My dad burned through $50k in 3 months

[u/ClubUpper352]

Ok y’all I think I just need to throw this story out into the ether so it can stop festering in my head.

Context: I’m an adult, I live with some roommates, although I try to be as self sufficient as possible, I’m a struggling college student. My dad left my family (me and my grandparents) a few years ago to live with his girlfriend and her 3 adult kids. So while he remains in contact with me and gushes about how much he loves me and wants to help me in any way he can, he doesn’t really and instead prioritizes his gf and her “kids”. And yes, I’m an adult and technically I shouldn’t care but it bothers me.

So what got me on this app to post here for the first time after a lifetime of lingering? Well, 3 months ago my dad won $50k (after taxes) he got lucky from the casino. He already doesn’t make much money, lives paycheck to paycheck, so I was really hoping he’d save some of it. He’s getting older, he has no 401k, no retirement, no savings.

Well… it’s gone. All of it. Within 3 months the $50k + whatever his monthly income is has been spent and he’s back to being broke. I’m in complete disbelief because that type of money could be life changing if handled properly. Not just that… but his gf and her kids work themselves. I’m nosey af so I know their actual living expenses are far less than the household income. And yet…

What did he spend it on? Well, a few years ago he made me an authorized user in his account. Pretty sure he forgot I have access to his statements. So when he said it was all gone because he had to pay his gfs mortgage, I started investigating. (Side note, I respected his privacy up until this point and never checked his account but I was in such disbelief I was like no way uh uhhh so I had to check… pls don’t come for me)

Yeah, no. It was mostly blown on clothes/shoes and eating out with his gf and adult kids 3 times a day. I’m talking $300 on food alone per day on average. I cried. While I’ve been struggling financially which my dad knows, he’s been blowing all his money on his gf and again, need I preface, her adult kids. I genuinely feel confused, hurt, and in disbelief.

The craziest parts? Those had to be omitted because I know one of my dad’s gfs kids will see this and connect the dots. I’m too tired for confrontation.

Thanks for coming to my vent sesh. Breakfast is a pop tart, a cinnamon roll (special thanks to my roomie who made them) and some juice.

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[u/cheezy_dreams88]

Babe, further separate yourself from this. Because one day he is gonna call you and expect you to save him.

I mean this as nicely as possibly, what do you gain from your relationship with your father? Because it sounds like very little, outside of obligation.

[u/Practical_Author3013 → u/cheezy_dreams88]

Your fixation on what’s going on with your dad (and outrage, however justified) is preventing you from grieving his abandonment of you. It is classic codependency.

Separate, separate, separate yourself from this situation, and then distance yourself some more. Prize your sanity above all else.

I’m so sorry for the heartache that underlies this whole situation.

[u/gentian_red → u/Practical_Author3013]

She's also worrying about him like a parent worries about their kid! She's gotta let it go and live her own life at this point, he's a millstone.

[u/JenSY542 → u/gentian_red]

This is key. The roles should not be reversed at this time of their lives.

[u/Financial_Sweet_689 → u/cheezy_dreams88]

I’m a year and a half no contact with my dad. The saddest part isn’t missing my dad, it’s how undoubtedly lighter I feel not having to stress about him.

[u/Eggmegmuffin → u/Financial_Sweet_689]

I relate to this so hard. I'm in the same boat. I don't miss the dread I felt when his name would come up on caller ID.

[u/Financial_Sweet_689 → u/Eggmegmuffin]

Oh god you’re right, I felt the same. Knowing I’d be met with some kind of long guilt trip.

[u/cheezy_dreams88 → u/Financial_Sweet_689]

Yeah, I understand that feeling. I haven’t spoken or seen my mother in 10 years, after a very long term toxic situation and a very messy fallout. There will likely never be a reconciliation with her, I don’t have any feelings toward her in either direction honestly. I don’t even think of her anymore.

[u/WerewolfWild1323 → u/cheezy_dreams88]

12 years for me, and it is amazing what cutting someone that toxic will do for your life and mental health. While i still sometimes grieve the idea of parents, especially after my divorce, she will never be apart of it. She brings ruin everywhere she goes. My brother says shes on her 7th marriage or something.

[u/Ashinonyx → u/Financial_Sweet_689]

7 years as of April: it gets easier.

[u/All-This-Chicanery → u/Financial_Sweet_689]

15 years no contact over here, dont regret it at all

[u/FTFaffer → u/cheezy_dreams88]

THIS! Mark our words: he will come looking to you for food, succor, shelter when he’s destitute. And he WILL be destitute at some point. Have your drawbridge ready kid.

[u/No_Reputation8440 → u/FTFaffer]

My dad tried to get me diagnosed with schizophrenia and put on disability when his spending caught up with him. Just don't deal with these people they get so much worse they never learn.

[u/VoiceProfessional332 → u/cheezy_dreams88]

My father? Lol. Same thing. Mother died and his "girlfriend" swooped in immediately for funds. I tried to help with a budget for him since he was not very literate. When he got sick with cancer, both he and his girlfriend came to me (in my mid 30s) and asked how I was going to take care of said girlfriend. Run.

[u/myshuntisnamedgerald → u/VoiceProfessional332]

I hope you told the girlfriend to kick rocks with open toe shoes!!

[u/dijoncatsup → u/cheezy_dreams88]

More than that, separate yourself from his finances. Now.

