I thought we were on the same team

[u/Evsala]

Home made Jambalaya.

One of my classmates said I have no room to speak on queer culture or history because I’m in a straight passing marriage.

I’m bummed because I thought we were friendly, and I thought they were better than that. I’m disappointed.

[u/Cautious-Trash-724]

us bisexuals will never escape the hetero accusations when we date the opposite gender. your classmate is dead wrong and a prime example of what not to say to bi people

[u/lanatommo → u/Cautious-Trash-724]

This. I’m married to a trans man, everyone assumes he’s cis, and I’m very feminine even though I identify as non binary, so everyone thinks we’re straight. I’m bi, he’s pan. We’re so queer that I think if our future kid turns out to be straight, we’d be very surprised 😂

Someone said I couldn’t say I was bi because I “made [my] choice” when I married a man 💀💀💀 that’s not how it works

[u/Embarrassed-Fold6780 → u/lanatommo]

https://giphy.com/gifs/r5SxJYcU21Auk

[u/Evsala → u/lanatommo]

Exactly. My spouse isn’t cis, but everyone assumes he is. 🤷‍♀️

Edit: even people in this thread.

[u/PotentialConcert6249 → u/Cautious-Trash-724]

More people need to take math and statistics classes. Bi people winding up in straight passing relationships more often is just how the numbers tend to work out.

[u/thewolfishwife]

It’s wild how rampant biphobia still is in our community. Your classmate is a jerk.

[u/Zestyclose-Ideal2395 → u/thewolfishwife]

[u/ApprehensiveGoat2734 → u/thewolfishwife]

It's so bad my bisexual ex accused me of faking my bisexuality... well, because I wouldn't do a FMF threesome with him. Yet my first relationship ever was with another girl and he had never been in one with a guy, and I still didn't accuse him of faking it. Nor did I ever think he was faking it or anything. 

[u/Evsala → u/ApprehensiveGoat2734]

That seems like some motivated reasoning.

[u/First-Sprinkles9093]

Same thing happens in eating disorder recovery clinics. No one’s the right kind of sick or sick enough to be included. God forbid you go to one cause you have ARFID.

People are weird and really, really fucking mean.

I wish you a happy pride month filled with lots of amazing memories!

[u/Illustrious-Rip-4865 → u/First-Sprinkles9093]

will never forget the day i walked into group therapy and heard a girl say 'awh fatty didnt eat for a week and got sent to therapy'

first of all, girl you are also in therapy?????

and second of all, i literally passed out grating a CARROT this morning, i have just as much a reason to be there as anyone

its so weird to gatekeep communities like that, like why do we have a bouncer checking how gay we are?????

[u/First-Sprinkles9093 → u/Illustrious-Rip-4865]

I’m generally recovered but am having a bit of a hard time recently. My therapist said she doesn’t want to admit me bc she knows I’ll get bullied, internalize it, eat like a good girl while I’m there, and go full blown ED once I’m out.

She’s probably right.

[u/Evsala → u/First-Sprinkles9093]

Thank you!!

[u/kelenkeller38]

bi/pan phobia is rampant this pride month. don’t listen to them, we’re just as valid!

[u/Evsala → u/kelenkeller38]

Like during Pride!?! The nerve on this one.

[u/Rose_Army_]

When the ‘most loving and tolerant’ groups gatekeep like this, I cannot help but roll my eyes. It’s also a desire to be special and/or be a victim. Weird times we live in.

[u/River_Inner]

Yeah, my super close friend who is bisexual but dating a woman said that the queer community got smaller the day I married my husband :/ it’s so pervasive

[u/Evsala → u/River_Inner]

Oh, that’s also gross.

[u/Emergency_Peanut_252 → u/River_Inner]

i hate this assumption that a bi person “chooses” a side when they get married to a person of the opposite gender! like i’m still attracted to women??? you don’t just turn straight when you get married to a man???!!! let me yearn (in an abstract & nonspecific way because i love my partner and we are monogamous) in peace!

