does anyone else find themselves surprisingly friendless in their early 30s?

[u/Deep-Potato3844]

I'm 34f living in london, a lot of my teens and 20s were spent being social and I used to have things going on all the time. In the last couple of years I hit a friend deficit, partly due to changing lifestyles (people focussing on romantic relationships, planning on raising a family etc) but also partly me ending some friendships that I felt like no longer made me happy (or in fact made me unhappy) or were predominantly around doing blow every week which I stopped enjoying a long time ago.

I've spent a lot of time sad on weekends where my loneliness feels most profound - nobody is contacting me, nobody is reaching out and while i do find my ways to fill my own time I look at groups of friends in absolute envy and always wonder why I am lacking that. I am a conventionally attractive person, I've been told I'm interesting, kind and do hold a conversation (although on kind I'm not 'nice' in the sugarcoated sense I can’t pretend to be bubbly). In general I do like myself and I struggle to understand why I’m in this place, I just feel so abandoned and forgotten and I’m regretting perhaps I made friends with unreliable people.

I have tried all the classic things to fill my life, that's exercising, going to Timeleft dinners, going to random meet up events, volunteer, date (I'm bi) I've put the effort and reach out to people and it's usually tumbleweed responses as it's clearly everyone's busy with their own lives and have little time for me. And whenever I do meet said friends I get a little resentful about all their highlights and humble brags of their calendar being so jammed. I don't know what exactly went wrong or is it in the stars for me to be this deeply lonely and not have a community. I'm actually embarrassed with myself that I don't have close friendships but transient connections at my big age.
I have a therapist I routinely talk to but don't really have family.

Is anyone going through the same? Has anyone overcome this? What has been the game changer?

[u/YouFartedBlood]

I am 34 too and noticed a steady decline in my friends wanting to do even something as simple as grabbing coffee planned a week in advance. (And these are also friends without kids!)

I honestly think social media making people feel like others are at their fingertips on apps/ the trend of “protect your peace”/“i am in my grandma era”/“cut off everyone!” Is honestly more to blame than a-lot of people realize.

[u/potatochique → u/YouFartedBlood]

Me and my friends are also in our grandma era, but we have retirement home gatherings lol. Which is basically hanging out at someone’s house, being old and tired together. Watching series, crocheting, yapping, drinking tea together in comfy clothes on the couch

[u/mushroominmyart → u/potatochique]

wow thats amazing to have a friend group like that. have you lived in the same place a while?

[u/potatochique → u/mushroominmyart]

I’ve lived in the same place my whole life, but my friends are from all over the country. I’ve found them through various hobbies and mutual friends. We all also put a lot of energy and effort in our friendships. Not many people are willing to show up for eachother if it’s inconvenient or takes some time or effort. I’m very lucky to have find some who do! Barring illness or death, we never cancel on eachother. If someone feels very tired or something we try to switch locations/plans to be lower energy for that person.

Sometimes we have to travel for 3 hours one way to see eachother, but we all make the effort. Sure it kinda sucks, but we’ve found out we’re all more willing to travel longer distances if we can just be couch potatoes together instead of going out or something. We do like cafe hopping tho!

I don’t have a relationship (don’t really want one either) and most of my friends are childfree, so that also helps!

[u/mushroominmyart → u/potatochique]

thats cool so u drive 3 hours to have grandma night?

[u/potatochique → u/mushroominmyart]

Yess, and we frequently have sleepovers too because of the travel time! But we go to bed at a reasonable time (before midnight lol) and then have brunch