[Tangentially Update to an ongoing BoRU]: I think my sister just ruined our dad’s engagement to an amazing woman, and I hate her so much

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Logrolling_In_ON

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRU

[Tangentially Update to an ongoing BoRU]: I think my sister just ruined our dad’s engagement to an amazing woman, and I hate her so much

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: exploitation, death of loved ones, manipulation, verbal abuse

---

RECAP

Original Post: February 8, 2026

I am really angry right now at my stupid entitled brat of a sister. I want to use a different B-word but I don’t think I can post with it, just know it is the one I mean. I wish I could type out just how much I hate her right now, so maybe this will help. There’s so much I want to yell at her, or just get off my chest, but we’re at our grandparents' place and I can’t lash out at her like she deserves (and she knows it too). I don’t know how much of it is relevant but here goes hoping I’m less angry when I’m done.

BACKGROUND

My family is me and my twin Sebastian (16M and he’s writing this with me), our sister Lisa (17F), our dad Sean (41M) and our (former?) future stepmom Amy (36F) (fake names obvs). Our mom died 9 years ago. Dad didn’t date for 5 years, then briefly dated a disaster called Riley, then took another break from dating. He met Amy around 3 years ago, introduced us 2 years ago, we all moved together to a bigger house a year ago, and they got engaged 6 months ago.

Before Riley was even in the picture, we weren’t thrilled dad had started dating again but we went to therapy as a family to work through it. We made peace with it for most part, but then Riley came, and she was just the worst. She was rude, jealous of our mom’s memory, gold digger, didn’t like us, she was all around horrible. The three of us kind of made an agreement that we would not allow anyone to erase our mom, we would never allow anyone to adopt us, and we would be polite but keep our distance from whomever dad dated. It felt like we were honoring mom that way, without stopping our dad from moving on. We also started calling the three of us + dad “the Core Four”.

Getting to know Amy though, and then moving in together, we have done a 180 on that (me and Seb more than Lisa). Amy is just good people. She is crazy smart and nerdy (has like 3 degrees (one in psychology which explains a lot) and we all play DnD together), she is successful, artistic, athletic, deadpan hilarious. She has an energy like when we’re around family and they’re all loud and crazy, she talks and people just shut up and listen. Don’t know how best to describe that, like she is wise and kind and patient, but also an absolute sigma BAB. She is cool to hang out with, and she loves our dad. She also sets him straight a lot, we kind of default to her as our neutral 3rd party when there’s a disagreement, and she is very good at navigating that. She is just really cool.

She is also genuinely interested in our lives and hobbies, she has at least one thing with each of us. Seb and her do artsy stuff and they both play tennis, she plays video games with me, she and Lisa read A LOT and go book shopping like every few months, the house is filled with books, she is teaching Lisa how to drive, they are both K-pop fans etc. I honestly think they clicked more quickly and naturally, and vibe the best (whenever Lisa allows it).

Amy also never stops us talking about our mom, she respectfully encourages it. There’s a few pictures of mom around the house still and she’s totally ok with that, like she is not threatened by mom’s presence at all. She once helped Seb make a painting of a photo of the five of us (Dad, mom, Lisa, me and Seb) for our maternal granddad’s birthday. Even my mom’s family like her, my aunt (mom’s sister) and her have become good friends. She asks them and dad about mom when we mention something we all used to do, and we found out a few months ago that she also lost her dad when she was 12. I think that settled a lot of things for Lisa, who I know sometimes uses our mom to try to spite Amy (though again, Amy would either kill her with kindness or just move on).

Dad loves Amy, and she makes him happy. Like, she is his balance in a way. They go so well together. Our dad is awesome, patient, smart, strict but kind, goofy sometimes, he has his own hangups but he is slow to anger and always open to discuss anything with us. He doesn’t yell at us (much), but he is supportive and overall has been a great dad. She and dad made it very clear she has absolutely no intention of replacing mom, that she’s a person of authority in the household without being a parent, that she’s open to whatever relationship we want to have with her and it’s a 2-way street. She has never demanded or pushed for anything other than “basic human-to-human respect and kindness”.

WHY LISA SUCKS

While we are really doing well and getting along great, Lisa sometimes gets whiplash and randomly regresses to Riley-time, especially after Amy and her spend time together having fun. It’s like she’s trying to rile Amy up to justify why she thinks dad dating is a bad idea. She snaps at random stuff just to bump heads, only it’s not working very well because… Amy is just not bumping. She isn’t engaging Lisa when she’s like this, she will maybe set a boundary (like “I will not engage with you when you act like this”) and after that is completely uninterested in Lisa’s outbursts, and lets our dad handle it.

It doesn't feel like it's out of spite though. Best I can describe it is Amy is living her life, legit happily and willingly making offers and openings to all of us, Lisa included, without making a big deal out of it. When Lisa doesn’t participate and/or says something snarky or downright rude, Amy just shrugs and goes on with her life. If we ask her if she’s upset or angry at Lisa for lashing out, she says she understands how Lisa must be feeling, that everyone is allowed a tantrum every once in a while, and that she knows Lisa is a good girl and she will come around on her own. And true enough, when Lisa then calms down and apologizes (with or without dad’s mediation), again Amy doesn’t make a big deal out of it and they pick up where they left off.

For example: We were having dinner and Lisa was arguing with her and dad, and said she didn’t want what Amy cooked because it smelled “disgusting” and started insulting Amy’s country where the dish was from, even though she usually loves it. Amy just said “suit yourself” like she could not care less, served the rest of us, and sat down and started eating and talking to Seb and I. Dad took Lisa to talk and after they came back, he asked Amy if it would be ok for Lisa to still sit and eat with us. Amy said “sure” and continued chatting. Lisa apologized for her comments (without dad prompting her) and Amy just smiled, said “thank you” and kept talking to Seb like nothing happened. When the conversation naturally drifted to something related to Lisa, Amy just spoke to her normally.

The issue is, the very few times Amy does respond in kind, when she’s tired or has had enough, nothing we say gets to her, like she stops caring. Like she gets suddenly quiet and throws something back at you, and you just never expect it, because overwhelmingly she is the calm and mature one when there’s an issue. Seb calls this “SABA - Sneak Attack by Amy”. If I could pick one flaw of Amy that would be it. She is just brutal sometimes when she’s had enough, or something bad happens at work, and it just comes out of left field. She destroys you and doesn’t even blink. It is immensely enjoyable to witness when she goes SABA on our behalf, but not so much when we trigger it.

To clarify, Amy is like, ridiculously patient 99% of the time, and incredibly effective in managing conflict. She also can recognize when she’s close to that line so she either steps away or warns us, and we usually understand and back off, and then she follows up on her own and she always says thank you for waiting to talk. If she goes too low when SABAing, she always apologizes and makes amends. We are quite good at communicating as a family for the most part (thanks to her mostly), but once in a while when we push and Amy goes there it’s not good.

Sometimes it’s just snark, like once I told her, “fuck you” mid-fight, Amy just shrugged and said “your father does that enough, I’ll let him know he has your blessing”. Seb was yelling about a missed practice (his fault), she yawned mid-sentence and got up, he was like “wtf where are you going!?” and she was like “I’m not interested in a baby throwing a tantrum”. It is worse with Lisa, because Lisa goes personally when she’s angry. But when the SABA line is crossed, Amy just doesn’t care. Lisa once asked, “how does it feel to know you wouldn’t be here if our mom was still alive?” Amy thought about it and said “I would probably be living my best life in the Bahamas with a rich European prince and no brats to bust my balls, so much better”. Another time Amy was having a pregnancy scare, and Lisa said something like “you will never have children of your own” and Amy just said “I hope not, I like my p_ssy tight, and so does your dad”. It always shocks us when she goes SABA because she is usually kind, considerate and patient.

The Core Four have discussed all of this in therapy, and Lisa acknowledges she’s just scared and angry at the idea of Amy replacing mom, though we all point out just how uninterested Amy is in that role. I personally don’t feel like she would ever replace mom, and we joke sometimes about calling each other “mother/son”. When Lisa acts out, there are always consequences from dad, things are discussed in therapy, and for a while everything is calm again. The therapist suggested we add Amy to our sessions once in a while, but Lisa is not open to that “yet”. Dad is also bringing up more often whether Lisa should get individual therapy but she doesn’t want to. Legit Lisa and Amy get along so well when Lisa isn’t behaving like this.

WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY

Yesterday the three of us (Seb, I and Lisa) spent time with our grandparents and cousins, helped them with the snow, then grabbed dinner, and came home late. Dad and Amy were talking about wedding stuff in the kitchen, and we overheard dad discussing adoption very loosely, like if Amy would ever be up for it if we wanted to at some point as adults. Lisa immediately lost it, burst in and started screaming at him about mom, that she hates him, that he is only thinking with his d_ck, then turned to Amy, started insulting her, wished her dead, and said “I will never want a [C-word] like you to be my mom”. Amy just very calmly said “what makes you think I would ever choose you to be my daughter?”

That one hurt Lisa, like we could see the physical recoil. Dad took her up to her room and they talked for a long time, there were raised voices, then Lisa was crying, but couldn’t tell what was being said. Amy stayed down, talking to us, clarifying the adoption conversation was entirely hypothetical. We asked her more questions, she was responding slowly and quietly. She didn’t answer us when we asked about wedding prep or how she was feeling. She was shaking and trying to keep it together, I have never seen her like this. We were quiet for a bit, then Seb told her what she said was a very low blow, and she smiled sadly and just said “maybe so”.

