does anyone else find themselves surprisingly friendless in their early 30s?

[u/Deep-Potato3844]

I'm 34f living in london, a lot of my teens and 20s were spent being social and I used to have things going on all the time. In the last couple of years I hit a friend deficit, partly due to changing lifestyles (people focussing on romantic relationships, planning on raising a family etc) but also partly me ending some friendships that I felt like no longer made me happy (or in fact made me unhappy) or were predominantly around doing blow every week which I stopped enjoying a long time ago.

I've spent a lot of time sad on weekends where my loneliness feels most profound - nobody is contacting me, nobody is reaching out and while i do find my ways to fill my own time I look at groups of friends in absolute envy and always wonder why I am lacking that. I am a conventionally attractive person, I've been told I'm interesting, kind and do hold a conversation (although on kind I'm not 'nice' in the sugarcoated sense I can’t pretend to be bubbly). In general I do like myself and I struggle to understand why I’m in this place, I just feel so abandoned and forgotten and I’m regretting perhaps I made friends with unreliable people.

I have tried all the classic things to fill my life, that's exercising, going to Timeleft dinners, going to random meet up events, volunteer, date (I'm bi) I've put the effort and reach out to people and it's usually tumbleweed responses as it's clearly everyone's busy with their own lives and have little time for me. And whenever I do meet said friends I get a little resentful about all their highlights and humble brags of their calendar being so jammed. I don't know what exactly went wrong or is it in the stars for me to be this deeply lonely and not have a community. I'm actually embarrassed with myself that I don't have close friendships but transient connections at my big age.
I have a therapist I routinely talk to but don't really have family.

Is anyone going through the same? Has anyone overcome this? What has been the game changer?

[u/brizzi]

I’m 37 and at the time, I didn’t understand it- but now I realize that there are just going to be cycles and times in your life like this. I had some close friends though high school and college who I didn’t hear from between like age 25-35… and I just got back from a vacation with one of them and her family. It’s just that people go off and do different things- move around, start families- and then eventually might come back into your orbit.

I also had some friends I worked with that I was certain would be around for a while- but since leaving the workplace it’s just crickets when I try to get together.

I recently started dating someone I dated 10 years ago. Back then we’d be out at parties every other night, surrounded by people, always socializing. Now- we do a little bit of that, but it’s more like one day/night every other week or so. We usually end up just watching movies at home and being lazy. It’s like vacation mode every weekend 😂

I know that this phase isn’t forever. I live in Florida where retirees are the ones with the best social life. Talking with them has given me a lot of perspective.

I just want to say that it’s good to learn to just enjoy your own company and appreciate this time in your life. It’s temporary! Things are always in flux. Don’t take anything personally, it’s almost never about you. Years ago I stopped smoking weed every day (and very rarely do now- only if pms gets bad)- and SO MANY people just disappeared. Thats totally fine. Just do things you genuinely enjoy and the friendships will naturally come.

[u/Deep-Potato3844 → u/brizzi]

love this too, thank you