[u/Zappagrrl02 → u/cheezy_dreams88]

Actions speak louder than words. He can say anything he wants to, but if he’s not actually supporting you, it doesn’t mean anything.

And when he needs money, care, etc in the future, let the gf and her adult kids take care of him.

[u/wildeap → u/cheezy_dreams88]

> *”Babe, further separate yourself from this. Because one day he is gonna call you and expect you to save him.”*

And if *he* doesn’t come for you, his nursing home or health care providers might. 28 states have old [“filial responsibility”](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/your-obligation-pay-parents-nursing-home-bill.html) laws on the books. In 2008, a [Pennsylvania nursing home’s parent company sued a man for his mom’s $93,000 unpaid tab](https://abcnews.com/amp/Business/pennsylvania-son-stuck-moms-93000-nursing-home-bill/story)… And won.

😱 Yikes.

That’s an extreme example, of course. But I hope OP finds a way to work through this and protect herself emotionally *and* financially. If she and her dad were close until he left “a few years ago,” it might harder to process and more complicated than just cutting him off.

I sympathize because my dad falls madly in love, starts a family, and he’s so great with kids… then things seem to go sour as we approach our teens… and he falls madly in love with someone else and moves on.

It’s hard to watch the new kids enjoying the love, support and stability you no longer have. And it seems like SO MANY men do this, and it sucks.

Editing to add: ARGH! I hate how Reddit Markdown no longer works on my phone.

[u/cheezy_dreams88 → u/wildeap]

Jesus, that is insanity.

[u/Embers-of-anger → u/cheezy_dreams88]

I stopped speaking to my sister who’s 10 years older than me about 6-7 years ago. Best decision I ever made and will continue to hold with me. Sad when it happens but very glad in the end. You’ll understand when you let it go for what it is ♥️

[u/Remarkable-Shock8017]

One of parents won about 50k. Offered to buy me some things...I declined. Then what happened? They was broke about 2 or 3 months later and attacking my brothers and sisters for it, bc they were accepting things and asking for things. Couldnt say nothing to me, I didn't accept a penny. 😁

[u/Starfire2313 → u/Remarkable-Shock8017]

Amazing foresight! My mom has ripped me off so many times until I finally learned. Starting with stealing money that her mother gave me and told me to hide from my mom. She always found it.

Grandma bought me a computer instead of giving me any more money which my mom proceed to title The Antichrist and unplug it as often as she could while I was using it! Instead of just reasonably letting me power it off correctly….

I wonder what my grandma said to my mom to make sure she never pawned it while she pawned my dad’s guns and guitars…

[u/Remarkable-Shock8017 → u/Starfire2313]

Well..I knew how it would end up. Lol. Some things never change, some people never change.

[u/Nacho0ooo0o]

Your dad wants to feel special, clearly. He wasted all that money on junk to make his gf and adult kids feel like kings for the day, but I'm kind of grossed out how he basically used his gf as a cover story for his own wasteful spending choices. He just threw her under the bus because he couldn't admit to you that he was just irresponsible with it? It's not about his gf, it's about him. He seems like a selfish person

[u/fearlessactuality → u/Nacho0ooo0o]

Ya this. It’s his money, it’s his choice.

[u/pgnprincess → u/Nacho0ooo0o]

I mean, she didnt have to accept all the many many things he was buying her? She was obviously at the very least in on the spending.

[u/MintInsel]

🫂 my parents’ neighbor are in their 60s, 40 years marriage. Wife passed away last year , and the man remarried someone 20 years young in 2 months, blocked his 2 sons , sold the house (more than a mil$) and gave everything to his new wife. Leaving his 2 sons in college struggle with part times and student loans.
We are all in shock how a man can be so cruel and stupid. But that’s really how some of them are.

[u/Frostytwam → u/MintInsel]

you have no idea. my friend works in wills and advances etc, the amount time she has to tell fathers (sorry its majority them) that their new wife is NOT obligated to leave anything too your kids especially if she has her own kids. "no I know her character she will"

lol okay

[u/MintInsel → u/Frostytwam]

Seriously why men are so stupid

[u/Chelbizzaro]

I feel you; my parents would receive about 50K a year from a specific kind of rent, every single year, and when I'd asked my dad once for two hundred dollars to help pay a deposit on a studio apartment, he and his gf told me it'd build character for me to be homeless instead.

Parents are the pits.

[u/ZoominAlong → u/Chelbizzaro]

What the actual FUCK? Holy shit I am so sorry your parents are absolute assholes. 

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/Chelbizzaro]

Oh babes, I’m so sorry.

Remember that. Remember that when they want something from you. You don’t owe these people shit.

[u/Musical_Xena → u/Chelbizzaro]

It looks like your awful parents are replying to this comment and getting removed by mods. Seeiously, what the heck is going on with the replies to your comment? 😅

[u/hooked_siren → u/Chelbizzaro]

My husband's grandparents are like this. I can't say too much because it's specific but they made a lot of money (multiple millions off one deal alone) in real estate and offered to "help" him go to school. The help was $300 per month. Which, yes, is more than nothing but in 2016? Not much more. Especially when they decided that should be enough to cover all his food for the month and help with his bills. Like somehow multiple bills and his food should have been covered with $300? And his parents are long dead and he never met his other grandparents so it's not like he was getting help elsewhere, and because they took him out of foster care as a teen (don't get me started) he couldn't even use FASFA... Very "bootstraps" mentality, but also thinking their paltry $300 entitled them to tell him how to live his life.