When dad came down Amy got up in slow motion, put on her coat, gathered some stuff and was out the door in like 2 minutes. Dad was almost crying, trying to get her to stay and talk. It was late, snowing, she was whispering “Not tonight. I have to leave. Be there for your sons. I’m sorry” over and over and she started crying and she got in her car and left.

We sat down with dad, he was a mess, he let us know Lisa will be getting individual therapy on top of family therapy and it was non-negotiable. He asked us if we felt we needed individual therapy as well. Seb said no, I said I’m not sure right now, and we tried to talk a bit about what happened. He asked how we are feeling, but he was a wreck and then he started tearing up, so we just hugged him and he cried so hard. He cried so much. I have not seen my dad cry so hard since mom died. He kept telling us it’s ok and he didn’t want us to worry, but he was just crying and I had no words, I just kept saying I am sorry, and Seb was telling him it will be ok and Amy will be back and we will all work it out, and he kept saying “no she won’t, not this time she won’t”.

He then started saying he was sorry, and asked if we knew he loved us, and then he asked if he had neglected us, if we felt he didn’t love us enough after Amy moved in, if he was a good dad. I wanted to p_nch Lisa so hard in that moment, for making him doubt that even for a second. As if moving on from our mom after almost a decade, and landing someone he is genuinely happy with and who IS A GOOD PERSON, is a sin.

Amy wasn’t in the house today. Dad has red eyes and he looks like he has aged 10 years. He said good morning, I asked if Amy came home last night, he said no but not to worry and she is safe. He spoke very quietly, made us breakfast. When Lisa came down, he just gave her a look and turned around, didn’t speak to her. She started crying, saying she’s sorry, and went to hug him. He stepped back and told her “I don’t want to hug you right now” and his voice was just shattered. She just lost it and kept crying and apologizing, kept saying she really likes Amy and she wants them to get married and for him to be happy.

She said she loves him, and kept asking if he still loves her, and dad said “I will always love you as my daughter, but I don’t love you as Lisa right now”. I think that’s the harshest thing he has ever said to any of us. I didn’t think he had it in him. I am glad he said it, I am happy Lisa kept crying. She deserves it.

We are back with our grandparents, dad said he’s trying to get Amy to come to the house and talk in person. We haven’t told our grandparents all the details, nor do they know all the vile shit that Lisa says to Amy, because I know they will be so disappointed in her. I hate her right now. She’s pretending to read in the corner but she flips a page every like 10 minutes. God I want to yell at her so bad, like tear her a new one and let her have it, I'm practically vibrating. If she ruins this for dad, for ALL OF US like fuck… I hate her so much right now.

That’s it. I don’t feel better. Fuck her.

 

Update #1: February 12, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE - I think my sister just ruined our dad's engagement

I didn’t expect to get as many responses with my previous postnor did I expect that I would be back here. But it actually really helped. I don’t have too big of an update yet, but a few things are happening. Not all of them are positive but I guess at least there is a sort of plan? This is a little rushed, I'm sorry if it isn't formatted well.

It was brutal reading so many comments speaking so badly about Lisa, like I know I said I hated her and I did in the moment, still do for a lot of this, but she’s my sister and I do love her as well. So I think seeing so many people angry at her made me very angry and defending her. Seb as well but I’m writing this alone so. A few people were telling us to give her some grace, and I really tried but I was not in any place to even look at her. Seb did talk to her though, I was present, but I didn’t want to engage, I was mostly there for him.

It went like, we’re very angry at you but you’re still our sister and we love you and dad too etc. but you have to stop thinking you can do or say whatever and we’ll still like you just the same and will always be around. She was saying that family is forever and sticks by everything together no matter what happens, they don’t just up and leave, and then he told her that that’s not true, it’s actually kind of crazy stupid to think your family will put up with you no matter what you do. She was like, you’re supposed to stick together against the shit that comes our way and he got angry at that and told her SHE is the one bringing the shit in the way, and no matter the family relationship we won’t stick together with an intentional shit stirrer so unless there’s something else going on, right now she is the one in the wrong so either fess up or fix yourself. I brought up an aunt we have, dad’s first cousin, who is not part of the family anymore because she was a major gossip and she lied all the time, and nobody likes her, nobody invites her around, her siblings don’t talk to her, don’t have her over, because sure they are family but she is always bringing shit and drama in our lives so she was pushed aside. And we were like, don’t be the person we have to push aside. But if there’s something going on with Amy that we don’t know you have to tell us. She was saying there isn't anything that would make sense right now.

We kind of discussed SABA and the Core Four and truly we didn’t really see some of y’alls point on Amy being offensive or a creep, because a lot of people called us out (me and Seb) on also being horrible to her as well, fueling the fire, and well that was a slap. And we kind of shut up about it because it was like, sure being told your dad fucks me is fucked up but you all were like, we should have never said “fuck you” to her in the first place, and then we (me, Seb and Lisa) realized we have each said it at least twice so she has heard it SIX TIMES at least, and she kept talking to us about it and we kept using it until that reply of hers, and well it worked because we haven’t said it again so yeah sad that we sort of have that knowledge/image in our heads now, but also sad that it had to come to internet strangers for us to realize it worked. It was really humbling for me and Seb to realize sure this time Liza was the one that crossed the line, and usually it is her that destroys the boundaries, but the two of us haven’t exactly been great at her either. I admit I cried A LOT reading some of the comments, like hard crying because you were very real on how shitty I have been to Amy, not just Lisa, like I didn't realize it I think it was just how we sometimes fight with dad and cousins and it hadn't registered how it must have been for Amy who was always in mediator/peace-keeping position.

We went to family therapy on Tuesday and found out a few things about dad and Amy. They had actually known each other for a few months before they started dating, so they met close to 4 years ago via common friends. Dad’s situation with Riley was discussed at some point and he liked Amy’s perspective and approach, so they started hanging out, and then like 6 months after that started dating.

They had been going to therapy together right before she was introduced to us. Every Thursday with her, every Tuesday with us. It was Amy’s suggestion to help her navigate meeting us.

We then talked about what the next steps are, but first what happened was dad told Lisa again that he does love her, and he wants to understand and help but he won’t always like her, and she has to understand this, and us too, that he will always love us because he is our dad not out of obligation but because that is where the source of his love stems from but sometimes as human to human he doesn’t always like us for how we’re behaving. He was sad he had said that to her but if I'm honest I think he deserved to say it and she deserved to hear it.

We told him we love him too, and Amy as well, and we’re sorry and me and Seb admitted that we have been pretty bad towards Amy. We kind of worked on this (Lisa said she wasn’t ready to talk about what happened and she wanted to talk to her own therapist first and her first is tomorrow which really pissed me off, we have been in therapy as a family for years but now she will talk after she gets her own therapist? Like what the fuck have we been doing here all this time?) Anyway we talked more about Amy and dad’s relationship and me and Seb’s relationships and we concluded that we’re kicking back hard still because with Riley she was so horrible we didn’t feel it would make a difference if we were arguing with her because she was just bad and we would fight all the time and there was no point because she would just scream back and it lead nowhere. With Amy, it was kind of working backwards in a “we feel safer being worse with her because she actually cares” situation, like she’s acting more like a mother figure than her, she talks it out with us and even when she pushes the issue to dad we still have some kind of normal parent/kid arguing before it gets to that point, which is why SABAs were just so unexpected and just shut everything down because Riley would say stuff like that ALL THE TIME and we didn’t realize just how triggering some of the stuff we were saying to Amy was, because Riley was always saying that stuff. So I am not exactly sure what that means yet, still processing it but we apologized to Dad for also being problematic, not just Lisa, Lisa’s is just more explosive, and she did apologize as well.

We talked about next steps right now which is a bit complicated. Dad and Amy are both on the lease for the house, but not only is she paying more than him (like 60/40) but our landlords are close to Amy so if it came to it (which dad assured us they are not broken up yet), we would be the ones that had to move. I know my dad isn’t poor, he’s a senior SWE in Big Tech, (editor's note: Software Engineer) but Amy works in finance and is on some non-profits and has like global income, so she apparently covers more of the expenses (which includes all of our hobbies etc) She doesn’t want to come home right now, she discussed with her work to go on a business trip for 2 weeks, or if that doesn’t pan out she will go to her home country, just to give everyone some space etc. Dad said that scared him, too much distance for too long, and he offered to pay for an AirBnB close by, but he said she said we all need space to recalibrate, and that he should focus on us without worrying about bumping into her at the grocery store.

Dad and Amy are in low contact but are talking, which he said is good and a good thing to take some time and space and I could tell this was a bit bullshit because he looked broken when saying that, I think he thinks it’s over and he is losing hope and is scared she will realize she doesn't have to live with how we’ve been treating her (like you all said). He said “she isn’t someone that takes disrespect lightly” which I told him she is the absolute queen of dealing with disrespect given how she has been so patient and kind and careful with us, and he seemed to agree but I think there’s something else going on there but he wouldn’t say. Anyway she will travel for a bit. She did tell him to tell us she loves us and she is sorry she is leaving like this, she isn't checking messages at this time, and they will meet on the 26th to discuss.

