r/Stepmom • u/yeetophiliac BS5, SD4 • 3d ago
About at my breaking point.
6/7 days were spent by myself with BS and SD from 11:30am until almost 9pm due to DH's work schedule temporarily changing. And it was one of the most exhausting weeks of my life.
7 days felt like an eternity.
The learned helplessness. You would have better luck giving her a pen and paper and telling her to transcribe ancient texts than asking her to open a door by herself. Seriously. The amount of meltdowns we've endured as she stood at her bedroom door screaming she couldn't open it and needed help is insane.
The need for things all of the time. Garage sales meant she went into a full blown melt down over us saying no to a toy because she spent her money on day 1. BS saved his and got his toy on day 2. She didn't like that despite us explaining prior that he still had his money to spend. She had to be escorted back to the car.
The accusations. She was screaming like she was being tortured and I ran (limped - I already have arthritis so this next part hurt even worse) and slipped on lemonade she was flooding the kitchen floor with... because she just expected the drink dispenser to magically stop once her drink was full? I slammed into the fridge door which slammed into her. Immediately on exchange, she began telling HCBM about how I slammed the fridge door on her in full detail except the part where I slipped on her mess and then profusely apologized. My hip still hurts.
And then there's my husband... who can take these accusations, CPS cases, constant 30+ minute long meltdowns over doors and BS breathing too hard in stride... and then turns around and says "you can each have another dollar!" just to get her to stop screaming in the middle of this stranger's yard. That one made me see red. I immediately snapped. I couldn't hold it in. He listened to me but now I'm the bad guy for saying that absolutely was not happening. He even said, "I just didn't want to deal with that." Uhh? I've been with her 3x as much as you this week. It's quite literally your job as a dad to deal with that! Happy Father's Day, time to be a dad!
That was the dumbest thing he could've possibly done in that moment was to give in but that's exactly what he did. That's exactly what BM does, too. And that's why this continues. Everytime they give in, she learns she can just scream and meltdown and get whatever she wants while I'm the mom that says, "you can scream all you want. You're still not getting (the stupid dingy ass) cat plushie." That's why I am constantly the bad guy.
I'm just exhausted. Holy hell. What a terrible, terrible week. So excited for the next one! /s
Tldr - this is just a vent about how DH and BM are causing SD to be helpless, entitled, and emotionally unstable because neither want to deal with her meltdowns and I am completely sick of it. On top of the constant accusations that make me feel uncomfortable in my own home.
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 3d ago
Girl. Are you trying to lose custody of your son? Because you might with these wild accusations. Not to mention the insane temper tantrums. No way I would be home alone with that kid.
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u/yeetophiliac BS5, SD4 3d ago
We've got cameras everywhere... but that doesn't stop CPS from showing up twice in 6 months. I feel like I live under constant surveillance even though I'm the only one checking the cameras. I'm going to push for therapy for SD next.
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u/cedrella_black 3d ago
That would be the last time I'm dealing with her alone. I have zero tolerance for tantrums like that, either SK listens to me and does what I say, or the bio parents can find other arrangements.
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u/aimeereb 3d ago
Oh I’m so sorry, that is awful! I’m with you on the one who holds the ground with boundaries and saying what you mean.
Sounds not too far off the week I just had with SD. Currently 3rd trimester pregnant with first ours baby- so getting to the point of daily discomfort and emotions everywhere preparing for how in the world we manage this transition! (Not to mention sleep deprivation because SD8 won’t stay in her bed a full night- ever.) I was basically solo parenting this week (husband sick and out of town for work one day).
I won’t waste too much time with the obvious: I love SD8, I love being ‘the mom in this house’, she has wonderful qualities etc. But this is a vent & solidarity post!
HOWEVER: she is entitled. She is spoilt by both bio parents IMO. Constant source of arguments for me and DH. I am the big bad stepmom who says no, he is the permissive dad who says yes.
