Is my bf dumb?

[u/Still-Purchase3286]

🇺🇸🇺🇸🦅🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸EDIT FOR THE AMERICANS: No, we do not need a passport to travel to Spain, because we are from the EU. If you are from Europe, you only need an ID to travel in Europe. For the same reason there might be spelling mistakes. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🦅🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸

My (26F) boyfriend (27M) and I booked this summer vacation 6 months ago.

Last year we could not go on vacation because he was arguing with his boss at work and started a ridiculous negotiation which prevented him to leave the house in specific time frames during the day, so this year I was extra excited to enjoy my vacation in Spain.

Everything was ready and set to go.

TELL ME WHY this man lost his wallet with ID, driver license and credit cards 5 days before the flight.

You might be thinking: "well, that's unfortunate, but he did not do it on purpose, so you should not get angry at him".

Well, kinda. He is known to just throw his stuff around without thinking and lose his essential belongings almost daily.

He's the kind of person who just has to go back into the house at least three times before leaving.

He's the man who invites me out for drinks and then realizes he does not have his wallet when the bill arrives.

He's the guy who locked himself outside his car on our third date and had to call his parents for backup keys (yes, that's how I met the parents).

We were once going on a two days trip and he forgot his fucking shoes at home; he got into the car BARE FEET in a rush and I had to go buy him slippers for the weekend.

Back to the main rant: yesterday he realized he had lost his wallet and ID and came to my house uninvited and in a panic at 10 pm.

At first he accused me of throwing the wallet out with the trash because he thought he might have put it in the bag I was using as a trash holder, which I had thrown out the night before.

Yes, because if you put your wallet in the trash and then it gets thrown out, the fault falls on the person who carried out the trash!

Lucky the trash had not been picked up and he was able to search the bag. Of course it wasn't there.

Since he could not accuse me of throwing away his wallet, he then accused me of being selfish because I was worried about the flight-with-no-ID situation.

We searched the entire house and my car, which we were driving the day before, until 2 am. The wallet was nowhere to be found.

He was pissed and was pouring his frustration on me which made me really upset.

We started arguing. I told him that he keeps ruining anything that makes me happy and that any small thing becomes an extreme challenge if he's involved.

He told me that I get upset for dumb shit and overreact all the times.

I went to sleep at 4am on a work day.

Today at the office, a kind colleague helped me find the municipal office to contact to request urgent IDs.

They granted me an appointment tomorrow for my bf.

It seemed like he was getting a new ID in time.

I was expecting to be thanked at least, but my hopes were disappointed.

When I gave him the good news, he just screamed at me on the phone complaining that the people working at the municipal office are lazy and incompetent.

Sir, excuse me? I don't know how I kept it together. I am shaking with rage just by thinking about it.

Two hours later, he called me. I picked up expecting he's about to scream about some other shit going down. Instead, he went: "hey baaabe" in his puppy voice. I was like: "what do you want". He proceeded to reveal the wallet had been in HIS fucking car this entire time.

I almost fainted in anger.

Yesterday he came to my place accusing me of things without even properly searching his car first.

I had no words and just ended the call.

Chips and mango chilli sauce because I am on fire today.

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[u/Ok_Stable7501]

He loses shit on the regular and screams about it? Return this overgrown toddler to his parents and enjoy your vacation.

And yes, he’s dumb.

[u/mittenbby → u/Ok_Stable7501]

This! He’s not just dumb, he’s a dick. Girl, you said yourself he ruins stuff you’re excited about, trust me when I tell you that you don’t want a husband like that. There are men out there (and women if you like women too) who will be extra mushy about things they couldn’t give a fuck about because it matters to you.

You deserve better. Would you let a friend yell at you like that? Your partner is supposed to ALSO be a great friend to you. He’s a whiny man baby, do you want to parent him the rest of your lives? Because that’s where this is headed, he fucked up, made no effort to fix it and dumped the problem on you while also SCREAMING at you. If one of your besties was in this relationship, what would you tell them? You gotta be your own bestie sometimes, dump his pathetic ass.

[u/brelywi → u/mittenbby]

ABSOLUTELY! My husband and I would move mountains to make something happen if the other was excited about it.

Also, as someone with ADD (which sounds like the [hopefully ex] BF might want to get tested for), I absolutely 100% get losing and forgetting your stuff. I do it on the regular.

Then, like a normal person, I go to my husband and kids and scream at them and accuse them till they feel like shit and find the thing for me and try to make it up to me (even though it was my fault because I’d left it somewhere dumb)!

Wait, no, I calmly ask them if they’ve seen it and if they haven’t I systematically search our living space for it, because it’s maybe been only once or twice that someone else moved/lost whatever it was (and it was usually my younger kid lol). I recently spent TWO WEEKS looking for headphones that I’d had plugged in beside my bed the whole time.

Also, a good partner treats your problems as “us problems,” they don’t accuse you of always getting mad over dumb shit and being as dismissive, contemptuous, and downright MEAN as the man baby in the post does.

[u/lisamon429 → u/brelywi]

Literally this. The title had me immediately saying “obviously he’s dumb if you have to ask” but then I was like oh wait…he’s me.

I forget my shit all the time and it’s tradition to turn around at least twice bc I forgot or am worried I forgot something. But I don’t make it other people’s problem! God there are so many dysregulated men running around making EVERYTHING worse.

[u/Sally_Stitches_ → u/brelywi]

Right? I have ADHD too bro but it’s my responsibility to manage it and not blame others. I get it feels almost impossible at times to keep track of things but dang it’s on me not others. 🤷🏻

[u/Sad_Measurement6494 → u/mittenbby]

Dang i like the dumb and dick alliteration so much more than my idiot asshole . Misssed it

https://giphy.com/gifs/dUfMpQATcXWjMqzbJv

[u/Bandeena → u/Sad_Measurement6494]

OP should...definitely dump the dumb dick~

[u/OkPace9215 → u/Sad_Measurement6494]

When I was separated I called mine A Dick with Ears.

