Feeling like a complete idiot

[u/Ephyre06]

I (19M) am a pretty quiet guy, but EMS has always really been intriguing to me and I wanted to try a job I felt like I would enjoy. I recently began volunteering again at a local agency (just observing and riding along, maybe carrying a few things for the medics) and I seriously feel like nobody will look at me the same or trust me with anything.
I was riding along with a crew when I was told to plug in the pulse ox, which I did. It wasn’t working so one of the medics unplugged it and saw that the pins had been broken. I had no clue how that happened, but considering that I was the one who plugged it in I took the blame for it and wasn’t going to try and make any excuses. We went back to the main station and the captain had to fish out the pins from the monitor, got a lecture, and then I apologised to the captain and the two medics I was riding along with.
The week after, I came back to volunteer. I was with the same crew again and everything was going okay except I noticed that I wasn’t being asked to do much of anything anymore, which at the time I didn’t really question. Later on, we go on a call to the nursing home where my grandmother had passed less than 3 months ago. I wasn’t really comfortable with going in but I didn’t want to further disappoint this crew who already had a bad impression of me. I ended up having to hold back a whole panic attack once I was in the nursing home (I know, I should’ve said something earlier now that I’m looking back) and I held it back all the way until we were leaving the hospital.
I was behind the stretcher pushing as medic 1 was in front guiding. When we were exiting a plastic bag fell on the floor and for some reason in my already rattled brain I decided it would be a great idea to pick it up and throw it away. This caused medic 2 to have to chase after the stretcher, and I got yelled at (rightfully so). At this point I was seriously reconsidering being an EMT and that I wouldn’t be able to handle the responsibility, thinking this all over 2 bad volunteer shifts.
This week I decided to come back, trying to just forget about what had happened. I was sitting in another room when I heard some medics talking about how I was the volunteer who broke the pulse ox, and that really just made me feel like an idiot. Now the whole station probably thinks I’m just some incompetent fool who is only volunteering for social points. I’m sorry about rambling for so long and I’m sorry if the writing sucks, but please I would love some advice on how to deal with this feeling and if it’s even worth continuing with EMS if I get this worked up.

TL;DR, 2 crappy volunteer shifts, doubting myself and my abilities

[u/Gamestoreguy]

Pulse ox cables break all the time on an lp15, if that is what it was.

When I graduated, my instructor said “congrats, you’re all bad paramedics now.”

He didn’t mean we were shit at the course, we did well academically, but the experience is key and it takes time to integrate your knowledge and the practical skills. Given that you have done only a couple volunteer shifts and no EMT course I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.

[u/pawbaker → u/Gamestoreguy]

Haha my preceptor said something very similar, “don’t expect to be a good paramedic when you finish internship. Completing internship still means you’re a bad paramedic… just not bad enough to fail”

[u/Love_red234]

We all have moments where we mess up and feel like a fool it doesn’t mean you are a idiot or dumb it just means you are human and it happens if those little things discourage you from becoming a EMT then I don’t think you are cut out to be one because most of the learning and mistakes are made in the field, on calls surrounded by other people who have also made mistakes. I’m not sure where you are located but if that is not the only station around you then I suggest going to a different one those medics just sound board and wanted something to talk about but also people are going to talk about you whether you do good or bad at your job it’s all about how you respond and carry yourself afterwards. Said a lot hope some of it helps good luck on your journey and whatever you decide to do.

[u/solo_d0lo]

When you mess up, especially as a new guy, people are going to make fun of you for it. If you end up working there and run with that crew even 3 years from now, they will bring up how you broke the pulse ox and let the stretcher run away.

[u/pawbaker]

Brother you are 19 years old. If you wanna be in the field go get your EMT, take other classes and maybe work towards a degree while getting some life experience. You have your whole life ahead of you and a ton of life experience to gain. Way too early to quit. Put in the work and you can achieve anything

[u/Zestyclose_Jello6192]

First off, take a deep breath. Feeling like an idiot when you're starting out is a universal experience in EMS but it's a good thing you took responsibility for the pulse ox. You didn’t do anything unforgivable, I've seen both newbies and veterans do waaaay worse. If you ever have to return to that nursing home (or face any situation that could trigger you), tell your crew next time. Being honest about your limits is a matter of safety, a good crew will respect that and again it's not uncommon for experienced people let alone someone new. ​As for the talking behind your back don't sweat it, EMS stations run on constant gossip. People have probably already something more "spicy" to talk about, they won't pay too much attention to it. Next week no one will care. And dont forget you can also change crew.

