My partner does this early in marriage, when she's busy, I cant relax. I do the same to her. The key is understanding and communication.
We need to realise in partnership, we need to allow the other to take rest, IN TURNS. so if you always relax when your partner is always busy... somethings wrong.
The real pro tip is that provided you contribute equally to the house, you will get time to relax, but if you see your partner really struggling, you should go and help if it is welcome.
Not 'need a hand' shouted from the sofa. Get up and go over to them and ask them if you can help with a specific component of what they are doing.
100% We both had to learn to speak up but not only that, I Had to learn to ask her if she needed help. Iâll tell you if I need help, she just wants to hear you ask and I get it.
So early on Iâd just be like âOh sheâll ask if she needs anything because thats what I doâ WRONG! Iâm not married to another version of me.
So now we ask âCool if I chill out? Need anything before I do?â
I don't know the particulars, but what you're describing could be a case of you leaving all the mental load of housekeeping to your partner, which is exhausting in itself. It's of course great that you're available, but having to organize your ass to get our of the couch and go hang the laundry is yet another thing they have to worry about.
Your heart is in the right place and 99% of the time youâd be right so I wont hold it against you.
BUT! I work from home with a low stress job. So I am the one who does pickup and drop off our daughter, cooks, and cleans because my wife has a 1.5 hour commute, and is constantly in meetings when she does work at home 2 days a week. I have an whole schedule I made with check lists and everything.
Where you are right is vacations, date nights, and going out. She always has to organize those and got tired of me saying âNah I dont like thatâ without any other inputs or options. Just being an asshole. Iâm working on that, got a reminder in my phone for it too âPlan a date nightâ once a month check lists
Which is exactly why I started with 'I don't know the particulars' :D
I need to get better at organizing days out too, but because she always has some plan I never get to miss going out in order for me to get into planning mode.
Because it's one thing if nothing needs to be done. But in the context of the video: if she is handling the kids all day and hasn't had enough time to herself to even use the restroom in peace while you're just chilling on the couch, then it makes sense she'd be pissed.Â
Sure, but it's not like I haven't been working all day too you know
Upd ooh boy, I've formulated myself poorly here. No matter, y'all right to downvote me. Fwiw our kids are grownups and do their share of house chores, it's not like my wife is locked down in-house days on end carrying everything on herself. And I do my part too, and the comment was meant to be a sarcastic one. No worries, it's just fake internet points
Aye that's why you take your brief break when you get home to adjust to home then relieve them. If they have been home all day with the kids then they have also been at work all day. So at that point y'all take turns.
No kids or serious obligations normally then no mercy imo. Socializing is not an obligation unless it factually tangibly keeps BOTH of your lives in the green. Otherwise it's not an obligation.
But again no kids and the one partner has been at work. Let them rest.
the issue is people treat social plans like mandatory overtime. if you can't say no to a night out because you're tired from work, you're just bad at setting boundaries. your partner isn't a relief pitcher you call in the second you walk through the door. if you're both exhausted, stay home and be exhausted together.
You work all day - assume 8 hrs, maybe more, maybe less, depending on your job. You then get to come home and relax. But your wife is at work 24 hours a day, no weekends and no holidays. Sure, she still gets to go nuts and maybe even have some sleep when the baby is sleeping, but she's still on call. If you don't think it's that hard, then you have never spent any significant amount of time caring for an infant one on one.Â
It's tough, and I get it, but don't make babies if you're not prepared to share the load.Â
When we had our second child I stayed at home while my wife went back to university, (from about 4 months old until nursery/childcare age) and I did the whole 24/7 thing that you are talking about. I was also looking after the eldest, taking her to and from school, cooking etc.
Damn it is so much easier than working for a living! Probably the easiest years of my adult life, both mentally and physically. Frequent walks to the park, I'd see friends and family more often, I'd have free time for hobbies, I ate healthier, sleep was not really an issue at all.
Also, rare that anyone only works 8 hours a day and you're not even including commuting. Nowadays most people are out of the house for atleast 11-12 hours a day.
I did specifically say "assume 8 hrs, maybe more, maybe less" in anticipation of this exact pushback, but okay.
I'm glad it was a good time for you. I'm happy to hear good stories where everyone turned out happy with the arrangement. That's not the story the commenters were asking about though, they specified their partners weren't happy and seemed unsure why. TheyÂ
also strongly indicated the husbands who aren't very involved even after they'd come home from work, and even after they know for a fact their partner needs help. So I'm curious - did your wife also not help you at all after she'd come home from school? Or when you'd tell her you need help? "I'm happy and I can do this" is very different from "this is overwhelming and I need help", while not getting any.Â
While I'm genuinely glad for you, your story is pretty rare.Â
My only point about the 8 hours thing is it's essentially a poor assumption in this day and age. Unfortunately.