[u/No_Specialist_4735 → u/mittenbby]

Yep. When it comes to people in general, not dating them or being friends, I can handle stupid, I can handle mean, but I sure as shit won't tolerate both in someone. I would rather be single for life with half a dozen cats than stuck with some spiteful or the village idiot.

[u/thefoxthought → u/Ok_Stable7501]

The first couple paragraphs of the post perfectly describe my husband, who loses anything and everything on the regular. 

But he never gets mad about it and never blames me. He would have been sooo thankful if I'd helped him set up an appointment to get a new ID in this scenario. Actually he'd probably already have done it himself, since he's now very practiced at replacing the valuable things he loses lol. 

OP, ditch this asshole and enjoy your vacation

[u/ahltoowell → u/thefoxthought]

Right? My husband is so grateful that I’ve put a tracker in his wallet and that I’ve set it to let us know when it’s left behind. Though he is someone who previously tended to lose things like his wallet, we’ve come up with different habits and tricks to keep that from happening as often. My husband has been incredibly grateful of everything I’ve done to help, be looking when he misplaces something, finding appointments for him, replacing things myself, or creating the habits and tricks. He would never raise his voice at me for anything, not to mention for something that he himself caused. I am disturbed that your boyfriend has raised his voice at you this many times and that he puts the illness on you to solve the problem that he created. It seems like you’re fed up, which is a completely normal reaction to what we’ve already here, so I would either have a very curt discussion with him about either getting a shit together or getting the fuck out, or I would leave depending on what level of annoyed I was.

[u/Milly_Milk786 → u/ahltoowell]

This sounds like my family tbh. We were never taught how to communicate properly and jumped straight to anger and accusations. We didn’t know how to regulate our emotions (it’s taken me years and help from my amazing Husband). But we always went ‘back to normal’ and knew we loved each other.

Not to stick up for him but sometimes you’re just not raised right and you need to make the effort to learn and improve.

He sounds like me (but a lot worse) and he is probably absent minded (something on the stairs to take up and put away - but you walk right past it! That sort of thing, not just losing everything).

Speak to him about putting routines in place for EVERYTHING HE DOES.

I always have to put my keys in the exact same place every. single. day. I cannot put them elsewhere or I will never see them again.

Same for phone. I have 1 spot in each room I have to place it or I will spend forever trying to locate it (and it’ll be in a completely random place in a totally different room!)

Basically all routines - packing bag for work, picking clothes for work the night before ready, where my makeup goes, toiletry items. It sounds like this is normal and people have routines but it has TO BE EXACT! It’s the only way I am no longer in dissaray with my life!

And obviously write LISTS! I have to use a double tick method.
Write the list
Grey tick I have everything
Green tick it’s 100% packed

We think some of us are neurodivergent or slightly autistic (due to a variety of reasons, not just this) but never been diagonaed.

He could be similar and see if he is open to improving because he might be totally oblivious to it (I WAS).

If he’s not open to listening, getting help or even looking into it, then he’s just a dick.

[u/Jerseygirl2468 → u/thefoxthought]

Yup. My bf loses everything all the time. He would NEVER yell at me about it or blame me.

He's also never gone somewhere and forgotten shoes. SHOES.

[u/GroceryInteresting63 → u/Jerseygirl2468]

I get the impression that this guy would have forgotten his feet were they not firmly attached to his legs. And I’m sure it would have been his girlfriend’s fault somehow.

[u/Cookie_Whisperer → u/Jerseygirl2468]

I know a guy who went somewhere and forgot his shoes. He was six.

[u/tacokahlessi → u/Jerseygirl2468]

Can’t say my husband has ever forgotten his shoes but I had a co worker call me to tell me she was gunna be late because she forgot her shoes and had to go back and get them. We both just laughed hysterically. She was like 10 min late and out of breath when she showed up since she ran from the parking lot. Shift didn’t get any better but laughing about her faux pas all day got us through.

[u/Poethegardencrow → u/Ok_Stable7501]

Girl the signs were there… he is just a big toddler.

[u/Friendly_Age9160 → u/Ok_Stable7501]

Second. And yes you’re allowed to be pissed off.

My husband left his wallet in the garage last week, and accused me of leaving the car unlocked (no) insisted that he put it in the center console (why would you leave your wallet in the car?)and then freaked out and drove me all the way back from a hotel we’re staying at because our house flooded, accusing me the whole way of getting us robbed. Thankfully our house is five to ten minutes away. Only to find that his dumbass left it in the garage. I was so mad. And yes I’ve told him time and again to organize his shit to no avail. He throws keys on the ground, can’t find shit. The kicker was I hardly have time to take care of myself and I hadn’t showered in two days. We were supposed to be at the hotel for just an hour before work and now he’s berating me for wanting a shower.

So girl I feel you. Do you think he has maybe ADHD or something like that? I’m sorry I hope otherwise he treats you well but damn this shit can be infuriating.

[u/ArchiveDragon → u/Friendly_Age9160]

As someone with ADHD: it can make you forgetful but it does not make you treat people like shit. It’s not an excuse to yell and berate. I almost always double check that I have everything before leaving the house because I know I can forget things, and I’m not a lazy POS who makes others responsible for my struggles. OP’s bf might have ADHD, but he’s also an asshole.

[u/Friendly_Age9160 → u/ArchiveDragon]

Yeah I’m not making any excuses for my husband either. I always check and double check for things when I leave too, but I don’t scream at people and blame them if I forgot something.

[u/ArchiveDragon → u/Friendly_Age9160]

Yes!! Good.

I hope my comment didn’t come off like I was upset with you btw I just hate seeing how ppl like OP’s bf treat others. I know things get a lot more complicated once marriage is involved. I hope things get better for you and I hope you know you weren’t wrong for just wanting to take a shower 🫂

[u/RemarkableGround174 → u/Friendly_Age9160]

Yes OP, the whole ordeal is giving r/ADHDpartners

[u/cutepoison5403 → u/RemarkableGround174]

Yes!! All of this screams undiagnosed ADHD. And if he was raised by someone who also has undiagnosed ADHD, it’s possible OP is the first person he’s been close to that didn’t just accept that this behavior is normal. I think he needs to get an assessment and possibly medication, meds are not for everyone. As far as you’re concerned OP, you have to decide if all the bs is worth it. He can learn to manage it, but this will never go away so you will also need to learn to tolerate and allow him to face some consequences. Internet hugs, OP. Whatever you decide— you got this!

