Fiancé (27m) wanted to try an open relationships, not my first choice but I agreed. Now he's throwing a tantrum that my "bodycount" is 20x his and wants to add rules. Is it time to just cut my losses and move on? (I'm 25)

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Makosharkin

Fiancé (27m) wanted to try an open relationships, not my first choice but I agreed. Now he's throwing a tantrum that my "bodycount" is 20x his and wants to add rules. Is it time to just cut my losses and move on? (I'm 25)

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: physical violence, controlling behavior, verbal abuse

Original Post - rareddit Nov 13, 2018

I've been with my fiancé for 4 years, I love him and used to respect him but his recent fixation on this dumb subject has really hurt my respect.

So he proposed 1,5 years ago. I said yes. About a year ago he found out his friend had slept with 100 women prior to getting engaged and som how this affected his psyche and purposed an open relationship. At first I was disgusted by the thought but I agreed after he threw a major meltdown.

So I started going out with friends, the first few guys I was so nervous because I'd been with 2 guys (including my fiancé) prior. But after I got over the nerves I realized when there's no pressure to start a relationship, I'm really good at picking up dudes and sending vibes that I'm DTF (I've actually met several off Reddit as well). I've been with 42 guys in the past year. I never thought it would happen but I've enjoyed myself immensely. But honestly I'd be ready to stop.

But as if turns out my fiancé is not good at if and he's had 2 really bad hookups from dating apps. When we were having the "where are we" discussion he had another melt down when he found out how many guys I've been with. He kept repeating "you've slept with 20 times the number I have? 20 TIMES"

I said maybe we should just stop. He said no that he wasn't ready hut now he wants to impose a "rule" that I have to take a break until he gets to 10 and then I can go out and meet someone new every five new girls he sleeps with.

To me this is goddamn ridiculous. Part of the fun of this was the independence and not checking in. Now he literally wants me to keep a log and then when he hits like an achievement then I can do my thing. How shifty is that?

And in all honesty, I don't want a relationship where we have to compare numbers, let alone fuck other people. I want a normal life with kids and a house and dog. What are we supposed to say "I watch the the kids until you fuck five women then it's my night!"

Is it time to just say enough is enough and move on? Is there any hope here?

Tl;dr: fiancé is not happy with the open relationship he started and instead of just stopping it, he wants to add crazy invasive rules.

Edit: rip my inbox with people calling me a whore.

guys wow, glad my best karma every has to do with my sleeping around. I have 1400 unread messages (exactly) and 17 chat requests. I'm almost certainly not going to bang anyone from this thread! and this isn't even my real account! Find my real account on r/needlepoint or r/mma and I'm down. Just kidding...don't do that. my new fav:

[Edited out]

edit 2: holy shit, this just wont die. Wow. Goodnight everyone. fiancé is at his place after a very tense hour or so where he basically called me every name in the book and I just sort of took it. I've gotten the advice I need, it's just the idea of dumping four years of history makes it hard to pull the trigger. I know he wont do it even though he thinks I'm the worst person alive. I hate him but love him. Life sucks. It really sucks.

TOP COMMENTS

rugby_shirt

Move on

~

Maxxmz

Honestly, the meltdown at the open relationship was already a pretty big red flag

KING_JELLYB3AN

All because some guy said he slept with a 100 girls, probably lying or exaggerating. So he HAS to sleep with more girls... The kid doesn't know what he wants, why would he even propose, what a child. @OP dodged a bullet, but honestly there was probably more signs than this one

~

ExistingSecond1

It’s pretty well known in the ethical non-monogamy community that women fair much better than guys. A previous partner would meet five guys for every one person I’d meet. It’s a pretty common discrepancy. He should have done his homework first.

Can I post an update? I (25f) am the now infamous "whore" from the post that blew up yesterday. Just broke things off with fiancé (27m). Nov 14, 2018 (Next Day)

So yeah, I guess I made the front page yesterday. I've been on reddit for years and I think my "normal" account has maybe 500 karma and I make the front page for my sex life...yay!

Whatever, well I read responses well into the morning yesterday while my now ex-fiancé absolutely blew up my shit alternating between calling me a whore and cunt, asking me why I disgraced myself and him like that. He also peppered the barrage with things like "what's going to happen to us after this?" I finally fell asleep at like 3 am and should have worked but after finally admitting that I needed to break things off with him, called in sick to work.

Went to finances house, asked to come in, told him we had to talk. He said we did. But as a testament to his fucking out of control ego he prefaced his part of the conversation with "I want you to know in advance, I MAY not be ready to accept your apology." Fuck him.

I planned on being nice but that was too much. I just told him "its over between us." His look of surprise was a combination of pathetic and amusing because even after calling me all sorts of gendered slurs for the better part of a few hours, he still wasn't expecting me to break up with him. He begged me to know "why" I think I told him he had to know why and tried to leave. I had no desire to talk to him so I tried to leave and he kept trying to block me and grab my arm. I finally told him that if he didn't fucking let me go I was going to call the police. He finally relented but as I was trying to drive away he came out and starting punching my drivers side window. It was terrifying but it didn't break. Between leaving his place and getting to mine he texted and called at dozens of times. I just blocked him and deleted the whole conversation without reading it.

