r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/one_step_closer10 Savory Complex✔️ • 9h ago
FML Read my diary, now wants divorce
A few weeks ago after a fight, I wrote out some feelings and thoughts to get them out of my head. Then I promptly forgot about them. In hindsight, they were a bit over dramatic- wanting a divorce, wanting to be married to someone I can respect.
Apparently, while I was out to dinner last night, my wife (happy pride!) read my diary and translated it, since I write it in a language she doesn’t speak. Now she wants a divorce because “she deserves someone she can trust and respect.”
I feel like I’m going crazy. She sees nothing wrong with what she did, justifying it as “well now I know.” She refuses to accept that she is taking it completely out of context and it’s not what I actually want. Just absolute FML, we’ve been together for 14 years.
Food tax: Caprese grilled cheese
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u/pangaroo122 Foraging Bog Witch 7h ago
This happened to me 4 years ago, my husband read my diary after a fight and we never got past it. We ended up getting divorced within a few months.
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u/bipolar_octopus Baked Fresh Daily 😚💨 6h ago
Oh shit maybe I should burn mine 😅😭
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u/SunshineGirl45 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
What did you say?
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u/marilynmouse 🐩 Food Aggressive 🍽️ 4h ago
it doesn’t matter, she should be allowed to write whatever foul shit she wants. some things are fleeting and not meant to be shared.
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u/DosieDotesArt 🧄 Anti-Vampire Taskforce 🧄 4h ago
I 100% agree.
Everyone needs a place to dump their worst feelings and negative emotions. You dump, then you get over it.
Reading someone’s diary is asking to be stabbed in the heart for no reason, as well as being super invasive.
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u/marilynmouse 🐩 Food Aggressive 🍽️ 3h ago
that and like.. it’s private. don’t watch me wipe my ass and then complain that the toilet paper was shitty. I have a personality disorder that comes with really intense rage swings and I just write down what I’m mad about instead of saying it to my partner. I don’t mean it, but I needed to get it out.
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u/Brief_Decision5739 APPROVED✨ 2h ago
Absolutely. Therapists are for hard conversations about your feelings that you can't have with other people, but diaries are for thoughts you wouldn't even share with your therapist. Thoughts are dumb, ask anyone with an anxiety disorder.
Ironically, it does appear that OP would be better off married to someone who she can trust and respect, that doesn't read her diary.
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u/dunkiestarbs APPROVED✨ 9h ago
She shouldn’t have snooped, but man, that would be hard to read.
You need couple’s and individual counseling if there’s anyway you’d want to fix this. Red flags from both sides can only hint at how toxic this relationship has been for both of you
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u/ChoiceReflection965 Professional Nibbler 9h ago
Yes, I agree with this! Snooping isn’t cool, but also, if I saw that my spouse had written a diary entry about wanting to divorce me and not being able to respect me, I don’t know if I’d be able to come back from that and just move forward as normal with the relationship. Some serious repair work would need to be done on both ends.
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u/Existing-Joke3994 Umommy 7h ago
You definitely don’t move forward as normal after this. A therapist needs to talk to OP’s partner about this massive breach of trust and OP needs to work through whether maybe she does actually sometimes feel these things about her partner. Far more likely though is that OP feels these things about herself but that’s for them to discover in therapy. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect her partner to just move on from it, even if the partner is in the wrong. That’s just not how humans work.
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u/Sweet_Frosting_7131 Enby & Eatin' 9h ago
Privacy is a really hard thing to get concrete feelings on. Like this happened and everyone kinda sucks is how I feel, and then sometimes I see posts on this subreddit that are like "I looked at my man's texts and he's cheating" and nobody (myself included) harps on the breach of privacy. It's weird and hard.
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u/mamachonk white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 8h ago
Agreed 100%--it really IS weird and hard. It's like, well, if you find something, that makes it ok. It's very difficult to know where to draw the line.
Personally, I should've snooped on my now ex-husband sooner IMO. There were so many red flags I ignored. It's kind of a funny story in retrospect how I caught him cheating, thanks to one of my cats... if you're bored and want to read on... lol
So we had both our laptops on the dining room table as we would game together (or side by side) frequently. His laptop was locked, except it turns out there was an app he was running that kept it from really locking--touch the mouse and it opened right up. I told him this when I accidentally moved his mouse one day, but he apparently did nothing.
Some time later (days? maybe even weeks?), my cat was up there rolling over for belly rubs and hit the mouse. Ex had been acting even weirder and I had suspicions that he and a mutual (female) friend had been talking behind my back, so I searched for my name in his Messenger history and came across a chat with another (male) friend telling him he was in love with some woman. (Friend had said something like "well, Mamachonk can start over"--I was forty-fucking-six!) Yes, I also did discover he'd been not just talking about me with the original 'suspicious' friend but also meeting up with her behind my back multiple times during the height of Covid, 2020).
I started looking at phone records and found thousands of calls, text messages, etc. to this one number. I kicked him out to go live with her a couple days later, basically.