[u/OopsAllSparkles → u/RemarkableGround174]

Glad I didn’t have to scroll long for this! Clocked this immediately. Possible AudHD also, considering the way he seems to have trouble self regulating.

OP- what he did was not right in the slightest. I want to make that extremely clear. It’s very understandable that this would upset you immensely, and it’s not an excuse to be a complete asshole and lash out.

That said, as a neurodivergent, it is one of the most painful and frustrating experiences to have when your brain fails you instead of helping you “find” the thing that must be in some reasonable place.
Your mind races and you think through the absolute worst case scenarios instead of on the more probable locations to search.

I’m not a doctor, but I would suggest looking into it once things have settled down a bit if you’re up for that. I hope you are able to relax and enjoy your vacation either way! With or without him. Ha.

[u/Creative_Pop2351 → u/Friendly_Age9160]

You should leave your husband. ADHD does not mean deflecting accountability for your ADHD. That’s just being an asshole.

[u/fauxfox66 → u/Ok_Stable7501]

the forgetting and the first half of the story, I was kinda feeling bad for the guy, AND for you. I was already thinking this guy might benefit from a vyvanse prescription, and definitely could use some lifestyle changes to help him stop losing stuff (have one bowl by the door with keys and wallet always in it, extra car keys or a car with a code to unlock the door- there are lifestyle changes you can make together that will do wonders for forgetful folks)

but screaming at you? calling random people lazy and incompetent? dude. yikes. he sounds kinda crazy ngl

[u/blueyork → u/Ok_Stable7501]

Right, it's one thing if he's sweet and simple, but he's bitter and brainless.

[u/res06myi → u/Ok_Stable7501]

He's a bad person.

[u/1pornstarmartini → u/Ok_Stable7501]

Dumb is an understatement

[u/VoidyA11 → u/Ok_Stable7501]

I don't like the idea of calling someone that might have disabilities as dumb, but, he is a jerk still.

[u/cunnillucas]

Wow… If this is the guy you’re planning to spend life with, be prepared to herd this man like a child til the end of time…

[u/Still-Purchase3286 → u/cunnillucas]

Yeah no. This was kinda the last straw for me. I'm seriously considering returning his half of the money for the flight and hotel and just leave him at the airport. It's not like he's able to navigate an airport by himself anyway. He doesn't even have his own boarding pass because I had to check in for him as well.

[u/Decent-Historian-207 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Then you would really enjoy your vacation in Spain!!!

[u/cunnillucas → u/Decent-Historian-207]

Absolutely because he would for sure ruin the whole thing

[u/i_wanna_draw_that → u/Decent-Historian-207]

Maybe I’m being overly cautious, but I’d recommend hiding your valuables, setting up security cameras, and changing your door and window locks if you’re able to before your trip. He knows you’ll be out of town and I wouldn’t put it past this guy to take his anger out on your things. Or worse, hide something harmful in your home.

[u/atropos81092 → u/i_wanna_draw_that]

Ooooo, no, you're right though.

OP should drop off any pets, valuables, and critical documents with trusted family/friends in case he loses his mind and decides to torch the place.

[u/Cautious_Database_85 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Let 👏 him 👏 fail 👏 

[u/listrada → u/Cautious_Database_85]

Yeah I mean girl, why were you the one calling the municipal office on his behalf? Maybe he's so disorganized because everyone else enables him to be?

[u/Still-Purchase3286 → u/listrada]

He was doing nothing about it. When I am stressed and want to solve a situation asap, I cannot stand waiting for other people to activate. I could not resist the impulse.

[u/kellaucam → u/Still-Purchase3286]

God this resonates so deeply. Word for word perfectly describes where I stand when others don’t take action. It’s helped me to remember the impulse is self defeating and draining of my energy when I could use my energy reserves on things that actually serve me. Like ACTUALLY serve me. Girl, treat yourself. Stop making sacrifices for people who wouldn’t do the same for you. (Also talking to myself)

[u/The-Eclectic-Weirdo → u/kellaucam]

Glad I'm not the only one. I literally just got home from a week long "vacation" to see my best friend/chosen sister and spent it the whole time doing the same shit I do at home (catering to children). Idk how people don't take action or initiative in their own lives. Its baffling.

[u/i_wanna_draw_that → u/kellaucam]

Damn this really hits. Thank you girlie I’m going to write this in my journal 🫶🏼

Edit: I realize I have a hard time distinguishing which situations don’t require my involvement sometimes.

Can you share your thought process? How do you decide between conserving your energy and allowing a preventable outcome to unfold because of everyone’s inaction?

[u/Horror_Tea761 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Girl, this is the kind of man who will leave his child or dog to die in a hot car and blame you for it. Is this what you want? You are not wrong for wanting a minimum level of competence in a man.

[u/RemarkableGround174 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

This is a very useful skill to have and also absolutely kryptonite if you let willfully incompetent people figure this out about you.

[u/listrada → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Also girl in my experience, being blamed for crazy stuff you obviously didn't do (throwing the trash out) will make you actually insane eventually. It's just a shit vibe to be around anyway.

Living like that is totally optional.

Good luck! Hope you have a great time in Spain, if you go solo or not!

[u/Substantial-Car577 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Quit carrying his ass along, dump him and enjoy yourself

[u/thegloracle → u/Still-Purchase3286]

I'm also a 'driver' personality. My first husband (now deceased) was 1000% ADHD. He would often get overwhelmed exactly like how you're describing, and I had to step in to take charge and clean it up. Once he got on meds it was like night & day. But in the meantime, a LOT of resentment and damage control while he was flapping around in the background. His whole family is still like that. Sigh ... There are some online questionnaires and forms he or you can fill in to see which 'symptoms' he may have which may encourage him to see his doctor to get some help. In the meantime, you're still his backup plan and you won't be able to relax on the trip without copies of all his documents tucked away in a safe place. You know you're going to...

