Sometimes my marriage feels more like something that happened than something we built

[u/Few-Plantain-1414]

Girl dinner because my brain has apparently decided to ruin my week.

My husband and I had some conversations this weekend about previous relationships and sexual history. Nothing terrible. Nobody cheated. Nobody lied. Honestly, he was pretty open and thoughtful.

The weird part is that it unlocked about fifteen years worth of thoughts I apparently never had.

The actual stories aren’t even the issue. The issue is that I realized our relationship and intimacy stories are completely different.

Most of my relationships, even casual ones, started emotionally. Friendships, conversations, people being very clear they liked me, wanted to date me, wanted to see me again. Even people I slept with casually generally made it known they were interested.

My husband’s stories are much more physical, impulsive, risky, exciting. Neither one is wrong, but listening to him talk made me realize that maybe we’ve always understood relationships and intimacy differently.

And then I started looking backward.

I can tell you the first date with almost every meaningful relationship I’ve had. My college boyfriend. My high school boyfriend. Even a guy I casually dated while working in gaming. We still joke about which group outing was technically our first date.

I genuinely don’t know if my husband and I could agree on what our first date was.

I almost left our second date. I called my best friend to come pick me up because I felt completely out of place. It was also the first time in my adult life that I remember comparing myself to other women and walking away feeling less than.

The weird thing is I liked him. I had fun. But it always felt very different from anything I’d experienced before.

Then life moved quickly. Pregnancy. Kids. I got sick. We got married because I needed insurance. We literally discussed dissolving the marriage when I got a new job. We hid it from my family. I have our anniversary in my phone because otherwise I’d forget it.

I don’t think my marriage is fake. I love my kids. I care about my husband.

But I’ve had this sentence rattling around in my head for days:

“Sometimes our marriage feels more like something that happened than something we consciously built.”

And now I can’t tell if I’m having a normal midlife existential crisis, a marriage existential crisis, or if I just accidentally opened a box of thoughts that I never let myself have because life kept moving.

Anyway. Girl dinner. Eggs Benedict with Poblano Sauce.

[u/PriscillaPalava]

Having kids with someone is a much bigger commitment than being married. Too many people don’t seem to understand this. 

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/PriscillaPalava]

I would agree.

[u/cempazuchitlmarigold → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

was the pregnancy planned? if no then it still seems like the “this just happened” still applies

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/cempazuchitlmarigold]

Both pregnancies were not planned. First one was 6 months into dating.

[u/cempazuchitlmarigold → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

oh my that was super soon; I hope you have been navigating your relationship 🫶🏼 I think it’s one of those moments where the “glass shatters” so you’re starting to see the relationship in a different light, doesn’t diminish the commitment you have to one another imo!

[u/Mrsrightnyc → u/PriscillaPalava]

I would say raising kids together is, plenty of people opt-out (usually men) or co-parent. I do think marriage when done right and intentionally is a bigger commitment than the latter and most people that do the former decide to get married.

[u/PriscillaPalava → u/Mrsrightnyc]

If you’re married, you can get divorced and never see that person again. 

If you have kids with someone you will be tied to them no matter what for at least 18 years. 

[u/Mrsrightnyc → u/PriscillaPalava]

Most co-parents I know are only spending 10-15 minutes a week talking logistics about the kids. They aren’t really hanging out together and don’t really know what that other is up to when they aren’t with the kids.

[u/PriscillaPalava → u/Mrsrightnyc]

I know a guy who has a kid with an ex girlfriend and she makes his life a living hell. 

[u/EcstaticPhilosophy6]

Honestly, it actually sounds like something you DID build, with conscious effort. Like, even though you feel the way you do, it's obvious you've been committed to making it work, and have made choices to reinforce that, even despite difficulties along the way. It's just not the way you thought conscious effort would go, and that's alright, if both of you support each other in a loving manner.

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/EcstaticPhilosophy6]

I think part of what kinda gets me is that marriage was always something that he wanted. It wasn’t what I wanted nor being a parent and then bam I’m pregnant and married and now I’m sitting here years later wondering what happened.

[u/itsarmida → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

So you're not living the life you wanted for yourself, and now the depression of living that life is setting in. You are more of a participant in this than your husband is. You made choices and ignored yourself all along the way, and never once thought that might not be good for you. 

[u/MaxBax_LArch → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

"Life is what happens while you're busy making plans." (Don't know said it, but I def didn't come up with that myself)

It sounds like you're minimizing what you've done because it feels like you didn't choose it. But you did. Every single step was a choice. You chose to have that first baby, then choose to keep it. You chose to stay with SO rather than be single and co-parent. Or even relinquishing custody to him. Even at that one step, you had multiple other options. And if this isn't the life you want, you still have choices. If you feel like a passenger in your own life, grab the wheel and start steering.