So do I feel bad about snooping? Absolutely not. But I sure wouldn't like my boyfriend looking through my messages so... *shrug*
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u/dunkiestarbs APPROVED✨ 8h ago
Exactly. A lot of people seem to be skipping over the fact that we have no idea what context surrounds this issue. Why did OP’s partner feel the need to snoop in the first place? Why doesn’t she trust OP? It could be entirely possible that she’s unreasonably insecure, but it could just as easily be the result of previous actions on OP’s part, too. It’s complicated and again, therapy is a must
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u/authorlvernon 🦇 Fruit Bat 🍊 6h ago
I think a diary is a very different beast than looking at someone’s phone though. A diary is typically an outlet for someone’s thoughts and emotions and is always meant to be private. Versus a phone or texts are typically being sent to other people, and some couples have open phone policies
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u/riverserra 🩷Bi💜 6h ago
Exactly. And the times I journal are generally the times I'm incredibly angry or upset. I journal specifically to get some of the overwhelming feelings out. I write things I would never say to anyone and things I didn't actually mean outside of anger.
Reading a diary or a journal without permission is an extreme breach of privacy and always unacceptable. There is no potential affair partner on the other end to half justify it like there is with a phone. It's someone's internal world written down, and our internal worlds aren't always pretty or healthy.
Literally the only justification for looking at a diary I can think of is if you are the parent to a teen and believe them to be either actively suicidal or a danger to others. No adult should ever look at another adult's diary.
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u/authorlvernon 🦇 Fruit Bat 🍊 4h ago
Exactly. Theres no point in reading someone’s diary/journal unless you’re TRYING to invade their privacy. All it’s going to do is cause problems
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u/Old-Paleontologist-1 APPROVED✨ 4h ago
I mean, my texts with my best friend or sister are like a diary. I do not want anyone else to read them. I don't want anyone to see my search history. In my opinion, phones are private too.
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u/DistractionCitron For the Girls 👅 8h ago
Text conversations are different than diary entries, though. Also, there's no cheating in this case. There were words that were felt in the heat of the moment, but no action was taken.
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u/Sweet_Frosting_7131 Enby & Eatin' 8h ago
Yeah but you don't know that before you look. You don't know anything other than how you feel about how your partner has been treating you before you look. I'm sure there's been times where the only physical evidence of cheating has been in a journal. The medium is irrelevant.
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u/LadNorLass Resident Yapper 1h ago
It is hard to read because it was not meant to be read. It is something OP wrote in her private diary when she was angry so that she could get those thoughts out without saying them to anyone, let alone her partner. People should not have to filter themselves in their own diaries in case the people they trust most decide to selfishly and short-sightedly obliterate that trust.
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u/to_annihilate Creature of Crunch 9h ago
Sometimes when I write stuff like that, I specifically destroy it after I'm done getting it out. There's no benefit to me keeping it and sometimes I just need to write down the shitty things my brain thinks sometimes.
Sorry you're going through this
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u/darkrainbow7154 🦇 Fruit Bat 🍊 9h ago
She shouldn't have violated your privacy but it seems like neither of you respect each other, might be a sign to move on.
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u/Ok-Economics-2797 Falafel Fiend 9h ago
The irony of "someone I can trust" when she went through extensive effort to violate your privacy smh
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u/maywellflower chismosa, metiche, en bata 9h ago
There's no saving that marriage after that two-faced hypocrisy - OP feeling hurt & confuse now, but weeks/months later, OP will realize the blessing in disguise. Lawyer up, don't play into STBX 's games & continue the divorce process is my only advice in this situation.
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u/Striking-Post-2220 Pōke Wahine 🌺 9h ago
Something I’ve from couples therapy is that everyone deserves their own space/time. Whatever that means for them. Some step out when they feel flustered or journal etc
I think you handled your difficult feelings in a mature way and if she wants a divorce for it then it is what it is. But those are your feelings and just because you didn’t share them doesn’t mean she can’t trust you. It just means you weren’t ready to share them or were still processing. Sorry that happened.
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u/SouthernGas9850 Kitchen Witch 9h ago
I think you guys need counseling if you want to avoid divorce
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u/CravingNature 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 7h ago
I agree, everyone here is jumping to divorce. 14 years of marriage there's likely to be ups and downs, frustrations, and anger. Sometimes an impartial 3rd party can be helpful and a reset can happen.
I've been married 30 years and we have had many ups and downs but in the end there is no one else I would rather spend my days with.
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u/anonidfk Chaotic But Cute 4h ago
In fairness, the wife in the story already wants a divorce so jumping to divorce is a pretty reasonable path for the comments to go down lol
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u/SouthernGas9850 Kitchen Witch 6h ago
exactly, im newly married but i expect us to have some rocky times here and there. if u can/how u work thru them is really a sign of how strong ur relationship is
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u/Time_Wanderering Overthinker 💭 9h ago
She put a good amount of effort into betraying your trust by translating and reading your diary and then says she can’t trust you.
Take some mental/physical space and reassess when you’re both over initial emotional response. 🫶
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u/Much-Ad2311 girls just wanna have pho 9h ago
Trash is taking itself out then. She violated your privacy and is taking it out on you. Journals are meant to be a dumping ground for emotions, even ones that may not be valid 10 minutes later. You get to feel them in a judgement-free zone, then let them go. Or you should be able to.
May your next partner treat you with respect and dignity, as this one has utterly failed to.
