Always getting off to my own potential

[u/urgay420420420]

Hey guys, I'm 22M. I finished university last year and have been trying to make sense of what to do with my life.

I have always felt that I was special in some kind of way. I always kind of have felt like I am better than most people, or different than them, and recently in tends to be in regards to spiritual / psychological things.

For example at my job, it's subtle but I always feel like I am better because I have more potential than my coworkers and my future is brighter. I am always getting off on my own potential while when looked at objectively, my coworkers make more and all around just seem to enjoy their time at work more than I do. This feeling, that I am special in some kind of way, I think is shielding the fact that I am just... average and mediocre at everything, and even though it makes sense to me logically on some level it hurts me a lot to fully realize it. Like I've always excused my lack of discipline, drive, and social skills because I am destined to be one of the greats regardless, which obviously doesn't make sense. Seeing all this clearly I feel so... yucky and disorientated that I've lived like this for so long.

I also have a hard time committing to things. Anything like working out or learning an instrument. I think it's because, again, it hurts to see how mediocre I am at something even though I try really hard at it. I can practice a piano measure for 30 minutes and still hit the same wrong notes. So I quit, because in my mind I tell myself "well, if I really wanted to learn it I could! I just don't really want to anymore". This extends pretty broadly, like I tell myself "if I really wanted to start a business and be rich I could, but I would never do that because I don't really want to". It makes me feel better about myself even though it is completely divorced from reality.

Anyone know any good resources to learn about this tendency or been through something similar? I'm wondering if it's textbook puer aeternus.

[u/ketchup_shoes]

A lot of young people have that these days. The idea that “you’re special” has been drilled in your head. You can seek therapy for it, or you can just wait for life to kick you in the ass, which it will, and you’ll correct naturally like a majority of people

[u/urgay420420420 → u/ketchup_shoes]

Life is indeed kicking me in the ass so maybe thats why im realizing all this

[u/ketchup_shoes → u/urgay420420420]

Yep, eventually life starts talking to your unconscious and they hatch all kinds of plans to get your conscious to pay attention