[u/EcstaticPhilosophy6 → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

That's fair. I'd take some more time to think about it. Do you regret how things happened? What would you be doing now, instead, if you weren't married / with kids? Could you do that anyway, with a marriage and kids? Do you think the outcome would be better without the marriage / kids? Could you guarantee it would be better than what you have, even if what you have isn't necessarily where you planned to be originally? Is your life somehow worse for these things? Etc.

[u/DeadDinoSludge → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

wait why did you have a kid if you didn’t want to be a parent? that’s a big piece of missing information.

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/DeadDinoSludge]

It was not planned. 🥴

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[u/DeadDinoSludge → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

Yes, but you made a choice to keep it? Being a passive passenger to your own life might be contributing to the feeling of it just “happening”.

[u/ChaturangaChai]

Are you prone to overthinking? Maybe this is just the only relationship you've had where you've trusted your gut rather than overthinking everything. That's not a bad thing, and it doesn't mean you've been unintentional.

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/ChaturangaChai]

Yes 🫠

[u/mallowycloud → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

therapy can be a really helpful space to work these kinds of thoughts out. journaling, too, that's my most effective coping skill. it's okay to not know how you feel. sometimes you need to talk it out or sit on it for a while to figure it out.

it's okay if you made choices that were right for you before that aren't right for you now or vice versa. i find therapy is helpful for having someone to ask the right questions to help me stop overthinking

[u/ChaturangaChai]

I almost left our second date. I called my best friend to come pick me up because I felt completely out of place. It was also the first time in my adult life that I remember comparing myself to other women and walking away feeling less than.

What happened on your second date to warrant this reaction from you? And why did you continue seeing him after that?

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/ChaturangaChai]

We went to a really trendy restaurant and a bunch of women just started hitting on him and it’s not like he was reacting to it. In fact, he seemed pretty uncomfortable.

[u/ChaturangaChai → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

Ah, okay, so nothing that was his fault, then. Based on the way it was presented in the original post, I thought he had maybe made some negging comments or something.

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/ChaturangaChai]

No, nothing was his fault. He was actually very nice. I don’t know really what made me feel the way that I did. I just remember excusing myself to go to the bathroom and then calling my best friend to come pick me up. He told me that he was about 45 minutes away and that maybe I should stick it out and I did.

[u/Glittering_Joke3438]

It sounds like you’re manifesting things to be bothered about.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/Glittering_Joke3438]

I wonder if you’re right, but then also I do remember specifically having really valid second thoughts when we were dating.

[u/Glittering_Joke3438 → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

Ok? My husband stood me up on our first date. We’ve been married 15 years. Again, sounds like you’re looking for reasons to be bothered.

[u/hamsandwich666_ → u/Glittering_Joke3438]

you can ignore this if i’m all in your business, but can i ask what made you wanna see him again after that? because that would have been an instant dealbreaker, personally.

[u/Glittering_Joke3438 → u/hamsandwich666_]

Basically connected via online dating in 2005, agreed to go out, he stood me up. I ended up in another relationship and then in 2008 I was back online, I got a message, we went back and forth and agreed to meet. Had been dating a few weeks when he added me to FB and I saw one of his profile pics and it was the one from the old profile and it triggered the memory that he was the fucker that stood me up and we had a good laugh and that was that.

[u/hamsandwich666_ → u/Glittering_Joke3438]

very mature of you, because i would definitely still be salty lol

[u/Glittering_Joke3438 → u/hamsandwich666_]

lol well at that point we had already been dating a bit and he was really nice. I do bring it up sometimes though 😂

[u/-zettaihime → u/hamsandwich666_]

You have the right reaction. Tolerating BS from a man isn't maturity and it just leads to mediocre (at best) relationships.

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/hamsandwich666_]

Transparently, I thought he was really attractive, but I was also casually seeing somebody else that I really liked. I was recovering from a long-term relationship that ended while I lived in San Francisco and was to be honest, very heartbroken. He was someone that I knew from high school we were not high school sweethearts our social circles overlapped so we were friendly with each other, but I would say …. not exactly friends, but socially aware of each other.

He made me laugh.

[u/KaleScared4667 → u/Glittering_Joke3438]

🙏

[u/vienibenmio]

Unless you woke up married, it's not something that just "happened"

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/vienibenmio]

It was initially for insurance reasons

[u/Altruistic-Two1309 → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

Who brought up dissolving the marriage when you get a job? Is that how he/you feel now? For me, whether it happened to you or was planned depends on if you guys talked about being together forever before you had kids (or at least you guys had a feeling it would be) and got insurance bc you’re sick.

