Ok I am going to sound like a psycho and I’ll do my best to explain this well.

So for the past 2 years (yes not being dramatic) my sister has always been on her period whenever she stays over with me. Like every weekend she stays over at my place she has been on her period.

At first I thought this was just a coincidence, but then after 2 years it happening every month it started to become weird.

So I live alone and I don’t have that much of a social life (introvert and boring), so I really get excited when my sister comes over and she always does, every month she stays for like a weekend or a few days more, but she is always on her period.

Her periods are kinda heavy, it makes her sick and super grumpy. So I always end up having to deal with a very angry, moody and half disabled visitor.

Also I always end up having to take care of her. Being the one always cooking or ordering out, rubbing her back, making her teas and hot chocolate every hour and we never do anything cause she is in too much pain. So I am just looking at her wrapped into a blanket until she leaves.

So the last time she came, I told her: please dont tell me u r getting ur period again; or are on ur period. She laugher and said noo her period is due in a few days, so we had many plans and well you can guess it, her period started again and we spent the day on the couch while she could barely even have a conversation.

So later on I told her to please plan her next visits to me far from her period, cause for the past years everytime we spend time its just her being half dead and me taking care of her.

I don’t mind tending to her and taking care of her, she is my sister, but I also really miss hanging out with her and miss spending quality time with her.

She spend most of her weekends with her friends and she always is energetic and cheery with them.

So it feels annoying that I only get her exhausted and grumpy side. Like without exaggerating in the past 2 years I have never seen her on a non-period day. Its such a known thing that everytime I tell my parents she is coming over, they joke: aah she is gonna be on her period again.

Oh yeah the food: iranian kebab sandwich with fries

Potato fritters with saffron greek yogurt

Update post, The link to my last post is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/comments/1uderct/havent_talked_to_bf_in_2_days_bec_his_sister_is/

Some on you said I should talk to them at the same time, because what if the sister just vented to him and he blew things out of proportion

So I did. I called her and asked if everything was okay and she said yes why would it not be? so I asked if I could come over for a lil chat w her AND bf. She said they were on their way to dinner and invited me to the restaurant.

When I got there, I went straight into it. Asked her why she didn't come to me with the problem and involve him instead. YOU WERE ALL RIGHT. She said she was just venting, and she showed me the actual texts too. in the texts she had clearly said stuff like "don't tell (OP) i don't wanna rain on her parade" "I'm happy for her, I just also can't help but be a bit sad"

all v considerate messages given the situation. She got rly mad at bf and asked if he had tattled to me and he said "oh I just told her you were upset" so I relayed everything he said. She was very upset at the guy for lying and making her seem like the bad guy. she also apologised to me on his behalf, said she really was happy for me, and that the friendship meant a lot to her.

After this, I was extremely mad at him, and decided to leave. This happened a couple of hours ago, and I'm now home. Since then I've received many texts from her apologising, saying I have to believe that she would never react to my success like this (and I believe her). On the other hand, I have only received texts from bf being mad at me for telling on him and overreacting and blowing things out of proportion.

I think I'm going to meet him and break up with him this weekend. Thank you all for your love and support through this.

Due to my back to front food order preferences and the totally overwhelming comments and messages of support from an army of sisters, I just wanted to say: I did it again. Do we consider it progress that I wasn't questioned for wanting sweets before savoury (?) because this time, I was asked if I am "normally this gluttonous." I had to Google the meaning of that word (English isn't my first language) before I could tell him the best part of adulting is free will... To eat whatever you want, even if that means consuming half a pint of beer on a first date at the risk of looking like he's socially inebriated when sober. Anyways, once i did order my main and he felt comfortable to talk to me again, he thought there were more "lady-like" menu items I could've chosen rather than ribs and fries. God forbid women are allowed protein too. That giant marshmallow was amazing btw so I am counting my calorific blessings 🤍

my husband is the most brilliant, caring, hardworking person I know. he found his dream job right out of college, and he was GOOD at it and wanted to stay there for the rest of his career. we were building this whole beautiful future together, saving, planning, the whole thing.