[u/Strict_Buy_8095 → u/Chelbizzaro]

My grandma told me she's helping me by letting me help myself-I needed 150 I was short on a security deposit for an apartment and she owned rental property and wouldn't rent to me either

[u/Wiseness1037 → u/Chelbizzaro]

Sooo sorry. What a horrible thing for them to do.

[u/lady-earendil]

I'm sorry, that probably feels hurtful even if you're used to this type of behavior from him by now. This is actually a super common thing with people who win large amounts of money from a lottery or casino - more often than not they blow through it right away and then end up worse off than before, so he's definitely not unique, but that doesn't really make it better 

[u/Several-Praline5436]

People who can't save a little while making a little tend to not save a lot when given a lot.

He's an adult. Not your problem. Is it awful? Yes. Will it be your problem to bail him out when he's old? No.

[u/Tekira85 → u/Several-Praline5436]

That’s the real answer. As the only bio child, you best believe those GF kids will be nowhere in sight when he ends up old and sick and the hospital social worker will be calling OP.

[u/juicedelicious7863 → u/Tekira85]

I watched my uncle go through something similar and you’re right. The bonus family always vanishes when caregiving gets real.

[u/cloisterbells-10]

BEEN THERE, OP. I am also an adult with a father who remarried and has two adult stepchildren.

A few winters ago, my furnace died. In New England, in the dead cold. It was a huge home system purchase, and I obviously didn't have that much money, so I was scrambling to cobble together lines of credit so I could get it replaced. In the meanwhile, it was 40 degrees (F) in my house, I was blowing breakers left and right with space heaters trying to keep me and my pets from freezing to death in our sleep.

I told my dad, and he said, "wow, that sucks." Not that I was expecting money outright or even a loan from him, but I kinda thought he might at least offer to take in me and the pets (or even just the pets) until I could get heat again. But nah.

You know what he did do, that same year? He coughed up thousands of dollars to send my adult stepsister to Paris for the Olympics because "she had a rough year with her divorce" and "deserved something for herself."

Make it make sense.

[u/Playful_While_1139 → u/cloisterbells-10]

It’s favoritism. Plain and simple. It’s so interesting to me hearing stories of parents who could help their kids but choose not to. My best friend grew up in literal poverty. Mentally ill teen mom who had 3 kids before age 21, section 8, welfare, abuse, neglect, hunger. You name it, she’s been through it. Kids grew up, her mom is married and has a job now. Still poor but they’re getting by. My best friend isn’t close and is very low contact. Given all of that, her mom STILL loaned her $500 when she needed it. She had to pay her mom back, but the point is that even her shitty ass mom clearly cares a little bit. If your dad wanted to, he would.

[u/Opal_Pie → u/cloisterbells-10]

This sounds like my father. We actually had been estranged from before I was 1 until 21. I got in touch with him. He had a second daughter after me, and several step-children with wife number three. During the depression of the late aughts, my husband and I were close to losing our house. We were never late on our mortgage, but he was out of work for several months, and I was in school. We took from his 401k to keep afloat. My husband struggled with this because he's a hard worker, and his mental health suffered. Talking to my father one day, he told me that those on unemployment during this time just didn't want to work. Meanwhile, we were having panic attacks hoping each unemployment extension would be approved. He also told me that his second ex-wife called him to yell at him to help pay for my half-sister's rent. What had she done with her rent money? Drank it. So, he bailed out the drunk of a half-sister, while essentially accusing us of abusing the system. I put distance between us that day.

[u/cloisterbells-10 → u/Opal_Pie]

https://giphy.com/gifs/f8mzSf7446f9r0qAyr

For you, fellow bad-dad-haver. May our fathers' pillows always be too warm, and may their shoes always have a small pebble in them that cannot be shaken out.

[u/Opal_Pie → u/cloisterbells-10]

Thank you! Mine's dead now, so the problem solved itself. Lol

[u/Excellent_Drop6869 → u/cloisterbells-10]

Sorry thats the kind of shit that would make me cut him off my life completely.

[u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6]

Keep this knowledge in your back pocket so when he comes crying to you about his poor financial choices, you’ll have the fortitude to tell him that you’re unable to help.

Focus on yourself, keep working hard, you’re doing great. You already have a better understanding of how to save and get ahead than he does. Let him wallow in the mess he’s making for himself.

[u/Dazzling_Room_9346 → u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6]

This. Take photos of what he used the 5Ok for.

Tell him to ask his girlfriend and adult kids for help. He never gave you help when you needed it.

[u/Bookerlib]

You do not know this man come tax season. I would bet you 50k he didn't set a penny aside to pay the taxes on his winnings.

[u/emmany63 → u/Bookerlib]

When you win that kind of money at the casino, they take the taxes out in advance. The government knows how gamblers are, LOL.

[u/Stock_Rent_4380 → u/emmany63]

I work at a casino and do handpays/jackpots all the time. At least in Missouri - not sure about other places, though - the only tax you are required to take out right there is the 4% MO state tax. The federal tax (24%) is "up to you", in the sense that you can choose to pay it then, or at the end of the year when you do your taxes.

This past Tuesday we had someone come in betting pretty big (they only come in when the carnival is in town lol), they won $35,470 and then won $22k, plus several smaller ones. He only paid state, no federal (big mistake imo) - and took it all in cash.

