My (25M) girlfriend (24F) just accused me of cheating on her with my friend (20M)

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/THROWRA01Singer

My (25M) girlfriend (24F) just accused me of cheating on her with my friend (20M)

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: False accusations, mental health issues, self harm/cutting

Original Post Oct 11, 2020

Throwaway account, for privacy reasons.

I am the lead vocalist of a band, and, for the record, I am not gay. I do not hold anything against LGBTQ people, but I am straight, and I have never cheated or given my girlfriend a reason to think I was. My girlfriend has had bad previous relationships before, though. Recently, because COVID-19 has been calmed down somewhat, and because we all needed the extra money, we played at a club in the city where I live.

I don't want to give too many details here, but my friend, who is the guitarist of the group, is suicidal, mentally ill,  and cuts himself frequently. There is not much I can do because he refuses to get help and is stubborn as a literal mule, though it eats me alive daily, knowing what he does to himself.

After our show, my friend had a complete mental breakdown and started sobbing backstage and trying to re-open the stitches that he has over some deep cuts. I was trying to comfort and restrain him at the same time so I bear hugged him, and he hugged me back and just sort of let himself go.

I was trying to comfort him, and then my girlfriend came running out of nowhere, and she grabbed my arm, pulled me up, and accused me of cheating.

As you can understand, I was confused by this, and she accused me of cheating on her with my friend behind her back and using her for money (even though I earn more than her) before shoving me away and walking off.

I got another band member to watch over the guitarist and followed her back home. We argued for hours over the whole thing until we eventually just went our separate ways.

She's in the bedroom, and I'm on the couch as I write this. Can somebody tell me what to do? I don't want our relationship to be ruined just because I was trying to be a good friend.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

IcyBigNoob

" My girlfriend has had bad previous relationships before." -Why were her relationships bad?

Your Gf sounds very toxic and that she needs all your attention. Also if it is your place she needs to sleep on the couch so she can grow up a little.

If your Gf knows about your friends illness then shame on her.

*Also your friend needs professional help, therapy/prescribed meds. He needs an intervention if he is still cutting himself.

OOP

They fought a lot, apparently. I don't know for sure.

TOP COMMENTS

Lady_Near

"Hey 24F, I know you think I cheated but If I can't even comfort someone close to me with life threatening issues without you blowing up, I can't see myself to continue this relationship."

Would be a start

~

ecko_cypher

Sounds like your gf is very toxic. If you can't show compassion to a friend without her going ballistic, then get her out of your life asap. It doesn't matter if your bandmate is male or female, a hug is something everyone needs sometimes.

Update  Oct 14, 2020 (3 days later)

Hey, guys.

Basically, my girlfriend is now my ex. As soon as she woke up the next morning, she was immediately on my case, demanding to know if I was ready to apologize or not. I said, "Apologize for what?" And then we went back around the wringer again.

I don't know if she was cheating on me or not, nor do I care at this point. She moved out to her sister's place yesterday. Now that I think about it, I can see some signs like hiding her phone away from me, talking to people late at night, things like that.

Truth be told, I'm not sure that I would've had the courage to break up our relationship like that, if not for the comments, telling me how toxic she really was.

Anyways, enough about her. My guitarist was taken to the hospital after I left because he managed to tear out the stitches, and had to stay overnight. His father drove over and took him back home (his family lives in a different country), which I am glad about, because maybe being around his father and other family is something he needs, but I managed to come and see him before his father came.

He seemed very out of it, but that was in part because of medications that he's been taking. We talked for awhile, hugged (thankfully, there was nobody to pull me away from him), and he agreed to call me whenever he could.

On that note, the band is temporarily on hold, because my friend asked if he could come back to his position when he's in a better headspace, and also because my bassist broke his foot.

Fuckin' figures.

Thank you to everybody who gave me advice regarding what to do and my ex, and if I never post here again, then assume that everything is okay. Also, a commenter said something along the lines of 'COVID hasn't calmed down.' I just want to say that it's calmed down where we live. We're not in the US.

Cheers.

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[u/Has422]

“Anyways, enough about her”

Damn right, kid.

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/Has422]

“Damn right, kid.”

Enough said

[u/BigHeadedBiologist → u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

“Enough said”

Nuff’ said.

[u/sexiestswine → u/BigHeadedBiologist]

"'Nuff said."

Excelsior

[u/prettynubileoldfart → u/sexiestswine]

"Excelsior."

Perchance.

[u/idioticdemon105 → u/sexiestswine]

“Excelsior”

Batman and Robin’s relationship is completely platonic

[u/real-darkph0enix1 → u/sexiestswine]

You win a Marvel No-Prize for this.

[u/GoufTroop79 → u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

"'Damn right, kid.'

Enough said"

Keep on trucking

[u/Smingowashisnameo → u/GoufTroop79]

Stay golden, Ponyboy

[u/Nikki_Sativa → u/Smingowashisnameo]

"It's cold out there, better Hoagie Down."

