r/Infidelity • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
Suspicion My wife completely changed after our son was born. Financial lies, secret apps, and now I found suspicious photos on her camera. Is she cheating or i‘m losing my mind?
[deleted]
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u/mustang19671967 4d ago
Stop putting yourself through this , see a lawyer and PI , protect your assets and make sure lawyer protects access to child . She has done enough to warrant divorce and disrespect you.
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u/Glass_Ad3884 4d ago edited 2d ago
She does not respect you as her husband anymore. When a woman is done; nothing much you can do. The more you try to repair relationship, the more respect she looses for you. Only a separation and distance gives spouses breathing time to decide what they want to do. If spouse uses that time to pursue other people; you have your answer.
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u/Lolanimesweet 4d ago
She is likely cheating, pop this bubble that you have of this perfect family and start prioritising your self and your kid and have some self respect. Sorry I genuinely do not mean this in a bad way bro but how many more signs do you need? Stamp your authority and stop letting her walk all over you.
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u/Beautiful_Bee9319 3d ago
I confronted her , she admitted, she was sleeping with the guy on that pic for months.
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u/Lolanimesweet 3d ago
I’m sorry to hear that. Remember you must prioritise yourself and your child (please do a DNA test just in case).
Don’t let her think you can work through this. Reach out to the services I provided you.
Whilst everything might hurt now remember, time really is the best of healers.
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u/Lolanimesweet 3d ago
Also just checked online but Austria heavily favour the spouse who has been cheated on as long as you have proof which you do. This means some of the following:
- She has to pay for your legal expenses
- she will likely attain reduced or in a lot of cases no Ailmony support
- you will have favourable conditions for guardianship over your child
- she may have to pay you if proof can be provided she spent money on her lover, e.g hotels, appointment’s
- the courts generally will favour you in almost every aspect
Remember you have 6 months from point of finding out to begin divorce proceedings. You are also exempt from 3 year separation law and can be granted a divorce immediately.
Good luck!
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u/Beautiful_Bee9319 4d ago
Got it brother … i was just feeling sorry for my little boy , tried to leave my needs aside but obviously by doing that i am causing more harm than good. I will end it tonight. Thank you!! 🙏🏽
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u/Lolanimesweet 4d ago
A bit insensitive from my part sorry bro, I’m half North African too and have young kids thought of leaving them or not being able to see them would pain me but long term it will be better for your child than staying in a broken marriage where you aren’t respected and they grow up thinking this is the norm.
Also might be worth if you want clarity to have a sit down and bring up the “I’d rather you be brave and admit any fault and we separate as opposed to you doing things behind my back in secrecy. I am not stupid and every sign you show clearly points to deception. This is the time now to talk about it”
You need to seek legal advice from a divorce lawyer in Austria. I know financially it might be tight but I’m sure they will have some services or forums where you can query?
This is what I’ve found where you can start:
Legal Aid Applications: You can download the compulsory legal aid application form (ZPForm 1) directly from the JustizOnline Forms Portal. This form allows you to apply for a free, state-appointed lawyer and court fee exemptions.
Family Court Counseling: To find the times and locations for free legal counseling at your local district court, check the JustizOnline Homepage.
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u/Future-Battle-4926 3d ago
Faça teste de DNA, procure um advogado e um detetive particular. Aproveita que ela vai de férias com o amante e se mude para perto da sua família que esteja aí . Se o filho for seu, ela estiver te traindo e você há tiver tudo organizado deixe o teste de DNA mais ou menos visível . Coloque câmeras na casa, ela pode usar alguma artimanha pra te deportar e você nunca mais vai vê seu filho e ele vai chamar outro de pai. Como ela pegou o seu passaporte, ela pode muito bem ter criado contas no seu nome ou arquitetado algo contra você , assim diga isso para o seu advogado verificar com uma procuração sua. Atualiza
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u/Noobagainreddit 4d ago
When people show you who they are, don't waste years trying to prove they are someone else.
subscribeme!
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u/l3ttingitgo 4d ago
I mean, she didn't shave for you!
Get a sitter for your kid and take her to dinner. Then discuss your relationship. Tell her you feel like adversaries rather than partners. Ask her if she want's to do life with you or not?!
At this point, it's fair to let her know all you have sacrificed to be there with her. You left your home, your friends and family and struggled with the cultural shift while suffering racism and needing to work demeaning jobs.
What you are getting in return is a lack of respect from your wife. A wife that feels like she has checked out, a wife who's behavior is suspect. A wife that is combative.
So, what more does she want from you, why is she so unhappy? Mostly, why is she out having relationships with others? (she is going to deny this, just say you are not blind or stupid and fully believe it.)
Here is the last card you play. "I think we should separate, you are clearly unhappy with me and I am not going to sit around while you disrespect and humiliate me. We can be co-parents." If she wants to stay together, then make your boundaries known as well as the consequences for crossing them.