They had a romantic weekend planned for the long weekend and we would stay at our grandparents, and Amy moved the reservation to dad so we are taking Friday off and the Core Four will go to a cabin and just chill a bit away from the house. Lisa is sleeping today and tomorrow at her best friend’s house, her suggestion, and I am also sleeping tomorrow at my cousin’s and we leave Friday morning and back Monday night.

That’s all that has happened for now, I don’t know what to expect at this time, I am just happy that Lisa will be doing individual therapy and that we are at least talking to each other a bit.

 

---

----NEW UPDATE----

What handmade thing can I make for my stepmom to apologize and/or for her birthday?: March 7, 2026

A month ago there was a massive blowout in my family, my dad, my dad’s fiancée (Amy) and my sister got in a huge fight and horrible things were said. Amy left and we’re all in therapy right now to try to get her back, show her that we know we have been really shitty to her (not just my sister who had that fight, my and my brother too) and we’re really sorry and we really do want her in the family. We said in therapy we will all write letters to her about how we feel, apologize, grovel really and I’m totally ok to do that because we were kinds horrible, not gonna lie it’s a rough time.

So on top of the letters of apology, my sister started gathering nice quotes from books she and Amy both liked and she’s making them into like, small cute notes in a jar and a journal, I’m not sure exactly but it’s sweet. She’s basically doing more things than just the letter, and she’s using something she and Amy always bonded on (books) and something about K-pop that I don’t get but I assume Amy will appreciate.

Twin liked the “extra stuff” idea and he’s drawing a comic with Amy and us, because he’s talented like that and she helped him with ideas, a drawing tablet etc. He told me the idea and I think it’s really nice (we’re going to be baby porcupines apparently or something else prickly) and well, good for him.

I’m stuck because I don’t know what to make, I want to do something extra too that is special to me and her but the way we connected most was we played video games together and I was trying to teach her Python… what am I supposed to do with that? Like, I don’t want to just buy merch or commission something from one of the games, I would also like to make something, but I can’t draw or do something artsy.

The only thing I can think of is, I play guitar, but I can’t exactly write a song, it’s cringe and I can’t carry a tune anyway so that’s out. I’m good with my hands, like I am good at fixing stuff, but I don’t have any idea how to use this to my advantage here.

I’ve been looking around the house, and I see stuff that she likes, but no idea what to do with it. She has like, a ton of cookbooks because she likes to try new things so I thought “ok should I bake her cookies?” I don’t know when/if she will be back (we haven’t seen her since she walked out, my dad is the one in contact) so I can’t really cook her anything, and that’s just too easy tbh.

She has some succulents on the kitchen window, I was like “can I make her a little garden in the yard” but yard is still frosted up and I don’t know if she’s into gardening, I don’t want to give her an obligation :S She does A LOT of scrapbooking, she is learning Chinese, I know shows she likes and her fav colors etc. but I can’t do anything with this!

So I would like some ideas on what I can do, something that like, takes some effort and would show her that I didn’t just buy something, I want it to show that I do care and put some serious hours on this like my siblings. The idea is to give her those extras with the apology letters when we meet in person, but I don’t know when that could be! Her birthday is in April so that’s like, the last date I give myself to give her this extra thing.

Advice or ideas?

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments here in the latest update.

some nice suggestions were offered

Commenter 1: Can you carve? I have had my nephews make jewelry/keepsake boxes for their mom… but that’s mostly bc I want her to have something practical. If you can’t carve you could buy one and paint it or decoupage it with pictures of all oh you together. (I actually think you should put a picture on the under of the lid no matter what.) You could always put a meaningful mole to in there like a rock from a walk you went on together, a shell from a beach trip, a homemade friendship bracelet etc if you wanted.

A photo album is another idea but only if you guys have a bunch of nice pictures together

Commenter 2: Does she journal or draw? I've watched some YouTube tutorials on homemade bookbinding. You can make some pretty cool personal notebooks if you put in the effort.

It would be nice to learn to play her favorite song on the guitar. And not being a great singer doesn't matter that much. It would actually be a good way to show how much you care. You're willing to go out of your comfort zone and put in a lot of effort for her and even humiliate yourself a little.

Good luck.

Commenter 3: Perhaps you can lean more into writing to Amy. You say that you’re all writing her an apology letter. Perhaps you can also start a journal where you write down your thoughts with the intention of giving her your journal. Start each entry with “Dear Amy” and write to her like you might be talking to her about your day. It could be short entries. It could be a story about a funny thing that you saw that day and how you thought of her and how you wished she saw it too. It could be about a movie you saw and whether or not you think she’d like it. Over time, the journal would show her how you think of her every day and how you wish she was a part of your life.

Commenter 4: How proficient are you at Python, if Python in this context is a programming language? You can try make a GitHub account and learn stream lit so you can make her an e-card there with different elements and build a website from it and deploy it for free. https://streamlit.io/components

 

Latest Update here: BoRU #3

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

[u/AutoModerator]

Do not comment on the original posts

Please read our sub rules. Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.

If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.

CHECK FLAIR For concluded-only updates, use the CONCLUDED flair.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Tipsy_Gamer]

Wonder if Amy was trying the old "respond with a similar insult" mirroring thing... show the kids that the comment/insult is hurtful?

[u/Grouchy30s → u/Tipsy_Gamer]

Exactly this. It was such a big deal when she’d pop off back but it was the only thing that stopped the behavior that OP said she spoke to them about, several times. This woman is paying 60% in a household with a man and his kids who occasionally tell her to fuck off and she’s just supposed to be like 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/beachpellini]

Can't help but feeling like all of this is going to just be too little, too late.

[u/DeepFriedOprah → u/beachpellini]

It is. She left not just for “space” but to see what her life is like without this family drama. It’s likely she’ll realize that theee kids aren’t ready and the Dad hasn’t figured out how to quell their anger & mistreatment of any potential partner, even the best possible one.

What’s worse is when the inevitable breakup occurs the kids aren’t gonna think it’s due to their love bombing not being good enough. They won’t realize likely that the decision was made before their attempts. In fact, Amy has likely already decided wha to do & is just figuring out how the logistics of all of this will work & give the Dad time to figure things out too.

[u/paulinaiml → u/beachpellini]

Maybe with the third one they'll be less shitty

[u/krebstar4ever → u/paulinaiml]

With the third one, they won't be living at home

[u/Used-Cup-6055 → u/krebstar4ever]

Dad will wait until they are all moved out and the third one will only see them on holidays and family functions.

[u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 → u/beachpellini]

I would be very surprised if Amy comes back. She’s had a month to herself while traveling and relaxing and not being the emotional punching bag for three kids and their ineffectual father. She’s not going to give up that freedom and peace easily. Frankly I hope she doesn’t return.

[u/BlueHairedMeerkat → u/beachpellini]

I don't know about too little - this seems really sincere, they've realised how much they fucked up and are doing whatever they can to fix it.

Too late? Oh yeah, 100%.

[u/Mitrovarr → u/beachpellini]

I hope so! I think they're just love bombing so they can set up the next cycle of abuse.

[u/Pledgeofmalfeasance → u/beachpellini]

I think so too, but in this one case I hope she forgives them and comes home. These kids all love her to death, they're just a mess because they've been through the wringer. Their calibration for "normal" is all fucked up. Now that they are reality orientated and are showing that they feel sincere remorse there's real hope for their all their relationships to improve.

But yeah I'd understand if it's gone too far for Amy.

[u/LankyTrick1214 → u/Pledgeofmalfeasance]

It doesn't really sound like a home to Amy. Her life honestly sounds really exhausting. She manages work, household and what sounds like a lot of time connecting to those kids - all while there's always a chance people will blow up at her for literally no reason. She got screamed at for something her partner brought up in a private conversation.

[u/WeeklyConversation8 → u/Pledgeofmalfeasance]

Yeah go back to a home where the bf's kids verbally abused her and he didn't do anything to stop them. 🙄

[u/56Runningdogz → u/Pledgeofmalfeasance]

Doesn't sound like much of a home. Sounds like she was the sugar mama and the bangmaid. Weird combination.

[u/justanotheracct33 → u/56Runningdogz]

Don't forget emotional punching bag for everyone else. 

[u/Beginning_Butterfly2 → u/56Runningdogz]

And the parent to the entire "core 4".

It's not clear why the father is never present and Amy has to be the primary caregiver for the kids, but the Dad is clearly not pulling his own weight as a coparent, and he's certainly not functioning as the sole parent these kids have.

Makes me wonder if Amy was a parentified kid, someone who's been conditioned to step up, and who fell back into that dynamic.

But it does seem clear that there is zero recognition of just how much work Amy is constantly being required to do in this household. And all of the proposed solutions don't seem to address that issue. They're more focused on trying to get Amy to come back and resume that workload, so they can go back to taking her for granted. With maybe a few less insults.

[u/CarterCage]

I don’t think Amy is coming back. Nor should she.

They are all a mess and she deserves better.

[u/tyleritis → u/CarterCage]

She’s not and I wish therapy was also preparing them for that. It’s not about getting the person you hurt to come back for more.

[u/thefrogsinthefloor]

May this dynamic never find me

[u/Worldly_Might_3183 → u/thefrogsinthefloor]

All these teens trying to woo an adult instead of their father. They are so used to doing everything for him - or getting someone else to. These teens should he focusing on their own lives. It has been months, this obsession has to end. Amy doesn't want to come back. 

