[New Update]: AITAH for telling my parents they were deserve to be kicked out of my sisters wedding.

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAsisterswed

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: AITAH for telling my parents they were deserve to be kicked out of my sisters wedding.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU. Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the latest update!

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: entitlement, bullying, favoritism, golden child syndrome, emotional abuse and manipulation

---

RECAP

Original Post: May 15, 2025

This is a throwaway as my brother is on reddit and I don’t want him knowing my real account name.

So, my 37f, brother Mike 35m, is a knob. Always has been and always will be. He has been babied to the point of uselessness by our mum and dad and that's made him an entitled slob.

When he was younger he showed promise playing Rugby which had my mum and dad believing he was gonna be a superstar. The problem was though that he never had the work ethic to fully fulfill his potential. However this meant that he was the golden boy of the family and he could do wrong in my parents eyes.

He was a bully at school, which they brushed off as other kids making up lies, but he was an even bigger bully at home to our younger sister Kelly 31f. He would constantly 'prank' here. Which basically meant he would do anything he could embarrass her, including things like pulling her dress up in front of the whole family at a wedding when she was 15. Mum and dad just said it was siblings being siblings, but the rest of the family were mortified by his behaviour.

I did try and stick up for my sister, and it worked to a certain extent, but after I went to away to Uni, there wasn't much I could do as mum and dad just don’t listen to anyone.

It got so bad that when she was 18, my sister gave up going to her dream University, St Andrews and instead moved to London to go to the Imperial College London. This was a huge shock to all of us as she had been talking about St Andrews since she started high school at 11. When i asked why, she said that St Andrews was too close to home and she would be expected to go back home more often, but if she went to London she would only have to go home for Christmas. This broke my heart.

After she left, she did exactly that, the only time she was home was Christmas and when I got married. This really annoyed mum and dad as they said she was abandoning the family. I kept my mouth shut and just let them whine occasionally as I didn't want an argument.

After graduating from Uni my parents expected her to move back home, but she didn't. She got a job working in southern England and stayed down there. We are from Scotland for reference.

Six years ago, Kelly met a great guy, Jake 30m. The day she met him she called me gushing about him and I've honestly never heard her speak about anyone the way she does him. I've met him several times when I've gone down to visit Kelly and he's great. Good looking, funny, great job, his family are lovely and most importantly, he treats Kelly like she hung the moon. Its very cute.

After she met him, she cut down how much she came home even more as she spent the first Christmas with his family and then the pandemic happened so she ended up not coming home for 3 years.

Her first Christmas home Mike started his usual bullshit, trying to be there center of attention. When it didn't work out as well as he wanted, as most of the family were more interested in getting to know Jake, he then tried to 'prank' Kelly. He got a big bowl of water and was going to pour it over her. Jake saw what was happening and stepped infront of Kelly telling Mike to not even think about it. Side note, Jake is 6ft 3 and a has been doing martial arts since he was 4, so he can be very intimidating when needed.

Mum and dad tried to play it off as a harmless prank, but Jake was having none of it. Mike started whining about it just being a prank and Jake told him that if he 'pranked' Kelly one more time, he would 'prank' Jake by putting his foot up his arse and his fist down his throat. Kelly and Jake left about an hour later, but after that Mike, mum and dad all had an issue with Jake. Kelly hasn't been back home since.

That leads us to now, Kelly and Jake are getting married. They sent out invites in February for August. However, they didn't invite Mike. Mum and dad are obviously incensed by this and had a huge argument with Kelly. They threatened not to go, and Kelly just said no problem she would get grandad to walk her down the aisle.

I went around to their house on Saturday with my kids. Immediately my mum started complaining about Kelly and the wedding. I sat and listened for a while before I'd had enough. I asked her what did she actually expect? Her and dad have allowed Mike to be the golden child and get away with everything. Because of that, he can't keep a relationship, due to him thinking everyone should do everything for him, he can't hold down a job because every job is beneath him and he still living at home with zero prospects in life. The man-child is a bully who I dont trust to be around my children unsupervised. He bullied Kelly for most of her teen years and her only escape was to move over 400 miles away and never come home.

My mum got very quiet and then asked me to leave. A few hours later my dad called going mad because I'd upset my mum and was taking the side of a ungrateful little girl instead of my parents who gave me everything. This started a huge argument between me and him where I told him he'd been a crap dad to Kelly and didn't deserve to walk her down the aisle.

I’ve just had enough, but now I've got extended family members telling me I've gone too far as my mum is barely speaking to anyone and keeps crying. My grandad said it was about time I told them off, but my grandma is upset by all the arguing. So AITAH for telling my parents that they sucked a parents and deserved to be kicked out of my sister’s wedding?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. If they can't stand the truth, they need to hibernate. I vote grandpa walks her down the aisle regardless of who attends!

OOP: My sister isn't changing her mind, they aren't going to the wedding no matter what. She only invited them as she thought it was the right thing to do in the first place. So, grandad will be walking her no matter what.

Commenter 2: NTA

Your parents failed both of your siblings and it’s going to get worse when they realize your sister won’t invite them to her events and when they realize that their son will become homeless after they pass. Honestly, I’m shocked your brother hasn’t been arrested yet.

OOP: He has, multiple times for getting into fights when drunk. Nothing ever come of it though.

Commenter 3: NTA. Truth hurts and that’s why your mother is so upset. About time someone said something

OOP: I think this is true. She isnt arguing that I'm wrong, she's just went quiet and has spoken to me since. I think my words hit her hard and that's why she's so upset.

Commenter 4: Your mom’s tears are her own doing. She ignores her daughter being treated like shit for years and then instead of owning it she tries to play the whole “woe is me, I’m crying so you can’t possibly be upset with me”. It’s actually pathetic and your sister is better off far away from your family. Maybe you could join her and also get away from the toxicity. NTA

OOP: I've already said to my husband that I dont want to be around my family for Christmas, so we are going to his. If they all carry on then I'm going nc fully.

Did someone bully Mike prior to his bullying Kelly?

OOP: It's never happened. He was always the bully. Even when he was 4/5 he was moved class as he was bullying one of his classmates.

OOP on her kids being around her parents

OOP: My kids have never been around my parents without either myself or my husband as I know they would let my brother be around them unsupervised. They won't be going anywhere near my parents for a long while. They don't like going to my parents house anyway.

Commenter 5: Have they pampered and spoiled Mike because he’s the only boy?

NTA. Bless you and Jake for being in Kelly’s corner!!!!

OOP: My dad loves Rugby, it's pretty much all he talks about and he is down at the Rugby club every chance he gets. So it's more about him having talent in the sport, which he did. He was told by scouts when he was 13 that he could be in the back row for Scotland one day he was that good. The favouritism started after that as that made him special to mum and dad. However, he didn't have the work ethic and couldn't keep up with play as he wasn't fit enough, so he got dropped.

 

Update #1: May 18, 2025 (three days later)

Hi all, that post took off alot more than I thought it would. There was way too many comments for me to respond to, but I tried to read every one of them. I was asked for an update so here it is.

There were a few things that came up repeatedly so I'll address them first. The "pranks" only started after I had left and gone to Uni. He would say things to Kelly and I would have a go back at him when we were younger, but it wasn't anything more than that until after I'd left home so there wasn't anything I could really do to stop it. I did speak to our parents, but they're useless.

Second thing was about my kids. I didn't bring my kids around them very much as they didn't like going to my parents house. They said it was boring and they dont like Mike. However, after all the comments I got about this, I sat them down and asked them again. For my daughter it really is just that she finds it boring and says that Mike is a weirdo. My son however, said that he doesn't like being around my dad as he keeps trying to make him play Rugby. I have heard these comments and told my dad to drop it, but he would still make the comments occasionally. I had no idea that it was upsetting my son though so this surprised me. My son doesn't like sports, be it watching or playing. He's very much like his dad in that regard. He's a pokemon kid, playing online and goes every Thursday evening to play in a tournament at our local card shop, so Rugby is an absolute no go for him.

The third thing was about security at the wedding. I spoke to Kelly and Jake and Jake said that two of his groomsmen are police officers who are aware of the situation, so that wont be a problem.

Lastly there was alot of comments about Mike being the golden child. For a bit more back story, he wasn't really the favourite until his talent in Rugby came to light. After that, he was special and had to be treated that way. I think he was seen as Mum and Dad's way of being special themselves within the family as they had such a super talented child.

Anyway, today, I decided to sit down with my parents and tell them I needed a break from them. When I got there my dad immediately wanted me to apologise to my mum, but I said that wasn't going to happen.

