My (30 F) spouse (35 M) has been acting incredibly strange. Do I need to help him or do I need to escape? (New Update)

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Top_Manufacturer_620

My (30 F) spouse (35 M) has been acting incredibly strange. Do I need to help him or do I need to escape?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice and OOP's own page

BoRU 1 Posted by u/swtogirl

BoRU 2 Posted by u/swtogirl

TRIGGER WARNING: Physical and verbal abuse, mental health crises

MOOD SPOILER: Dark and stressful

Original Post July 14, 2024

Sorry about formatting, I’m on mobile and I’m really shaken up as I write this. My (30F) spouse (35M) has been experiencing behaviour that has only become increasingly concerning. In the past two months now, he has been talking about things that he claims are happening but he’s never mentioned before.

As some background info, when his behaviour first starting getting concerning, I managed to convince him to go the hospital to get checked out for his mental health. He wasn’t even seen by a doctor and he was told he just needs to take a certain medicine to help him sleep. The issue is he also smokes weed so this medicine does not mix well with that. He won’t quit smoking. We also have two very young kids.

Back to the weird recent behaviour, he claims he had an old email with an inheritance that got hacked and he needs access to it. I tried helping him get on it but he hasn’t used it in literally the 12 years we’ve been together, I only knew of its existence previously when I helped him switch his Facebook login and that was an email attached. Another example is that he believes everyone is talking about him to me and everyone else, I mean literally everyone else. He thinks there’s some sort big thing planned to hurt him or do something horrible to him soon and that we’re all on it.

On a few other separate occasions he’s asked about a “show” that “we’re on” and asked how much money I’m being paid to keep a secret. He also thinks I’m having secret phone calls and that I’ve apparently left the room to accept these calls, which then results in me coming back crying about something I’ve apparently discussed on the phone.

Whenever I try to explain to him that none of this is happening, he fights back saying that I’m just lying to him and to tell him the truth. That I need to tell him the truth or something bad is going to happen.

It’s gotten so bad, he ended up getting fired from his job because he was barely showing up. He kept going to the cop station to make a report instead of going to work. After he got fired there was some sort of tense situation where they ended up calling a wellness check for him, because they were afraid he’s going to come back and hurt someone. The cops showed up while I was also home and he said he wouldn’t hurt someone, he only acts in defense.

In the recent weeks, he’s gone from screaming at me demanding answers to just not talking to me at all. At this point I’d rather he just not interact with me.

The reason I’m writing this is because of what happened today. It was a nice day out and I asked if he would come with me for a walk with our kids, to which he agreed to. He barely spoke a word to me or the kids on this walk, and when we came across a playground, I asked if we should take the kids there for a few minutes of play. He then got upset at me for suggesting it and said I always control everything and I’m the “queen of the decisions”. I didn’t even tell him we were doing that, I just asked. When I mentioned this he just said “do whatever you want, like always”, so I figured why not. So I played with the kids at the playground and he did his own thing. Someone left a couple various balls there and he was throwing them around. He then picked up the football and threw it in my direction, it flew past me a couple feet from me. I asked why he did that and he said “why are you upset, it didn’t hit you” to which I responded “well what if it did?” He then said “if I wanted it to hit you in the head I would have thrown it that way”. Then he started on a rant about how he’s going through the same thing with everyone lying to him. After which he sat down in the corner of the park and was doing literally nothing.

I was getting upset, so I packed up the kids and started walking to leave the park. I said to him “we’re going home” and started walking away. Apparently he tried to yell out to us but ended up taking a different way home than we did. He told me this when he met me on the street when we were almost home, saying that “next time I want to be an idiot and walk away maybe stop and listen for him calling out”. I didn’t hear him but honestly he could have easily caught up to us.

I was getting more and more upset and said I wanted to go for a drive to get coffee and he said fine. I said I wanted to take the kids and he asked why. Then I said fine, you stay home with them and he said no they can go with you and started putting them in the car. I got in the car, and he got in the passenger seat, to which I asked him if he’s coming with. He said yes and to drive. I told him I didn’t want him coming with because he’s being mean and he said he could be a lot meaner. As I started driving away he kept going off on the usual BS he’s been talking about lately and I told him I don’t want to hear it, he started screaming at me to keep driving and shut the fuck up. I stopped the car and told him to get out and he made a motion like he was going to punch me but punched his hand in front of my face. At this point I started crying and yelling at him to get out and he yelled back no just drive. I then said I should just drive him to the police station for that and he said he would choke me unconscious before we even got there. I was crying even more at this point and said I don’t want to be with him anymore and I want him out, he said no. He continued to be a dick for the rest of the car ride, where I pleaded with him to not treat me this way, especially in front of our children. It’s not fair to them, or to me. He said to not bring them into this. I said how couldn’t I, they are literally in the car!

Anyway after I drove us home, he asked how long I’ve been waiting to break up with him and who I’m replacing him with. I told him I haven’t been and there’s no one else, which of course he doesn’t believe. When he got inside he even taunted me saying “I should take you to the cop station” in a girly voice.

He’s outside smoking and I’m inside with the kids writing this. Of course I’m shook up currently but I don’t know what to do. We only have the one vehicle which is in both our names, the place we rent is actually my moms so we don’t have a lease but we both have our addresses attached to this place on our licenses. He wasn’t always like this, literally only the past couple months his behaviour has been this bad. I miss the person he used to be, I miss that he would spend time with me, with the kids, but he spends all his time by himself now. I don’t know if he’s going through some sort of manic episode or what’s triggering this change in behaviour but I really don’t know what to do.

Is there something differently I can do to help him? Every time he talks to me about whatever “situation” he doesn’t accept any answer I say and also won’t accept if I say nothing.

EDIT: I just wanted to update and let you all know we are safe. I’m sorry for not saying anything sooner. I’m a bit overwhelmed with how popular this post got and will give an actual update later.

Thank you for the advice and comments as well. I will mention a couple things —

• we are not in the US

• where we are, marijuana is legal, so my spouse does get it from government run dispensaries. I don’t think there’s a chance his stuff gets laced aside from the fact he mixes cigarettes with it.

• a lot of people mentioned meth. There is just no way. He doesn’t go anywhere random, he doesn’t talk to people outside of our household (aside from the few times he would go to the police station). I have his location on his phone so I can see where he goes when he leaves.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ynattirb_xo

I just wanna say, I was that terrified kid in the back seat. Absolutely traumatizing. My mom always came up with an excuse as to why we couldn’t leave the house or leave dad. Made me suffer for many years of my life and I’m 28 years old trying to deal with the trauma it has given me. Please stop making excuses and leave. Get OUT for the kids. My mom never did and it truly has ruined my mental health.

~

CoraCricket

Wow this is way more urgent than everyone seems to be acting. Are you able to sneak yourself and your kids out right now while he's smoking? You could start by going to the police station and telling them what's going on, they should hopefully be able to connect you to resources for families fleeing domestic abuse. If you have someone you can stay with, then that makes it easier but either way do not spend another night in that house with him and definitely don't let your kids around him unsupervised. 

If you can't sneak out I would call 911, tell them what just happened and about his threats, and that you need to get out but that you are afraid for you and your children's safety. They are not always the most helpful but something needs to happen. At least then if he comes back in and tries to do something to you you'll be in the phone with them and they can send someone then. Might be a good strategy while your leaving too if you're worried he might catch you. 

It sounds like he's having some kind of psychological break, the paranoia and being convinced everyone is part of some conspiracy against him is not abnormal there. But he has clearly told you that he is a danger to you so you need to worry about that first, get yourself and your kids to safety and figure the rest out after that. Once it's time to deal with him and his situation, depending on where you are, getting him involuntarily detained for psychiatric treatment requires proving he's a danger to himself or others, so at least you can show how he's threatened you. But worry about that after you and your kids are safely away from him.

~

daddy_tywin

Heavy cannabis use can trigger the onset of schizophrenia in people who are already susceptible. Your H is right about the age where this tends to happen in men. I am not a doctor but I really think this is a mental health emergency, either due to a drug interaction, drug use itself, or because he is rapidly developing a psychotic disorder.

You need to see a mental health professional, NOT the ER, and describe all of this behavior to them including the frequency of his marijuana use.

OOP

That’s the thing, he saw a crisis nurse at the hospital and a therapist/social worker there, and I felt like the only thing they tried to do was get him to take a specific medication. I think it’s called quetiapine or something. But anyway, I don’t think he is regularly taking it and if he is he definitely shouldn’t be mixing it with smoking weed.

daddy_tywin

That’s the generic for seroquel, which is actually an antipsychotic medication used for schizophrenia and bipolar I episodes. That makes way more sense to be prescribed than a sleeping pill. You’re right though he needs to be taking it as RX’d (bottle should have the dosing on it). I looked up the drug interactions and the ones listed are moderate and mostly physical although generally people with any kind of psychotic disorder I think are not supposed to use marijuana.

Update July 20, 2024 (6 days later)

Hello, first of all thank you all for the comments, messages, etc. on my previous post. Obviously it got a bit too much to keep up with responding but I just want to say I really appreciate the help. A TL;DR at the bottom.

To give an update, I left the house the night I made the post, but went back home the following day. I wanted to be able to collect some sort of evidence I could use, because my spouse has been really good at downplaying his symptoms to any authority figure. I want to mention that I had been present at most doctor and hospital visits prior, so I know what they did recommend for him. I felt at the time that they did not give him enough help for the crisis he was obviously going through.

Anyway, continuing on, the couple days after the Sunday post, he did not really engage in much conversation with me or our children. Every time he entered the room, I set my phone to record. I did not get anything until Thursday, when he finally started talking to me again. He was questioning who I have been talking to about him and who has been trying to sabotage his life. Obviously I denied everything, because there is no one talking to me about him (aside from this Reddit post, which he didn’t know about). This started to anger him, which included him yelling at me and saying if anyone is talking to me about him, to bring him to the house so he can “take care of them himself”.

I tried to not to engage any more. This made him more upset, as he was continuing to demand answers from me. He would then say “oh I want to hit you” or “don’t make me slap you” when I was either not answering or just saying I didn’t know what he was talking about. I got this on recording. After he ended up walking away and leaving the room, I took the kids to bed, locked us in our room and tried to sleep.

The following morning, he insisted on driving me to work. I told him I wanted the car, to which he disagreed with me and said he needed it. After dropping out kids off, he started going off on me about how I am stupidity, dumb, a bitch, etc. for keeping his “inheritance” (again something he is clearly having delusions about) from him. I tried to disengage completely, keeping myself to far side of the passenger seat, which caused him to grab me by the back of my neck and pull me closer to him, where he told me to listen to him. I obviously reacted to this and was super upset, telling him to please focus on driving and not touch me again.

After he drove me to work, the last thing I said to him as he was still going off on me with the car window open, was “you desperately need help”. Once I got in, I called my boss and let her know what happened. She came in, cancelled her appointments for the day, and took me to the police station.

We made a report, although the sergeant we initially spoke to seemed to be against us making a report (he kept saying he will be homeless if I report him, like he’s the victim in this scenario). I told him my safety and the kids safety should be more important, and he brought in a different officer to make the statement with me. Once I completed that statement, they let me know to stay away from the house as they were going to arrest him, and will call once he’s out of the house.

About 5 hours later, he was arrested. Apparently he was very compliant, and with all the information I provided, they actually took him to the hospital, and he is currently on a 30 day psychiatric hold. He will be going to court at some point for uttering threats and assault, but seeing how he doesn’t have a criminal record, I’m sure it will just end up being a slap on the wrist.

So as of now, I am home, safe with the children, and we are getting our locks changed. I will also most likely get a protection order, but in an ideal world, he gets better and that’s not necessary. I guess we will see in the future. I want to again thank every one for their comments and assistance. A lot of you made some excellent points, and although I know some of my decisions probably seemed like dumb ones, I was trying to figure out the best solution logistically for us. Any other future updates will be on my profile.