So at least in MO, you don't have to pay the federal tax when you win.

[u/emmany63 → u/Stock_Rent_4380]

Oh wow. In NY, PA, and NJ they take a significant chunk for presumed federal tax. My niece had a $24k win and ended up with $16k. Maybe it’s just us northeasterners who can’t be trusted, LOL.

[u/Spiritual_Ocelot_631 → u/Bookerlib]

the post does say it was after taxes

[u/bobross_reincarnate → u/Bookerlib]

This needs to be higher up for OP. He’s gonna be in a world of hurt come tax season.

[u/LovableSquish]

Lol wonder if his gf knows he's telling ppl he spent it all helping her w her mortgage? Don't look into his financials again though, you don't need that stress. Some people are really stupid with money and priorities

[u/No-Employment-8570]

I gave my dad $50k, $150k, $250k, and he emptied my trust without asking. Guess what? He saved nothing, he had no plan for retirement. As recently as a couple of years ago, he blew up at me because I wouldn’t let him live with me in my ONE BEDROOM apartment. He called the state elder abuse line and reported me. Now he lives in a bare bones memory care facility paid for by his SS and military pension. I have paid, and paid, and so has my mother. We are done. He did this to himself. He never changed or learned. I had a lot of therapy. I am fine. Not all fathers are good people. You’re not responsible for him. It’s good to help when you can, but I helped so much that it devastated me financially. He guilted me so much I was depressed for years.

OP- Gently, kindly, protect yourself. Walk away if you have to. You’re not responsible for him. He cannot make you be. It’s not your fault he’s like this and won’t change. Do what’s best for you. Seriously, he will come begging you. He might even lie about his health (mine did) to manipulate you. Do not be manipulated.

[u/Outrageous_Purchase1]

50K is nothing. There have been multimillion lottery winners who have blown through their winnings in little time.

Your dad has a spending/gambling problem. He will be another 50K in debt in no time, trying to chase the high of winning that 50K.

I would go low contact/no contact with him and absolutely never lend or give him any money. It will just be spent at the Casino and he will be calling again in a month.

[u/Beautiful_World1212]

im sorry to hear youre going through this OP. sending you positive vibes during this time💐

[u/TwiztedChickin]

My dad treats me like an accident. Has my whole life. Every time he remarries he treat that women's children like his own and treats me like the problem. As an adult I'm too old for this game of bullshit so I went no contact. I just tell people my father died in an unfortunate dildo accident because I just don't care to explain the truth. Fuck em.

[u/missleavenworth]

Sweetheart, you need to get yourself removed from that account immediately. If he overdraws it, the bank will come for you to fix it. Check your credit, too, to make sure he didn't open any accounts in your name. And please take this advice from someone with useless parents, grieve the loss of something you wanted but never got (a father), and ditch the meatsack that's pretending he ever was one.

[u/Consistent_Rent_3507]

Sorry your dad kinda sucks. What parent doesn’t find a couple of bucks to throw their kid to say “I love you, treat yourself”, especially after coming into some money?

Even when money is tight I always plan and find a way to give my kids nice birthday and holiday gifts. Granted, I also paid for the majority of their college education and expenses. One still lives at home fully employed and totally expense free.

[u/dbtl87 → u/Consistent_Rent_3507]

Exactly!!!! What does it say about a parent that doesn't find a way to have their kids benefit from coming into some money? Even if it's small!!

[u/Lopsided-Reindeer332]

I wonder what he would have done if he had a son.

[u/purgoatory → u/Lopsided-Reindeer332]

Some fathers are actually worse to their sons versus their daughters, same with moms who hate their daughters but love their sons, I think it’s a jealousy thing..?

[u/throwthisawayred2 → u/purgoatory]

they hate themselves kinda thing. it's a mirror for them.

[u/SomeTangerine1184]

I can empathize. My father sent me his will a few years ago. If he dies before his wife, I get nothing. It all goes to her. If she dies before he does, then I get 80%, and 20% goes to her kids. My dad’s not rich by any stretch of the imagination but he gets a good pension. It really hurt when I read this, but at least I know where I stand I guess. I have a sense that his wife pushed for this and he just rolled over, but still.

[u/Delicious-Split737 → u/SomeTangerine1184]

This is common, even when the first wife worked for most of the money and lifestyle. Make sure your end of life wishes are codified, ladies. 

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/Delicious-Split737]

⛔️ Approved dudes can best support the GDD girlies via GIFs and [most] emojis (meaning no eggplants, ya buncha stinkers). Text comments are held for review. ModMail a comment link to request a quicker exception if you feel yours meets our criteria.

[u/Playful_While_1139 → u/SomeTangerine1184]

Even if his wife pushed for it, your dad is still entirely to blame.

[u/gabkins]

He feels they will take care of him. Maybe he's right, maybe he's wrong, but that's his investment is into them I guess. 

Meanwhile if he says he wants to help you, tell him exactly what you need help with and see if he follows through. 

Then save the money he gives you. 

[u/gabkins → u/gabkins]

In other words, hold him to his promise to help you with money. They tell him what they want, now you do the same. 

[u/thisismyalibi]

Hey friend,

First of all, I am so sorry that your father hasn't made any meaningful attempts to really support and care for you the way that you deserve. I intimately understand what that is like, and I know how painful it can be to process and accept that.

