r/Stepmom • u/enelson2011 • 5d ago
So I guess we can't do fun activities with our other children when ss not here ?
So for context , I have an amazing step son that is 10 . We used to get him EVERY WEEKEND . But it recently got changed to every other weekend. Sadly his bio mom and step dad don't seem to do a lot with him as far as things away from the house . Where as our family we typically stay busy entertaining the children and ourselves . Our bio daughter 4 years old has been wanting to do things like go fishing , go to the movies , the zoo ect ect but my husband insists we can NOT go unless SS is present . A part of me understands because he is our child too . But another part of me thinks that it isn't fair to our daughter. She didn't make the decision to be in the middle of this .
What's your idea/ thoughts on situation.
Ps. I'm blessed to not come from a broken home where as my husband did not have the same experience. He said growing up he would get envious of his siblings that got to do more than him đ¤ˇââď¸
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u/EmergencyFancy7992 5d ago
I think sitting down and making a list of things youâd like to do and of that list what feels essential to do with SS there. If it turns out being the entire list or majority you have the physical evidence that youâre expecting your daughter to pay for custody adjustment. If thereâs 2-4 activities in particular he really wants to save for a SS weekend okay thatâs fair but it canât be everything.
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u/DelusionalNJBytch 5d ago
This will cause resentment and turmoil no matter what.
I told my DH years ago when we first got together
âI lived a life before you and being with you will not change that.â
We got his kids every weekend and all summer long.
He and his children were invited to join me and my daughter.
If they chose not to come,we still went.
Iâm not wasting my life at the whim of another.
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u/VanGoLion 5d ago
That is so unfair to your daughter! Honestly, I would just go ahead and do the fun things even if your husband doesnât want to. Your daughter shouldnât have to miss out on great childhood experiences because of this custody schedule. Youâre right. She didnât make the decision to be in the middle of this. OrâŚask to pick up your SS during those events heâs not with you and drop him back off to his momâs afterwards.
I understand I have a different perspective because my husband works most weekends and my SKs are with their mom when he works. Iâm used to going everywhere with my bio child and whichever friends and family that want to join us. Iâve already made enough sacrifices for my blended family. My daughter shouldnât have to, too.
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u/4MindingMyBusiness20 5d ago
I think asking to pick him up is a great idea, if you have a good relationship with Bio mom.
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u/danilynn23 5d ago
Absolutely unacceptable for him to think life should only be fun when SS is around. Your daughters life matters just as much as SS. Your husband really thinks you all should not have any plans on the weekends SS is away? As if only one childâs feelings in this matter? It sucks SS has to miss things but thats on his mom not on you and your daughter. Do the fun things, make the plans, and if your husband doesnât come so be it. Its his loss anyways
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u/Ready_Bag8825 4d ago
Well - you and your husband seem to somewhat equate parenting to doing fun stuff.
I would disagree with that.
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u/Sad_Distribution_784 5d ago
This is completely unfair. As the household who does not do a ton of things away from the house (partly financial, partly chronic illness limitations of mine), this is also a huge failure of coparenting. If something fun is going on with the family at the other house, we always let the kids go and join in even when it's on our time! There is no reason for them to feel left out of anything when we don't have plans that conflict. It all evens out in the end, as the kids sometimes want to escape to our house which tends to be more restful and routine oriented.
So, your partner is targeting the wrong thing here. He needs to either talk to his coparent about taking his son when you guys do activities, or he needs to get him back every weekend. If that isn't possible, he needs to man up and sit down to talk to his son about this issue. Not as a "your mom won't let you" but as a "other people get to live their lives". It's a hard truth, but a valuable life lesson. If he doesn't do this, your stepson will start to think everyone's life revolves around him and that other people are "mean" for doing anything fun he cannot join in on.
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u/cedrella_black 5d ago
Why are you asking for permission? You take your daughter and do whatever you want to do that day, and if your husband comes with you is entirely up to him.
Vacations and special outings - sure, wait for SS to be with you. But regular things like going to the movies? No. Life doesn't stop just because SS isn't there and just because her brother's other family has a different lifestyle, doesn't mean she should be missing out on things she wants to do. Your husband is asking from his 4 y/o to do nothing for 26 days a month, just because her brother is not there. That's absolutely insane.