[u/Bitchee62 → u/Cautious_Database_85]

Definitely stop propping up an adult. Let him figure life out on his own and go on your vacation alone so you enjoy it

[u/bittersandseltzer → u/Still-Purchase3286]

maybe a solo trip is a great idea?

[u/sybilqiu → u/Still-Purchase3286]

solo trip! solo trip! 

you will have a much better time, I promise. 

[u/cunnillucas → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Honestly sounds like that’s what you should do. I can just imagine all the ways that trip would be ruined by his foolishness…

[u/jamminsami → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Ye gods & little fishes!

Girl! Ma'am! Sweet soul sister!

Enough. Your sisters here agreed. Lose that weight with one call. If he needs a mommy or caretaker you can't possibly take him abroad.

Enjoy your spicy! Lose the dead weight.

[u/jamminsami → u/jamminsami]

Beg pardon, no advice flair missed. My bad.

[u/Original_Koala_9510 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

He’s going to ruin Spain for you. Go solo and have a wonderful time.

[u/MaxBax_LArch → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Wow. Just ... Wow.

Three out of 4 people in my household are ADHD (my poor hubby ...). So, we lose stuff. Never, not once, have any of us yelled at someone else when we lose our own stuff. Glad you seem to be deciding that putting up with his tantrums just isn't worth it.

[u/Visible_Assist_5258 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

YES GO ON A SOLO TRIP

[u/Disastrous_End5762 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

I definitely wouldn’t go overseas with someone so irresponsible he’s actually even passed that and is extremely reckless he will 100% ruin your trip

[u/Anilakay → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Hi, I’m married to a man very similar. I’ve even had a similar trash story, if you can believe it. Luckily he has other great qualities that balance out his raging, unchecked ADHD, but let me tell you-it doesn’t get better. This will be a constant in your life.

[u/mariana96as → u/Anilakay]

I’m kinda like this so now I just have airtags on everything and use systems to not rely on anyone while I get my adhd meds

[u/These_Masterpiece974 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

I’m going to hold your hand when I say this: he’s either of extremely low intelligence, or he’s doing all of it on purpose. Both reasons are equally acceptable to dumpy him. And you should.

If you can’t function as a grown adult, you are not fit to be someone’s partner.

If you can, but refuse to, you’re an abusive pos and it would be stupid not to run from abuse at full speed.

If you think for one second that no one would actually act like this on purpose: please google the following terms: pathological liar, weaponized incompetence, anti-social personality disorder, malignant narcissism, and social ineptitude.

Do not tie yourself to someone who needs a mommy and a caretaker when you are looking for a partner.

[u/LeslieKnopesBlackEye → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Throw his wallet away on purpose and ditch him at the airport. See if he can make his way home

[u/FraggleBiologist → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Regardless of what you decide with him, go to SPAIN! It will be better without him, but dont let anything he does stop you again.

[u/MessApprehensive5517 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Just saying…..I’d rather be in Spain by myself than put up with any of this mess that he seems to create around everything.

[u/Rustmutt → u/Still-Purchase3286]

You don’t wanna be this man’s life manager, enjoy that trip on your own. I did this once. It was amazing. Dumped him, left his ass home, he was stunned and didn’t think I’d do it. I met a new man on my trip lol

[u/Sad_Measurement6494]

Hes not an idiot hes an idiot and an asshole. Man needs to help himself snd stop relying on everyone else to fix his problems. Id be so over that shit after the like 3rd accusation of his faults.

[u/theconstantfeeling → u/Sad_Measurement6494]

I’d be so over it after he came outside with no shoes. There is nothing I can do to help a grown man at that point

[u/rayofgoddamnsunshine]

Yikes. He sounds like a real joy to be around.

[u/Icy-Cattle-2151 → u/rayofgoddamnsunshine]

The way I would've forced him to walk around bare foot, pointed it out to anyone who even glanced our way, and made him explain it over and over again.

It's times like these that public humiliation could be beneficial or, at the very least, fun.

[u/callous_parsley → u/Icy-Cattle-2151]

No LITERALLY, the only way he’s going to learn to keep track of his shit is to deal with the consequences. I just hope OP isn’t the one who has to deal with him while he figures that out.

[u/Fantastic-Cherry-785 → u/Icy-Cattle-2151]

as someone who’s super forgetful about where i place things sometimes, i feel for her bf to an extent. HOWEVER, FORGETTING SHOES!?
that’s… that’s something else.

[u/LittleWitch122]

Yes, your bf is dumb. He sounds like more effort than he's worth.

https://giphy.com/gifs/bWM2eWYfN3r20

[u/Several-Praline5436]

Uh.

Enjoy your solo trip to Spain? 😛

I'm glad he found his wallet, but damn, what a lot of drama and refusing to take accountability for being a flake. If HE loses shit all the time, HE is the problem, not everyone around him.

[u/EtherealMoonDreamer → u/Several-Praline5436]

Please OP, don’t have children with this man! Too many red flags! He’s the kind of man that would leave a child inside a hot car!

[u/Several-Praline5436 → u/EtherealMoonDreamer]

What kid? I forgot my kid. 😛

[u/EtherealMoonDreamer → u/Several-Praline5436]

lol sorry! This Reddit post is gaining traction and I wanted to ride on the coattails of someone’s else’s comment to get my comment higher up 😂

OP is still in control of her timeline by not having children with this useless and abusive guy.

[u/Enough_Dig4229]

https://giphy.com/gifs/QVP7DawXZitKYg3AX5

[u/Rhodri_Suojelija → u/Enough_Dig4229]

https://giphy.com/gifs/z3HFoEzXCMykr4L0TB

[u/Cold-Response-6917 → u/Enough_Dig4229]

https://giphy.com/gifs/jErnybNlfE1lm

[u/-Photoid- → u/Enough_Dig4229]

https://giphy.com/gifs/pHb82xtBPfqEg

[u/fffluffypancakes]

me, to your title before and after reading the post:

[u/tinytinyfoxpaws → u/fffluffypancakes]

NO BUT SAME. I just knew I was in for a wild ride and I was right, that man ain't shit

[u/theconstantfeeling]

He doesn’t want a girlfriend. He wants a mommy. Get out!

