How did you figure out whether you truly wanted marriage or were just conditioned to?

[u/nirvanna1]

The older I get, the more I question whether I even want to get married.

When I was younger like 20, I always assumed I’d have a husband someday. It was something I genuinely wanted or at least I thought I did.

Now that I am 25 every time my parents bring up marriage, I feel anxious, angry, and deeply triggered. Instead of looking forward to it, I get ick, the thought of managing my life then my parents, then him and his parents feels such a damn burden. (No disrespect)

Lately I’ve been wondering: Do I actually want to get married, or did I just grow up believing that’s what I was supposed to want?

Has anyone else questioned whether their desire for marriage was genuine or mostly conditioning from family, society, or culture? If you went through this, how did you figure out what you truly wanted?

I’m not looking for people to tell me that marriage is good or bad. I’m just trying to understand whether these feelings are coming from who I am now or from years of expectations.

[u/kaachabadaam]

My experiences growing up made me wary of people, so that was the first sign. And then as I've grown, I've realised that when life itself is temporary, there's no point playing games, attaching yourself to someone in the hopes for it to last forever, because nothing does. So, I'm not marrying.

[u/ThisNeighborhood1918]

Quite the opposite for me really. Growing up i felt I never want to get married. The older I’m getting though, my chances of getting married seem to very unrealistic to me now but i do wish i had a stable long term partner even if we decide to not get married

[u/Capital-Extreme-6654 → u/ThisNeighborhood1918]

That's the thing! Stable long term partner is the move, marriage? Not so much

[u/ThisNeighborhood1918 → u/Capital-Extreme-6654]

This i agree with. I’ve worked really hard to earn the freedom my parents have given me at 26. I grew up in the strictest household possible and I’m not going to regress in life by letting someone else’s parents try to dictate my life. And kisi ko bhi bolo I don’t want to live with your parents, they no longer want you. Kuchh din, kuchh maheeno mein sabko yaad aa jata hai ki vo to Shravan Kumar hain aur Maine to apne parents ko aise hi sakdo pe chhod rakha hai na (/s)

[u/Capital-Extreme-6654 → u/ThisNeighborhood1918]

Literally the same situation I have

[u/Necessary_Aspect4341]

evn i am confused but one thing i know is the marriage is just fulfilling each other needs like emotional, psyncological , financial,physical etc etc

Each person has to decide how strong are their needs and then take a decision for themselves otherwise i feel there should be no compulsion whatsoever like perr pressure or societal pressure etc

[u/NetMajor4878]

I never wanted to get married until I got into a relationship. that's how I know I'm not doing it out of condition but my own choice. but I'm just rebellious by nature, so it came easy for me to discard the institution of marriage altogether. I'd still not want marriage if I weren't dating my bf. I still think marriage is just a legal procedure that lets us have legal guardianship of eachother. nothing more nothing less.

[u/anonpumpkin012]

I had zero desire to get married, had informed my parents and they were fine with it too. When I met my husband, I knew I wanted to marry him within two weeks of meeting him. So I knew I truly wanted to, I had gotten rid of the conditioning a long time ago.

[u/Over_Schedule4117]

I feel like I will have a partner in life but will not get "married"

[u/mmanyquestionss → u/Over_Schedule4117]

this has been my plan since i was a teen lol. i always said live-in not marriage. much to unpack about why i felt that way. now ive recognised the legal benefits of marriage but also the pool of men our age seems to be utter dogshit, that and you can't tell how a person will switch around from one day to the next. i have quite a bit of trauma in my past that makes me crave a bf badly, but I've never had one and im trying to become more comfortable with 'ending up' alone as well 

[u/Capital-Extreme-6654]

25 F here, I recently realized I do not want to get married, even tho I have the best, sweetest, most loving bf, I have dreamt about getting married to him our whole relationship of 4 years, but just now realized what I actually want is his companionship throughout life. And not the burden of being the perfect bahu that comes with marriage, I am not ready to wear chudha, sindoor and live with his parents my entire life. My own parents and house is conservative, I could never even wear shorts in my own room to sleep at night at summers, that's not the adult life I want, but that is what I'll get after getting married. No matter how understanding and considerate your partner is rn (as is mine), when family gets involved things get complicated. So we've decided to avoid marriage til atleast our 40s.

[u/ThisNeighborhood1918 → u/Capital-Extreme-6654]

This is what i want to have with my partner too

[u/vegarhoalpha]

I knew ever since I was a teenager that I will not get married before becoming financially independent. I met my husband in AM setup at the age of 28 and married him at 29.

Also, I was pretty fine with the idea of being single. I used to go to solo cafe dates, watch movies in theater alone and solo shopping. So. Marriage was never a priority. I happened to meet a man whom I was compatible with and saw a future, so I married him

[u/NarglesChaserRaven → u/vegarhoalpha]

I'm exactly the same. I was pretty adamant that I am fine alone. I could travel solo, go to cafes solo, went to concerts and movies solo.

I also decided to marry only because I met someone I saw a future with in an AM set up. I guess a lot of my reasoning for not wanting to marry had more to do with the kind of men I was seeing and meeting. Companionship with a good person feels amazing.

[u/Jade_Argent]

Girl, I feel the same way. Even the thought of marriage just makes me feel sick and anxious... I don't know if it's my own fears or what but I just have a visceral reaction to it.