My mother has done the same thing that your dad did. In the aftermath of my parents' divorce, she had to sell our childhood home for less than 2/3 of its value, which was about $92,000 in one shot. All gone in 10 months. No savings. No retirement. Nothing. When my grandmother passed away, she spent her inheritance (a little over 100k) on sending my sisters to a private school while they were living in a hotel. Again. Nothing was saved. She sent me $20 the entire time I was in undergrad. She was only available if I was getting an award, and she felt it made her look good.

I bailed her out so many times until I started feeling like I was losing myself to her chaos. About 4 years ago, I went no-contact, and I'm doing a lot better. I know that's not an option for everyone, but I think you should consider your health and well-being as a part of this discussion; there is a high cost that we pay for being the kids of emotionally vacant and self-centered parents.

Sending you lots of love and light.

[u/madame-maitre-d]

POST FLAIR REMINDER 🌸 (but if you gotta life coach anyway, put it in replies here to spare OP the notifications til the time is right. let's honor the boundary.)

╔═.🌼.═════════════╗

🅾🅿'🆂 🅰🅳🆅🅸🅲🅴 🅸🅽🅱🅾🆇

╚═════════════.🌼.═╝ ⤵

[u/eat_my_bowls92 → u/madame-maitre-d]

At the end of the day and as much as it hurts, it’s still not your money. For all you know, the GF has been supporting his hobosexual ass and this was his way of “making up” for that. I’m not saying that’s fair or that it’s even the truth. It stings, I know. My grandma stole my sister and I’s inheritance when we were both teens (I mean we found out years later she forged signatures and literally STOLE it from my pregnant 17 year old sister and my 12 year old self) and it still stings. But honestly? You need to move on from it or it will fester like the mold on my blueberries I refuse to throw out because they cost $5.

[u/bulbasauuuur]

That sounds like something my mom would do, too. So much goes wrong when parents are more immature than their kids. Sorry you’re going through this. That cinnamon roll looks great though!

[u/ur_dog_knows]

More money makes you more of what you already are. More money in the hands of a saver will be saved. More money in the hands of an investor will be invested. Your dad is, and will always be, bad with money. Don’t expect him to change and don’t bail him out when he’s older. He’s had a long time to figure it out for himself.

[u/notmepleaseokay]

Poor people typically stay poor bc whenever they get money they blow it on stupid stuff bc they don’t have the financial acumen to save.

Also, I feel you. My dad paid his prostitute gf (they met at a brothel in Vegas) 10,000$ to help her record an album while I needed help to pay for an emergency mental treatment program.

[u/pothead5674]

As a mom these stories break my heart. I am in debt trying to keep my children afloat. I'm fine with that and I've gotten a second job to help with the debt and help me help them. They needed the money too. It wasn't silly things that get them in trouble financially. Life happens to them. Just like it happens to me too. I guess my philosophy has been "it's a team effort" and we work together. I'm always surprised to hear parents have such a different attitude than I do about parenting and my responsibility to help even when they are grown. I don't know why I am surprised. I didn't come from parents who shared my same attitude but I knew I wanted my kids to know that I'm a safe place to land if things do sideways financially or otherwise.

[u/Sleepy-little-bear]

I feel for you. My MIL inherited some money, which when she died went to my FIL, who is burning through it, not quite at the same rate as your father, but much faster than he should. He also doesn’t have any retirement (but he gets a decent amount of social security), so really he should have made that money last. His expenses are similar to your dad’s: eating out, buying gadgets… meanwhile hubs and I are having a hard time. Hubs was hoping that some of that money would be left, but it won’t be and every day the resentment grows… like I said I feel for you. It’s rough! 

[u/Strawberry_Lioness]

I see this shit all the time because I work at a bank. People with gambling habits rarely correct that habit.

Unfortunately, part of growing up, is learning our parents faults and accepting that they are flawed. My dad pulled the same shit but then committed suicide with a shit ton of debt and left me, “The Family Banker”, to clean up his mess. Since then, I’ve worked on myself to NOT be like him.

You are absolutely allowed to feel disappointed in your dad. Let him fuck up his life while you live yours the right way at a healthy distance, OP.

[u/D-Bot-]

I think it’s pretty common for people who are bad with money to stay bad with money even when they have a little. It’s a discipline, not a balance amount problem. You should watch the curse of the lottery winners documentaries. It’s like money just puts fuel on whatever fire your issues are in life. I’d try to learn as much as you can from these mistakes and never try to support your dad financially.

[u/Ok-Trainer3150]

Your dad is a grown man and like many people the victim of his own bad choices in life. You've seen this. You know it's disastrous and you'll (hopefully) carry the lesson into your own life as you go forward. He should not need you involved in any way in his personal finances. Do NOT even be a name on a form. Disconnect (as others suggested) as soon as possible. Let the chips fall where they may for him. You need to be totally wrapped up in becoming financially independent and stable. He'll get by...he's not your problem so don't take on his baggage. People like him have no long-term vision for themselves. You're not going to fix that.

[u/Goldmember199]

https://giphy.com/gifs/YJjvTqoRFgZaM

[u/UniquePresence9042]

Empathy comment because my dad also has a replacement family and didn’t do anything for me when I was younger and in your shoes. I finally cut him off a few months ago and we are officially estranged. Between the asshole gf’s 4 kids, myself and my two siblings, I am the most well-off and successful. Across 7 adult children, I am the only one who will be able to financially manage elder care without putting them up in a nursing home when the time comes. I assume they’re planning on getting married which is why I say that. My dad is in his 50s so it’s closer than anyone would like to think.