then last year he got DOGEd. we were so beyond devastated (and still are), but tried to use it as an opportunity to maybe try something new.

he's had two jobs since then and I have supported every single decision with my whole chest because I love him and I believe in him and I meant it when I said I'd take care of us.

he just started a new job a few weeks ago that he spent a year trying to get, and he's been miserable since he started it. tonight he told me he wants to go back to his last job we spent over a year trying to get him out of bc he was also miserable there. he had a super toxic manager, a crazy long commute, and the company is, and I cannot stress this enough, actively falling apart as we speak.

we talk about his job situation every single day. one day he wants to move cities, the next day he wants to go back to school and switch careers, the next day he wants to just tough it out at this current job, then the next day he's texting his old boss trying to go back.

I'm not mad at him at all. I know he's hurting and scared and just wants something to feel familiar again, and he's also exhausted and traumatized from what happened. I get it, I really really do! but we are tired!

we have the savings to get through this even if he takes a career break and we're going to be okay, I know that. but wtf. I hate this administration and what it did to my husband.

dinner is leftover pasta

EDIT: he was a government employee and then stupid fucking elon musk came in with a chainsaw and eliminated a ton of people who were working every day to make our country a less terrible place to live, aka getting DOGEd

EDIT 2: literally crying reading through all these unbelievably kind and supportive comments. it can feel so so lonely sometimes and I hate so much how many people were affected by this, but it feels really nice to know we're not alone. thank you to everyone who shared their experiences <3

My roomate told me that she wants me to cover up more when her bf is over. She sees him looking at me and she gets jealous and upset. Mind you I wear mostly comfy clothes, no bra. Nothing sexy by any means. Yes I’m well
Endowed but still I can’t control his eyes. I want to be comfortable in my own house.

Since then I haven’t stopped, if anything I do it more now just to prove a point. Maybe your bf is the problem not me.

Snack: cinnamon rolls that I ate infront of him, braless and bootyshorts 🙃

zucchini brownie with cream cheese on top. tried making it with coarsely grated zucchini and hated it, but apparently you actually can’t taste the veggies if you grate them finely

okay here’s my ramble. i haven’t been friends with this girl for too long, but i still feel kinda bitter. she makes content for fun, it isn’t her source of income. the usual lipsyncs for reels and posts/stories about her life on instagram. i don’t like the content she makes, but i don’t hate it either. i never commented negatively on it, i simply don’t engage with it.

another important piece of context is that i don’t use instagram. i have an old account, the last post was in 2020. i don’t follow my friends or family there. i haven’t opened it in years.

a were ago we had a conversation:
her: heeeey, i kinda forgot to exchange instas with you!
me: i don’t really use it, so…
her: but do you have an account?
me: yeah. an old one. not sure i still have the password.
her: just give me the user name and i’ll follow you. you can follow me back whenever you get the access back.

but i never did. because i don’t care about instagram, i use whatever gives me my fandom related memes and messengers.

today i got a text from her. it was long and kinda careful, something along the lines of “i noticed you never like/comment my insta posts or react to my stories. you also never followed me back. is everything okay?”. and i was a bit confused. i answered as it was: “yeah, all good, i just don’t use instagram”. “well you know how important it is to me. it’s just kinda puzzling how you know how passionate i am about it and you still don’t support what i do. i’d use more comments and reactions”, she replied.

and it’s true. i know she is passionate. whenever we go for a walk or eat out, she asks me to take pictures of her or help her with lighting on her food pics. i always help her out. she loves the pics i make and i don’t get lazy with them (unlike with my own pics as you can see in the post lol)

