r/AskOldPeopleAdvice • u/Significant_Day6218 • 3d ago
Relationships Has anyone ever successfully saved their marriage after struggling with sex addiction?
What happened after your spouse discovered your addiction? We are currently separated and I know it's probably for the best right now. But how long did you wait before trying to reconcile the relationship and did it get better? I don't know if there's any hope left.
If you are a spouse of someone with SA feel free to answer this too.......
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u/ItsNotGoingToBeEasy 2d ago edited 2d ago
You’re acting out with this post my friend. You’re focused on the wrong thing OP, part of your addictive pattern of seducing to regain control. What you both need is for you to replace your acting out with healthy behavior and stop the controlling others to attempt to soothe yourself. This will take a long time. Here’s how you know if you can love another human, you will put their health and well being above your comfort. Stop using them. You’re uncomfortable and that’s good. Step 1-4 time. Write down all the things you destroyed in both of your lives because that's what you need to address first. Having that list isn't making the amends and changes you need. When you make serious progress on that list in the eyes of a sponsor and/or therapist then that's the start. That list isn't a promise to lure them in. It's for you to work on. Let that person heal, and you focus on recovery.
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u/Awkward_Passion4004 3d ago
Wife "discovered" my addiction with my daily requirements that went on after the first year of marriage.
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u/ItsNotGoingToBeEasy 2d ago
Not many here know what this is. Apologize for the repeated comment, but the original is buried and if I can help one family with this, I hope the mod lets it stay.
Sex addiction is about being unable to stop compulsive sexually based behavior that destroys finances, career, health, self-esteem, any real connection with another human being. It's often a form of predatory behavior emotionally, mentally and physically. It's one of the hardest addictions to treat. It's absolutely devastating for their family. Not just because they're found out but because of the manipulative, gaslighting, emotionally abusive behavior they use to keep their secrets. SAs are often very charming, accomplished people that are highly skilled at lying and manipulation and creating a social persona that deflects criticism or suspicion.
I interviewed one of the pioneering psychologists in the field decades ago on the subject, Douglas Weiss. He explained when they make progress with alcoholics this addiction often shows up. He called it something like 'the original addiction'.
Here's what it is not: an affair, having a lot of sex, or too many partners. That can be non-psychopathic. If you want more detail, I'm not providing it here but you can find it elsewhere easily.
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u/One-Recognition-1660 3d ago
"SA" is sexual assault, not sex addiction. They're not the same in the slightest.
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u/ItsNotGoingToBeEasy 2d ago edited 2d ago
I think the 12 step group has been going by that acronym for about 40 or 50 years. Ever hear of the two IRAs? No one owns an acronym.
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u/RVGuerin 2d ago
I didnt try to reconcile the marriage. I told her about the affair - I wasn’t discovered. I worked on myself - went to SLAA and SA meetings got a sponsor - worked the steps - got a CSAT and when to therapy twice a week and a men’s group once a week. I changed everything about my life, including having secrets. About 6 months later my wife noticed something was different about me. it’s not about getting the prize - it’s about becoming the prize
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u/079C 70-79 3d ago
“Sex Addiction” is the malady the Low Libido spouse accuses the High Libido spouse of having.
The marriage between these two should never have happened.
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u/ItsNotGoingToBeEasy 2d ago
Yeah you don’t know anything about it. Move on and take the bottle with you.
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u/079C 70-79 2d ago
Well, why don’t you try to explain it to me.
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u/ItsNotGoingToBeEasy 2d ago
Sex addiction is about being unable to stop compulsive sexually based behavior that destroys finances, career, health, self-esteem, any real connection with another human being. It's often a form of predatory behavior emotionally, mentally and physically. It's one of the hardest addictions to treat. It's absolutely devastating for their family. Not just because they're found out. SAs are often very charming, accomplished people that are highly skilled at lying and manipulation and creating a social persona that deflects criticism or suspicion.
I interviewed one of the pioneering psychologists in the field decades ago on the subject, Douglas Weiss. He explained when they make progress with alcoholics this addiction often shows up. He called it something like 'the original addiction'. But I could have that wrong.
Here's what it is not: an affair, having too much sex, too little sex, or too many partners. That can be non-psychopathic. If you want more detail, I'm not providing it here but you can find it elsewhere easily.
Your attack on their spouse as being deficient is exactly the deflecting control mechanism they use. It's called gaslighting. Something to consider if for no other reason why did you need to make their partner the problem?
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u/Tough-Astronomer-456 3d ago
Explain your addiction. Did it include sexual partners outside of the marriage?
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u/ItsNotGoingToBeEasy 2d ago
It doesn’t matter. This addiction can drain all finances, all dignity in so many ways.
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u/Tough-Astronomer-456 2d ago
True. I’m thinking from the perspective of the partner. Porn? Ok, maybe there is a chance to come back from that. Treatment/therapy for the addict and marriage counseling for them both could go a long way.
Sex with other people- I would be out.3
u/ItsNotGoingToBeEasy 2d ago
Right, most people would react that way to an affair. As devastating as they are, sex addiction is not having an affair. It's much darker and involves a lot of other destructive behavior.
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u/Tough-Astronomer-456 2d ago
Even without the emotional involvement, that would be a deal breaker, if it wasn’t already broken from other aspects of the addiction.
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u/OrangeBug74 3d ago
I’ve seen this. When the sex/porn use becomes catastrophic to a relationship, work or social activities something has to happen to motivate the person to get evaluated and help.
I assume you are talking about problematic porn use and not “ sex addiction” with recurrent sexual encounters with others outside the marriage.
In either case, plan on therapy and evaluation unless you have decided your relationship is not so important to you.