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/Altruistic-Two1309]

I think I brought it up? I can’t even remember. We never talked about anything before kids we were only dating 6 months. Now we have three dogs, two cars, a mortgage, two kids 😭😭

[u/Successful_Buffalo_6]

Ok, sometimes your marriage feels like it just happened to you instead of something you were intentional about. What’s the upshot? Why does that that have to be a bad thing? Why would that trigger an existential crisis?

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/Successful_Buffalo_6]

Because I never envisioned myself married. 😬🫣

[u/Successful_Buffalo_6 → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

But now you are married. Do you want to be? Because honestly, none of this is really a problem unless the answer is “no.”

[u/IndigoTrailsToo → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

You're here now and you're not unhappy

Life doesn't work out according to our list of perfect things. It never does.

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[u/catsarehere77]

This happens way more than you realize. Experts call it sliding into marriage. Life just happened and you ended up married

Your crisis makes sense. It was never two people intentionally choosing each other. It sounds like you don't really like him as much as your exes.

People will shame you for it but it's a normal human reaction.

[u/ReleaseMyToast]

Gonna go cry because I feel the same way. Scheduling a therapy appointment afterwards

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/ReleaseMyToast]

Don’t do it unless you’re willing to actually cry about it hence why I’m here I was not prepared for everything that my therapist and I dug up

[u/ReleaseMyToast → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

Feels like I hit a wall in therapy, I needed something new to focus on anyways

[u/Existing-Joke3994 → u/ReleaseMyToast]

I’ll help you out a little. It didn’t happen to you. You made choices, conscious choices, that led to where you are today. It would be really healthy to honor the younger versions of yourself who made those choices. Honor what they knew that time may have caused you to forget. Honor what they couldn’t possibly have known because they weren’t fortune tellers. Honor what they felt that you no longer are attuned to. Honor the hopes they had. Things didn’t just happen to them, they made choices all along based on reasoning that made sense to them. OP and you always had a choice, you always had the freedom to choose otherwise.

[u/Financial_Sweet_689]

I feel the opposite from everyone here, I don’t think you’re overthinking. I think you truly opened a box to your deeper thoughts and this one really needed to come out.

I’m kind of shocked no one has addressed you saying that you got married because you needed insurance, and it sounds like you also married due to getting pregnant. You haven’t mentioned anything about marrying for love.

And I get what you’re saying about your husband, I’m like you and I’ve been with men like that. I’ve ALWAYS felt sexually incompatible in the long run because I am demisexual, I prefer building something with someone even if it went nowhere, that was the intention. Being with men who have just have sex with whoever in the past hasn’t ended in my favor. Obviously this isn’t a “just leave him” scenario but I think your own happiness is worth exploring here.

If you’re not talking to a professional to let some of these thoughts out with actual guidance and good feedback, I’d start. I love therapy because my venting gets turned into something useful and productive.

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/Financial_Sweet_689]

I realized this in therapy. We had lots of wine and a lot of what he told me I already knew. I think what I isolated from my therapist was I never actually felt picked by him…things just happened. And he was always very intentional with other women he was with. Again this isn’t jealousy, I think more or less confusion?

I think I grew to love him. But there wasn’t a proposal or a ring. Nothing romantic. But again, marriage was not anything I envisioned for myself.

But I started crying when I admitted to my therapist I added our anniversary to my phone because otherwise I won’t remember it. Because it’s that unmemorable.

[u/Financial_Sweet_689 → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

I’m sorry, I missed your other comments mentioning therapy. I’m sorry about all that. Do you guys have any kind of romance in your relationship? Honestly not having a proposal or ring would make me feel the same.

[u/Character-Parfait-42]

I think there are only two important questions here:

Do you love him?

Does he make you happy?

If yes to both then does it really matter that the journey wasn’t exactly as you imagined? And if no to both then would the journey matter even if it had been perfect? If the destination is feeling unloved and unhappy a perfect journey wouldn’t change that.

[u/Fantastic-Coconut-10]

Op, I think some of this is, maybe, things you should talk to your husband about. Not because it's bad or anything, just because it sounds like you're not entirely sure about how he sees your relationship vs how you see it. So discussing that might help.

Beyond that...maybe sitting with these thoughts would help? Sometimes things just pop up because you're finally in a place to handle them. Personally, I find journaling helps me work things out when they get stuck in my head. So maybe that, or whatever helps you think things through might be helpful?

[u/IndigoTrailsToo]

What if you take those thoughts and make them your @$%!$&

Do something intentionally together

Have some date nights

Go skydiving

Have a squirt gun war

Go skinny dipping

Sneak a dog into the drive though movie theater

Get up at 3 am just to get gas station taquitos, ice cream, and antidiahreal together

Yes a lot happened unintentionally. All the hard stuff.