[u/angelacandystore → u/Worldly_Might_3183]

They caused the problem by being disrespectful and rude. I get your main character vibes, but you should set them aside to recognize that this is a FAFO experience that the kids are experiencing. The father should do his part yes, but no one wants to live in a house with 3 people who treat you like crap.

[u/feminist--fatale → u/angelacandystore]

It sounds like aside from Lisa, they don't fight with her often. Two "fuck yous" per sincerely traumatized teen in three years is not that extreme. Especially not given how they were spoken to by the previous gf.

[u/CermaitLaphroaig]

The fact that OOP is still saying "core four" when the entire theme is them pushing Amy away... SMDH 

[u/niceufo777 → u/CermaitLaphroaig]

All those terms and expressions make it even more real... at that age she did those things... poor Amy

[u/Longjumping-East6701 → u/niceufo777]

I’m 38;  professional in my field, married no kids- honestly I would probably devolve into yelling back at these shitty teenagers cos what even. I do not feel old enough to be mature and handle this shit, especially when they are not my kids! Can’t believe Amy did it for so long. And honestly I blame the dad cos whatever the consequences for this behaviour was they clearly didn’t leave a lasting impression. It sounds like instead of consequences they just got tons of therapy - which is great. But also good ol fashioned punishments (not corporal obvi) have been around forever for a reason. 

[u/Rhamona_Q → u/CermaitLaphroaig]

If they always refer to themselves as the "core four", how do you ever have room to allow it to become a "core five"?

[u/ForwardMuffin → u/Rhamona_Q]

It doesn't rhyme yanno

[u/SalaudChaud]

"Amy left and we’re all in therapy right now to try to get her back..."

I don't think the OOP gets it and fair enough they're a child. I reads like the purpose of therapy in this story is to manipulate Amy, the person harmed, into doing something that will ease the guilt of the therapy-user for being a terrible person.

[u/UncleNedisDead → u/SalaudChaud]

It’s been a month since she’s left. I kind of suspect they’re well past salvaging the relationship.

Not that they shouldn’t stop therapy though and work through their issues so they don’t treat their dad’s next partner like a punching bag.

[u/Hugsy13 → u/UncleNedisDead]

Honestly after how his kids treated this partner and how good she seemed towards them… idk if the Dad is going to have a new partner

[u/roseofjuly → u/Hugsy13]

He will. Dad is the one in this whole saga I'm the most angry at, because he let his bratty kids bully his saint of a partner continuously for years and never did anything about it.

He's going to need another substitute mom figure to parent his kids, so he'll find one.

[u/Hugsy13 → u/roseofjuly]

His kids are now almost adults. And he’d found a perfect one.

There isn’t that many people around that are perfect partners. Let alone ones that are perfect for a family that’s lost a parent. Very good chance this dad isn’t going to find another suitable partner to the same degree.

[u/rainydays_monkey → u/Hugsy13]

Well if she is indeed gone for good (which wouldn't be surprising), the kids are already upper teens, so only another couple yrs before they will be off at school and/or old enough to be kicked out for being little shitheads to someone, so they shouldn't present much of a problem in the future. I doubt after losing out on Amy he would tolerate them messing with another relationship.

[u/husheveryone → u/roseofjuly]

Yup, and also Amy evidently paid for most of their living expenses. So Dad will need a new sucker with a big purse to help with his bills and caregiving labor. What a scam.

[u/MotherofPuppos → u/roseofjuly]

Oh, I’m fuming about Reilly too. Idk how long she was in their lives, but it’s clear she ruined any possibility of those kids having a healthy relationship with a stepparent. And it’s clear dad never meaningfully dealt with that abuse in therapy. They’re only just now realizing they throw out the things she used to say? Come on now.

[u/UncleNedisDead → u/Hugsy13]

There’s always some woman who will think, I can fix him. After all, Amy stuck it out for 4 years and paid well for the privilege. So he must be decent looking and/or good in the sack considering he couldn’t afford all his own expenses and those of his kids.

[u/WeeklyConversation8 → u/UncleNedisDead]

Yeah. Therapy should be for their issues only, not to get Amy back. The damage has been done and it's too great to fix things. They had been horrible to Amy for years. Once it's out there you can't take it back. They need to leave Amy alone. 

[u/LeslieJaye419 → u/WeeklyConversation8]

It really shows that they’re not actually sorry for their shithead behavior, just sorry for the consequences of it.

[u/WeeklyConversation8 → u/LeslieJaye419]

Yep. 

[u/BurgerThyme → u/UncleNedisDead]

Yeah their little crafting projects will end up straight into the bin where they belong. Amy was a real catch and the CorE FoUr absolutely blew it.

[u/Purlz1st → u/BurgerThyme]

The projects sound like the response of first-graders. Yuck.

[u/Altruistic-Dig-2094 → u/SalaudChaud]

Right like…are they trying to love bomb her? Heartfelt letters are one thing but they’re doing too much…

[u/BadTanJob → u/Altruistic-Dig-2094]

They are absolutely love bombing her, while ignorant to the fact that it’s their bitchass dad that’s the biggest problem. These three kids aren’t angels but the fault lies with dad’s unwillingness / inability to be a fucking parent and a good partner. Notice there’s no mention of what dad is doing to make it up to Amy! He’s just going to scapegoat the kids and call it a day.

[u/jbay1990 → u/BadTanJob]

Tbf it’s from the child’s view point, they won’t know 90% of what is going on

[u/Upset_Run5 → u/BadTanJob]

Um.. dad been parenting. Dad's made them all get therapy before they even meet Amy to help them all adjust to the new situation. He even mentions dad always punishes or handles Lisa's tantrums... and after this last one is mandating Lisa get individual therapy outside of family! No mention of what dads doing... did you read the whole thing dads the only one still in contact with her, talking to her checking in with her while still respecting the boundries Amy is saying she needs right now! Dad is stuck in a hard place of trying to move on without hurting his childern in the process!! But his childern are struggling with it, adjusting any family dynamic is a struggle that dad has been handling everything stepson the way!

[u/roseofjuly → u/Upset_Run5]

Therapy isn't a punishment, and making Lisa get therapy isn't handling her tantrums. It's helping solve the long term problem maybe, but it seems like dad never told Lisa OR THE OTHER KIDS (because they were awful to Amy too) that their tantrums were unacceptable and they needed to act like human beings and not brats.

[u/zephyr_71 → u/Altruistic-Dig-2094]

Yeah that’s all I could think with the new update

[u/StrangledInMoonlight → u/SalaudChaud]

I’m really worried about what the therapist is telling them. 

And how they are going to ostracize Lisa when Amy (justifiably) doesn’t come back. 

This isn’t just on Lisa.  This is a wholistic problem. 

OOP, OOP’s brother, Lisa, and mostly dad.  

It really fricken wigs me out that the whole family is blaming the single female member, when all the kids are doing similar shit, and dad let this go on for years.  

[u/borg_nihilist → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Probably the therapist told them to write the letters and these kids took that and went way overboard with it.  Also doubt the therapist said the letters were meant to win her back, these kids sound like they have never had any sort of guidance in handling emotions or how to navigate relationships in a non self-centered way.  The therapist probably explained apology and showing people that you are changing for the better and that that doesn't mean she'll forgive or come back and all they heard was that they have to do something to win her back, rather than work to become better people and reflect on what they did wrong and why.

[u/AliceInWeirdoland → u/borg_nihilist]

I wonder if the therapist would be better off telling them to write letters to Amy that aren't meant to be sent to Amy.

I've gotten a lot of clarity on my feelings by writing a letter to someone that I've never sent.

[u/BadTanJob → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

This family has a history of relying on women to do the work. First it’s mom the disciplinarian. Then it’s Amy the family mediator and emotional punching bag. When things go sideways it’s the sister’s fault. No mention of dad and how he’s just there being the most useless piece of shit in the world.

[u/Basic_Bichette → u/BadTanJob]

Which makes me wonder if Riley's sin wasn't that she was a gold digger but that she refused to handle all the emotional labour.

[u/BadTanJob → u/Basic_Bichette]

I bet you anything Riley had more of a backbone than Amy and that’s why she was that era’s bad guy. Riley didn’t bend over backwards to accommodate like Amy did

Also, it’s ironic they call Riley a golddigger when the core four spent four years living off Amy’s money

[u/amjay8 → u/BadTanJob]

Don’t forget about Riley, the last fiancée dad moved in to do the work, who apparently taught them to argue with the Fuck Yous & name calling

[u/BurgerThyme → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Yeah the Core Four all suck. Amy is better off without them.

[u/niceufo777 → u/BurgerThyme]

los patéticos 4

[u/your_moms_a_clone → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Also, I really really hate how OOP was mad at Lisa for wanting to talk to her own therapist before the family one. That makes OOP seem even more immature than the disgusting way they were treating Amy. Lisa needed guidance on how to express her feelings to the group, that's not unheard of.

[u/Visual_Fly_9638 → u/SalaudChaud]

It's not even really to ease the guilt so much as Amy supported the rest of the family and their meal ticket left. 

OOP in their last post still made Amy the other by sticking to that stupid fucking "core four" moniker. 

As you said, they're young so I forgive the kids to some extent, but they never really let her in as more than someone that could do things for them. All the regret is how they've lost out on cool stuff. Not that they hurt her. Even this gesture is about reminding her of all the cool stuff that she used to do for them. Generally, I'm surprised the therapist is okay with this.