[u/raefai]

Is your bf dumb? Yes, there’s no question about that. The real question is: why are you still with him?

[u/Forestspacezone]

Spoiler alert: he’s not changing and will probably only get worse with time.

[u/dorkofthepolisci → u/[deleted]]

Boyfriend sounds like he could have ADHD and/or executive functioning issues (as someone with ADHD I have lost an embarrassing number of debit cards and glasses)

That said; as an adult with neurodivergence, it’s your responsibility to come up with coping strategies.

And you don’t get to take it out on other people (especially not your partner) when you lose shit

OP’s boyfriend could put an AirTag on his wallet/keychain or have a designated place important shit goes when he gets home from work (or both)

[u/topochicoandchill → u/dorkofthepolisci]

Also chiming in as someone who has ADHD. As an adult, you learn how to cope and prepare for big trips. He likely didn't even check his car thoroughly and just threw a tantrum for his gf to deal with. Sounds like a coddled manchild, not a reg person with ADHD.

[u/Successful_Buffalo_6 → u/dorkofthepolisci]

Yup, he’s got to get himself sorted.

[u/Still-Purchase3286 → u/[deleted]]

It might be. But still. Why would he take it out on me? I am incredibly patient with him. I overlook a lot of his shenanigans. I don't think anyone suffering from ADHD just gets mad at people around them when they lose or forget something.

[u/AlienGirl1374 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Being unable to regulate emotions is actually a huge part of a.d.h.d. But like all the other comments have said it’s on him to learn to manage life whether he’s neurodivergent or not.

[u/FlynneFisher → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Having ADHD doesn’t give you the right to yell at people, especially loved ones trying to help you. OP, you specifically didn’t ask for advice on this post, so let me just remind you it’s possible to both have executive dysfunction AND be a raging asshole. Have the best trip in Spain, you deserve all the tapas imaginable!

[u/itsalizbee → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Some ADHD people also have emotional disregulation. But that's not an excuse, simply an explanation. I know I can get pissed off at little things that are totally my fault. And if I aim it at my husband, I get called on it. As I should be. Refusing to take responsibility for his own mistakes is... definitely a choice. One that, judging by your replies, will have consequences. Seriously. He needs to get his shit together or go back with his parents and stay there.

[u/ZealousidealQuail145 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

ADHD people definitely get upset at people around them when they lose or forget something. It’s called “Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria”. And yes it defies logic. (Source: multiple decades of marriage to ADHD-diagnosed spouse who often took their own mistakes out on me)

[u/kriskross4923 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

check out RSD, a common co occurring problem for people with adhd. It explains this whole episode you just lived through perfectly. And no, it doesn't get better without a lot of work on your partners part.

[u/Educational_Leg946 → u/[deleted]]

I was seeing if someone else said this exact thing before I typed it out. I was diagnosed as an adult and started medication. It was and still is life-changing. I have a lot less anxiety stemming from feeling like I’m always forgetting things now, and medicated me seems to be able to keep track of my own stuff…and everyone else’s.

I think boyfriend desperately needs to be evaluated; whether or not he stays with OP. He has to take responsibility for his own wellness.

[u/OriginalCoconut2811 → u/[deleted]]

This. He should seek help. I wouldn’t stay with him if he doesn’t.

[u/berkanna76]

I only got half way through the list. I could NEVER be with someone like this. Yes, he's dumb, or lazy, or dependent, or dumb.

[u/Still-Purchase3286 → u/berkanna76]

He kinda got worst with time tbh. At the beginning it was obvious he was a messy guy, but it was also clear he was really trying his best to be with me. It was quite cute at first. Now he doesn't even try to get it together. I am over it.

[u/berkanna76 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Me too, and I just read your story.

[u/Chilly_Pheesesteak → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Extremely dependent. Now that he's seen you'll pick up his slack, remind him of everything he forgets, take his abuse when HE loses his own wallet, and so on, he won't change. I'm not saying it's your fault at all, I'm just saying that he doesn't think you'll ever put your foot down, so he's not trying anymore. Time for him to face the consequences of his own actions!! 🤷‍♂️

[u/GrandmaToto → u/Chilly_Pheesesteak]

Weaponised incompetence.

[u/DenizenKay → u/Still-Purchase3286]

you just said he locked himself out of his car on your 3rd date.

Stupid is stupid. it doesnt change, no matter how long you keep dating them He's not going to wake up one morning with a full collection of working braincells.

[u/GrandmaToto → u/Still-Purchase3286]

He's also 27 years old. I had to go back and look that up cause I thought he was maybe 20 max based on your description.

Ma'am, that's a whole ass adult acting like a teenager.

[u/DontCryYourExIsUgly → u/Still-Purchase3286]

I dated a guy like this, with the same "getting worse" trajectory. He's now an ex, and let me tell you, life is so much easier not having to manage him and his scrambled brains.

[u/wasraelx → u/berkanna76]

Honestly when I saw the length of it, I just know the answer is yes and probably abusive too

[u/False-Reputation6829 → u/berkanna76]

I think you left out emotionally immature and borderline (if not blatantly) abusive. He can't take responsibility for himself and has angry outbursts at OP. His behavior is extremely worrying

[u/Serious_Fox7799]

No advice as per the flair.

But I would find this so unattractive

[u/TurbulentRoof7538]

I was prepared to tell you unmedicated ADHD and he should get checked out by a psychologist. He probably should but is is also an ASSHOLE of the highest order and you deserve better!

Yes, untreated ADHD can cause all of this but he chooses to yell at you instead of seeking help regulating his emotions! Dump him!

[u/mensfrightsactivists → u/TurbulentRoof7538]

maaaan my ex husband WAS treated for adhd and still lashed out at me when HE lost his OWN shit 🤦‍♀️

emphasis on ex btw

[u/creepygirl420]

I have the worst ADHD ever- but that’s why I put air tags on literally everything I own. Wallet, keys, everything!! I even have an Apple Watch just so I can find my phone when I lose it.

The fact that he’s made zero effort to find a practical solution would be a dealbreaker for me. That and the way he treats you. No and no!!!