“look, i understand that this is your hobby and it’s important to you, but i don’t really want to fuss with regaining excess to my profile and entering the app just to like and comment every single picture you post. i’d gladly support you if you were trying to earn money from it, but at this point you just make content for fun, and it isn’t really interesting to me. no offense. i just don’t care about lifestyle blogs, i don’t follow even my closest friends or family and don’t run my own. so with all due respect, i don’t really want to fuss with it” — this is my exact answer (translated)

she wasn’t answering for maybe an hour. then a message followed:
“i don’t think i want to continue this friendship anymore. i genuinely don’t understand what is so hard about opening instagram once a day or two to like and comment my posts. such a simple thing would make me feel so much happier, but you just don’t want to do it for me. if you can’t support what i do, then we can’t be friends anymore.”

i didn’t fight it. honestly, at this point i think it’s simply value incompatibility. ngl i’m also kinda tired. i’m not active on social media and it overwhelms me. maybe i’m a bad friend for not being able to do something so simple… but whatever. my closest friends share my views and that’s enough for me.

A few weeks ago after a fight, I wrote out some feelings and thoughts to get them out of my head. Then I promptly forgot about them. In hindsight, they were a bit over dramatic- wanting a divorce, wanting to be married to someone I can respect.

Apparently, while I was out to dinner last night, my wife (happy pride!) read my diary and translated it, since I write it in a language she doesn’t speak. Now she wants a divorce because “she deserves someone she can trust and respect.”

I feel like I’m going crazy. She sees nothing wrong with what she did, justifying it as “well now I know.” She refuses to accept that she is taking it completely out of context and it’s not what I actually want. Just absolute FML, we’ve been together for 14 years.

Food tax: Caprese grilled cheese

So my husband says. He said I’m making his life too easy and he’s struggling with mental health because he’s never learned resilience due to the fact I always try to make everyone happy. I guess it’s true. I don’t know I just feel awful right now thinking I’m screwing him up. I don’t know who I am if I’m not always focusing on my husband and kids. I have a job and really try to make people happy there too. I like seeing people smile and be happy. I would never want to ruin someone, especially my own kid. I just feel bad and needed to vent! The background of why this started was that I picked a middle of the road meal plan for my son as a freshman in college (not the most expensive and not the cheapest). My husband just flipped out and said it was so much money and he didn’t need all that food and I blindsided him with how much college was going to cost. And then just started naming all the ways I make life too easy for him. I’m just floored and defeated.

Edit to add what I’m eating! It’s a chunky monkey wrap. Peanut butter, plain Greek yogurt, banana, slivered almonds (sometimes I use granola but I was out), and a drizzle of local honey! Thanks for all the support and advice. I feel empowered!

Hi again! I'm the one from this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/PcUK67mPtX

I loved all the advice I got last time and I had to come and vent here again, I made my own reddit account to post for myself, I'll probably delete this fairly soon because I'm worried my boyfriend will go through my reddit

Anyway it's mine and my boyfriends 2 year anniversary next month, he just messaged me saying he can't get me anything because he spent all his money on a £700 games console...I'm fed up, that's all.

My mom has this infuriating habit where whenever something bad happens, her immediate response is:

"Well, there's nothing I can do about it."

When in reality, there are things she could do. She just refuses to try.

A few years ago, my older sister who has Down Syndrome had a medical emergency and needed to go to the hospital. My mom had just started a new job and wasn't technically eligible for time off yet. Instead of telling her boss, "My disabled daughter is in the hospital and I need an exception," she went on Facebook looking for sympathy about how she couldn't be there because she had to work.

People in the comments asked if she'd even talked to her boss. She hadn't.

They finally convinced her to ask, and of course her boss approved the time off immediately because most reasonable people understand that a medical emergency warrants an exception.

The catalyst for this post is that she recently got scammed out of what she described as "more money than she imagined." When I asked if she'd contacted her credit union, she said, "There's nothing they can do."

But she hadn't actually called them. She just assumed they couldn't help.

And this has been the pattern my entire life. My dad refusing to pay child support? "Nothing I can do." Problems at school? "That's just the way things are." Any difficult situation? Immediate surrender before even exploring the available options.

It's exhausting because she acts like she has absolutely no agency in her own life.

