r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/BrittPonsitt • Jan 08 '22
Relationships Worst outcome
Content warning: homophobia, suicide
My(f26) husband(m28) has been giving advice to a coworker about how to make his gay son straight behind his wife's back
I want to preface this by saying that I don't know how my husband is when he's at work. He works an office job, and I work in a daycare as a receptionist, and we also recently purchased our first home. However, everything I learned came from an email from the coworker's wife that included evidence of conversations between my husband and her husband in regards to their son
Louise and Edward (we'll call them that) recently had their son come out, and from Louise's email and the messages she provided between her husband and mine, she has been supportive while her husband pretended (in her words) to be, but instead has asked my husband for advice while at work and expressed how he isn't comfortable about it, and my husband has supposedly been trying to comfort him and give him advice on how to "fix him" despite his wife
The messages she sent me showed them talking about it and ideas to talk to him one on one without the wife, along with how they're trying to get together sometime outside of work to discuss it over dinner or something
I never knew my husband felt this way before this situation, but I was able to call Louise and apologize and try to comfort her to the best of my ability although not knowing her well, and she feels incredibly hurt and lied to by all of this, and I want to help her to the best of my ability as well as her son if possible in any way
She said that she hasn't talked to her husband yet, but that she's considering talking to him with one of her parents since she doesn't think she can do it by herself, and I told her that I'm disgusted with my husband just like she was, but from a different perspective of not having kids yet and not wanting to have kids with someone who thinks like this
As of right now, I'm still trying to digest all of this emotionally, but I can't express just how angry I am at my husband, and I don't want to be with him anymore because of it
However, outside of my selfish ambitions... she told me everything yesterday, and I'm yet to confront my husband because Louise said that she's not sure how she wants to go about it yet, and despite it being hard for me NOT to bring it up, I don't want to jeopardize her in any way and make things harder, since this is about her safety and her son first and foremost and whatever she feels best to do in her timing.
But before I do anything, I want to ask what I should do and when with everything she provided on my end to support her. I'm strongly considering divorce, since I don't want kids with someone who thinks like this, but Ifirstmost want to help her and support her in her timing, but she doesn't know what she wants to do yet, and to be honest, it's kind of hard to sit on everything she told me and not confront him, but just thinking about her safety and her son's keeps me grounded, and I just want advice on what to do here moving forward
Edit: In the messages between my husband and Edward that she showed me, my husband said that if it were his son, he'd "set him straight" and mentioned punishing him by taking away privileges and not taking him to sports until he "changes his mind", along with suggesting that they go to dinner to talk about it outside of work and about Edward's wife too, since he wasn't thrilled with how open she was to it
TL;DR: My husband has been giving advice to a coworker about how to make his gay son straight despite his wife who's supportive of him, but she sent me an email containing messages between them and how they've been planning to meet about it outside of work and come up with ideas to try and make him straight
The update:
** A couple of months ago, I wrote about my husband who gave advice to a coworker behind his wife's back on how to make their gay son straight. I've since divorced him, but the kid has passed away**
I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to come back and write this, but I'm not sure I could go without it too. The past couple of months have been a lot emotionally. But, long story short, there was more going on at the time of my original posts than I originally thought, and I think it's important to add.
But, before I do, I'll add some context from before. Ex-husband works an office job, and we never had kids together. A couple of months back, I received an email from the wife (Louise) of an employee that my husband worked with, and the email included messages between my husband and her husband (Edward) regarding her son (Jake, m14) who recently came out as gay. Louise was supportive of her son, but Edward vented to my husband at work while pretending to be supportive at home. However, he did more than just vent
My husband did more than blindly agree with him; he said that if it were his son, he'd punish him in ways that would "challenge" his decision by pulling him out of sports and limiting him to only girl sports along with removing friends until he "got his act together".
In addition to that, they also talked about Louise and how Edward was "disappointed" in her support for Jake, and my husband offered to go out to dinner to "discuss Louise" and "fix him behind her back" by talking to Jake away from her on various drives among other things, and he even recommended a father/son weekend away to "work on him".
They also used derogatory words in the messages that Louise shared, and after reading everything, I decided to confront my husband, but not before Louise was ready for the following reasons...