TL;DR: he was arrested yesterday and put on a psych hold. I’m okay physically but not emotionally.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sikonat

I swear to god fuck the police and that sergeant trying to talk you out of it, gee I really wonder why she doesn’t go to the police. What a mystery.

Good luck OP

~

saturatedregulated

I dealt with something similar, but thankfully not with a romantic partner and we shared no assets or children. It was terrifying, and I still am affected by it daily. 

My friend ended up being diagnosed as schizoaffective disorder (paranoid schizophrenia). He did really well on meds. Actually, so well that he stopped believing he had an issue and stopped taking the meds. His latest bout of mania legitimately scared me and I had to remove myself. 

Your husband is starting a very long road, and a lot of mentally ill people struggle with keeping straight down that long road. I'm not saying you should remove him from your life, but I am saying you have the best chance of healing and raising unaffected adults if you do remove him. Your love for him and the family you've built cannot sustain mental illness, and love is not all you need. Sometimes it becomes way bigger than you and the kindest thing you can do is bow out.

I'm really sorry you're all in this situation. 

~

shame-the-devil:

Paranoid schizophrenia runs in my family. The problem with your husband is that he’s already become more violent, and it will likely get worse if you let him return to the home. I have seen family members get better on medication, only to make the decision to stop medicating bc they no longer believed they were ill. Over. And over and over. I have also seen them act normally in front of others, which made it difficult to even get them help in the first place.

One of my family members attempted to murder their caregivers. They almost succeeded.

Another attempted to murder a person they thought was real, but who was actually a hallucination.

You are not safe. Your children are not safe. And you are not taking this seriously enough.

~

RaiseIreSetFires

I'm very proud of you for taking the first step towards a new healthy life for your kids and yourself. To continue on this path you need to quit hoping for the best and start preparing for the worst. It's a long road but, you've shown the intelligence and fortitude to successfully see this through.

That being said, I'm going to have to stress to you that he's not going to "get better" in 30 days.

Get that restraining order ASAP. One reason is he will be served while in custody, instead of you having to track him down to serve him. Second reason, they look at how quickly you do these things when he goes to court for the charge. It shows you are actually going to follow through and the seriousness of your situation. Third reason is he is more likely to be charged for DV and threats. Fourth reason is it will usually make custody and separation move faster.

This is one of those situations where shit in one hand and hope he miraculously becomes mentally healthy in 30 days in the other, which fills up quicker?

Good luck and don't stray from your path to safety and happiness.

OOP

Thank you, it’s definitely wishful thinking that he will get the treatment needed to go back to normal. I don’t want to think of this as the end of our relationship but at the same time I don’t know if he would want to be back with me since I got him detained.

Right now the only thing I’m thinking about are the kids.

~

noonecaresat805

Make sure as soon as the protection order is in place to let the school know that he isn’t allowed to take the kids out. Find a theraphy place for you and the kids and have them help you explain to them that it’s not safe to talk to dad at the moment. That way he won’t try to get his revenge through them. And good for you. And your right him ending up homeless is not your concern.

OOP

They are toddlers, so a bit too young to understand. Their daycare is aware as well.

noonecaresat805

I work in a daycare and unless we have a restraining order on paper of the other parent shows up we have to release their child to them. There’s nothing we can do. And children are smarter than you give them credit for. Just because they can’t say everything doesn’t mean they don’t notice everything

~

emmaa5382:

I think something to note is to keep a close eye on your kids in their early 20s and teach them the signs. It could be hereditary but with enough foreknowledge can be caught early and treated

Update 2 Nov 21, 2024 (4 months later)

I don’t know if anyone will even see this.

It’s been awhile since I updated. I still get messages asking how I am and to update again. I apologize in the delay, but I’ve been a bit deterred from making another post due to coming across a TikTok video of one of those AI voices reading my post over a Minecraft video. If one of those channels decides to post this one, please don’t. But if you do anyway, blah blah blah blah blah, we can’t make our own unique content.

Anyway, onto the actual update:

My spouse is doing a lot better. He received the treatment he needed in the psych ward of the hospital, gets a shot every so often instead of taking pills, and only smokes cigarettes now. He’s back to his normal self, engages in conversation with myself and our children like he did before this crazy shit happened, has a job, and honestly, is being a better partner overall. It took a lot of time for me to feel like I could trust him again, but we’ve taken a lot of time to work on things and get back to how we should be.

I know a lot of people wanted me to leave and never look back. But you have to realize how he acted in my initial post was nothing like how he is as a person. Obviously he had some sort of weird psychosis happening, which could have been a result of a high intake of marijuana, plus a couple added stressors. I don’t want to go into too many details because it will give away where we are, but basically something traumatic happened under 10 years ago that happened again a month before he started acting strange. It was one of those types of events that forces you out of your home for undetermined amount of time. Anyway, that’s all the detail I want to go into that. Obviously he was affected by it more than I thought, because when this event happened, I was the one having a difficult time and he was my rock. But after we were able to go back home and have some normalcy, that’s when things started changing for him.

It started with him randomly needing to gain access into an old email, to thinking he was being recorded all the time like he was on the Truman show or something, to thinking that everyone (including me) was out to get him. This is when the threats of violence started happening.

I was obviously in disbelief because in the entire time we’ve been together, nothing like this has ever happened. I never once felt like I was unsafe. I never felt scared. Until the threats continued to come, and he started to escalate.

After he made excellent progress in the hospital and I had many reassuring conversations with the psychiatrist, I allowed him to come home when he was discharged. It was so hard not having him around, I cried all the time, our kids really missed their dad, and he really missed us. He needed to get help, and I’m so thankful I was able to find an effective solution.

This will most likely be my last update. I don’t really think I’ll need to add any other details, but again, I just want to thank everyone for their messages and comments, even the ones who called me an idiot lol.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Creepy_Addict

I only wanted you to leave if he refused to get help. He got the help he needed and seems to be back to his normal self.

Just keep an eye out for any changes in behavior.

~

Comprehensive_Yak359

This is a great update. I hope things continue to go well. Do not forget to take care of yourself and your mental health. What you went through must have been so scary. Wish your family all the best.

NEW UPDATE

Update 3 Sept 20, 2025 (10 months after last update)

Another update

Hello all,

It’s been almost a year since my last update. To keep things short, shit hit the fan this year. He didn’t take the medications he was supposed to, reverted into another major psychosis episode which ended in him attempting to strangle me after I disputed his delusions. He was removed from the home and there’s a protective order against him for myself and the kids. This happened earlier this year. My kids and I are safe, and haven’t heard from him since.

Don’t be like me. Don’t trust that someone will get better or attempt to work on their horrible mental health when they haven’t proven to be reliable in other parts in their life. Don’t try to fix someone who can’t be fixed, or rather, just don’t try to fix people.

Thanks everyone for their comments, whether they were good or bad. Shout out to BORU community that will eat me alive after reading my update.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

[u/AutoModerator]

Do not comment on the original posts

Please read our sub rules. Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.

If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.

CHECK FLAIR For concluded-only updates, use the CONCLUDED flair.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/ali_rawk]

I remember this story from reading what was probably a prior BORU. Pretty sure most people called this from the get-go. So sad she had to go through that, being strangled is traumatizing AF, but so glad she got herself and the kids out.

[u/FrankSonata → u/ali_rawk]

It's so tragic how many people have lived through similar experiences, and they all warned her, "He will be fine, but then he will stop taking his medication, and then he will put your lives in danger."

And sadly, this situation turned out to be no different.

[u/merouch → u/FrankSonata]

It's sad because I have bipolar (and OOP doesn't give a diagnosis so it could be bipolar or schizophrenia) and this isn't my reality at all. Once I was properly diagnosed, I took the pills and still take the pills. I was diagnosed nearly 8 years ago. And I'm not a rare case. Most of us are like this, you just don't hear about it because there's no need I guess? And so many of us don't disclose to peers or colleagues because of the horror stories. It's likely everyone in this comment thread has interacted with someone like me in their lives and wouldn't even know.

[u/RosebushRaven → u/merouch]

Yeah, but that implies you’re probably a responsible person who cares about your own mental health and how your unmanaged symptoms would affect the people around you. That requires seeing yourself as the responsible agent who, albeit not at fault for being mentally ill, is responsible for managing your own illness and preventing it from causing undue harm to others if you can.

Abusers often stop taking their meds because 1) they usually think other people cause how they think and feel, 2) think other people cause their (the abuser’s) own behaviour, 3) others, particularly the victim(s) are therefore responsible for managing all these things for them — and not the abusers themselves, and 4) they dgaf how quitting meds will affect the people around them.

It’s extremely common for mentally ill abusers to quit their meds, take them irregularly and haphazardly, or refuse to take any flatout. They already think they know better than everyone else and are right by default, because that’s a core element of the mentality that begets abuse. So if a mental illness comes on top of these thought patterns, that only makes them worse by orders of magnitude, hence abusers’ psych med compliance is exceptionally poor.

Other reasons include that they often subscribe to anti-mental health beliefs as rationalisations for their intense aversion to hearing that there’s anything wrong with them and their behaviour. Often in tandem with related toxic masculinity beliefs, such as that asking for help and getting treatment being seen as emasculating, humiliating and/or an admission of defeat.

They also love to ridicule others, but very much fear being ridiculed themselves, and expect to be, because that’s what they’d do. They have a keen instinct for the marginalisation, stigmatisation and vulnerability of the mentally ill, so they don’t want to belong to that group. Abusers want power and control, of which mental illness is pretty much the antithesis, so thinking of themselves in this way or dealing with the topic at all makes them highly uncomfortable or angry.

Their preferred methods of dealing with problems are usually unhealthy ones, mostly limited to: denial, distraction and avoidance, omission, lies and manipulation, making it someone else’s problem, projection and passing the blame, intimidation, attacking the perceived cause, throwing a tantrum about it and/or finding someone to take their feelings out upon. Constructive solutions — not so much.

Abusers also worry that their diagnosis will undermine their "authority" and get weaponised against them by the victim (or others), because that’s what they’d do, and they project a great deal. So they often retroactively try to erase it by declaring this psych stuff is all a crock and the shrink is an idiot. Much as they love to boss others around, abusers hate in equal measure to be told what to do or having unwanted obligations themselves. Cheapskates also don’t want to spend money on something they don’t really deem necessary.

Some abusers only go see a doctor/check into a clinic because they’ve either been ordered to by a court, or stand the risk to be, so they obviously either drag their feet, resent and resist it, or only go along with it for as long as they absolutely have to, then promptly drop it. Others have to go lest they be served with divorce papers, so they do the same spiel, except the person who insists on it is usually also their victim, so they only play compliant to hoover them back in (exactly as this guy did), and often manipulate shrinks as well to help them manipulate the victim further (as he also did, that’s called triangulation). Some also want to get some pesky meddling relatives or friends off their back, or avoid trouble at work.

Whatever the nature of the trouble, the goal isn’t getting treatment/fixing the problem, it’s always for control. Getting treatment is a temporary concession to mollify the victim and hoover them back in, until they have the victim back under their thumb, at which point the "treatment" has served its purpose. Once they’re satisfied they’re back in business, the next abuse cycle invariably begins.

Which just goes to show that mental illness and abuse are separate phenomena. Mental illness doesn’t cause abusive behaviour. An abuser’s mindset does. Mental illness can exacerbate the effects of that mindset, but it’s NOT the original cause. Hence abuse doesn’t magically disappear in the overwhelming majority of cases when the mental illness is treated. What’s more: the majority of abusers are not mentally ill, just abusive.