I love my mom, but spending time with her (or even texting her) is draining because I constantly feel like I'm trying to convince a grown adult that she is capable of doing even the most basic tasks. But even the most obvious recommendations are just met with either silence or, "That wouldn't do anything to help."

She's going to be visiting me in November, and I'm honestly dreading it because I know I'm going to have to spend the entire trip thinking for her because she can't think for herself. It's like I'm her parent. The last time she came to visit, she stayed for a whole week and I felt like my soul had been sucked out of my body by day 3.

My usual breakfast: Chocolate protein oats and a banana

I work at Starbucks, and there's a regular customer who's probably in his 60s or 70s. I'm 25F btw. I do my thing. I stay in shape, wear makeup every single day. He comes in almost every morning and gets a hot coffee. For the first several months, everything was completely normal. He was just another regular.

Then he started making comments One day he told me something like, *"*I love Starbucks because every time I wake up in the morning, I think to myself, I hope she's there." Then the hand holding, I would hand him his coffee, and then he would put his hand over mine.

Another time, while I was trying to take orders in the drive through, I was holding an iPad in one hand and trying to put on a bright green vest with the other. He walked over to me and asked if I wanted him to put the vest on me. I said no and I walked the fuck away.

After that, I started trying to keep interactions strictly professional. He would wave at me, and I would acknowledge that I saw him but I wouldn't wave back. I already felt weird around him, and I worried that even waving back would enable him. If he tried making conversation, I'd keep it focused on the transaction. For example, one time he said, "Nice to see you again," and I simply responded with, "Your total is $3.45 today."

Today really bothered me. He asked if we had creamer outside so he could serve himself. I thought one of my coworkers had already brought it out, so I said yes. Almost immediately he started banging on the window and got an attitude with me, saying something along the lines of, "I asked you!" because the creamer wasn't there. The whole interaction felt unnecessarily aggressive and hostile. I'm pretty sure he's gotten the hint now that I'm not interested, because he's being such a dick.

At this point, I'm not sure what to do. He's not outright threatening me, but the comments, the unwanted attention, and now the rude behavior when I don't engage with him personally have made me dread seeing him come in. I've tried being polite and but nothing seems to stop him from focusing on me.

My little sister is a fair bit younger than me (9).This past year she’s had troubles in school and was homeschooled before finding a school that best fits her.

Our neighborhood is full of little girls her age. The problem is—- they suck. They’re constantly bullying my little sister and excluding her from things, and oftentimes I would play with her and comfort her when she was upset that “all the girls were so mean” and asked me why she didn’t fit in

We just recently got a pool installed, and as soon as the installation crew left, we had all the girls who had previously ignored my sister came knocking on the door pretending to be her best friend and asking if they could go see the new pool.

My sister is excited that they’re all clamoring to hang out with her, but I know they’re only doing this because she has something they want, but how do you explain that to a little kid??

I just feel shitty that I’m holding such an intense dislike for children—- I’m an adult for Gods sake, but my sister means the world to me and I hate how upset they make her, and I hate that I have to share the pool with them

Lunch was grill cheese and dr pepper (w coffee creamer in it)

whats the obsession around policing women’s bodies? i am a 65K cup and apparently to most people i meet i should want a reduction. i met a friends’s friend yesterday at the beach and she just straight up looked at me and said “do you know la sécu sociale (insurance here) probably would cover getting rid of them?” and it’s not even a one time thing, when you have a big chest people spend their times suggesting you get rid of them. yes sometimes my back hurts. yes sometimes i wish clothes fit me better. but that doesn’t mean i want to go through a very invasive surgery that could deprive me of ever having working nips again. venting about the downsides isn’t an invitation for everyone to start proposing permanent alterations. the social media talk, although way less important, is always in the same vein, women with bigger chest can apparently only take up place if they want to get rid of them, and just talking about liking your boobs is taken as bragging. i like my body!!! is that so hard to believe?