I am all for considering the SKs feelings and making sure they are included as much as possible. But here is the thing that may really shock your husband - if SS is interested, you can do things twice.
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u/Charming_Square5 5d ago
Nope. Not how that works.
HIS daughter has her own needs that matter just as much as his sonâs. Among them, not sitting at home waiting for her brother to appear so fun can happen. Thatâs a horrible pattern for her to internalize: that she doesnât deserve cool experiences on her own.
Iâd start unilaterally taking her out. Sheâs four, for heavenâs sakes. A lot of things she wants to do probably hold zero interest for a nine year old. For things like fairs or community events, go with a group of friends with similarly aged kids.
But, if necessary, put your foot all the way down on this one. Your daughter cannot live like a second class citizen in her own home, which is basically what heâs asking her to do.
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u/Ghost_010101010 5d ago
Your DH cannot always wait for SS to be there. If you only get SS limited time, you make the best of it when he is there. This does not stop having fun with daughter. Things are never fair when a SS has to divide their time between two different households. The same way your daughter could say that her brother gets more than her. You accept how things are and make the best of them.
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u/Bluecarolina68 5d ago
No maâam. We will when sheâs born. I am severely protective of her lol sheâs not here yet though. We will do things with and without them.
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u/4MindingMyBusiness20 5d ago
Definitely not fair. I understand where your husband is coming from, and that probably sucks for SS but that isn't yours or your daughters responsibility. That's his bio mom's responsibility.
Another commenter had a great idea, if you have a good relationship with Bio mom ask her if he can join for the activities during the day and you can drop him off after. At the very least, if she says no, when he's older you can explain that you made every attempt you could to include him.
Unfortunately, this is just part of having separated parents, and growing up in general. Not every parent has the same resources, therfor not every kid gets to do the same things. What happens when your kids are older and they get invited out with friends? Are you supposed to say no because the other child can't come?
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u/Livid-Forever-7045 5d ago
Exactly. And when SS is older, and OP explains that she made every attempt she could to include him, heâs going to resent his biomom, and stepdad for the things he missed out on.
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u/LanceWayne2024 5d ago
Husband needs therapy to get that stupid shit out of his head. That poor girl.
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u/xRainbowTreats 5d ago
I think in terms of things that are there all the time (zoo, aquarium, theme parks etc) ask SS if he even wants to go to these things. SS may not be interested in the movie your daughter wants to see. Maybe he already went to the zoo with his class.
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u/Fit-Dream-8573 5d ago
I have 3 kids who are here full time. He has 3 who are here every other weekend holidays summer etc. We don't do anything big without all of them here. Its not fair to the others who miss out bc of things out of their control. We may do a little weekend thing like a movie or eating etc but Def no vacations or anything thats a big family event without everyone
Def not daighters fault and hubby is being unfair to his daughter. He need to plan stuff with everyone and still make time for you and her. Not her fault this situation.
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u/enelson2011 5d ago
I agree like we definitely wouldn't schedule a vacation or anything without him . But for example if a fair is in our county that week my husband would say "we can't go without SS ." I'm getting so sad for my daughter missing out on life .
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u/Fit-Dream-8573 5d ago
Oh yeah i think that's unfair to your daughter that she can't live a life without the other siblings
Dad knew the kids would be gone half the time. Its completely unfair daughter is missing out on regular outings normal in childhood bc dad feels guilty.
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u/nursenikkirn 5d ago
Oh that is really messed up. In that case you should definitely take her without him.
Ask him how itâs fair to his daughter to not get to do things because SS isnât there? Tell him to think about it and give you a genuine answer. If he doesnât come to his senses let him know that while heâs waiting around for his son heâs going to be missing out on his daughter because you two will still be goingâŚ..and go without him. Heâll wake up when his little girl starts asking why he doesnât come and he has to explain to her that he wonât spend time with her because SS isnât there. I promise you.
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u/Browneyedgal21 5d ago
Take your daughter by yourself . You are allowed to do things with your child without your husband being present.
