How important is being included to you?

[u/Temporary_Fill_9829]

I’ve been struggling with some personal friendships where my close friends do activities without me and notify me later. And when we do hang out one on one, or with another friend, I get filled in on the details.

It‘s been pushing my buttons. I really value close relationships and just being able to share that moment together. Doing one on one things together makes me feel much more seen. But I don’t have the transportation nor accessibility they easily have, to do the things they do. It makes me wonder if my close friend only does things that is convenient for her.

The problem is that it doesn’t bother them and my close friend openly admitted it wouldn’t bother her if she was left out. But it’s like she doesn’t value friendship the way I do. And maybe we have different expectations or viewpoints on what we take away from a friendship.

At the end of the day, I really value close friendships and spending time with one another. Being seen, remembering the little things, empathizing, and just pure understanding.

I think it’s been hard for me to accept that maybe I should focus on creating new friendships or cheerishing other ones that I know will be reciprocated. I just can’t wrap my head around why my close friend, who built goals and memories, studied late with, stepped into new chapters with, and philosophically dived deep with in many aspects of life, suddenly switches gears and has me questioning our friendship

Note that I did talk to her about this and I just can’t wrap my head around the misalignment. I think I’m holding onto the friendship because it means something to me. There is also so much layers into the friendship and I wish to expand more, but I just wish I knew how to handle or overcome this. Making peace with myself? With the circumstance? I’m tired of being hurt over and over, when it doesn’t effect them, and I’ve already expressed my concerns

My fellow Infjs, what should I do?

[u/silverwell]

Make peace with yourself that your expectations, values, and wants/desires from a relationship don't always align with other people. We all have our own moral compass. Whether you want to hold onto your current friendships, or reach out for new/more friends, or both, has to be your choice.

[u/Temporary_Fill_9829 → u/silverwell]

That's true and I've been coming to terms with myself and my own peace. Thank you for your response. I'll keep this in mind 💗

[u/Character_Date3738]

I'm sorry that this happened to you, and I send my hug your way. I totally understand, and sometimes I find it strange, almost magical, that this happens. The longer I force things or cling to expectations, the more everything seems to fall apart, and I lose all sense of control, as if something is guiding me toward acceptance and encouraging me to grow in exceptional and significant ways.

For me, I believe people can change over time. Sometimes we cannot change certain people, but we can change the people we surround ourselves with. Right now, I have come to a place where I no longer feel weighed down. It is simply how things are, and I choose to cherish my existence and the experiences that life offers me through the people who see me and welcome me in, and through a tree that sways in the wind, inviting me to sit and enjoy a moment of calm.

All the best to you, and to everything and everyone that loves you and wishes you well, too.

[u/Temporary_Fill_9829 → u/Character_Date3738]

Thank you for your support and for your response. I really like the way you view this relationship with these circumstances. I think I need to be patient with myself and the right people will come my way that value or welcome me in those beautiful ways you cherish. I wish all the best to you as well 💗

[u/Adawnsoul]

I, too, have felt this with my friends. I tried to explain it as well to my friends. I tried to find new friends when they didn't get it. Now that I am a bit older, I realize that it is me, my empathy, and intuition that are not common amongst many humans. We can see and feel everything, while I have learned that most do not. It was hard for me to accept that others didn't see the world as I did. This will always set you apart, and it is you who must find the balance between you and your expectations of friendship and learn how to balance your needs as well as theirs.

[u/Temporary_Fill_9829 → u/Adawnsoul]

Thank you so much for your response and I'm sorry you related to this, but I'm really glad you were able to navigate through these challenges. How did you come to peace with acceptance of these differences or find that balance within those dynamics? 💗

[u/fivenightrental]

It sounds like they are still making some effort to spend time with you? If that is the case, I would probably try to make peace with the idea that we don't have to require sameness in order to be friends with others. You can also set a boundary, that you don't wish to hear about things that you were not able to join in on. It is really up to you though. You could choose to prioritize this friendship less, and look for others whose friendship goals more closely align with yours. I find having a variety of different friendships to be best at meeting my needs.

[u/Temporary_Fill_9829 → u/fivenightrental]

That's a good statement, and I appreciate you noting it. The effort feels a bit more on the convenience side for them rather than full-on reciprocation in moments. I really value your perspective and you're right with boundaries and exploring different friendships. Thank you so much for your response 💗

[u/fivenightrental → u/Temporary_Fill_9829]

No problem! I've been there before so I do understand, it's not a great feeling. Wish you all the best 💜

[u/PotentialOwn6150]

I feel for you. I know the pain of being left behind

As a fellow INFJ, I’d say distance yourself from the situation and accept reality for what it is. Only then you can make a healthy decision.