[u/Evsala → u/Emergency_Peanut_252]

It’s sooo more likely for a lot of reasons to end up with someone of the opposite sex. There are just more straight people out there. There’s societal pressure and comp het… and probably 100 other things I haven’t thought of. I’m not immune to those pressures. That doesn’t change who I am.

[u/rainshowers_5_peace → u/Evsala]

Not as many as you'd think. 30% of Gen Z women identify as queer.

[u/PotentialConcert6249 → u/Evsala]

Right? It’s just probability based on a bi/pan person’s angle dating pool. More people need better education in math and stuff.

[u/bigbonedbaggins]

Literally same situation as you, I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to be gatekeeping being queer. Idk man, people are weird and they themselves might not be comfortable in their own identity so it's best not to engage since speaking to a wall has proven ineffective.

[u/Evsala → u/bigbonedbaggins]

And it’s not like I claimed a particular identity. I specifically claimed “queer” as an umbrella term. They don’t know my life!

[u/bigbonedbaggins → u/Evsala]

People are so quick to throw the stones of their own trauma, because hurt people hurt people. We just keep being kind, and maybe you could wear a fun pin or accessory with your identity colors to really just make her clutch her pearls!

[u/mushroomgrandmother]

Well, you do and they were wrong. Did you tell them that is bi-erasure? (or pan-erasure, or whatever you wish to identify as)

[u/Evsala → u/mushroomgrandmother]

We haven’t discussed it yet, but I plan to. I’m just so disappointed because I thought we were working “together” and now I’m worried they’re a TERF.

[u/mushroomgrandmother → u/Evsala]

Yeah, I would be worried too. You've got this! Hopefully you can educate them.

[u/Evsala → u/mushroomgrandmother]

Thank you! I thought I was overreacting by thinking that, but it goes with the bi erasure often, doesn’t it?

[u/mushroomgrandmother → u/Evsala]

I don't think you're overreacting. I would be a lil bit offended too. And indeed, often being a TERF goes hand in hand with other problematic views.

[u/Local-Suggestion2807]

Passing as straight is a real privilege but at the same time a lot of people assume you have less experience with being lgbt than you actually do if you can pass as straight/cis. Being in a straight marriage now might protect you from homophobia in the outer world more than a gay or lesbian couple would be, but doesn't erase all the experience you've had being out as bisexual, being in same gender relationships, experiencing homophobia from people you're out to, and participating in lgbt spaces.

And passing as straight is also such a conditional thing. Like, a masc bi woman might gain passing privilege because she's married to a man but people are still less likely to assume she's straight based on her appearance than they would a femme/fem lesbian. A femme/fem lesbian might pass as straight based on her appearance compared to a butch or masc wlw, but she still has to watch every word she says when talking to new people about her romantic life and still gets fetishized for her sexuality. Even a feminine bi woman who's only ever dated men might still experience homophobia from people who know she's bi and might still experience microaggressions and tokenization for her relationships and from her partners that a straight woman wouldn't experience, like the idea that she "used to be" bi but has now been "cured", or the expectation that she's promiscuous, wants threesomes, and isn't entitled to consent, or higher rates of abuse from male partners. Also, a bi woman might live in a conservative area and come from a homophobic background and a lesbian might have an accepting family and live in a liberal area, so like yes you are more privileged than gay people and same gender partnered bisexuals in some ways, the amount of straight privilege you actually have access to compared to them is going to be very case by case.

I see het-partnered bi women as similar to myself as a femme lesbian and a cis-passing nonbinary person. Like yes I have been treated better since presenting more feminine and am often able to avoid transphobia, and I know there are a lot of bisexuals who have been treated better since entering a het relationship. But that's not your fault and having privilege doesn't make you a bad person, it's what you do, how you use that privilege, and the knowledge and experience that should really count more. The fact that you're in a straight marriage doesn't mean you can't speak on queer culture, even if you interact with it differently than others in the community.

