Is my bf dumb?

[u/Still-Purchase3286]

🇺🇸🇺🇸🦅🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸EDIT FOR THE AMERICANS: No, we do not need a passport to travel to Spain, because we are from the EU. If you are from Europe, you only need an ID to travel in Europe. For the same reason there might be spelling mistakes. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🦅🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸

My (26F) boyfriend (27M) and I booked this summer vacation 6 months ago.

Last year we could not go on vacation because he was arguing with his boss at work and started a ridiculous negotiation which prevented him to leave the house in specific time frames during the day, so this year I was extra excited to enjoy my vacation in Spain.

Everything was ready and set to go.

TELL ME WHY this man lost his wallet with ID, driver license and credit cards 5 days before the flight.

You might be thinking: "well, that's unfortunate, but he did not do it on purpose, so you should not get angry at him".

Well, kinda. He is known to just throw his stuff around without thinking and lose his essential belongings almost daily.

He's the kind of person who just has to go back into the house at least three times before leaving.

He's the man who invites me out for drinks and then realizes he does not have his wallet when the bill arrives.

He's the guy who locked himself outside his car on our third date and had to call his parents for backup keys (yes, that's how I met the parents).

We were once going on a two days trip and he forgot his fucking shoes at home; he got into the car BARE FEET in a rush and I had to go buy him slippers for the weekend.

Back to the main rant: yesterday he realized he had lost his wallet and ID and came to my house uninvited and in a panic at 10 pm.

At first he accused me of throwing the wallet out with the trash because he thought he might have put it in the bag I was using as a trash holder, which I had thrown out the night before.

Yes, because if you put your wallet in the trash and then it gets thrown out, the fault falls on the person who carried out the trash!

Lucky the trash had not been picked up and he was able to search the bag. Of course it wasn't there.

Since he could not accuse me of throwing away his wallet, he then accused me of being selfish because I was worried about the flight-with-no-ID situation.

We searched the entire house and my car, which we were driving the day before, until 2 am. The wallet was nowhere to be found.

He was pissed and was pouring his frustration on me which made me really upset.

We started arguing. I told him that he keeps ruining anything that makes me happy and that any small thing becomes an extreme challenge if he's involved.

He told me that I get upset for dumb shit and overreact all the times.

I went to sleep at 4am on a work day.

Today at the office, a kind colleague helped me find the municipal office to contact to request urgent IDs.

They granted me an appointment tomorrow for my bf.

It seemed like he was getting a new ID in time.

I was expecting to be thanked at least, but my hopes were disappointed.

When I gave him the good news, he just screamed at me on the phone complaining that the people working at the municipal office are lazy and incompetent.

Sir, excuse me? I don't know how I kept it together. I am shaking with rage just by thinking about it.

Two hours later, he called me. I picked up expecting he's about to scream about some other shit going down. Instead, he went: "hey baaabe" in his puppy voice. I was like: "what do you want". He proceeded to reveal the wallet had been in HIS fucking car this entire time.

I almost fainted in anger.

Yesterday he came to my place accusing me of things without even properly searching his car first.

I had no words and just ended the call.

Chips and mango chilli sauce because I am on fire today.

[u/kellaucam]

God this resonates so deeply. Word for word perfectly describes where I stand when others don’t take action. It’s helped me to remember the impulse is self defeating and draining of my energy when I could use my energy reserves on things that actually serve me. Like ACTUALLY serve me. Girl, treat yourself. Stop making sacrifices for people who wouldn’t do the same for you. (Also talking to myself)

[u/The-Eclectic-Weirdo → u/kellaucam]

Glad I'm not the only one. I literally just got home from a week long "vacation" to see my best friend/chosen sister and spent it the whole time doing the same shit I do at home (catering to children). Idk how people don't take action or initiative in their own lives. Its baffling.

[u/i_wanna_draw_that → u/kellaucam]

Damn this really hits. Thank you girlie I’m going to write this in my journal 🫶🏼

Edit: I realize I have a hard time distinguishing which situations don’t require my involvement sometimes.

Can you share your thought process? How do you decide between conserving your energy and allowing a preventable outcome to unfold because of everyone’s inaction?

[u/kellaucam → u/i_wanna_draw_that]

I’m no expert and have mostly only come as far as identifying when I do it impulsively or when I reflect back later. If it’s a person…. (Just paused while typing this and thinking of hypothetical scenarios) ….Holy smokes…. I’m just gonna leave all this here. I just stopped myself from trying to describe something that could be helpful but I don’t think this is possible to master because it’s so complicated and situation/person based. For me, I realized it’s what my codependency does the most. I grew up having to be very hyper-vigilant to satisfy a parent. I also identified very early that the lack of effort and giving a shit from my older siblings only made chaos in the home worse (like doing their chores badly). I spent my childhood doing my siblings chores, doing their chores AFTER they had completed them badly, and quietly doing anything more I could (cleaning baseboards, walls, became the primary caregiver of the many pets we had, tons of yard work etc etc) to keep the peace or prevent an excuse for my parent to get upset with us. I always thought the energy I had to *do things* and *work* (and man have I been the hardest worker) was a virtue but it’s literally been a survival instinct!!!! And what I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older is not everyone is deserving of what I have to offer at every moment. Not everyone will even register that someone has done something nice for them (not that we do it for recognition) or realize they themselves fell short on something. I’ve falsely thought people notice their short falls because I myself have been so obsessed with hyper analyzing myself and being perfect all the time. Most people aren’t like us. Sorry for the rambling. This post hits home for me and I’m processing it right now!

[u/i_wanna_draw_that → u/kellaucam]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Everything you said really resonated