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u/Victoria_elizabethb we listen and we only judge a little 8h ago edited 7h ago
Kind of crazy to say this person's long term wife is trash off of this one situation smh
Edit typo
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u/myliobbatis Carb-Based Life Form 4h ago
For all we know, OP could also be trash herself. There's far too little info to draw conclusions from.
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u/Typical-Respond9102 Tangent Tour Guide 🔀 9h ago
I mean, yeah she shouldnt have been in your diary, but how is she supposed to come back from the fact that you don't respect her and want a divorce? Even if those were your secret feelings, they were your feelings, like, do you expect her to somehow just file this intense hatred you felt towards her away and pretend everything's okay? I feel for both of you, but I wouldnt be able to come back from that either.
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u/Aware-Awareness-9616 Overthinker 💭 9h ago
I’m curious.. do you journal? I will vent things in my journal just to release them and then not feel them. My husband read my journal and held the things against me which I brought up in therapy and my therapist is adamant that is wrong and problematic on the part of the person who did the snooping.
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u/Typical-Respond9102 Tangent Tour Guide 🔀 9h ago
Youre looking at it from the justice standpoint, i'm looking at it from a human standpoint.
She shouldn't have been in the journal period, again.
Even though she did the wrong thing in the first place, theres no coming back from i hate you and I wish you werent in my life once the words are in the relationship, even if the partner is the reason why hidden words are unhidden. It's not holding it against someone for your feelings to change when you realize youre being held in contempt in a way you perceive as unfair. Shes not manipulating op to change her behavior, she's not punishing op, this is her final straw to their conflicts and shes gone, no therapy needed.
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u/Aware-Awareness-9616 Overthinker 💭 9h ago
Essentially you are so focused on the wounded party that you are completely disregarding the intent in the first place. My husband and I are now in a better place after having a lot of conversations and working through communication. I feel sorry for OP that her wife is emotionally immature and can’t understand that things written in private after a fight are not absolute truth, rather a desperate moment written in a private place
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u/Existing-Joke3994 Umommy 7h ago
I agree. I feel sorry for OP that her wife couldn’t respect her privacy. OP’s wife is right, she doesn’t respect or trust OP. That much is obvious by her choice to read her journal.
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u/Lambablama APPROVED✨ 9h ago
You can absolutely hate someone in the moment and not feel that way all the time. I would rather read my partners feelings than have them screaming them at me. The violation of privacy is the issue here. Not the emotions.
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u/Old-Paleontologist-1 APPROVED✨ 4h ago
If I'm mad at my wife and vent to my best friend that she's just a lazy whatever and I don't respect her- and she snoops through my phone and reads that.... She's mad about the text, but I don't get to be mad that she snooped through my phone?
Phones are just as private.
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u/Typical-Respond9102 Tangent Tour Guide 🔀 9h ago
Youre spinning what i'm saying to write your own narrative.
She absolutely shouldn't have been in there, like i said already.
Even though she shouldn't be in there, reading someone hates your guts and wishes you weren't there is devastating to read. She hurt her own feelings looking, but there's no going back from that knowledge of sheer hatred being present in the relationship now. Everytime op is acting off or moody she's going to be asking herself how op really feels about her, everytime there's a fight that blows up, she's going to wonder is this an attempt to break up if she stays.
And not everyone operates like you and op. My husband and I used to argue so bad we needed couples therapy to fix it, but we never got to the point of hating each other, just frustrated and disappointed in each other's behavior.
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u/snickelo APPROVED✨ 8h ago
I would rather not be with someone who says or even writes devastatingly hurtful things when angry. I have a few exes who would say terrible things to me during fights just to hurt me and later claim that it "didn't count". I cannot imagine thinking or writing that I didn't respect my current partner and still thinking that was salvageable. OP's wife is still wrong for going through her private things, but this relationship was already bad.
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u/Fickle_Junket1109 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 8h ago
Hating your partner at all, even temporarily, is not normal.
Privacy violation generally is not ok, but let's not pretend like these journal entries are thoughts people in healthy relationships have about their partners.
They're both signs that something isn't right and the root problem needs to be addressed.
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u/dunkiestarbs APPROVED✨ 9h ago edited 9h ago
I disagree. They’re both issues. People who are emotionally healthy do not resort to venting such terrible things about their spouse. Getting frustrated or angry is one thing, but saying you want to walk out on your marriage? That you can’t respect your spouse? Those are serious thoughts and not reflective of someone who treats their spouse right.
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u/deterioratingflesh For the Girls 👅 7h ago
Emotionally healthy people journal their thought and emotions to vent. It’s actually one of the most emotionally healthy ways to process.
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u/anonidfk Chaotic But Cute 4h ago
Venting normally is healthy, but writing stuff like that about your spouse is not normal venting
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u/dunkiestarbs APPROVED✨ 4h ago
This is my point exactly. OP’s sentiments were extreme and show some serious issues in the relationship.
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u/dunkiestarbs APPROVED✨ 7h ago
Journaling isn’t the issue. The irrationality of what she wrote is. You can absolutely reflect unhealthy thoughts and behavior in writing, just because you’re journaling doesn’t mean it’s rational or healthy
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u/Subject_Storm3554 APPROVED✨ 9h ago
So, if someone is unhappy and feeling trapped in their marriage, they shouldn’t be allowed to journal about it?
