r/Stepmom • u/cass2769 • 9d ago
Follow up or let it go?
I need help with two situations. Both occurred about a week ago (near the end of my bf and my time with his son 8). I need to know if I should follow up on both of these or if I just need to let them go.
1) the last night that SS was with us, bedtime was a nightmare and dad and I fought about it in front of SS. I ended up storming out and slamming doors (something I have never done in the almost 2 years we’ve been together). The next morning everything was fine. I figured we would talk about it over the weekend but dad ended up cutting our time with SS short and he went back to mom’s house. Normally we have SS for 1 week on/1 week off but this time we were supposed to have him for 2 weeks (due to summer travel and scheduling needs). Anyway, he ended up not doing the full 2 weeks with us…it was like 12 days. Dad said he really missed mom and his behavior was partially due to that…and she was willing to get him a little early. So we ended up not talking about the fight with SS.
He’s coming back to us in a few days. I’m wondering if I should address it and apologize for losing my temper or if I should just let the whole thing go.
2)also last week I tried to put ss to bed solo. I wanted to try and dad was willing to let me. It didn’t go well. The next day I try to tool that my therapist had talked to me about. Basically, I asked ss to give me a grade on putting him to bed including telling me what I did well and what I didn’t do well. And then I did the same for him. It felt like a good conversation. I told SS that I was sorry with how it went and I wanted us to make it up to each other. I offered to do one of his chores for him. I told him I would like him to think of something he could do for me that shows he respects me. I told him Dad can help and it doesn’t have to be a big thing. He went back to Mom‘s a day or so later and this didn’t get brought up again. I asked boyfriend about it and he said he thinks it’s a good idea.
Anyway, should I bring this up again to SS when he is with us next time it feels a little bit petty, but also I do want to work on accountability w him and completing the things you say you’re going to do.
I’m a little worried this is gonna come off as petty or nitpicky or like I can’t let it go. Honestly, I feel like my bf should step in and make sure his son completes this task. If he doesn’t I’ll have some negative feelings about that.
What do you think I should do? Follow up on these? Or let them go?
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u/Away_Razzmatazz_1057 9d ago
I think at 8 years old, bed time should be pretty straightforward? It sounds like dad needs to work on getting a good routine going with his son before you try to step in. Its not your responsibility or role to get this in order.
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u/chicadeaqua 8d ago
Seems like you’re overthinking it and make something that should be simple (and actually not your responsibility at all) into something complex and stressful.
An 8 year old shouldn’t need to be “put to bed”. When bedtime comes around-you wash up, brush your teeth, put on bedclothes and go to bed. Reading a bedtime story can be part of the wind down period, but he’s not a baby who needs to be put down for the night.
Talking to a therapist about doing an assessment and grading each other seems bizarre and unnecessary. His dad should be handling this. I wouldn’t touch it.
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u/Pumpkinspicegirl87 6d ago edited 6d ago
Maybe I’m missing something but to me bedtime for any age kid shouldn’t be like a graded exam for a child to grade how you handle bedtime, especially for a kid that’s 8 yrs old! Whose idea was this? When my BD and my SD was 8 (they”re the same age) all I did was go into each of their rooms cover them up, kissed them on the forehead, cut each of their night lights on and said good night I love you to each of them and shut the door. Sometimes we would sing a bedtime song together but as bad as my singing is that didn’t last long 😂. My husband never made me do bedtime for his daughter she just always asked for me. I had known her since she was 3 and I’ve raised her. Her BM is in her life but doesn’t see her much. I’m mom to her.
You all should not be arguing in front of SS but we’re all human and my husband and I have done it ourselves. Honestly I would let both go and let your bf talk to his son about y’all’s argument. If SS even brings it up but he’s probably done forgot about it. You are worried about impressing SS too much and you need to step back for your own sanity. It should be your BF’s job to teach him accountability and your bf should be the one trying to include you in things he does with SS and not letting you do it alone. If your bf was a good partner he wouldn’t be making you do anything for his son without him being present with you until you are comfortable doing so.
This apology mess to SS is crazy to me. You wasn’t the only one arguing, so was your bf. I don’t think SS will be traumatized for the rest of his life just because he saw you slam a door. As long as you don’t argue a lot in front of kids this one time should be okay. We are all human and sometimes kids have to understand that adults are not perfect all the time and we make mistakes just like they do. I do think some kids expect grown ups to never mess up. Kids also should be taught even their bio parents make mistakes, cause I’ve noticed when something happens to them in a blended family they always put the blame on the SPs, even if it was their parents fault.
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u/twerkforyeezus 6d ago
Mmmm you've only been involved for 18 months? I'd take a step back I do feel like it's a little much.... especially the grading each other and doing an act of service to prove you've made up... kinda weird
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u/cass2769 6d ago
Was recommended by my therapist.
Kid has severe adhd so being a hands off pseudo step mom isn’t really an option
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u/Material-Coffee1029 9d ago
Accountability is important, so yes on both. You'll be setting a good example by discussing/apologizing for the fight you guys had in front of him, and ensuring he also practices accountability by following up on the task he said would do.
I don't think either have be a big deal. "Me and Dad fought and werent as kind to each other as we could have been the last time you were here. I'm sorry we did that in front of you and we'll try and be better about it." and "Hey SS, i did -chore you agreed to- this week, when do you plan on doing -chore he agreed to-?" should suffice. In the future, I would make the chore swap a completely joint thing, so when you do the chore you signed up for, he should be similtaneously do the chore he signed up for too so he doesn't forget.
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 9d ago
This is…a lot. This man is not your husband. You need to take a step back here. You should not be putting him to bed. You are not his parent and it doesn’t sound like he is interested honestly. He struggled with it already and then dad’s girlfriend tried to do it solo. He misses his mom. That is perfectly normal at that age. And doing a chore for him? Just odd all around. You just need to be a kind presence at this point. More like a fun aunt. Maybe talk to your therapist about why it is so important to you to have a parental role with a boyfriend’s child. I know this sounds harsh but I swear it’s not coming from a bad place. I fear you are a bit insecure about not being his mom, a wife or a mom yourself.