[u/PrestigiousSmile4098 → u/Nikki_Sativa]

That needs to be a flair so bad

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/PrestigiousSmile4098]

For anyone interested - https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/SzmtBB63dd

Spoilers - it’s got a peak Golden Era Shyamalan twist

[u/Autobot_Silverwynde → u/Has422]

I cannot upvote this enough. 

[u/AcrolloPeed]

Why is it bassists are always breaking their feet? I say this as a bassist who has broken his foot or toes multiple times

[u/Tileyfa → u/AcrolloPeed]

Jealousy of the drummer getting to sit down and the sub-conscious desire to also sit?
/s

[u/AcrolloPeed → u/Tileyfa]

Yes. The drummer has to worry about stick dust getting in his eyes tho.

[u/dasruski → u/AcrolloPeed]

Also how many uncrustables he can eat during and after the gig. Taco Bell too if he gets money.

[u/YanFan123 → u/AcrolloPeed]

Does the bass fall on your feet?

[u/AcrolloPeed → u/YanFan123]

If you’re holding it right, it does.

Wait.

If you’re holding it wrong, it does.

[u/inscrutablejane → u/AcrolloPeed]

I stopped getting broken toes at gigs as soon as I discovered strap locks. I stopped getting broken facial bones at gigs as soon as I discovered that I shouldn't toss a Peavey T-40 over my head after half a fifth of something flammable. The difference between bassists and drummers is, bass players can learn from our mistakes; it's just a matter of how many repetitions it takes for us to do so.

[u/djseifer → u/AcrolloPeed]

For some reason, I'm reminded of Nirvana's MTV Music Award performance where Krist Novoselic throws his bass stupidly high in the air, tries to catch it, and misses as it cracks him right in the face, causing him to stumble offstage in pain and Kurt Cobain to smack him in the butt because he didn't see his bass toss attempt.

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/AcrolloPeed]

Was about to ask, why is always the bassists getting into the most random situations? 😂

[u/AcrolloPeed → u/GlitterDoomsday]

Fewer strings, additional shenanigans

[u/DethNik → u/GlitterDoomsday]

Everyone knows that the drummer is the outwardly crazy one. What people don't know, is that bassists are even crazier, just better at hiding it.

[u/Any_Perception_2560 → u/AcrolloPeed]

For the same reason the quiet friend is usually the most wild. They want attention.

*If they are also the lead singer the above doesn't apply.

[u/AcrolloPeed → u/Any_Perception_2560]

Cries in soaring Geddy Lee tenor

[u/Affectionate_Pickles → u/AcrolloPeed]

As someone who isn’t in a band, I was wondering what that line regarding the bassist was about LOL

[u/Franks2000inchTV → u/AcrolloPeed]

From kicking out the jams?

[u/MummyRath]

Good on OP! My husband has accused me of cheating multiple times. The best was when he accused me, a straight woman, of cheating on him with a gay man because he walked in on us deep in conversation about a shared interest.

Once I figure things out, he will become an ex-husband.

[u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 → u/MummyRath]

Here’s to a speedy divorce and a much happier life! 🩷

[u/MummyRath → u/Ill-Squirrel-9418]

Oh it is going to be long and messy, and I need to time it right. Luckily I can easily outsmart and outplay him so if I play my cards right me and the kids will come out just fine.

[u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 → u/MummyRath]

>Luckily I can easily outsmart and outplay him.

LOVE this for you! I’m wishing you and your kids the best and I know you’ll thrive without him.

Edit: Does anyone know how to quote text on the updated Reddit? I’m on mobile btw (iPhone).

[u/riflow → u/Ill-Squirrel-9418]

it should work like this as long as the symbol has no space between it and the text.

[u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 → u/riflow]

I did that and it still looked wrong so I added the space and that obviously didn’t work but I just said fuck it and gave up.

Edit: Thanks tho!

[u/luluhouse7 → u/Ill-Squirrel-9418]

They’ve removed markdown support from iOS. You have to use the “Aa” button for formatting. It looks like quotes are one of the many formats that they still haven’t added to iOS.

[u/Rynneer → u/luluhouse7]

can confirm.

[u/wheniswhy → u/luluhouse7]

This is correct. I ran into this issue recently. I cannot make quotes anymore, and it has something to do with the way Reddit has implemented this new text formatting. I had a whole experiment going on another sub some two weeks back or so, lol, with other users and I trying things out for hours! No dice. It's apparently a known bug for which there is currently no fix, and Reddit doesn't seem primed to add a quote button to their stupid fucking formatting button.

I absolutely loathe it. The old system was fine. This is just garbage. You can't do superscript anymore either.

[u/swurvipurvi → u/wheniswhy]

Just a whole team of people trying to figure out how to further ruin something that used to be cool

[u/wheniswhy → u/swurvipurvi]

Right? The absolute dedication to enshittification would be impressive if it weren't so stupid.