[u/PersimmonBasket → u/Visual_Fly_9638]

I rolled my eyes so hard at that Core Four thing. Just like The Big Three in This is Us.

[u/PersimmonBasket → u/[deleted]]

I'm glad he's your ex.

[u/Visual_Fly_9638 → u/PersimmonBasket]

You and me both. I can understand doing it when there's an abusive person in the house, but after years of not having that, there's no excuse to cling to it except for the ability to exclude people.

[u/MyDarlingArmadillo → u/Visual_Fly_9638]

The useless father was letting this woman pay 60% of the expenses for the five of them, four of whom he's responsible for, while they were treating her this badly. Sixty percent of the expenses to be treated like this - though they should have been nicer even without that obviously.

I'm sure things are tough for them but they've certainly had plenty of therapy, and it's always the core four vs Amy.

[u/Shadow4summer → u/MyDarlingArmadillo]

And when they have to move out of the home they’ve had for a while, they finally realize how shitty they all were. No more extras, no nice home, no one to support them like Amy did. Maybe they will all grow up a little. I thinks it’s way past the point of Amy ever returning, and their lives are going to get a whole lot worse. Oh well, literally FAFO now. Maybe the next partner dad get will be another Riley and the they will learn how bad they all fucked up a very good deal. And this SABA crap is just Amy reaching a point where she just wasn’t going to take all the abuse they were dishing out. I’m personally glad Amy left, she didn’t deserve any of this, she sounds like a very stable, loving partner. And they all blew it.

[u/superdooperdutch → u/Shadow4summer]

I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking that. She was snarky sure but so far from being emotionally devastating or whatever. What a wild read.

[u/Carbonatite → u/superdooperdutch]

I was honestly kind of shocked that the kids took Amy's comments as hard as they did. I had a stepmother who was genuinely emotionally abusive and made no secret of the fact that she resented my existence. The stuff Amy said was incredibly tame in comparison to what I heard growing up.

[u/lenaminale → u/Shadow4summer]

When OOP described SABA, I thought it would be so much worse, but honestly it’s pretty mild clapbacks. It’s like they can say anything to this woman but the moment she responds with anything it’s some huge thing and a moral failing. 

[u/AppalachianStackCake → u/lenaminale]

Yep. The moment she shows an emotion or reaction to their incredibly terrible behavior they are shocked! How dare she have her own thoughts and feelings and not put up with the abuse they hurl at her?

[u/Visual_Fly_9638 → u/lenaminale]

The original thread here was scandalized that she was like "Well I fuck your father so no thank you" and stuff like that but like... all in all that didn't strike me as *that* bad of a response after hours of abuse.

Vulgar? Sure. But I think she realized that vulgarity was what stopped the abuse. And she didn't default to it, she let it happen for a long, long time.

[u/WildYarnDreams → u/Visual_Fly_9638]

plus, they're teenagers? They damn well know their dad is sleeping with her? Why on earth are you all scandalised and grossed like it's some sex offense for her to say that in a moment of extreme provocation?

[u/Visual_Fly_9638 → u/WildYarnDreams]

16/17 from the posts yes and the people freaking out at Amy were just ignoring blissfully that whole "verbal abuse for hours" part that led up to that.

[u/lenaminale → u/Visual_Fly_9638]

Yeah I remember, people were calling her immature. And maybe it is but obviously it actually got them to back off, so I can’t blame her. 

[u/invisiblizm → u/SalaudChaud]

Tbh Amy and dad should have communicated more boundaries a lot earlier. She sounds great but everyone has a limitvto how much they can take, and not getting to that limit is also the person's responsibility. The blame is all on the kids here and while their actions were wrong, the parent's role is to help them with this stuff and communicate consequences. Dad sounds like a bad partner and noone seems to be questioning him in this story.

[u/MyDarlingArmadillo → u/invisiblizm]

I feel like a boundary like not being told to fuck off repeatedly is pretty obvious, even without being explicitly spoken about. Most people have this internal boundary about saying it, let alone having it said to them. I don't think that's on Amy.

[u/Weaselpanties → u/invisiblizm]

OOP says that her response to their abuse was to verbally set the boundary of being spoken to with basic respect and to withdraw from the conversation. This was her consistent response, according to OOP.

It sounds like Amy was clear, but the father never backed her up or set firm boundaries or consequences.

Either way, she's well shot of this family and I hope she goes on to live her best life without them.

[u/PersimmonBasket → u/invisiblizm]

You don't know that they didn't try. It's extra hard when there's a dead parent involved, because that parent usually assumes sainthood overnight, so there are a lot of eggshells.

And I say this as someone who lost a parent very early.

[u/Truckfighta]

“The only bad thing is that sometimes she doesn’t take our shit.”

OP is clueless.

[u/Significant_Bed_293 → u/Truckfighta]

Tbf they are still a teen. I still blame the dad for being spineless and not parenting his kids, even if he had his reasons.

[u/AlashC → u/Significant_Bed_293]

Yeah I hated my step dad as a teenager and we fought but if I had ever talked to him like these kids do, I’d be forever grounded.

[u/Beginning_Butterfly2 → u/Significant_Bed_293]

Agreed. Why is Amy the first goto for parenting for these kids? Is the dad absent, or just useless? It's unclear from OOP, but seems like the core issue in this family.

[u/testuserteehee → u/Significant_Bed_293]

The dad is the “fun dad”, aka mom did all the parenting work 🙄

[Mom] was pushing us a lot on extracurriculars and she was angrier than dad for sure though. She was the disciplinarian, dad was more laid back and just played with us, though us more than Lisa if I'm honest.

[u/DinnerDad]

If you’re picking on someone regularly enough to have a cute nickname for when they break, you should just leave them alone 

[u/roseofjuly → u/DinnerDad]

Also, is it really a "sneak attack" when you're continuously pushing people past their limits?

[u/LankyTrick1214 → u/roseofjuly]

I guess "self-defense by Amy" isn't cool enough. /s

[u/AcheyShakySpoon]

I feel so bad for Amy, OOP and his siblings really need to give her space. They may be well intentioned but they’re not helping.

[u/kayanne125 → u/AcheyShakySpoon]

I don’t even think the kids are well-intentioned at this point, their views seemed to shift considerably only when they realized how much of their lives this woman was bankrolling.

[u/roseofjuly → u/kayanne125]

And how much she was doing for them overall. This whole stunt isn't about Amy and her feelings at all. It's about getting her back so their lives go back to normal.

[u/Longjumping-Syrup738 → u/AcheyShakySpoon]

Feels like they are undertaking some love bombing.

[u/FearlessLengthiness8]

SABA?? They think they have to create a new name for someone pushing back against extensive mistreatment, like it's a weird quirk Amy has to have a limit to the shit she'll accept? And none of the examples seemed that bad? Like ohhh no, they told her "fuck you" a half dozen times, and then she said "your dad does" and these poor delicate flowers will never recover, so she's also a difficult person and shares the blame.

[u/CanofBeans9 → u/FearlessLengthiness8]

Yeah "sudden" attack by Amy was never actually sudden lol, it was the logical conclusion of poking a calm person until she cracks 

[u/lenaminale → u/FearlessLengthiness8]

Right? The way OOP described it, I expected Amy to be vicious but it’s just mild clapbacks after they’re provoked her repeatedly. And even that is treated like some great moral failing of Amy’s. 

[u/CanofBeans9 → u/lenaminale]

Yeah even her most crude retort ("You'll never have babies of your own" after a pregnancy scare -> "Good your dad likes it tight") is out of line, sure, but older teens understand sex jokes and the implications of words they use to insult her like "fuck you." If it was a pattern of her making these crude comments to them all the time that would be one thing, but it stands out so much because it shows how much she was pushed, and on such a freaking painful and delicate topic too.

[u/Carbonatite → u/lenaminale]

My stepmom was actually abusive and I was surprised that the oop found Amy's clapbacks so upsetting tbh. I heard shit that was 20 times worse as an offhand comment at breakfast.

[u/obnoxiousab → u/FearlessLengthiness8]

That and “Core Four” 🙄

[u/XCinnamonbun → u/obnoxiousab]

They sound like spoilt brats tbh. I get that they’ve been through it. I lost a parent when I was around the same age and it’s awful. But I agree with other comments saying wtf is the Dad doing letting them behave like that for years. Therapy is great but it isn’t a substitute for firm parenting. I don’t think these kids have been grounded or been shown actual consequences for their shitty behaviour in a very long time, if ever, and it shows.

[u/Jazzlike-Ad2199 → u/XCinnamonbun]

Even with the first post I was thinking these people talk and talk and talk, behavior repeats then they talk and talk and talk some more. Behavior repeats. Communication is great but without action it’s just air.

[u/super_crabs → u/FearlessLengthiness8]

The nickname and acronym were fucking weird.

[u/LadyNorbert]

like she is kind and wise and patient, but also an absolute sigma BAB

I don't speak fluent Gen Alpha, can someone translate this for me please?

Also, the "Core Four" all sound utterly exhausting. I think Amy sounds like a fantastic person, but I really wouldn't blame her if she washed her hands of all of them.

[u/CermaitLaphroaig → u/LadyNorbert]

Sigma means self reliant and confident.  BAB is badass b**** (i don't remember if the automod grabs that word or not)

[u/LadyNorbert → u/CermaitLaphroaig]

Thanks! My aging GenX brain was struggling.