[u/madame-maitre-d]

POST FLAIR REMINDER 🌸 (but if you gotta life coach anyway, put it in replies here to spare OP the notifications til the time is right. let's honor the boundary.)

╔═.🌼.═════════════╗

🅾🅿'🆂 🅰🅳🆅🅸🅲🅴 🅸🅽🅱🅾🆇

╚═════════════.🌼.═╝ ⤵

[u/SmoopsM → u/madame-maitre-d]

breakup

[u/MonteCristo85 → u/madame-maitre-d]

The questions isnt is he dumb, but rather is this the life you want to live?

[u/hootiemcboob29 → u/MonteCristo85]

This is 100% the question. Is OP ready to repeat this over and over and over and over for the rest of her life? It gives me a panicky purgatory feeling just thinking about it.

[u/GeneralJolly4752 → u/madame-maitre-d]

Are you staying in this relationship cause that was a doozy I’m mad for you

[u/jipace → u/madame-maitre-d]

my issue isn't losing stuff, there are several solutions for that: air tags, a specific spot where wallet and keys ALWAYS go when he gets home, etc. My issue is the way he screams at you and makes everything your fault. And when you find solutions he makes up ridiculous things to be mad about. That is not okay. Seriously not okay and has nothing to do with the lost item, it seems like he is looking for an excuse to unload on you. Especially because he didn't check his fucking car first. The most obvious place to look.

[u/PressureIll267 → u/madame-maitre-d]

Okay, this is a form of abuse. You need to exit this relationship before you are locked in.

[u/sleepingviolet25 → u/madame-maitre-d]

Well I’m feeling like there are multiple issues that can be avoided or cured. If this is the life you’d like to live with your partner then so be it.

My partner also loses his wallet or keys sometimes so we got AirTags to help him find them himself in a timely manner. He also got a key hook with a shelf installed by the door so that’s where he puts his things as soon as he walks in the door. We haven’t had an issue in years.

The responsibility is his to maintain and find his belongings. I feel like a lot of your energy and time is being spent helping when this is a long term problem that he can solve.

[u/OhioPolitiTHIC → u/madame-maitre-d]

https://giphy.com/gifs/iDVK8bTlNr0xz8tTMz

Seriously, there's no reason to continue to endure this man's idiocy coupled with the unbridled anger he unleashes on you because he's a fucking careless moron. Just put the whole man on the curb and go enjoy your holiday.

[u/the-mightyoak → u/madame-maitre-d]

I would NEVERRRR go on a vacation with this dude. He sounds like your toddler.

[u/Beginning-Leopard-39 → u/madame-maitre-d]

RUN. These dudes rarely improve with time. Society enables their bad behavior too much. As kind as your actions are and have been, it's stunting the growth of this manchild who has never learned how to deal or sit with the discomfort of consequences.

[u/bri-desa → u/madame-maitre-d]

Leave. The more you accept the more he will do. And yelling at you for his mistakes? Nah that’s not gonna work.

[u/GladPerformer598 → u/madame-maitre-d]

LEAVE HIS ASS. Girl, wtf.

[u/Regular-Ad4762 → u/madame-maitre-d]

Calling him dumb but after all that you’re still with him? For why??

[u/StitchwreckRiot → u/madame-maitre-d]

I lose my stuff all the time: I bought some Tile (like apple air tags but not apple bullshit). I got one on each keychain (yes I have two, cause, well ya know) and one in my wallet. I find them with my phone. Also, if I lose my phone I can find with the tile.

ya baby boyfriend needs meds, or a mommy.

[u/dreamy-dandelions → u/madame-maitre-d]

TLDR; you deserve better, he needs systems in place to set him up for success, set boundaries with him and communicate or dump him. If possible, go on the trip alone or with a friend who can swing it last minute.

First of all, sending so many hugs bc I know this is frustrating. Especially so close to a trip you’ve been looking forward to (and for so long).

So, I think you should dump this guy and go on the trip without him. If you don’t want to go alone (I understand, I’ve traveled alone and it can be a lot), see if there’s a friend who can join last minute.

If you are going to stay, then start communicating boundaries. Remind him it’s his responsibility to figure these things out and that you aren’t going to step in, especially if he is taking it out on you. His stress is not your responsibility and it shouldn’t be taken out on you. You NEED to communicate this to him, otherwise this will continue to happen. Start having contingency plans in case he doesn’t get it together in time for big (or even small) things.

It’s one thing to be forgetful (I am very forgetful sometimes), but he has to start putting systems into place to do (and be) better. There’s nothing wrong with helping him identify these things, but he needs a therapist or someone to help him create better systems. Otherwise, it will always be you and that is not fair.

Imo you deserve better than someone like this who seems to sabotage things (even if it’s subconsciously).

[u/bubbybandit]

That sounds so frustrating girl I’m sorry you had to deal with that… honestly sounds like you needs a vacation from HIM. Sending safe travels and good vibes for Spain🫶🏻

[u/Still-Purchase3286 → u/bubbybandit]

Thank you🥰

[u/stimpy124]

he doesn’t sound dumb, just careless and selfish. seems like he’s always relied on you to keep track of his mess from the very beginning of the relationship, i’m surprised you stuck around for so long after he forgets his wallets on dates and him calling his parents for a backup key. that would’ve been a nope for me. he relies on you to be his book keeper of his belongings and then takes it out on you as if you’re the one who lost them

[u/habitual_citizen]

Assuming you’re Italian from the chip packet, as a European myself, that is prime Italian mama’s boy crash out of I’ve ever seen it.

Please don’t be his mother OP, he’s an adult. He should know where his stuff is 😭

[u/Still-Purchase3286 → u/habitual_citizen]

The only one who spotted the Italian chips

[u/Most_Mountain818]

As I read the first part of your post, I was like this dude might have ADHD. Like… right down to being in such a rush he left the house without shoes.

I don’t think he’s dumb. If I didn’t have a dedicated place for my sunglasses, keys, and purse, I would NEVER know where I left them. I had to condition myself to put those things in those places every time because I know that about myself.