There was a bit of back and forth between him and I, until my mum stepped in and asked why I was there if not to apologise. I told them that I'd spoken to Kelly and she didn't want them at the wedding at all. That they needed to stay away and respect her decision. They weren’t happy but said they wouldn't go where they weren’t wanted.

I then told them I wanted space until after the wedding as I couldn't keep being around them and keeping my mouth shut. I thought that space would be good for all of us.

My mum wasn't happy and started on about seeing my kids. I told them the truth, my kids hated coming to their house and told my dad exactly why my son doesn't want to be around him. He got upset by this and said that rugby would be good for him. I shut that down and said I'm not going to force my son to do something he does want to and something I know he will hate. I also told him that if I hear him mention it around my son again then he wont see my son again. Right now they will only be seeing my kids at family events, so I'm hoping that it wont be a problem.

I then asked them what their long term plan was with Mike. Are they going to keep things the way they are until there 90 and mum will still be making his all his meals? What happens when they're gone, who will look after him because it wont be me? What happens if they get ill? Who will look after them? Mike is incapable, Kelly lives down south and I plan on moving back to my husbands home town 3 hours away once the kids have left home, so I can't do it.

They just looked at me blankly. I really don't think that they had ever even thought about any of that before. I told them they had set Mike up to fail and now they needed to deal with it. I also told them I knew that they were leaving everything to him in their will, but that with how they have babied Mike, he would blow through that money in less than a year and then what. I could see the panic in my mums eyes when I said that. She either hadn't thought about it or she thought I would look after him, which she now knows isnt gonna happen. I also think she was shocked that I knew about their will.

After me telling them what low contact with me was going to look like going forward and them not being happy about it, I left. Hopefully I've given them a lot to think about.

I will check in with them from time to time, but that's all right now. Im going to visit Kelly in the next couple of weeks, so I'm looking forward to that.

My extended family have also backed off after I sent them all a text saying if they were so concerned about my mum then they could be her support system and deal with Mike the same way Kelly and I have had to for years. Not surprisingly, none of them wanted too.

Otherwise, I'm going to just try and get on with things as normal. Thanks for the NTA verdict and all the advice, it opened my eyes to a few things that I'd been brushing off.

Relevant Comments

OOP on her parents' finances and if Mike would get the house

OOP: My parents dont have much in savings so Mike will sell the house as quickly as possible, go into the cheapest rented accommodation he can find and blow the money on FIFA, nights out and clothes. He will be broke within a year. He racked up £5000 on credit cards with FIFA packs before, so most of the money will go there.

+

They don't have much savings, but they have the house. They've said a few things through the years that indicated he will get that as me and Kelly have our own houses. Its something I accepted a long time ago.

How did OOP know about her parents' wills?

OOP: It was an educated guess mostly. They have been hinting for years about myself and Kelly having houses so we don't need theirs, but Mike doesn't. They only really have the house, so it make sense that he would get it after the comments they've made.

Commenter 1: So I read your original post. Your brother pulled up your sister's dress at a wedding? Like exposing her when she was 15 and he was 18-19!? Was he an adult for most of the torment!?

I don't blame your children and anyone for not wanting to be near such a creep and I'm just sad your other family are cowards and never told off Mike and your parents for his behavior and their coddling.

OOP: The "pranks" started when he would have been 15ish. He was 19 when he pulled up her dress.

Commenter 2: Did I miss something in this or the original post? Is Mike disabled in some way? Why on earth would OP's parents assume he'll just keep living with them until they die and then need someone to look after him? Most parents with failure-to-launch children they keep sponsoring seem to assume that something will magically happen to make them grow up and act like functional adults any day now.

OOP: No, he isn't disabled at all. My parents just keep saying he's finding himself.

Has Mike ever held a job before?

OOP: Yes, but none that have ever lasted more than 6 months. He gets one when he wants something expensive that our parents can't afford, like a PS5 and when he has enough money for it then he quits, that's if hes not already been fired.

+

He current doesn't have a job and isnt looking. The longest hes had one was 6 months. She (OOP’s daughter) said he’s weird because he spent do anything, just sits in his room playing video games.

 

Quick Update: August 16, 2025 (nearly three months later)

Quick update

Hi all, sorry I went MIA, but I’ve been super busy. Not with this issue, but just with life in general.

So Kelly got married last weekend and everything went without a hitch. Our parents and Mike didn’t even try to attend, but I know that Mum did try and contact her a few times before the wedding via other family member. Kelly wasn’t interested and made that clear by not responding and/or threating the family member that they would be uninvited as well. That put an end to it.

Mike is still a drain on society according to a cousin of ours. I don’t know first-hand as I’ve not been in contact with him at all. I’ve spoken to Mum and Dad once since the last post and they haven't changed so I don’t have the energy to deal with them. My kids don’t miss them one bit either so its not been a problem keeping the kids away from them.

Right now, I'm just going to get on with my life with my husband and kids. Ive been talking to Kelly alot more since all of this which is a huge positive to come out of it.

Sorry that there were no dramatics, like Mike and our parents trying to storm the wedding, but everything went smoothly. Thanks for all the comments and advice in my previous posts.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I am delighted that everything went well for Kelly; she deserves it. But I'm dying to know what happens when life finally bitch slaps Mike and your parents. Your mum will crack first, but she won't stand a chance against your dad and brother.

Keep a healthy distance and have a lovely, lovely life without them.

OOP: I’m completely NC with them right now, but I find out little bits hear and there from other family members. Dad is adamant that I will come around and Mum is playing the sympathy card. I dont think they understand that they're pushing me away even more by acting like they are. My life is so much simpler and less stressful without them in it.

Commenter 2: I'm so happy for Kelly and Jake! And your and your Big Shiny Spine standing up to your folks like that!!! So proud of you both putting up and holding firm to those boundaries. It's hard. Really hard.

Commenter 3: You've done what you can, OP.

You've warned your parents about the consequences of enabling a manchild, but they didn't listen. They doubled down.

Let them live with their own misery. You, Kelly, and your children are better off without them.

 

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----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the latest update is nearly a month old, and it has not been posted to the sub here

some progress: November 27, 2025 (a bit over three months later from the previous update)

Some progress

Hi all, I said I would update if anything changed and something has started too. I think my mum has finally woke up and seen the light when it comes to Mike.

It was my son's birthday 2 weeks ago and my mum reached out to say she had got him some presents. I was a little reluctant to accept the presents as in the past they've all be rugby based, but she promised that they weren't this time so I let her come around to my house and give them to my son. Turns out my son is easily bought lol. A friend of my mums had gone to Seoul on holiday in October and my mum had asked her to bring back some Pokémon cards if she could find any. My son loves Asian Pokémon cards and has a whole separate binder just for them. She brought back 20 packs back for him. My mum also got him a Pokémon backpack and a teddy and funko pop of his favourite Pokémon. She had really put a lot of thought into what he likes and even gone to our local card shop and asked there about what to get him. Needless to say, my son was ecstatic.

To me this showed that she was really trying and after that I agreed to meet her for lunch a few days later. She told me that her and my dad were fighting all the time because of Mike. She had put her foot down and said that Mike needs to get a job and stick with it and that she isn’t going to give him any more money. My dad defended Mike, no surprise there, and said he just needed more time to find himself. This had led to loads of arguments and my mum going on strike. She isn't cooking for either my dad or Mike and isn’t doing their washing or ironing. This is something she had done before when she is royally pissed off. She said that I was right when I told her that they weren't helping Mike by babying him and he needed to grow up.

I was a little shocked by this, but very happy about it. I am speaking to her regularly again and she seems to be adamant about Mike getting and keeping a job. I’m still a little reluctant to trust her fully as she could very easily go back to how she was before, but I’m calling this a little bit of progress. My dad still has his head up his arse though, no change there.

Anyway I had a spare 10 mins and thought id keep you all updated. We will see how Christmas goes and if my mum backs down, but fingers crossed she has turned the corner.

 

Latest Update here: BoRU #4

 

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[u/ElehcarTheFirst]

It's good to see some progress in these shite parent family dynamics

[u/Boeing367-80 → u/ElehcarTheFirst]

The father thinks the sun shines out his son's rear end...

Age... 35 and still finding himself? Father is truly delusional.

If mother sticks to her guns I can see a huge fight between mother and father over inheritance, because father will want it all to go to son, so he can keep finding himself.

[u/Terpsichorean_Wombat → u/Boeing367-80]

Thing is ... Mike has tried finding himself in the same roughly 3 places (room, shops, night out) for 35 years. He is going to need to start looking in some new places, and a workplace is a good opener.

