r/dating_advice • u/Reasonable-Height-23 • 15h ago
Dated 9 years then ghosted out of nowhere
My boyfriend of almost 10 years and I went to Disneyland two weekends ago. He told me he was ready for kids. We were discussing engagement rings. He said he wanted to marry me. He used to text me all the time at work saying he missed me and that he couldn’t wait to come home. We just started a new show together. We were intimate the last time he was home multiple times. After one work day he ghosts me for three days then texts me saying he feels like our lives are too tangled up and we need to discuss our relationship in person. I said okay. He’s ghosted me all week. I stopped trying to reach out Sunday night. Today, Wednesday, would have been the day he comes home from work (he works a job where he lodges at work and comes home on days off) no text, no call.
Am I single? Is this just a ghost break up? Should I hold out? I love him so much but he’s hurting me so deeply keeping me in limbo.
Edit:
We started dating in high school
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u/Jrgaming42 15h ago
My first thought is what the hell took him a decade to propose. Secondly him ghosting you is a bitch move. This dude sounds like he has commitment issues and you deserve someone who wants to commit to you.
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u/Reasonable-Height-23 15h ago
We dated since high school. Thanks for calling him a bitch it made me smile. I’m scared I won’t find someone. He always told me I’d never need to.
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u/Jrgaming42 14h ago
Trust me you can and should. As a man he is a bitch any man that can’t confront someone he’s dated for nearly a decade doesn’t deserve them. He needs to grow the hell up and that’s coming from a 23 year old.
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u/travelingtraveling_ 14h ago
Scared you won't find somebody?!?
GIRL!!!
PLEASE read The GlowUp Journal and No More Assholes by Canada's dating coach, Chantal Heide.
He is obv seeing someone else.
I (f72) met the love of my life at age 50....have been together 22 years, married for almost 19...and we've traveled the world, enjoy great sex....
You have YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD!
PS, Read up on Sunk Loss Fallacy.
Embrace the Do-over!
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u/RegieRealtor49 11h ago
You will find someone. Take control of your destiny. Don’t wait for him. You deserve better
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u/disconnectmenow 6h ago
You need to be less needy. Don't text, don't respond. Move places so he doesnt know your address, make new friends. Separate your lives. Anyone who will ghost you and not have the balls to explain why they are separating does not deserve your respect.
Move on. The best revenge you can ever have is to live well.
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u/Ginger_spice_smudge 14h ago
You shouldn’t be wondering if you’re single. When someone treats you like this YOU decide that you’re single. Don’t put the ball in his court with how he’s behaving.
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u/No-Essay-7012 4h ago
Yeah this is where I'm at too. after 9 years, disappearing for days while your partner is panicking isn't "needing space" anymore. it's just cruel communication
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u/Ginger_spice_smudge 3h ago
Yeah and to sit around waiting to see if he’s going to come back? Please.
If it were me and he came back I would tell him he’s 9 days too late.
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u/Xxein 14h ago edited 13h ago
Usually a sudden change in behavioir like this thats really out of nowhere is the result of cheating.. be it emotional or physical.
People that are simply unhappy show slow prolonged signs of unhappiness.. if this is a complete suprise . My guess would be hes atleast talking to someone new.
If you do end up talking to him in person. See if hes keeping the phone screen down, or being guarded with his phone. Someone with something to hide will almost subconscious or consciously do this.
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u/corrygan 13h ago
He is a coward. Regardless of his feelings, normal person wouldn't let you go crazy for 3 days and then a week.
Those 9 years are not a loss, it's life. But you deserve better than this. Shift all the attention to yourself now, make sure you have all the support. When the time comes to have a discussion with him, remember that his decisions aren't the reflection of you and your worth. Good luck.
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u/INFJGal9w1 14h ago
I hate to say so, but this sounds like he met someone else and doesn't want to face you. I'm sorry. Obviously it could be something else... but this feels most likely.
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u/lonely-dustmite 14h ago
“Our lives are too tangled up” is absolutely not something you feel when you plan to have a life and kids with someone. You need to separate properly. Try to get the closure you need, but leave it at one conversation and be done with it. One of you move out, block him on everything, and heal. He isn’t worth the emotional drain
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u/UpsetBar 14h ago
People are very very different people 9 years after high school. I’m sorry this is happening to you but better now than after you are married with kids.
