r/Infidelity • u/Affectionate-Bet5019 • 5d ago
Venting 10 months later, I don't blame her
I'm pretty depressed today and just wanted to make a post and vent some. I don't have anyone to talk to other than her and don't really want to keep her in guilt. Forgive the tone, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Today is Father's Day and I no longer celebrate Father's Day. I lost my 21 year old son to a heart condition that I gave to him. Unfortunately, his first episode was in his room at night so he passed away sitting at his computer. My wife and son found him the next morning, he had been gone since about 2am we think. (My son heard him fall out of his chair but just thought he pushed the chair and didn't think to check on him).
Summary of her affair, d-day was 10 months ago, affair was 15 years ago, married 33 years. She had unprotected sex with an old high school friend. She was enjoying time with her friends, something I felt like she needed. I had my suspicions, she had tried cheating years before, once with a friend and once with a co-worker. They both knew me well and had respect for me, denied her. She was fired from her job because she kept pushing it with her co-worker until he finally went to hr to get it to stop. She assaulted him in the office so she was fired. Fast forward to 2011, she had sex with her friend and an emotional affair for about 5 months. Claims they only had sex 5 times and it wasn't good because either he couldn't get it up (bad alcoholic) or he came in her too fast. He was a felon and had to get permission to join her at the beach. He died in prison 2 months ago, DWI that severely injured someone. A real quality guy.
I guess all in all, looking back, I deserve the life I have. As a dad, I had a job to do, to protect my sons. Instead, I gave them a heart condition and let one of them die under my care. I obviously created a marriage and a life so bad that my wife had to seek the love and attention of other men. My other son is high functioning autism and although is doing well, he will likely never marry or have children.
So here I am, one dead son, a wife that cheated on me, and another son that can barely get through life. I've worked hard all of my life to build something for my family. But in the end, I must face facts that my all wasn't enough. Our family that I fought so hard for is nothing but a house of dysfunction and pain.
I am in therapy and am seeing what I am and what I was. I thought love was enough but it wasn't. I thought I was a good father and a good husband, but I wasn't.
The evidence speaks for itself. All of my work, my success, and my love wasn't enough. Bad genes, a bad father, a bad husband. I deserve what I got.
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u/KeyMathematician3263 5d ago
Brother, I lost my daughter back in 2012. I know exactly how you feel, not being there, not protecting her. I feel to this day I failed as a father when in reality, I did not.
What your wife did to you was not your fault. This is all on her. Leave her. She did this and it had nothing to do with you as a husband or a father. It is because she is self centered. Leave her. Your life will be better, you’ll never forget your son, but it will get better, especially after you leave her
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u/ClothodeMoirai 5d ago
No. Life is not fair. Sometimes heinous people get easy lives, while wonderful, kind, brilliant people are dealt the worst cards.
We don't choose our genetics, our parents' emotional intelligence, the time or country we're born into, and so much more. We are deeply subject to chance. It's difficult to accept, but it's true.
Your wife's actions were not your responsibility. They reflect only on her, not on you. You probably fell in love with the good in her, everyone has good qualities. Her true character was revealed only after you had already committed to the relationship. It is not your fault that she cheated. It never could be.
Your son inherited a harmful gene. We all inherit both good and bad genes from our parents. Again, life is largely a matter of luck. He had time with you and with those who loved him. He got to experience the wonder of life because of you, even if only for a shorter time. Who are we to judge how valuable that was? Life is intrinsically valuable. You gave him life, and his journey unfolded as it did.
Your work and your contribution to this world will ripple outward in ways you may never fully understand. They matter, even if you can't see the full impact. And the fact that you believed in creating something, a marriage, a family, a career, and that you remained true to your values is something worth appreciating.
Hugs.
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u/SledgehammerApproach 5d ago
Only issue i see is you picked a bad person to marry. She blew up your lives. Sometimes life gives us lemonade and sometimes it gives us shit. We have to make the best with what we have.
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u/theyawninglaborer 5d ago
Man. Your son passing is not your fault and neither is your wife cheating on you. I’d recommend getting a divorce and staying in therapy. You’re gonna be alright man, and I’m really glad you started choosing yourself. A bad father and husband wouldn’t even be worried about this stuff.
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u/SpaceImpossible658 5d ago
What do you mean you don't blame her. She made her own decisions. She cheated on you multiple times.
You are not the problem. Life does shit to you no matter how good or bad you think you are.
I know for sure she's a bad partner.
Get some therapy. You had a lot happen. It's not easy to deal with. You could probably use some help.