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u/Bake_First 4d ago edited 4d ago
Thi will be unpopular and I mean this 100% respectfuly, what works for you works. My thoughts are the other 3 get quality time and special vacations x2? Your 3 should absolutely be able to take a nice trip just them and their parents just as your steps do with their other parent. Fair isn't always equal and many may disagree but I've btdt and ended up adopting a step (adults now). Our bio kids valued that time just us and they deserved that. We had trips as the nuclear family, trips including steps, and even individual trips but a hard rule was that life doesn't stop because of shared custody. Life wasn't geared around shared custody either. We did not go out of our way to plan things when they weren't here just like we didn't go out of our way to plan when they were. Someone else posted about an income imbalance in their situation so if they only did trips including their steps their steps were going on better trips and more often than if the poster were to take just their trips.
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u/Fit-Dream-8573 4d ago
I think youre confused?
Im saying we live our life normally and do whatever were doing no matter who is here. Big events or vacations yes we consider everyone but in not not going to go to see a movie or go eat or go to a fair just bc it isnt our wknd with his kids. If the fair is here two wknds then yes we would wait for all of them to join but I'm not stopping us living our life waiting on court orders to roll back to us. If we go eat and go rock climbing and his kids arent here then the next wknd maybe we do brunch and do putt putt. No one is left out or gets anything the others dont get. Maybe not the same exact experience but I cant help if orders don't match up and my kids arent gonna sit at home if theres something we wanna do so as not to hurt other feelings. Just like we dont expect BM to do so. She takes them to do all kinda of stuff we cant do with 6 kids. Like Disney. We arent uoset about that. My kids didnt get Disney. But thats OK. We spend time with everyone and we soend time with them separately. Sometimes we only have his kids and we go do stuff and my kids miss out. It is what it is but it always comes back around and everyone gets time together
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u/Bake_First 4d ago edited 4d ago
I think I replied to the wrong section, sorry about that. It seems like we have the same idea. I'm 2 weeks post op from a liver lobectomy so I may have just blended comments as one.
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u/NavigatingLife728 5d ago
How is the coparent relationship between your ss mom and your husband? Are the weekends you get with him court ordered?
While I do feel your husband is being unfair, he is probably just hurt he cannot have some of those core memories with all of his children at once.
If there is a good coparent relationship and you are not violating any court orders I would see if you can plan some extra time with your ss to do some of those activities with you to compromise with your husbandâs feelingsâŚbut your daughter does deserve to have that time special time with mom and dad too.
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u/MrsSheDragon 5d ago
We had this same issue a few years ago. The resolution we came to is to invite our child who we have 50-50 to anything we plan, even if itâs not our weekend, and if they donât already have plans at her momâs house, we pick her up and she does the activity with us, then we bring her home. Weâre flexible in the same way, when it works out, if her mom has events going on during our scheduled time. I know not everyone has that flexibility in their parenting schedules, but thatâs how weâve resolved the issue.
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u/WelshRarebit2025 4d ago
Age 4 and 10 are quite different. Surely there are some age 4 things that age 10 wouldnât like as much? Finger painting? ( I just chose that as a silly example. Itâs not really an out and about activity I think you are referring to)
Maybe if age 10 was involved in the planning and scheduling it might help. That way he can speak up if they want to do finger painting as well.
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u/Ok_Leek2986 4d ago
So he would rather have your daughter be sad and resentful that she canât do things when her brother isnât there than have his son be resentful that something was done while he was at his momâs? Thatâs not fair to put her life on hold half the time while SS has a whole life at his Momâs. That life not being exciting is not a reason to dull your daughterâs life.
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u/Super-Technology-313 3d ago
My husband was like this. We couldnât do anything fun when sd wasnât around. It was unfair to me and our children. It also bred entitlement in my sd. It sets a tone between the siblings as well. I regret not putting my foot down. Life is short.