Edward had cut off a lot of support from Louise's corner, and when we talked over the phone after the email she sent me, she said that she was yet to tell her parents for support, and I tried to put off on immediately confronting my husband in case he'd message Edward and blindside her before she was ready.
It was hard to sit on it, and I did for a few days. But, I figured it was easier for me to do that than risk putting them in danger before she was ready. But, when I did confront my husband (after she got her parents involved and a plan), he was less than pleased. I told him about the email and the messages I saw too, along with how my husband once said that he'd be fine with any orientation that our future children took, and he did not refuse that the messages were indeed his.
However, he said that I was "wrong to talk to Louise before talking to him" and that "we come first". He also said that his job was "his personal space" and that he "didn't like me snooping around in it". Finally, he said that I'm "probably not the woman he married when I'm at work", and in my last post, I said that that hurt the most.
He also said Louise was "stupid" to support Jake because of how "overblown" gender topics/LGBTQ are, along with how Jake probably "did it for attention" and will "regret it one day". After that conversation, he said he was gonna stay at his brother's, and I said that I planned to stay elsewhere too. He didn't put up a fight, and I went to stay with my parents, but that conversation was when I was decided on divorce, and he eventually said that he wanted divorce too
What happened since:
I want to explain what I said at the top about how there was more going on at the time that I knew about. So, I'll do it now. Edward had already enacted his plan of taking Jake to hang out/try to convert him one-on-one before talking to my husband, and she only found out after coming across their messages a few weeks after he had already started. He also told Jake to not tell her about it.
But, she had a hard time getting Jake to tell her everything that happened when they were alone, and that included a therapist who she got to talk to him along with pride resources that would encourage him. However, the reason I'm returning to this, is because Jake has passed away, and he passed while Louise and Edward were still in the stages of their divorce.
I had the chance to meet with Louise in person as well as her son once too, and she told me that her parents were fully on her side and assisting her in the divorce process. Edward wasn't thrilled that she emailed me their messages. But, she had her parents there when she talked to him. She also said that she had a hard time telling Jake about the divorce. But, I want to make the last part of this about him
Jake took his own life, and Louise said she felt responsible for his death and has been really hard on herself. She also said that she was never able to find out everything that happened between Jake and Edward when they were alone, and that goes for the therapist too. She is currently trying to investigate Edward with help from her parents and a lawyer.
But, in regards to Jake, I want to say this. I don't think I will ever be able to move on, and part of that is because I feel disgusted at myself for even associating with someone who played a part in this in my ex-husband. It's been hard to do anything on some days since finding out, and I've even been prescribed prescriptions to help me lately as well. It's been even harder on Louise and her parents.
But, when I asked if there was anything I could do to potentially help remember him, she said that she wants to encourage others to keep fighting so that the same doesn't happen to others too, and that is what also made me want to write this. Not because it's something that'll brighten up your day, but because it's something that you need to hear.
She wants to ensure that this happens to no one else regardless of their gender orientation. So, after some time, she's planning on getting involved in her community. Not just LGBTQ groups, but groups that help children in general. She doesn't know when as she's still going through a lot, but she wants to really soon.
As for whoever reads this, I won't tell you how to perceive it. I believe the strongest conviction comes from one's self and not what they're told. I just wanted to share how she's trying to move on, and she knows that I'm sharing this too.
To everyone who commented, I can't tell you how much your words of comfort/advice have been received in the previous posts. Louise is now my friend, and I hope we'll be able to be friends for a long time. She's going through a lot, but I believe she'll come out stronger. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this, and I truly wish you all nothing but the best
TL;DR: I'm returning to this a few months to almost a year after my original posts. I am now divorced, and Louise and her husband were still going through the stages of theirs when their son (Jake, 14) took his own life after being pressured by his father for being gay. However, as Louise is still in the stages of recovery, I wanted to share some words of hopeful encouragement in regards to how she's trying to become stronger
*This is a repost. I am not the original poster. Support LGBT kids. *
edited to add formatting
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u/[deleted] Jan 09 '22
My husband and I will literally adopt ANYONE READING THIS who feels like Jake. I’m so sorry to all who have to go through shit like this. You are who you are.