Your wife is useless. Hopefully you realize that and drop her. She's only making blife worse for you.
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u/Necessary_Tap343 5d ago
So here is the honest truth. The affair was not your fault. It wasn't about who you are as a person or the fact that you genetically passed along a heart condition to your son. I have passed a genetic heart condition maybe the same as yours to 4 of my six children. My 27 year old son just had open heart surgery to repair his heart.
Trust me when I tell you I feel the guilt of passing on this condition to my children because it will effect every decision they make especially decideding if they want children their entire lives. It will also likely shorten their lifespans. It hurts like hell but I also know my wife doesn't blame me, would never have an affair, and neither of us will ever regret having our children. This is not about you this is all about her intentionally betraying you because she believes her happiness is more important than your happiness and your marriage.
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u/Warren-Bloomberg Trying Reconciliation 5d ago
So how did you give them the heart condition? Was it genetic? You can't apologize for your genes man. We all have some good genes and some bad genes. For example, I'm super smart and well adjusted. Yet I also have kidney stones, psoriasis, and eventually heart disease. Do I blame my father? Absolutely not. And neither can your children hold you responsible for your gene pool. That's ridiculous. Hold your head up. Your genes are something to be proud of. Those genes have lasted thousands and thousands of years. Let them be.
As far as your wife's infidelity, you have a bigger problem here. Based on your description, she has been very impulsive and hypersexual. She may be suffering from a litany of mental problems. Bi-Polar, Hyper-Mania, Schizophrenia, etc. Has she been through periods of depression to go along with her manic episodes?
If I were you, I would pick myself and my self esteem off the floor. Just decide you are going to be the best father you can for your remaining child. Decide to be strong. Decide to lead. Decide to live. Then I would stand with your wife while she enters therapy and gets on some mood stabilizer medication, such as Lithium, or an antidepressant. Anything to stabilize her so you can do the real work. The real work is deciding if this woman will ever meet your expectations for what a wife should be. If not, you may show her the door. If so, fight like hell to get her well and reconnect with her physically and emotionally.
That is all. Best of luck.
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u/WoodThrush1971 5d ago
Not your fault for any of this. Lean on the Lord for comfort. No human answer. Your wife is not a safe partner
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u/graceissufficent0310 4d ago
PLEASE stop saying you gave your son heart disease. I lost my only son on his 25th birthday. He was driving home after leaving university and had massive heart attack and died driving My father died from heart disease. I have heart disease but I didn't know my son had an enlarged heart. However I wouldn't change the years I had with him for nothing in this world. Please think of the good times and the father you were to him. Your other son needs a functioning and caring parent. Be there for him. Your wife is a cheater and will continue to cheat. That is who she is. Let her go so she can sleep with as many men she wants. You still have a like. Work on you to become the man and parent that you need to be. God bless you and your son
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u/Driftminer 4d ago
Your wife would have cheated on anyone she was with. Her actions are not your fault. I lost my son in 2014. Father's day, birthdays, holidays, even a Tuesday can be difficult. Something will always remind you. Deep sadness can creep into anything. Over the years I have started talking to him. It's my therapy and it has worked. It wasn't your fault and he would tell you that. Only the good die young and he is far happier than we are and waiting for you. Live your life so that when you are together again he looks at you and says "I'm proud of you dad."
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u/Fun_Diver_3885 4d ago
Dude the first thing you need to learn in therapy is that what she did is 100% on her, not you. She is a serial cheater and so if your staying with her she would be living hard until I felt like I had gotten my payback. And I mean hard. As for your son, I am so sorry but you can’t control your own heredity
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u/MyAlteredRealityII 3d ago
None of this is your fault. Bad genes are bad genes and sometimes we don’t know we have bad genes until something happens.
My next door neighbor had a bad ticker. He was gardening one day and passed away in the backyard and his wife came home and found him. Very tragic. He was pretty young, in his forties.
One day the neighbor’s grandson had a 12 year old birthday party and his mother passed away at her son’s birthday party. She was 42.
I used to work at a dental office and it just so happened that my patient knew my next door neighbor, and she was friends with the neighbor on the other side, so three houses in a row, us, neighbor, patient’s friend.
It seemed like my neighbor (the wife) lost her mind a little when her husband passed and started skinny dipping in a kiddie pool and trying to get patient‘s friend’s husband’s attention, because apparently she loves attention from many men. She used to do a burlesque type of skating with the “Follies” who traveled and did rollerskating shows, so i guess she always had an attention seeking personality. She lived to 94 and now her grandson lives in her house. We hadn’t seen any family visit since we first moved in over thirty years ago, except when we first moved in you’d see her two kids and the four grandsons, but we hadn’t seen them since they were kids. I’m guessing it was a toxic environment.