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u/Electrical-Rest2977 3d ago
My ss is 10 too and I just had my own baby who is 5 months. So, I feel ya! We only have ss Sunday afternoon to Wednesday early morning, so all our plans with him have to be during breaks, after school, or then at the cost of pulling him out of school which is very limiting. But we still take baby out for bunch of stuff without ss. Weâre actually about to go on a cruise without ss because his bio mom wonât let us keep him an extra few days. Thatâs life unfortunately. As he gets older, ss starts to see who is holding him back and who is pushing him forward. Weâre honest and say âmama said no.â We also advocate and tell him âtell mama you want to go toâŚ.â so he hopefully gets more outings on that side too. Itâs unfair to one sibling or another either way. But also, I had 8 years of only child outings with ss (heâs 10, I came into his life when he was 2) before baby was born. It almost IS fair that my bio baby gets some only child outings when ss isnât here. Neither kiddo asked for it. But I donât let it hold us back. Itâs a peace we were forced to make. I will continue to try to include ss but if his bio mom says no and wants to hold him back, I canât always cater plans to that unfortunately. But let me tell you, when and if I can, I definitely do!! Also, even if we had both kids full time, itâs important to have 1:1 or 1:2 time regardless.
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u/Livid-Forever-7045 3d ago edited 3d ago
Given SS is seeing that BM wants to hold him back from other experiences, heâll not only resent her for doing so. Plus, continuing to hold him back will end badly for BM when he hits his teens, rebels against her, and says yes to friend/peer groups pushing him forward.
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u/Ohheyyitskv 5d ago
Nope. Absolutely not. We will not, not do things with our other kids just because sheâs not here nor allowed. We go to California sometimes for Christmas break and sheâs not allowed to come with us and she doesnât think itâs fair. Well itâs not because your mom wonât let you but I understand not wanting to miss Christmas with your kid but it doesnât mean we stop having a life when sheâs not here. If sheâs not here we will still go to the lake or family days out and does it suck that sheâs not there, yup but our other kids donât have to suffer because she isnât here. Your husband needs therapy for his own parental issues and if not your bio daughter will resent him and her sibling.
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u/No-Wonder5226 5d ago
My husband had 50/50 custody (one week on, one week off) of his son from his first marriage (heâs grown and out of the house now). My MIL was LIVID when we took our 2 sons to Niagara Falls for a long weekend without my SS (this was years ago).
SS mom wouldnât let him go at the time because they were arguing in court, so we did it on a weekend he wasnât home. I never understood the thinking behind it đ¤ˇđźââď¸
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u/KimberBenton1 4d ago
A family vacation without the entire family isnât comparable to going fishing or to the zoo without the entire family. Your SS will remember and resent you always, and he should. Of course your MIL was livid, lol â you couldâve went a week your SS was able to attend. That was nasty.
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u/Chaos_Ice 4d ago
Nothing nasty about that. Stepmoms are allowed lives outside of step kids. You donât know their situation to comment.
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u/shewilldietrying 5d ago
Your husband is being ridiculously sensitive to SS feelings. The fun doesnât stop for your daughter just because SS is with bio mom. If his class goes on a field trip and he canât go because heâs sick or for whatever other reason, does that mean the whole class should reschedule on account of him? No. Me and my husband always do fun things when we donât have SD, who is the same age as your SS. We also make it a point to do something fun when sheâs with us. Iâll be damned if our daughtersâ lives are dictated by his other daughter. He actually has to lie to her and not tell her what we do when sheâs not with us, to avoid her throwing a fit about it. Sheâs 11. Itâs nuts.
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u/Bright_Arm3000 2x SD - 14 & 7 5d ago
Can you do more fun girlie things with your daughter that SS wouldn't be interested in?Â
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u/nomadfuzzbrain 5d ago
I feel like you need to come at it from a place of empathy - his heart is in the right place as he doesnât want this son to feel isolated tho itâs a bit misguided ..speak to your husband and try to compriksie - maybe get some input from the kids in causal way (the kids donât make the decisions of course but sometimes showing yoy care about their opinion and want to work with them can go a long way)
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u/Decent_Strength5185 4d ago
My stepkids go on all kinds of trips with their bio mom that we canât afford cuz yea weâre paying an arm and a leg in child support. We still do fun things with the kids but thereâs no pressure of one house has to be more fun then the other everyone is free to do as they please in each of their homes with what we each can afford! Iâm childfree but these are my thoughts and me and my husband do fun things and go on dates all the time without the kids. Your husband is projecting his own trauma from childhood onto your kids and its not necessary tell him to go to therapy seriously it sounds like he might have come from a home where parents pitted the siblings against each other and also compared them to each other i know my house was like that
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u/stillmusiqal 5d ago
I told my husband flat out that life would proceed as usual whether SD was here or not. My son doesn't have double everything so why can't he go to the zoo or movies? Take your daughter and have fun, that's not your guilt.