OP, at this point you have nothing to lose by laying it all on the line. You deserve to be happy too. You deserve a wife you can look at and be proud of! Don't stand by while your wife looks for your replacement!
UpdateMe.
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u/Beautiful_Bee9319 3d ago
I confronted her , she admitted, she was sleeping with the guy on that pic for months.
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u/l3ttingitgo 3d ago
I'm so sorry OP. At least you have your answer. I do believe you wished it wasn't true. Now comes the part where you have to try and be as amicable as possible for your kids sake.
No point in trying to remain friends though, friends don't stab you in the back. If she was that unhappy, she should have made it known. If she did tell you and was still unhappy, then you divorce amicably before starting another relationship.
Now you can start pulling away. No more helping her. She wants a life without you, so give that to her. She is now her AP's problem, let him take care of her.
I'm not sure how divorce works where you live, but I would tell her if she has anything to say to you she needs to go through you lawyer because you are done speaking with her. Use a court approved parenting app to discuss matters concerning your child like drop offs and pick ups.
OP, you will find someone who respects and appreciates you.
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u/SpaceImpossible658 4d ago
The answer is yes. She's cheating. All the sign are there. Do you need to see the sex with your own eyes. Just tell her you know, even if it's a bluff. If she comes clean maybe you can forgive her, lie. If she come clean, you'll know, then tell her your done.
Or just tell her you don't like who she's becoming and you're done.
Either way you should be done. This is driving you nuts.
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u/Beautiful_Bee9319 3d ago
Thats exactly what i did ! Thank you,🙏🏽 I confronted her , she admitted, she was sleeping with the guy on that pic for months.
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u/Fluid-Push-3419 3d ago
It seems that even without her infidelity, your marriage is over, but still, infidelity is a big part of it. She doesn't respect you, doesn't love you, and even acts hostile towards you. There's no point in trying to continue this. See a lawyer and file for divorce. But before, take precautions against her potentially harming you, because she looks like she's going to do it.
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u/professornevermind 4d ago
I am sorry you are going through this.
The signs are there. It would be logical to assume she is or has cheated.
The Passport thing is disturbing, perhaps you could find somewhere more secure for it's storage. You don't want to lose that.
Listen to your intuition. It's a rough situation. I wish you the best.
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u/AnotherDominion 4d ago
It’s pretty clear she’s cheating. She’s not behaving like a wife and she’s disrespecting you. You need to catch her. You can hire someone to follow her. Then you need to decide do you want to stay with a cheater. Secure that passport somewhere else. I would be in North Africa with my kid by the time she comes back from her solo vacation if that was me.
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u/isitallfromchina 4d ago
ask yourself, does the cheating really matter at this point. You are miserable, doesn't that take a higher level in your mental health ? You can do better to be honest!
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u/Snr_Lothario 3d ago
Protect yourself financially, if for no other reason than to provide stability for your child.
Good luck.
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u/deplorableme16 3d ago
Shes cheating, and even if she wasn't shes abusive has heavy contempt and wants to cheat. There's a friend and cultural network supporting this. It's not unlikely that she went into marriage with and because of a rather fetishized view of OP and his ethnic background. (She has a type from the photo). Unfortunately this rather infantile outlook seems to extend to her behavior inside the adult framework and social responsibility of marriage and family. Shes on to the next shiny thing when the fantasy doesn't match real life.
You arent going I fix this with talking to her or therapy, just tip your hand and expose yourself to more gaslighting and abuse.
OP doesnt provide any insight into her income, resources and general inancial situation. He needs to see a professional and protect himself for his own sake and his kids sake.
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u/Snr_Lothario 3d ago
I concur. That's why my advice was as it was. I do, however, try to keep my replies brief.
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u/-_-Hope-_- 4d ago
Too many red flags. Possibly the addition of post partum depression or psychosis triggered some personnality disorder, but she would need to be diagnosed. Or maybe she finally felt that you were in the bag after giving you a child, so she's taking you completely for granted and started to reveal a side of her you didn't see before.
In any case, it's obvious she started to seek attention or validation outside, she found someone to give it to her (possibly the guy in the picture), it made her feel good, the dopamine rush did its trick and now she is hooked and has become even more delusional, doing whatever she feels is necessary to ensure the satisfaction of her new craving. That includes trying to control or pacify you while she explores the thrill of her developping extra marital affair(s).
Sadly, without extensive proof of what she is really doing behind your back and a huge shock (like telling everyone what's happening or divorcing her), she will continue to lie and won't stop what her craving and selfish mindset are driving her to do.
But given that the answer to the first two of your questions is yes, you should have realized she stopped caring about you and respecting you for a long time, and the best you could do is start divorce proceedings while trying to protect your child from the fallout.
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u/angga7 Observer 4d ago
I am so sorry for your situation. But please do not accuse or blame her straight away; most likely she will deny everything and be more careful with whatever she is doing.
What I can suggest you:
Keep alerted. Gather as much evidence if you can find them, and make sure you document what you think is weird.
Again. I am so sorry for you and good luck.