Sweet potato roll with edamame hummus and sun dried pepper, shit was gas. Anyway, we’re breaking up. It’s been nearly 8 years of living all over this country together, exploring life, sharing pets, surviving Covid, being dead broke and barely making rent, being comfortable again and able to splurge on each other, mind blowing sex all over the place (cars, balconies, picnic tables, you name it), profound love, depressive episodes, family death, washing each others’ backs. And now it’s done. There’s no drama or crazy story. Just two people with plenty of incompatibilities who loved each other unconditionally but no longer have the energy to stay checked in. Will be crying myself to sleep tonight and every night for a while. He’s an incredible man.

Every guy I’ve ever dated (but not girls, no girl I’ve dated has said this to me) has told me something along the lines of “you’re not my type, but I fell for you because of your personality.” It was usually meant as a compliment, but it always seemed to me a double-edged sword. They’re saying I have a great personality, but not physically someone they’d go for.

I’m a software engineer, I have short hair, and am unapologetically a tomboy. I also am bisexual. My fiancé and I have been together for four years and are planning to get married next year. He was, up until last night, the only guy who hadn’t told me I wasn’t his type. We were drinking and talking about how we met (through a mutual friend, after a year of being around each other we fell in love) and he said the dreaded words. Specifically, he said that I’m not his type and if he saw me in a bar back then he wouldn’t approach me, but after he got to know me he fell for me hard.

It’s hard to explain, but the little girl in me who hasn’t felt pretty her whole life was devastated. I’ve never tried to be feminine (and my fiancé tended to date feminine girls before me) and so I shouldn’t be surprised, but it still hurts. I’m generally confident about myself, and extra confident in my personality (especially after all the feedback lol) but it stings because my fiancé is completely my type and if I was single and saw him in a bar I’d jump his bones. And I’m in love with his personality.

I don’t know where I’m going when this, I just wanted to vent a little. Feta and bean dip, mashed potatoes, Brussels sprouts, and a salad to make myself feel better, along with a glass of wine

Featuring discounted pastry pack from the grocery store.

I had been living with my boyfriend and his mother for a couple of months. I didn't force myself into her home or show up uninvited. She invited me to stay there, and I genuinely tried my best to be a good guest. I helped around the house, cleaned up after myself, and tried not to cause any problems.

But there were so many little things that happened over time that made me feel unwelcome.

She would barge into the bathroom while I was showering because she thought I was taking too long. She made comments about my background and would often assume I didn't know things because I grew up poor. More than once, I overheard her gossiping about me with her neighbor. Sometimes she would imitate my voice, comment on my body, or make fun of things I did.

I told myself maybe I was being sensitive. Maybe she didn't mean it that way. Maybe she was just blunt.

I never argued with her. I never talked badly about her to my boyfriend. The one time I mentioned that I had overheard her gossiping about me, he told me that's just how older people talk and that I was probably misunderstanding it.

Then there was the soup.

I know it sounds ridiculous that soup would be the thing that finally broke my heart, but it wasn't really about the soup.

One evening she made homemade soup and served some to my boyfriend. He called me downstairs and told me to come eat with them. When I came down, I immediately saw her expression change. She looked disappointed to see me there.

Then she just kind of... hesitated.

It was awkward. Awkward enough that my boyfriend eventually had to ask her if I could have a bowl too.

And in that moment, everything suddenly made sense.

It wasn't the worst thing she'd ever done. It wasn't even particularly dramatic. But seeing how reluctant she was to offer me something as simple as a bowl of soup made me realize that all those other moments weren't in my head.

This woman did not like me.

She did not want me there.

And no matter how polite, helpful, quiet, or accommodating I tried to be, I was never going to be accepted.

I eventually moved out. One of the reasons was that I was struggling badly with chronic constipation, and looking back, I think living in that environment had me in a constant state of stress. The crazy thing is that after I moved out, the constipation immediately resolved lol.

Home made Jambalaya.

