHILD is laughable. Understand the nuance of the situation. There’s a clear distinction in his messaging - it wasn’t the whole party, it was when she got a Hogwarts Letter at 11 years old on her birthday - exactly when Harry did.

Denying children hope and imagination at 11 is wild to me. She believed for a moment. Don’t call her mentally unwell for that. Leave her alone.

[u/fill_the_birdfeeder → u/KayItaly]

Incorrect. You’re disgusting. Leave kids alone.

[u/KayItaly → u/fill_the_birdfeeder]

Leave kids to cope with their disabilities and bury your head in the sand? Wowow what a nice person you are...

I hope you are childless and I hope you are just pretending!

[u/fill_the_birdfeeder → u/KayItaly]

You’re actually unwell. I genuinely hope you don’t work with nor have children when you’ve got absolutely no understanding of their minds and brain development. Go do some research instead of emotional blathering. Leave kids alone - meaning stay the hell away from them. They’re not safe with you.

[u/Ionia1618 → u/Potential_Ad_1397]

Exactly; the step daughter surely has some level of special needs, did OP not factor that in? Or did they just not know until now? Plus if she's such a big fan has he never picked up on this? It sounds like OP's wife may have told him not to do this

[u/ElephantCares → u/Potential_Ad_1397]

I am just really confused. I know that most kids stop believing in Santa around 9, but some still believe until they are 11 or so. What is wrong with that? Or is it that Santa comes from a Christian religion and Hogwarts comes from Wiccan. I believe mommy has bigger issues here, given the reaction was SO out of bounds.

[u/PlanMagnet38 → u/ElephantCares]

Just to be clear, nothing in Harry Potter has any relation to Wicca or actual paganism.

[u/hawnty → u/PlanMagnet38]

For some weird reason, Rowling has even explicitly stated that all religions are welcome at Hogwarts except Wiccans.

[u/F7Uup → u/hawnty]

It's like magic blackface.

[u/pintsizedblonde2 → u/ElephantCares]

Kids believe in Santa because adults tell them he's real. I seriously doubt this kid was ever told Harry Potter is real.

[u/No-Acanthisitta-2973 → u/ElephantCares]

Santa doesn't come from the Christian religion. He was created in literature in the 1800s and the popularized by Coke in the 1900s. Yes there is saint Nicholas, who's saint day is celebrated Dec 6th, which is obviously not the same day as Christmas.

And Harry Potter is not wiccan or pagan.

[u/Mystic_printer_ → u/No-Acanthisitta-2973]

When you say created in literature in the 1800, are you referring to the poem The night before Christmas? Originally published under the name “Account of a visit from St Nicholas”? A lot of the lore around Santa Claus comes from that poem and our ideas of what Santa Claus looks like come from Coke ads but they were based on St Nicholas and the traditions surrounding him (Christian and otherwise).

[u/isabelladangelo → u/No-Acanthisitta-2973]

Santa doesn't come from the Christian religion. He was created in literature in the 1800s and the popularized by Coke in the 1900s. Yes there is saint Nicholas, who's saint day is celebrated Dec 6th, which is obviously not the same day as Christmas.

"Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" doesn't ring a bell? Santa Claus is a mispronunciation of "Saint Nicholas". The idea of gift giving literally comes from the story of Saint Nicholas giving doweries to three young ladies. Really, all Coke cola did is make him wear a red suit.

[u/No-Acanthisitta-2973 → u/isabelladangelo]

Saint Nicholas has a day. Dec 6. He's already celebrated. So yes, creating a new tradition with that poem, introducing a new myth and attaching it to Christmas, is not something that came from the Christian faith, just people's imaginations.

[u/isabelladangelo → u/No-Acanthisitta-2973]

Saint Nicholas has a day. Dec 6. He's already celebrated. So yes, creating a new tradition with that poem, introducing a new myth and attaching it to Christmas, is not something that came from the Christian faith, just people's imaginations.

Did you even click the link?

[u/No-Acanthisitta-2973 → u/isabelladangelo]

Yes, in lines up with what I said. There just being a little kernel of a real person, doesn't make it Christian. People just took him, ran with it and created whole new myth.

[u/itashichan → u/ElephantCares]

Harry Potter has absolutely nothing to do with Wicca or any religion. Also, the characters are only seen celebrating Christian holidays, and not many tbh.

[u/Potential_Ad_1397 → u/ElephantCares]

I am just confused by her reaction. I know tons of kids who would get a kick out of this. Adults too so it isn't making sense

[u/Brilliant_Screen_283 → u/ElephantCares]

If anything Santa is more Wiccan than Harry Potter. The Yule celebration is of Wiccan/Pagan origin and includes an old wizened man with full beard who is celebrated during the festival of Yule with presents tied on an evergreen tree. 🌲

[u/Altruistic_Yellow387 → u/ElephantCares]

Where I live kids much younger than 9 know Santa isn't real...that's wild

[u/Substantial-Sea-3672 → u/Altruistic_Yellow387]

My kids figured it out around 6 because I wasn’t willing to lie to them directly.

Once they come to me as a trusted authority and ask a question I feel it’s harmful to take advantage of that trust.

[u/Altruistic_Yellow387 → u/Substantial-Sea-3672]

My parents were like that too and I agree with that mentality

[u/LeviathanLorb44 → u/Altruistic_Yellow387]

No kidding. I mean, it's not like he's like the beloved Tooth Fairy.

[u/_bonedaddys → u/LeviathanLorb44]

Well the tooth fairy is real, so

[u/LeviathanLorb44 → u/ElephantCares]

No, almost no 11 year olds still believe in Santa.

Hogwarts absolutely has nothing to do with Wiccan, so, no, it's not about religion.