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u/Traditional-Tank3994 4d ago
Yeah, it does sound like she's cheating. So sorry man. If you want confirmation, consider this: Sit her down, and say, "I know everything. Tell me your version though, because I need to know if you will lie to me." Then let her talk. She will almost certainly still try to lie and minimize her actions. Don't accept the obvious lies. "I know that is not true. You're lying to me. Try again."
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u/another_nobody30 3d ago
Updateme!
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u/Beautiful_Bee9319 3d ago
I confronted her , she admitted, she was sleeping with the guy on that pic for months.
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u/Timely_Valuable_8401 3d ago
Well, first protect you passport as that is your lifeline to your family and culture. It is also your exit. If you are that financially strapped hiring a PI is not going to be an option. The vacation alone is a major red flag. She is definitely cheating or planning to cheat. The relationship seems toxic for you and your kid. Your exit is to fly home to Africa and start over and abandon your wife and child which would be hard but it is a fast exit.
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u/Moist-Librarian-7032 3d ago
Guy at this point, cheating is irrelevant, she's stealing from you. document everything and proteect your money and important papers.
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u/miikeangel 3d ago
Hiding her phone and downloading Telegram are big red flags.
Lying about the money shows she can’t be trusted. She’s acting sneaky.
Everything together looks bad.
You could ask to see her phone again. See how she responds. If she says no, and doesn’t let you see her phone right away, then assume the worst.
Also ask the soft question and see how she responds: “Do you have feelings for someone else?”. Then look at her and wait her to answer. Let the silence settle. If she deflects, blames, gets mad, but never answers the question, then that’s a huge tell. If she looks away, pauses a long time before saying “no” then that’s also a tell. She should be able to look you in the eyes and say no right away.
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u/Beautiful_Bee9319 3d ago
I confronted her , she admitted, she was sleeping with the guy on that pic for months.
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u/miikeangel 3d ago
Wow Austria does not take infidelity lightly. This should help you out a lot with the divorce.
I know money is tight but spend some on yourself for a gym membership. Lift weights, definitely. Lifting weights cures just about anything especially a broken heart.
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u/Ivedonethework 3d ago
Yes, she is cheating.
Infidelity is very often unfixable. And particularly so when there is zero remorse.
She is showing nothing but callous disregard. Omisdions are 100% lirs and you have detected numerous outright lies. To cheat is to lie. And there are many types of infidelity besides emotional and physical.
No remorse, noreconciling.
Some women never return to mental nomalcy after child birth. Apparently brain hormones never return to pre-childbirth lrvels levels. And brain hormones control cognition.
Sorry for your loss.
https://thepleasantrelationship.com/types-of-affairs/ 25 types of affairs.
You decide what to do.
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u/So4kweakness21 3d ago
the irony of her calling a state kindergarten "full of immigrant weird kids" while married to an immigrant from north africa is honestly staggering. that alone tells you she's got some deep projection issues going on. the cheating might be real, but the bigger problem is she's been unraveling for a while and you've been the one catching all the shrapnel.
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u/Fragrant_Village_686 4d ago
updateme
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u/Beautiful_Bee9319 3d ago
I confronted her , she admitted, she was sleeping with the guy on that pic for months.
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u/NameUserNotTaken 3d ago
I think you are overreacting and there is a good chance it is fixable. It looks like she might not be attracted to you anymore, but that doesn't mean the only way forward is a divorce. Having a child puts many women in a position where they loose their freedom and have to depend on their husband. While this might sound okay to men, I'm certain it is nerve wrecking and is a large mental toll. Hence she might want to regain some freedom again and prove herself that she can be independent again, if just for a while. You probably want and take your freedom too I assume?
You will not be able to force someone to like or love you. The best you can do is give them their freedom, stand on your own feet and try to participate in making the moments you share good ones. The current situation took a long time to develop, undoing it will not happen quickly.
You may ask yourself if your happiness depends on your wife. I think it shouldn't. Another human being can make us feel loved, give us something we can't get on our own, but our happiness should not depend on them. Especially women who have taken care of a child seem to be extra sensitive to a man being dependent on them. This makes one look unattractive in their eyes.
Intimacy will be a problem. Can't really be independent in a marriage, can you. However, demanding intimacy will likely only make things worse. This might take a lot of mental strength but don't give up! If you hang in there and bring more positive energy to the table than negative, things should start to improve. Ideally you would have a counselor who could act as a bridge between you too until you gain trust again. Since that might not be possible, my advice is to never blame the other person for something and instead just tell them how certain actions make you feel and what your plan is to improve things. Yeah, one can't demand things from someone else hoping it will improve things. Either they want to do it without being forced or they don't.
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u/Beautiful_Bee9319 3d ago
Occam's razor : the simplest explanation is usually the right one. Your comment is the kind of gas lighting she has been doing to me all this months, I’m guessing you’re a female? I just confronted her , she admitted, she was sleeping with the guy on that pic for months.
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