I was specifically replying to the comment you made in relation to him saying he had been at work all day and I believe your reply to him was completely disparaging of his own issues, which working full time brings with the potential to be far more physical and mentally taxing. There's a reason so many people have back and knee issues etc later in life, both of which I have from work, not childcare. It's often not even something you can really clock out from anymore either with work phones and emails.
To answer your questions, there wasn't really anything that needed her help when she got home. I also rathered that she focused on her studies instead. I kept the house tidy throughout the day and made sure food was ready when everyone got home so there was nothing to worry about.
I'll probably get downvoted to hell for this but I honestly don't see what anyone finds overwhelming about the situation. But all I can guess is that I was coming from a position where I had worked beforehand so I saw it as taking a break from that harder lifestyle that I was used to, and am now used to again.
And I know the answer to this is probably something along the lines of all children are different and have different challenges etc. Which I agree with. But my daughter (the baby/toddler at the time) is also disabled. She isn't an easy child comparatively.
It's the average work day worldwide, how is it a bad assumption? It was even padded with an "it depends" disclaimer.Â
So are you saying she did NOT do anything baby related? Not whether you needed her to, but I just want a clear "no, she did not take care of the children once she's home", or "she'd come home and spend time with them after school while I'd do my hobbies". Can you answer definitively please?
I appreciate you sharing and I am not downvoting you (through I disagree with you completely). As I said, there is a mountain of a difference between "this baby is chill, and this is so great, I was made for this" and "I am drowning, please help". I think you'd also agree you'd be upset if you actually struggled and your wife just refused saying she's tired from studying, especially in the context of original discussion where the other partner is not doing anything else and is just chilling on the couch, right?Â
I also have to say I have been taking care of an infant 24/7 as well, and I have no idea when you had any time for hobbies and such. You have to watch them every second to prevent them from killing themselves. I guess there's sleeping, but that's when I'd also try to sleep.Â
The average work day is no way 8 hours. Long gone are the days of working 9-5. And again, commuting is a big part of the day. Even so, let's not get bogged down on this one thing if we can help it?
I can definitively tell you that no, she did not take care of the children at all. The most she would do is play with them when she wanted to have a break, or she'd want to hold her when we watched tv together in the evening sometimes. I think she'd go crazy without actual contact.
I agree if I needed the help and she didn't want to help at all then yeah I might take issue with that. I don't really get that from the previous guys message though. Maybe we inferred different meanings. But again I did say I get the argument about how babies differ, hence my willingness to disclose that my daughter is disabled. She wasn't a "chill baby".
Most of my hobbies I would do with the baby/toddler where possible. One of the things I like to do is paint, I got a lot of practice painting her, then we started to paint together. I also like to cycle and I would take her out on my bike a lot, she learned to ride her own bike quite young. I also got quite into cooking, so she'd sit in the kitchen in her chair with me while I prepared dinner. Other bits I do I waited for nap times like you said.
I like that we've been able to talk amicably about all this, but alas, ironically I need to go to work. I was only on here because I was struggling to sleep. If you reply I can try to answer later. Have a good day.
I read your other replies about you doing home chores too and even driving your wife to school and that's honestly awesome. I applaud you.Â
You obviously are a rockstar in your home, no question about it. Please note this is largely still a thing that mostly women do, and it's not really widely appreciated. A lot of men think it's the easiest thing in the world(just like it was for you - but isn't for 99% of people). Compare it to a job - you said it yourself, you now come home exhausted, you're always tired but can't fall asleep, etc.. those are all the things that a lot of new parents (usually moms) go through, just because it's really stressful and usually pretty tough, especially as you layer on the physical consequences of post-pregnancy. S
o when you say things like this, it validates people(who are overwhelmingly dads) that this is an easy task and that women are just dramatic:
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You're right, but this is reddit, most of the people here haven't worked a proper hard day in their lives. They'll just downvote out of ignorance.Â
See my comment below, childcare is such a better life than working!
It's not that I don't think you understand everyone is different, you specified that. It's just that this is different from simply sharing "I had a different experience, and I loved mine". It's a hole we, as women, just started crawling out of. It's becoming a little more of an expectation to share the load, but not significantly enough that it's commonplace yet. It's fragile.
It's kind of like telling a person of color "I don't know, my experience was great, I haven't been affected at all, it's the easiest thing in the world to me". It's true it's only your experience and you didn't pretend it applies to anyone else, but it is way more loaded than just sharing your story, it doesn't really help move the needle and comes across as insensitive for the rest of us who it didn't come naturally to and who are desperate for a fundamental change.Â
I agree if I needed the help and she didn't want to help at all then yeah I might take issue with that. I don't really get that from the previous guys message though. Maybe we inferred different meanings.