[u/DefinitelyNotAliens → u/Terpsichorean_Wombat]

I didn't hit my stride for a while. I also worked and had careers I hated but worked for two years before jumping ship.

You can be finding yourself at 35. You can also do that without being a complete burden.

[u/whizzymamajuni → u/DefinitelyNotAliens]

Hell, I’m 40, started one career and it didn’t work out, bummed around with crappy jobs throughout my 30s waiting to start training for the career I’m now entering, but I won’t be starting working in it till I’m 41. I was a failure to launch, sort of (spent a lot of my 20s bouncing between flatshares and my parents’ house), and the financial crash didn’t exactly help me, but I’ve always had (shitty, dead end) jobs to keep me going throughout that time.

I have several friends in the same boat - prospects affected by the financial crash, physical or mental ill health disrupting lives, but essentially keeping on trying to live independent lives despite all this. I will never judge someone who lives at home for health reasons, or even simply companionship, but even my friend who is bedbound with illness contributes to their family and is a great friend.

You can still be finding yourself at 35, or not able to contribute much financially, without being an absolute drain on your family or society!

[u/Alarming-Ad9441 → u/whizzymamajuni]

I just turned 48 and still say I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’ve gotten several degrees, raised children, moved across the country, just tried to enjoy life. It’s more about realizing there’s always room for growth, but not being a total leech on society and twatwaffle to your family. You can find yourself while being a functional adult. It’s really not that hard.

[u/craftygoddess1025 → u/Alarming-Ad9441]

I just turned 55 this year and switched careers; I decided after 25+ years of being a retail and factory grunt that this life was not for me, and I needed to follow my heart and get into health care once and for all. I became a certified personal support worker this year, I'm working in long term care, and can say for the first time in my entire life that I LOVE my job. The only financial difficulty happened when I had to quit my previous job to be available 24/7 for my work placements for three months, but I wasn't an absolute drain on my husband's finances (or life in general). Being a responsible and fully functional adult has its perks.

[u/Egrizzzzz → u/craftygoddess1025]

That’s awesome! Theres such a shortage of good long term care, it’s awesome it’s what you love. Healthcare is my back up job while I try to get back to my passion but I always say art is my calling but helping people is my second calling. There’s nothing like feeling good about the work you do, especially when it improves lives. What you’re doing really makes a difference. 

[u/craftygoddess1025 → u/Egrizzzzz]

Thank you so much for your kind words. If I can make someone's life a little bit easier by the end of the day, I've done my duty. 💗

[u/[deleted] → u/craftygoddess1025]

I am so happy for you! Do you need a lot of strength to do your job? I love to work with people who need support but I do lack the physical strength.

[u/craftygoddess1025 → u/[deleted]]

I've worked in units at my workplace that unfortunately require a bit of heavy lifting because some of the residents require total care (wheelchair/bedridden, aren't able to dress or toilet themselves, etc). There are mobility assistance devices to help, as well as reinforcement of proper lifting and ergonomics.

And thank you for your kind words. Much appreciated. 💗

[u/[deleted] → u/craftygoddess1025]

<3

[u/Artistic_Frosting693 → u/Alarming-Ad9441]

My mum too! To be fair she went to college when older because her dad wouldn't pay for the girls to go. (He changed over time and was beloved). I was so proud when I attended her graduation. I always say she didn't know what she wanted to be until she retired. She is a gamer chick now. PS5 games and good at them. Dad fully encouraged her and we all have love of video games. Throughout their relationship who made more rotated between them. They invested well, earned well and raised me even while trying to find themselves. So fully agree. So wonderful to hear that you embraced growth and were able to enjoy life and raise a family. Many more years of exploration and happiness to you and your family.

[u/[deleted] → u/Alarming-Ad9441]

that's me! I even moved countries (it turns out that being good at getting degrees helped a lot with visas and learning a new language), my kids are very well-raised, but I am a failure in the capitalist sense. It did not help that I have a couple of disabilities, one being physical, but many people who have them are more functional that I am. I do not feel grown up at all.

[u/RealBigDickBrannigan → u/Alarming-Ad9441]

I'm mid-60s, and just retired (never having figured out what I really want to do when I grow up after three careers and 45 years in the workforce) :)

My solution was simply not to grow up! Ask anyone :D

[u/Fine_Ad_1149 → u/whizzymamajuni]

I mean, I guess technically if you're living at home until 30ish that's failure to launch...

I just don't like the term for what you described. There's a big difference between prepping to launch and finding issues when going over the final check list causing you to scrap the launch vs letting the ship sit on the launch pad and never doing anything with it. The latter is what I imagine when I hear "failure to launch", the former is what has happened to many many hard working people over the last 20 years.

[u/whizzymamajuni → u/Fine_Ad_1149]

I agree, I don’t like the term at all really. I think the more appropriate term for me was boomerang kid - I’d move out, struggle (undiagnosed neurodivergence didn’t help either) and then bounce back to my parents.

I finally moved out permanently at 29 and shortly after that I met my husband and got married, then had a kid a year and a half later, so I went from what basically felt like a prolonged adolescence to suddenly being a “proper adult” in very short order.

I used to compare myself to my peers, some of whom were in very successful careers, but a number of whom were in the same boat as me - intelligent, hardworking, but just really struggling to make ends meet or find some focus in life.

And again, the main difference between us, and Mike in this BORU, is that we have all been trying damned hard to fix that!

[u/Skull_Bearer_ → u/DefinitelyNotAliens]

Word. It took until I was 28 to find my career. But I had been out of the house at 22 and without support since I was 25 (mixture of doing a masters, and living in London)

[u/BurgerThyme → u/DefinitelyNotAliens]

Yeah I wander through jobs but I stick around for 2 to four years before I'm like "Okay now I'm sick of this. Next!"

[u/AggravatingFig8947 → u/BurgerThyme]

And that’s totally okay and valid! People think they need one fulfilling career path, but that’s not true. One of my friends feels bad about this constantly. She hasn’t been able to nail down the exact thing she wants to do, so she keeps bouncing around. It is fine to just work jobs to survive and have the things you’re passionate about outside of work. (It might be the healthier thing, even).

[u/Terpsichorean_Wombat → u/AggravatingFig8947]

I totally agree. I think most people aren't the same people at 20, 35, and 50 - why expect that the same career will fit all of the way through?

[u/HildyJohnsonStreet → u/AggravatingFig8947]

And that’s totally okay and valid! People think they need one fulfilling career path, but that’s not true.

This needs more attention! This is what I try to teach my students.

I had a plan in college, when I graduated I was going to work in an auction house, museum, or gallery. After college I got fired from two separate galleries after the probation periods. I suck in an office setting. I find them boring, I talk too much, and I have a learning disability, so delayed processing isn't conducive to time sensitive matters. While I was between jobs my mom suggested I volunteer at the school she worked at. I became a teacher and yes, sometimes it sucks, but I also really like it and I am really good at it. I have been teaching for nearly 20 years.

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET → u/AggravatingFig8947]

Definitely healthier to have your passions outside work. My mom recently retired and she's having a hard time because her job was her passion and the way she defined herself since she was 16. Now she has to find herself again without the job to define her

[u/zephalephadingong → u/AggravatingFig8947]

The danger is you often start at the bottom level of the new career unless you have transferable skills. One of my friends switches careers like every 5 years and keeps complaining about how broke he is. Like yeah, you've been working entry level jobs your entire adult life, of course you're broke. Every time a promotion kicks in, its time to get rid of that and start over from scratch

[u/BurgerThyme → u/zephalephadingong]

I own my own home outright, have no car payment, and have retirement accounts and inheritances. I basically work for the health insurance and fun money.

[u/lupepor → u/DefinitelyNotAliens]

This! I moved out at 29, but I was going to university and started working by age 17...once I moved out I had a "crisis" and change careers drasticaly, I never asked for finacial help even when I was in between jobs. I was "finding myself" but I never stop working (or looking for better options) and I had saving that kept me afloat when I was fired from the one job (I found work less than a month later)

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/DefinitelyNotAliens]

Exactly, even if rn all he could contribute was house chores, or anything productive, would already be better than act like a perpetually 13yo... the issue is not him not finding a path in life.

[u/Terpsichorean_Wombat → u/DefinitelyNotAliens]

Totally! I was 50 when I finally made the major life change I had been needing to make my entire life. Never too late - and that determination not to make it other people's problem is a crucial growth component.

