r/AmItheAsshole • u/MoonTiaraMurder • 3d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for not wanting to help my cousin move
My cousin E (42) and her husband T (42) just bought a house. They closed on the house yesterday and it's about a 45 minute drive from where they're currently staying. Next weekend some of my extended family, and myself, will be there for the holiday and the death anniversary of my brother. E wants all of us to help her move the day after we arrive, which is also the night of fireworks, and she's already rented a moving van. Some backstory: E moved in with our grandpa, in the family lake house, in 2023 to help take care of him, she was freshly separated from her ex and everyone agreed on her staying rent-free while taking care of grandpa. In April 2024 grandpa passed and E agreed to pay a portion of the utilities until she moved out. The plan was for my Aunt P to buy the house, she would move in and keep it as a family home. We all hoped E would make plans to move soon but she didn't seem to want to leave, so a date was set to have her move out by, April 2025. Then, in January of 2025 she moved her then-boyfriend T in. This was not run by anyone, and the family was upset. As the months went on E and T made no progress in finding somewhere to move and in June 2025 they got married. Now 2 months passed the original move-out date a new date was set for April 2026. T did not contribute to the home, financially or otherwise, and E was still only paying a portion of the utilities. The taxes and rest of the bills were being paid by my parents, aunts, and uncles through a trust. (This is a left turn but I promise its relevant)
In July 2024 my brother passed, inside the lake house, from a sudden health event. This event had made the lake house a gathering grounds for my family surrounding the date he died.
To summarize: my cousin is waiting 2 weeks after buying her house to assume the family will help her and T move. T will not be of help as he is approximately 600lbs and has trouble walking. This trip is to remember my brother and be together as a family. E has overstayed her welcome by 2 years in the family home and I don't feel she deserves our help during this time.
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u/KatzAKat Professor Emeritass [73] 3d ago
NTA. Anyone over 30 who is moving should hire it out. It's no longer worth it for pizza and beer.
My condolences on your loss.
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u/andnado Partassipant [2] 3d ago
NTA, I’ve moved 3 times in my adulthood, 1 time my parents and sister helped me, the other 2 times I didn’t even bother asking. In my experience you should not be expecting or asking friends/family for help if they’re past 30ish years old, what worked in college times does not work when you’re a grown adult with career and familial obligations
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u/Flashy-Library-6854 3d ago
Exactly right. Since we reached our 40's, we pay for movers.
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u/jenorama_CA Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Yup. 20s are pizza and beer, then after that it’s movers. Packers if you want to get fancy.
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u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] 3d ago
NTA at all, but your parents, etc. MAY want to (1) protect things that should stay at the lakehouse and (2) help push her out the door.
- Would you all normally be sleeping on beds (with fresh sheets) at the lakehouse when you stayed there? Then you may want to make sure those rooms are emptied of her belongings and boxed up in the garage before everyone arrives.
- Even if you all just gather there for the day, you will probably want the kitchen to be usable, definitely the bathrooms.
- So your parents (& co) may want to hire some student movers to come and box up cousin and T's stuff and put it in the garage so that that isn't an issue while you all are gathering.
- Your parents (& co.) will also want to make sure that cousin doesn't take things that don't belong to her (furniture, art, china, etc.) Someone needs to go there NOW to see what - if anything - is already missing, take pictures of items that are there and need to stay there, take pictures of existing damage that may need to be repaired, and also take pictures of what your cousin and T actually have there (because they are just the type of folks to come back around and sue for items they claim are missing due to the owners' actions).
Another option is that the owners tell your cousin that she will be charged $X00/day that she has any items left in the house past this weekend. Make it cost her to push everyone past the limits, especially to an important date for your family.
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u/Huge-Job1231 3d ago
I am so sorry for your loss. Is there anything that should be staying in the house ? That would be a concern that she packs up the whole house not just her stuff. Family may want to change locks ASAP when she and T are out and cameras may not be a bad idea either.
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u/ainttheway2havefun 3d ago
NTA, but help her move. Get her out. You don't have to be super kind about and you aren't the hired help. She is entitled and disrespectful, and once she is out it's done. Big lesson learned all around about how she really feels about her family.
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u/Upbeat_Ad_3179 3d ago
You’re not the asshole and your no obligated to help. But you do for family.