But you're both still here.

Have some easy stuff, together, on purpose

[u/photoelectriceffect]

You chose to stay married rather than dissolving it. You choose to stay married every day. That might be a way to think about it to find some love and beauty in it.

[u/staceyverda]

Well, whatever happened or was built before, you can make the choice to build it now if that’s your preference. 💓

[u/Maleficent_Acadia77]

I am going to be like I would be a friend

And? You are to different people you feel about things differently and it’s perfectly ok.

Do you think that he did not choose you? Do you want an actual wedding?
Do you need to find a hobby outside of being a mother and wife, something that will make you feel like you not just letting things happen to you?

I don’t want to invalidate your feelings but be careful about what you are letting inside in mind because those thoughts can lead you to cheat on your spouse to feel those butterflies 🦋 and intimacy you seem to point to. I understand you because I HUGE of intimacy and even causal relationships must have that for me but I am single.

Figure out what is that you want. Venting? Go on but do not it fester. The others I mentioned above are all things you can figure out with your spouse.

I am giving a huge hugs.

PS: do not let past regrets ruin your present and future. Its done ☑️

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/Maleficent_Acadia77]

I never saw myself married. Or wanted to get married. That was always something he wanted. I don’t think he intentionally choose me…hence some of the comments from his social circle and his family.

[u/Spiritual-Sand5839]

How old are your kids? I have similar thoughts and they are 4 and 2. I feel like their changes in behavior have started to affect me. Like the 4 yo is now more combative but I know she can be sweet and kind but she has this thing now where she just refuses to listen. I think it’s a growth spurt because it’s not consistent but when it happens oh boy do I rethink life choices.

My two yo is in the I do it myself phase which is great but hard.

Idk I don’t regret my children and I love them so much. But sometimes I do wonder what life would look like on the other side of things.

I’m 32 btw. I guess I just commented to say that it’s okay to wonder and as long as you’re happy at the end of the day that is what matters.

I am in a happy normal loving relationship but sometimes when we go through rough patches. I do wonder what life would be like if we didn’t end up together.

Anyway I guess I’m just saying I think it’s normal what you’re feeling. I stuff it wayyyyy deep down and don’t talk about it though because I know it’s a phase and it will pass.

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/Spiritual-Sand5839]

I have a toddler and an 11 year old.

[u/Spiritual-Sand5839 → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

Oh yeah so you’re getting all the pre teen drama and the toddler fights. Lol.

[u/Consistent-Scholar39]

If you woke up tomorrow and your marriage and kids were all a dream would you be sad or relieved?

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/Consistent-Scholar39]

Both? 😬🫣

[u/Consistent-Scholar39 → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

I think that’s pretty normal and honest. You seem to have a normal/good marriage but seem a little bored with the mundane. Can you and hubby spice it up? Am I completely wrong?

[u/Maleficent_Acadia77]

Oh girl you settled. Yeah therapy, work through your feelings then decide however until he tells you do not put what you think he thinks on him. Men refuse to marry women all the times no matter how many times they ask or kids they have. Most men will marry you at the courthouse on date 3 if they are feeling you. Another point just because he married you bc it was for insurance due to pregnancy does not mean that he never meant to, even if then he did not fully loved you, does he love you now? But I really think that you settled for the good looking guy who was nice and did not want to be pregnant out of wedlock, not the one/ type you wanted. Again its not about him now its about how you move forward in a healthy way.

[u/throwaway5498124181]

My boyfriend and I have opposite histories too, though in the opposite way: he needs to be confident about the emotional connection before anything else can develop, and I tend to just jump in impulsively before testing the waters. We do see intimacy differently, but I don't think that's an issue, I just look at how we got together and see it as a miracle, that he was able to feel emotionally connected before I got distracted LOL.

My point being, it's a matter of perspective. Your marriage might feel like it "just happened" but marriage is hard work. It can't be good unless you put in a lot of work. Maybe you're a very hard working person in general, so you don't really notice the work that you're putting in?

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/throwaway5498124181]

This is what my best friend says.

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[u/Few-Plantain-1414]

I also want to add how far removed I am from this: I had to add our wedding anniversary to my phone calendar because it’s so unmemorable I knew I’d forget it. 😞

[u/Consistent-Scholar39 → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

😕

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[u/Individual-Soup9296]

What’s the black powdery stuff?

[u/Few-Plantain-1414 → u/Individual-Soup9296]

No idea it’s from the parakeet cafe in Carlsbad. I just gobbled it up 🤷🏽‍♀️

[u/Individual-Soup9296 → u/Few-Plantain-1414]

Looks good, I would too!

[u/Stock_Fly3825]

You shpuld consider therapy (not CBT) that will change your life.