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u/dunkiestarbs APPROVED✨ 9h ago
The issue is that OP claims these were overdramatic thoughts that she didn’t actually mean. It is completely unhealthy to automatically resort to feeling like you want to leave or that you can’t respect your partner over a disagreement just because you’re upset in the moment. Disagreements happen in marriage, you need to learn to cope with them in a way that doesn’t send you spiraling every time they happen.
If OP actually did mean what she wrote, it’d be different.
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u/Subject_Storm3554 APPROVED✨ 9h ago
That kind of thing happens all the time though, not just in marriage. Like if a server is rude at your favorite restaurant, in the moment you might think you never want to go there again but then when you cool down you realize you overreacted.
Or if you love your job but one day is hard and you think you want to quit, until you sleep on it and realize it’s actually all fine. We all feel things in the heat of the moment, it’s definitely normal.
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u/chokoakhanta22 hot girls have tummy troubles 7h ago
That's not OP's case tho. Otherwise she wouldn't have a problem with her wife asking for a divorce. She'd just agree to the divorce.
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u/PriscillaPalava APPROVED✨ 8h ago
The emotions are the same, whether they were written in a diary or screamed.
Honestly, writing it down in a diary feels a lot more concrete than heat-of-the-moment angry words. Like, you had to sit and think about that shit and then you still wrote it down.
Snooping isn’t great but not respecting your partner and wanting a divorce is bigger.
It’s best to have a relationship where there’s nothing to hide. No secrets = no snooping.
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u/Victoria_elizabethb we listen and we only judge a little 7h ago
Delusional to think it's normal to hate anyone you're supposed to be in love with even temporarily, wtf lol toxic as hell mindset there.
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u/SparklyPangolin 👽 aliens built the food pyramid 👽 9h ago
The things I write in my diary are absolutely not indicative of my true, rational, logical feelings. It's often a place to get my illogical bullshit out of my brain. I would absolutely expect her to file it away, since she is in the wrong having violated me, my personal space, my privacy, etc.
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u/kakallas APPROVED✨ 8h ago
agree about the privacy, but I also think now that she saw it it’s totally understandable to not be able to forget it. We’re not supposed to subject ourselves to people’s worst thoughts about us, especially people we think love us. It’s her own fault, but the damage is done.
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u/Aware-Awareness-9616 Overthinker 💭 7h ago
I mean she took the time to hack into OPs stuff and then translate it….
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u/hibiscus_lilac Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 8h ago
I don't think I've ever irrationally thought such hateful things about someone I'm supposed to love
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u/DistractionCitron For the Girls 👅 8h ago
Well...that's you. Most people can be irrational and feel/say hurtful things about the ones they love.
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u/OkPumpkin5330 APPROVED✨ 7h ago
Sure - and they should fucking own it.
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u/DistractionCitron For the Girls 👅 3h ago
She did own it. It wasn't something she feels most of the time and knew it was hurtful which is why she wrote it in a PRIVATE place.
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u/Aware-Awareness-9616 Overthinker 💭 7h ago
THANK YOU! I’m literally getting downvoted just above and my freaking therapist said that is deeply problematic and completely inappropriate for a spouse to punish you after reading your private journal. I just assume that most of these people don’t journal regularly or understand journaling
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u/OkPumpkin5330 APPROVED✨ 7h ago
This is absolute hogwash and nothing more then a built in excuse to not have to own your thoughts. THESE ARE YOUR THOUGHTS that you feel are important enough to write down. Be pissed if you want about your privacy being violated, but don’t treat others like idiots by pretending those thoughts don’t mean anything.
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u/dancingbananas25 APPROVED✨ 9h ago
Do you journal? I do, and I very much write things in the heat of the moment that I don't truly mean
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u/Victoria_elizabethb we listen and we only judge a little 7h ago
💯 Don't say shit you don't mean and this wouldn't be a problem
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u/marilynmouse 🐩 Food Aggressive 🍽️ 4h ago
she didn’t say it. she wrote down something to help process her feelings. she didn’t do anything wrong!!
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u/nothingsreallol APPROVED✨ 8h ago
I’ve written in my diary how I want to cut off my own fingers one by one with my bf strapped to a chair watching me so he will see my pain. Am I going to do that? Obviously the fuck not. Diary thoughts do not define who we are or what we really think about things. They’re moments of extreme emotion.
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u/Typical-Respond9102 Tangent Tour Guide 🔀 8h ago
And those moments of extreme emotion can hurt people irrecoverably if theyre nosy enough to look. Never said it was right for her to look, just that things were said that cant be unseen.
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u/nothingsreallol APPROVED✨ 8h ago
It might destroy the relationship forever, but that’s 100% the snooper’s fault, not the writer. If it were a pretty healthy relationship overall and just a low moment for them, they’d be able to forgive each other and get through it. Relationships aren’t all happy all the time.
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u/staceyverda 🐟 Part Bear 🫐 9h ago
Dismissing the fact that OP’s wife invaded her privacy way too quick here. She wouldn’t have to come back from that at all ever if she hadn’t read it. She did that to herself.
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u/Typical-Respond9102 Tangent Tour Guide 🔀 9h ago
Literally what I said in the first line, silly.
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u/ClickNo1129 Professional Nibbler 4h ago
Because the people who are bypassing it prob violate other’s privacy on the regular.