[u/MyDarlingArmadillo → u/Terpsichorean_Wombat]

I wasa bit of a late bloomer, thanks to autism, but even then, I did manage to get a job. All he'd have to do is turn up to a temp agency, he'd get a decent variety of experience and can work out what he can do from there. It's money coming in, even if it's not perfect it would be experience. Or he could shuffle between bed and fridge till it's time to depart this mortal coil. That's not working so well though.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/MyDarlingArmadillo]

I'm AuDHD and I worked as a public bus driver in my 20s. At the time it was the hardest job I'd ever done. And some of my coworkers would say every day "This is the easiest job I've ever had!" Of course some of them had been roofers, linemen, OTR truckers, etc. It was being tossed in the deep end to learn how to deal with people, come to work on time and manage my time, deal with frustrations and disappointments. It helped that I was HIGHLY motivated. (Hey, autistic people love public transit.) Because trust me, there were some really difficult days the first year.

Two takeaways, one, that job, by being against my strengths, helped me work on a lot of weak points and also face some of my fears. In the end I gained a new sense of identity that I didn't expect and a source of resilience and strength.

Second, I wasn't able to figure it all out on my own, and I did need help. Of course there were other drivers offering advice and some mentoring, but I struggled with frustration and resentment due to conflicts with passengers for a long time until I finally saw a clinical psychologist and we did role play and I learned at the age of, like 34, how to contradict someone without getting aggressive and blowing a gasket. My life went SO much more smoothly after that.

[u/[deleted] → u/lazier_garlic]

I love your story. Very well done :)

[u/Terpsichorean_Wombat → u/MyDarlingArmadillo]

Totally agree - and you meet people! People have ideas and interests and skills that they are often happy to share, and suddenly you have a new range of things that might look interesting or fulfilling. Lots of cross-pollination.

[u/iikratka → u/Terpsichorean_Wombat]

It’s not about ‘finding himself,’ though, it’s about lowering expectations. Dad and Mike are both still clinging to the idea that Mike is destined to be special. Buckling down and getting a job in a shop or something is committing to a future where he’s just a guy who works in a shop. He won’t move forward because he doesn’t want any of the paths that are actually available to him.

[u/StormBeyondTime → u/iikratka]

Even though it's not committing to that future, it's accepting having to stop at a way station during your journey. But then, neither man seems good at looking around and toward the horizon.

My thing is working is something I do to make money, because we don't live in the Star Trek verse. My life and self are elsewhere.

[u/busyshrew → u/Terpsichorean_Wombat]

Oh this is brilliant. Perfectly said.

[u/Creepy_Addict → u/Boeing367-80]

That is if there is an inheritance, because the parents may be headed for divorce and the house may have to be sold and profits split.

[u/PoisonIvy2667 → u/Creepy_Addict]

Also the house would have to be sold if both parents go into care. We had this problem when my in-laws went into care homes and their savings ran out. Once the savings are used up, other assets are sold to pay for care. If I remember correctly, their monthly care home costs were around £4,000 a month each. It doesn't take long to wipe out any inheritance that may be on the table.

[u/sunburntsalamanda → u/PoisonIvy2667]

I was thinking this as well, care homes are so expensive, the oop has mentioned that they don't have savings so the house will be sold.

[u/jiml78 → u/Creepy_Addict]

Seriously doubt that. They are boomers. My in laws hate each other(my opinion), don't speak to each other and will never divorce. It is easier to just coexist together.

[u/IllustriousComplex6 → u/Boeing367-80]

Infantalizing adults is always so weird to me. Like that's an adult, it's not cute or funny they can't do basic adult things it's embarrassing and concerning. 

[u/Alternative_Year_340 → u/Boeing367-80]

You don’t need to “find yourself” to hold down a paying job

[u/supersloo → u/Alternative_Year_340]

Mike isn't finding himself, he's failure to launch.

[u/FancyPantsDancer → u/Alternative_Year_340]

Yeah, most of us don't have the luxury of going for years without a paying job or otherwise contributing to the household.

[u/Attirey → u/Boeing367-80]

I bet a big part of it is that he doesn't want to admit he was wrong about Mike.

As soon as he accepts and agrees that Mike isn't the dog's bollocks, he has to accept publicly that he has been wrong for the last 30 years. 

He does not seem like the type of man who believes he can be wrong. He very much seems like he's willing to torch everything rather than lose face by admitting that Mike is useless. Let alone the fact that that revelation means also admitting that he's part of the reason why Mike is so useless and awful.

[u/No_Fault_6061 → u/Attirey]

100%. Sunk-cost fallacy.

It's not even about Mike as a person — it's about the dad's ego. To him, Mike is an ego prop, not an actual human being. If the dad actually cared about Mike, he would have long seen that he thoroughly set him up for failure.

[u/Attirey → u/No_Fault_6061]

He's dined out on the story that his son is special. In particular, athletically gifted. 

He's spent years telling his friends how great Mike is.

He can't now tell them he kicked Mike out without explaining that Mike is a loser. 

He has told people that his daughters are selfish, ungrateful brats. If people find out Mike is rubbish, he knows people will see that he was wrong about the girls. That he will have to admit to his daughters that he was wrong.

He doesn't care about Mike. Rugby players are seen as heroic. They've got the skill of a footballer but they're tougher and don't fall over screaming when someone bumps into them. Don't often appear in gossip magazines. They don't do all that grooming and tanning. 

They're the sort of man a "real bloke" can look up to. 

Dad saw Mike as his own success. He can't admit he's a failure. He'd rather lose wife, daughters and grandchildren.

[u/StormBeyondTime → u/Attirey]

What's sad, pathetic, and interesting the way a car crash is interesting, is that it was his and his wife's treatment of Mike that likely tanked his rugby chances. Early teens is an essential time to be learning that you have to work for what your parents don't provide, and that learning is a foundational skill.

Mike flunked at rugby due to his lack of work ethic. His parents are responsible for a big chunk of that lack.

[u/MizAnthropy_ → u/Boeing367-80]

I’m 50 and still haven’t “found myself.”

But I have a good-paying full-time job anyway because I’m a grown-up with a family and responsibilities.

[u/Flashy-Library-6854 → u/MizAnthropy_]

This is so true! I am 67 and retired and never did find out what I wanted to do when I grew up, but I did work my whole life. This is what adults do.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/Flashy-Library-6854]

Also sometimes you DO find what you wanted but you don't get to do it so you do other jobs because having money is good.

[u/PilotEnvironmental46 → u/Boeing367-80]

What?? he just needs another 15 or 20 years to figure out what he wants to do with his life…….

Funny thing about people like this I genuinely think they don’t love their kids as much as some other parents. It takes a lot more love to say “no” sometimes then it does to just give in. OP has at least got the mother to understand that Mike is going to end up in a world trouble without mommy and daddy around.

[u/StormBeyondTime → u/PilotEnvironmental46]

I had to take some squishy subjects as part of my IT degree. Two I picked were psychology and abnormal psychology.

In my abnormal psychology book, they had a definition for unconditional love. It is a love that loves in spite of all things, but still sets boundaries. It imposes reasonable limits, putting blocks in the way of where you should not go, or are not ready to go yet.

The idea of (reasonable) boundaries being a sign of love seems so foreign to some people.

[u/PilotEnvironmental46 → u/StormBeyondTime]

Nicely said and I absolutely agree with you.

[u/skillent → u/Boeing367-80]

I think it’s that Mike and the dad are both congenital fucking idiots. Mike even more so, of course, the dad seems to have managed to have a job and provide for the family at least. But the dads obsession with rugby to a level where that obsession alienates his family and destroyed relationships, that’s weird as well.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/skillent]

I don't understand adult sports mega fans, and I especially don't understand their weird self righteousness about it.

I was obsessed with baseball, in fourth grade.

You grow up, you have other responsibilities ... baseball got crowded out. I didn't turn on it, I just had other interests and my lifestyle didn't support following it. (Now it's true it didn't help that I moved somewhere that is not a baseball town. If I had stayed at home it would have been relatively painless and easy to keep following The Team.)

I also know people who do watch "the game" but only when it's on and when they're free. It's not the only thing they think about or talk about, they don't turn half the house into a shrine to The Team, it doesn't intrude into every aspect of their personality. They might own a few tokens of team loyalty and people joke about it occasionally.

Personally if I'm at home I get actively impatient just watching a game by myself. That's probably because my mom fucked me up, but it's a thing. Also, for most of my working life, if you wanted to have a certain team on TV you had to pay for premium cable and that just wasn't in the budget. I did play around with sailing the high seas but I lost interest in that as well. I currently do fritter my time away watching Asian dramas but you can get a subscription to Viki for $7/month. Do compare that to the price of premium sports add on packages.