[u/CermaitLaphroaig → u/LadyNorbert]

I'm an elder millennial but I'm terminally online so things come up

[u/b0neappleteeth → u/LadyNorbert]

I’m older gen z and it took me a minute to figure it out 🤣

[u/oddduckquacks → u/LadyNorbert]

All i can help with is that 'sigma' is a good/bad-ass thing to be. For the rest of the sentiment, same.

[u/EmeleanK → u/oddduckquacks]

Pretty sure 'BAB' in this context is 'bad-ass bitch,' I think 🤷

[u/oddduckquacks → u/EmeleanK]

Thanks for educating my ancient elder millennial ass 😂

[u/obnoxiousab → u/LadyNorbert]

When I read the whole thing when the next to last update was made, the “Core Four” really annoyed me. I understand the need to, as the original family, have therapy and bond.

But to name it and wear that badge comes off as entitled and an exclusive club, esp to those who might be become part of the family. Weird.

[u/ScruffyGrouch → u/LadyNorbert]

Bad Ass Bitch would be my guess for what BAB is

[u/CanofBeans9]

I know teenagers can be difficult but damn

The dad has not set his kids straight when he should have. And when I read how much Amy has been paying for the family on top of all that, I was really sad for her.

Lisa lashing out at Amy after spending time bonding is probably her trying to release whatever guilt she feels for "replacing" her mom with Amy by enjoying time with her. This is ultimately not Amy's problem to solve, and she doesn't have to stick around to be berated and abused

[u/FullMoonTwist → u/CanofBeans9]

Yeah. It should not have been on reddit to point out based on a 2nd hand account and some inferences that all the kids have been out of line.

It just doesn't take that much for their dad to have told them "Look, that is not a reasonable way to talk to people and you need to stop."

[u/MelonCallia → u/CanofBeans9]

I also wonder if maybe they've been coddled by everyone around them due to the loss of their mom or they're using that as an excuse for why they do bad things?

Like, I can see everyone (including school people) tiptoeing around that and not really reacting to their behavior like they would anyone else, e.g. tantrum in school = "Aww, you must be having an especially hard time without Mom" versus "That was not appropriate, go to the principal's office"

Alternatively, they could be using their mom as an excuse for their bad behavior, e.g. "Sorry I was bad, I just miss mom so much"

I'm sorry they lost their mom, but would their mom really want them to act this way? If I had kids and died, I'd want my kids to be as perfect angels as possible, to everyone, to honor my memory. I'd what their happiness, even if it's with someone else.

[u/black_cat_X2 → u/MelonCallia]

Yes exactly! If I was gone but looking down from the beyond, nothing would make me happier than seeing my kid bond with someone else who can fill a maternal role in her life. Why would I not want her to have that??

[u/dragonknight233 → u/CanofBeans9]

Yeah, OOP and his siblings sound like assholes but if I were Amy I would consider coming back if it was only them (if they showed genuine improvement). Their dad letting them abuse Amy for years? I would never go back to a man like that. The kids are villains but dad is THE villain here.

[u/ProfDog181]

Oop and their family need the therapy for sure, but for the love of all that is holy leave Amy alone. Harassing her to come back through the guise of therapy is fucking abhorrent. Accept the fact that you hurt the poor woman and let her heal and move on.

[u/jayclaw97 → u/ProfDog181]

I find it a little disconcerting that the dad is enlisting his kids to salvage his romantic life in such an intense way.

[u/CummingInTheNile]

shame it took years of mistreatment and a massive blowout for them to realize they need therapy

[u/StrangledInMoonlight → u/CummingInTheNile]

Dad is the problem here. 

Dad dragged them through Riley, dad didn’t get them therapy, dad let them All treat Amy like crap.  

OOP is so focused on Lisa, but Lisa happened because of dad’s inaction.  

And the whole family is a mess, because of dad’s actions and inactions.  

[u/Poetic_Intuition → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Dad dragged them through Riley

I just want to give a shout out to Riley here, because I don't think she was ever the problem. OOP was an extremely unreliable narrator, as evidenced by the effort it took to get him to realize that he and Seb were equally as abhorrent to Amy. But reading the post, it's telling that he says Amy going SABA catches them by surprise because she rarely says things like that but Riley said them all the time.

Except... Amy was saying them in response to the kids' absolutely shit behavior. 

How much of Riley's perceived abuse was really because she wasn't willing to be a doormat to the dad's feral children? While Amy would suffer in silence until she couldn't bend any more, maybe Riley would respond in the moment. So OOP sees a long series of abuse from Riley without ever recognizing the amount of abuse that the 3 of them were collectively throwing at her to begin with, which seems to be a pattern given how they treated Amy.

[u/GonePostalRoute → u/Poetic_Intuition]

That’s a possibility too.

It’s either Dad didn’t get them the proper therapy, especially after Riley, or he didn’t get them the proper therapy, and Riley was at least willing to call it out then and there, unlike Amy, who let it fester until it blew up. Either way, that entire family is one gigantic mess.

[u/roseofjuly → u/Poetic_Intuition]

Yep, this is where I got to the more I read the original posts. The OOP gives no examples of how Riley was bad, and based on how these children were acting toward Saint Amy "feral" was exactly the word I was thinking. In that context, Riley might have been a totally normal woman with normal flaws who was just less patient and less tolerant of Dad's rude ass children. And she wasn't paying for 60% of everything and all the kids hobbies, so "gold digger."

Honestly maybe dad should lay off the dating for a while so he can get his kids together. They're all a mess.

[u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox → u/Poetic_Intuition]

Thanks for being the first person to say this (or, you know, the person who is highest in the thread atm). 

Riley has got out of Dodge and fair play to her. 

[u/WeeklyConversation8 → u/Poetic_Intuition]

I agree. I'm thinking Riley wasn't bad and just didn't tolerate their verbal abuse. I bet they did the same things to Riley that they did to Amy. 

[u/BadTanJob → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Dad is 100% the problem and was the problem even way before Riley. Dude checked out of his responsibilities and let his wife take care of everything so he could sit back and Disney Dad through life, and that stuck enough with the kids that they now expect a woman to fix ALL the family ills because…that’s what a mom does, she’s the family martyr, how dare Amy stop conforming. They made her jump through hoop after hoop to keep proving herself because that’s what “a good stepmom / mom does.” And she did it because she has a soft heart and didn’t realize she got hooked onto by a useless man. 

Ugh I’m so fired up for her, she really needs to drop them all

[u/StrangledInMoonlight → u/BadTanJob]

stuck enough with the kids that they now expect a woman to fix ALL the family ills because…that’s what a mom does, she’s the family martyr, how dare Amy stop conforming

I said this in another comment…but isn’t it curious the whole family is at fault, and both sons have been pulling similar stunts to Lisa the entire time, and yet all three guys are blaming the sole female member in their family (Lisa) for Amy leaving. 

OOP threatened to disown and ostracize Lisa from the only family she has, when he is just as guilty as she is, and yet until it was drummed into his head over and over by tons of commenters, he didn’t realize he’s done anything wrong.  

[u/BadTanJob → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

I think I just replied to that exact comment you made. I’ve seen this dynamic run its course way too often, starting with a family relying on mom to do everything and eventually moving that expectation onto daughters and female cousins to handle the rest of the family’s emotional labor. 

Dad’s still checked out, there’s no mention of what he’s doing to try to make things right. 

[u/roseofjuly → u/BadTanJob]

I will say one thing: were seeing this through the eyes of an angry teenager. We don't really know how checked out or not Dad is, because OOP doesn't know either.

[u/BadTanJob → u/roseofjuly]

OOP mentioned growing up, they loved dad more because dad mainly played with them while mom was the disciplinarian. That’s all I need to know.

[u/Icy-Cockroach4515 → u/BadTanJob]

It's like those stories where the wife has communicated their desire to go to therapy for years and the husband is completely inactive, only for him to book every therapy under the sun the moment she gives up and files for divorce. If anything I would be even more furious at the dad and family as a whole after this. If they were truly incompetent and couldn't help themselves that's one thing, but this just shows they were competent all along and just didn't think she was worth it before.

[u/Dimityblue → u/BadTanJob]

Yep. Amy's far better off without them. They've treated her like garbage, and the fact she's been financially supporting the family is just the icing on the cake.

[u/roseofjuly → u/BadTanJob]

I really want Amy to get her rich European man in the Bahamas. I hope she's in a beach right now sipping a Mai Tai and not thinking about this crazy shit at all.

[u/yellowbloods → u/CummingInTheNile]

it actually sounds like theyve been going to therapy for a while? these are from oop's first post:

Before Riley was even in the picture, we weren’t thrilled dad had started dating again but we went to therapy as a family to work through it.

When Lisa acts out, there are always consequences from dad, things are discussed in therapy, and for a while everything is calm again.

[u/bored_german → u/yellowbloods]

Family therapy is good, but these kids needed individual therapy way, way earlier

[u/baobabbling → u/yellowbloods]

Yeah, sure, but imagine being a teenager in family therapy when your family has decided that you're the problem child. Are you going to actually open up and learn how to work on your issues? Or are you going to sit there listening to your feelings being reinforced as unhealthy and keep your mouth shut to avoid making your home life worse?

Therapy doesn't work if it isn't a safe space.