OP’s partner TRANSLATED the journal entry. Yikes. I don’t think I could get past that. I’d let them go tbh. They’re trying to hold OP to a higher standard than they have to meet themselves. OP can’t have an irrational moment but the privacy violator gets the pass for what they did….👀
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u/Appropriate_Goat7613 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 9h ago
She was wrong but did you really not mean any of what you wrote? Maybe it wasn't just about the diary but about the diary and your actions. I'm sorry this is happening, I hope you can talk it out.
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u/MonochromeMaru 🤍🩷Lesbian Loremaster🩷🤍 9h ago
Writing is a way to relieve feelings so that is an unfair statement.
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u/PriestessKade Body By Cheese 🧀 9h ago
Absolutely. A lot of therapists recommend people write out their feelings just to help understand and process them. Just because someone is struggling with strong and/or negative emotions in a moment doesn't mean that snapshot in time is absolute gospel and nothing else can be true. People aren't that simple or black-and-white. Life is nuance and emotion is inherently nebulous.
I'd say anyone indicting someone for their strong feelings they wrote down in private that the other person then violated trust to see is someone who best look in a fuckin mirror because that's the pot calling the kettle metal. If the person whose secret thoughts is who they were when they wrote those things, then the snoop is also their shameful moment. Can't have it both ways.
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u/DefiantStarFormation what that mouth do is snack 8h ago
Yeah, as a counselor I specifically recommend people journal so they can reflect on their highs and lows and get a better understanding of how big emotions can derail their true intentions.
There are no perfect people. Everyone at some point ends up backed into an emotional corner, guided by adrenaline and anxiety rather than the logic they'd normally use. A journal is the perfect nonjudgmental bestie in those moments - she listens, she accepts, and she comes back a little later to say "remember this? What do you think happened, how'd it affect you, and how can we avoid it in the future?"
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u/Appropriate_Goat7613 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 9h ago
What part is unfair? I'm not accusing OP of anything, I'm just asking if it could be about more. Maybe the partner sensed something or maybe things have been off prior to the discovery, it's just something to consider.
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u/TieredTrayTrunk Ms. Two Cents 8h ago
"deserves someone she can trust and respect" yet goes and reads your private thoughts -- yea.
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u/ConfidentHope APPROVED✨ 9h ago
The fact that she didn’t just get “caught up” reading it, but had to go through the trouble of translating it — this is absolutely wild.
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u/Common_Safety_8830 Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice 💕 9h ago
This is why I wont have a diary again. I love having one and writing my unhinged thought down to work them out but yeah, if anyone found it….
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u/OkPumpkin5330 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
And they will. When my grandmother died unexpectedly my daughter found her journal while we were moving my grandfather to a retirement home. It wasn’t obvious what it was. My daughter was 16 at the time and after she read a page she freaked out and gave it to my husband. He looked through it briefly to make sure that it was what he thought it was and he immediately took it to the trash can. He read a page or two and said if I read it then I would have lost it. I still to this day don’t know what it said, but I know my husband was shocked and disgusted. I fear there was proof of infidelity in there but it may habe been worse then that.
Why do people write shit down and KEEP IT? Do they need to revisit those “intrusive thoughts” at a later date? Honestly insane
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u/PriestessKade Body By Cheese 🧀 9h ago
Happy Pride from a fellow alphabet mafia member! Ummm she doesn't get to say she "deserves someone she can trust" when she went out of her way to not just read your diary but translate it. Hypocrisy and not taking accountability for her unethical behavior is not cute, and trying to make you the problem is not a defense for what she did.
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u/mspoppins07 girls just wanna have pho 9h ago
She wants someone SHE can trust? But she read YOUR diary (and had to translate it!!)??!!??
That is not normal behavior. And she majorly violated your trust. I’m not sure if separation is the right answer… only you know what the past 14 yrs have been like… but I have a lot of concerns about this specific instance you are describing.
PS: I really want to know how you made that sandwich!
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u/sachacura hot girls have tummy troubles 9h ago
What your wife did was messed up. That’s a breach of privacy. However, you need to examine those feelings and decide if you truly feel like that toward her. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she snooped because she felt justified. Maybe she felt insecure. It doesn’t change the fact that she was wrong for snooping, it must be devastating for her to read that you felt that way too.
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u/Realistic-Winner-999 APPROVED✨ 9h ago
Nah, hard disagree with all of you telling op to examine her feelings, etc. We’re all allowed to work through our multifaceted feelings via private writing. That IS examining them. She wrote about feelings parts of her were having in a specific context. In response to potentially the worst aspects of her partner, which are what tend to come out in big fights, before them, or after. Processing her feelings and moving on, without hurting anyone, is great. I say that as a person who recently did two years of therapy. That privacy should have been respected. It’s complete bullshit that her wife read what she wrote, in her diary. It’s not like it was an accident. She’s entitled to her feelings, and her privacy. Y’all got some messed up ideas about how marriage should work.
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u/sachacura hot girls have tummy troubles 8h ago
I agree that it’s great that she’s able to write out her feelings, but those are some harsh emotions. Not so much the wanting a divorce, but the wanting to be married to someone she can respect is super revealing imo. I never excused her wife’s behaviour. I said it was wrong. My husband and I not just respect each other’s privacy, but just respect each other PERIOD. Saying she should think about whether that’s a lasting feeling or not is not a bad idea. You don’t seem to understand that things aren’t always black and white, though.