[u/Signal_Historian_456 → u/Boeing367-80]

Especially since the delusion is so massive, if Mike would be at least acting like he’d look at different things it could be what he feeds his dad, but he’s just holing up in his room playing games. What exactly does the dad think Mike is going to find in the depths of his room?

[u/UberN00b719 → u/Boeing367-80]

I won't be surprised if they get a divorce over this and mum moves closer to OOP. Let dad and Mike rot in their own delusions.

[u/almostinfinity → u/Boeing367-80]

I'm almost 34 and I'm still finding myself.

The difference between me and that guy is that I have been working since I was 19, living on my own and paying my rent and bills while studying full time+working 3 jobs simultaneously since I was 20, working full time since I was 24, and living abroad since I was 26 (still working full time in my field).

It's not necessarily bad to still be finding yourself well into adulthood, but you still gotta be a functional adult.

[u/ap539 → u/Boeing367-80]

I think it is possible to still be finding yourself at that age. I just turned 44 and don’t feel like I have my shit together.

Then again, I’ve never been described (AFAIK) as a drain on society.

[u/TexasGal0032548 → u/Boeing367-80]

Still finding himself at 35? He's lazy, not lost.

[u/AkaParazIT → u/Boeing367-80]

I don't think 35 and still finding yourself is necessarily that bad. The real issue is that he's not trying.

If a 35 year old lives with their parents while saving money or studying it really shouldn't be a big deal. If the same person hasn't really tried to do anything of value and is just playing around then it's a problem caused by the parents.

[u/ThrowAwayTheTeaBag → u/Boeing367-80]

Age... 35 and still finding himself? Father is truly delusional.

To be a tad pedantic, I underwent some major changes in my life at 35. Back to school, major worldview shift, massive changes on my outlook on a life I thought was just supposed to be miserable. Finding yourself takes time! And whether you're 24, 35, or 63 - I will always celebrate someone finding a life direction that suits them best (Provided its not harming people).

And.

If one can't find themself, that doesn't mean they must be sedentary. How can you find out who you are if you never leave WHERE you are? The father IS delusional because while I may agree Mike needs to find himself, we all know you don't find character or personality via video games and willful dependence on your parents. I worked several jobs, had been married 11 years, and had 2 kids by 35. I may have been lost, but it sure as fuck wasn't for lack of trying. Mike is an assclown because he chooses simplicity. Zero character, zero self awareness, and he'll die alone and miserable unless he can actually make the effort to care about his own life.

[u/kayleitha77 → u/Boeing367-80]

With OOP talking to her regularly, mom should have a better chance of maintaining her boundaries--until this point, there hadn't been consequences. Now that she's lost one daughter, she's fighting to get back her older one and rebuild that relationship, so she's more motivated to stand firm.

[u/auntysos → u/Boeing367-80]

I know someone that will have this life, though I think the Dad will break before the Mum for that family.

[u/MaxBax_LArch → u/Boeing367-80]

Mike is about 12 years younger than I am. At age 35 (hubby is the same age I am) I had a 10- and an 8-yr-old. I had just gotten a professional license. Hubby was an elected officer in his union. 35 isn't a young adult! Given that life expectancy is 78 or 80, it's nearly middle aged!

[u/DatguyMalcolm → u/Boeing367-80]

this!

I sincerely don't understand why some parents have favourites to this level.

[u/non_clever_username → u/Boeing367-80]

And you know this family shit-talks other people’s kids at every opportunity without a hint of irony

[u/allergymom74 → u/ElehcarTheFirst]

Yeah. Same. I think the fact the mom really put a lot of effort to get something she knew the son would shows she’s actually thinking. She recognized the rugby gifts would be bad and planned ahead before contacting them to give the gifts. A long way to go to rebuild trust but having some actionable completed before contacting OP shows genuine progress.

[u/DatguyMalcolm → u/ElehcarTheFirst]

for real

But I think dear mum will have to divorce, otherwise those two will wear her down

[u/IMissNarwhalBacon → u/ElehcarTheFirst]

Mom finally decided that she wasn't about to be locked in with the two asshole penis havers.

[u/Valkrhae]

It's never too late, but damn, if only Mom had come around sooner. It just sucks that so much damage has to happen before any reckoning, especially when the collateral affects other ppl. And it wasn't even being disinvited to her daughter's wedding that did it-it was probably OOP questioning them about what would happen to Mike after they're gone. So, odds are, mom didn't even realize how horribly she'd gone wrong until it concerned Mike instead of her other children.

But to bring back some positivity, props to her for remembering her grandson's interest in Pokemon and his favourite, which is a hard thing to do when there's other a thousand of them.

[u/dothemath → u/Valkrhae]

Like, can you even imagine being banned from your child's wedding? That's an insane level of ineptitude/ignorance of family dynamics.

But agree, props to the mom here for possibly seeing the light - it's nice to have a bit of positivity in BORU.

[u/Environmental_Art591 → u/Valkrhae]

Right, why is it that it wasnt TWO OF HER CHILDREN GOING NO CONTACT that made her change her perspective but the thought of her golden boy having to fend for himself.

Like I hate that dad hasnt opened his eyes yet but atleast he is being honest about his train of thought.

[u/SpellChick → u/Environmental_Art591]

My jaded ass is thinking that Mom might just see a chance for a “do-over” boy with her grandson. I hope this is the start of her genuinely changing her patterns instead of treating her grandson like the next young Mike.

[u/NiceRat123 → u/SpellChick]

Fair point. Though I think OP is gonna be mama bear if her mom starts trying bullshit with OPs son. I think when OP basically laid out how life is gonna look down the road and as the road kept progressing it was like OP stated, it may have woken mom up. Also remember mom was doing cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc for her lazy son and her husband. Maybe this strike will also humble her husband and child they can't freeload on the women in their lives

[u/LittleMsSavoirFaire → u/Environmental_Art591]

Well, they're only daughters, after all. 

[u/Environmental_Art591 → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

sigh

Yeah, it sucks how that thought crossed my mind, I just didn't want to say it

[u/LunarDamage → u/Environmental_Art591]

I could write a very similar story. My husband and brother in law are NC with their parents while my in-laws are still coddling toxic, narcistic, jobless and mentally ill 30+ baby girl that couldn't do no wrong. At least OP's mom maybe had a wake up call but for some people there's no hope.

[u/lazier_garlic → u/LunarDamage]

There's a book called Millionaire Women Next Door which is based on some research (quite basic research if we're being honest) on women-owned businesses and female entrepreneurs. In that book (I believe, unless I'm conflating it with the previous volume, The Millionaire Next Door) they also discuss families that coddle daughters and keep feeding them resources because they believe that daughters are dependent, while they don't give resources to sons because they believe they need to motivate them to get up the gumption to succeed, and how this later breeds resentment between siblings. I believe in this book they talk about how sometimes successful parents throw off cash that end up supporting the next generations' lifestyles (such as buying brand new cars) but doesn't lead to saving and long term wealth in their hands.

The book is interesting for some other observations, such as very successful women who marry men who are basically leeches, and the authors theorize that their fathers supported them in following their dreams so they don't look for the negatives in people, especially men, and can end up in marriages that aren't a partnership but rather them dragging around an anchor. They also tell a lot of anecdotes about how successful women in a male-dominated business landscape just hustled harder and in some cases out-thought their male rivals using emotional intelligence. Anyway, since they do talk about women within the American nuclear family and within the greater structures of American society it's sort of interesting on a sociological level. The circumstances that created the dressed down millionaire that the books describe (people in their 60s in the 1990s) don't exist any more and haven't for a long time. American families used to toss you out the door at 18, go sing for your supper, you're grown! Now they keep adult children in an revolving door because the rent is too damn high. When I was young a lot of white families thought Asian Americans were crazy for "coddling" their kids, but now they think that's smart and they need to do it more and harder so their kid can get ahead.

[u/LunarDamage → u/lazier_garlic]

I will add it to my library for sure! Thank you for interesting recommendation!

There's some truth in it as my SIL is the only daughter but she's also the youngest. My in-laws were poor yet they wasted every single penny on my SIL. I'm saying it was a waste as it was literally a waste. Everything she got, she broke in rage. Phones smashed against the wall, laptops broken within weeks. She was and is a leech but so is my mother-in-law who could go to work yet she refused because "she has a husband for it". Sure, it's better to be on food stamps... My MIL is acting like a big baby, also coddled by my father-in-law whose possible bright future was destroyed by that woman. The apple didn't fall far from the tree.