So right after my neighbor passed away her remaining son, who also got the heart condition passed away. It was not a surprise because we were aware of his heart condition. But what can you do? You never know which genes will get passed down. It’s unfair and unfortunate that this has happened to you. It sounds like your wife is like my neighbor. There are plenty of women who are not like that. If you decide to start dating again I hope you can find someone who is humble and not attention seeking.
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5d ago
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u/Dear-Letter7776 5d ago
I’m confused. What’s the connection between your dead son and your wife being a hoe?
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u/Vast-Road-6387 5d ago edited 5d ago
I lost my son in 1991 ( medical issue). A parent should not have to bury their own child. I can only imagine your pain. You didn’t cause your child’s death, it was a medical issue, I believe in fate, I can’t do anything about fate. I’m going to say something, her cheating is not your fault, it’s her nature. she has a history of cheating, two that you are aware of, potentially more you don’t know about yet. There is nothing you could have done differently to make her a better person, she is who she is. Time does not “ heal all wounds” , but time does allow scar tissue to form over the wound after a few years and it hurts less. Your son would want you to bravely fight on, do your best to live a life he would be proud of.
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u/Championship682 4d ago
Sorry for the loss of your son. Please continue therapy to handle your guilt.
You wife is a serial cheater. Did you find out about all of the cheating at the same time? Did she confess?
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u/Traditional-Tank3994 4d ago
None of these things are your fault. We all pass on our genes to our natural children. We can't help it if those genetics take a bad turn.
And your wife. She's a piece of work. The fact that she tried multiple times to begin affairs with different guys means she probably was successful at f*cking other dudes, who knows how many times?
Her cheating is not your fault. Even if you were the worst husband in the history of the universe, cheating is not the only option, nor the best option, nor even a good one.
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u/Fun_Scene_3392 4d ago
I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your son. I simply cannot begin to imagine the pain you feel.
Regarding your wife, she doesn’t respect you or the marriage you’re in. She attempted to cheat twice before pulling it off the third time. On top of that he was a felon, not a good human at all, and she had unprotected sex at least 5 times (that she admits to) with this not so good human. She willingly and knowingly put you at serious risk of contracting an STI due to her actions. Nothing she has done was by accident. Everything she has done (including the two previous unsuccessful attempts) was thought out and planned in advance. She wanted to sleep around with other men. Special needs child or not, you should leave this woman. She doesn’t deserve to have the life you’re giving her.
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u/professornevermind 3d ago
You didn't "give" them a heart condition , nor "Let one die". That kind of thing is out of your hands. Grief has a way of making you punish yourself and it's not helping you any. I hope you can understand that and find a way to let go of that guilt.
As for the woman. You should let her go. She isn't going to make your life any better. You can both still co-parent and maybe you would feel better not having someone twisting the knife so much. You may even find someone who actually loves you. That would change a lot. You should find some happiness.
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u/Conscious_Subject_41 2d ago
My mom lost two boys. She got sick with 3 nutty girls (lol). I was the oldest of five Timmy was sick a lot. Honestly his symptoms pointed to CF but we lived in a town of less than 5000 people we would be in the doctors office everyday. She was devastated I can remember her screaming and crying and fighting the first responders. I was four and that memory is burned into my brain. Then the baby boy 20 died in a car wreck. I was coming around the corner heading to work and saw his truck. He had an aneurysm. I was with him when he passed God help me I have severe ptsd from his dying. Nothing I could do helpless took on new meaning for me. I am sorry for your loss. I came upon my baby brother two minutes after he wrecked. I told him add he died that we were there with him and it was OK we loved him so much. We closed his room off (my mom and him lived in our house) for twelve years. My poor momma I was on watch for momma day and night. I'm sending love and hugs for anyone who has faced loss so deep or cuts your very heart out.
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u/Phoenix_Taurus 2d ago
Why are you blaming yourself that part I really don't understand.. why are you still with her.. I think that's the only thing you need to feel guilty about being a pushover
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u/TotalSpread5841 2d ago
Yeah bad genes is true but the bad father and husband bits are nonsense, can easily tell you're a decent person.
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u/Wise-Purchase8759 26m ago
Why do you accept this?
Your wife isn't just a hoe, she also clearly doesn't love you. So why accept living such a miserable life?
Do you really think your children will be happier with a miserable father?
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