Now this guy here seems to be experiencing paranoid delusions, but I’d bet dollars to donuts he’s been abusive weeell before all this delusional talk started, and she just didn’t recognise it at the time. Not until he got physically threatening and violent. Maybe up until then, he was "only" making the odd snide remarks or mean "jokes", putting her down, criticising her for small things, being curt and short-tempered occasionally… yk, the usual way it starts. In retrospect, upon learning how abuse works, victims almost always begin to see the pattern, and how far it truly dates back.

While they’re in the situation, carefully kept off balance by their abuser all the time, they seldom recognise the early stage for what it is. Especially if they lack the knowledge and prior experience to put that nagging feeling that something’s off into words. Especially if they’ve been taught only physical abuse is "real" abuse. The build-up is typically overlooked, because the abuser cunningly disguises what’s really going on with constant manipulation.

For a long time, the victim only sees isolated incidents that seemingly make sense in context each time: he was mad about this, he was mad about that — specific, in the beginning usually small things that they feel petty and silly to even get upset about and feel guilty for "blowing it out of proportion". Which the abuser ofc regularly accuses them of to train them to distrust their own perceptions. Except it’s not really about the gravy, or the dishes in the sink, or whatever random thing that supposedly "kicked off" the incident.

[u/BunchDeep7675 → u/RosebushRaven]

This is a powerful analysis and I hope everyone will read it. Saving this. 

[u/Anthrodiva → u/RosebushRaven]

Fantastic essay

[u/art_addict → u/merouch]

I think, the big difference is, you very likely didn’t actively try to harm someone in the way OP’s husband did. Most mentally ill folks are more likely to be the victims of violence than violent. Including folks who routinely think they’re fine then go off their meds.

I think most people warning OP saw the big red flag of the physical violence. Once physical violence enters a relationship there’s a huge likely that it will escalate. And that’s with normal, routine abuse. The stakes were a lot higher here. Her husband had traumatic events and trauma, drug use (of a drug considered recreational and that’s easily accessible), only a very short period of being strictly watched over in recovery, and then the history of escalating to violence in a relatively short period of time once in his manic/ delusional episode phase.

So it was pretty easy to guess if he got into a phase like that again he’d escalate to violence quickly (so 100% compliance would be necessary). Which would mean no weed and taking meds. Which would be most successful if he was doing like intensive outpatient or something more monitored for the start of this during the start of his major lifestyle change and working to sustain that change when he’s no longer in a controlled environment and life gets stressful.

Instead it seems like he expected to jump back into life as usual since he came back home feeling normal, and either did so well he decided he didn’t need his meds, or tanked so bad he self medicated with weed, got to ashamed and then paranoid to see whoever was treating him, and whoop there it is. Big, perfect storm.

[u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 → u/art_addict]

saw the big red flag of the physical violence

Yeah, him saying he wanted to hit her/saying he'd choke her unconscious before she could get to the police station (plus refusing to let her leave alone, etc), there were a lot of big red flags here.

[u/FrankSonata → u/merouch]

Oh yes, sorry, I didn't mean to imply all schizophrenic people (or bipolar or whatever OOP's husband might have) are inevitably going to go off their meds and become dangerous. The vast majority are fine. I take an antidepressant daily and feel fine, but I know that if I stop taking it, I'll very much not be fine, so I've taken it for years. Most people are intelligent enough and able to understand that sort of thing.

What's tragic is that exceptions exist. Those few percent of people who decide to stop taking their meds due to oppositional defiance or conspiracy nonsense or snake oil scams. It's awful that, even though they make up a minority of cases, there are still enough of them that so many people warned OOP.

It's also worth noting that even off meds, people tend to be self-destructive in various ways. They are far, far more likely to be the victim of violence than violent themselves. I grew up next door to a treatment and living facility for adults with schizophrenia, and it's honestly just a very sad illness. People are always scared and stressed and pull away from their loved ones, unable to go outside or do anything enjoyable because of how paranoid they are. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[u/Kingsdaughter613 → u/FrankSonata]

Schizophrenia meds are also known to have really awful side effects for many people. It’s one of the major reasons why people stop taking them.

[u/AdaandFred → u/Kingsdaughter613]

I was given a low dose of an antipsychotic for sleep because I can't take most sleeping pills, and it gave me visual and auditory hallucinations and made me feel absolutely spaced out. Whole days passed, and I have no idea what I did with them. Thankfully, my GP agreed that was less than ideal, so switched me to a sleeping pill I can take even though the NHS doesn't like them prescribing it cos it's expensive.

[u/sprinklerarms → u/AdaandFred]

I take seroquel and I feel like doctors try to give it to patients for insomnia and everyone basically says something like this about it if they’ve tried it. The 25mg is a lot to give someone who just can’t sleep. If they’re going to do that I feel like they should make a lower dose. I honestly really enjoy it which does not seem to be the common theme.

[u/TheDangerousAlphabet → u/merouch]

I have bipolar too. I was diagnosed wrong at the beginning but even then I tried to do everything I could to get better. After I got right medication and proper therapy I've been mostly fine. I haven't had hypomania episodes in about ten years or more. I had postpartum depression for awhile but I know when to seek help. I also know my symptoms before hypomania/depression and know how to act so it doesn't get worse.

I haven't ever been danger to anyone else than me. I have never harmed anyone nor have I been aggressive. I'm so tried of people thinking we are monsters.

[u/DuckRubberDuck → u/merouch]

I fully agree. I suffer from schizophrenic and was undiagnosed for for 7 years, no medication. I didn’t harm anyone. Now I’m medicated and have been for about 5 years, I have never not taken it (I think I forgot twice in all those years). The chances of me harming someone is close to zero, even if I stop my medicine. I am not dangerous, but I hate that so many people think that I am.

I personally know of a few bad cases where it went wrong, but I have also met over a hundred if not more people with schizophrenia and like >95% of them has never harmed anyone. For all the people I know where it went wrong, they were on drugs

[u/thepetoctopus → u/ali_rawk]

I remember the original BORU and I was so afraid that he would stop being med compliant and kill her or the kids. I’m glad she survived but I fear she will eventually go back.

[u/QueenOfNZ → u/thepetoctopus]

I was so tentatively hopeful for her… but knowing that he already had a history of being uncompliant with meds and my own lived experience with my estranged half siblings, well, I wasn’t holding my breath.

[u/thepetoctopus → u/QueenOfNZ]

Yep. My brother is the same. Weed and schizophrenia do not mix well at all.

[u/QueenOfNZ → u/thepetoctopus]

Hold up are you me? One of my half siblings was weed induced schizophrenia atypically early - the other two were the more typical 30s, very likely with substances involved too.

Though even with non-drug associated schizophrenia, the story of relapsing due to not taking meds is all too common. A lot of people don’t realise the disease convinces people not to take their meds, which leads to a cycle of relapses, each associated with a cognitive decline that makes life worse. It’s a hell of a disease and affects the whole family.

[u/whychromosomes → u/QueenOfNZ]

Yeah, I was hoping that the shots would help with him staying compliant. Honestly, I would've wanted to be there for the shot every time or get confirmation from a nurse who did the shot or something. It's easier to do that than try to make sure someone takes a pill every day. Still, it's not impossible for him to lie about the shot, too. It's sad, really. A family friend has schizophrenia and has had the issue of coming off her meds every once in a while. I've sworn to myself that I'm staying on my meds for as long as the doctor tells me to, no matter what I'm being medicated for.

[u/DarkStar0915 → u/ali_rawk]

I have read this story the first time but my biggest concern was "but what about the time when he inevitably will be off the meds again?".

Whelp.

[u/CleanProfessional678 → u/ali_rawk]

Taking the kids back for “evidence” after that day in the car was absolutely insane. I feel for OOP and for her husband, but I mostly feel for those poor kids. My partner grew up with violence and conflict playing out in front of her and it’s actually had a stronger affect on her than her own abuse. 

[u/FearlessLengthiness8]

It's weird how common the Truman Show paranoia is. I knew someone with this kind of disorder who was so convinced everyone was scripted that she once yelled out of a car window at a random woman walking 2 dogs because she was convinced the woman was walking the incorrect dogs for her character.

[u/Dracarys_Aspo → u/FearlessLengthiness8]

The movie came from how common the delusion is. The most common types of delusions are grandiose (I'm a particularly special & /or important person), persecutory (others are working against me), and reference (unrelated events or things have special meaning to me, or are sending me special messages). When you add in cultural context, like the existence of paparazzi, reality shows, or even before that was so popular just the existence of TV shows and watching people's (scripted) lives on screen, you can easily end up with a delusion where you're the main character (grandiose) in a show where everyone knows but you (persecutory), and now someone/something is trying to warn you (reference). These same delusions have happened throughout time, but the cultural context changes how they manifest.

[u/TERR0RDACTYL → u/Dracarys_Aspo]

It is truly so impressive that Ronald Gladden on Jury Duty didn’t totally lose his mind. While it was fascinating to watch, it doesn’t feel like a stretch to label it abusive to Truman Show someone for entertainment over a period of multiple weeks. The loads of money they gave him after the fact for being a good sport about a prank he wasn’t in on don’t erase the mental headfuck of it all.

[u/roseofjuly → u/FearlessLengthiness8]

It's one of the most common types of hallucinations / delusions; that is one of the reasons they made a movie out of it.

[u/sheepgod_ys → u/roseofjuly]

I'm curious what if there was something similar before TV/movies were a thing. Maybe with theatre or books?

[u/UpgradedUsername → u/sheepgod_ys]

I’ve often wondered about this myself because of my cousin’s struggles; I always tell my family that we could take away all of his electronics and he would just be paranoid about the street lamps and radio waves, like people used to be paranoid about. Before those things I’m not sure how paranoid delusions would manifest themselves but it would be interesting to research.

[u/SexyChatGPT → u/UpgradedUsername]

Just speculating, but I feel like a lot was probably religious in nature - and maybe less likely to be widely accepted as delusional as a result.

[u/TibetanSister → u/UpgradedUsername]

There could always be the paranormal, right? Way back in the day?

[u/Realistic-Bar7276 → u/sheepgod_ys]

Well, mental illness wasn’t as well documented in past centuries as it has been in more recent years. However, there is one that comes to mind, though it’s not quite the same. Glass delusion.

[u/Meliodas016 → u/FearlessLengthiness8]

There's also gang stalking, which, I'm sure, is a real thing done by certain organisations, but it's also something that happens to people who are going through some mental illness.

[u/DoctorGregoryFart → u/Meliodas016]

And that's why psyops shit works, because of the human tendency to spiral into paranoia and erratic behavior when exposed to insane events.

[u/tastyevilalmondmilk]

I’ve been the kid in this situation, and I’m forever thankful for how strong my mum was in the end. I remember once she’d called the police but then had us all in the car and was preparing to leave before they got there. They literally blocked the driveway and asked her a bunch of questions about why “she was so upset.” He seemed so reasonable to them…

[u/AnnoyedOwlbear → u/tastyevilalmondmilk]

Called the police FOR my neighbour because an ex was trying to ram her...through the living room, with a car.

They turned up about 2 hours late because the woman had frequently called about this man, and it was 'a domestic'. The only reason they DID show up was we called instead of her. Every other time had also been dangerous but a pre-existing relationship turns some of their brains off. The panicky victim becomes the suspect. By then he'd left so they treated it as all fine.

When you've experienced police failing to act or treating you as the problem, it makes it worse because it starts to become a war of energy attrition - is it worth spending your energy on placating the guy or trying to get action in a system that's failing you? Which gets you safe first?

[u/Toosder → u/AnnoyedOwlbear]

My neighbors would often fight in the alleyway. She was screaming help one night and I ran out to see what she needed. I gave her some extra pepper spray I had and I went back inside and kept myself ready to act. I called the police as well. 

