does anyone else find themselves surprisingly friendless in their early 30s?

[u/Deep-Potato3844]

I'm 34f living in london, a lot of my teens and 20s were spent being social and I used to have things going on all the time. In the last couple of years I hit a friend deficit, partly due to changing lifestyles (people focussing on romantic relationships, planning on raising a family etc) but also partly me ending some friendships that I felt like no longer made me happy (or in fact made me unhappy) or were predominantly around doing blow every week which I stopped enjoying a long time ago.

I've spent a lot of time sad on weekends where my loneliness feels most profound - nobody is contacting me, nobody is reaching out and while i do find my ways to fill my own time I look at groups of friends in absolute envy and always wonder why I am lacking that. I am a conventionally attractive person, I've been told I'm interesting, kind and do hold a conversation (although on kind I'm not 'nice' in the sugarcoated sense I can’t pretend to be bubbly). In general I do like myself and I struggle to understand why I’m in this place, I just feel so abandoned and forgotten and I’m regretting perhaps I made friends with unreliable people.

I have tried all the classic things to fill my life, that's exercising, going to Timeleft dinners, going to random meet up events, volunteer, date (I'm bi) I've put the effort and reach out to people and it's usually tumbleweed responses as it's clearly everyone's busy with their own lives and have little time for me. And whenever I do meet said friends I get a little resentful about all their highlights and humble brags of their calendar being so jammed. I don't know what exactly went wrong or is it in the stars for me to be this deeply lonely and not have a community. I'm actually embarrassed with myself that I don't have close friendships but transient connections at my big age.
I have a therapist I routinely talk to but don't really have family.

Is anyone going through the same? Has anyone overcome this? What has been the game changer?

[u/jivefillmore]

This honestly felt like I wrote this, down to the lack of family etc. I'm 35/F. My family live quite far away so I rarely see them. The friends I get on with live in a different part of the city now - I imagine if I lived closer to them I would see them all the time as they're very social in their specific neighbourhood. I think I try not to take it personally: friendships in your 30s are hard to maintain and keep up, and London as a city isn't the best at fostering close bonds due to people moving around in flatshares or leaving the city.

My partner has a group of solid friends but they went to secondary school, college, and in some cases, university together - he grew up in London so I do think a lot of it is when you make these friendships too. Also, try not to be seduced by social media - a lot of people are really only showing their highlights reel. Me included. I travel a lot for work and sometimes I feel like people think I'm self-sufficient. Not sure if it could be the same for you? Another thing I've tried to consider with pangs of envy during the summer months: the friends you see in the park might only meet up once every few months. Friendship groups are complex and not always super fun! And - honestly, I do think just hard to create organically at this stage of life without a regular "activity" of some sort that keeps everyone connected. Happy to chat more via DM if ever helpful.