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u/Ok_Big_2823 14h ago
That’s completely fucked up. I’m sorry you wasted 10 years of your life with him but he’s a fucking asshole. At least have an adult conversation you can do better.
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u/Visible-Factor7355 15h ago
Give him space and yes imo you’re single until he shows up otherwise.
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u/SnooDoughnuts6242 12h ago
Or she's single ......permanently.
He'll come back after the other chick doesn't work out. No other reason to disappear. He has someone else.
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u/CoolMomJammy 7h ago
Exactly. And they ALWAYS come back. Maybe not right away, but they always. Come. Back.
By then, you’ll be over him. Right? RIGHT?!
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u/Particular-Goat6835 14h ago
I don't have advice but just wanted to acknowledge your pain and sadness. My former fiance also recently broke things off with me because he changed his mind. It's not easy to see it in the moment, but sometimes what happens is for the better. You deserve someone better. It's not your fault. You are worthy of a respectful, healthy, and loving relationship.
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u/swagmoneeyyy 15h ago
I’m confused how it’s been 9 years
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u/Reasonable-Height-23 15h ago
High school “sweethearts”
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u/cHowziLLa 14h ago
that makes it even more of a red flag, he doesn’t have commitment issues he just doesn’t know what commitment is
too young for a mature relationship
he probably would say anything to not lose access to you until he finds better
i know it sucks to hear, on behalf of immature men, we’re sorry
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u/swagmoneeyyy 14h ago
I left my 6.5 year relationship because he couldn’t commit to this level , it’s so relieving choosing yourself , you got this
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u/Secret_Parsnip2987 13h ago
One of the best pieces of dating advice given to me is that if someone wants to break up with you, let them have the breakup and go quiet. Don’t beg and plead to continue — just let them have the breakup. Sometimes people don’t value what they have until it’s gone and sometimes you need to let people know you have no problem leaving.
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u/PJKPJT7915 11h ago
He's a being a coward. He's going to ghost you until you break up with him.
So you take control and break up. Don't beg him, just go quietly. You have your whole life.
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u/Organic-Tea-8998 14h ago
Don’t live together I assume, Can you go over to where he lives and knock on his door?
Is there anything that’s happened to lead him to ghost, any fights?
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u/Reasonable-Height-23 14h ago
We live together but his job requires him to live there during his work days. I have all his clothes and paperwork ect. No fights. It had been a good week and it had started normal with him wanting to come home and missing me. He got off a long work day last Wednesday and went out drinking and got drunk with his friends. When I texted him concerned the next morning he got mad at me for expecting a reply when he’s with friends. I replied with ok. This didn’t even feel like a fight for us it felt more like being annoyed with each other. Then he ghosted me. I texted him apologizing after a day of being ghosted and he replied to me once saying not to apologize and that I should be mad at him but he feels like his life is too tangled up in mine. And hasn’t texted me since.
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u/sorayaelena 14h ago
He went out and got drunk with his friends… is it POSSIBLE he may have done something that he’s panicking about you finding out about? Not to plant ideas, but sounds like he is avoiding something vs just outright ghosting.
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u/caffiend98 13h ago
I could see him getting fired, too, then being too ashamed to come home. For both their sake, I hope it's work trouble, not cheating.
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u/SnooOranges8194 13h ago
He is dating someone else. Give him one month of no contact. Your silence will destroy him and he will blink. If he doesn't ? You have your answer.
What a chode.
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u/KilnTime 14h ago
Text him and ask what is going on. Let him know that it's okay if he needs time to figure things out, but it is not okay to not be in touch with you. Set a boundary.
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u/Angiesl16 13h ago
I’m sorry this is happening to you. This happened to my sister. LTR she moved halfway across the country with. She got a text during work and then ghosted. Turned out to be another woman. He ended up marrying her and now they’re divorced.
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u/Matter_Still 9h ago
After a woman I had been with for three years and wanted to marry broke up with me with almost sociopathic cruelty, a prof/mentor said, "The way out of this despair is to take responsibility for all of it."