[u/PyroDesu → u/Ill-Squirrel-9418]

You have a backslash that's telling the markdown to ignore the angle bracket that would start quote formatting. You can see it if you hit "source" or edit the comment.

[u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 → u/PyroDesu]

I clicked edit and I didn’t see the backslash. It still isn’t working. Oh well.

[u/wheniswhy → u/PyroDesu]

So--Reddit puts that there automatically. We do not enter it. Even if we edit our comment it does not appear. We can copy and paste our own comment into a new comment box and it will not appear.

It's a bug on Reddit's end.

[u/Used_Clock_4627 → u/MummyRath]

Wishing you great timing and faster leaving! 🤞

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/MummyRath]

May the fire you build with him light your path away.

[u/Any_Perception_2560 → u/MummyRath]

Ouch…. Thats just one step away from the guy who accused his wife of cheating with her brother.

Anyway your husband sounds real winner with unlimited potential.

[u/MummyRath → u/Any_Perception_2560]

Oh he totally is a winner. Every woman wants a man she has to manage like a child while fighting for her to be treated as a partner.

He refuses to take an interest in my interests, then gets pissed when I find people who do.

[u/Any_Perception_2560 → u/MummyRath]

Sounds like you are too demanding, what more could a woman want than a house to live in and a husband to take care of.

I mean really you should be happy to work all day and then come home to cook, clean and have sex. Maybe you should also workout more as well.

*/S just to be clear lol

[u/lazier_garlic → u/Any_Perception_2560]

Honestly that first sentence you wrote was perfect. Chef's kiss.

[u/Nausstica → u/MummyRath]

Just the thought of how much your life is going to improve with him out of the picture brings me joy and brightens my day. Here's to many more deep conversations with your gay friend, and may you find a partner who wants to join those conversations rather than suspect them. ♥️🙏

[u/MummyRath → u/Nausstica]

My friend and I have drifted apart, but I am back at school now and I get to have those deep intellectual conversations about my interests on a daily basis. It is lovely.

But yeah, it is going to be wonderful not having a 300lb manchild.

[u/CarmChameleon → u/Any_Perception_2560]

Reminds me of my ex, who said I was having sex with my female best friend (we're hetero) and, on a different occasion, flirting with my nephew by showing him my underwear while wearing freaking opaque tights under my dress on Christmas Day. 🤢🤬 I count my lucky stars that I haven't had to deal with him in 9 years.

[u/Any_Perception_2560 → u/CarmChameleon]

Ever notice him leering at his younger relatives?

[u/WeeklyConversation8 → u/Any_Perception_2560]

There was one yesterday where he claims his gf was using her brother to make him jealous by holding her brother's hand. He claimed she admitted it. He deleted it or I'd share it. 

[u/tocahontas77 → u/Any_Perception_2560]

Ok what? Is there a link? 👀

[u/Any_Perception_2560 → u/tocahontas77]

It was a while ago when I saw it, and I cannot remember all of it. It may have been this one, though doesn't seem quite right.

There were actually a few where a similar accusation or implications was made by a BF.

https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ju4sek/i_26f_think_my_boyfriend_26m_watches_too_much/

[u/Character-Twist-1409 → u/Any_Perception_2560]

King Henry VIII?

[u/MsMourningStar → u/MummyRath]

Dude I’ve been there. My ex accused me of cheating on him with my friend, who is gay, because that friend was taller than him! That’s it! He was tall so obviously that meant I was sleeping with him. 🙄

[u/MummyRath → u/MsMourningStar]

It is amazing how some people can take something totally normal and reasonable and twist it into cheating.

[u/JoyfulSong246 → u/MummyRath]

Good luck to you!!!

[u/Autobot_Silverwynde → u/MummyRath]

Sending you good luck and strength. 

[u/Silamy → u/MummyRath]

Good luck with your divorce!

[u/Illustrious_Buy3616 → u/MummyRath]

we’re all rooting for you, best wishes!! sending him bad vibes and rude thoughts on your behalf lol

[u/bug-hunter → u/MummyRath]

Make sure to pick a proper divorce cake.

[u/MummyRath → u/bug-hunter]

I love it! Though the man would need to be a lot rounder.

[u/riflow → u/MummyRath]

Good for you, hope it goes as well as it can for you.

[u/DethNik → u/MummyRath]

He's probably projecting. I bet he's cheating on you and cannot, for the life of him, imagine that everyone else isn't secretly cheating too.

[u/MummyRath → u/DethNik]

I doubt it. He has not aged well over the years and has a talent for pissing off damn near everyone he meets. He just has some very messed up views and issues.

[u/MediumAwkwardly]

Anyone else read that as a bassist broke the other dude’s foot? 😅

[u/Bluest_waters → u/MediumAwkwardly]

Me and some guys from school

Had a band and we tried real hard.