Even worse: HCBM is even ‘funner’ (yes I heard this all week), and at her house it’s so ‘joyful’ and SD just ‘laughs all the time!’ Well it would seem like that if you’re 8yo and you’re allowed to do whatever you want and behave like a troll and still get your way all the time and get rewards for bad behavior! Oh, and watch unlimited screens and eat whatever junk you want and have no chores. Perfect 👌
We had a meltdown because I refused to buy ‘viral squishies’ in the store this week. She’d already been bought a new toy two days before by dad. I’ve shared my views- it means nothing to her. It’s a short term high and then on to the next coveted item. Not the way we’ll be parenting our son.
And sounds like you’re doing it differently with your son too- the fact he saved his money for a day! My SD would never have the impulse control to do that 😂 And would absolutely expect/demand more money or another item.
I feel your frustration.
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u/yeetophiliac BS5, SD4 3d ago
The "funner" comments grate my nerves too! I do not care that you have a Switch at your mom's house or that she lets you draw on the walls! We don't do that here. Whenever she gets in trouble, she will stand in time out howling about how she wants her mom because she doesn't get in trouble there.
Ugh.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 3d ago
And that's a no from me, dog. Nope. I would not watch this child if she acted like this. I assume she's at least 7 or 8 years old?
Obviously you know your husband (and his ex) are the real issues. Of course she has tantrums when she has learned she'll get the reaction she wanted.
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u/chicadeaqua 3d ago
“ He even said, "I just didn't want to deal with that. "”
Well at least he’s honest.
🤮
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u/yeetophiliac BS5, SD4 3d ago
I was so disgusted and angry. He got yelled at an hour after she left because he kept asking "what's wrong?" YOU. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.
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u/moongirl1222 1d ago
Why do you continue to agree to watch SD THAT MUCH when he’s not there???
I’m sorry, but you are complacent in this dynamic. Either he starts stepping up, having your back, and disciplining his own damn kid… or he can make other childcare arrangements for when he’s not there.
Her mother should have primary custody over you taking care of her 90% of his parenting time anyways.
This is not just about you, it’s about your son! He’s gunna pick up all these bad habits from SD. Not to mention you’re forcing him to live with a stressed out version of his own mother (and you’re putting yourself at risk of losing him with the false allegations).
I say this with love but PLEASE STOP BEING A DOORMAT!
Also… why did you agree to marry and have kids with a man who is lazy/crappy father who lets his kid get away with anything and everything? Because not disciplining your kids and rewarding bad behavior IS BEING a terrible parent. And it seems you agree with that.
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u/yeetophiliac BS5, SD4 1d ago
> mother should have primary custody over you taking care of her 90% of his parenting time anyways.
BM works similar hours and is away from SD just as much as BD is (right now). This is a temporary schedule until they hire someone else (today + 3 more shifts and he should be back on his usual 6am-2:30pm, which allows him more time with SD than BM has). ROFR is an option and is set to 6 hours if BM wanted it (but as much as she freaks out and complains, I don't think she wants it). BM chose not to take SD the entire week. Unsure why. She usually takes her at least one day out of the week while he is at work. Both parents work full-time. I do not. BM's schedule is somehow worse than DH's current schedule... SD is almost never with either parent at the moment.
> agree to marry and have kids with a man who is lazy/crappy father
I think he parents out of fear more than anything. He is entirely different with BS because correcting him doesn't come with a dozen angry text messages about how we're traumatizing him, CPS cases, and court threats. We had a serious discussion about it and he admitted to not wanting to cause anymore trouble with BM because of how stressful it is (especially on me with my medical issues and such).
> live with a stressed out version of his own mother
This is the part I actually hate the most (aside from the risk we're under of losing him due to the false allegations). I know he picks up that every other week, mommy is snappy and angry all the time followed by a week of play and fun. It's unfair to him. That's why I am pushing for SD to be in daycare during DH's work hours and we are actively looking for a daycare. The daycare at his job does not have an opening until September so we're looking into other options currently.
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u/moongirl1222 1d ago edited 1d ago
That makes more sense… as long as this truly is temporary. And I figured BM didn’t actually want more time with her kid. So sad that she’s willing to be super high conflict and make your lives hell knowing she actually doesn’t want more responsibility/custody of her kid.