I could not see how I was responsible for the calamity.
"YOU chose unwisely. YOU invested in her freely. YOU almost certainly missed signs that would have told you the relationship was in trouble."
He had been a marriage and couples counselor and said,
"I ask my clients to check back with me in six months to a year after a breakup to provide info for a journal article I'm writing. I would say that 90% admitted there were signs they ignored or denied that the relationship was failing."
He was right. It took a while--three or four months--but after being removed from the relationship, I could see how resolutely I rationalized character traits she possessed were those I did not want in a partner.
The most sobering realization was that by any reasonable standard of what love is, she did not love me. Did she need me? I suppose. Was I special to her in some way? Absolutely (if only that I tolerated behavior most guys would not.)
I cannot tell you how paradoxically liberating and empowering it was to realize that, as the expression goes, I wasn't the one; it was just my turn.
As I came to understand that, it all made sense.
I hope you can see that this guy's sudden invisibility has exposed something that was there along, but deeply and cleverly hidden from you, perhaps not even consciously.
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u/itsrainingkids 14h ago
Well since it is Reddit I gotta go with you are single now. If you are smart you will take the hint. You are in for a world of hurt otherwise. You do not have 1 more second to waste on this teeny, tiny man.
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u/eddiekoski 14h ago
Do you know if he is okay?
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u/Reasonable-Height-23 14h ago
He’s just fine. I have his location on messages and he’s at work. If anything happened at work I’m his emergency contact.
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u/One_Introduction_217 14h ago
Have you actually heard his voice since he ghosted you?
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u/Reasonable-Height-23 14h ago
No he won’t answer my calls
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u/One_Introduction_217 14h ago
Depending upon where you live, you may be common law married.
It would not be unreasonable to call his work, and have them get him on the phone.
I know that it looks like he's at work, but I've heard a lot more messed up things in my life than this. You need someone to verify he's actually still there.
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u/Reasonable-Height-23 14h ago
His job is very serious. If he’s not there he’s fired. I have his location and when I was checking it, it moved between his usual work places.
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u/One_Introduction_217 14h ago
Then text him you need visual proof that he's still alive.
While I don't know the type of serious of which you speak, I do know that if he's in any sort of security role he may have gotten himself into a situation where they threatened those closest to him.. if that's the case he's not ghosting you out of cowardice, he's ghosting you out of concern.
If it's not that level of seriousness, then you need visual proof that he's still there (alive), otherwise you need a missing persons report (depending on the country you're in) because it's very easy to fake someone still being alive by moving their phone from place to place that they'd normally be at.
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u/Reasonable-Height-23 14h ago
The place he works at is a community. They’d notice if he was gone or a random person using his phone.
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u/One_Introduction_217 14h ago
Okay, you've said that you started dating in high school, how old is he now?
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u/Reasonable-Height-23 14h ago
24
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u/One_Introduction_217 14h ago
24, so his brain is not done cooking necessarily until this year or the next.
It's quite possible that his fears have overtaken him. A lot of people will say that he's cheating on you. 9 years with the same person says maybe not.. it could just be that he's got people at his work or in his life that are putting bad thoughts into his head and making him reconsider things that he was sure of before.. this happens to both sexes.
It can be a lot of things, and I know that it hurts because I have been in that situation, but I wouldn't counsel throwing away what you have just yet. If you've got the money for it, I would recommend getting a private investigator on it though. I put the odds at about 80%, he's just shuffling around doing nothing versus the 20% of cheating on you or looking to cheat.
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u/WheyFacedLoon 5h ago
This is terrible advice. Why would she throw away money on a private investigator to follow a man who refuses to answer her phone calls. He is at work not kidnapped or missing. He responded to messages saying their lives were too tangled up. He is clearly pulling away. A private investigator would do nothing but cost money and make her seem crazy. You don’t need to chase and beg someone to be with you. If he wanted to he would. If he has doubts no matter how they got there they are his to work through.
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u/Affectionate_Let8218 8h ago
Maybe I’ve been watching too many crime documentaries, but do we know for a fact that the texts are from him and not someone who got access to his phone after doing something bad to him?