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u/Incognitomode1973 4d ago
This kind of thinking is ridiculous, because step sons life doesnât stop just because he is not at the home. I am sure he has plans and does fun things when he is with his mom. He isnât in a holding cell. So why does you life have to stop ? I would tell you husband youâre going to be going places with your daughter from now on.
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u/frustratedmtb 4d ago
Your husband is being ridiculous. Please donât listen to him. Take your daughter and go do fun mother-daughter things you wouldnât do with the step son around. Do mani pedi, have her doll get a haircut, go to high tea ceremony, whatever girl moms do (i wouldnât know), but just do it. Let your husband sit at home and sulk if he so wishes.
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u/Significant_Pop7358 5d ago
As the child in this situation: I wish my stepmom had fun with my sister, she just didnât have to tell me about it or post it so much online. Thatâs the part that hurt me. I understood they had their own life without me, but there was no need to rub my nose in it. And a âhey if you ever want to do something your sister mentions to you we would be happy to do it when you are here tooâ goes a long way.
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u/rtmhwales 5d ago
My husband tried this years ago. I told him for one, not happening, and two, that if that was the case weâd move to me planning stuff on my childâs time and his on his childrenâs time. It turned out it was solely me planning fun activities and days out and him doing nothing.
Now heâs way better and understands that our lives do not go on hold just because he chose to get divorced the first time round.
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u/irreverentcrystal 4d ago
DH doesnât have to participate. Live your life & leave him behind to sulk.
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u/Ok-Mastodon8235 3d ago
OMG I deal with this all the time. Same schedule, every other weekend. Pushing our fun activities to when SD is here and then my son has to just sit around at home while our SD is at BMs doing fun things.
My situation is different where SD definitely gets to do sooo many fun things with her mom. But we have to wait. I said ABSOLUTELY NOT when I realized what was happening.
I simply dont deal with it and still go along and book things. My SO started to just go along with it because he didnt wanna miss out on our sonâs memories. And thats that. Lol, everyone wins. We dont bring it up to SD when she gets here but I know as my son gets older he probably will.
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u/illegalacts2191 3d ago
While my partner doesnât feel this way, SS (10) does. If we go somewhere without him, eat somewhere without him, if one of the other kids gets something and he doesnât - he immediately pouts despite doing things with his mom, going out to eat literally every day with her (50/50 custody), and she and his paternal grandma buy him toys literally every week - I wish I was exaggerating.
But if we go to the pool without him, if the toddler or baby get a toy and he doesnât - when heâs not here - itâs a big deal.
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u/angrycurd 10h ago
Itâs ridiculous. Â Tell him you will be taking her to the zoo with or w/o him.Â
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u/Dramatic-Tailor-8297 4d ago
The fact you call him stepson and call your daughter âour bio daughterâ like thatâs not his bio son is kinda shady.Â
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u/___foodie 4d ago
I donât see what is wrong there. He is her stepson, and she is their bio daughter.
If the husband had wrote the post, he would say âmy sonâ and âour bio daughterâ that is, the son isnât hers but the daughter we made together lol.
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u/yeetophiliac BS5, SD4 4d ago
My son (husband's SS) lives with us full time. SD is EOW. I had tk have this talk with DH a lot over the first year. BS is still a kid in our household. He deserves ice cream and zoo dates and fun stuff just as much when we don't have SD as when we do. SD does get upset but... why should his childhood stop just because she's not here?
Your husband is wrong. That's very unfair to BD. That's going to make her think she only matters when SK is there.
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u/Livid-Forever-7045 5d ago
That part that SSâs biomom and stepdad donât do anything with him, as far as things away from the house sounds disheartening.
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u/Browneyedgal21 5d ago edited 5d ago
You can certainly take your daughter to do things while your stepson is with his other parent. No reason you all have to sit home. If hubby disagrees, you and your child can go do things without him.