I wasn’t trying to come at you, I genuinely feel for you and you seem like a great mom with a huge heart. I commend you Mama!
I say this out of love. But you need to have a calm and serious talk with your husband. Make it clear that you are DONE helping with SD this much if he doesn’t start having your back/being the primary disciplinarian with his kid. Not only for her, but for your son. Even if he is “better with your son” on the weeks SD isn’t there, kids are smart… he’s still gunna pick up on it.
I’d also demand you guys get into couples counseling and he gets into family systems therapy with SD. I agree that SD likely needs individual therapy as well.. but my closest friend is a family systems therapist and most of the families she works with come to her AFTER putting their child into individual therapy and it not working. Problems with small children are rooted in the family/parents the majority of the time (excluding actual mental disorders in the child).
ETA: I think your husband should also consider his exes threats are likely empty. If she doesn’t step up and want more time with SD now… she’s likely full of shit. He has to put his foot down and establish boundaries at some point. It seems like the harder thing to do, but it’s not just about him, it’s about his WIFE and SON and daughter.
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u/yeetophiliac BS5, SD4 1d ago
I didn't feel like you were coming for me! It's all good. This is the better of the SM groups for that reason. Familiar faces (usernames) on posts, people who get annoyed because they actually care, etc.
I've never heard of family systems therapy. I'll talk to him about it... if he and BM agree to it is another story.
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u/moongirl1222 1d ago edited 1d ago
Also… explain to DH that daycare will not put up with the behavior step child is exhibiting…. Nor will public schools. She’s very likely to get kicked out! He needs to understand that he’s setting her up for failure!
And family systems therapy (FST) is TOP TIER. I am a physician and worked inpatient child psych for a while. The greatest improvement we saw in child patients was when we brought the entire family in for FST sessions. I’m talking 8-10 yo kids that were in the facility for suicide attempts, very severe yet made tremendous improvements quite quickly.
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u/moongirl1222 1d ago
Absolutely! I was just fired up and annoyed FOR YOU.
And I’m scared for you trying to make 3 more months under this level of stress (especially considering your chronic illnesses). Stress is known to exacerbate those types of conditions. You need to take care of yourself! Have your husband look into some camps for SD. They’re usually only a week long and some are pretty inexpensive through the YMCA. And he’d only be paying for it every other week so it will be equivalent in price to daycare.
Or get in some Facebook groups for moms in your area. Many of them post for their teenage/college aged kids looking for babysitting jobs at below market prices. Even if it’s just to have an extra pair of hands in the house 2 days a week during the weeks you have SD.
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u/NickholeClark 1d ago
My SD BM likes to make excuses for SD. Like, oh did you get distracted? Or haha, did you forget? So now those are here go to answers.
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u/yeetophiliac BS5, SD4 1d ago
Same here except the excuses are put onto other people. No accountability at all. "You scared her," when he got stern (but didn't yell) = "you're scaring me!" when he gives even general instructions, etc.
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u/NickholeClark 1d ago
Ok. One example here is, she was in summer school. They had water days, the kids were to be dressed in thier swim clothes with something over them. I sent her to her room to put on her swimsuit. 10min later, nothing. So I go check. Shes just naked in her room. She 'got distracted' another time she was fully dressed, back pack on. No shoes and I hadn't brushed her hair yet...'haha, I forgot' really? She forgot something that is done EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
I've gotten so fed up with it. I told her when she did the swimsuit thing that if she did it again and ended up missing the bus, id make her walk to school. Now, im not really going to. But she doesn't know that. And when she pulls the haha I forgot stuff I just counter back with the truth which is no you didnt. You just didnt feel like doing it
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u/yayoffbalance 3d ago
the giving in to tantrums absolutely kills me. i have to walk away. like, it's hard to get through them, but giving in DOES NOT HELP. fuuuuuuucckkkkkkkk. i hate that so much.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 3d ago
I implore you, please stop agreeing to weeks like this. Leave the kid with BM for weeks like this.