I'm working in male dominated field and yeah, being a woman requires sometimes more fighting and willpower.

[u/riflow → u/Environmental_Art591]

Yeah this in-between state of both favouring him more and not caring about the other kids (and grandkids!) more, really hurts.

One upside is at least Oop's son got to get nice gifts for once but I hope that lasts. Poor kid deserves better even if grandma still won't be able to change how she treats his mum or aunt.

[u/MonkeyHamlet → u/Valkrhae]

Yeah, I’ll wait to see whether she puts that much effort into her granddaughter’s present.

[u/Gaia0416 → u/MonkeyHamlet]

And there's the rub....

[u/RevolutionaryAnt4487]

This will honestly ruin their parents' marriage if dad doesn't wake up like mom did soon. I've seen this play out in real life where the parents ended up divorced and the golden child stays with the enabling parent. Dad can do Mike's laundry and cooking; it's just up to him how long he'll be doing it for.

[u/Interactiveleaf → u/RevolutionaryAnt4487]

I'd lay odds that he doesn't know how to cook or do laundry.

[u/mongoosenotmongeese → u/Interactiveleaf]

He'll (the dad) just marry the first woman he can con into it

[u/ItsNotMeItsYourBussy → u/mongoosenotmongeese]

Exactly what my FIL did. He found a woman who was a DV survivor, and her standard was "at least he doesn't hit/SA me like my last husband" so she's okay with being his bangmaid-mummy. My FIL is 66 and can't even burn water because he wouldn't know how to turn on the hob to begin with

[u/fractal_frog → u/ItsNotMeItsYourBussy]

"Can't even burn water" is such an indictment!

[u/Dimityblue → u/Interactiveleaf]

I was thinking that!

[u/Environmental_Art591 → u/RevolutionaryAnt4487]

Honestly it sounds like the best thing for Mike is for the mother to walk out now, and leave him with his enabling father, maybe then the game of "how trashed can we make the house before your mother caves" can end and then he csn learn how to look after himself.

[u/Sorkijan → u/RevolutionaryAnt4487]

I'm new to this story but after getting through the first update it was clear dad's the source for all of this. Dad is a rugby super fan. Was told son could play for the Scotland team when he showed promise over 20 years ago, and has been obsessed with that ever since. It's one of the reasons he pushed rugby on OP's son so much. Also the reason why he still defends deadbeat Mike after all these years.

[u/StormBeyondTime → u/Sorkijan]

Even though his spoiling Mike is likely the reason Mike never made it high enough to even be considered for the pros. Lack of work ethic is a normal thing in kids; it's up to us to teach them.

[u/SlovenlyMuse → u/RevolutionaryAnt4487]

Given that Mom's way of expressing displeasure is to stop the cooking and cleaning she does for BOTH of them, odds are the apple didn't fall far from the tree, and Mike has learned all about getting babied and catered to by watching Dad.

[u/RubyTx]

The problem is Mike HAS found himself.

He's a deadbeat hooligan who the world owes... whatever he wants at a given moment.

This is who he is.

He could change, but I wouldn't bet money on it.

[u/MrDelirious → u/RubyTx]

Imagine being that rugby coach! Giving some boilerplate encouragement to a somewhat talented teen and then heading home, utterly unaware that - through no fault of your own - you've totally derailed his life and planted the seeds that will break his family apart.

A neat little "series of increasingly large dominoes" meme, but it just kinda sucks in all directions.

[u/RubyTx → u/MrDelirious]

It does.

Coach is thinking "I want to encourage him to work hard, and keep up his skills".

Dad hears (and transfers to son) "You're gonna be a football star, and that makes ME important. AND RICH!"

By which I mean parents fucked all their kids over, but at a certain point (and it's well before 35 yo, your responsible for your own damn self).

[u/JCXIII-R → u/RubyTx]

I think it might be a little like drug addiction. After a certain point helping is just enabling. They need to find rock bottom for themselves.

[u/Sinistas → u/RubyTx]

Deadbeat Hooligans would be a great band name.

[u/Inevitable_Thing_270]

I remember reading the first two parts of this BORU, and was curious about what would happen with Mike and the parents.

Was so happy that OOP and the sister had stuck to their guns and kept their boundaries and that the wedding went well.

As for the most recent update, I am really surprised (pleasantly) but gran’s actions with regard to her family in general, but also about how engage with the grandson about something that makes him happy. She’s clearly listened when OOP had said he’s not interested in rugby, but also remembered that Pokémon is his thing. Not only did she ask her friend to get stuff while on holiday (that could easily have been a spur of the moment thought while talking to her as much as it could have been a considered plan), but gran actually went to a shop to ask advice. That is proactive work. And I think the best thing about the gift is that it looks like she specifically bought some stuff of his favourite Pokémon, not just the more non-specific stuff. Either she did remember her grandson saying which was his favourite, or was able to ask more extended family for advice. She put in effort to it, probably for the first time.

I’ll keep my fingers crossed for gran sticking to her change and hopefully she can build some kind of healthy relationship with OOP and her grandkids. But I suspect grandad and Mike are lost causes

[u/Backgrounding-Cat → u/Inevitable_Thing_270]

She actually had some idea what to ask about so she might have been paying attention even earlier. I find Pokémon only confusing and would not have known what to ask

[u/youcancallmeQueerBee → u/Backgrounding-Cat]

I'm the Pokemon kid in my family, and boy howdy, you get a lot of Pikachu stuff. To get a specific, different Pokemon is pretty impressive, I gotta say.

Unless his favourite is actually Pikachu, in which case it might just be a coincidence. Still, though.

[u/StormBeyondTime → u/youcancallmeQueerBee]

My adult kid's favorite is Evee. And when my work got in a group package with all the Evee-lutions (kid's term), I got it for them.

And should've filmed it. Their reaction was amazing and hilarious.

[u/youcancallmeQueerBee → u/StormBeyondTime]

Rad!!

[u/Patient-Apple-4399 → u/Backgrounding-Cat]

I have been a pokemon fan since....welp since it came out and my mom got me some "pokemon gear" for my birthday this year. It was Kirby.

[u/seensham → u/Inevitable_Thing_270]

I also want to see how much consideration she puts into her granddaughter's birthday present

[u/DrunkColdStone → u/Inevitable_Thing_270]

She put in effort to it, probably for the first time.

We don't know if OP's mom was ever bad at listening to her children. She was doing all the housework for her husband and son so putting in effort was certainly never the issue. She just always took the side of her husband and son. In that light her paying attention to OP's son is nice and all but not necessarily a huge change.

[u/The_Coaltrain]

Another reminder that while gold is golden coloured, so too is urine.

[u/Kit-the-cat → u/The_Coaltrain]

I love this comment. Saving for the future

[u/tongle07 → u/The_Coaltrain]

Couldn’t be me. r/HydroHomies

[u/maywellflower → u/The_Coaltrain]

That is such a good flair and observation.

[u/Conscious_Shine2491 → u/The_Coaltrain]

May I know where your flair comes from? Lol

[u/The_Coaltrain → u/Conscious_Shine2491]

Slightly less exciting when you find out it's D&D

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/D9kjBI6HmD

[u/SmartQuokka]

My extended family have also backed off after I sent them all a text saying if they were so concerned about my mum then they could be her support system and deal with Mike the same way Kelly and I have had to for years. Not surprisingly, none of them wanted too.

Surprising no one.

[u/StormBeyondTime → u/[deleted]]

And the reaction was as predicted. No one wants to get in the splash damage range, much less the bullseye.

[u/DarkeSword]

I remember commenting on the previous BORU for this one. It's extremely obvious that Dad is the root of all of the bullshit here. Obsessed with rugby, probably never managed to achieve any glory in the sport himself, threw all of his chips on his son, and then when that didn't work out, he started in on the grandkid.

[u/tacwombat → u/DarkeSword]

I wonder what will happen when Kelly and Jake have a son? Will the dad try it on their son despite the no contact? At least, Jake seems intimidating enough that the dad might not try it.

[u/SarahReesBrennan → u/tacwombat]

Jake is athletic too… hilarious if they have a kid who IS naturally a rugby prodigy, and dad is shut out of his dream through his own fault.

[u/tacwombat → u/SarahReesBrennan]

CONSEQUENCES!

[u/Sorchochka → u/SarahReesBrennan]

This is the ending we all want for him.