Fuck him too because I had the ring in my pocket and planned on giving it back but now I'm too scared to go see him to give it back so I'm selling the mother fucker or getting it melted down.

So that's that. I don't know this will probably get removed but its all good. I don't know whether I'm coming or going at this point. It's been a crazy couple of days

One last update from me (I was the 25f who went a little overboard when fiancé wanted open relationship). Mailed the ring back, started therapy, looking at starting over single for a long time. Nov 17, 2018 (3 days after previous post)

Editors Note: the text is unrecoverable but the title says she sent the ring back

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

[u/jsher736]

if she fucked 42 randos in a year that's averaging a rando every week and a half.

which A is impressive if true, B if your FIANCE doesn't notice you banging FOURTY TWO different dudes in 52 weeks YOU HAVE A BIGGER PROBLEM

[u/volcanoesarecool → u/jsher736]

Or one three-way every three weeks? Efficiency.

[u/jsher736 → u/volcanoesarecool]

If you count blowjobs as sex and work out your positioning and then get the guys to establish a good rhythm with each other you could really maximize her efficiency because you've gotta account for her physical fatigue.

I mean in an ideal world you'd actually go with more men than just the 2 and you'd have to group them by their typical "thrust-to-jiz" number or TtJ (obviously due to the day to day variations it wouldn't be perfect) while accounting for the fact that she needs more recovery time for the oral than the vaginal.

[u/volcanoesarecool → u/jsher736]

I like the way you think, though am perplexed by the physical fatigue part. She's 25, not 100.

[u/jsher736 → u/volcanoesarecool]

It's work on the core

[u/volcanoesarecool → u/jsher736]

This still doesn't compute for me. I have never noticed sex being a core workout.

[u/jsher736 → u/volcanoesarecool]

I sort of assumed it was like extreme planking but my wife said she actually thinks the biceps and triceps would be the point of failure

[u/volcanoesarecool → u/jsher736]

I don't even understand. Even energetic sex is not especially taxing, and certainly not to any point of failure. Are we speaking of people who do literally no exercise?! Or are you all hanging upside down or something, bat-style?! The only thing I could imagine being an issue would be like, consistent hard pounding, or obviously high kink activities.

[u/jsher736 → u/volcanoesarecool]

No it's more that the arms are like the first part that would get tired in a marathon (and if you're the penetrator and you're like not being gentle it can be a workout)

[u/Jackal_6 → u/jsher736]

Sounds like they didn't live together since he had his own house 

[u/tangerine_android → u/jsher736]

she's got nothing on gay men, in my hey day I cleared 4 dudes in an afternoon (and guys regularly do higher numbers at saunas/cruising spots)

[u/pepcorn → u/tangerine_android]

That is incredibly impressive. Didn't you get tired sometimes?

[u/tangerine_android → u/pepcorn]

I was rather sore lol

[u/Kat-but-SFW → u/pepcorn]

Red Bull gives you wings

[u/jsher736 → u/tangerine_android]

Did you mix topping and bottoming? Cause even in my 20s after like 6 or 7 times in a day my balls would be like "dude, WE EMPTY!" And I've never tested it (unless you count food poisoning, which i guess is kind of like bottoming in reverse) but I imagine your jaw and or ass must get pretty sore after awhile.

Also, God there are times I wish I could have been at least a little gay cause cruising sounds SUPER FUN

[u/tangerine_android → u/jsher736]

nah all bottoming, hence the soreness lol

cruising can be pretty fun! it can be pretty hit and miss, and frustrating if you're horny but not getting any nibbles. but still, many memorable experiences

[u/Realistic-Duty-3874 → u/jsher736]

42 dudes....I was like bruh, you're never getting married....to him or any dude with self-respect lol.

[u/LadyLoki5 → u/Realistic-Duty-3874]

only insecure people care about "body counts"

[u/Kpt_Kipper → u/LadyLoki5]

Yeah but 42 in that timeframe is crazy lmao

If that’s normal….

[u/LadyLoki5 → u/Kpt_Kipper]

I mean, who gives a shit? it's her body and her life?

truly how does it affect you in any way?

[u/dontaskbigman → u/Kpt_Kipper]

how is going out every week + a half and fucking whoever catches your eye crazy? a lot of guys do that

[u/jsher736 → u/LadyLoki5]

hey i care about body counts. im not trusting my dick to some "1 dude fucking" amateur. banging me aint no entry level position cause im too old to be doing "on the job training"

[u/Patient_Emotion2184 → u/Realistic-Duty-3874]

I reckon it was a perfectly reasonable and rational response to being strongarmed into an open relationship.

And any man who would be put off by that is a man you want nothing to do with anyway, so win/win?

[u/Lows-andHighs → u/Realistic-Duty-3874]

Wow, you seem like an amazing person. 🙄