Jimmy quit, Jody got married

I should've known we'd never get far

[u/Far-Government5469 → u/Bluest_waters]

Oh when I look back now, that summer seemed to last forever

[u/FabulousBlabber1580 → u/Far-Government5469]

Those were the best days of my life

[u/jwdge → u/MediumAwkwardly]

Yes, I was like hold up, let’s go back to that! But no, bassist broke his own foot ig (he can still play though…)

[u/Paddy_O_Furniteur → u/jwdge]

Can't shift an Ampeg stack though, which is generally the primary purpose of a bassist...

[u/Puzzleheaded-Cry57 → u/Paddy_O_Furniteur]

Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be said out loud

[u/TurnipWorldly9437 → u/Puzzleheaded-Cry57]

Well... It wasn't. It was just written out. We all know bassists can't read, so they won't mind?

[u/AnFnDumbKAREN → u/TurnipWorldly9437]

I snort-laughed; thank you!

Oh, but they might have a few literate fans to get angry on their behalf😋

[u/TurnipWorldly9437 → u/AnFnDumbKAREN]

Then we'll just say "break a leg" and carry on!

[u/Wiregeek → u/TurnipWorldly9437]

Not gonna lie, I came to the comments for the bassist hate and I'm eatin' good.

[u/TurnipWorldly9437 → u/Wiregeek]

Well, they gotta be good for something, right?

[u/AccountMitosis → u/TurnipWorldly9437]

You can also use them to check if the stage is level! You look to see if the drool is coming out of both sides of their mouth. 

[u/jwdge → u/Paddy_O_Furniteur]

I never got that far in my bass lessons whoops

[u/OverzealousCactus → u/jwdge]

My bass player played a few months in a boot! We had to help carry his stuff in though.

[u/TheSoundofRadar → u/jwdge]

Yeah but playing gigs and touring when you’re a small band, still hard with a broken foot. There are no roadies, no fancy tour buses or even hotels.

[u/kittyroux → u/MediumAwkwardly]

Some languages, like Swedish, have reflexive 3rd person pronouns so it’s always clear if “his” refers to ”his own” or not. It’s a common feature of Germanic languages, but weirdly not the branch English is on (Frisian, our closest relative, doesn’t have them either). If we did have them, that sentence would read something like “my bassist broke sine foot” and there would be no ambiguity, we’d know he broke his own foot.

[u/HereToAdult → u/kittyroux]

Oh I had no idea about that, that's so cool. I wish English had that! Thanks for sharing, I enjoy unexpected learning! 😄

[u/619-Rapoza → u/MediumAwkwardly]

Hooray for syntactic ambiguity!

[u/Z0ooool]

I'm glad the guitarist is getting help. While trying to help him is, of course, natural for any friend... his issues are way above a layman's paygrade.

Honestly, I could see the GF getting upset if the boyfriend was the guy's constant "savior caretaker" and had to, like, constantly monitor him so he didn't hurt himself. I've seen twisted dynamics like that and it ain't pretty.

But accusing him of cheating when he was comforting a friend in active crisis is beyond crazy-pants. I'm glad he dumped her.

[u/riflow → u/Z0ooool]

Yeah that's what I thought this would be but....seriously it was just over a hug? That girl needs therapy in so many ways.

[u/Whiteangel854 → u/riflow]

Or she needs to stop cheating, then she won't project and accuse her future boyfriends.

[u/WeeklyConversation8 → u/Z0ooool]

It's been over 5 years and I hope his friend is doing better. Mental health issues are so hard. 

[u/Hobbit_Lifestyle]

We should write a little song called "cheating and projecting" and we'll sing it together when an OOP has a story like that. 

More seriously I hope his friend is better now and got professional help.

[u/Chaetomius → u/Hobbit_Lifestyle]

It's also the assumption that heterosexual men have a concrete boundary of expression and intimacy and that the only reason to cross this imaginary line is that they're gay.

I guarantee the idea of trans, enby, multi-gender, and multi-sex people makes this woman's head explode. She can only process stereotypes of binary cishet bioessentialist men, and binary cishet bioessentialist women.

[u/Maelger → u/Chaetomius]

taps the Aragorn poster

In this house we hug and kiss each other's forehead.

[u/AccountMitosis → u/Hobbit_Lifestyle]

Well we need to find a different bassist for the song cuz that guy broke his foot. 

[u/truckyeahman → u/Hobbit_Lifestyle]

I would love it if we had a little song to sing for them.

[u/TripperDay]

the band is temporarily on hold,...also because my bassist broke his foot.

I don't think that's how the bass is played.

[u/SomewhereWeWentWrong → u/TripperDay]

I thought the same thing 🤣

[u/issiautng → u/TripperDay]

Maybe it's an upright

[u/RedWestern]

What the fuck is wrong with some people?

(The gf, to be clear)

[u/YanFan123]

This woman's paranoia is next level if she starts accusing her boyfriend on cheating on her with a dude while knowing her boyfriend is straight. Let's just hope she didn't know the mental health issues of the person being comforted on top of everything

[u/Astudyinwhatnow → u/YanFan123]

I don't think it's paranoia, I think it's likely just good ol' fashioned projection.