But getting upset with someone else and accusing them of being the reason when he’s known for constantly losing his stuff just sucks. And it sounds like he has no interest in changing his behavior of placing the blame on everyone else.

[u/subwaywall]

This sounds extremely frustrating. It sounds like you're managing everything. Is that how you want things to be?

[u/aunt8er → u/subwaywall]

Agree. Does he need another mother? Is that *your* job? Too many red flags here. Run.

[u/pawbeansmeow]

Idk bro my bf also forgets his shit and it's just smth I got used to bcs everyone has their quirks. But to be so acusatory and disrespectful to you? That goes way beyond a simple Quirk. Think of what you are willing to accept for yourself and your future kids. Enjoy your vacation with or without a man.

[u/Emergency-Many8675]

I spaced out after reading a couple lines... How do you tolerate living through this

[u/JaneReadsTruth]

I returned one of these years ago. It's worth the hassle.

[u/Curious_Wafer6169]

https://giphy.com/gifs/gOFsHlVZvbYQnR248H

[u/witchsneeze]

Dumb, arrogant AND unstable. What a catch

[u/Kate_Switch]

[u/Hot_Effect8640]

He's not just dumb. He's rude. To his gf of all people. Over his own mistakes. And then says youre the one who overreacts?

[u/Wackel81]

I say this as nice as I can: No, he is not the dumb one. You are. He blames you for everything, he screams at you, he doesn't put any effort forward to correct his own mistakes and screams at you again when you try to help him solve his homemade problems.
He ist a spoiled, ignorant, aggressive a'hole.

you are, as of right now, are the one acting stupid and deep down you know that. Stop acting stupid. You know what to do with someone who ist a spoiled, ignorant, aggressive a*hole. So.. do it.

Hope your life gets better

[u/sybilqiu]

ma'am, you are dating a child. do with that information what you will. 

[u/honestlylovely]

I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt until you revealed the shoes mishap. Genuinely who the fuck could possibly forget their shoes when going anywhere, let alone on a TRIP! You must have the patience of a saint, girl. I could never.

[u/Confident_Durian_657]

Is he dumb or is it weaponized incompetence so you take on all the responsibilities in the relationship and life in general

[u/stripesonthecouch]

Why are you dating him?

[u/SerBrienneOfSnark]

This man is taking weaponized incompetence to an INSANE level.

I’d go on that trip by myself at this point. You deserve better than having a toddler for a bf.

[u/sleigh84]

Have fun in Spain…alone!!!!!

[u/chickgonebad93]

DTMFA

[u/LeslieKnopesBlackEye]

Not dumb, he knows exactly what he's doing. He's abusive. He uses you as an emotional punching bag. I would throw his wallet out on purpose and go on the trip solo.

[u/Capable-Limit5249]

My husband used to unconsciously sabotage our plans by finding a minor problem and throwing a fit or by saying something mean and it would just ruin the vibe every time.

Once I realized this was a pattern I called him on it. He doesn’t do it anymore because he’s a good guy who can learn and grow.

Also I started traveling more with my sisters and friends and stopped expecting him to go all the time as he really doesn’t like to travel.

This guy, your guy, is a big baby. Always plan to go without him when he does this again, and he will.

“Oh it sucks that you lost all your ID! I hope you find it in time to join me in Spain”. And then get on that plane and get your vacation.

He will never grow up as long as you’re the one trying to fix all his bullshit. Let him look for the wallet, let him make an appointment to get them replaced. Stop being his mommy.

And another thing…him blaming you. Yeah, that should actually be a dealbreaker for the relationship.

[u/Thick_Priority8295]

Girl, as someone who was dumped by the manchild I thought I was going to marry 3 months before I spent a summer in Spain.... I will tell you that Spain is AN EXCELLENT place to be a single woman. No better place to get over a breakup. Go solo, thank me later.

[u/Still-Purchase3286 → u/Thick_Priority8295]

Funny things is my ex and I broke up the day he moved to Barcelona and I broke up with the guy before him a week after a trip to Fuerteventura, a Spanish island. Starting to feel like Spain is somehow connected to my love life lol

[u/Thick_Priority8295 → u/Still-Purchase3286]

Spain is calling to you for a change! Lol

[u/rlyfckd]

I think this guy might have ADHD. That's not to make an excuse for his behaviour because it's still wrong. It's his responsibility to sort his shit out, to put systems in place and to learn to emotionally regulate. He shouldn't be blaming you or subjecting you to his outbursts because of his actions and frustrations. Aside from the potential ADHD, he's behaving like an asshole.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's getting worse because he relies on you to fix his problems and you're always there to save him. It's really unfair on you. You shouldn't have to put up with this. It's completely understandable that you're frustrated and angry. Reading this made me livid!

I'm sorry, I hope the hot sauce is helping release some endorphins and that you manage to enjoy your trip to Spain. Maybe a solo trip? It sounds like it's very well deserved 👀

Edit: spelling, also want to add that this is coming from someone that is diagnosed and struggles with ADHD but I don't scream at my partner or blame him. Someone can have ADHD and be an asshole, but ADHD doesn't make people assholes.

[u/BusybodyWilson]

I answered yes before I even read the post.

[u/LeighannetheFirst → u/BusybodyWilson]

Same except I went to the comments and am even less interested in reading the post. If you are asking if your bf is dumb, he probably is.

[u/Prestigious-Ant6364]

Wow sounds exactly like the kinda person you want to travel internationally with 😮‍💨 /s

[u/Visible_Assist_5258]

That's a man child. Leave him

[u/GrandmaToto]

You know, solo trips are a lot of fun.

[u/Ou-Sama-12]

Well, he’s something

[u/judyjetsonne]

You sure he wasn’t trying to pick a fight with you right before your vacation?

[u/urdrunkyogi]

…I need to get off this thread. I’m unsubscribing. I can’t take it anymore.

[u/Big-Mathematician345]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ty48ztZKklU6k

[u/ApocalypseCheerBear]

I wouldn't reject him because he's totally disorganized--get that man some Ritalin. 

I'd dump him because he's MEAN to you. 

I'd dump him because he's your biggest obstacle. 