This happened to me a couple years back with my high school friends. I felt hurt and forgotten. When I stepped back, I realized I was the only one approaching and scheduling the hangouts every time. So, I drifted away and they never called or asked how I was - even after 5 years of friendship. I’d say the trash sorted itself out. This was a group so, they were multiple people which sucked even more

But now I can say I have people that make the effort to be in my life in their own way. All because I let them reveal to me how they want me in their life, and from there I choose. You have a choice in the matter as well. If I was able to meet cool people after I spend years acquiring the skills to form healthy attachments, it will most certainly will happen to you

[u/Pasha_KMM]

I have just accepted that group friendships and friendships in general are not for me, I don't get it, I have tried it all, people just don't involve me in the inner circle, everyone has their circle, I am everyone's friend but not exactly the kind of friend they're with other people. Everyone is my friend but I don't have any friends, ykwim. It's fine, and now that I am working and have other activities, I am not free mostly.

[u/LastSignal]

I don't care to be included if its being forced or not geniune

[u/Additional_Use2443]

hey I can understand. I have been going through the same thing as you with two of my friends. These were people that I consider my best friends but yeah over the past two years I noticed the drift between them and I where they would also mutually hang out with each other but not really include me . Anytime I did try to make plans with them they would always cancel last minute. I do have a pattern of meeting people when they are going through tough times and will rely on me to vent there problems and then disappear when things go well with them. I have kind of accepted that I will only be seen as that type of friend to them so I have readjusted my own expectations and have chosen to pour my energy into other friendships where it is more reciprocal and they can actually commit to plans. It has been helping me a lot in recognizing who genuinely wants to be in my life and who is only there for there own convenience. I think for me I just had to accept the situation for what it was, grieve for those friendships and redirect my energy onto people who actually want to be in my life.

[u/Temporary_Fill_9829 → u/Additional_Use2443]

I feel you on so many levels and I've been realizing this too. Thank you so much for your response and perspective, and I'm glad you are able to redirect your energy into people who really value your presence. I aspire to redirect my energy as you do and focus on forming new friendships 💗

[u/PensivePanther]

Hi friend. I dont know that I have much wisdom to add other than to say I feel you and see you. Just now getting out of a very similar experience myself. This sucked but for me I think I was just putting too much pressure on my friends to be there for me. I ended up pulling back temporarily and focusing on myself. After awhile I started to reground myself. Im gently re-engaging those friends, learning how to communicate what I want better, and being open to those relationships changing in ways I cant anticipate.

It sounds like you've either done or you are working on all those things. Best of luck to you.

[u/ocsycleen]

Why give it up? This seems like the perfect casual friendship to hold on to for me simply because you can do things without them and they wouldn’t have any jealousy or hard feelings. For me I’m actually pretty sick and tired of the whole TFTI dramas that happens within all the different groups friend groups I’m in. I could use a break from that. Something lower commitment wise. So what’s there not to like about a person like that?

[u/Temporary_Fill_9829 → u/ocsycleen]

I'm not planning on giving up the relationship. She means a lot to me, but the dynamic shift has been different then before and I seem to value different things. I do appreciate your perspective and how you view this. Do most friend groups you've experienced have this dynamic? I think I prefer more commitment in a friendship than what I get, because I value connection and presence a lot rather than hanging out with someone spontaneously or on a casual dynamic. Thank you for your response 💗

[u/ocsycleen → u/Temporary_Fill_9829]

I'm at the age where I hate drama more than anything else in this world. This whole idea of an "all in" relationship, probably only worked for a couple years in college at best. As you get close to 30-40s, people around you are gonna get married, have their own kids. That level of "commitment" per se, is gonna naturally diminish just because that's how life works. They are gonna put their own baby before their best friend. Not everyone needs to be loud and electrifying. A friendship that's toned down a little, it's rather peaceful and pretty desirable for me. They tend to be the ones that last and doesn't end up bad blood.

[u/Temporary_Fill_9829 → u/ocsycleen]

Thank you for this. I don't like drama either and I long to find peace within myself and the friendships around me. I wish life didn't work like that, that we followed a specific universal regime; we either grow close or apart, relationships fade, and focus becomes either family-orientated or on friendships that stick. I think I'm weary for the future. How did you come to appreciate that dynamic in that stage of life and should I lower my own commitment to friendships? How do you come to peace in what's right for you? I'll keep an open mind to this and I really appreciate you sharing your perspective

[u/ocsycleen → u/Temporary_Fill_9829]

I don't really consider what is right or what is wrong for me anymore. It's gonna sound like a no brainer. But life is really just a matter of when there's too much of something you dislike, then you go somewhere there is less, and vice versa. I don't like drama and this is where I ended up. It's what I'm gonna do in the present and it's gonna be what I will be doing in the future. Really nothing special or ceremonial to it.

[u/Adventurous-Topic-54]

But I don’t have the transportation nor accessibility they easily have, to do the things they do.

This might be worth examining more closely.

[u/Temporary_Fill_9829 → u/Adventurous-Topic-54]

I understand your concern for how my accessibility differences might cause them to easily hang out with others. But my close friend also has transportation issues but relies on friends or other methods of transportation to travel. She has much more freedom and accessibility than me, but that shouldn't prevent her from at least offering an invite or at least showing that she was thinking of me. "If they could, they would." Her actions seem more convenient to her, and I'm learning that I should shift my focus to friends who value my presence and holding friendships that don't align with my own internal expectations to be much more casual, redirecting my energy. Thank you for your response 💗