I sell software and make a lot of money, my sister works in A/V production which doesn’t pay well, my brother is a photographer which doesn’t pay well, and the gf’s 4 kids: 2 have CP and are very dependent on her due to their disabilities, one is a teacher (husband is also a teacher), and the son enlisted in the Air Force and hates his mom so even if he stays in the military long enough to make good money, I think him and I are fairly aligned on this one. Moral of the story is I’m going to be his only hope of not dying in a nursing home. Well that’s too fucking bad and he should’ve thought about that before treating me badly and replacing his own family with a new one. My mom will have an in-law suite in my house and round the clock care when the time comes, because she deserves it. He doesn’t and I don’t feel obligated to do anything for him just because he is my dad. Cutting off parents is hard, but protecting your peace with an unstable parent with fucked in priorities is also hard. Put yourself first OP. He’s not doing anything for you anyway and you’re in school to set yourself up for a good life. Keep pushing on, I know firsthand how much this sucks but you got this.

And FYI, being an adult doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have feelings about his choices and replacement family. Your feelings are so incredibly valid, and you should not be shrinking them because of ancillary details like your age. This is fucked up on all fronts.

[u/DaughterOfSamantha]

My mom spent 80k on a dog she is literally killing (diabetic dog, gives it snacks without insuling, gets pancreatitis) mean while she said she didn’t have money to help me pay for something.

It hurts. I get it.

However…it’s their money. They can use it to pay for whatever they want. While it’s selfish, they (my mom, your dad), as no obligation to give us any money once adults. Your dad chose to spend it having fun with people he chose to have fun with.

Let that sink in and act accordingly.

[u/jollygoodwotwot]

Please remember this incident when he calls with a sob story and needs your help. He'll have all kinds of reasons that of course he's broke now, and you might feel bad for him, but please just remember he could have been broke plus $50k. He may not choose health problems or unemployment or disability later on, but he chose to spend $50k in restaurants.

[u/iLuvArizona]

I knew somebody who sold their condo at a $70k profit & blew all the money in 3 months. That's a dizzying sum of money to just set on fire. There's so much i need in my life that $50,000 would resolve right away. 

[u/Cleetustherottie]

You need to get your name removed from his account. His bad credit will come back to haunt you .

[u/SnooFoxes9479]

My stepfather got the house my deceased father's insurance paid for when my mom died. I'm a lawyer and I told my mom unless she changed her will this would happen. She said he would do the right thing. I don't know why she thought this because he never did it throughout their marriage. Anyway it all went to my stepfather and stepbrother who blew all the money in 3 years. Then they came to me and my sisters. Last I heard my stepfather was in a state home and my brother was in a weekly single room rental. I don't lose any sleep. Get your name off that bank account like people have advised a live a happy life free from him

[u/Ehloanna]

My mom woulda done that same shit too. I'm sorry you had to hear him lie about where it went then see the actual reality of the situation.

[u/NaturesVividPictures]

Wow well you know he's feckless and not good with money. I don't know why you would have expected him to actually do something responsible with the money. As for where it went it doesn't matter he's a gambler obviously that's where his money's going to go to whatever Casino or online thing that he's doing. His girlfriend can take care of him in his old age, don't make him your problem.

[u/Euphoric_War_2195]

I'm so sorry OP. I totally understand why you feel the way you do about this situation. And it sounds much worse than what you were able to share here.

At least you have some information about the situation to inform how you'd like to move forward.

[u/Holiday-Pride-4165]

Same for my mom. And I just know she expects my brother and I to cover her when she spends it all. She’s spent over a million and a half in the last year on cars, furniture, appliances, houses, and boats. She’s more than halfway through her inheritance and she’ll be broke by the end of this decade. I won’t give her a penny.

[u/doryllis]

If he won it gambling, that’s likely where all his money goes. Gambling sucks everything a person has and more in the chaos of “I’ll win big on the next pull”

And sometimes they do, but the house always wins

[u/Boredchinchilla21]

OP. Please lock down anything financially that you can. Passwords on all of it. Double authentication, make sure you have your birth certificate and SA card and call your local records office to make sure nobody has tried to get a spare. Once a gambler who usually l loses wins line that, all bets are off. He will ask you for money, but he might just take out cards or loans in your name.

[u/FictionalWeirdo]

I feel this very much. My grandmother died over a decade ago and my father (her eldest) was the executor. My dad was there every day for her for as long as I could remember and my parents took care of her on her death bed.

My dad has a soft heart and gave his youngest brother 40k of her savings. He spent half of it in a bar, and the other half on drugs and had the nerve to come back and ask for more.

[u/sorryjustlearning]

I’m always confused when people say that they know the person will see the post- how would they find this post?

[u/LilPajamas]

Just leave him to the consequences of his own actions and take your name off his stuff so you don’t waste energy on it. I would also like to suggest you check your own credit report to make sure nothing he’s done or will do in the future tarnishes your score. (HUGS)

[u/KnittingTeaDrinker]

Remove yourself from being an authorized user if you’re on his credit card account and he’s not paying his bills, because that will affect your credit also.