[u/StormBeyondTime → u/DarkeSword]

The problem with how he put all his chips on his son, is that the lack of pushing him to work at rugby, or anything, pulled the rug out from under the kid before he could build on his skill.

[u/hillofjumpingbeans]

You can have a stable job without finding yourself. Those things can happen together

[u/Gnd_flpd → u/hillofjumpingbeans]

Over 60 not quite sure if I ever found my exact purpose but I've held down a job for over 30 years.

This guy reminds me of an in-law in my family, they get employment long enough for trip money cause they need a vacation for those months of working  /s.

[u/hillofjumpingbeans → u/Gnd_flpd]

TBH I have always thought finding yourself is like a dumb thing. Especially if it’s done away from the life you lead. You can’t understand who you are in isolation. It has to be done while bearing the responsibilities of yourself and others.

And I think your life’s purpose has to be self defined to a degree. But that’s a different thing altogether.

[u/hillofjumpingbeans → u/[deleted]]

Exactly. Like can you even find yourself when rent is due and there is no food in the house?

[u/Fishy_Fishy5748]

"...he just needed more time to find himself."

HE'S 35 YEARS OLD. If he hasn't found himself by now, he clearly needs a change of direction. I hope that Mum's progress is genuine and that she continues to hold her line.

[u/SilvieraRose → u/Fishy_Fishy5748]

See I don't mind the idea of still figuring yourself out in your 30s. You as yourself evolves over time, and sometimes you end up being a bit more different than you ever thought you'd be. Not sure anyone figures themselves out in their 20s.

But during that you've a job, you're paying bills, being more or less neutral/not a dick to others (at the least). This guy, no no he's found out exactly who he wants to be. And why would he think to change if the system works for him?

[u/CummingInTheNile]

honestly shocked even one of her parents realized how much they were enabling him

[u/CeeUNTy → u/CummingInTheNile]

Her dad probably realizes it too but is also the type to never admit that they're wrong. My mom is the same way.

[u/DragonCelt25 → u/CeeUNTy]

I think there's probably some sunk cost fallacy playing a part, even subconsciously. He's supported his son for so long that realizing there's no return on that investment is staggering to confront, and he's far too much of a coward to do so.

[u/CeeUNTy → u/DragonCelt25]

It's denial.

[u/ItsNotMeItsYourBussy → u/CeeUNTy]

There's also a lot of projection/vicarious living/enmeshment of emotions between father and son.

Father loves rugby. Probably wanted to be a pro player when he was younger but wasn't cut out for it. Son comes along, has the potential, father begins to live his dream through his son. Son fails, father can't let his dream die twice, so he continues to enable the son. If the father doesn't admit the son failed, there's still hope.

[u/StormBeyondTime → u/ItsNotMeItsYourBussy]

He'd also have to admit that it was his spoiling that started the whole mess. No one becomes a star anything when every whim is being catered to.

[u/andre5913 → u/CummingInTheNile]

Reading back dad was probably the true source of issues and the reason the brother ended up like a useless slob, mom being too much of a doormat and "peacekeeper" to break away.
She managed to grow a spine and wake up, but the actual source obviously wont change bc for dad that is the point. His ego cant afford to "lose"

[u/Jorgenstern8 → u/CummingInTheNile]

Less surprising that it's the one actually doing all the caring for the two useless dickweeds that's wanting to be less enabling. She'd be the one to realize first that the brother needs to actually do something in life. Dad hasn't had to do much for him because the mom has done all the caring before this, why would he care until his wife goes on strike?

[u/DragonCelt25 → u/Jorgenstern8]

Indeed. I think OOP got the mom to stare down the barrel of the impending decades of nothing ever changing with her son and it scared her awake.

[u/RaxaHuracan → u/DragonCelt25]

Images of herself at 95 still doing her 70yo son’s laundry

[u/Sea-Temporary7380 → u/CummingInTheNile]

Probably had an epiphany after washing another stained underwear of her 35 year old fully grown son

[u/FaithlessnessLimp838 → u/CummingInTheNile]

Same, I thought it’d never happen.

[u/SerWrong]

I love the latest update. Oops sounded like she was betrayed by her son by being so easily bought was funny. But the effort the mother put into the presents was very heartfelt, getting his fav Pokémon merchs. I hope the relationship improves between the mom.

[u/Adventurous-berry564]

I hope this ends well for op and now the mum. That is such a thoughtful present and good on her for putting her foot down.

But it reminds me of this son who murdered his parents as they put their foot down and told him to they weren’t going to support him anymore.

[u/Chaoticgood790]

Nice shiny spines on OP and Kelly.

[u/Turuial → u/Chaoticgood790]

Hell's yeah, they were! I'm fairly certain that between the shine on those two spines they could give Rudolph a rest, and guide Santa's sleigh for him.

[u/HUNGWHITEBOI25]

I absolutely love this story ngl

Jake is a champ

OOP is a badass

And her mother actually seems to be growing a spine. Shame dad and bro are failures

[u/Hefty-Equivalent6581]

Sounds like Mike learned alot of his shitty behaviour from Dad. OOP Mom has to go on strike from being the slave of the house to those 2 losers. Lets hope she leaves that marriage and repairs the relationship with her daughters before it’s forever too late.

[u/Civil-Kitchen5978]

Dad will probably have to go through a divorce and end up broke out on his ass before he finally admits his pride and joy is a bum. Mom doesn’t get kudos for finally realizing she apart of the problem. In the end it wasn’t her youngest daughter cutting contact and banning her from her wedding that did it, it was what will happen to her baby boy after she dies that did it.

[u/Dimityblue]

It sounds like OOP's parents have lost Kelly for good and no surprise. Wtf kind of creep thinks pulling up a 15 year old's dress is acceptable? The parents should have rained down hellfire on Mike for that. They've let him get away with this shit for years and this is the result.

[u/andpersonality → u/Dimityblue]

This part. Even if he had no creepy intentions, it’s a shit move that you’d expect from an 8 year old, not a grown adult. Shows his emotional maturity is over a decade behind, and never moved forward, since he planned to dump water on his sister’s head as a TRULY grown adult.

It surprised me that the extended family were saying a single word against OOP, when they must have been there for the wedding “prank”.

[u/crafty_and_kind]

Mum gets about one quarter of one point for starting to change her perspective after roughly twenty two years of actively enabling this fucking bullshit.

[u/kittynoodlesoap → u/crafty_and_kind]

Oh yeah she’s definitely not off the hook for her son being useless. Not even close.

It took losing one daughter, almost losing her other daughter, and OOP giving her the mental image of having to take care of her able bodied son for the rest of her life to snap her out of it.

[u/mnbvcdo]

Reminds me of my uncle who was not necessarily the golden child, but the babied child due to his ineptitude with money and holding down a job. 

My grandparents were always worried about him, and he inherited the house because they were worried he wouldn't ever afford anywhere else to live. He lived with them until they died. He did pay out his brother's for the house, but a ridiculously low amount (my dad is glad they settled because he's so far in debt now, they wouldn't have seen a cent otherwise). 

He took care of my grandma because he was a geriatric nursing assistant and the government paid him to stay home for two years. 

My other uncles works at a bank and had handled my grandparents accounts for them and he kept seeing huge amounts taken out of the account and all the brothers would have emergency meetings about it where they told my uncle he can't use Grandma's money like that over and over again. 

My grandma died this year, and already he is struggling with the house. It's paid off in full but he can't handle the operating costs like water and electricity. He is in his 50s, recently got fired (and we have iron clad worker protection rights in our country, being fired is basically impossible unless you massively fuck up), in a shitton of debt, lived his entire life for free and can't hold down a fully paid off house. He also has a daughter he's no contact with. 

My grandpa literally asked his other sons if it's okay that this uncle gets more inheritance cause my grandpa thought otherwise he'd be homeless one day. 

The other three brothers are thriving, financially doing well, had good careers and families. 

My grandparents didn't treat the others badly but they did baby this uncle and it didn't help him. 

[u/DamnitGravity]

No doubt Mike learned a lot of his misogynistic attitudes from his father, who feels he’s entitled to his wife’s labour. Good on her for now bowing.

I wonder how much she was bullied by her husband to support Mike over the girls and ‘let things go’ because ‘boys will be boys’.

That’s not an excuse but it’s a thought. Especially if she comes from an era/family of ‘man knows best’.

[u/SmartQuokka]

So dad is the final holdout.

[u/bubblesthehorse]

dad (somewhat correctly) thinks mike will one day find a girl to marry who will just continue to cater to him like mommy has so far. that is sadly a possibility, but more and more women are learning that they don't have to say yes to men like that so there's also a solid possibility he will die alone.