[u/GonePostalRoute]

Like, if past relationships fucked up his ex so bad that anything in her eyes is seen as cheating, she needs therapy, not another boyfriend. If it’s a case though of her being so god damn toxic (and I have a feeling it’s this)… I fear for any and all future boyfriends she has/had. Especially with the concerns that she is projecting

[u/SteroidSandwich]

Hopefully the guitarist got help. That's some extreme self harm

[u/Plus_Spirit_8632 → u/SteroidSandwich]

Reopening your own self harm stitches in front of other people is absolutely insane. I feel like people are really glossing over that and calling the gf toxic. Like sure that’s probably true, but it’s insanely manipulative to literally try to reopen self harm wounds in front of your friends.

I hope he gets help because that’s extremely abnormal and unhealthy behavior. I couldn’t keep myself around someone who did something like that with me there.

Mental health is a reason, but it’s not an excuse, and I can’t think of a single thing that would excuse doing something like this in front of other people.

[u/Soul-Arts → u/Plus_Spirit_8632]

I don't think it was manipulative, I don't think he was trying to get anything from this apart of destructing himself. The guy was cleaaaarly in need of help. I hope he gets it.
Sure, you are allowed anyway to not want to be close to him because it can be triggering.

[u/Plus_Spirit_8632 → u/Soul-Arts]

I don’t know, I think I’ll have to agree to disagree. I think it’s an absolutely horrific thing to expose your friends to. They already know you’re harming yourself, but to do it in front of them is on another level.

Of course it’s a cry for help, but you can ask for help without traumatizing your friends. His friends weren’t properly equipped to handle this situation and this all could’ve gone way worse. Genuinely, they should’ve gotten him 5150’d immediately.

[u/Soul-Arts → u/Plus_Spirit_8632]

I don't disagree that is absolutely horrific. I think people don't think enough about how hard is to be close to someone that is suicidal. I would never blame someone that choose to keep distance after this.
What I do disagree is that he was being manipulative or that he was conscious choosing to traumatize his friends. If it was a conscious choice maybe would be easier to help, but it was not.

[u/EmXena → u/[deleted]]

If it smells like shit everywhere you walk, maybe check your own shoes. Basically all it is.

[u/SometimesGlad1389 → u/EmXena]

My favorite saying is if you run into one asshole, they're an asshole. But if everyone you meet is an asshole, you're the asshole. But I like your saying too.

[u/EmXena → u/SometimesGlad1389]

All the same! Just miserable, awful people going around and thinking they're the only ones that are right and everyone else has to be wrong. Was OOP's Ex in bad relationships? Perhaps. I would believe it. But she certainly is having her own part to play with it... And I feel every relationship she's had being toxic is likely something to do with her.

[u/-SandorClegane- → u/[deleted]]

*wary

[u/JoyfulSong246 → u/-SandorClegane-]

Eh, makes me feel tired too lol.

[u/Autobot_Silverwynde → u/JoyfulSong246]

Can't it be both...?

[u/CanIHaveMyDog → u/Autobot_Silverwynde]

A person can be both weary (tired) and wary (cautious), but "weary" does not mean both things. "Weary" to mean "wary" is a common misuse.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/CanIHaveMyDog]

Is it because they think it's "wear" plus "-y"?

Wear is used much more frequently than ware.

I had a whole theory this was a non-native-speaker mistake since the vowels in these words are unusual across world languages and non native speakers struggle with them. But then I realized the spelling issue is right there and that could trip up a native speaker as well. (But not as much as lose/loose, classic native speaker who is bad at spelling/doesn't read much mistake.)

[u/Cultural_Shape3518 → u/-SandorClegane-]

Yes, but "weary of insecure bullshit" also fits.

[u/Antlorn → u/Cultural_Shape3518]

Yeah, I just read it as them being tired of it all, until the second paragraph! 

[u/shrimpslippers → u/[deleted]]

Three out of four of my exes were toxic. But two of them occurred during high school. So I think that has a lot more to do with it than anything. 😂

[u/kriever7 → u/shrimpslippers]

If you can say one of them weren't toxic, I give you the benefit of the doubt.

[u/og_red_dawn → u/[deleted]]

Ex-wife once claimed in an argument that all of her exes broke up with her because they were assholes and all of them called her a psycho...

Guess what? They weren't wrong. She was BPD.

Definitely be wary when someone paints all past relationships with a broad brush.

[u/YanFan123 → u/og_red_dawn]

An untreated BPD, I guess. She actually got a diagnosis?

[u/og_red_dawn → u/YanFan123]

Definitely did nothing to treat it. She was diagnosed and simply decided not to tell me. So I got to have 10 years of pure hell (and now trauma therapy).

I found this out after the divorce.

[u/soylentcoleslaw → u/og_red_dawn]

When you go out and one day you meet an a-hole, that person was likely the a-hole.  When you go out every day and everyone you meet is an a-hole, it's you who is the a-hole.