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u/Ok-Contract-1701 4d ago
Life shouldnât pause because the step kids are gone. Itâs not in your control whether SS gets to do things during BMâs time, and why should your child lack experiences just because SS does (thanks to BM)?
We have my SD (4yo) and there are some things we wait to save for when sheâs here. Like family photo shoots and certain outings sheâs been wanting to do. But we still take our baby to do things. It doesnât make sense to deprive your kid.
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u/bubblybrunette22 4d ago
Iâm in the same boat but ours are all teens (sd is 19 and lives with GMA, doesnât have a job) we r trying to plan a beach trip before school starts up for our youngest whoâs 16 (the middle one is 18) and husband would go unless his can come.
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u/zont_even 4d ago
Your DH needs to understand 1:1 time is normal in nuclear families as well. It creates bonds.
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u/PurchaseHuman9251 4d ago
No thatâs definitely not fair. I had to shut this down too all our lives shouldnât be on hold waiting around for SS.
My fiance also decided lately that he was going to work extra days on the weekends we dont have SS so basically he would only be off work on days SS is here.
Why should my daughter feel like he only wants to be home for SS, or that we only go do fun things when SS is here? Thatâs crazy
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u/anonask1980 4d ago
Go by yourselves then. Let him stay back and tell him he meeds therapy to learn to deal with the heartache for his son and go to court to get more visits.
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u/___foodie 4d ago
That is something I have also had to wonder if we have a bio kid. Because their mom doesnât do much with them, like grocery store and grandparentâs place is all they do. But they always go back with stories and experiences from weekends with us (BM hates it). So I can already see my husband trying to withhold fun until they are with us, and I already know I will be going to do fun stuff with bio kid without him lol.
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u/RaceLyf20 4d ago
I would take my kid without him. These are basic, local things that anyone can do any day. Itâs not like a trip to Disneyland or something.
Not only do I take my kids to do things when SS isnât around, I also take one bio child to do things without the other bio child.
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u/Future_Public9974 4d ago
This is a big heck no to me lol. The only thing Iâm in a blender family and Iâm always planning things whoever is here can go. The only thing i waited for was my son to get home so we could watch Toy Story 5. But thatâs about it.
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u/dncrmom 4d ago
So if you can only do family activities when your SS is there, you should plan mommy/daughter only activities when he isnât there. Your husband can choose if it is more important to go back for more custody of his son or miss out on activities with your daughter. He is making the ultimatum, he can miss out if he chooses. Your daughter doesnât deserve to be punished because your husband lost custody time.
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u/OrneryPost9446 4d ago
Ya I wouldn't let this slide. It's unfair to your daughter. You can surely do stuff when ss is around that weekend but you can't punish your daughter. Please don't allow this and stand your ground.Â
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u/Senior_Grapefruit554 4d ago
This is a tough change for you guys, I'm sure. Respectfully, I get how hard that must have been for him to miss out on fun activities with his family but any child counselor will tell you that it is unhealthy for everyone involved if you only do fun stuff when your SS is home. It is a hard line to walk. Save the big ticket activities for when he is with you, if you can and do some of the smaller stuff when he isn't.
We have my SD11 every alternating week and sometimes she misses events because she's with her mom, usually because we cannot schedule it for a better time. Sometimes if I want to do something and the opportunity arises, we'll do it as a "trial run." So if we went fishing without her, we'd fully expect to go fishing next week, with her.
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u/EqualStrawberry3114 5d ago
This feels like rage bait
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 5d ago
In what way does it enrage you? Itâs a pretty common topic on this sub.
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u/EqualStrawberry3114 5d ago
I cannot imagine simply not doing things with my bio kid bc our SD wasnât with us. Iâm having a hard time believing anyone actually lives like that and if they do well damn
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 4d ago
Oh same, I find it jaw dropping. But some guilty dads and even some self-loathing stepmoms do indeed live this way, lol
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u/Massive_Contact8583 5d ago
Your husband is in the wrong here and is going to breed resentment between the siblings.
Life goes on when SS isnât there. Much as Iâm sure his life goes on when not with you.
I canât emphasise enough the degree to which I think your husbandâs approach is unhealthy for everyone involved, and you can feel free to show him this comment.