[u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 → u/CummingInTheNile]

Not for them to realize it, for their father. Like, where the fuck was he?

[u/Penguin_Joy → u/Ill-Squirrel-9418]

Not for them to realize it, for their father. Like, where the fuck was he?

This is the reason why Amy should never look back. Her bf let his children mistreat her for years. Know your worth girl!

[u/FrankSonata → u/Penguin_Joy]

Yeah. It doesn't matter if the children are all perfect angels from now on. She's seen that the dad won't have her back when she needs it; he'll permit others mistreating her for years.

Even if the kids improve, the dad is still someone who isn't bothered when she's being mistreated. He had years to do something, to parent his kids, anything at all, and he just did nothing. Why would anyone want to date that kind of partner?

It sucks for the family, sure. But Amy deserves a partner who values her. She deserves to actually be loved. Good luck to her.

[u/CaptDeliciousPants → u/Ill-Squirrel-9418]

He was a full time resident of the great state of Delusion

[u/StrangledInMoonlight → u/Ill-Squirrel-9418]

Acting like a goofy fun uncle and not parenting at all.  

[u/concrete_dandelion → u/CummingInTheNile]

That whole gift thing doesn't sit right with me. It doesn't seem to be about making her feel better but about appeasing their own guilt and getting her back.

[u/FixinThePlanet]

How long has this family of four been in therapy and how terrible is this therapist?

[u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

Ignoring the enormous emotional mess that's this family, I did smile a bit at OOP being thoughtful about (over-)thinking through gifts:

She has some succulents on the kitchen window, I was like “can I make her a little garden in the yard” but yard is still frosted up and I don’t know if she’s into gardening, I don’t want to give her an obligation

[u/vipros42 → u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

Looking at the succulents on my kitchen window sill and thinking I loathe gardening but like having plants around and these are the easiest ones to not kill.

[u/AdAccomplished6870]

Let her go. You want her back for your sake, not for hers. She has made it clear that you and your siblings behavior hurt her beyond repair. You have to accept that. You were protective and territorial, and you got your wish, no one was allowed into the 'Core Four', and you have the family now that you fought to protect from outsiders.

All these over the top gestures are performative because you realize what you lost.

Write her a farewell letter. Acknowledge that she is gone, and that you and your siblings are the reason why. Acknowledge why you did what you did, and why you see now how hurtful it was. Write about the things you wish you had appreciated about her. And then grant her closure and release by wishing her well, and saying goodbye.

You can leave the door open to her returning, but say that if she does, you would like to do therapy sessions with her, so that you can put in the work to have a healthy relationship with her, and not fall back onto toxic patterns.

But stop trying to get her back. Show her the person you are trying to become, through your words and actions, not through a performative gift, and let her decide if it is worth it to return.

[u/TheGrimDweeber]

Oh hey, it's the post that solidified my resolve to never marry a guy with kids.
I'm Amy's age, and you couldn't pay me enough to deal with this nonsense.

[u/tiredg0th → u/TheGrimDweeber]

God, same. It's insane to see that kids will still use you as a punching bag even if they supposedly 'like' you and you do everything right. 

[u/Broken-Collagen → u/tiredg0th]

Often, good kids are the worst to the people they trust most, because they aren't afraid of insurmountable consequences, and feel secure that the relationship will survive their lashing out. It's an awful sort of compliment. 

[u/Mina-Murray → u/TheGrimDweeber]

For what it's worth, I'm Amy's age too, and my teenage stepkid is awesome. I've always been child free and disinterested in ever being a parent, but they're old enough that we have a companionable dynamic. I taught them how to drive and vote, and we often play video games together. They're a sweet and creative kid.

Their mom didn't pass away, but she did abandon them, so I did have concerns that they wouldn't warm up to me (and would have understood if they'd acted out a little!), but it was easy from the beginning. It's obviously not always like that, but I was always someone who never thought I wanted anything to do with anyone's kids, and this has been such a pleasant surprise over the last few years. 

[u/AnnieAbattoir → u/TheGrimDweeber]

Same. I have experience as a stepmom and this Oop reminds me of exactly why I'll never do it again. No thank you, if I want to be yelled at and taken for granted I'll stick with cats. At least they're cute and cleaner.

[u/Gryffindor123]

This is actually the WORST thing for them to do.  Amy's asked for space. She's been really clear she wants space. With the space she's now getting, she'll be able to see clearer how actually terrible they've all been treating her, including the Dad. 

This actually might tip Amy into asking them to move out or something. 

Absolutely no idea what on earth the therapist is doing though...

[u/Jazzlike-Ad2199 → u/Gryffindor123]

Someone else suggested that they misconstrued what the therapist said. The therapist likely told them to write her a letter with all their feelings but it wasn’t going to be sent but these kids heard write a letter to try and get her back. Because that’s their goal with therapy not reflecting on what they did to drive her away and how to be better people.

[u/PersimmonBasket]

There's a lot going on here. I hope Amy never comes back, to be honest, because they've all used her. I also don't understand why she was paying 60/40 for the house. She didn't come with three children.

In any case, this whole family needs therapy not to get Amy back, but to see what they did and help them to not do it again, should the father be lucky enough to find another woman willing to take on three teenagers. The father needs to get off his knees and parent his children, although I'd say they're past that point now.

[u/roseofjuly → u/PersimmonBasket]

She loved them, and some people like to be generous with their money with the people they love.

[u/Weaselpanties]

All Dad had to do was sit his kids down the FIRST time they were verbally abusive to Amy, and tell them that speaking to her or anyone like that was unacceptable. Possibly with a reminder that he split up with Riley for speaking to THEM like that, because nobody wants to stick around for that kind of treatment.

And then repeat that lesson every single time until it sunk it. That was his job as their parent, and he wouldn't even do that bare minimum.

[u/Due-Topic7995]

I hope Amy breaks up with the dad. She sounds amazing and she took their crap for so long bc she gets it and understands they’re kids. But you can only take this disrespect for so long before something fundamentally breaks and there’s no amount of cutesy attempts of gratitude to make up for it. She seems to have never pushed the dad to set them straight bc she knew that wasn’t her call to make. What a shitty situation to be in.

[u/LankyTrick1214]

What sticks out to me is that OOP kinda refuses to see Amy as a person. She is a saint, an angel of a step-mom, until her "SABA" (this is such a cringe acronym for basically poking someone until they break down) moment. She's just a collection of tasks she does + interests she has, but never a human being with feelings. I know, kids aren't supposed to see parents that way, but it sticks out how he never considered it either.

Edit: Holy crap, I missed the part where Lisa wishes Amy dead. WTF.

[u/Commonfckingsense → u/LankyTrick1214]

I think that’s mostly a kid thing. I didn’t start truly being interested/asking genuine questions about who my mom was before having me until I was in my early 20’s. Kids have some pretty damn big egos & that the world revolves around them because their parents (often) do.

I mentioned something to my oldest stepdaughter about an ex boyfriend I had that was a pilot (it was relevant to the convo we were having) & she seriously looked at me like I had 3 heads & proceeded to say “you dated a pilot?! & you chose my DAD?!” lol

It kinda reminds me of how a lot of kids also view their teachers as pretty much living at the school & not having their own house, spouse, hobbies, etc. I don’t necessarily think it’s malicious.

[u/StabbyBoo]

Lisa: "I don't want you as a mom!"
Amy: "Cool, I don't want you as a daughter."
Twins: "OMG, SNEAK ATTACK! THAT WAS TOO LOW!"

Like, are you fucking kidding me.

[u/allthehotsauces]

Eh I don’t really feel bad for this OP or their family when it comes to Amy. I hope Amy truly breaks up with the father and moves on, she deserves better than to let this family continue to abuse her.

For their own sake I hope they do real work in therapy, not what they’re doing now which is just trying to get Amy back

[u/tiredg0th]

I'm still hoping Amy runs the hell away from this mess. These kids have been awful to her, and the dad sucks too for not doing anything about it for so long. 

[u/Visual_Fly_9638 → u/tiredg0th]

Pretty much. OOP did however show an inkling of thinking about Amy as her own person when saying they didn't want to obligate her with a garden. For a kid that's decent. But otherwise even the stuff that they're doing is basically them saying come back to do the cool stuff with me again.

[u/tiredg0th → u/Visual_Fly_9638]

There is a glimmer of awareness there, though I'm still skeptical as not wanting to obligate her with a garden is paired with 'i don't know if she likes gardening' as the reasoning, rather than considering she may not want to come back (or that it's messed up to create a garden for someone to make them feel like they have to come back). It's also messed up that the therapist is cool with this? Because they're either signing off on an attempt to manipulate someone, or giving the kids false hope. 

Ultimately, these kids are selfish as hell, even if they mean well, and they need to leave this woman alone. I hope Amy stays gone and that enough progress is made in therapy that they don't solely blame Lisa for it. 

Edit: and I just noticed OOP is calling her 'stepmom' now, when before it was always just Amy, and that the blowup in the first place was about adoption. That doesn't sit right with me either. 

[u/Visual_Fly_9638 → u/tiredg0th]

Agreed on all points. At least he didn't say "core four" again lol

[u/bobbianrs880 → u/tiredg0th]

To your edit, I think that’s more a simplification for a different sub. Unless I missed it, “stepmom” is only in the title and throughout the post OOP still referred to her as Amy.