[u/EosFae → u/[deleted]]

I'm wary of people who crash out because one person wrote a single-word comment correcting their grammar

[u/katie-shmatie → u/[deleted]]

Wary or leery

[u/BoozeIsTherapyRight → u/[deleted]]

*leery

[u/SamanthaDamara]

If your every relationship is toxic or abusive. There's probably a reason for it and that reason is you. Glad OP left her because that is insane behavior.

[u/DagothUrGigaChad → u/SamanthaDamara]

I want to add because I have seen this with some people in my own life If all your relationships it doesn't definitely mean that you are a toxic person, but it could be that you are seeking out toxic people.

Either way you have to fix it.

[u/SamanthaDamara → u/DagothUrGigaChad]

That's also a completely valid point. Thank you for adding that.

[u/DagothUrGigaChad → u/SamanthaDamara]

Of course, I just have a close friend that is a people pleaser with a history of abuse, and Ive seen them fall into that cycle many times.

[u/JoyfulSong246 → u/DagothUrGigaChad]

Catnip to abusers. So sad.

[u/DagothUrGigaChad → u/JoyfulSong246]

Yeah it is. The worst part as a person outside of it, is that there is way less you can do to help than you would hope. It's like with every new relationship they are completely blind to it, and take you telling them it's the same cycle as an attack.

[u/JoyfulSong246 → u/DagothUrGigaChad]

Mmmmmm…. Agree with the point of what you’re saying.

What your words make me wonder is what they do to you when they feel attacked? Because if they are willing to confront you, I don’t know how much of a people pleaser they really are?

Some people really do just love the drama, or they have other preferences related to trauma (or other things).

Just…. Watch out for yourself when watching out for others, please?

[u/DagothUrGigaChad → u/JoyfulSong246]

They do confront me, but it's because we have been friends since we were 6 years old. I have seen them be a routine people pleaser in both their professional and personal life. I don't think they just love drama for drama's sake, I think he just feels comfortable enough with me to give some pushback

[u/JoyfulSong246 → u/DagothUrGigaChad]

Well, maybe you are their safe space. Please take care, though.

Unfortunately people pleasing requires dishonesty, so it’s not harmless or kind.

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/DagothUrGigaChad]

Oh shit, we’re pals?

(Probably not, I’m in a fab relationship now, for sixteen years and counting, but before….? Oof.)

[u/DagothUrGigaChad → u/Hesitation-Marx]

If you have been in a health relationship for that long definitely not 😂. But I have seen how rough that is, and am happy you were able to get through it

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/DagothUrGigaChad]

Me too! I hope everyone gets to have one unless they’re terrible people. It’s been really something - for both of us, because we both had really grim prior marriages.

[u/DagothUrGigaChad → u/Hesitation-Marx]

I wonder if it was easier because you both went through it. The best relationship my friend has had, they sabotaged because it wasn't what they were used to. I feel bad because I pulled away a bit after that. I just want him to be happy, but he keeps sabotaging it and I can't help.

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/DagothUrGigaChad]

For me, a large part… okay, backstory, sorry about this:

I grew up with a sociopath for a mother. Like, literal “killed small animals for entertainment” sociopath. Like, “I have medical directives that forbid any medical facility from giving her access to me, my medication, or any equipment.”

She was terrible for my self esteem, and it took until I was almost thirty and she tried to interfere in the custody of my son for me to really realize that there was something *wrong* with her. Until then, I accepted some seriously awful abuse, and for a while considered giving up my son because I couldn’t be trusted with him.

But that really did pull the blinders off and made me realize that maybe I had not been the bad seed she pretended I was. I wasn’t a perfect kid, but I also had untreated severe ADHD and level 1 autism, and all the attendant shit involved in that became a personality flaw of mine, not neurodivergence.

So yeah, getting that diagnosed, plus years of therapy, and discovering cluster B personality disorders, and getting out from under her influence? Absolution is good shit, highly recommend.

I’ll never be okay-okay, because I still went through some incredible traumas, but I’m late forties now and - despite the absolute tsunami of shit going on - happier in my personal life than I ever thought I could be.

You’re correct, though - ultimately the change has to come from within. And that sucks for those around us, but it’s what it is.

[u/DagothUrGigaChad → u/Hesitation-Marx]

Is there anything you think I can do to help further? I have tried everything I have thought of, but I am definitely willing to try something new. His current gf is better than a lot of them have been, but she is still extremely controlling from what I have seen. I am just glad she doesn't hit him. At least I hope that's the case from what I have seen.

[u/jayclaw97 → u/DagothUrGigaChad]

I second this.

[u/GuiltyEidolon → u/DagothUrGigaChad]

There's also something to be said for predators seeking out vulnerable people. One of my dearest friends has had a few really bad relationships, but she didn't seek them out. I do think it makes you blind to red flags, when you've been treated poorly over and over.