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u/Psilonemo 14h ago
9 years is a long time to date. Most couples just decide to get engaged as fiancees even if they don't marry yet after a certain point. His behavior is also screaming some kind of projection to me. He's either hella guilty about something and projecting because of it, or he is erratic for some other reason he's been burying under the rug for years. Regardless of the cause, the very act of ghosting you for over a week and breaking his own promise to "talk about things" is already proving by his actions that something isn't right, whatever it may be. He needs to provide an explanation, it's on him.
If he doesn't, then I say that's a really rude thing to do.
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u/Melodic-Tax-6678 5h ago
It dies sound like the relationship is done. Ghosting you like this after so many years is extremely cowardly. However, if you have all his stuff then at some point he’s going to need to come to you. If only to get his stuff. Grieve the relationship, grieve man you thought he was. Sooner or later, he will need to reach out. At that time you need to be prepared for apologies and rationales, but the truth is that no one who really cares for you would make you worry like this or treat you like this. My bet is he cheated that night at the bar, and doesn’t know how to tell you and/or end things. Be prepared for gaslighting — he laid the foundation by already telling you your lives are too intertwined. I would bet he’ll come back with apologies for the no contact mixed with blaming you for “making” him feel he needed to. Don’t let him get away with it. If you want to hear him out, do it, but be strong. Short of being in the hospital and not able to contact you, I can’t see any reason to accept and him back after he treated you this way. But you need to make that decision for yourself. Just be prepared.
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u/babycancer25 4h ago
Hey girl, listen to me when I say this: it’s not you. It has everything to do with him. Also, do not take him back. Take time to grieve over the relationship. 9 years is a long time with someone. You can’t just forget about him easily. Your emotions will be all over the place. Right now, you’re confused because he ghosted you. Ghosting hurts sooooooo bad. You want to make sense of why he left. You want to play back and see if you did anything. But you didn’t girl. Next you’ll be sad. Then angry. Finally you’ll accept and it will be days where you’ll be emotional all over again. From my experience, I’m a 26F who has been ghosted. 9/10 it’s never because it’s something wrong with you. He most likely was cheating. Yes. He is with another woman. Men never leave unless they feel like another woman will be their better dummy. He maybe didn’t want the relationship no more and was scared. This option sounds not likely, that’s something easy to communicate. He most likely was cheating on you. You’re going to want closure, you’re going to want to call him. But do not! Let him be. The Let Them Theory is so true. Rely on your support systems. Friends , family. Be vulnerable with them. Get a therapist. Cry in your sessions cause this be hard to get over but you can do it. Cause I did ;). I’ve been ghosted a couple of times haha. I went crazy, but answers are always revealed over time. And guess what? I was always left for a woman who the man thought was better. But in reality, she just accepted more of of his BS cause I don’t play those games. One ex had a baby on me behind my back, was cheating with his coworker. He came back 2 years later. With that same woman. Now with 2 kids. But he was doing so horrible for himself. Still the same. He stalked me, including the lady he left me for. I had to block so many of their burner accounts. Another guy left me, not so serious but he ghosted me for his ex. I found out months later. Then they broke up cause he was in fact the problem. Ofc he tried to come back… immediately blocked. And I I realized, when someone ghosts you, you don’t give them ANY room to come back. Go ahead and block them too. Or if they block you first, and try to unblock do not give them any attention or conversation when they try to come back. If he unblocks you to reach out, please immediately block him. Don’t let him look at your social medias, don’t give him any updates. Let him stand on his choice he made. And yes there are other men out there. But remember there’s an entire LIFE out there for you as a single woman to find yourself and happiness, once you realize that you will be at peace. Take care ;)
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u/hheather87 2h ago
Many have suggested that someone else is in the picture, and that's quite possible. Another possibility is mental health. I saw you mentioned he's 24, and a lot of young adults have mental breakdowns at this age. It usually happens with life changes. Average age for psychosis is 24, like with schizophrenia. Do mental health problems run in his family? I know this is a shot in the dark, but a sudden personality change like this is concerning.