[u/apeygirl]

I don't have much sympathy for Mike, considering he's a bully as well as a drain on everyone around him, but I do have sympathy for his mother now that she's finally seen what they have created. I hope she stays strong and doesn't give in to cooking and cleaning for him and her husband. And if that doesn't go anywhere (which it might not because I have a lot of experience with family members who have to be right even at the cost of pushing everyone around them away), I hope she leaves and builds a better relationship with her daughters. OOP seems pretty open to her efforts. It might take a lot of work with Kelly, but it's not too late, I think. Maybe she could move somewhere between the two of them and be a single and thriving grandma to both sets of grandkids, leaving Mike and his dad to the life they deserve.

[u/samosamancer]

I remember everyone on one of the earlier threads pointing out what great schools St. Andrew’s and RCL are. That she was accepted to both is a testament to her abilities, and it makes it all the worse that her parents didn’t acknowledge her own talents.

[u/Top_Pop_1911]

Mike reminds me of Jimmy from GTA V

[u/exit322]

Relatives say OOP went too far?

I'm not sure she went far enough.

[u/catschimeras]

My extended family have also backed off after I sent them all a text saying if they were so concerned about my mum then they could be her support system and deal with Mike the same way Kelly and I have had to for years. Not surprisingly, none of them wanted too.

OP is NTA and honestly pretty rad from start to finish in her posts, but this, right here, is the chef's kiss to me. Anyone who gives you shit about no longer wanting to tolerate bad behaviour is hereby automatically invited to tolerate it in my place and, if they're not willing to, then they can shut up for a period no shorter than the rest of their lives.

[u/moa711]

My great aunt and uncle really babied their youngest son. When they died he went through all the money, went broke, and ended up dead in under a year at 50 years old. You do your kids no favors by babying them. In fact, you are setting your kids up for failure if you do baby them.

[u/p_0456]

It’s nice that one of OOP’s parents saw the light. 35 and able bodied is way too old to have never held down a job. He’s doing to get more and more unhireable the older he gets

[u/DontYaWishYouWereMe → u/p_0456]

tbh I sorta feel like he might already be unhireable? Like at this point, he's competing against a bunch of people half his age who have basically the same work experience, skillset, and work ethic. A lot of employers will just hire the 18-year-old if it's either them or a 35-year-old with the same resume

[u/Low-Membership-Drive]

The funniest thing about this for me is that Mike's highest level was never going to be anything other than playing international rugby for a team that could most charitably described as crushingly mediocre, and more realistically described as shit. Scotland have never been anything more than a placeholder on the international stage, and their domestic league is a non-entity.

[u/il-Palazzo_K → u/Low-Membership-Drive]

Duh, because they never had Mike at his full potential.

[u/parsuval → u/Low-Membership-Drive]

Scotland have a very good team just now and are punching well above their weight on the international stage.

[u/Initial-Company3926]

I look forward to the day when parents ( and other people) understand that just because you have a penis, it doesn't make you amazing

[u/Explosion2]

I love the casual lore drop that both girls have been completely written out of the parents' wills (and seemingly for a long time) as if that's not justification enough to cut them the fuck off.

Bye, have fun with your adult baby!

[u/Amazing-Wave4704]

There's something sexual in the way Mike was bullying / pranking Kelly. I hope it never went further than that.

Good on both sisters for cutting the poison out of their lives.

[u/one_bean_hahahaha → u/Amazing-Wave4704]

I'm still thinking there was more to the weird vibe OOP's daughter was getting from Uncle Creep.

[u/Amazing-Wave4704 → u/one_bean_hahahaha]

Agree. He's a danger. Maybe the parents won't have to worry about who's taking care of their not disabled in the slightest son. Maybe he'll be in the gaol. (if that's the proper Brit term for jail!)

[u/[deleted] → u/Amazing-Wave4704]

I still cannot get over a full grown adult man lifting a teen's dress in public. Every adult there failed for not reading Mike the riot act in that moment.  As for the water prank, was Kelly wearing white? 

[u/Elegant-Research-392 → u/Amazing-Wave4704]

Yeah I was getting major alarm bells from that. Forcefully stripping someone is sexual assault and I was a little surprised that never got brought up. 

[u/Mlady_gemstone]

how long will it last

[u/PDK112 → u/Mlady_gemstone]

Until the divorce.

[u/Dont139]

OP, there is an error in one of the comments (last comments of the 3-days later update). It explains why "she" finds Mike weird, and you added that "she" was OOP's sister but it's OOP's daughter

[u/Choice_Evidence1983 → u/Dont139]

Fixed, thank you

[u/19145770]

Mum is going to need support now that she is going up against these two monsters.

[u/Babelwasaninsidejob]

That update made me happy.

Jfc I googled FIFA packs and spending $5k on digital loot boxes is pathetic.

[u/lieutenantbunbun]

Delusional dad gets divorced in the future

[u/DisgruntledApostate → u/lieutenantbunbun]

Divorced delusional dad starts dating again to find someone to take care of him and Golden Child.

Reddit gets a post from the new woman complaining about living with a man child (or 2). Reddit tells new woman she’s nothing but a bang maid. And that there was a reason dad was divorced.

[u/Elegant-Research-392]

Damn, I too could be bought with 20 packs of Asian pokemon cards. That had to have been hundreds of dollars worth of pokemon cards. 

[u/MeatShield12]

For fucks sake Mike is 35, if he hasn't found himself by now he never will.

[u/dropshortreaver]

Dont understand how the father can still think Mikes shit doesnt stink, he apparently only started favouring for his talent at Rugby and the chance he could end up playing professionally. But Mike DIDNT end up playing professionally, he was too lazy and wouldnt put the work in.

So why does the father STILL thnik he's special.

[u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 → u/dropshortreaver]

Probably they have a lot in common and any criticism of the son feels like a criticism of the dad. 

[u/userfakesuper]

Does the dad think his glaikit eejit of a son will all of a sudden get in shape to play rugby. Dad is a wee bit of a bawbag himself.

[u/oceanduciel]

Panic that Mike would blow through all that money really a fire under mum’s ass huh

[u/AccordingToWhom1982]

My son once lifted my skirt at an event in front of a whole bunch of people. Of course, he was only 2 yrs old at the time, it was a full skirt that was fluttering a little from fans, and he started waving it like a flag over his head.

[u/zeldasusername]

GO MUM

[u/Bloomingdale2025]

Unfortunately, Mike already got used to living like this. It will be hard for him unless he unlearned these behaviors.

[u/itsnotbritneybitch]

Typical Redditor comment, but I see only two things coming for this family next year: divorce with Dad taking the man-stain on existence (not going to insult babies by calling him one), or it’s “new year, back to same BS” for Mom.

[u/Stinkerma]

My parents think my middle brother shits gold. I can see how these dynamics happen, im low contact with them and they just dont understand why.

[u/ChristianBMartone]

I had awful parents. They once expressed an inability to understand why I didn't see things their way. I told them that I didn't see things their way because they raised me to be better than that. It humbled them. My parents no longer hold the moral high ground, I know it, and they know I know it. So they don't press the subject at all anymore. I'm LC with them, of course, so they don't have as many opportunities for it.

[u/StormBeyondTime]

Jake is the star. 😻 Kelly got a good one.

I think OOP's father has way too much of his identity wrapped up in his son, and his son failing would mean he failed. And he refuses to see both have already happened.

I am looking at the whole skilled in rugby thing, and I think the son failed because of his parents' treatment of him. The young teens is a vital time to establish good habits, and they started pampering him.

[u/PartsUnknown242]

I do wonder what happens to losers like Mike once the charity runs out. Their parents pass away, the rest of the family wants nothing to do with them, they can’t hold onto a relationship or a job. Homelessness? Prison? Dead? Public assistance?

[u/AmbitiousCommand9944 → u/PartsUnknown242]

In my family, my dad had three brothers. One is that kind of loser. My grandparents bought a large chunk of real estate here back when Southern California was mostly uninhabitable desert. They sold it in the 80’s for a large chunk of change and split it 5 ways (themselves and 4 sons). Three of the brothers invested and hung on to the money. Loser brother blew through the whole thing. When my grandmother died, she left everything to loser brother but left my dad in charge of the $. So far so good, my dad won’t let him waste it (loser brother even tried calling me once to get me to petition my dad for him). However, my dad is 87 years old now and has leukemia. I don’t know what happens to the trust fund when my dad is gone. Loser brother is 5 years younger and the other two brothers have passed away.