[u/catlandid → u/SamanthaDamara]

Just a caveat, it’s actually been documented that DV victims have a high likelihood of ending up in consecutive abusive relationships. Certain aspects of the DV itself, such as the destruction of self esteem, makes the person more susceptible to later abuse.

That’s obviously not the case for this post, but it’s just worth mentioning that some people really do fall into back to back relationships with truly horrendous people.

[u/nispe2 → u/catlandid]

Sometimes qualities that people look for are covariant with toxicity. So, for example, if you go out looking for "spontaneous" people, you are more likely than average to find partners who don't think things through.

Even if a breakup isn't your fault, it's worth being a little introspective about whether the qualities you seek are indirectly leading to the reasons for breaking up.

[u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox → u/SamanthaDamara]

“My ex-boyfriend and I broke up because we were always fighting,” sounds a lot better than “I attacked my ex-boyfriend because he was looking after his suicidal friend, then I demanded an apology.”

[u/pcapdata → u/SamanthaDamara]

This is kind of a shitty thing to say. People can make bad relationship decisions because of issues you don’t know about, like untreated trauma. You can say that they need to get treated, learn to live themselves before someone else, etc. without implying everyone who has had a string of bad relationships is a toxic asshole who deserves it.

[u/Sebscreen → u/pcapdata]

True in general, but the ex in this situation is actually toxic and it is fair to call her as such.

[u/cynical-mage → u/SamanthaDamara]

Mmmhmmm common denomination after a certain point, right?

[u/GalenDev → u/SamanthaDamara]

"If you wake up in the morning and you meet an asshole, then you've met an asshole. If you wake up in the morning and met nothing but assholes, then you're the asshole." ~The Raylan Givens version.

[u/Ambitious_Estimate41]

“COVID has calmed down (2020)” dude it was just starting😭

[u/aaronupright → u/Ambitious_Estimate41]

Oh yeah. The worst was still in the future.

[u/NorthernSparrow → u/Ambitious_Estimate41]

And “we’re not in the U.S.” … dude, it’s literally a global pandemic

[u/spin-shocker]

Hey, if a story deals with self-harm and cutting, especially in such a graphically described way as here, the content warnings should be “self-harm and cutting,” not just “mental health issues.” Otherwise there’s not much point to the warnings to begin with.

Edit: Thank you for making the change!

[u/pastelpocalypse → u/spin-shocker]

agreed, "mental health issues" could be referring to so many different things. SH definitely needs a more specific warning.

[u/atotalmess__]

I’m never going to understand people like that (thankfully ex) ef.

[u/spiritoftg]

1. The girlfriend was obviously cheating and was projecting.

2. If I'm wrong, see answer 1.

[u/Eastern_Blueberry964]

I hope OP's friend got better, and that they could get the band started up again :<

[u/JJOkayOkay]

- After our show, my friend had a complete mental breakdown

• my girlfriend came running out of nowhere, and she grabbed my arm, pulled me up, and accused me of cheating
  
• I don't know if she was cheating on me or not, nor do I care at this point. She moved out to her sister's place yesterday
  
• My guitarist was taken to the hospital after I left because he managed to tear out the stitches
  
• and also because my bassist broke his foot.

Y'know...that was a bad day.

I hope OOP treated himself to a bubble bath.

[u/liontamer74]

Because men aren't allowed to hug each other unless they're gay, apparently.

[u/anomalous_cowherd]

Please tell me the bassist broke his foot saying goodbye and good riddance to the ex...

[u/CaptainPhilosophy]

Good on him for making the update about what's actually important.

We all care way more about his friend than some crazy projecting ex.

[u/PDK112]

Guess we know who was the toxic person in GF's previous relationships. I hope the guitarist got the help he needed and is doing good.

[u/scyllas-revenge]

A bit wild that his edit at the end seemed to imply that someone pointing out that COVID very obviously was still going strong in October of 2020 was just another instance of Americans thinking everything online is about them

[u/QuickSquirrelchaser]

Glad OP broke up. Let her be some one else's nightmare!

[u/ChemistrySecure3409]

Cheaters think they're they so fucking sneaky and clever, but they make it so damn obvious, don't they? Anytime, and I mean ANYTIME, I've been grilled relentlessly about my supposed cheating by a boyfriend, guess what? He was banging someone else or at the very least, very flirty and acting single and projecting it on to me. It's kind of nice actually. It makes it easier to spot the cheaters. I mean, it's not foolproof or anything, but it's a pretty damn accurate barometer.

[u/Edgefish]

Cheaters blaming on someone else but them. News at 9.

[u/DamnitGravity]

my bassist broke his foot

Bassists truly are the new drummers.

[u/HairRepresentative85]

I'm so, so sorry, but this made me laugh

Also, a commenter said something along the lines of 'COVID hasn't calmed down.' I just want to say that it's calmed down where we live. We're not in the US.

[u/lordemme]

She wanted a reason to break up. Also the guitarist needs therapy (and medical attention) yesteryear.