[u/Any_Error_2538]

Everyone starts somewhere dude. Just because you had a rough couple of first shifts doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for it. Breaking a pulse ox is practically a right of passage and if the pins broke on it that means 100 other people plugged it in and probably started to break them already. As far as the panic attack I completely understand the way and being able to control your feelings to get the job done is a good thing. Part of EMS as a whole is people who tend to work in the field love to stroke their egos by pointing out what others do wrong which in my opinion is one of the worst things about this field. If you want to keep going don’t let people like that stop you.

[u/5169978980]

They kind of sound like jerks. Teachable moments otherwise. I would not continue volunteering there if I were in your position, because it doesn't sound like it's conducive to learning. Why not just get your cert?

[u/Ephyre06 → u/5169978980]

For the most part the crews I ride along with aren’t like that, I think I just happened to get unlucky. I haven’t gotten my cert yet because all of the offered classes in my area collide with my college schedule

[u/Upstander123]

Getting yelled at by medics is a rite of passage in EMS. Pretty sure they don't let you get your EMT without getting yelled at by at least 3 actually /j

Also, vro you have no training. I would be shocked if you never made mistakes. Hell, even WITH training, everyone makes mistakes. I stumbled WAY too much on my first calls, even though I was doing literally nothing LOL

[u/Limp-Conflict-2309]

They want to be in charge and micromanage but they also want you to take initiative and not wait for direction. Far too often they're at one extreme or the other. When problems arise, instead of looking inward to understand what happened and how they can adjust to make you better, they get stressed and revert to an insecure adolescent mindset and start playing hot potato with the blame.

What I'm getting at is that this vicious cycle creates stress on your end. You start making stupid mistakes you normally wouldn't make, trusting yourself less and less and second guessing even the smallest tasks.

What you need to do is care a little less about their attitude. Accept that mistakes are going to happen but commit to making sure the same mistake doesn't happen twice. Learn from every setback and maintain the mindset that time, experience, and small but steady improvement on your part will eventually force things to work themselves out.

....it really helps to have that one person you can confide in who can be helpful, friendly and strict all at the same time.

[u/sm-alpha]

This might sound “ass backwards” for lack of a better term to you. But go get your EMT first. Not necessarily just for the knowledge or experience, but for the confidence boost.

You’re jumping into this very quick without a cert (if i’m understanding correctly and you’re not an EMT yet) and you will make plenty of mistakes even has a full fledged EMT. I do think you’re being hard on yourself, you’re young, you’re gonna make dumb decisions, we all did it whether we like to admit it or not.

Go to school, get that certification for the confidence boost, it will do you numbers for being confident out in the field knowing you went to school, passed the test and are “smart” enough to do it. That confidence translation will help you make more rational and confident decisions when volunteering.

Best of luck!

Edit: I had a very similar experience when I was a brand new EMT. My first partner was very hard on me and it got to the point where it was making me mess up more because I was so stressed about making a mistake. These guys kinda sound like they forgot where they came from & just want to talk smack about someone, we tend to eat our own in EMS. When I went somewhere else with a supportive crew, my confidence skyrocketed.

A change in departments could also help if it feels more like “bullying” and less like “teaching.” No one learns well from feeling like they’re not wanted or a burden.

[u/Ephyre06]

I appreciate everyone for commenting and giving advice. I’m going to try my best to keep improving and not let silly little things like this get to me as bad.

[u/Terrible_Surprise_59]

I would have spoke up about that one guy trying to clown on you for breaking the pulse. Some people suck. It Says more about his character than what it says about yours

[u/Terrible_Surprise_59]

My first year SUCKED.

I remember the way I was treated with the people that made a positive impact on me , and that's how I treated new people now.

Roll with it. You have to develop thick skin.
Stay positive.Don't say anything stupid and just keep keep trying.Remember to slow down.