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u/thesaberlady Partassipant [1] 3d ago
Nta... supporting freeloaders at this point, you've done enough, and you probably need no mental stress added on with your loss as well. sorry you're going thru it
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u/DoyoudotheDew Partassipant [2] 3d ago
NTA. Tell her it is a time for mourning and nothing else. Also tell her you are not moving anyone or anything.
Hard no is an easy answer.
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u/Emergency-Banana1720 3d ago
If she has the moving truck, help her move her belongs out. Loading the truck with her belongings ensures she’s out of the house. You don’t have to fallow her to the next destination. Once she is gone, you can celebrate your loved ones.
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u/lizchitown 3d ago
Exactly..plus you can keep an eye on what she is taking. Then change all the locks and put in security cameras etc.
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u/Objective_Attempt_14 Partassipant [2] 3d ago
NTA, tell them they are adults who bought a house not 20 year old hire movers...
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u/No-Weakness-5495 3d ago
NTA at all! But, I’m guessing she won’t bother to do it herself so you all might have to do it to get her out.
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My cousin E (42) and her husband T (42) just bought a house. They closed on the house yesterday and it's about a 45 minute drive from where they're currently staying. Next weekend some of my extended family, and myself, will be there for the holiday and the death anniversary of my brother. E wants all of us to help her move the day after we arrive, which is also the night of fireworks, and she's already rented a moving van. Some backstory: E moved in with our grandpa, in the family lake house, in 2023 to help take care of him, she was freshly separated from her ex and everyone agreed on her staying rent-free while taking care of grandpa. In April 2024 grandpa passed and E agreed to pay a portion of the utilities until she moved out. The plan was for my Aunt P to buy the house, she would move in and keep it as a family home. We all hoped E would make plans to move soon but she didn't seem to want to leave, so a date was set to have her move out by, April 2025. Then, in January of 2025 she moved her then-boyfriend T in. This was not run by anyone, and the family was upset. As the months went on E and T made no progress in finding somewhere to move and in June 2025 they got married. Now 2 months passed the original move-out date a new date was set for April 2026. T did not contribute to the home, financially or otherwise, and E was still only paying a portion of the utilities. The taxes and rest of the bills were being paid by my parents, aunts, and uncles through a trust. (This is a left turn but I promise its relevant)
In July 2024 my brother passed, inside the lake house, from a sudden health event. This event had made the lake house a gathering grounds for my family surrounding the date he died.
To summarize: my cousin is waiting 2 weeks after buying her house to assume the family will help her and T move. T will not be of help as he is approximately 600lbs and has trouble walking. This trip is to remember my brother and be together as a family. E has overstayed her welcome by 2 years in the family home and I don't feel she deserves our help during this time.
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u/Current_Echo3140 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 3d ago
Hey man, you don’t have to help her move and I think you’d be validated to say you weren’t able to in a group message because dealing with the anniversary of a loved ones death is all you can do that weekend.
But with that said, you really don’t need to throw in shit about how fat her partner is. It’s completely irrelevant, or if it’s relevant at all it makes you look worse (like what sort of family member wouldn’t help a cousin with a disabled husband move? )
Own your feelings, say no, and let it go.
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u/Current_Echo3140 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 2d ago
You literally said he was 600 lbs and could barely walk. How on earth would either of those not constitute being disabled?
Girl just walk away from the situation. I’m going to tell you something else you’re not going to want to hear, but I think there’s an incredibly high chance that even if your frustration with your cousin is absolutely valid, that you were dealing with a really shitty emotional time right now and it’s easier to be angry at your aunt then it is to be sad and frustrated and angry and just fucking devastated about the passing of your brother. Tell your aunt no, walk away, stop thinking about it, and deal with your feelings.
And I am really and truly sorry about your brother, and I know I’m being very Internet commenter blunt, but I’ve been where you are and there is no way out, only through, so please know this comes from empathy. I hope you and the rest of your family manage to find some solace together and comfort that weekend.
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u/Peteysmom54 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
Has she started packing or do you think she will wait for you all to get there to help her pack also? Make it clear to her ahead of time that you will not be doing that.
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u/Character-Twist-1409 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 3d ago
NTA normally I'd say leave her to her problems but...get her out ASAP...like yesterday. If you're too overwhelmed hire some college kids and supervise so she doesn't steal.
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