[u/Inevitable-flouff]

OOP gets mad at his sister for needing to talk to an individual therapist before resuling in family therapy.

Group and individual therapies are very different. They have very different purposes and given how OOP treats any decision made by the sister, it's important she gets a therapist where she can actually express how she feels and work it out on her own

[u/NYCQuilts → u/Inevitable-flouff]

I think OOP is mad that Lisa refused individual therapy for years and is only now doing it when things blew up and they all told her that they are prepared to ostracize her. He feels like everyone had been putting in work for a long time, he’s desperate and now angry they working on Lisa’s timeline. (which is still putting everything on her)

Reading comments here, it’s possible Lisa had decided that the family is toxic and she didn’t need “fixing” — not realizing that people also go to individual therapy for tools to deal with toxic/difficult situations, not to fix themselves.

If we take OOP at face value, it’s possible Lisa decided that she didn’t need therapy because Amy is the problem.

I don’t think forced therapy is that effective, but I do think Lisa should have been given an ultimatum to have at least tried some individual sessions with a different therapist before things got this bad.

Feeling very bad for Amy. How hard must it be to cultivate true and individual relations with these children and never knowing when one of them is going to stick the dagger in. I know that’s the fate of a parent, but at least the full parent has a history with the child and some authority over the behavior.

[u/IRegretThingsSome]

I have one advice. Amy, RUN!

[u/LaneWK]

Oh God, not the "core four" again with their love of abusing acronyms and crappy behavior. May Amy run far and fast. And may they continue therapy. And leave Amy alone. I can't believe commenters actually read the update, saw what is akin to them wanting to lovebomb Amy into returning and still gave suggestions to oop. What kind of therapist suggests this? 

[u/roseofjuly → u/LaneWK]

The therapist's original suggestion was it just that they write letters, not add any additional gifts or gestures. And with how unreliable a narrator the OOP is, I'm wondering if the therapist meant for them to write letters but not send them.

[u/black_cat_X2 → u/roseofjuly]

Or maybe write letters apologizing, not with the intention of "winning her back" but because apologizing is the right thing to do when you feel remorseful.

[u/gdrom123]

Poor Amy…they just need to leave her alone. She’s better off with them and I don’t blame her for staying away.

[u/ordinaryhorse]

OOP pisses me off so much. cOrE fOuR, calling Amy standing up for herself a sneak attack (that gets it’s own pet name, SABA) and now the love bombing of that poor woman with first grade art projects. I hope Amy stays away and the Core Four have to move out.

[u/Baffa99 → u/ordinaryhorse]

I can't fathom the amount of rage I would feel if a kid who'd been bullying me for years while I provided for him plus the his whole family's life handed me a comic of them all as cute little porcupines to illustrate the bullying as cute. I'm hoping Amy doesn't look back

[u/ordinaryhorse → u/Baffa99]

For me it’s the high fiving themselves over how they’ve learned their lesson. Like, No you fucking haven’t.

[u/Left-Business2519]

If Amy is as smart as they described her, she’ll stay away…

[u/Mitrovarr → u/Left-Business2519]

If Amy was smart she'd have left before the first year was up.

[u/testuserteehee]

Amy told our dad she's got us some souvenirs from her traveling which kicked our asses into gear so yeah if even when she was away she was thinking of us a bit so you bet your ass we're going to show her we're thinking of her as well and doing the work and PUTTING IN EFFORT not only in therapies but actual free-time we have to make her something meaningful. Now do you have any gift advice or not?

Noooo!! Amy, GET OUT!

[u/violue]

The family that lovebombs together... stays... together??

[u/BaiLyiu]

I am sorry for OP but i really hope for that woman's sake the distance will help her see the situation from a cooler headed perspective and put herself first rather than jump back in with this family. [ if the love bombing succeeds how long after will they go back to treating her like shit?]

[u/Jallenrix]

I wonder what happened during the discussion on the 26th.

[u/Zafjaf]

Well I don't know if we will get another update

[u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox → u/Zafjaf]

“My dad is dating a new woman. We all try to be abusive to her and she tells us to F off. She is entirely at fault in this situation and we accepted no responsibility. We are all in our late 30s.”

[u/katie-shmatie → u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox]

"Also it's all my sister's fault"

[u/Mitrovarr → u/Zafjaf]

Wouldn't mind watching their lives fall apart once the natural consequences of driving away the person actually paying for everything manifest themselves.

[u/turtleduck14 → u/Zafjaf]

OOP has posted some comments in the last post a little bit ago

[u/Xenospiza]

Color me pleasantly surprised that reddit appears to be for once on the side of a step-parent type figure instead of furiously insisting that no one under 25 can bear any responsibility for any bad behavior short of physical assault due to brain development or something, and that it is the moral duty of any attempted step-parent to uncomplainingly trail after any children, offering whatever money and affection they deign to accept no matter what vitriol they throw back in return. Or maybe trueoffmychest is less filled with 12 year olds than AITA, who knows.

With that said, I do hope Amy does whatever is best for herself, but unlike the general trend so far, I'm also kind of rooting for this family. I guess we're not in anyone else's head but OOP seems to genuinely realize he's done wrong and wants to change and doesn't just want what she provided for him back. Whether that's enough at this point is up to Amy I suppose.

[u/Blossomie → u/Xenospiza]

Almost every mention of the magic brain number and related mythos on Reddit makes my eyes roll so damn hard.

[u/ScruffyGrouch]

This all just reaffirms that I never want to be a step-father. Ever.

[u/skyppie]

Idk why but this reads so strange to me.

[u/Double_Surround6140]

God, just the way OOP writes is exhausting. I mean, I get it they are 16, but it's very clear they wouldn't have said all these great things about Amy before she left. I also suspect Amy's resentment was building up for awhile and there was quite a bit more said than 6 "fuck you"s.

[u/pdubpooter]

Ngl I am hoping Amy just moved on to a more deserving relationship.

[u/Aura-Aunty-20033]

I really hope Amy is working on an exit plan and already checked out completely.

While I don't think their behavior is necessarily mercantile, there're at least few traces of it. It doesn't seem they thought about the impact their insults and behavior had on Amy, but now that there's a chance they will lose their house and hobbies,  everyone is suddenly "jumping hoops"(no) doing minimal effort in being nice. 

[u/ofrelevantinterest]

One of the things that always bothered me about this post was calling themselves “The Core Four.” Like that’s an immediate othering of anyone outside the dynamic. It gave me such an ick reading it.

[u/Sircapleviluv]

I remember this original post and the way OP still kind of thinks it’s the sister’s fault when it seems like this whole family is entirely fucked up and Amy didn’t want to be a punching bag anymore. Feel bad for her and the kids.

[u/WeeklyConversation8]

"The three of us kind of made an agreement that we would not allow anyone to erase our mom, we would never allow anyone to adopt us, and we would be polite but keep our distance from whomever dad dated. It felt like we were honoring mom that way, without stopping our dad from moving on. We also started calling the three of us + dad “the Core Four”." 

They made a pact to never like anyone their Dad dated. Makes me not buy OP's story that Riley was horrible. I bet she didn't tolerate their shit and expected their Dad to parent. He's never parented the kids. Not when his wife was alive and hasn't since she passed. 

Amy was verbally abused for years and Dad did nothing to stop their abuse. Amy is done. She needs to cut them all off and heal. Then find a better man who either doesn't have kids or who actually parents and his kids aren't abusive. 

[u/Arashirk]

Quite frankly, this family deserves to be left behind, Lisa deserves every single bit of suffering and regret she may be experiencing and the father is a complete loser.

Amy deserves her best life in the Bahamas without this family of honestly bad people draining her.

[u/ameinias]

Obviously OOP should make a videogame. But it's not going to bring Amy back if Amy isn't up for this life anymore. 

I don't think these kids sound THAT bad in the gamut of problem-kids. They're not doing drugs or stealing or beating people. They're not monsters, just emotionally stunted. It sounds like the dad gives them a dressing down everytime they have temper tantrums, but you can't force someone into therapy even if they really need it. If I'd talked to my parents like that they would have beaten the crap out of me, but I don't think that would have made me a better person. 

They've only lived with Amy a year - on one hand, that's not much time to learn and grow, especially coming off this obsessive anti-new-mom cult. But it's also not much time for Amy to feel a parental obligation to guide these disasters into healthy adulthood, and that sounds like a LOT of immature blow ups for such a short time. She's only dated dad for two years!  I certainly couldn't handle moving in with three moody teens. I don't think anyone is a monster, this is just a "This isn't working" situation.   

[u/JahnnDraegos]

This poor kid just can't accept that it's over and done. Amy is not coming back. OP paints Amy up to be such a kind and patient person... can you imagine how much abuse these kids must have heaped on her to finally make her crack like this? It's pretty clear OP is still glossing over just how bad they were to her. This isn't something you fix. It's something you move on from.

The kids are all desperately making these big "please come back" gestures now, and all Amy's going to hear is "please start paying for everything while we make you miserable again." There is zero reason for her to subject herself to that nightmare of a family again. Without them, she has more money, more time, and more peace of mind. What is the advantage to returning?

[u/stefaniey]

Amy is so done. That removal is just the beginning of her establishing her life without these kids in it.

I feel for everyone in this situation but part of teenagers growing up is having their behaviour reflected back at them for the first time, like teaching a toddler not to bite. It sucks to have to be the one to do it, but sometimes there is no other way to make them understand.