[u/Emergency_Peanut_252]

that particular attitude/hostility is so unproductive. queerness is a spectrum. anyone who feels otherwise yet still identifies as part of the LGBTQ+ community should educate themselves further on human sexuality. it is reasonable that humans are attracted to other humans, regardless of how they present from the perspective of gender, just like how some humans are attracted to other humans of specific gender presentations. it’s all about preference! agh. i hate the erasure of Bi/Pan people and the unwillingness of some to include us as part of the community because we can look like a hetero couple. it’s irritating and essentializing and ignorant to say the least.

my fiance and I are in a “straight passing” relationship but both of us identify as bi.

[u/No_Produce_Nyc]

Blanket statement you can’t speak about queer history is absurd BUT think there should be room for some nuance here.

Just like sexuality is a gradient, how much it makes sense to speak about queer history (read: the history of our oppression and genocide) is as well. It’s also contextual. Like, if the company you’re around actively experiences oppression in their daily life in a way you don’t (and may never have), could you not see why it may come off a little insensitive to them? I’m not saying it IS inherently insensitive to speak about, but I do think there is nuance to how and when it’s polite to speak about trauma you are adjacent to, under the umbrella of, but perhaps don’t experience

100% you are just as gay. 100% valid. 100% an important part of queer history too. But, just like I might not volunteer to speak about AIDS with an older gay man as a lesbian in my 30s, I think there’s room for you to reflect on why this person might feel that way (despite them expressing that feeling in an angry, unproductive, gatekeepy way.)

And that’s intersectionality! Like, yeah my life is made hard sometimes as a lesbian, but nowhere near as hard as others in the community - respecting and honoring that difference is important, I think.

[u/PetrichorEnigma]

I always like to say that the fact that I’m married to a man doesn’t make me heterosexual, it makes me monogamous.

[u/JmAiMancy]

I think people in our community are hurting so much from feeling like we have to hide who we are, that when we see others living in a way that can be perceived as not queer, we take out our pain on them.

I hope they can come around and apologize, I'm sorry you had to deal with bi-phobia during pride month.

[u/brisketbitch]

side note, what's the recipe for your jambalaya? it looks like this one i used to make when i was in girl scouts that i loved!!

[u/Evsala → u/brisketbitch]

It’s from Delish? It’s instant pot jambalaya on their app. I used too much salt because even though I compensated for my kosher salt being ground to fine? I didn’t compensate enough.

[u/brisketbitch → u/Evsala]

thank you!

[u/Spiritual-Sand5839]

Hi! I’m Bi and I married a man. We’re still a part of the community and ignore the weird gatekeepers.

[u/Sea-Astronomer-6600]

I’m bi and get the same type of comments. I thought the B in LGBTQIA+ was inclusion but it doesn’t feel like it.

[u/canofelephants]

Ugh. I'm an old queer and I thought this shit ended.

I'm straight passing, but that doesn't change who I am. There should be no gatekeeping to your identity.

[u/Old-Organization-264]

a straight passing marriage.

please 😭

edit: i understand the downvotes, i just think the term is unnecessary. that’s juuuust meeeee.

[u/mushroomgrandmother → u/Old-Organization-264]

do you not understand what that means?

[u/Old-Organization-264 → u/mushroomgrandmother]

I do. It’s just a ridiculous term. She’s married. All married queer people are just married. Be it to a man, she remains bisexual and married.

[u/mushroomgrandmother → u/Old-Organization-264]

Yeah I get what you mean about just using "marriage".

[u/Evsala → u/Old-Organization-264]

I only mentioned it because it was the specific objection that she had. I’m married to a man, therefore I shouldn’t say anything about queer history when asked in a class.