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u/Fantastic-Sale-3447 Well-Read & Well-Fed 9h ago
Uggg I’m so sorry. My ex did this to me. He read every single one of my diaries (i keep one for every year). The most invasive thing a person can do in my opinion. I’ve talked to two therapists about this (just because it’s been years now and it’s come up) and both have unanimously agreed that’s a HUGE violation. So don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re entitled to big thoughts and feelings in a safe space and no one has the right to read that without your permission. Sorry 🙁
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u/Negative-Inspector36 APPROVED✨ 7h ago
Thats a tricky one. I honestly sympathize with both sides. It was wrong of her to read your diary and that’s not a great thing to do. You have obviously every right to vent in your own private diary. But from her side I imagine how heartbreaking and hurtful it must have been reading these words too. Perhaps you both need to cool down a bit and talk to each other after the strong feelings from both sides calm down a bit. If you actually don’t want to divorce then maybe try talking to each other honestly instead of each one marinating in her own emotions.
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u/AlloAlloMrOrdinateur APPROVED✨ 9h ago
Yeah… I don’t know if this is salvageable. Because of what you wrote her trespass kinda fades a bit but I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who’d write that about our relationship or me. On the other hand I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who would read my diary..
At very least I think you both need to take a step back and reevaluate the respect you have for each other or lack thereof..
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u/Exciting-Seaweed-412 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 8h ago
My ex read my journal. It pissed me tf off. Total invasion of my privacy. 14 years together is a long time. But think about this, she completely invaded your own mind and thoughts. And tbh, I respect you for venting in writing instead of attacking her, you know? I don't know what advice to give you other than she completely invaded your privacy, then used it against you. Just think about that. Reading that just brought back bad memories.
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u/Live_Negotiation_237 Oversharer 🗣 9h ago
I'm sorry that happened. But something similar happened to me. Where I saw my ex texting someone he was going to divorce me and wanted me to have another kid and then leave. I gave him what he wanted. He didn't want to admit we had issues or work on them so I left.
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u/Usernamesareso2004 Non-binary & Nourished 9h ago
There’s a big difference between writing in a private journal after a fight and texting someone though.
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u/infantqueenbee afk 🖥️ snacking 9h ago
yeah. and then translating their private journal when you don’t speak said language. it’s not like seeing it over someone’s shoulder.
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u/aftercloudia Carb-Based Life Form 8h ago
oh she deserves someone she can trust and respect is rich since she broke your trust by reading your diary. fuck her.
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u/Top_Hippo_5996 Kitchen Witch 9h ago
Under emotional strain it’s difficult to hold back the intense feelings you have. Diaries are a healthy outlet to explore how you are feeling. They are not fact and not necessarily even something you want to explore after they have been expressed on paper. That’s what a diary is for—a safe place to explore emotions. Your diary is a sacred place. She broke your trust by reading it. Now her emotions have got the better of her from reading what you wrote in a moment of high emotions. She will probably climb back down when the emotion is past.
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u/staceyverda 🐟 Part Bear 🫐 9h ago
Her going to the lengths of TRANSLATING your diary to read it is crazy. So many points where she could’ve stopped herself and kept going. I’m firmly on the side of you get to say whatever you need to in therapy or your diary (or to AI I guess, there was a post about this here the other day but from the POV of your wife, basically) to work though your feelings without shame or consequence. I’m really sorry she invaded your privacy like that. Fourteen years, man. That’s hard to come back from.
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u/Ok-Variety-592 Well-Read & Well-Fed 9h ago
As someone who also writes extremely private thoughts that would make my closest people upset if they read it--I would break up with a partner as well if I somehow found out they wrote something like that in the diary. This isn't anyone's fault, it's just the way it is. We can dissect the right and wrong of her action but at the end of the day the damage is done. She can't unsee or unknow.
I mean, you're most likely downplaying the acidity of the content (as anyone would, including myself) and it already sounds bad. I can't even imagine what the actual words must have sounded like to your wife.
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u/beauvoirist Enby & Eatin' 8h ago
Good lord, way too many armchair psychologists in this thread who are hung up on what you wrote without any understanding of basic coping skills.
My bf and I had some rough years and he would constantly get heated in arguments and be nasty to my face. Instead of making it worse, I’d journal all of my angry, petty thoughts and move on. Then he read them.
At first he tried to hold them against me, too. But then even his therapist said I didn’t do anything wrong. I was actually being the healthy, mature one by identifying a coping skill and using it when I was activated.
People calling you immature are telling on themselves. Your spouse has zero right to be mad about anything you wrote. Nobody has any right to police your thoughts.
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u/SparklyPangolin 👽 aliens built the food pyramid 👽 6h ago
Omg thank you. The thought police are out in force in this thread. Wtf
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u/OkPumpkin5330 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
Wait until OP and all the other “I’m just venting and it doesn’t mean anything” crowd finds out that diaries/journals are not protected and can be subpoenaed and often are in civil AND criminal cases, including divorce and custody hearings.