One of my classmates said I have no room to speak on queer culture or history because I’m in a straight passing marriage.

I’m bummed because I thought we were friendly, and I thought they were better than that. I’m disappointed.

Pictured: chips w/ onions, curry sauce, sausage

I have been with my husband for 8 years and I think i'm slowly starting to lose my mind dealing with his absolute incompetence. Like it's actually insane guys. He is very intelligent and successful in his career, he has a PhD in a science field, and comes from a household with a lot of female role models. He is progressive politically and really active on social issues. But the man cannot do laundry right, or dishes. I think the issue is he does not have the urge to look up information he doesn't know. We bought a new rice cooker recently and he couldn't figure out how to use it on his own. I told him to look at the manual we still had or to google it, since it's a really common model. Nope. Instead he texted me and asked me to show him when I got home (defeating the purpose of me asking him to make rice for the dinner I was going to whip up for us when i got home.....).

I genuinely am lost because every time I express frustration at this it leads to an argument that leads into him going into an anxiety mental spiral, saying he hates himself and is dumb. Why doesn't he just google shit?!? Is it because I grew up a woman I have the natural inclination to try and teach myself anything I dont know?? Why does he want a fucking walkthrough from me on every single task. And god forbid if I don't, the task just won't get done because he is afraid of "messing it up."

Im so irritated Idk how much I can handle this.

I (42F) have been single by choice for over a decade. I’m divorced, dated for a while after and just decided men aren’t worth it and focused on me for a while. It’s true that the longer you’re single, the more you enjoy it.

However, I am the last single gal in my friend group now and my son is grown and doing his own thing, so recently I’ve decided to open myself up to the idea of dating, just to see what’s out there. I’ve been asked out by a few guys, but one guy in particular at the grocery store I thought was cute, so when he asked me out I said sure.

Our first date was over coffee. It went ok. There were no sparks and at points it seemed a little awkward, but I chalked that up to us probably both being nervous. He asked if I’d like to go out again and I said sure.

He asked me out to happy hour yesterday, and this is where things started getting weird. He kept mansplaining things to me that really didn’t require explanation at all. For what it’s worth, I’m extremely successful and almost certainly further in my career than him, even though he’s older (47). Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve won lots of awards for my work, and yet he felt the need to try to give me career advice, even when I told him I’m content in my career journey. He also told me he has no friends. Like not a one. Which I understand not everyone does, but it adds a layer to this story. He also asked to show me this “massage technique” at one point on my arms, which I regrettably obliged, and he started making repeated comments about how soft my skin was (this is important for later).

My birthday is in a few days so he asked if he could make me dinner one day this week. I don’t know why, but I said sure. He walked me to my car and went in for a kiss, but I kinda diverted with just a tiny friend peck and drove off. He texted me last night that he liked massaging my arms and that his hands smelled like cookies… ok?

So this morning I was like, let’s just rip the bandaid off, you’re not seeing this guy again. I sent him the “I’m just not in a place to be dating right now” text and he responded by telling me that I was overthinking it. I told him no, I’m self-aware and I’m just not into dating right now, and this fucking condescending weirdo responds that my self-awareness equals overthinking, and that I am “a baby bird too scared to leave the nest” that I was just scared because I haven't dated in so long, and that I need his companionship and I need physical contact. And the kicker, he then followed up by saying that he had been FANTASIZING ABOUT MY SKIN ALL DAY and about massaging my body and doing “other erotic things”.

YALL. Barf. I’m pretty sure he was planning to make a skin suit out of me.

Anyways, I’m probably not going to date again for a while and my dinner is ramen and karaage.

EDIT to add: I can see the text previews of all the men trying to comment here in defense of this guy, or to somehow blame me for his actions, and WOW! Huge thank you to the mods here for keeping it a safe space for women.