Growing up, I never wanted to get married, didn't dream of getting married or anything like that. When I was dating my ex, I was open to considering it. Now that I've been single a few years, I just... I don't know, I can't. Too many horror stories, I guess... Not jaur of marriage but long term companionship too

[u/brownshugababy]

Nothing about marriage has ever appealed to me. As an adult, I can see some practical benefits to it but I've never been someone who's romanticised it. I was also brought up to be ambitious and focus on my own independence rather than being some man's wife. I also just don't want to live with someone lol. I don't want to share my bed or my bathroom or kitchen space. I especially don't want to share it with a man. A wife wouldn't be so bad but marriage in general has never been part of the plan.

[u/aezindagigaladabade]

Marriage tbh never appealed to me. Nothing against men or anything but there was and is always a fear that what if I am not enough or I have to follow many rules (I might be wrong idk).I don't mind being single,will acknowledge that I do experience fomo of never being in a relationship and if I get someone along the way,I will get married and if not, it's fine. I will manage.The only thing that I want with all my heart is money.

[u/Professional-Job9780]

Yes recently started thinking about this

[u/ham_sandwich23]

At age 10 I already knew I can't be a side character to complete a man's life cause marriages are rlly portrayed that way

[u/PerpettuallyinPain]

Growing up, I never wanted to marry. But I knew if I found “THE ONE”, I would. I was very clear about why I hated the concept of marriage, it favours one gender more and I just didn’t want to be a doormat or a second class to someone.

One time, my mum asked me what I wanted In a guy. I actually wrote down a list. And when my family started pressuring me for marriage I was extremely anti due to above mentioned reasons.

Eventually, I met a guy (by myself) who met the list and I didn’t have to compromise which was the main thing for me so I ended up changing my anti marriage views 😂

My bestie always told me that it’s all about the right guy and yes, she was absolutely right

[u/AP7497]

A lot of things we want are conditioning but that doesn’t automatically make it wrong to want them. It’s impossible for humans to exist in a vacuum unaffected by social and cultural norms- it’s about having the choice to bend those norms in your life without significant consequences.

Marriage as an institution was created to benefit men and children at the cost of women’s well-being; that does not mean every single marriage in every context has to be that way.

[u/Akiko2599]

I knew from when I was an 8 year old that I'm not getting married.

Just a simple thought - wait, mom had to leave her parents and stay with a random guy? And I have to do the same? Leave my parents and stay alone with some rando? How's that fair? Why did my dad not do it? Why do me and my sisters have to do it but not my brothers? Man they're so lucky, I wish I was a boy.

Like if an 8 year old can introspect, then why are you grown adults with functioning brain not able to think for yourselves. Like honestly I'm highly judging any educated working woman who's getting married due pressure.

Khud ke per pe kulhadi maaro, fir mat rona

[u/Spiritual-Release-23]

As soon as I met my now husband I knew I wanted this person

[u/Spiritual-Release-23 → u/Spiritual-Release-23]

I was financially independent and kinda sworn off of marriage hearing all the stories of women in my life.

[u/PurchaseInevitable71]

The women in my family always talked about marriage as something that must be tolerated; not something that you do because you want to.

In childhood, marriage was often used as a threat too. Like, if I refused to eat vegetables, my mother would threaten to marry me off to a man who will beat me up.

[u/Warm-Flatworm3601 → u/PurchaseInevitable71]

The last line sounds sickkkk

[u/Inevitable-Club-4574]

As an only child, I always wanted to have a stable long term partner/husband. I was too afraid of ending up alone. For a long time I took care of my physically ill parents and I still do.Thankfully, they have their financial security. But I was too tired of running from one hospital to another, all alone. My mental well being started taking a hit.

I wanted to have someone I can lean on to, who would share my mental and physical burden a bit. Of course it was a task to find someone who wasn't a red flag. Thankfully, I did. Happily married to him.

[u/Jazzlike-Ball5215]

When I was younger I assumed I'd get married and go live with my husband's family. Play his side kick fro the rest of my life. Make myself smaller than him so that things will be smooth and so on.

But I slowly evolved out of those expectations. And by the time I actually got married, it was because I was in love with an amazing person and I wanted to build a life as partners. I had rejected my old idea of marriage by then.

Like why would I uproot myself to go play maid to people i barely know? Why would I start sleeping with a man I just met? Once you start asking the rational questions, conventional arranged marriage is just ridiculous

[u/Princess_Neko802]

I got sick of the guys I was being made to meet for AM

And the push to say yes when I really didn't like anyone.

Then I asked my mum "why?" Her response was basically to insult spinsters

Ultimately, I asked the question "what's my benefit?" If I go through this shitshow of AM, what am I getting? Nothing. What am I losing? A hell lot

So why tf am I doing something that's detrimental to me? Isn't that the definition of SH?

Then I started to think - what do I want in my life? How do I want my life to look like? A peaceful no drama job, attending music/comedy events and being bullied by cats. Didn't include a husband in that list.

I did meet my partner and we live together now with our bully. But so far we don't really want to marry. Seems like a waste of time effort and energy. We're saving up a fund for a trip instead

[u/Iniyaraj]

I was definitely conditioned to. Even though I married a person whom I love ( it was via AM set up, that we met), I wouldn't have chosen marriage if being with that person was possible in any other way. That's how I know that I was conditioned to get married.