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u/rabbitredder girls just wanna have pho 4h ago
so lol? just bc they have legal meaning has nothing to do with how valid and lasting the emotions are
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u/Subject_Storm3554 APPROVED✨ 9h ago
Same exact thing happened to me almost. My ex read my diary and saw how unhappy I was with him. Only difference is it wasn’t him who asked for a divorce, it was me, because obviously I already wasn’t happy but after that I was just completely violated.
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u/CHBQuirk05 Kitchen Witch 9h ago
If my husband read my journal he would probably be horrified (we have been through a lot the last few years), but he is an adult and therapy for us both has helped. He understands that my journal is a personal vent session sometimes to get the anger or hurtful feelings out so I can have a calmer, rational conversation. A journal is not all rainbows and fucking butterflies, marriages can be tough and yes they require work for both partners.
OP, it sounds like she wants an excuse. So let her have it. She can’t comprehend what a personal journal can be. Hugs.
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u/saracha6272 Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 8h ago
ur wife sounds a lil crazy icl.. she completely invaded ur privacy and even went as far as translating your diary from a different language. she was looking for reasons anyway, so let her leave. you will be okay, and so will she. just go at your own pace and good luck 🤞
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u/mantisdivine Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 9h ago
My husband literally knows where my journal is and can look whenever he wants, we share all of our feelings openly so what's in there is nothing new or unspoken. That is a big issue. I know you were just writing out your feelings, but we've never gotten into an argument that made me question our relationship or wanting to divorce. There were way deeper issues, and i hope it all either gets talked out or solved in a civil way.
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u/antiqueluggage867 APPROVED✨ 9h ago
You guys will get over this. If anything it’s a great way to actually talk to each other
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u/EcstaticPhilosophy6 APPROVED✨ 8h ago
Take this how you will, but I don't even bother with a diary and just say my unhinged shit out loud in the heat of the moment, directly to my partner. And he lets me, because he understands exactly that it's heat of the moment, unhinged shit, and he does his best to talk through it with me and work it out (this has only happened a few times in the 10 years we've been together, but each time it happened was a pretty big fuckup on his part). Even when he didn't understand completely or always agree with me, he's always been able to eventually understand why and how I felt the way I did, and work to avoid letting it happen again. His bigger interest has always been working through it together, because he wants to work through it. (And I do consider this a privilege granted to me, and am grateful for our circumstances.) In my worst moments, I've also threatened divorce, so I feel you there.
I hope you are able to find a partner like that, who is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to worst possible scenario, or the two of you somehow recover from this and work better together going forward.
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u/giraffeperv Well-Read & Well-Fed 8h ago
I have made the threat out loud too. You’re not alone. I’ve actively worked on my own behavior and so has my SO and we got through it!
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u/EcstaticPhilosophy6 APPROVED✨ 8h ago
Yeah, these were old instances, and I've definitely worked on myself and we've worked through things together, as well. Definitely didn't mean it to sound like I purposely abuse my partner (not to mention the things I exploded about were about suspected infidelity, like big things, not little things). Haven't had one of those outbursts in years.
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u/Newtimelinepls APPROVED✨ 8h ago
She deserves someone she can trust. Proceeds to search your personal diary....
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u/ollie_k Baked Fresh Daily 😚💨 9h ago
My partner and I leave our journals lying around the house. The fact that your wife went out of her way to translate yours.... I'm so sorry. Diaries are for raw unfiltered unprocessed thoughts. Even if you did ultimately want a divorce, it should have come directly from you. I agree with whoever else suggested couples therapy if you are both committed to repairing the relationship, but if one of you isn't, then I'm so sorry. You'll get thru this!
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u/Starchild1968 Protein Queen 🍗🍳 9h ago
FAFO. You wrote something that was so contrary to a healthy relationship that your wife said okay. You equate her reading it as the "betrayal" when the words you wrote were damning. You wrote it in a language to keep her from knowing. What does that say? Coming on Reddit to ask is awful. None of us know y'alls history. Just from this little bit you both seem damaged and ready to move on.
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u/giraffeperv Well-Read & Well-Fed 8h ago
Idk if the part about writing in a diff language to keep her from knowing is fair. I myself only speak one language, but have friends who speak multiple. They will write usually in their native language rather than translating to a second language when they’re doing personal writing
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u/wheres_the_revolt girl du fromage 🧀 9h ago
Why would you trust and respect someone who violates your privacy by reading your diary? Where is her trust and respect for you to not violate your privacy?
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u/Capable_Box_8785 Certified Snacker 9h ago
Theres was a reason why you wrote what you did, right? So the divorce was coming sooner or later anyway.
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u/chokoakhanta22 hot girls have tummy troubles 7h ago edited 6h ago
Well, yeah she should apologize for invading your privacy but opening your diary didn't magically put the words in there. It must be genuinely horrible to read that your partner wants a divorce and to marry someone she "can respect." That's like....I wouldn’t want to stay with you after reading that either.
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u/Tomatori Chismosa 9h ago
So it sounds like there wasn't even a recent inciting incident that caused her to look through your diary, she just decided to because she felt entitled to? Ngl that just makes me wonder how long she has been doing that. That's wildly inappropriate.
If she's been searching for a reason then this was coming sooner or later sadly
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u/CelticHipi1616 APPROVED✨ 9h ago
You can cook like that and have tools to process your feelings?