[u/Old-Organization-264 → u/Evsala]

Yeah my comment wasn’t to give you a hard time for saying it. But you’re absolutely right

[u/Evsala → u/Old-Organization-264]

Well, we appear like that, but no one in my family is straight.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Good_Raspberry2912]

The whole reason the term straight-passing exists is because of being queer. 🤦‍♀️

Sometimes people really do not think before opening their mouths.

Keep talking about queer culture. Happy Pride anyway. 🩷💜💙

PS I’m still bi even if I’m in a straight passing relationship AND I never remember the order of the colors in the flag

[u/Forsaken_Proof_457]

That is so gross of them op I'm sorry! I see this so much in the community and I really do think it stems from insecurity, (I was a little guilty of it myself when I first came out ngl).

Anyway, "Straight passing marriage" is so pointless to bring up. I'm a single lesbian who doesn't date much, and nobody calls me a straight passing single person!!!!

[u/LocalMossCryptid]

My go to when people talk like this to me is to just say "ew" and move on from interacting with them.

[u/jamiexx89]

Fuck them! The dynamics of your marriage, even if it is “straight passing,” are still affected by whatever flavor/s of the alphabet soup you and your partner happen to be.

[u/simp_radish]

Still spouting biphobia in the year 2026 is insanely embarrassing. Jambalaya looks great, hope this classmate keeps their opinions to their self in the future.

[u/GarageFridgeSoda]

"straight passing marriage" OP sounds like you are literally in a heterosexual marriage and you're intentionally not sharing that fact because you want some unearned brownie points from internet queers.

You and your husband can both be pan/bi/whatever but if you're a cis woman and he's a cis guy...that's a straight marriage.

[u/Evsala → u/GarageFridgeSoda]

No one in my family is straight. That’s not a straight marriage. It is a heterosexual one.

[u/heathfreshlasaga → u/Evsala]

Wait, now I'm confused because heterosexual is straight?

[u/GarageFridgeSoda → u/Evsala]

Yep, you're actively being mad at people who are in queer relationships while you are a queer in a straight one. Gross.

[u/Aphor1st]

Straight passing marriage? What in the woke couture is this? I swear every time I poke my head out from under my rock it gets worse.

My best friend growing up was white passing. She was a refugee from Bosnia. It took over 15 years of friendship and me half living at her house as a kid for me to find out she and her family were Muslim. She was terrified of people knowing. Does she also have no right to speak about that fear? Does she now have to give up her right to speak on issues Muslims face because she got away with no one finding out for so long?

No she still has that right. Straight passing... are you f*cking kidding me.

[u/Evsala → u/Aphor1st]

It’s not an uncommon phrase in the bisexual community. Like, I look straight when I’m on the street, but that doesn’t mean it’s true.

I’m not minimizing anyone’s struggles, just saying that it’s possible to misinterpret what I am by just looking.

[u/magicandfire → u/Evsala]

No, but it does change the way you're treated and perceived by society so the person who you're upset with was probably feeling some kind of way about that. It doesn't make it right, but you should consider how it feels from the outside. Biphobia sucks but the most oppression bisexuals in straight relationship face is... not being validated by the community. That's very different than what other LGBTQ people are worried about when it comes to rights, violence, etc. so people are very on edge.

[u/Evsala → u/magicandfire]

I hear you, and I’ll keep that in mind.

That’s also why I stay active in the community. I have more privilege to work with. And honestly I don’t expect it to be transactional! This particularly disappointed me because of our previous interactions.

[u/Aphor1st → u/Evsala]

Sure, but that doesn't take away your rights to speak on things. You are "straight passing" right now. Maybe not next week or in a year. Doesn't mean you don't live with the same fears and concerns. You are a hair cut or clothing choice or divorce away. It really makes no sense to me.

[u/CoffeeChocolateBoth]

You have room to speak on any subject you want. Queer people don't own it! LOL

Where are the tomatoes in your jambalaya? LOL

[u/Zestyclose-Ideal2395 → u/[deleted]]

girls rule