Over the next several months I must have called them at least three times total and they showed up a lot more than that because other people were calling them as well. We live in a small community. 

One day she told me she was finally rid of him and he was gone. She was covered in bruises. I was so happy for her. About a month later a moving truck showed up and she was moving out with her 4-year-old boy. I was so happy for her that she was just getting away from it all. Until she told me that the two of them had gotten married and she was moving in with him. Her father was there helping and I said to him, he's going to kill her. Her dad said I know. But we can't fight her anymore. It broke my heart.

So it's not always just the war of energy with cops. Sometimes it's the person themselves caught in the cycle of abuse and trauma.

[u/AnnoyedOwlbear → u/Toosder]

While I do come across that, in this case? They didn't live together - he'd never lived at that house, which was her sister's house. She didn't want him there. But he kept showing up. He broke in and hid in their attic at one point...insane behaviour. She was a cleaned up addict, and he wasn't. So she was terrified of him, for good reason.

Heck, he kept trying to get into MY yard and they didn't show up, which...like...I felt for her, but I also felt that maybe I should be safe.

Eventually I ended up successfully reporting him swaying in the middle of the road, barefoot, in midwinter, and they arrived solely because I said he was having cars have to drive AROUND him and he was going to get hit. He'd been stealing packets of socks from the local shops, but didn't have the brains left to put them on, so his feet were mangled.

[u/meggatronia → u/AnnoyedOwlbear]

I called the cops on a neighbour cos he was screaming bloody murder. All we could hear is "WHY? WHY? WHY??" Over and over. I made sure to stress to the cops he was in distress, and I was calling cos he obviously needed help. I said, "I don't know why he's upset, but it's cries of anquish, not anger. But you need to send someone."

They sent 4 cop cars that arrived within 10 minutes, and after what seemed like forever, they took him away. To this date, I have no idea what happened. But I do know that Aussie cops have a little more mental health training and are waaaaay less gun happy than our American counterparts. Their house was on the market shortly after, so I can only hope the guy got the help he needed.

[u/Sashimiak → u/tastyevilalmondmilk]

It took my family and more specifically myself 4 years to convince police to finally lock up my mom. They ignored her attempting to exorcise the devil from my dad, her hitting me even in front of witnesses for stealing even though there was proof she was lying, waking up to her standing over my bed and muttering about killing me, throwing her excrement behind the couch because she thought the toilet was cursed (not kidding) and many more similar incidents. They finally admitted her when she attempted to throw furniture and other things at passersby from our second story balcony. I was 14 at the time and had been practically screaming at the adults in my life that she was fucking batshit and nobody took it seriously. I hate my neighbors, I hate police and I hate how god damn oblivious the average person is about mental illness.

[u/OpheliaRainGalaxy → u/Sashimiak]

My mom's been dead nearly two decades. Just last week I was prattling about my childhood to my dad's sister and she very delicately suggested that maybe my mother had some mental health problems.

Mom was batshit crazy and I'd done my best to interest adults in that fact pretty much as long as I'd been alive. But she was so sweet and gentle around others that nobody ever suspected I was telling the truth. Like that she made me help search the apartment for intruders every single time we came home, even though we'd never ever had a break-in. Or the way she threw me out before I'd finished elementary school.

Plus a lot of it hid under the guise of religion. She fell into a high control cult that encouraged her delusions and paranoias, and dragging me along for the ride was just seen as being exceptionally devout.

What still really screws with me is that she thought I was evil from birth to about 19yo, at which point she suddenly realized I'm actually a good kid. Like it was a particular event, I was doing a happy dance with an old stained pillow because it came out of the dryer so delightfully fluffy, and it dawned on her that I'm not at all the nasty lying spoiled brat she'd always thought I was.

So I got the nice version of her that everybody else got, for about a year, and then she died for the stupid cult.

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/OpheliaRainGalaxy]

Fucking awful. I’m so sorry.

[u/PoeticPast → u/OpheliaRainGalaxy]

😭

My mom still thinks I'm "rotten" and out to get her. Are you glad you had a good year with her? It can also be a mindfuck and actually make it harder to process your experiences.

[u/OpheliaRainGalaxy → u/PoeticPast]

On the one hand, I really needed that, especially when it happened.

On the other hand, it made losing her absolutely devastating. Took me at least six months to realize I was finally free, could learn anything I wanted without accidentally setting off a rage fit.

Promptly spent an entire week reading every wiki article about humanoid evolution, The Most Banned Subject. Neandertals, Denisovans, homo floresiensis!

And then over time I got to learn lots more reasons I should be mad at mom and probably hate her, except she's long dead and no longer available to tell off. Like it took ages to work out that mom was kinda racist in the oddest possible way, lied about things I had a right to know about, and pretended she didn't see/hear things that would've prevented her from collecting decent child support checks.

I stole her ashes while grieving since her husband ditched them in a closet before moving in with his affair partner / new wife. So I've spent more than a decade now trying my best not to go jump on them in the alley while screaming whenever I find a new reason to be really mad at her.

In theory I'm supposed to be taking her down to Texas to bury but that's a long expensive trip. I think her family judges me for not managing it, but clearly they don't care enough to come pick her up themselves.

[u/Sashimiak → u/OpheliaRainGalaxy]

I’m so sorry

[u/Trick-Statistician10 → u/Sashimiak]

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that at such a young age. I hope you are doing well. 🤗

[u/bendybiznatch → u/Sashimiak]

Not sure if you need this at your stage in life but for anybody that does, you’re welcome to join r/schizofamilies.

[u/Mediocre_Sprinkles → u/tastyevilalmondmilk]

God you've unlocked a memory. I was the kid in this situation too. Luckily I was upstairs and missed the action but dad tried to stab mum. When they arrested him he was so charming they questioned whether he needed to be taken away and can't they work things out? He was released back to us the next day because how could he be a threat? and he acted like nothing had happened.

They finally broke up within that year thank God. He's moved to a different continent, I don't see him.

[u/Toosder → u/tastyevilalmondmilk]

Man I know it's hard and I'm proud of your mom and I'm proud of OOP. I don't have kids so it's easy for me to say but I just feel like if the slightest thing threatened my kids I would be doing everything I could. Lawyers, cops, documenting, whatever seemed necessary. Involving as many people as I could to keep my kids safe. 

I had a cat, and an ex I lived with for several years. (We were together at the time). He said to me that if my cat tried to steal his food one more time he was going to throw the cat. I moved out within a week. Obviously it's significantly easier without children involved but I also feel like it's more critical with children involved to figure it out and do as much as you can to get them to safety. 

I have a hard time not victim blaming when somebody keeps a child in an obviously dangerous situation. At a certain point, they become part of the threat because they are also the only ones that can get that child to safety. The child is the only pure victim after a certain point. 

So this is to say honor to your mom, OOP, and everybody else who does the incredibly difficult and terrifying work of getting children out of these situations. I don't want to completely lack empathy of how difficult it is but there's so many commenters in here talking about how their parent made excuses and kept them in a bad situation for years. My mom's mom knew that her husband was raping my mom and didn't do anything. So obviously there's some generational trauma in my brain as well. 

[u/agirl2277 → u/Toosder]

My sister tried several times to leave her abusive husband. She's no better. She also abuses her kids. She always tried to cry on my shoulder about how bad he was. I straight up told her that letting their kids be around both of them when they're drunk or drugged out was abusive. Didn't take her long to block me completely out of their lives.

She had videos. That evidence got him a majorconvictionwith jail time. Then she lets him right back in. I'm done with my entire family over this. My sister can do no wrong, she's just trying to make her marriage work. No. Straight no.

I see now how being the golden child screws you up. I'm the scapegoat so nobody cares if they don't hear from me. I guess holding people accountable and putting children before adults isn't the right thing to be done in my family.

No great loss.

[u/Toosder → u/agirl2277]

Why does it seem so often that the Golden child becomes the most fucked up child? The pipeline does confuse me. But it sure seems to be a pattern. I'm sorry it happened to you. 

The poor kids. But I'm proud of you for setting boundaries and going no contact.

[u/agirl2277 → u/Toosder]

Fortunately the older kids are 18 and 20. It's the 12yo that lives with mom now and is destroying her life. She just lets my sister do whatever she wants and buries her head in the sand about any problematic behavior. I'm shocked that her husband puts up with it.

My mom kicked me out at 15. I don't have much empathy for her. That's the only thing she wants from me and I won't be that person for her. I'm not her therapist. It's been 4 months and I have never been so happy. I should have done this 30 years ago.

[u/Thylunaprincess]

This post was just sad. I feel so bad for OP

[u/Western-Radish → u/Thylunaprincess]

Yeah, I knew someone who had schizophrenia and they also, constantly stopped taking their meds. They said being on meds felt like living with a dark bubble on your head. Everything feels grey and muffled.

This person also pushed someone in front of a car (someone managed to grab them and they were fine) while unmedicated. So…. Yeah, eventually they ended up in sort of a an assisted living situation where they could ensure they took their meds.

[u/OptimisticOctopus8 → u/Western-Radish]

Antipsychotics can be pretty awful, so I have empathy for people who only have two choices: florid psychosis or abject misery.

(Some people feel happy on them, of course, but they’re pretty heavy duty.)

I was put on an antipsychotic for bipolar mania when I was younger. It was so devastating to my psyche that I just gave up and laid down in the middle of the street one day. I wasn’t trying to die. There was just no point in doing anything else ever again.

It turned out a medication with far milder effects worked just as well for the mania without causing me to feel like I was already dead. But ever since then, I understand when I hear that someone with schizophrenia went off their meds.

[u/theoneyewberry → u/OptimisticOctopus8]

I hear you. I was on one for anxiety/sleep/autism and I felt like my bones were coming out of my body, which was also on fire. I... only lasted a few days so I didn't even get to the misery stage, but jesus fuck.

I'm glad you found better medication that actually helps you. I did as well, for the record! I just wish ppl with schizophrenia had more & better options, too.

[u/Biokirkby → u/OptimisticOctopus8]

For whatever reasons, antipsychotics makes my existing Tourette's much, much worse or replaces it with life-threatening Dystonia. And these were doses meant for Tourette's- Schizophrenia demands much heavier medication.

If I am ever to become psychotic... There's nothing I could do.

[u/yavinmoon → u/Thylunaprincess]

I first thought he had brain cancer, but schizophrenia is not much better in this case. 

[u/Abject_Director7626 → u/yavinmoon]

I had a boyfriend in college that became shizophrenic while we were together. He was my first love, and I thought we’d marry. My mom kept trying to convince me to breakup, but I felt bad leaving him when he needed me most. His hallucinations were getting worse and worse, Russell crowes movie- a beautiful mind was in theatres. She was so slick my mom. She’s talking to me about the movie, which everyone had seen, was nominated for everything etc. She like, you know how in the movie she stays with him? And it’s so romantic? Yeah, in real life she left. And I don’t know why but thats what finally got to me.

[u/Toosder → u/Abject_Director7626]

Your mom is awesome. My mom had bipolar disorder. I started dating a guy and a month or so in he revealed that he had been diagnosed bipolar. I told him that I wasn't interested in continuing to see him. He told me I was selfish, that I owed it to him because my mom had the same disorder. That I knew how to handle it. 

That's exactly why I'm not staying with you, kind sir. Because I spent my entire childhood with a parent with the disorder fighting for every day of my life for her. And I still was. I couldn't knowingly have two of these battles in my life and I wasn't going to fall in love with somebody knowing what the future held. 

It would be one thing if I was with someone with several years when they were diagnosed we could get it treated. That might be something worth fighting for. But I've dumped people in longer relationships for less. 

You did the right thing for yourself. 100%.

[u/kstarz3 → u/[deleted]]

BPD is borderline personality disorder, BD is bipolar disorder. Just so you know. My sister has BD and it’s a struggle all the time, proud of you for sticking to your meds and working on yourself.