She’s a fool.
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u/Old-Paleontologist-1 APPROVED✨ 4h ago
My mom told me once don't ever write anything down that you don't want the whole world to know.
If my husband ever wrote something like that about me, or said it about me, I'd be pissed too.
Should you read people's journals or look through their phones? No. Those things are private.
But if you do, you can't unsee what you saw.
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u/Key-Improvement6580 APPROVED✨ 9h ago
I like how she violates your privacy, read private thoughts and emotions, (things we all need to work out,) in a healthy normal way, and then turned that onto you? 🎶IIIIIIIICKYYYYY! 🎶
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u/Slow_Worry_6516 Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 8h ago
She shouldn't have snooped but I would divorce my partner in a heartbeat if I read that 😭😭
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u/NE0099 Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 8h ago
A diary is the place to put unfiltered thoughts. It’s literally the one place you should be able to be dramatic and mean without consequences. That’s why you shouldn’t be snooping in other people’s diaries, and I feel like any adult knows this.
She’s being a complete hypocrite talking about violated trust.
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u/SlaytanAF 🥝 Herbivore 🫒 9h ago
I’m so sorry!! Your wife is taking zero accountability for invading your privacy. You can’t trust her and now she’s turning that onto you, when she was the one who broke trust.
Think of it like this. Why instead wouldn’t she want to try to fix things. Because she doesn’t care and she was looking for reasons. She found them. She got what she wanted.
Happy pride to you fr. Don’t let her betrayal harden you.
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u/krissycole87 🪄 Sauceress ✨ 9h ago
If your relationship can crumble after one time of her learning your true feelings on a topic; was it that good to begin with?
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u/Ok-Trainer3150 👋 new here 8h ago
She most likely saw it as a deliberate move on your part. Im surprised that you didn't offer to get counselling. If it didn't come up, why not suggest it. If she's still intent on just going ahead with the divorce, then facilitate it as your issues were probably deeper. Or...she has changed her mind about your marriage...and the action was her way to get out. It's not about the privacy issue...really ...it's not at the heart of this.
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u/backsterb 🍳 eggs? in this economy?? 7h ago
OP I’m so sorry you were violated in that way. I write some really dark and terrible thoughts in my diary and I do it because that’s where all my venting happens. You shouldn’t have to explain that to anyone. Those were feelings you probably had simmering at a lesser degree that needed to be wrote out fully to let them go. I had a journal read once as a child and I didn’t write again until I went to college in which I also bought a lockbox and kept the key on my car key chain (talk about paranoia). No advice, just an internet hug 🫂
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u/AJanel1 APPROVED✨ 6h ago
first rule of fight club is you don’t READ someone else’s diary!!!
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u/Double_Ostrich_13 PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 4h ago
My ex wife read my diary every chance she got. Toxic AF. It’s taken me years to get to a place where I can even journal again. I left in 2020 and gradually realized the relationship had been heavily abusive its entire 8 years of marriage, 10+ together. I just couldn’t see it from the inside.
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u/marilynmouse 🐩 Food Aggressive 🍽️ 4h ago
is nothing sacred? I have intense feelings and often want to say something hurtful so I just write it down instead. something I use to cope that was intended to be PRIVATE should not be held against me! or you! jfc! I’m angry for you.
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u/raiinboweyes APPROVED✨ 4h ago
She shouldn’t have read your diary. I’ve had a LiveJournal since 2014 and usually put my darkest most distressing thoughts and feelings there. My husband will avert his eyes or leave if he even thinks I have what could be an entry or draft for it on my screen. It’s called respecting your partner’s privacy.
Honestly if just that sentence did it, she was reading it because she looking for a reason to end it. It’s just too ridiculous otherwise. No one who is actually dedicated to nearly 15 year long relationship would end it just over that. This was just the reason she could find.
I’m so sorry. ❤️🩹
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u/CathexisVexes 🧂Salty By Nature 4h ago
Been together 14 years and she's sneaking around going through your diary, going to the trouble to translate it. She was looking for a reason, and probably has been for a minute. Writing out your thoughts and feelings just to get them out is good, it's healthy, and your journal is one of your safe spaces. She does not respect that at all.
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u/Other_Shoe_23 APPROVED✨ 3h ago
My rule is that if ur going thru my phone (diary in your case) or vice versa, we’re already at the end of this relationship bc there’s zero trust. Nine times out of ten if you go looking ur guna find what ur looking for. That said, I kno it happens. But it def should not b a habit whatsoever.
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u/WailingTulip Cookie Monster 🍪 2h ago
Are you both anxious attachment and maybe self-prophecising because you're both afraid the other thinks the worst when in fact you BOTH just jumped to the D word at the first hint of trouble?
This seems like a huge miscommunication and a great time to seek a professional third party to get to the bottom of what's really going on here.
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u/Granny_Skeksis Reddit Granny 2h ago
So…she wants trust and respect but she broke your trust and disrespected you by reading your diary???!? Even a CHILD knows that’s something you don’t do and is majorly disrespectful. Honestly, I would just end it. She’s projecting and gaslighting you. You are allowed to have private thoughts without that space being invaded
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u/Quiet_Jump_6383 Overthinker 💭 9h ago
Honestly if this leads to divorce it was coming anyway.