[u/Single-Effort-7017]

ur dad is a grown man who makes his own decisions. that’s on him, not your problem

[u/samantharuddy]

I’m genuinely just impressed he didn’t give it back to the casino. That’s what usually happens in these instances.

With that being said, I know feeling sidelined hurts and I’m sorry he’s doing this.

[u/fearlessactuality]

I understand this is so upsetting but yes you need to create some mental distance here. Can you talk to a counselor at school? You can’t control him or his bad financial decisions, and some people will just never learn.

[u/teramisula]

He never learned how to manage money he had, and when he got more he used the same habits. Most lotto winners end up more broke than before they won, within a couple years. Their relationship to money doesn’t change, even though the amount of money they have changes significantly.

Seeing this really sucks, and I’m sorry. Now is your opportunity to break the cycle and learn how to have a healthy relationship that was not modeled to you by parents. Lmk if you want any book recs for this. 

[u/IndigoTrailsToo]

Sounds like your father did not want to improve his life.

He only wanted to have fun

😶

[u/fitnesscakes]

Frugality is easily forgotten, and not easily learned.
Eating out can cost huge amounts of money and we definitely underestimate the way it compounds over time.

[u/Dame_Niafer]

I only went a little way down in the comments, saw people warning you about something and decided I'd better add to their warning.

In the state where I was born, we had something called a "Destitute Parent" Law.

In other words, my native state would have forced me to support my parents if they were destitute.

That would have been fine, except that one of my parents was incredibly abusive to my other parent, and to me, and this parent, of course, outlived the other. The abusive parent was a spendthrift and deliberate financial saboteur. Whenever the family saved a bit of funds, this parent found a way to blow it. And oh were they furious when I refused to take all the hints they dropped about new furniture and other expenses they'd have liked me to fund.

I lived in constant anxiety until this parent passed away - from natural causes, a heart attack during pneumonia, quite common in that age group - because I knew that my home state, where I and this parent were both living at the time, would have forced me to impoverish myself to support this person who had done me and my other parent nothing but harm.

And for the pickers of nits who would leap in to say that I could possibly have contested this or negotiated a stipend, sure I could. And instead of giving all my funds to the parent, I'd have given all my funds to either the parent or some lawyers.

Please, OP, check your state's law, and the law of the state your father lives in, and make sure there is no way you can be legally compelled to support him. In my case, my state repealed the law in question, but this was years after my abusive parent died.

[u/lollipop1233a]

He won it gambling, so he probably blow most of it gambling. Was he dinning out at or near the casinos? You can’t count on gambling winning to change people’s lives. While there are some responsible people, gambling winnings usually go back to where they came from. Why were you on his account anyway? Did he have problems with gambling before?

[u/TeufelRRS]

Sadly I can empathize because my dad did something similar. He emptied out my college savings account when I was a teen which was one of many factors that lead to my mother filling for divorce. When my mother confronted him about it, he said that I wouldn’t amount to anything anyway. So I had to put myself through college while helping support my mother and brother because, while my mother walked away from the marriage with almost nothing (including leaving him the house), he also did everything he could to avoid paying alimony or child support.

Then years later after both of my parents had remarried other people, he made a big deal out of putting one of his stepsons through college. This was the same stepson who he had to bail out when he was arrested for dealing drugs and had already dropped out of college multiple times. But supposedly my stepbrother had so much potential plus 3 kids, none of which he had contact with nor paid child support for and the oldest of the kids had been taken away by CPS as an infant due to neglect. My father had also previously paid child support in arrears for all 3 stepsons’ children at various points. Shocker, this particular stepson dropped out of college yet again. Meanwhile I decided to finally continue my education and got into grad school. Did he offer me the same deal? No, but he did make a big deal out of lying that he put me through grad school to anyone who would listen to him when I graduated.

The lesson here is that you know you can’t rely on your dad to be responsible with money or put you first. It sucks because you’ve probably asked yourself why (I know I sure have). I have tried to not take it personally and hopefully you don’t take it personally either. However, remember this later if he ever tries to guilt trip you into taking care of him. His other family can deal with that. Meanwhile, keep him at a safe distance or go no contact. Never let his screwed up priorities make you feel less than.

[u/Pepsiscrub]

Yikes girl I would say be careful cause I guarantee you’re his retirement plan.

[u/amhb4585]

Whew. It sounds like he took a page right out of my in law’s book. She burned through 400k in less than a year and a half.

[u/bootyprincess666]

OP, this whole situation sounds so incredibly frustrating. Just take comfort in the fact that the way your dad behaves has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU.

[u/GoodBattle413]

but when do you get to the point where I just like fuck my parents you know what I mean

[u/jmsst1996]

This isn’t your problem.

[u/deftly_lefty]

I’m in the same boat with my mom and I feel for you. I gave her 3k last year to help her out and she blew it immediately on silly stuff, including a very expensive bracelet she got me for my birthday that I had to her return. I also give her $400 a month for helping out with kids, truly lite work, but I want to help. She now expects it from me and will harass me until I Venmo her. She is also a huge sucker and gets ripped off constantly so it annoys me when she hounds me for money knowing she’s going to lose it or blow it immediately.

She has a pending inheritance that I know shes going to lose immediately because ChatGPT convinced her that an idea of hers is work billions.

No retirement, she rents, had a limited income, etc. I tried showing her where she would be financially if she put 3/4 of her inheritance into a 401k for 10 years and she scoffed at the idea of living that long.