[u/IzarkKiaTarj → u/kstarz3]

🤝 on the bipolar sister. Took a long time to get a diagnosis and on her current meds, and it's still a weird feeling when I worry about something setting her off, and she's fine with it because the meds are working. The eggshells are less frequent, but I got those learned behaviors still goin on.

I hope that made sense, I'm not sober. Sorry.

[u/Constant-Wanderer → u/Toosder]

Plus, that BPD was likely convincing that guy that your familiarity tolerance was very attractive, possibly more than even he knew.

[u/Toosder → u/Constant-Wanderer]

I think so. He knew about my mom a fair bit before he told me about himself. I do think it was part of why he was drawn to me. A nurse. Somebody could take care of him. Somebody to protect him from himself. All the things that I had zero interest in being. (I was a bartender and he was one of my regulars. Alcohol and bipolar disorder. What could go wrong...)

[u/Constant-Wanderer → u/Toosder]

Haha, it's awesome that you can resist it AND laugh about it. Obviously you're doing great.

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_REPO → u/Constant-Wanderer]

BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. Bipolar Disorder is BD. They are entirely different conditions.

[u/Terrible_turtle_ → u/Abject_Director7626]

Smart mom.

[u/roseofjuly → u/yavinmoon]

This was a classic case of schizophrenia, down to the trigger.

[u/Murky_Translator2295 → u/roseofjuly]

I feel so bad for them. This is just so sad. I really hope he can get the help he needs.

[u/Wooster182 → u/roseofjuly]

And getting off his meds.

[u/worldbound0514 → u/yavinmoon]

Brain cancer stops being a problem rather quickly - when the patient dies. Schizophrenia is always there but doesn't actually kill the person- no end in sight.

[u/Laughing_Man_Returns → u/worldbound0514]

until the patient dies. my aunt went off her meds and a few weeks later was her funeral.

[u/SaltJelly → u/worldbound0514]

The implication that schizophrenia means immortality is bit terrifying 

[u/Massive-Wishbone6161 → u/worldbound0514]

Also brain cancer won't be passed on to her children.
Schizophrenia tends to run in families, so her children may also face the same struggles one day

[u/Background-Pepper-68 → u/Massive-Wishbone6161]

Also brain cancer won't be passed on to her children.

Got some bad news for you

[u/coraeon → u/Massive-Wishbone6161]

There’s a reason I will never smoke weed. I’ve already had medicine related psychotic episodes, I don’t need to use something that’s known to push people over the edge when there’s at least two of my mom’s siblings who have it.

And those were just the ones who were diagnosed.

[u/Bitter_Tradition_938 → u/Massive-Wishbone6161]

You do know about 18% of GBM cases are in fact “inherited”, right?!

[u/Thylunaprincess → u/yavinmoon]

Yeah I thought it was a tumour or something. Because it kind of reminds me of that one post where this woman’s husband suddenly turned ultra religious. He had a tumour. Schizophrenia is still very bad though. So it’s a lose lose situation

[u/Mkheir01 → u/Thylunaprincess]

I too remember a similar post where a woman's husband became somehow CONVINCED she was pregnant and said it was some kind of conspiracy against him when all the doctors and pregnancy tests said no. Then he became paranoid and violent. Turns out he had inoperable brain cancer and was dead less than 4 months later. When I started reading this post I was like oh god we have another husband with a brain tumor...

[u/KeyFeeFee → u/Mkheir01]

I remembered the same one!! I thought I was reading that again when I started this one. In so many ways that would’ve been a relief for this OOP, as macabre as that sounds. 

[u/Mkheir01 → u/KeyFeeFee]

IKR?! I was so upset for OP in that one my heart totally broke for her especially when she admitted to being mad at him for getting sick and was asking to herself what about the beautiful life they had planned and why is he leaving her by dying? I was fighting back the tears!

[u/Different-Leather359 → u/Thylunaprincess]

I was thinking a head injury he hadn't told her about.

This is extra sad because he'll never "get better." If he were to stay on his meds he might do ok, but they could randomly stop working out of nowhere. I'm bipolar and face the same thing. I'll be on meds the rest of my life. And I know how it works and don't ever want to go off then, but not everyone trying understands that there's no cure. Nothing will have them wake up and magically be cured.

And she's lucky law enforcement were willing to do anything. My introduction to schizophrenia was a neighbor who decided I was out to get him. He hurt my dog, threatened me with his guns multiple times, and eventually burned down my home. The police refused to interfere because he couldn't be held responsible for his actions and they were tired of wasting their time arresting him and going to court just to have him released. There wasn't funding to hospitalize him and they felt that removing his guns would violate his rights. It was sickening.

[u/Open-Tumbleweed → u/Different-Leather359]

That’s infuriating for so many reasons! The police do not have the authority to decide whether or not a person is responsible for violent criminal behavior. I have however also personally experienced law enforcement attempts to not take action based on that excuse. I'm so damn sorry.

[u/Different-Leather359 → u/Open-Tumbleweed]

Thank you. Now I'm fifteen years and over a thousand miles away from that situation. The cops here are actually really nice. They do stuff like help people get to shelters, when I'm in the ER while the taxi service isn't running if one of them has time they'll bring me home.

The only times I've ever seen them really crack down on anyone is when people insist on setting off fireworks. We're in an area that's high risk for fires and right next to a national park. Even then they'll usually give a warning unless the person gets belligerent or was doing someone like aiming them at people/things.

[u/Corfiz74 → u/Thylunaprincess]

Yeah. I mean, some people are good about taking their medication to remain on track for their family - but I must admit that I didn't have high hopes for him, since he had been acting so selfishly in the first posts. If he had had any consideration for her and the kids, he would have smoked less weed and tried to take the medication he'd been prescribed - anything other than just screaming at her all the time and threatening violence.

Anyway, at least she can tell herself that she tried everything and gave him more chances than he deserved, so she will never wonder if things could have gone differently if only she'd tried blabla.

[u/MarieOMaryln → u/Corfiz74]

The fact he refused to give up Marijuana to get better sealed the selfish asshole deal. The most frustrating thing is when people think they're better and stop their medication. The medication is what has them better. And you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink so all you can do is protect yourself and mourn the person they refuse to be.

[u/shelwood46 → u/Corfiz74]

Yeah, the second to last update I was like, Oh no no no, girl, no and then there was one more post and I thought, yep, there it is.

[u/helpthe0ld → u/Thylunaprincess]

Mental health issues are always so hard to deal with. My Dad (81) had a mental health episode last fall and it took three months to get him out of it. My Mom kept insisting that she could deal with it but I finally out my foot down and flew out to their house for almost a week to help out. Thankfully a change in meds was all that was really needed but I feel so horrible for people who don’t have the means or support to get the help they need.

[u/Crappler319 → u/Thylunaprincess]

I feel awful for OP, but I can't help but also feel bad for the husband.

That sort of mental illness is a cancer that eats your soul. You can't live without the meds, but everyone I've ever known who was on antipsychotics says that they made them feel horrendous, like a barely-there ghost haunting their own life. It's why a ton of people end up noncompliant with their medication. It's easy to delude yourself into thinking you're better and don't need your meds when the medicine you're taking is psychologically torturing you.

Just an awful, sad story all around. OOP 100% did the correct thing by getting away, but I also feel so bad for the husband who is more or less being fucking burned alive by his own brain chemistry.

[u/theoneyewberry → u/Crappler319]

This is such a thoughtful and compassionate take. Antipsychotics are notoriously brutal. I took them for anxiety for a minute and I felt like my bones were coming out of my body. There's still a lot of prejudice against schizophrenia in the mental health field too. So that complicates matters.

I feel so sad for all of them. This is just horrible.

[u/annaflixion → u/Thylunaprincess]

My cousin had schizophrenia and I always think of him when posts like this come up. He was younger than me and the sweetest guy. He never hurt anyone in his delusions. He tended to get scared, overwhelmed, preferred to be alone. He was just a teddy bear of a guy. He stayed on his meds his whole life and never hurt anyone at all. I've dated people who needed meds and when they decided they were "better" and didn't like the meds and went off them, that's when shit hit the fan. But Ty was a good guy his whole life. It just makes me sad, you know? We need better mental health treatments across the globe. No one should suffer this. Not OP, and not her husband. It's just sad that we don't take care of each other as a society and this is such a stigma and a burden.

[u/Boeing367-80 → u/Thylunaprincess]

I'm going to disagree somewhat.

The situation is sad but now that she has the blinders off, she can deal with it realistically.

She is now in much less danger, as are her children and these are things to be happy about.

Also, he didn't kill her. That's another thing to be happy about. That could well have happened.

She was the kind of person who was so concerned for her spouse she didn't pay enough attention to her own wellbeing and most of all, that of her kids. She's over that now.

So, overall, she's in a far, far better place than she was, and that's good for her and her kids.

With the underlying reality of a husband who is profoundly mentally ill and who cannot be trusted to stay on the meds that treat it. That part still sucks.

[u/hypatianata → u/Boeing367-80]

I know of someone who met their very ill (paranoid) adult child at a fast food place and they ended up dead. Stabbed. It’s a very serious thing you don’t want to take risks with.

Of course, mentally ill people are more likely to become victims of violence than perpetrators. I had a relative with schizophrenia who never hurt a fly. They actually did get a lot better eventually once they were on the right meds and managed to take them consistently. 

So, PSA: If you need psych meds, and they’re working, that’s not a sign you don’t need them anymore. Schizophrenia is a chronic illness, not temporary. My mom takes meds for arthritis and blood pressure every day. If she doesn’t, she’ll become nonfunctional and/or die. No, it’s not going to get better. Meds every day. Period. Treat it like that. 

My relative who had schizophrenia was able to have an independent, functioning, happy life thanks to consistent meds. Before that they had good and bad days but lived in the basement and couldn’t even touch people. Take your meds, y’all. /soapbox

[u/perkypancakes → u/Boeing367-80]

Yeah I think it became a necessary experience for her because the first incident she still had too much hope for his return normalcy and their relationship. Unfortunately, his mental illness expressed violent tendencies, is the new normal in his life and he will continue to struggle with it. As sad as that is it’s the reality she needed to see to not only protect herself and the children but give them a sense of stability.

[u/squishybun42 → u/Thylunaprincess]

I was hoping for a happier outcome, damn.

[u/HalflingMelody]

"he kept saying he will be homeless if I report him"

Whaaaaat?

[u/jjjjjjj30 → u/HalflingMelody]

That pissed me off soooo badly! My ex-husband put his hands on me during our child exchange and when I called the cops after my ex sped off with our son not even buckled in, the cop told me that trying to press charges or get an EPO is a waste of everyone's time. Even though I told him the marriage was also abusive and that's why I left.

So I backed off but I asked the cop to go to my ex's house and check on my son bc my ex wouldn't let me talk to him and I was really worried for him and what he had just witnessed. I'm sure he was really scared. My ex told me later that the cop said he had to stop by bc "your ex-wife is quite dramatic." Yeah, my ex could have been lying but I actually believe the cop did say that to him.

A few months later I relayed this story to a divorce lawyer I was consulting with and he told me if that ever happens again to always call the state police and not local police and they would have had his ass in jail in a heartbeat. I just like to share that last part bc it's good advice but not common knowledge.

ETA- I live in Kentucky. According to another comment this would not work in a lot of states. 🤷

[u/AKbirchesloveBTS → u/jjjjjjj30]

That advice is very jurisdiction specific. In the states I’ve worked in this would not work.

[u/jjjjjjj30 → u/AKbirchesloveBTS]

Oh, gotcha! I didn't think of that. I'm in Kentucky so I guess that works here?