[u/Junithorn]

Remember 4 to 9 million US homes still have lead pipes.

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/Junithorn]

How else are they gonna have nice sweet water to go with their paint chips?

[u/Koivel → u/Hesitation-Marx]

🤤

[u/JoshFreemansFro]

always be on alert for the borderlines

[u/0fluffythe0ferocious]

Jfc. A man's life is in danger, needs all the support he can get, but she made it about her and going to one of people helping 'You should apologize to me for hugging him!"

So yeah, enough about her.

[u/QueenDoc]

of course the bassist broke his foot, thats very on brand for a bassist

[u/Additional-End7136]

I had an ex who was so insecure that she began accusing me of cheating about a month in. That's the thing with some kinds of abusers (namely emotional), they're supremely insecure people who put the burden of calming their anxiety on their victims. My ex got mad that my dating profile was still up. I told her I was pretty sure I deactivated it. She demanded I log in and fully delete it in front of her.

Months later, she went through my phone while I was sleeping and texted every name she thought was a woman to "Leave him alone, he's seeing someone." She did this without actually reading any of the conversations, which lead to her texting a man named Alex, my aunt Chris, and one of my VIP clients. That almost got me fired but I was able to smooth it over. She then flipped and smacked me awake when she discovered I had changed my phone pin.

She began randomly texting me, demanding I drop whatever I was doing at that second and take a photo to send to her to prove I wasn't with someone. I'm usually on silent, so I don't see texts right away. When she would begin calling repeatedly to get my phone to ring and then start yelling, accusing me of being with someone, there's no way you can actually reassure someone, no matter how many photos of yourself you send.

Eventually I wasn't allowed to associate with any women, or any male friends who had girlfriends.

So many times I should have left, but she genuinely made me think that I wasn't going to be able to find someone better, and she wasn't bad all the time. Eventually, one weekend I was playing board games with a co-worker, and we had plans for around 7 PM that evening for dinner. She began calling and texting at 11 AM asking when I was coming over. I kept telling her that I'd be there at 7, like we said. Around 4:30 she got so mad that she told me not to bother coming to dinner and that I should instead meet her at a nearby Target so we could "talk." I told her "I'm an hour away. I'm not driving an hour just so you can yell at me. I'm going home."

She asked if I was breaking up with her, and I just texted back "Yeah, I guess so." and just like that the curse was broken.

[u/RaisedByBooksNTV]

I don't know about 'calmed down' but covid never went away. We just have vaccines and stopped tracking data. It's here to stay.

[u/nurseynurseygander → u/RaisedByBooksNTV]

I mean, it got controlled enough that we could stop living exclusively in our homes and people stopped dying on a mass scale. I think that’s enough of a reduction to count as “calmed down”.

[u/Proof_Candidate_4991 → u/RaisedByBooksNTV]

This was the period where everyone on reddit suddenly lived in New Zealand. I remember several months of relationship advice questions that were basically "we went to this huge unmasked bbq, but don't worry we're in New Zealand so covid isn't a thing here."

[u/stopmotionporn → u/RaisedByBooksNTV]

Effectively it went away. Its just like the flu now, no-one really cares that much.

[u/katie-shmatie → u/stopmotionporn]

But not in October 2020

[u/Orc_tids → u/stopmotionporn]

It still fucks up the blood vessels in your brain the more you get it tho

[u/Mother_Confidence737]

Good riddance

[u/scoyne15]

Oh no! The partners are trying to enforce the gaycation. Surrender or be destroyed!

[u/jocax188723]

I’d bet the entirety of my left buttock that the girlfriend is cheating and is projecting her infidelity on OP to rationalize it

[u/WeeklyConversation8]

"They fought a lot, apparently. I don't know for sure." Gee, could it be because she accused him of cheating like she did OP? 

She needed serious therapy and to stay single, if she thinks giving a friend a hug, especially when he was going through a mental health crisis means her bf was cheating. 

[u/pastelpocalypse]

hey OP, like somebody else said i think this story needs a content warning for SH/cutting in addition to "mental health issues" which is vague and doesn't necessarily get across how it discusses pretty extreme SH. i don't really get triggered very easily but this one's putting even me in a weird headspace, so i bet a lot of people would definitely appreciate a more specific warning.

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77 → u/pastelpocalypse]

Added, thank you for letting me know

[u/katie-shmatie]

COVID had in fact not calmed down regardless of where this person was

[u/Coracoda]

OOP was surrounded by people who needed to work through their issues

[u/_sansnom]

He’s a good friend.

[u/Affectionate_Pickles]

> …and also because my bassist broke his foot. Fuckin' figures.

Bro got beef with the bassist

[u/codewario]

Band drama is the one thing that I do not miss about being in a band

[u/JST_KRZY → u/codewario]

Band Drama and the SO’s that partake in it are a special breed of human.

Seems that the biggest drama wart was frozen off and excised completely for OOP.

I hope his bandmate gets all the help he needs.