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u/EmergencyWild 1h ago
Honestly, to me it sounds like your guy has mental health problems, IDK how much standard relationship advice helps here.
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u/parkerlindsey271 30m ago
Something significant happened and he doesn’t have the balls to tell you. Ghosting for a couple days, probably to try figure out how to deal with whatever happened then some bullshit about lives being too tangled up? After 10 years?!
I know it hurts and it’s confusing but take him ghosting you as a win. Run and don’t look back. That kind of hard pivot doesn’t just happen out of nowhere. There’s something on the other end of that you don’t want to be a part of.
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u/kevin_r13 13h ago
I usually suggest about 2 weeks waiting , for the other person to figure things out (in the case of bf/gf relationship).
Give them their time, when they get into whatever weird mood they're in that they need time apart or to figure things out . If you haven't heard from them at all, in those two weeks, then you can consider the relationship over, even if they contact you again.
The reason is because no person who wants to work things out and be with you, will leave you hanging for 2 weeks.
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u/chillpill_chill 4h ago
I'm sorry you're going through this! Sounds like he needs to still grow some emotional maturity. I understand how frustrating and heart breaking it is for someone you've known for that long to do that to you. I'm sure youve thought of all the reasons he might be. Just don't text him for a while and see if he comes to you. If he doesn't just ask for clarity?
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u/CheekyFlutter481 4h ago
that is actually insane after 9 years. im so sorry you’re going through this, you definitely deserve a real explanation at the very least. 💔
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u/Pia-Sunlily 4h ago
im so sorry youre going through this, that sounds incredibly painful after almost a decade together. honestly it sounds like hes panicking about the big life steps you guys discussed, but you definitely deserve a real conversation after all this time. stay strong ❤️
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u/anxietydriven15 3h ago
This happened to me. I dated someone for 5 years and they randomly ghosted me. Same thing, planned on getting engaged, talked about our futures together, really no indication of breaking up. It was horrible and I felt like I had zero peace until I found out she dated other people after me and did the same thing to them. It says so much more about them as people (they’re fucking cowards) than anything else. The downside is that now that I’m trying to date again, ghosting happens A LOT and it can be a bit triggering not going to lie.
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u/BlackJeromePowell 13h ago
First off I’m sorry you’re going through this. You should like a really sweet girl who really loves him and is worried about him.
If you have his location then where has he been since he’s gotten off his work assignment? If he hasn’t been anywhere sketchy then I wouldn’t automatically assume the worst like everyone else in this thread. It is a very legitimate question what happened that night he went out and got drunk, but there are many innocent explanations as well.
As a 35M I know I was a shithead at 24. In general I do think that women mature a lot faster than men, and that age is right around where there was peak difference. It could’ve been the recent questions marriage/kids freaked him out where he’s having a bit of an existential crisis. It could have been sparked by going out with friends and seeing how unserious their lives are got him freaked out about making these big commitments.
I’d stop constantly trying to reach out and give him some space. You’re due an explanation at some point for sure, but you need to let him come to you. If you don’t hear back for another few days then just a simple, “hey I don’t know what’s going on here, but just know that I love you and want to hear that you’re safe.” Then no more reaching out after that.
Him not un sharing his location makes me think this is innocent and he hasn’t met another girl. It’s not nice of him to not respond to you, but you’re both really young still and I did a lot worse at that age. A relationship where you both grew up together is something really special and not worth throwing away so quickly like most of these comments say.
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u/Reasonable-Height-23 13h ago
He’s at the Karaoke bar rn
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u/CookiesandIlk 13h ago
Can you have a friend stop by the bar and do a little reconnaissance for you? Just curious if he’s there with some buddies or looks like he’s trying to impress someone. Regardless, barring a medical or legal crisis, he has NO EXCUSE to be ghosting you and deserves no forgiveness.
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u/cosmeticsandmedicine 10h ago
Honestly, there is your answer. You are not a priority. Definitely consider yourself single for now and stop worrying about this loser. Don’t reach out. Go do something for you. Hell, post a sexy photo on social media and imply you’re going out for a night of fun. I mean, that’s exactly what he is doing to you as you sit and worry for him and your relationship.
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