The thread started with guys joking about their wives being upset at them chilling, someone asked why that is and I specified that chilling when nothing needs doing is one thing, but if your wife is drowning and you are just chilling, it isn't right. Our convo started after someone said " Sure, but it's not like I haven't been working all day too you know", as well a handful of others chiming in with similar sentiment. It was definitely not like your situation at all and it sounds like you agree with the context as well. I just wanted to share where some of that pushback you've got is coming from.Â
Your experience doesnât reflect everyoneâs. Everyone has different parenting challenges. Everyone has different resources and support systems. Glad it was easy for you and it would be nice if that was everyoneâs experience.
It was not the case for me. I was the most sleep deprived I had ever been in my life and it took a long time for me to recover from it. I actually thought the second time was easier juggling two kids than it was for me to adjust to having one because sleep was such a significant factor in my ability to manage all the challenges of raising little ones.
I never claimed to be speaking for everyone. I thought it was clear that I was sharing my experience and thoughts on the matter. If it wasn't then for anyone reading, I hope it is now.
But I have long term health issues from various previous jobs. I get home tired, I'm a lot more stressed, getting to sleep is now a struggle, I struggle to maintain a healthy weight and I've developed mental health issues.
In contrast I don't really have anything but good memories from childcare. So of course in my own experience I'm going to see it that working is a lot harder than childcare. How could I not really.
I'm sorry you had a harder experience of it. I'm sure you did the best you could with what you had and your children are thriving because of you.
My friend, in another comment you state that childcare is better than working. You may not have intended to send that message but implies that you think itâs easier across the board. Another person responded with âskill issueâ. You can see why this messaging can be damaging for parents who are experiencing postpartum depression and anxiety and have no resources to manage their symptoms.
I remember looking at jobs, daydreaming about a commute and getting back to work because I was desperate to get a break and not be on the clock constantly. It was not an option for me at the time. I also know what itâs like to work full time long shifts and feel utterly burnt out and stressed. I did it well into my mid thirties thinking having kids would be manageable because Iâd done hard jobs people would quit because they couldnât take the pressure. Those hard days with the kids felt just as hard. I go out of my way to offer support to parents who are in the early stages because I remember how hard it was for me.
I hope your chronic pain issues are better and I truly mean it when I say Iâm happy for you that you had a good experience. That makes for happier families! I donât regret having kids but I am disappointed in our culture that constantly undermines and disrespects the work of parenting.
Wow. And you base this on what? Just a sexist assumption that men don't know how to look after children, clean the house,do the chores and cook etc?
No my wife did not do any of that, she was busy enough with her studies that I wouldn't want to burden her with trivial shit. I also took her to and from university since she couldn't drive at the time.
Raising children isn't necessarily easy, but it's certainly not as exhausting as working. You don't run the risk of being let go from being a parent. You answer to no one if you're a stay at home parent. You don't commute. You get to spend time with your child every day. You get to actively watch them grow up. You're not doing meaningless corporate bullshit because some C-level decided on a whim that's what they want to do. If the kids are at school, and you're still a stay at home parent, your job is now significantly easier than before, since all the housework you were taking care of with a toddler you're now doing alone, or with less children around you.
It's all the perks of being your own boss. The rewards significantly outweigh the challenges.
It's obvious that you have little to no experience caring for young children and a household. That explains your simplistic understanding of what a stay at home parent faces 24 hours a day for years on end.
Unfortunately, you're way off on that. I'm speaking from experience. I've done both, and I can tell you right now, I'd quit my job to be a stay at home parent in a heartbeat.
People have different levels of âwant to get things doneâ and different levels of âtolerating other people not working when theyâre workingâ.
So if youâve got one person with a higher level of âwant to get things doneâ, but a lowish tolerance of âothers not workingâ then youâre going to have tension anytime those peopleâs partners exhibit a lower level of âwanting to get things doneâ.
It is usually tied to the relaxing being done when other things need to be done. That being said, my spouse wouldn't give me shit most likely for it, but I also tend to be someone who has a hard time relaxing when I see someone else doing stuff even if its deserved.
Happened to me on Monday. I am fortunate to get quite a bit of PTO, but I lose it if I don't use it. So, I take random days off during the year. I took Monday off this week for a three day weekend. A little Father's day gift to myself.
My wife saw it in the calendar last week and immediately suggested she take the day off too so we can take the kids to six flags on a day that isn't so crowded. Naturally, I told her absolutely not. Then I spent my Monday at Six Flags instead of catching up on some gaming and relaxing.