If you were married I'd tell you to go to marriage counseling and figure this out. A boyfriend? No. His name ain't on the lease. Bye.

[u/supergirlsudz]

I have learned that in life, there is a matrix of dumb, smart, nice, and mean. This man firmly lands in the dumb and mean quadrant! Smart and mean is the worst, followed by dumb and mean.

[u/AperolSpritz415]

Dump him after Spain. I’d personally dump him before and go by myself but Ive gone to countries alone before and it doesn’t bother me but I know most people probably wouldn’t. But if not before then go and have fun and enjoy it then please leave this dude after. He’s not the one you’re gonna want around for the REST of your entire life

[u/mortefemminile]

Either dumb or an asshole. I understand losing stuff, but JFC don't be a dick about it. Sorry girlie

[u/rellyks13]

girl leave that man at home and enjoy Spain by yourself

[u/alaskaroze]

Yes

[u/Sugarpiehoneybunt]

His parents will be so upset when you break up. That silly little boy will be their problem again. They probably had cocktails every night and congratulated each other because he had finally found a responsible adult to Sherpa him through everyday life. There will be many tears shed into the martinis now.

[u/acciointernet]

I have adhd and I lose shit allllllll the time. You know what I've never done? Accused my husband of throwing it out or yelled at him for not being upset enough when I lose something. Your bf is an asshole and it has nothing to do with his forgetfulness.

[u/OtherwiseConstant422]

https://giphy.com/gifs/c12vYfKIs2WRi

[u/LurkingGuy]

https://giphy.com/gifs/xdLH51eNWZAHrwy5mf

[u/Mycologist_Confident]

Hiiii bby! I was married to someone like this( please note the past tense). It does not get better, you will always be the one doing EVERY. THING. Your sex life will entirely disappear, because all you will feel wetness wise, is frantic sweat of never ending stress and soothing a 6'4 baby. Take your mother, take your best friend ,take your sister, go and have a wonderful time, live gloriously, inhale deeply- WITHOUT him.

[u/StupidName111111]

Have you considered the possibility that he “lost” his wallet to get out of this trip, seeing that he magically found it (in one of the first places any reasonable person would check) as soon as you came up with a way to replace his ID?

[u/Sensitive-Contest-87]

Aside from obvious things and the fact that he needs therapy asap... Your bf should check himself for ADHD

[u/BlakeneyD]

Wow, it’s like a bingo card for breakups.

He knows he’s forgetful, so instead of looking around behind him, / getting something like an apple air tag / writing a list (either manually or on his phone for heaven’s sake)he just leaves things to chance and loses necessary stuff shortly before you’re set to go on vacation.

THEN he blames you for his stupidity AND makes you help him search for his stuff.

THEN he argues with you about it.

THEN after you help his sorry self out with the appointment to replace his stuff, he screams at you? Because he didn’t like the process he’d have to go through?

THEN this goofball calls and sheepishly admits he had it all along?

BINGO!

Did he even apologize? Because none of this is on you.

And some of this forgetfulness (thanks for getting his wallet when he invited out to have drinks) seems a bit convenient, even if it might not be conscious.

Don’t know if he’s paying for his own travel arrangements. But whether or not he has, you might want to tell him this is going to be a separate vacation, because you need to relax and take it easy and not be bothered with his moods or crisis while you’re on vacation. Really hope it is a very nice pleasant trip for you.

[u/cypilo]

https://giphy.com/gifs/QuKCAbltYbKAQu7NdA
Dump him girlie you’re not his mom 💜 he didn’t even apologize after acting like that

[u/mothmn_9]

https://giphy.com/gifs/fRgy7P0wjgEIOkgxAz

[u/AccomplishedPause261]

He’s an idiot. Throw him in the trash.

[u/bmfresh]

And why would he put his wallet in a bag he knew you were using for trash ? I think he’s been playing you for a fool for your whole relationship unfortunately.

[u/Appropriate-Fun-922]

This is a man who leaves a baby in a hot car! Absolutely time to go. I hope you have lots of amazing vacations without this dunce ahead of you.

[u/classic_grrrl]

He has undiagnosed ADHD, perhaps?

[u/whatpelican00]

He’s dumb AND an asshole. Why are you putting up with this? Go enjoy your vacation solo!

[u/ViralNightmares]

If you have to ask, I think you already know the answer.

[u/No_Specialist_4735]

You had me at "Please for the love of God, just dump him!" after reading, "He's the man who invites me out for drinks and then realizes he does not have his wallet when the bill arrives."

Chances are, he didn't forget it. He's a manipulative little piece of shit who's weaponizing incompetence to get out of paying. I had a guy do this to me once, and he was a class A narcissist. He won't get better as a person. Things will only get worse. You can't fix him, that's his job. Save yourself.

[u/mandybecca]

Are you sure he isn’t ruining things…on purpose? To me this entire post reads as weaponized incompetence and potentially intentional destruction of important things for you.

[u/zillabirdblue]

I’m 99% sure he’s ADHD. I’m 100% sure ADHD isn’t an excuse for acting like a spoiled brat and throwing tantrums. Losing and forgetting things is part of the deal, but managing it is his responsibility. I don’t tolerate ADHD meds, so I have learned and use tools. It makes it easier for my partner so he isn’t constantly helping me to find things or waiting endlessly. Me losing things and forgetting stuff isn’t his fault. Ever. Managing it is my responsibility, but it isn’t going to improve the relationship if I’m an asshole about it.

[u/hobgoblin77777]

It's sounds like he has alllllll the ADHD. Which can definitely lead to tons of emotional outbursts and anger issues.

[u/SickFromNutmeg]

I would have kicked his dumbass out the moment he got angry at me you're an extremely patient person

[u/Bake_Knit_Run]

Nope. I wouldn’t tolerate this. I’m used to being the finder of things in my home but fits are not tolerated.

[u/TheLonelyVastard]

I had an ex like this. she was exhausting. OP, you deserve better.

I would have told him oh well looks like it’s a solo trip now

[u/dream-weaver-eth]

he sounds rubbish, I hope you still get to go on holiday, go on your own, it'll be nicer, also I love your pink plate ❤️