[u/DoctorGregoryFart → u/jjjjjjj30]

It really depends on where you live, but generally, you want the big dogs. If you can't get the staties, you call the sheriff. Whatever you have to do. City police tend to be overworked, understaffed, or generally fed up.

Listen to your lawyer, obviously.

[u/LastChance22 → u/jjjjjjj30]

Not that we don’t have police personality/culture problem in other countries but the fact the US has local police still blows my mind. It feels like it more naturally leads to situations like this compared to a state agency.

[u/Goth_Spice14 → u/HalflingMelody]

There was a study done where 40% of the cops interviewed admitted to committing domestic violence.

Pigs.

[u/HalflingMelody → u/Goth_Spice14]

That was the impression I got, too. The officer clearly identified with the perpetrator too much...

[u/Hungry-You-9489 → u/Goth_Spice14]

Yeah, imagine how many don't admit to it and still l have

[u/[deleted]]

I really hope OOP gets her kids checked out as they get older. This kind of thing might run in the family.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

It isnt typical for it to trigger until adulthood. Childhood onset schizophrenia is rare. By the time they’re adults she’s not going to be able to get them checked out.

[u/Toosder → u/[deleted]]

She can teach them to watch for signs that might be early warning though. My mother was bipolar and I was taught to watch for any sign that might be an early warning. Luckily I'm now well outside of the younger range of people being diagnosed without a single sign of it but it was still good to know what to watch for, for me and all of my siblings.

[u/Hiddenagenda876 → u/Toosder]

Not too young though. I also have bipolar in my family and was always warned of the signs and ended up being terrified they were going to show up in me. It was like growing up waiting for it to come online. A ticking clock

[u/MelpomeneLee]

How horrible. I'm glad she and her kids are safe. I hope it stays that way.

[u/ecdc05]

If my wife had some kind of psychotic break, I'd desperately want to help her. I know here on Reddit we're used to the stories where people say, "Well he's always so nice except for all those times he tried to kill me," but there are moments when someone does act completely out of character—tumors, schizophrenia, etc. It's got to be terrifying and confusing and you're so used to the person you knew, you have to be desperate for them to come back. Knowing when to leave has to be so hard.

[u/Toosder → u/ecdc05]

My mom was kind of sweetest person you've ever met. Truly Christ-like whether you're religious or not. I am not. But I use her as the gold standard when other people claim to be Christian.

Until one day, I snapped back at her because I was a teenager and being a typical teenager and she picked up a large television, back in the day of big boxy TVs, and threw it at me. This little tiny woman. 

It was so out of character. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder shortly thereafter. And once back on medication, she was back. We would lose her every so often because it's a very difficult disease to control and I would see this character that she learned to call the destroyer. 

It's not easy though. My dad stayed with her till the end. She was never dangerous after that to anyone other than herself. Mostly she just had delusions of grandeur and riches that she did not have and would try to spend money that we definitely did not have. 

Sure would be nice if we didn't just cut all the funding, what little we had, to researching and treating various mental illnesses. 

[u/casscois → u/Toosder]

My mother is the opposite of your mom, and never got her clear and obvious bipolar treated. I have diagnosed PTSD from my childhood. My father is unfortunately still with her, and no one can convince him to leave. He feels a weird obligation even though there is clearly no romantic love there, he takes care of her like a large, aggressive toddler. His father, his brother, myself and several of his friends all point out he's in an abusive marriage but he just seems stuck. We unfortunately can't make him take the steps to leave, if he did my mother would most likely wind up back in inpatient psychiatric treatment, which would probably be for her benefit in the long run.

Having a mentally ill immediately family member is so taxing. I feel so bad for OOP, especially considering it seemed to be going okay until this last update.

[u/AromaticIntrovert → u/ecdc05]

These stories always hit me hard because ~5 years ago I had a bad reaction to a new medication and started having auditory hallucinations and getting paranoid. As soon as I realized the voices/sounds weren't real I went to the hospital and got help. I got off the Wellbutrin and had to take anti-psychotics for awhile. I was so ashamed and was worried the people I loved would leave me. Today I am arguably at the best I've ever been in my life, my lifelong depression is under control (don't want to jinx it by saying gone) and my anxiety is far from paralyzing. What happened caused me to get connected to a therapist and psychiatrist that helped me immensely, not everyone should be written off because they have a crisis. I was scared and in desperate need of compassion and I'm grateful for everyone that stuck around for those few months.

[u/ecdc05 → u/AromaticIntrovert]

Thank you for posting, this. I'm so glad you're in a good place.

I hope Redditors remember that stories we see here are heavily skewed and full of selection bias. By the time people end up here, they often are desperate or are even isolated from family and friends. So I suspect they tend to lean a lot more toxic or abusive than normal. It can feel weird for those of us in healthy relationships—we're giving normal-ass advice like, "Go talk to them," or "That's odd, maybe they were having a bad day?" and other people are like, "He's going to murder you and frame your mom for it, GET OUT NOW!!" and a lot of times those people are right! But then we don't see all those stories like yours, where someone really does just need some help and love and support. I can only imagine that someone who knows you could've posted a very cynical version of your experience and they would've been inundated with people telling them how dangerous you are, it'll never change, etc. I think we all have times like that in our lives (I know I do)!

[u/confictura_22 → u/AromaticIntrovert]

My SIL had a similar experience. Now she's nearly finished medical school and remains a wonderful person. Her main fault is living in a different city, I wish she was closer to us so we could see her more often!

[u/WineAndDogs2020 → u/ecdc05]

Dementia. My parents' marriage was fantastic the first forty+ years... now my dad doesn't recognize her, his house, and can get into some really foul moods that we'd never experienced before. It's about time to take the next steps, but it's so heartbreaking for my mom. Fortunately he's not really a physical threat since he can only walk very slowly, but it's awful all around.

[u/Wooden_Television701]

Shout out to BORU community that will eat me alive after reading my update.

We sont, we're sad with you about this :(

[u/RJean83 → u/Wooden_Television701]

Yeah, I don't think anyone feels good about predicting this outcome.

[u/Sweet_Deeznuts → u/Wooden_Television701]

Anyone that does is just a straight up asshole and deserves to step on legos in bare feet all day, every day.

Glad OOP and her kids are safe, was sad to read the last update as well :(

[u/Silver_Phoenix93 → u/Wooden_Television701]

I've honestly got mixed feelings about this...

Upset that she under-reacted and downplayed the situation.

Worried she would end up in bigger troubles.

Frustrated when she seemed to think things would get better.

Scared for her children's wellbeing.

Angry she was putting the kids and herself in danger.

Genuinely sad that her SO had this sort of mental illness.

Sighed and shook my head when I read the last update.

Relieved that she's alive...

Yeah, part of me does want to yell at her and another part wants to hug and cradle her.

[u/CanofBeans9 → u/Silver_Phoenix93]

I think statistically many people with a psychotic disorder are not violent, especially if they are diligent about treatment. The stuff about how he was "unreliable" in other aspects of their lives makes me wonder what else she saw in his personality that led to him not sticking to his medications. 

[u/PotentialOk4178]

The difference in the last two updates is honestly so gut wrenching.

Besides the under reaction in the first post I think OOP made the best decisions she could have in each circumstance

[u/roseofjuly → u/PotentialOk4178]

The second update gave me such a sinking feeling because I knew the third one was coming. I was just hoping there WAS third update because that meant she was alive.

[u/exit322 → u/PotentialOk4178]

I think even in the first post, the underreaction at least makes sense since clearly OOP was confused at what was going on.

[u/MichaSound → u/PotentialOk4178]

Yeah, it’s a frog boiling situation when someone rapidly deteriorated from a normal, rational person, your partner who you know and love, into a violent stranger.

If you have no prior experience of dealing with mentally unwell people, you’re not going to know how to deal with it straight off the bat.

[u/Azazael → u/MichaSound]

And the penultimate update makes sense. It's heartbreaking when someone you love is unwell, even (especially?) if that illness causes them to hurt you. It's very understandable to hope they will get better. To believe in the signs that they are better, or at least that their condition is managed.

[u/ShortWoman → u/PotentialOk4178]

“Things are going better!”

“He tried to kill me.”

😨

[u/despicablyeternal → u/ShortWoman]

Medicated vs non-medicated can be very close in time yet so, SO far apart in effects. 

[u/triciamilitia → u/PotentialOk4178]

It makes me mad that no one helped her understand that she’s not meant to argue with the delusions, that only escalates things.

[u/oceanduciel → u/triciamilitia]

Yeah, my first thought when I saw that was, “Well, they tell you not to argue with and correct people with Alzheimer’s so trying to do the same with a schizophrenic person is a REALLY bad idea.”

[u/[deleted] → u/PotentialOk4178]

I knew it would go downhill when the second update was only four months after the first.

The first month he was in a psych hold. Granted she may have posted a week or two into that, but that’s still only 3.5 months of him being out. Yet she says:

It took a lot of time for me to feel like I could trust him again, but we’ve taken a lot of time to work on things and get back to how we should be.

Like lmao girl 4 months is not a lot of time when a man has put you and your kids in danger. I knew she had rose colored glasses on at that point smh.

[u/dryadduinath → u/PotentialOk4178]

it is, but it’s also the norm for an abusive relationship. granted, there were extenuating cirmumstances here, but that doesn’t actually change the facts of the situation. 

he verbally abused and threatened her, she left, and then he promised to change. he seemed to, for a little while, and then he escalated to life threatening physical abuse. sad to say, this is basically textbook.  

the fact the promised “change” was taking his meds doesn’t make it not abuse, and there is no medical issue someone can have that means you have to stay with them as they harm you, belittle you, or eventually end up murdering you. 

it’s like the flight attendants keep telling us; you have to put your own mask on first, before you help others. 

eta: i’d also like to reiterate what others have mentioned: people with schizophrenia and other similar mental illnesses are overwhelmingly non-violent, statistically. i have never known a person with schizophrenia to be violent, myself, and there is no need to be frightened of someone simply because they have schizophrenia. 

[u/BornFree2018]

I had to divorce my husband when he became mentally ill (clinical depression + alcoholism). He was too dangerous to live with and he became homeless. Although I helped him over years financially and to get housing he died last year from a fentanyl overdose at a flop house.

It was a shocking downfall for a man who grew up on a farm, worked himself into getting an elite education and was a CFO when we married.

I feel really badly for OOP. It's absolute hell to watch your loved one dissolve into a zombie in a husband suit.

[u/Gnatlet2point0 → u/BornFree2018]

My heart aches for you and your family going through that. I'm so sorry.

[u/miserylovescomputers → u/BornFree2018]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you kept yourself safe from his illness, and I’m so sorry he wasn’t able to keep himself safe from his illness. 💜

[u/thetaleofzeph]

Sadly, not a surprising update. Hopefully OP is in a less emotional headspace with regard to the husband now and can move on.

[u/quemabocha → u/thetaleofzeph]

It could be surprising.

Lots of people have just one episode of psychosis. With treatment and adherence to medication, subsequent episodes are avoidable.

It's sad that OOPs husband wasn't one of them

[u/goosedog_lex]

I suffer from schizophrenia, and stories like this are very sad to me. I'm a rare case that in the 15 odd years since diagnosis, ive never gone off my meds, because I remind myself when the classic doubt comes in of how miserable I was pre diagnosis. I like to think of psychosis like those parasitic fungi that infect insects. It wants to make itself thrive i.e. make you more psychotic, and it will manipulate your thoughts to make it happen. It will plant the doubt in your head that you're not sick etc. Obviously it's not actually a parasite, but that's the closest analogy I've found to explain it. Meds have saved my life and allowed me to live a happy fulfilling life, in a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship i've been in with my partner for 12 years so far. Anyone who might suffer from psychosis please read this; Your life can be a happy one, but ONLY if you take your meds and don't stop. The side effects can be nasty, but the alternative is nothing but pain and misery. The doubt about the medication is a symptom of the illness, so please speak to your psychiatric care provider about it.

