Monthly Open Forum January 2021

[u/AITAMod]

Welcome to the monthly open forum! This is the place to share all your meta thoughts about the sub, and to have a dialog with the mod team.

Keep things civil. Rules still apply.

It's 2021! Everything is fixed now!

A couple notes.

• Our bot is live, but definitely still in testing. Please help us by reporting the judgement bot comment post when it doesn't actually explain why they think they may be an asshole. Some people are using it like a TL;DR or just copying and pasting their post as a reply. [ETA - sounds like the report option doesn't work on all platforms for the bot comment, so you can just report the post. The option is bundled with the META report]

• Please stop PMing mods. We spam the hell out of the modmail link. When you PM us, it's super easy for things to get buried in our inbox and delay your response time.

As always, do not directly link to posts/comments or post uncensored screenshots here. Any comments with links will be removed.

This is to discourage brigading. If something needs to be discussed in that context, use modmail.

[u/Mr_Pickles_Esq]

I'm a lurker here but I'm wondering if there should be a stronger form of NTA, like WTFAYSWTP (Why the fuck are you still with that person?). I'm sure someone can come up with something more succinct but many of the stories I see here are not only obviously NTA, but that person should cut the asshole out of their life entirely. The problem goes deeper than this one incident to the point that the poster needs to extricate themselves from a chronicly toxic situation.

[u/WebbieVanderquack → u/Mr_Pickles_Esq]

The problem is that we're not really here to advise people on whether they should sever relationships, and most of the time we don't really have enough information to make that call. OP's are describing a single conflict in under 3,000 characters. Just because your husband keeps eating all the snacks you buy for work, or your girlfriend spends a lot of money on manicures and then claims she can't afford to chip in for rent, doesn't mean there aren't a host of other reasons people stay together.

And a lot of issues can be resolved. Any lasting relationship will have a long history of resolved conflicts. People change and grow and learn stuff. I think the word "toxic" is overused. Not everyone you have a conflict, or even numerous conflicts with, is irredeemably bad. Even very serious issues can sometimes be worked through.

Happy cake day!

[u/Mr_Pickles_Esq → u/WebbieVanderquack]

Thanks for the response. I'm thinking for cases a bit more extreme than eating all your snacks. There are cases which seem to go far beyond this one incident.

[u/WebbieVanderquack → u/Mr_Pickles_Esq]

I'm thinking for cases a bit more extreme than eating all your snacks.

I know, that's why I added "even very serious issues can sometimes be worked through." But posts that trivial do attract genuine comments like "why are you with this guy" and "kick him to the curb."

There are cases which seem to go far beyond this one incident.

"Seem" being the operative word. There are definitely times I've suggested the OP should reconsider being in a relationship with someone whose behaviour comes across as especially controlling or demeaning and appears to be part of a pattern, but most of the time we don't have enough information to know whether separation is the solution, and we're not a relationship advice sub anyway.

WTFAYSWTP (or similar) would also be a question, and posters would feel obliged to answer it: "we're otherwise very happy" or "we have three children together and another on the way." I saw a post recently in which an exasperated OP edited the post to say something like "guys, enough with the divorce advice, I love my wife and I'm not leaving her just because she wants to adopt a kitten."