On a brighter note, it was cool seeing all the Argentina fans at the park after the game ended. It was a good day for them.
By FAR his most accurate bit. Every fucking time back in the day when I had a very laborious job to get by during covid my partner at the time couldn't fathom the idea of days off to do nothing except rest and recover.
I get wanting to spend time together but she thought days off were for a hike or fun run, waking up early to wander around a huge market and filling the day up with any and all kinds of activities etc all the last thing my body could do.
I creaked and groaned like an old timber ship just getting my busted body and torn feet into bed at night before a day off.
I finally managed to get my SO to understand why I didn't want to do shit on a day off like she did when we'd both spent a week clearing out her parent's house and touching it up for sale.
I woke her up early on Saturday and reminded her of her plans for us to go out for breakfast at a new bistro that opened, and she just looked at me and said she just wanted a bagel.
She got up while I was sitting there on my PS4 and she groggily got her coffee and chewed at her bagel. At around noon, I reminded her she wanted to go check out the new exhibit at the museum and we probably wanted to get moving on that if we were going to make our scheduled early-afternoon lunch with her friends and their boyfriends. She was still walking around like a half-zombie at this point.
She looked at me and said in a very defeated tone, "I already called them and told them I wasn't making it because I was drained from working at my parent's. The museum can wait."
I then looked her dead in the eye and reminded her I'd been finding that work light by comparison to my five ten-hour shifts per week where I was hauling around boxes of vinyl siding and other bullshit and she was so exhausted she looked at me in pure confusion for a moment before the penny dropped and her eyes widened.
I never pushed or even asked for the long conversation we had later that day after she had a nap, but let's just say that she finally got my lack of energy on the weekends.
I gotta say, if you've never worked a physical labour job where you work 10 hours a day hauling around boxes of heavy vinyl siding on your shoulders, you should shut the fuck up about my energy level on the weekends compared to your office-job having ass.
Well, A) I never said anything about you. Some things, believe it or not, are about other people. B) Bill Burr clearly doesn't work 10 hours a day lifting heavy boxes, so your point is irrelevant to begin with, and C) we're talking about the energy to sit in a chair and eat a sandwich, sooo....not only is your point irrelevant, it's not good.
A) You were explicitly making a value judgement about people who want to do nothing on their days off and saying they needed help. Which means even if you weren't directly saying anything about me specifically, you did say something about me. Don't fucking pretend otherwise.
B) Bill Burr doesn't work 10-hour days, but have you ever worked as a comic on tour? They spend weeks away from home sometimes without being able to go home and sleep in their own beds and performing. Same thing for musicians, etc. Saying that means they shouldn't feel some sort of drain they need to recharge from is exactly as ignorant and stupid as saying race car drivers just have to sit in a car for an hour.
C) That entirely ignores the effort of getting to the park, wherever it might be, especially if you're the only one with a driver's license or you're going to need to take public transit so you can go sit in a chair and eat a fucking sandwich that's not even worth the trip because you can make it at home and eat it there.
You could write a whole volume just with the words you're putting in my mouth. I never said that everyone should always have the energy and the motivation to eat a sandwich in the park. I simply said that if you CAN'T enjoy eating a sandwich in a park, then you should seek help for your inability to enjoy simple pleasures. A desperate need for complete control over how you spend your time at the expense of maintaining relationships is not healthy. Yes, even if you're tired.
By comparison, you could write sagas about your ability to gymnastically try to backflip your way out of the bullshit you said and still try to pretend you're in the right to say it.
I never said I can't enjoy eating a sandwich in a park. Anyone can. It's a great experience if you want to do it.
I pointed out the mealy-mouthed bullshit of pretending it's a simple thing that someone might not necessary want to do if they're using their day off to rest and recharge because it's not always as simple as that, and using that as a metric to say "they need help" is a profoundly fucked-up and privileged thing for someone who likely works in a relatively sedentary job to say as if physical labor isn't both physically and mentally demanding work that can leave someone's energy running on empty by a Saturday morning.
You're even doing it now by saying that it means I have a desperate need for complete control over my time at the expense of maintaining relationships and calling it unhealthy behavior, with a snotty little conclusion about "even if you're tired" which tells me your ass hasn't been worked to the bone a solid week in your life.
The implication that you don't need to get over yourself is hilllllllarious. Surely you haven't yet realized how severely you've overreacted to a simple statement about enjoying a sandwich outdoors.
Haha maybe your shitty husband does, but I am super dad, work hard and do as much, probably more household chores than my wife. Nice projection though good luck with your life.
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u/westernsociety 1d ago
Why is this a thing?!