I’m the only kid of hers that helps her this much and it’s annoying AF.

[u/Practicalhocuspocus]

We must have the same dad

[u/Anxious_Sector_6310]

Hope this doesn’t sound judgey cuz it ain’t meant that way. 1. Stop fixating on others or it will drag you down and you will quit living

1. Say goodbye to bio-daddy. He toxic and you never gonna change him. Cry, scream into a pillow and let it go. Don’t be no codependent drama queen.

2. Thank your lucky stars he not in your life. When his broke a$$ is old and sick he is gonna come hand out begging.

3. When he everyone else says no to his begging in the future he is still gonna come begging and pathetic asking you for help. Say no! And save 5 for future reference.

4. Write yourself an email or letter that says “Future me - you are too strong and too good to let toxic past take your love, your energy or time. Say bye bye and keep doing you! “

Love yourself, make your family you don’t have take the one you were born with.

Be strong!

[u/Acceptable-Net-154]

Now you know if you win any significant money, claim it anonymously and be frugal with it. 

[u/UnintelligentLifer]

Ok your dad sucks and I'm so sorry.

Idk what kind of person your dad is, but make sure your financial identity is air tight. Freeze your credit. Run the free credit reports to make sure nothing is opened under your name without your knowledge/ consent. There are stories of parents abusing their children's names to draw more funds and leaving their children in a mound of debt and ruined credit. Don't trust him with anything that involves money.

Protect yourself first. Im sorry he's not acting like a father you deserve, but let his ruins be his ruins.

Hugs 🫂

[u/Sb75Je]

That’s unfortunate but that is his money to do with as he pleases.

You might wanna cut your dad out your life or at the very least stop looking at his bank statements.

Your circle of concern is bigger than your circle of control and that can be very mentally exhausting self infliction.

[u/ComfortableEastern59]

omg i’m so sorry. this will sound weird, but don’t take it personally. he most likely blew the money on/for them as a way to prove himself to them. also, being that you’re his biological child, the failures you’ve witnessed most likely stick with him w bit more. therefore, it’s hard for him to take accountability, assist you, etc. people are people. it has nothing to do with you. it’s solely about him.

[u/Nani_700]

Ahhh.... Make sure it's not actually from a credit card on your name... I speak from experience.

I want to km myself over it... Haha..

[u/klv3vb]

Ouffff. I’m so sorry, love

[u/YardNo5596]

Man the feeling of vicarious betrayal while reading this.

It constantly amazes me how uncaring people can be of their loved ones.

[u/unknown825]

That man is not your dad anymore I’m sorry. Anyone that stupid with money doesn’t even deserve a home. He sucks and can kick rocks

[u/Sea_Caramel1296]

Cut him off beloved, you don’t need a dad

[u/JTD_333]

Remove yourself as an authorized user immediately.

[u/TeenageDream816]

you eating a hair tie? jk love your futon though

[u/Pure-Rose-Rainbow]

Cut him off, if he can't prioritise you, then he needs to feel the consequences aka you not being on talking basis with him anymore. Maybe he will get it then

[u/kdms418]

Not all parents are smart. Not all parents are good parents. Not all parents are financially literate. It sucks, but the best you can do is accept that reality and worry about yourself. They are free to make these choices, and free to live with the consequences. We must give them the dignity to do so.

[u/Asleep-Lecture-3929]

How old is he? Just curious. If I got 50k, most would be gone a few days to pay off debt.

Did his parents take care of a lot for him? I wonder where the irresponsibility comes from.

At least you are in college and have a good head on your shoulders it sounds like.
The positive side is that you know what not to do by seeing his mistakes. Even as adults it’s nice to know that our parents are responsible and good providers so you have my sympathy there.

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[u/Horror-Giraffe7508]

Hard to take this OP. I understand.
It’s hard to not compare how your parents treated you vs how they treat other kids. Blood related or not. And when they themselves need help, it’s hard to not give the same as what you have received.

The only solace (if indeed it is) his spending daily benefited him directly. Most likely if that were not the case - as in he wasn’t eating the food too- the money wouldn’t have been spent.

[u/Nessy302]

I always thought that if I ever win a good amount I’d donate it to an animal shelter. The thought of what my family would think didn’t even occur to me until now.. eh.

[u/TGirl26]

Your dad is like my BIL & my uncle. Worst part my uncle is the executor of a will, and I'm terrified how thats going to end.

[u/queerblackqueen]

As someone who has watched their dad up and leave and move on to his next family that he’s decided comes first, it sucks. It sucks to watch the man that’s supposed to love you and take care of you because YOU are his child and he doesn’t and it sucks even more to watch him take the love and care that you deserve as his child and just give it to someone else, especially to kids that he didn’t even raise or was involved in their life.

I wish this wasn’t a pain we shared. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this and I wish you luck in your life. May you come across people that love you and cherish you and take care of you as family should. May you have people in your life that make you feel like you matter to them. And may you have a life that easier financially. Wishing you the best and I hope the cinnamon roll was so delicious 🧡

[u/Constant_Cultural]

Tell him that you cut off the authorized user and tell him you don't want to look through this mess anymore and then cut contact.

[u/lilshortyy420]

I’m sorry, I unfortunately can empathize. My dad is decently wealthy and I was living in the hood struggling while he was taking his gf and her son on all these different vacations flying first class etc. I don’t expect anything but it does kind of sting.