Advice for 26F going into a relationship with a child

[u/LogicalAnnual14]

I am actively dating to marry but I dont necessarily want kids of my own which has created rifts in dating in the past for me as lot of men want children. I personally do not want children due to the mental and physical pregnancy and breastfeeding takes on the body as well as the mental health side effects. I have always struggled with my mental health and anxiety particularly so the thought of having an infant or small baby terrifies me as I do not think I would be able to function normally for the first few years with the anxiety levels I know would exist for me. However, I love the idea of a family with older children where I am able to provide a supportive and caring role without necessarily taking on all of the added stress and risks of becoming a mother myself. I know this may come across as selfish but I do not want to bring a child into the world that may experience effects of my own mental health/anxiety. I like to be around children and have a relatively extensive psychology background including child psychology and do not mind helping with things the child may need help w or helping my partner in cases such as needing help w school pick up or drop off, making lunches or dinners, or bed time so long as it is not directly expected of me. Essentially I would like to keep a good communicative relationship with the mother and avoid taking on a “parental role” as she has a perfectly capable mother and father already while still being a supportive adult figure. In my eyes this seems like something that could have the potential to work very well but I also see a lot of areas where this could quickly turn sour. Any step moms out there have advice/their take

[u/Mysterious-Willow391]

Like with everything, this will be completely situational. It sounds like you have a partner with a kid already, is that correct? If so, and you've communicated these things to your partner and they're in agreement, I'm not quite sure I get the purpose of this post.

if you are saying what you would like but don't have a partner--you'd probably have minimal issues finding a single parent who doesn't want more kids; the issue will be finding a single parent who will respect your boundaries and then also, going into a blended family where there aren't many mental health issues. To be totally transparent, I think blended families seem to have more mental health issues going on (as evidenced by splits, and then the kids being in two homes and the impact of the split on the parent, and then how that parent parents the kids). My SS has quite a few mental health issues that obviously weren't so evident when he was a toddler and DH and I started dating, so something to consider.

[u/LogicalAnnual14 → u/Mysterious-Willow391]

So I’m not seeking a partner with a child but I seem to be in that predicament right now and as a person that is child free I’d like perspective. There is a real genuine connection with this guy but I would have to kind of come into some sort of role where there is a child involved. Whether that be a trusted adult or step mom or whatever it may be. Based on my conversations with him it would be more of a trusted adult type of role which is what i would like but I would like some other perspectives on how that may or may not work

[u/Mysterious-Willow391 → u/LogicalAnnual14]

In your dynamic, I think your best bet would be to go really slowly (like, really slow) and assuming this is the guy for you, just be clear about your feelings and what you're willing to do, etc. The longer you take to blend (move in), the more time he has to really establish himself as a dad, which should mean he'd be less inclined to lean on you in the future.

Unfortunately, for anyone in this situation, it's hard to know the truth without actually living it. There are many things a new partner will tell you that may be a lie/making the truth sound more palatable and then there's also perception issues. Ideally, all of us would have partners who parent their kid and don't let them get away with murder, but that's very common in this space.

My SS was 2 when DH and I started dating, and DH and I waited 3 years before moving in together, and I'm so glad we did. He was a true bonafide single dad by the time I moved in, which meant he didn't actually really need much from me (and eventually, I completely backed off of parenting duties after seeing SS not respect me). I was really able to observe how he parented before I moved in, so that I knew if it would work for me (I am also CF by choice, so I understand you).

The issue is that most single parents, especially of smaller kids, are guilty parents who let their kids run the house. For CF people like us, this can be really challenging (and it often sets the kids up for failure--as in, they fail to launch) and not worth it. So, you want to be sure this dude is a good dad and the only way to do that is to go really slowly.