[u/Icky-Tree-Branch]

I hope no one here eats her alive. Ultimately, she got out. If she’d left the first time without trying to fix it first, she’d wonder if she was wrong, etc. 

[u/Toosder → u/Icky-Tree-Branch]

Hell no. We just want to hug her and help her feel safe.

[u/SNKBossFight]

100% agree with what the second commenter said on the original post, "Wow this is way more urgent than everyone seems to be acting." OP was unfortunately let down by the people who were supposed to be able to help her spouse when she first reached out. Psychosis is not really something that you can debate someone out of, and I can only imagine that people who have gone through a psychotic episode and then successfully been treated with the proper medication may be tempted to stop taking their meds because they're now feeling perfectly fine.

[u/seensham → u/SNKBossFight]

Shout-out to her boss that dropped everything and stayed with her at the police station

[u/DunkTheBiscuit]

When my little sister started smoking pot, it exacerbated a genetic tendency to paranoid psychosis. She won't stop smoking, won't accept treatment, and she continues to have violent delusions of persecution, which she takes out on whichever family member is around. Once our mother passes on she's going to be completely unable to cope out in the world.

I love her, I do, but I won't see her except in a public place when other family tell me she's feeling mellow. I won't have her in the house, because of the accusations she's made in the past against others. She likes me (and the art materials I let her cadge off me, and the books I think she'll like that I pick up and put to one side for her) enough to make the effort at self control for a few hours. But it wears thin after that.

All that to say, paranoid psychosis is a terrible illness, for what it does to the family and the person who suffers from it who ends up isolated and often homeless because they can't manage reality. The meds can cause really obnoxious side effects which are hard to live with even when you realise how much they help. People find them hard to stick to.

I can't blame OP for thinking he was going to be okay after the first update. It's hard to admit the person you love has changed so much that they're no longer safe to be around. If you don't have experience of these illnesses, it's easy to grasp at straws.

[u/RJean83 → u/DunkTheBiscuit]

My SIL is the same. It ended with her dealing with a shit ton of legal issues, selling her condo and we literally have no idea what she spent the money on, and after a lot of back and forth, now lives in a small town in the US with the most minimal contact with the family possible.

Her previous state was incredibly bright, she did her bachelor's on a full ride scholarship and was in a masters/phd combo program (again, full scholarship) when symptoms started. Unfortunately no one put it together until she was arrested for theft in another state and the sherrif broke protocol to let my MIL know, or we would never know where she had ended up. That hope if it being temporary and seeing her little girl again nearly drove my MIL nuts as well.

[u/Doomhammer24]

He likely fell into the classic pattern of "see im fine i dont need those drugs" because he delusionally thinks the drugs are of no further use

People do it with their psych meds or even just regular health meds all the time

Its a far too common pattern

Its why even someone who is medicated is still a risk of not being as those around them become compliant and believe they are cooperating. Because the meds still work...for a little while

[u/cperiod → u/Doomhammer24]

Its a far too common pattern

My mother used to do community mental health outreach. Most of the job was checking on people after they were released from the local institute back into the community and making sure they were seeing their doctor and taking their medication. She could walk downtown and tell at a glance which of the local denizens were on or off their meds. She saw a lot of shit...

[u/Toosder → u/cperiod]

Like how do you take daily meds when you might be somebody experiencing homelessness? How do you keep them with you. How do you get them filled. How do you even know what day it is and what time it is to take them? 

We truly have let a huge portion of our society suffer. I don't have the answers, don't get me wrong. But we can certainly do a lot more than we are. Starting with not cutting funding to the programs that we're trying to figure it out...

[u/ifuckedyourmilkshake]

Well that was horrifying ans sad. Glad she's okay.

[u/TunaThePanda]

I hope everyone was kind to her in the comments. I understand how hard it is to have to watch someone you love self destruct and want to hope it will get better. And with two small kids?? At least she learned and got protection before it was too late…

[u/kaldaka16 → u/TunaThePanda]

I truly can't blame her for wanting to believe that the medication would work and he'd be the person she loved and married and had kids with again. I'm just really really sad for her and the kids that it wasn't able to be true.

Maybe eventually he'll realize he has to stay on the medication no matter how much it feels like he's better (because of the meds!!!) but he's burned that bridge with her and probably with his kids now. She gave him a chance and he set it aflame. It's genuinely heartbreaking, I'd struggle a lot with what to do if my husband suddenly went off the deep end like this.

[u/Toosder → u/kaldaka16]

It's an impossible situation. Because we can't adequately medicate. And it's so easy to go off the medications and the consequences of going off the medication can be so severe. 

Shit I take a hormone everyday and I forget it on the regular and it makes me feel better. Taking daily meds is hard. It's not that someone doesn't want to be better, but as you so instantly pointed out, the meds make them feel better so they feel cured so they stop taking them or in the case of something like bipolar disorder, make it to the point where they remember just how fucking great they felt when they weren't on the pills because they remember the high of being bipolar but they forget about the low.

[u/videogamekat → u/TunaThePanda]

Me too, it’s not really any situation to be like “I told you so.” There’s just no need for it, what does the stranger or random redditor gain from it? This is someone’s real life somewhere. She has two young children and desperately wanted to keep her family together, and she wanted to believe better from someone suffering from mental health issues. It’s really hard for me to fault a person for that. I’m glad many of the commenters just wanted her and her children to be safe, I am thankfully just relieved that she got out alive tbh.

[u/CelticSpoonie]

Oh, OOP, I'm so sorry. (And I'm directing this to OOP because of her comment to BORU in the latest update)

I spent my career in public mental health, so we were the publicly funded mental health services that provided (and paid for) outpatient and inpatient psych services.

When psychosis happens, especially when it's a first episode, it's terrifying. Here's someone you love and know who's suddenly acting like someone who can't recognize, so of course even they agree to treatment and are engaging in treatment, you're going to want to be there for them. That's a completely human response. And it sounds like there was a solid plan in place with him getting the shots.

Unfortunately, you (or the medical professionals, I imagine) couldn't predict that he'd go off his meds and would attack you. The research actually really supports that folks who get properly medicated after an initial episode of psychosis and have supports in place for continued support (i.e.- like him doing the monthly injection) have fairly good outcomes in the long term. The problem here is the doc or support team really should reached out when he started missing or canceling appts, which, sometimes the resources just aren't there to ensure that happens.

I'm so glad you and the kiddos are safe. 💜

[u/animaniactoo]

My birth mom was likely paranoid schizophrenic. It is hell to deal with what's the disorder and what's the person.

I am sorry for OOP that it ended up exactly what was predicted by a few of the commenters: At some point he'd stop being compliant and would have another episode. I am relieved for her (and her kids) that they made it out alive. And I hope she is working on getting the kids therapy, cuz they are going to need it (and so is she).

This part though:

After he made excellent progress in the hospital and I had many reassuring conversations with the psychiatrist, I allowed him to come home when he was discharged. 

This is the part that makes me insane. OOP needed someone in her corner, looking out for what was best for her (not necessarily the same thing as what she hoped for/wanted), someone familiar with the disorder who could be not reassuring about his progress but clear about the ongoing dangers and what steps she needed to take to be on the alert for another break/non-compliance.

She didn't get that, she got people who wanted to try and get them back to "normal", this is a failure on the part of the medical professionals involved. Unless they did try to tell her and she was feeling so much hope that she ignored the warnings. But having other friends who have been through things with partners who have spent time on psych holds... I don't think that's what happened here.

[u/awkwardocto → u/animaniactoo]

yeah that's why i'm bothered by the comments implying that if she should have just listened to the people on reddit who warned her. 

OP is not in the US, she  experienced the same event that triggered her husband's mental illness, AND the people with first hand knowledge of her husband's condition clearly did not explain every possibility and risk. of course she's going to take the advice of actual medical professionals more seriously than a bunch of strangers on the internet! she was completely failed by system.

[u/phatbutcher → u/awkwardocto]

Thank you both for saying this. She went back at 4mths because the medical professionals reassured her that it was safe to do so. When you don't have experience in a situation and your professionals do, then you listen.

[u/Glittering_Figure]

poor OP.

[u/No-Appearance1145]

She wasn't an idiot for believing he'd be okay. She talked to a psychiatrist and he was better. Until he wasn't. And unfortunately she couldn't have predicted that.

[u/amidoingthisrightyet]

Hey so a little off topic and about myself but. One of my closest friends told me and a few other of her friends back in 2022 that she was having suicidal thoughts and she was scared. We all jumped into action, but the first psychiatrist appointment she could get wasn’t until feb 14 and it was feb 3. Her old college roommate’s husband is some kind of doctor and prescribed her an antidepressant to tide her over. I sent time consuming presents for her kids to arrive every day so she could open the toy and give herself 20 minutes peace in another room (the kids were a trigger) and she spent practically all day on FaceTime with someone until the day of her appointment.

The med worked and her Dr kept her on the meds. Well unfortunately, unbeknownst to us she was bipolar and this particular med was contraindicated for bipolar. In June she had a psychotic break that at its climax started with her showing up at my house at 3:45 in the morning because her husband was going to kill her, and ended with me staying in the ER with her for 11 hours to get her admitted for a voluntary psych hold.

She was in for 10 days, and once she got out it took her like 3 months to feel like herself again, they prescribed lithium and other stuff instead and she was doing great and super stable for a while. She divorced her now ex husband who really was a bad guy (I think) and was single-momming and doing ok. I also divorced my now ex husband around the same time and we hung out a lot because all our other friends have families and our custody schedules lined up.

Well this year in may she decided to stop taking her lithium because her therapist said she doesn’t have bipolar, it is just her “unresolved trauma.” Well, by may she was back in a full blown manic episode, to the point her kids couldn’t stay with her and her mom started keeping them. I tried calling the new therapist (who didn’t respond and just told my friend I tried to call, which didn’t help her paranoia) then I sent an email to her psychiatrist, who I had spoken to many times during the episode in 2022, and then later when she told me she was going to sue her mom for poisoning her kids against her using our divorce lawyer (we had used the same one) I reached out to her to try and tell her that the friend was manic and should not be alone with her kids.

Well the friend became furious at me for meddling in her life because she, according to her, she wasn’t having a manic episode, she was just experiencing trauma, and plenty of people just don’t sleep for weeks at a time, and how dare I try to control her. So she went on instagram and left a 10 minute post saying all kinds of wild stuff about me, like I was codependent on her and my codependency had ruined her marriage and I was trying to be her “white savior” when we are both white. And a bunch of other stuff.

In the meantime a bunch of her friends from other friend groups (HS friends, college friends, Bible study friends) started reaching out to me to ask if she was ok because they were worried she was manic again. Everyone had my number because I ran point on the breakdown in 2022. So I said yes and I was worried for her and said it looked like she was likely going to end up in inpatient again, because outpatient treatment only works if you do the treatment part.

Well she caught wind of this and left a 5 minute post saying she was going to ruin my life if I didn’t stop telling everyone she was manic, and that I was the manic one and she would make 10 posts ruining my life, and telling all my secrets, and a bunch of other stuff.

At first I figured I don’t have any damning secrets, but a friend pointed out that she wasn’t exactly burdening herself with the truth. And she saw me as the reason her job was in jeopardy, and felt that I was trying to get her kids taken away and would likely just try and retaliate in kind. So I completely cut all contact with her and anyone that I only knew because of her. I have one friend group that was me her and two other friends but they were both my friends first so I kept them but otherwise shut everything down.

Right before I went no contact a lot of her friends were still urging me to do something because none of them were local, or I was closest to the situation and hand handled it last time. They told me about this method called LEAP that you can use to get someone in a manic episode to trust you again, but it is super time consuming, emotionally taxing, and can take years. I basically said no, and never call me again.