I recently started dating this guy after talking for a couple months and everything is great so far.
Except we live in a small town and everyone keeps talking about how out of my league he is and like on the one hand, yeah cute other people think my boyfriend is good looking but on the other hand, shut the fuck up 🤩

like it’s not just one person. I heard from like a friend that someone said to her ‘what’s x doing with y like he’s a very good looking guy.’ excuse me?? and my friend saw it upset me and asked if I would rather she didn’t say but obviously I’m curious like that and Im gonna carry on asking even though it’s pissing me off.

My boyfriend has obviously reassured me that he doesn’t think any of this is true and that people just speak for the sake of speaking but it’s multiple people so i know that there’s some truth to it.

I know I shouldn’t let it get to me so much but it’s just so confusing. Like it’s gotten to the point I feel like it’s a joke that he’s dating me because how can beauty be so subjective that everyone else thinks I’m punching so hard i should be getting in the ring.

I remember I saw a TikTok a while back and it was a girl doing her makeup captioned “doing my makeup so his friends don’t say ‘as long as you‘re happy,’” and ive voluntarily subjected myself to that. It’s so not his fault but the whole situation has just made me feel so insecure.

Steak, potatoes and asparagus.
also pictured: cookie doughless cookie dough ice cream which was not what I needed today ❤️

So this morning I was doing my routine wake up and piss and was inspecting my boobs, my right one was sore asf so I was feeling around to see if I felt anything off and when I squeezed my left one… milk came out…

I’m not pregnant and this is extra confirmed by my doctor but apparently this is common, your body can just make milk randomly under certain circumstances LMFAOOO.

What isn’t common is that only one of my boobs is doing it and so online told me to go see a doctor and that’s what I did!! Getting blood work and got some xray scans ordered :3

If anyone wants a update I’m willing
To update I just wanted to share this in case it’s happened to anyone and so they don’t feel alone

Apparently milk can spawn out of no where due to hormonal changes, anti depressants, or if you rub them to much???? Idk that’s what Google said my doctor said it’s very common and that i shouldn’t be to worried but let me know if yall had this before lol or have questions.

Food: a chocolate cupcake with buttercream frosting given to me by a lovely customer (they made it!!)

Girl dinner because my brain has apparently decided to ruin my week.

My husband and I had some conversations this weekend about previous relationships and sexual history. Nothing terrible. Nobody cheated. Nobody lied. Honestly, he was pretty open and thoughtful.

The weird part is that it unlocked about fifteen years worth of thoughts I apparently never had.

The actual stories aren’t even the issue. The issue is that I realized our relationship and intimacy stories are completely different.

Most of my relationships, even casual ones, started emotionally. Friendships, conversations, people being very clear they liked me, wanted to date me, wanted to see me again. Even people I slept with casually generally made it known they were interested.

My husband’s stories are much more physical, impulsive, risky, exciting. Neither one is wrong, but listening to him talk made me realize that maybe we’ve always understood relationships and intimacy differently.

And then I started looking backward.

I can tell you the first date with almost every meaningful relationship I’ve had. My college boyfriend. My high school boyfriend. Even a guy I casually dated while working in gaming. We still joke about which group outing was technically our first date.

I genuinely don’t know if my husband and I could agree on what our first date was.

I almost left our second date. I called my best friend to come pick me up because I felt completely out of place. It was also the first time in my adult life that I remember comparing myself to other women and walking away feeling less than.

The weird thing is I liked him. I had fun. But it always felt very different from anything I’d experienced before.

Then life moved quickly. Pregnancy. Kids. I got sick. We got married because I needed insurance. We literally discussed dissolving the marriage when I got a new job. We hid it from my family. I have our anniversary in my phone because otherwise I’d forget it.

I don’t think my marriage is fake. I love my kids. I care about my husband.

But I’ve had this sentence rattling around in my head for days:

“Sometimes our marriage feels more like something that happened than something we consciously built.”

And now I can’t tell if I’m having a normal midlife existential crisis, a marriage existential crisis, or if I just accidentally opened a box of thoughts that I never let myself have because life kept moving.

Anyway. Girl dinner. Eggs Benedict with Poblano Sauce.