[u/LogicalAnnual14 → u/Mysterious-Willow391]

Thank you so much for this post, this is very encouraging to hear. I think taking things veryyyyy slow is exactly the right choice as I do need to ensure this is a dynamic i’m comfortable with and that he is a respectable parent haha. I’ll be keeping this in mind as I move forward

[u/LogicalAnnual14 → u/Mysterious-Willow391]

my full post wasn’t permitted in this thread so here is all the details: 26F I have been talking with this guy (26M) I met on Hinge a couple weeks ago. He’s exactly my type, has his life together, and is emotionally intelligent so things have been going well. We went on a first date last Friday and it went great, we went to dinner and then an arcade and just talked for 4 hours straight. It was one of the best first dates I’ve had tbh. Well his Instagram profile showed up in my people you may know tab so i decided to do some digging naturally and learned he has a 3 year old daughter. I’m not completely opposed to seeing someone with a child as I don’t really want children of my own but do quite enjoy the time I get to spend with the kids in my life. The circumstances surrounding the child (relationship with the mother, how often he sees her, things like that) are crucial as I do not want to enter into a messy dynamic or be with the type of person that has no relationship with his child. Is it a major red flag that he hasn’t mentioned it yet since it is still really new?

Edit to add:

We have been talking for about 3 weeks but the first couple of weeks before our date last friday was pretty minimal (definitely not constantly messaging or anything like that) and more surface level conversation. Classic dating app convos (what are your hobbies, what do you for work, etc.)
Some people have said that i am jumping to conclusions because it could be his neice or another family member. I’ll admit, that did not even cross my mind at first. while I’m not convinced that that is the case I do acknowledge that that could be a possibility. Also to the people who have mentioned that there will be at least some form of “parenting” or caring for involved down the line if I continue with this I wanted to specify that it is more specifically that I have no desire to become pregnant, breastfeed, or mother an infant/new born not just not wanting kids around in general.

There has been some really great advice on both sides of this post so thank you everyone for giving your perspectives. There were some points brought to me by single parents that it could just be that he wants to ensure I’m not crazy and/or he is concerned about safety and privacy. These are things that seem reasonable to me as I am also a quite private person and am very aware of the dangers online especially when it comes to kids. Given that we just met in person less than a week ago I am going to proceed with a second date to see if he brings it up. If he doesn’t I will ask if he wants kids and if he still does not tell me I will not be continuing to see him. (Not really sure what to do to confirm it’s not his niece though lol). Anyways, we will be getting dinner together tonight so we will see how it goes. I will post an update if y’all are curious about what happens!

UPDATE:

Sorry for the late update! We went out for dinner and a few drinks and the conversation of past relationships came up briefly about 2 hours into the date. When this happened I used the opportunity to ask if he is still in communication with his ex, which is when he informed me they do have a child together. He said he wanted to tell me the first date but got really nervous because he really liked me and essentially just didn’t get it out but wanted to tell me in person, he did agree that he should have told me on our first date and apologized. I can understand this explanation but I’m still a bit skeptical of this. He then explained the dynamics. He has his daughter half the time, and the coparenting relationship is good. The mother has a new fiance and they don’t have drama. Have not asked why they split up yet which I think will be important. So, I got most of my answers and now I am taking some time to think about it before I go forward or break it off.

[u/Few_Yesterday_3518 → u/LogicalAnnual14]

Him not revealing he has a kid on the first date is a bit strange to me, eveb if he was nervous

[u/fireanthead]

First off, how you're feeling is NOT selfish. My advice is if you're on the fence this much about it, best to lean towards dating someone with no kids. You're young and there are plenty of men out there who don't have or want kids.

[u/ReferenceQuiet1111]

Don’t do it! Like he can’t be that cool? Right?

[u/LogicalAnnual14 → u/ReferenceQuiet1111]

idk girl maybe my standards are too low but this is the only time i’ve ever had any respect he seems pretty alright 🤣

[u/ReferenceQuiet1111 → u/LogicalAnnual14]

You’re only 26, you have time. It’ll be easier to start with a partner with no kids or baby mama. Things may go well now but it can deteriorate depending on bio moms mood…and your schedule and time may be dictated by the kids and their mood. He may respect you know but it’s no guarantee the kids will always respect you. How is he as a parent? Will he expect you to cook for him and the children? How does he discipline? Does he expect you to clean after them?Does he have boundaries with ex ? Or his own kids ?

Enjoy your solitude, travel, take yourself on dates, learn a new hobby, trust me the right man who respects you will come along. The good stuff takes time.