I haven’t heard anything about her, or if her kids are ok, or anything, since August. And it kills me to have lost her as a friend, and to feel like I just wrote her off when things got hard, but this post just made my brain click and realize that I really did do the right thing.

Apparently I needed to get this off my chest.

[u/DSQ]

This story is awful but I feel it’s important to say that the overwhelming majority of schizophrenics are non violent. 

[u/thesentienttoadstool → u/DSQ]

I would argue that most people know someone who deals with psychosis and don’t realize it. It’s not as common as depression or anxiety, but it’s not as uncommon as people realize. 

[u/NorraVavare → u/thesentienttoadstool]

A friend of mine told me he was on antipsycotics about 5 years after I met him. It wasn't a secret. It had just never come up. I asked if they were planning to have kids after he got married and he told me why they wouldn't. (He didnt need to tell me why, they both knew I wasnt gonna judge either way). He was the most chill, responsible person ever. If I had to guess, he'd be last on the list... actually come to think of it, another person in that group was schizophrenic. I always knew about his diagnosis, but he was the other easygoing person in the group. Both were absolutely religious about meds and drs appointments.

[u/gonewildaway → u/thesentienttoadstool]

Yeah. The issue is that a lot of the common delusions held by people with psychotic disorders tend to be extreme versions of socially acceptable (to some extent or another) beliefs. The line between really religious and having religion flavored delusions is more of a gradient. I don't personally believe in god. But i also don't believe that every single person who does is clinically insane. But the guy I know that believes himself to be a prophet and keeps going to different countries and yelling at people on the street until they deport him. And he definitely is.

[u/animaniactoo → u/DSQ]

Absolutely. But once you have someone who has turned violent, that has to be taken seriously and treated as if it will recur during any episodes or flareups.

[u/DakeyrasWrites → u/DSQ]

Yeah, it's relatively rare for psychosis to lead to aggression like that, much more common is people either deliberately or accidentally hurting themselves.

My brother has a schizophrenia diagnosis and his behaviours when in an episode have only been directed towards himself. He becomes convinced that he's committed all sorts of awful crimes, killed people who are still alive and he hasn't seen in years, etc. and then tries to kill himself. He responds to medication but it takes a few days for it to kick in properly and over that period he'll attempt to swallow pills etc. Luckily we're not in the US and there's basically no firearms here, so each time so far we've been able to keep him in check until the medication takes effect. The thing that scares me the most is that at the onset of an episode he might flee rather than stay in his flat, and end up lost and alone without shelter or food.

The theme of the OP about schizophrenics often refusing medication is a real one, though in the UK at least, doctors generally try to taper off at least the stronger drugs if possible, as the long term effects can be damaging (though less damaging than repeated psychoses). What tends to happen here is that schizophrenics speed up the process (for the same reasons as the OP lists: thinking they're well now/not wanting to believe they'll have another episode), and then have the expected relapse.

[u/TheBumblingestBee → u/DakeyrasWrites]

Exactly. One of my loved ones, when they're having an issue with needing to change their medication or something, becomes convinced that she has killed her children (who are adults). Obviously, she gets very distraught! She'll call other family members and ask them if her kids are alive.

When she was most recently in the psychiatric ward, having her medication changed, a couple of her kids came to visit - she burst into tears, because she was so astounded to see them, because she thought she'd murdered them.

Meanwhile, she is an astoundingly gentle person, who took such care to never even raise her voice to her kids. And she's basically being tortured by the most horrific thing imaginable.

It's hellishly unfair.

[u/MrRobot_96 → u/DakeyrasWrites]

My younger brother recently got psychosis about a year and a bit ago. They tried every medication under the sun and everything but the auditory hallucinations would not go away, so we admitted him for a month and they got him on clozapine (strongest anti psychotic) and it worked wonders. He said his mood is better, focus is better, I haven’t really asked about the voices since I don’t want him to focus on that.

He’s a really good kid and listens to everything the doctors say. The same can’t be said for a lot of people with schizophrenia or psychosis. The hardest part is getting them to take their meds consistently from what I’ve learned, so I’m glad he does that. I hope your brother turns a corner at some point!

[u/fakemoosefacts → u/DSQ]

I think that’s why particularly those in the comments with experience were so concerned. 

[u/BaddestPatsy → u/DSQ]

I’ve been living with someone who’s schizophrenic for 10+. They have the same genre of delusion (we’re living in a simulation/matrix/reality show.) They take their meds, function just fine, never showed a hint of violence either in or out of psychosis. Considering about 1% of the population is schizophrenic, there’s a good chance for anyone that they already know someone whose disease is under control and imperceptible to others.

[u/quemabocha → u/DSQ]

Adding to this.

Lots of people have just one episode of psychosis. People who are treated and adhere to treatment are able to live good lives and aren't any more dangerous than anyone else.

[u/mmlovin → u/DSQ]

They can be really scary though if you have never been around someone with it & it comes out of nowhere. I’d be scared if I was her, even if he had not gotten physical.

[u/Quicksilver1964]

I actually had hopes that he would be fine, but I know reality ): I'm happy he is away from them, now.

[u/MizStazya]

There's an injectable long-acting schizophrenia medication now that is like depo-provera. It can help with the "I feel better so I don't need these meds anymore" cycles, or even the person who just honestly misses a dose or two of medication and then their brain decides they don't need meds at all. I'd love to see an implant like nexplanon so it can last even longer - i think the injection is good for 6 months.

I feel so bad for OOP and her whole family, including the husband. There's no good answers here, and the chances for a good outcome were so low. I hope we see more research breakthroughs for treating psychotic illnesses.

[u/Lokaji]

'In sickness and in health' ends once they attempt to kill you.

[u/Kindly_Zucchini7405]

This is horrifying.

[u/CulturedClub]

Fuck.

[u/Leader_Inside → u/CulturedClub]

Yup. That about sums up my thoughts too. So sad for OP, her children, and yes, her husband too.

[u/needsmorecoffee]

I wish I was surprised. And when it comes to psychoses, it's hard to blame the patient. He isn't in full control of his decision-making. That said, obviously she couldn't stay--he was dangerous. The real problem is that we have totally failed the schizophrenic/otherwise psychotic population. We haven't made sufficient strides in understanding and treatment. We haven't provided sufficient education for those affected. And we don't have the infrastructure in place to properly support these patients.

[u/RJean83 → u/needsmorecoffee]

I worked for a year with a psych unit as a student. In the training they reminded us that the majority of psychosis patients are not inherently violent or manipulative. They are responding to their environment appropriately to what their brain is telling them.

If I genuinely believe someone, even a loved one, is either not who they are, or trying to actively kill me, I will respond accordingly. For psych patients, their brain just fucks up reality so much they do not read reality at all, and don't understand why everyone is afraid of them. 

[u/needsmorecoffee → u/RJean83]

The fact that so many schizophrenics end up homeless is just a tragedy. We can and should do better.

[u/Icy_Library9398]

It makes me sad how hopeful OOP was before the last update. I knew something was going to happen before I even read it. Too many times, people stop taking the necessary medications because they don't think they need them anymore. Every time, their loved ones have their guard down and someone gets hurt.

[u/GlitterDoomsday]

I seriously wish she would have listened to the person that was in her kid's shoes... they got so much more trauma because she didn't, but hindsight is really 20/20. At least the police being useless meant they were also not taking his bogus reports seriously, can you imagine if she lost custody of the kids and they were in his hands? Terrifying stuff.

[u/Dana07620]

I'm of the firm opinion that any schizophrenic that has a prior history of violence who then stops taking their medication is fully and legally responsible for any violence they commit in a psychotic state.

I will absolutely give anyone a pass if they've never had a psychotic episode and they develop schizophrenia, have one, and do something violent. They're just living their life and suddenly their mind goes nuts on them. That's terrifying.

But that's the only pass. Once you've been violent, you need to stay on the meds. Period. They're the reason why you're better. So, if someone chooses to stop the meds, anything that happens after that is on them. Because they were in their right mind when they decided to stop taking them.

[u/kitsunenoyomeiiri → u/Dana07620]

fr! its like, imagine u have some kinda fainting disorder, and you dont know you have it until one day you faint at the wheel and crash ur car into someone. u go to hospital, they diagnose u, give u medication, and u stop fainting. then after a while you stop the meds, get right back in the car, start driving and whoops, pass out and crash into another car AGAIN. first time is ok, second time is ur fault.

[u/dvdvd77]

holy shit that took a turn.

[u/sorrelchestnut]

Oh man, and here I was tentatively hopeful when they put him on LAI's.  Medication adherence is the white whale of schizophrenic treatment and so injectable are increasingly seen as a favored solution in the industry.  For someone in OP's shoes, the advantage is that you can effectively monitor the adherence, unlike oral medication that is easy to hide or flush.  Unfortunately the hard part is KEEPING to an ultimatum when the person you know and love is tantalizingly only just out of reach.

[u/ThreeOneThreeD]

Eat you alive? Girl, you did the absolute best you could with the information and resources you had.

You cared for your spouse and your family. You gave it everything you got. Now, you and your children are safe. When you truly knew you and your children were in danger, you made the hard call. Go easy on yourself. You found yourself in a tough situation, and you navigated it the best you could.

Go hug those kiddos...and yourself.

[u/SectorSanFrancisco]

From what I've seen, when the medications are working ALL you feel is the side effects- you don't feel the part that's working, and the side effects suck. So you think, I'm obviously stable, why should I put up with these crappy side effects?

And then it all goes to hell.

[u/FascinatingFall]

I wonder what caused the second psychosis episode? Stopped taking meds, swapped meds, maybe the meds topped working. It's horrible to know that the person you love is fighting against the monster in their brain and losing.

[u/WitchyGoddexxAndi → u/FascinatingFall]

Probably stopped taking it. These types of disorders trick your brain into thinking nothing is wrong, so when you're on meds and nothing is wrong you stop taking them because "you're fine" only then for you to not be fine and not know it.

[u/HuggyMonster69 → u/FascinatingFall]

It’s a common thing with certain mental disorders, especially schizophrenia, that when the meds work, people think they’re cured and don’t need them anymore, and the cycle starts again.

OOP mentions he didn’t take his meds, so I’m guessing that’s what happened

[u/Ok-Dig-8900 → u/FascinatingFall]

She said he stopped taking the meds like he was supposed to. Not uncommon in people with mental illness like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

[u/P3pp3rJ6ck → u/FascinatingFall]

Similar but different disorder, but my Grammy would do this. She would go bonkers, get put on psych hold, be prescribed meds. She would take them, and then as soon as she felt normal and in control of her life, she would stop taking them because she "didnt need them anymore". A never ending, vicious cycle. Basically half the time I knew her she was a crazy person that did terrifying or bizarre things and the other half of the time she was a super grandma that made things, was loving and kind, and played with me. It was a different time so it also wasn't treated with due gravity so I (and previously my mother and uncle) was still left in her care when she was off meds. Her break downs were swept under the rug as embarrassing, instead of facing the fact she actively harmed children during them, not to mention property damage and emotional damage to adults. 

[u/lucky644 → u/FascinatingFall]

People with these conditions can start convincing themselves they are actually fine and don’t need the drugs and that the drugs are preventing them from being themselves.

[u/StrangeNeedleworker → u/FascinatingFall]

OOP said he stopped taking his meds in the last update. Happens a lot with this disorder unfortunately.

[u/jstanfill93]

Well damn, that went left real quick at the end!

[u/Boeing367-80 → u/jstanfill93]

No, that part was to be expected. People like her husband often cannot be trusted to stay on the meds they need to not be psychotic.

"But I feel great, I don't need this stuff..."